04x12 - Golden Moose and Wiener Dogs

[bunniefuu]

[ANNOUNCER] Good morning,
Seattle, and welcome

to Old Town's 17th annual Wiener Parade!

We've got food trucks.

We've got marching bands.

And of course...

The Wiener Queen.

At 17 years old,

Her Majesty is the longest living wiener

in Washington's history.

I don't like one bit of this.
Something feels off.

You just say that every time
we experience whimsy.

No, a parade is no place for whimsy.

Whimsy is for college
improv teams before they all

have sex with each other,
ruining the dynamic.

Teams, this is Ace.
I got a pocket Queen.

Check in. Is everything copacetic?

No. It's your worst nightmare, Frank.

People are having fun.

Yeah. Everything's cool.

It's all that and a bag of chips.

You got any salt and vinnies?

[HIGH-PITCHED TONE]

[CHILD SCREAMS]

Put your hands together

for the Memorial High School
marching band,

the Fighting Badgers!

[FRANK] For the love of God, no.

Dachshunds hunt badgers.
It's in their DNA.

Along with short legs and back problems.

[DOGS GROWLING]

[FRANK] Take your head off!

Show 'em you're a man!

[BARKING]

[FRANK] Take your head off!

Stay calm!

I said stay calm!

Where are you?

I lost the queen.

She's old and blind,
she doesn't stand a chance.

[FRANK] I've got eyes on the queen.

Unfortunately, she's in
the middle of a sausage party

and we're all invited.

I saved the Queen!

I mean, it's a dog, but still.

Dressed like a queen!

It's peeing all over me.

[VOCALIZING]


Who's excited for
the Animal Control Officer

of the Year award weekend in Bellingham?

Are you gonna be like this for
the entire two-hour bus ride?

Well, I for one am jazzed,

because two of our ACOOTY
nominees hail from

our very own precinct.

We have Frank Shaw.

- Yeah! Whoo!
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

And Templeton Dudge.

[LOUD CHEERS]

Future winners get to board
the bus first.

Let's bring home that hardware T-rophy!

You know, there's a world where

Templeton's compression socks
cut the blood off to his heart,

and I win by default.

Frank, I'm really excited
to watch you glad-hand

on the campaign trail,
but I do have one note.

Too handsome? Yeah, it's a curse

I've had to deal with most of my life

since a very successful puberty.

We need to talk handshakes.

You come from a time when
it was fun to squeeze hard,

but that's not where we're at now.

Yeah. See that? That's crazy.

I need you to win the Golden Moose

so that Templeton doesn't.

'Cause I know him, and he's
gonna try and leverage a win

to take over the precinct.

So, no pressure, but I need you
at your most charming

and least offensive.

Well, it's tricky because people
find my offensiveness charming.

If he takes over,
I mean, it's gonna be a nuclear winter.

Forced overtimes, creepy
one-on-one performance reviews

and say goodbye to riddle of the day.

Uh, riddle of the day
is the first thing to go.

After that, we're going
gender-specific uniforms.

Girls in skirts.

Boys in shorts.

Terrifying.

Are you leaving for good?

Supplies for my annual c*ck party!

We had a huge crowd for
Speakeasy Fo-Sheezy last year.

This year's theme is Freaky Tiki.

I don't know what to expect.

I'm loving ACOOTY Patel, man.


So full of life.

It's a little glimpse
of what coulda been, brother.

Okay, no flaming c*ck,
though, 'cause after the fire

that Victoria started last year,

we're kind of
on thin ice with the venue.

Um, you neglect to mention me
saving all of our co-workers

by pulling the fire alarm,
all without spilling

my margarita el fuego.

Thanks to you, I spent the evening
shivering on the sidewalk.

Yeah, because you ripped your shirt off

as you were running down the hallway.

That was for speed.

Look, I'm sure it was
an accident... sort of.

But, you know you're banned
from the hotel, right?

No, no, no, I'm banned from
booking a room at the hotel.

That doesn't mean that I can't
find someone to crash with.

And this is like the horniest
animal control weekend

of the year, I'm sure someone
will take in a stray.

Alright, let's get everyone on the bus.

Welcome, everybody.

I'm Wayne Peters and
I'm running this year's ACOOTYs.

Quick administrative housekeeping note.

Uh, I've noticed a few officers
walking around in these

"What Happens in Bellingham" t-shirts.

[CROWD CHUCKLES]

This is a work event.

And we do not want
a repeat of last year.

No, we do not, you.

Because what happens in Bellingham

can wind up on your professional record.

[WAYNE] Okay, let's go get 'em!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[WAYNE] In the meantime,
c*ck and so forth.

Enjoy yourselves.

Hey. So, I haven't checked in yet.

Should we try to get conjoining rooms?

What? No, of course not.

Didn't you hear what Wayne said?

This is still work.

Wait, so everybody's gonna
hook up with a co-worker here

- except for us?
- Exactly.

It's Morgan from Oregon.

Oh, I barely recognize you
with that pretty dress.

Get outta here, girl.

[PATEL] Jerry! Hey.

Congrats on the empty nest, brother.

My kids are doing great, though.

I got one in travel soccer,
the other one's doing debate.

Wait, why am I talking about
my kids at a party?

Next thing you know,
I'll be trying to show you

pictures of my baby eatin' with a fork.

It is pretty cute, though.

Hey.

Cheers to last year's ACOOTY winner.

Did they put you up in the penthouse?

No, just a garden unit.

Mmm. Tell me more about this unit.

It's pretty nice.

It's got one of those
retractable clotheslines

in the shower and everything.

My clothes get so wet.

Man, he looks confident.

I was a nervous wreck
this time last year,

and I didn't even
have to write a speech.

- Wait, Frank has to give a speech?
- Yeah.

Can I talk to you out here for a second?

Okay, everybody here is
going nuts on each other.

On the walk over, every other door had
a Do Not Disturb sign on.

Just try not to think about it,
you know?

Enjoy the party.

[EMILY] Okay, yeah. This is rough.

- He is really gettin' in there.
- Yeah.

You can count on the guy that
rescued 24 animals in 24 hours.

Hey, um...

did you know that you have to
make a speech tomorrow night?

Yeah. Acceptance.

No, this is a speech about what being

an animal control officer means to you,

and it's a new thing this year.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.
You have to give a speech

- and you didn't know about it?
- Guys...

I know that I have to give a speech.

- Now...
- Okay.

If you'll excuse me.

Whew.

[EMILY] Are you, uh, enjoying the party?

Damn it. If you'll excuse me.

Okay.

Yoo-hoo!

Hello! Erin, do you mind if I
just jump in here real quick?

Oh, this is like prom all over again.

But don't take my word for it.

Take mine.

Confirming you can still see
the teleprompter with the video?

I don't need it, I memorized
this three weeks ago.

I have a photographic memory.

That's why women
don't change in front of me.

Yeah, that's one of the reasons why.

You kept the speech requirement from me?

I did.

When I took over your desk,

I started intercepting your emails.

Oh, your dentist says
happy birthday, by the way.

I lost a molar because I didn't
get that appointment reminder.

I don't think you're
gonna be smiling anyway,

sputtering improvised
sentence fragments in front of

a full room of your very
judgmental peers.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have a fitting,

because you just ruined
my rehearsal. We're done.

[DAISY] The two-three is comin' for you.

Are you afraid?

Because you should be.

No, I'm not afraid.

[FRANK] Just... hey! Stop it.

Stop!

- Stop!
- [DAISY CACKLES]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

- Hi.
- Oh!

If it isn't the almost
arsonist of Bellingham.

Oh, I can't talk right now.

I'm writing the speech.

I just hit a flow state.

Ooh, let's see what's
flowed out of you so far.

Well, the faucet's not fully cranked.

What does job mean to Frank?

Templeton really screwed you over.

You might as well do your go-to
and rip your shirt off,

'cause you're not gonna
win people over with this.

I just started. An hour ago.

I'll tell you what.

I'll help you with your speech.
You let me crash here.

So, your alley cat in heat
strategy didn't work on anyone?

You know what? I think
I've underestimated

the emotional trauma

escaping a burning building
leaves on people.

And I bought these to sweeten the deal.

Screw tops. Way to go.

Hey.

Thanks for meeting me here.

I know it's not the honeymoon suite,

but, you know, it's ours.

Okay...

Why are you kissing me
like I'm your grandmother?

Okay, I know...

this whole thing is hard.

Yeah. It is.

You won't come to my room,
but we have to meet in, like,

the coldest place in the hotel.

You know I hate it, too,
but there's nothing

we can really do about it, so...

Yeah, but there is, though.

You said we could tell people two
months ago, and it's been four months.

Okay, well, the two month thing was just
kind of like an estimate.

It's just starting to feel like...

maybe you don't
want people to know because

I'm not worth the risk.

- Like...
- What?

That you don't think
this can actually work.

Ugh.

This is hopeless. [STAMMERS]

No, you just...

you have to hook people emotionally.

Like, that's the only way
to win them over,

because people are stupid
and they're ruled

by their dumb hearts.

I've spent a lifetime
bottling up my feelings.

You want me to spill it to these pleebs?

Yes! Give me a good sob story.

Ugh, this is so beneath me.

I had an awful dog named Buddy.

Okay, not a great start.

Here's the sad part.

My mom got sick.

G-great.

We're getting somewhere.
Okay, let me write this down.

I don't know how, but Buddy
sensed that I needed him,

and he turned into the sweetest guy.

And on the morning my mom died,

Buddy wouldn't leave my side.

He knew...

my pain.

Animals are amazing.

Growing up, my bird
always knew when I was high.

Every time.

He was the best.

Sometimes I'm in the field and I see

a dog that looks like Buddy.

It reminds me of how
great animals are to us,

and I wanna try my best for them.

Unless the Buddy lookalike is rabid.

And then, of course, I keep my distance.

I don't think I've ever heard you talk

like an actual person before.

Please, do not tell anyone
what has transpired here.

I'm gonna tell everyone.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[SHRED] Frank?

Frank, are you poopin'?

I need you, man.

[KNOCKING]

What is it?

Hey, man, me and Emily
had a fight, and I just...

[GRUNTS]

I need a bro to lean on right now.

W-wait. What happened? Is Emily okay?

Uh, she's fine. I'm distraught.

I'm sorry, do you mind?
I think the boys need the room.

Okay.

I... I will...

text you the speech.

Oh, love.

Emily!

Take off your sleep apnea mask
and turn off

your rainforest soundscape.

I need to sleep.

And... and I, I wanna
make sure you're okay.

Do you mind shuttin' the hell up?

Uh, yeah, I do mind, actually,
because I have nowhere to go

and nobody wants to have sex with me,

which never happens, so.

Thank you.

Fine, you can bunk with me.

But I am a very active sleeper,

so don't crowd me
or you might get punched.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Daddy!

Hi!

Are you okay?

- [KIDS LAUGHING]
- [PATEL] Hey.

Uh... what are you guys doing here?

[PATEL VOICEMAIL] Hi, kids.

I miss you so much.

Oh, my God, you would love this place.

You have to come.

I mean, I'm telling you,
the only thing that's good

about my life is my family.

Guys, Daddy, uh...

had a lot to drink last night.

Can we just shh!

[WAYNE] Thank you, Raquel St. James
and Lieutenant Peaches.

Uh, I'd also like to ask everyone else,

please act respectfully to the nominees.

It takes a lot of courage
to get up here.

[ALL] Moose!

Stop saying moose!

It sounds like you're booing.

Let's keep this ACOOTY train
moving, huh?

With our next nominee, Templeton Dudge,

who has asked me to

issue a strobe light warning
to pregnant women and the weak.

Pay attention.
You might learn something.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Cue the fog.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]

I never meant to be so bad to you

Daisy.

Cut the fog. [SIGHS]

I had a feast for the eyes planned,

but tonight's about the animals.

So I'm gonna speak from the heart.

Growing up, I had
an awful dog named Buddy.

- Then my mom got sick.
- No.

Cue the strings.

- What the hell is happening?
- I do...

And it's like he knew that I needed him.

He turned into the sweetest guy.

And when my mom died, he...

He never left my side that day.

First he steals my bear rescue,
then he steals my desk,

and now he steals my dead mom?

Sometimes when I'm in the field
and I see a dog that looks

like Buddy, I'm reminded
of all the great things

that animals do for us.

So, I try to do my best for them.

Thank you.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That's my slop! He-he fed you my slop!

Wha... how did he get my slop?

Daisy must've stolen it off my phone.

I sure did.

I put that sleeping mug
up to the face ID.

Two-three fo' life!

[LAUGHING]

Oh! Oh!

Let's bring up our, uh.

final nominee, Frank Shaw.

Yeah!

How am I supposed to
follow that? That was great.

It's like following myself.

[WEAKLY] Whoo!

Yeah!

- [FRANK FARTS]
- [CROWD GASPS]

[VICTORIA] Oh, God.

[MIC FEEDBACK RINGS]

This is like watching an old man
get confused at the post office.

We're screwed.

Seriously, just give me the award.

He's got nothing.

[MIC FEEDBACK RINGS]

- Oh... no.
- Frank, this is not the time.

- Frank!
- Oh, no. No, no, not that.

I was joking when I said
take off your shirt.

- Oh, god, I can't watch.
- Is he getting naked?

[EMILY] No!

Oh, there it is.

This guy's jacked!

[WOMEN CHEER]

Pump up the jam, pump it up

While your feet are stompin'

[CROWD CHEERING]

[DAISY] I mean...

he do look good.

Pump it up a little more

Get the party goin'
on the dance floor

See, 'cause that's where...

And the Animal Control
Officer of the Year is...

Frank Shaw.

- Yes!
- [CROWD CHEERS]

Frank, you did it!

Once again, the hedonistic
spirit of Bellingham has spoken.

Officer Shaw.

Yeah.

Thank you, Pacific Northwest!

Pump up the jam, pump it up

Pump it up

Table 12, a few more bounces?

[CHEERS]

Pump up the jam, pump it up

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, I didn't hear my name
in your acceptance speech,

which is crazy, because
I'm basically why you won.

My dedication to protein is why I won.

But... thank you.

I think I saw the Portland team
walking each other on leashes.

Well, that tracks
with people from Oregon.

This thing gets messier every year.

Yeah.

Things happen here that maybe...
wouldn't happen at home.

Did you find a place to crash tonight?

Uh, table 12 gave me some molly, so...

I think I'm just gonna dance
until our pick up time tomorrow.

...You were there tonight, tonight

Hey.

- You got my text.
- Yeah.

I was worried you weren't gonna come.

Hotel rooms are off-limits, but...

tiny little photo booths are okay?

I'm sorry. That was...

I didn't mean that. That sounded bad.

No, no, no, I've...

I've been thinking a lot
about what you said, and...

I'm really sorry.

'Cause the truth is, you are just...

in every way, completely...

Definitely worth the risk.

So, I'm gonna call my boss
first thing on Monday.

Wait, really?

Yeah, 'cause I...

Well, I love you, and...

I just wanna be with you.

I love you, too.

You sure you wanna do this?

Yeah.

[CAMERA CLICKS]

Okay, okay, let's just stagger
our entrances to be safe.

'Cause we're so close,
so let's not mess up now.

- Home stretch.
- Okay.

- Monday.
- Mm-hmm.

- Ooh!
- Okay.

That'll be good for my passport photo.

Pardon me, folks.

Good to see you. Good to see you, Jim.

[ERIN] Look at that!

[CROWD GASPS]

This is bad.

This is really bad.

I heard they're serving
sherbert in a few minutes.

Hey.

Something bad happened.

What?

Oh, my God.

How fast can we turn that into a poster?

Business center's open 24/7.

Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank!

Kids are finally asleep.
Who's ready to party?

What?

[EMILY] Oh, my God.

- Oh, God. It's Wayne.
- I'm getting fired.

Oh, my God. This is it.

I have to do something.

Don't worry, I'm gonna save you.

Oh my God!

You are... fire!

Come on, this way! This way!

The exit's this way! Follow me!

Thank God I knew where this was.

- It's okay.
- What's happening?

[FIRE ALARM WAILING]

Fire save.

[SIGHS]

- Feels right.
- [VICTORIA] Mm-hmm.

Hey. Congrats again, Frank.

And I don't say it enough, but...

you're my hero, man.

- You say it all the time.
- Right.

Now, ditch that wobbly hall
table and reclaim your desk.

Really?

In fact, all shall return
to their proper desks

now that I've vanquished the pale,

muscularly atrophied beast.

Normalcy is returned.

- Yeah!
- Thank God!

The napping was no good under this desk.

Hey, um, can I have
everyone's attention?

I have a little...

announcement, um...

Due to my relations with Shred, um...

Yeah, I've been suspended, um,
pending an investigation.

- What?
- But I consented!

- It's okay.
- I consented to the whole thing!

Yeah, um, this means there will be, uh,

an interim supervisor filling
my position until, um...

yeah, further notice.

- Who's taking over?
- Uh, yeah, it's, um...

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

[EMILY] It's...

[BAGPIPES WHEEZE]

I guess I did die
in that dachshund parade.

I'm in hell.

I'm still your god.

Well, you'd be the devil.

Well, I'd be your boss.

The boss.

Morning meetings won't be
the same without you.

He's already threatening
to ban meeting snacks.

Come on. It's not goodbye, guys.

It's see ya later.

Pending a thorough investigation,

an ethics board review and
reinstatement confirmation

from the mayor's office.

I just hope they don't
subpoena our texts.

I sent you that Jessica Rabbit
GIF on your birthday.

- I mean...
- You're gonna be fine.

And in the meantime,
we'll make Templeton's life

as hellish as possible.

I've already started.

Daisy! Grab me a tire jack.

Got a flat. Again.

Wait, is this what it's like
to not be the boss?

I kinda like it.

Can I throw something?

I'd be disappointed if you didn't.

Okay.

- [CAR ALARM BEEPS]
- Oh, no!

I've never respected you more.

- Run!
- Ahh!

What?