02x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

[enchanting music]

[upbeat enchanting music]

♪ Beautiful

[bright musical flourish]

[upbeat dance music]

♪ Life's too short

[bright musical flourish]

[people chattering]

[plates clatter]

Those go in the back.

I'm pausing. En route?

- Take your time.
- Ugh.

Elphaba.

Cowardly lion.

- [scoffs] I'm
obviously Tin Man.

[plates clatter]

[easy listening music]

[plates clatter]
[vegetables chopping]

[knife thuds]

[easy listening music continues]

You don't impress me.

[carrot crunches]

Thanks for the snack.

[people chattering]

Wanna help me choose
sugar daddies?

Are you serious?

- They start to
all look the same.

We need a rating system.

I would usually use
soft quarter, half hard,

but that's a foreign
language to you.

We use dry, moist, sopping wet.

Okay.

What do you think of him?

Dry.

Picky. What about him?

Dry.

Girl.

Well, is he nice?

- No, he is not nice.
None of them are nice.

They're weird,
self-absorbed jerks

incapable of having
a relationship

they don't have to pay for.

Everything they do
is transactional.

Life is just a shopping spree
to them, and my a*s is nothing

but a piece of butcher meat

approaching its
best before date.

Okay, moist then.

Hmm. How about him?

- Oh, like a bucket of wet.
Like, like he's a super soaker.

He even makes me a little wet.

Oh, boy girl couple.

I'll note that for Mickey.

- For Mickey?
- Yeah.

If it's a proper sugar
mama, I note it for Tab,

but sugar mamas are as
rare as t*ts on a unicorn.

Mickey's like
sexually ambivalent.

Undeclared.

- I don't know why he
can't just say Bi or Omni

or Pan or whatever.

So a boy girl
couple is a good fit

for his general ambivalence.

The husband is so hot. Maybe
I should keep him for myself.

- Oh my God.
- No.

I've learned my
lesson about vaginas.

They're like soggy bread to me.

- Okay, can I please
get back to work?

- Thanks for letting me
use your vag-o-meter.

You're disgusting.

- Hugs.
- Oh my God.

- Mickey, I made
you a date tonight.

Dinner for three.

[people chattering]

Yes, I'm a very lucky man.

I'm the lucky one, really.

- Yeah. There's not a lot
of couples on the app.

It's actually where we met.

Oh.

We had a happy ending.

- I married my daddy.
- Wow.

So you married your sugar daddy

and now you want a sugar baby.

It's the new American
dream, I guess.

Well, you see Mickey,

when you get your happy
ending, you turn the page,

and there's a whole new chapter.

A boring chapter.

A real life chapter.

Yeah, I get it.

It's only fair.

Liam got to play around

for 30 years before
he married me.

So I'm dating you.

- Dodie.
- Dodie.

We only play all together.

Cool. Cool.

So how does it sound?

- I mean, you guys seem
like you know what you want.

I'm game. Honestly.

[both chuckle]

Real life.

It isn't for everybody.
[glasses clink]

[Mickey belches]

[upbeat rock music]

[glass slides]
[liquid pours]

[upbeat music continues]

[glasses clink]
[both sigh]

[upbeat music continues]

[upbeat music continues]

Now you two.

Come on.

That's not our deal.

Here.

Look.

Barely any stubble.

You might not even
know the difference.

[rock music continues]

[door bell ringing]
[door knocking]

[door clicks open]

Dr. Love.

Oh, you can call me Tab.

I'm, I'm not really a doctor.

- Well, I am really Jacob.
- Right on.

[door slams]

Have a seat.

Drink?

Soda.

Take your shoes off.

Sure.

Put your feet up. Relax.

Vodka soda.

Would you mind taking
your socks off?

Are they dirty? Sorry.

I normally try to put them
in my roommate's laundry bag,

but they've been kind
of unreliable lately.

- Well, that's nice
of them though.

No, they don't know.

You have really nice feet.

Thanks.

How many toes?



- You mind if I
take a closer look?

At my toes?

Okay.

[Jacob hums and sniffles]

You got a piece of lint.

[Jacob sniffs and gasps]

Mind if I watch TV?

Go ahead.

[actors chat indistinctly]
[characters whirring]

[Tab chuckles]
[audience laughing]

[door clicks open]

What are you doing here?

- I thought I tried throwing
myself at you, see if we stick.

- You're not exactly
the sticky type.

- I've been living
like a nun for months.

I've experienced the miracle
of my mangina sealing over

and making me a virgin again.

- Sounds painful.
- Very.

But I'm about to reenter
the land of the living.

Put myself out there

and I just thought maybe
it would be better to get

with someone who makes me wet.

- I think you're
taking the vag*na

metaphor a little too far.

- I don't think I
can pull out now.

You tick all my boxes.

So before I sell my a*s
to the highest bidder,

I want to give
true love a chance.

- You know, love is
a seller's market.

And I'm not buying.

[door clicks open]

[door slams]

[Tab chuckles]
[TV characters bouncing]

[Jacob gasps]
[Tab's foot smacks]

[faucet running]

Sorry!

[both gasping]

That was good.

f*ck.

- I don't know why I
thought two would be enough.

[both panting]

[door clicks shut]

That was a long date.

- Yeah, I was drunk so
I just crashed there.

- You should charge
more for an overnight.

I'm not an escort.

- Oh, so you're genuinely
interested in being part

of an intergenerational
throuple?

- What about you?
How's your date?

He just smelled my feet.

That's it?

Yeah.

You gonna see him again?

We'll see if he calls.

- I mean, if he doesn't,
send him my way.

I got pretty big feet.

- You're not interested
in being third wheel

on a sex tricycle?

Oh no. I definitely am.

Dodie is like, insatiable,

but I gotta get a little extra
so I can pay Costas back.

Don't pay Costas back.

Just block him and
never see him again.

And maybe change your name.

- Yeah. I'm not you.
- I know. It's so sad.

- All right, I'm
gonna take a nap.

I did not get a lot
of sleep last night.

[feet shuffling]

[shoes thudding]

[sheets rustling]

- Do you think my
feet are too small?

[Tab sniffing]

Thanks for hanging out.

- I've got a lot of
places to be nowadays.

Lost your job?

Kind of.

I'm in the states undocumented,

and not a lot of
work opportunities.

You're not Mexican.

Yeah. Yeah, good guess.

[both chuckle]

- So, I'm wondering if
you know another guy.

I know several guys.

Another guy to join in.

Oh, like a, like a fourth

in our quad, truple...

- For a g*ng bang.
[Mickey clears throat]

- Wow. Yeah, you're
really going there.

- Yeah. I'm trying to
be a supportive husband.

You don't know anyone?

When I told all my friends

I was gonna marry a girl


they all told me I was an idiot.

They said she wasn't
ready to settle down.

- And you don't want to
give them the satisfaction

of being right.

- My friends are all married,
or they're divorced and toxic.

It would just change a 30
year friendship, you know?

Yeah, I could see that.

I'll tell you what.
I think I know a guy.

I'm sure he'd love to
have sex with Dodie,

and I don't think it would
affect our friendship too much.

I gotta say though, this
is moving pretty fast.

- Well, I'll make
it worth your while.

- You like, meant
with money, right?

[clothes rustling]

That's my ring.

Hey, Eugene.
[zipper zips]

- Colton, thanks very much.
- That's my ring.

- This is my engagement ring.
You may congratulate me.

- He gave it to me
first. That's my ring.

- Well, if you wanted it, you
shouldn't have given it back.

I didn't love him.

- Well, then your
loss is my gain.

Do you love him?

- What could it
possibly matter to you?

[clothes thud]

[door knocks]

[door clicks open]

[door clicks shut]

- You gave him my
engagement ring.

- That ring belonged to
my great aunt Lavinia

who died in 1898.

What did you think I
was gonna do? Return it?

- Well, I didn't think
you were gonna recycle it.

Oh, honey.

- How many people
have worn that ring?

Lavinia. My mother.

Maybe two or three other
fiances before you.

You gave me a used ring?

A family heirloom.

You didn't want it.

- That doesn't mean I
want to see it on somebody

else's finger.

You know, he goes to my school

and you bring him
to my restaurant?

I didn't think you cared.

- I don't.
- Oh, then,

then why were you banging on

my door in the
middle of the day?

Huh?

- You may have been
engaged a dozen times.

- Five.
- But I have been engaged once

and it doesn't matter if
it was only for 16 hours.

- 14.
- It meant something to me.

Look, I'm really sorry

that I didn't take your
feelings into account, Buddy.

But I can't very well
take the ring back

from Colton, now can I.

- Well your next fiance,
give him something else.

Not my ring.

Deal.

Okay, good.

- How long have you
guys been married?

Year and a half.

- And we were together
three years before that.

How about you two?

- Also a year and a half.
- As roommates.

We're not married.

You two kiss.

- We don't really have
that type of relationship.

- Come on.
- You come on.

- It's not g*y if
a girl's watching.

You kissed Liam.

Yeah, I'm attracted to Liam.

Ugh!

- I clean your piss
off the bathroom floor.

Okay. It's not sexy.

- How do you know
it's not Bud's?

Bud sits when he pees.

- You're probably not
as good as Bud, anyways.

- You kissed Bud?
- Jealous?

No, I'm not jealous.

I'm just wondering
when you kissed Bud.

Okay, Dodie,

stop torturing your f*ck boys.

Troublemaker.

We're all here for you.

Now, unwrap your presents.

Shirts.

[all gasping and panting]

Well, I don't know why I
thought three would be enough.

♪ So give me one kiss goodbye

♪ Don't try to make
me stay for a while ♪

♪ Give me one kiss goodbye

♪ Shouldn't lie,
won't come back ♪

♪ Just give me
one kiss goodbye ♪

[music fades]