01x08 - #MaybeItsBAYBelline

[bunniefuu]

[humming]

Whoo!

Nice suit.

But you're gonna

have to throw in some floor mats

and a spoiler

if you want me to buy the used car.

Did you know your milk is about to go bad?

I don't know who's in

my refrigerator more, you or my milk.

What you doing down here?

You and Chelsea ain't seeing each other.

- It's got nothing to do with Chelsea.

- Huh.

We're better off as just friends.

- Why, what did she say?

- She said nothing.

You know I'm only here

'cause I got suspended, remember?

[crying] I got nowhere else to go!

Well, Mayonnaise,

why don't you just go home?

I don't have any friends or food at home.

Here's my friend Cap'n Crunch,

here's my friend milk.

There you go. That's what friends are for.

Fine. Oh, on my way in I saw your new

white neighbors unloading groceries.

They've probably got some oat milk.

Manny, what you doing here?

It's your day off.

Yeah, it's funny how you gave me

a day off on payday. [chuckles]

You think I could get my check

two weeks late instead of four?

Oh, you're here for your check?

Let me get it, then.

I keep all the paperwork

here in the kitchenettes.

You know, so let me check

and see where your paycheck is and

You know, 'cause I keep You know what?

I know where it is. [chuckles] Oh, man.

Ah! There it is.

Oh, it's hot! Hot checks. Hot checks.

[chuckles] Yeah. Well, maybe you could

give me the other half on Monday?

Yeah, okay. Fine. That's how it goes.

What up, Chels? Huh? Huh? You see me, huh?

What I'm looking like, huh?

Uh, you look good, if you're going

for that used-car-salesman look.

Look, I spent $90 on this down

at the Suited and Booted Warehouse,

'cause I'm getting ready for my date.

[in sing-song voice] Mya.

- Who?

- [in sing-song voice] Mya.

Oh, your new little flavor of the week?

[in normal voice] Listen, I've slowed down

considerably since Sasha's been here.

Listen, the only person

that I've kissed here lately

is Aunt Elizabeth,

but she has a warm mustache.

- Hmm.

- Yeah, crazy.

Okay. Well,

talk to me about this Mya chick.

I actually met her not too long ago

at this Vegas cosmetic

convention, you know?

- Hmm?

- So she's in town, I'll take her out.

- What you doing tonight? Want to hang?

- I'm not doing nothing.

You know, here in Atlanta I'm like a nine,

but in Alabama I'd be a 12.

You know what? l can get you

some tickets to the Soul Circus, okay?

Sigfried and Leroy.

They don't have tigers, but they got

these dancing Rottweilers, you'd love it.

I'll pass.

- I'll give the tickets to Pops, then.

- Hell no, you won't.

Last time I went to the Soul Circus,

the magician stole my wallet.

I got it back

when I pulled a .45 out of my hat.

[Brian] Mmm.

- Why are you so dressed up?

- [chuckles]

Yeah. I got a little date

with this girl tonight.

But [exhales]you know,

your daughter's been hating on my jacket,

so I ain't gonna wear it.

Let me wear the jacket if you ain't gonna.

- Pops, don't stretch my jack

- Oh, stop.

You know we wear

the same size, man. Stop playing.

- Get my arm.

- Pops, come on, now.

Okay. One, two, three [grunts]

There you go.

[exclaims] This is all right.

Come on, now.

How do I look? Come on.

Come on, how do I look?

- Chelsea, come on, now.

- Pops, amazing. Yes.

You know what?

Pops is about to come out of retirement.

You know I used to model, right?

Because, sir, I got news for you.

You ain't the only one got a date.

I got a date, too.

I'm meeting this little honey I met on

that new dating site, backbender.com.

She's gonna get all this zaddy.

- Yes, sir.

- Oh, my God.

She's about to experience

the best 93 seconds of her life.

Lock up your aunties,

'cause Pops is coming! You know?

- Pops, come on, man.

- What?

- First of all, that's nasty.

- [Pops] What?

That's completely nasty.

And second of all, you about

to pop out of that, like Bruce Banner.

You look like the Incredible Hulk in this.

Yeah, well, if she looks

as good as her profile pic,

the Incredible Hulk is about to smash.

[growls]

Pops, before you have a stroke

Look, first of all, the last time

you smashed, you ended up having Chelsea.

Come on.

[in sing-song voice] Blessing! [chuckles]

- Help me out, Brian.

- Yeah, I got you.

- All right. Here. Come on.

- One, two, three.

- Oh, Lord. All right.

- Come on, just pull.

- Brian, come on.

- I got it. Come on.

- One, two, three, go.

- Go!

[all grunting]

You good?

We can laugh, we can hang

But don't embarrass me ♪

Oh, no ♪

Please don't say the wrong thing, Dad

Don't embarrass me again ♪

We can dance, we can joke

But don't embarrass me ♪

Oh, no ♪

Don't embarrass me

Please, Dad, don't embarrass me ♪

I know that you mean well

But don't be so foul ♪

When I'm hanging with my friends

Please don't be acting wild ♪

[groans] Pops. Stretching out my suit.

Oh, sh**t! Just the G I wanted to see.

Oh, Dad, look at that jacket.

You really rocking it.

You should really get into modelling.

You know what I'mma give you?

The Will Smith lips.

Come on.

Can't I just say hi to my dad?

If you don't tell me what it is,

I'm gonna say no automatically.

Okay, there's this

high school quarterback, Rahim

No.

Dad, relax. It's not even what you think.

I've been tutoring him in summer school,

he got an "A" on his math test,

so he said he'd take Zia and I

to Atlantic Station tonight to celebrate.

The answer is still no. I don't want you

riding around with some strange boy.

Then teach me how to drive

so I don't have to rely on other people.

The answer is still no. I don't want you

driving around with a strange boy.

You know these young boys, they're out

here ghost riding the whip and whatnot.

Okay

[sighs] But come on, Dad,

you're always worried.

I've been here for months

and nothing bad has happened.

Plus, you owe me

for the intervention, the sex therapist

Should I continue?

[hesitates] You know what?

To be honest, you're right.

You have been an incredible daughter

and you've actually made me

feel good about being a daddy.

Aw. That's so sweet, Dad.

You know, other than that jacket,

you're pretty cool, too.

[both chuckle]

- Give me some! Ay, ay! Yeah!

- All right. Okay.

Oh, so, what time is he coming through?

[knocking at door]

Um, quarter till now?

A-ha-ha-ha.

You just hold up right here.

[groans] Dad, do not embarrass me.

I can't promise that.

[groans] Oh, man.

- Hey. Come on in.

- How you doing, sir?

- Uh-huh. I'm good. You Rahim, huh?

- Yes, sir. That's me.

Mmm-hmm. Quick, uh What's 12 times 12?

Huh?

Okay, mathematician and "A" and all that.

Go upstairs and get dressed.

- I'll take care of this.

- I thought

- Get your

- Okay.

Rahim? Quarterback Rahim?

- That's me, sir.

- All right.

You know how to drive?

- Yes, I'm a great driver.

- Well, come on. Let's go see.

All right. Get your

[sighs] She'll k*ll me. Hey, hold up.

All right, Radio Raheem,

let's see what you got.

- You know? [chuckles softly] Pull on out.

- Cool. 144.

You ain't driving 144 miles an hour.

- What are you talking about?

- 12 times 12 is 144. I think.

Yeah, a mathematician. Okay, yeah.

You been thinking

about that the whole time?

- Yeah. But I didn't even use my fingers.

- Mmm-hmm.

- Where are we going, by the way?

- [sighs] Don't worry, just drive.

I just want to make sure

that Zia and Sasha is safe when they're

They're riding around

with you and everything

- because you Watch out for that baby!

- [tires screech]

What? Where, man?

All right,

that's a pretty good response time.

You know what I'm saying?

I appreciate that. Okay.

Keep on going. So, uh Hmm.

Mercredes, huh?

It's a Mercredes. AMG package, huh?

- Yes, sir.

- [chuckles] That's a pretty expensive car.

- Where'd you get it? You steal it?

- No, it's my father's car.

- So your father stole it? He's a thief?

- No, sir. My father is a judge.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to judge you.

It's all right.

Ah, a judge, huh?

You know, I got these parking tickets

I might need to get, you know, expunged.

- I can ask.

- Yeah.

- Watch out for that Black baby!

- [tires screech]

You know what? Roll on out.

That's real good response time.

You know what I'm saying?

I think we're gonna be all right.

Just make sure

that you ease up off the brake.

Is that Lil Baby?

Pull over. Let's get his autograph.

I'm so glad

we were able to get together tonight.

You know, I've been trying to get

a table in this space for six months.

- Oh, hey, Mr. Brian.

- What in the sashimi?

[hesitates] Manny, what you doing here?

I have a standing reservation.

I'm with the Yelp Elite Squad.

That's why I asked for my paycheck.

Isabella and I come here on Tako Tuesdays.

Isabella, nice to see you.

But, Manny, this is a Japanese restaurant.

Mr. Dixon, "tako" is Japanese for octopus.

I've been eating octopus?

Really? All right.

Well, anyway [chuckles softly] Arigato.

Oh, look. I am so glad that you hit me.

You know, after that sultry night

at the convention in Vegas,

I thought you'd hit me sooner.

Brian, you know, there is another reason

that I wanted to get together tonight.

I know. You want to chop these sticks.

I understand. You know what I'm saying?

You want the bang-bang roll,

'cause that is the house special.

All right, maybe later.

But can you be serious

for just one minute?

- I'm deadass.

- 'Cause we need to talk.

- Talk about what? Is it a Brian Junior?

- Okay. Calm down. Calm down, please.

- There's no child, no baby.

- Okay. All right.

Uh, but I do have

a money opportunity for you.

Hmm.

So, as you may

remember from the convention,

I had my own cosmetics business as well.

- I do remember that

- Yes.

now that you mention that, yes.

In fact, I just sold to Maybelline

six months ago and I retired.

Oh! You know what? That's amazing.

Where are we going?

[chuckles] Well, that's why I'm here.

Maybelline is looking to acquire smaller

cosmetics businesses with unique voices

and I instantly thought of BAY.

You know what?

That's flattering, but BAY's not for sale.

Huh. Are you, uh, sure about that?

What's this? What you writing down here?

[muttering indistinctly]

Is that a decimal point?

No, that is a comma.

[whistles] That's loot. That's loot.

That's nice.

But no, seriously,

my mom built this company

with blood, sweat and tears,

and she did it so she could make

Black women feel beautiful.

That's exactly why Maybelline

wants to acquire the company.

No. But you go with Maybelline, it might

dilute it, you know what I'm saying?

I mean Wait a minute.

- Now, is this the decimal point?

- No. That is another comma.

- Champagne, please!

- Yes.

Rounds for everybody.

And that's another comma as well, right?

I think that's a sesame seed.

Uh, lemonade. Lemonade.

Sugarless. Sugarless. Sugarless.

[Rusty vocalizing in a high pitch]

I'm gonna tell you something.

I don't care what the count is.

You're still my president, you understand?

All right? I'm proud of you, okay?

And I love your hair.

Now that you're not the president,

you can come to Rusty's

and we can grab all the [chuckles]

[laughing]

I was just Well, anyway.

Hey, I got the drink for you.

Listen. This is what I call

the Blazing Saddles.

Hot crotches.

There you go. Woof!

All right. There you go.

You just have to let it cool down a bit.

That'll be $11.95.

Yeah, excuse me, I ordered a Lemon Drop.

- What's that, now?

- A Lemon Drop?

Well, let me tell you something,

Kim Car-smash-ian

if you want it done your way,

you head your a*s on out here

to Burger King, 'cause this is Rusty's.

- Okay.

- Y'all don't hear me.

[high-pitched vocalizing] Get!

Get!

What it do, gunslinger?

Well, how are you there African-American?

- You matter, okay?

- Thank you.

- I just want you to know that you matter.

- All right.

- So, what are you having?

- Let me get

I know exactly what you want.

You want a jungle juice.

That's what I see.

That's what I see on your palate.

Uh, yeah, well, since you doing it

like that, give me a double, man.

- There you go there.

- Thank you.

So, uh

[exclaims]

What brings you in here, Smoke?

Well, um, I came in here

to meet this little filly from Philly.

[groans] You know, I can't stand Philly.

Non-counting sons of b*tches.

Don't like anything about it.

Dr. J, Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,

cream cheese, steaks, hockey, none of it!

Yeah. Well, if somebody comes

in here looking like Beyoncé, that's me.

Tap me on the shoulder.

Well, hold on, now.

Now, that's the type of chocolate I like.

If Beyoncé comes in here,

I'm gonna tell that Jay-Z fella,

"To the left!"

[chuckles] All right.

Uh, hold on a second.

She doesn't look like Yoncé,

but look at the chocolate-covered

caramel candy right there.

Looks like Kelly Rowland.

Would you look at the fleas on fluffy?

You better scratch that itch somewhere

else or I'mma have to put Rusty down.

Hey, Pop.

What are you doing here?

You trying to k*ll my action.

Well, I was bored, so I went on that

Backbender app you were talking about.

Fifteen guys offered

to take me out tonight.

So I chose the one that had all his teeth.

Well, can't he take you to some other bar?

Pops, don't worry.

- I'll be on the other side of the bar.

- No. Since you're here, sit down.

But if Melba shows up,

you'll have to make

like Jordan Peele and Get Out.

All right. [chuckles]

[high-pitched vocalizing]

Kelly Rowland,

I got a special drink for you.

I call this my

[lighter clicks]

Pandemic Passion.

- I'mma tell you something. You drink this

- Okay.

and you won't

come outside for eight months,

because that's a Rusty Special.

Y'all don't hear me!

[high-pitched vocalizing]

- Pop, is this your friend?

- No. No, I don't know him.

I don't know him.

[screams]

[all laughing]

Wow, that was so much fun.

- Thanks for taking us to eat.

- Don't sweat it.

But correct me if I'm wrong,

buffalos don't have wings, right?

- Oh, snap. Hold on. Let me google that.

- What? Not while you're driving! Come on!

- Why not? I got it on cruise control.

- Girl, he's got it on cruise control.

- No hands.

- Okay, so, back to my dad.

I can't believe he would

give you a personal driving test.

On second thought, I actually can.

Yeah. He even put his hands over my face

to see how I'd react

to cars in my blind spot.

Oh, my gosh. He's always embarrassing me.

- I'm gonna turn this up real quick.

- [music gets louder]

- This is my song. Hey.

- Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

[Zia] Oh, sh**t. This

Here we go. Police are following us.

Wait, what?

Are they trying to pull us over?

No, their lights are off.

They been following us for a minute.

- What?

- Well, maybe it's my dad.

I thought he got suspended.

Yeah, he did, but he kept the car.

He uses it for Uber.

So instead of UberXL, he's UberPD.

[sighs] No, that

doesn't look like your dad.

No.

Let's just keep driving home.

Your mother was an amazing woman.

She worked hard, raised two kids,

but she was not good in the kitchen.

The only thing

she cooked in there were your edges.

Of course, you're probably

too young to remember them skin grafts.

Wait.

[chuckles softly] That's how I got

the burn on the back of my neck?

Yes.

I've always thought

that was a beauty mark.

Mmm-mmm.

[sighs] I want to find what you two had,

a partner to spend my life with.

Well, I took you to the Million Man March

and you still didn't meet anybody.

Maybe it's you.

[scoffs] I'm serious.

Do you know how hard it is

to be a single woman in Atlanta?

No, I do not.

[high-pitched vocalizing]

Rusty do. I'm telling you something.

I've been trying to lasso

these women in Atlanta for a hot minute.

Rusty, you wearing different clothes?

You know why that is?

I got a show for you.

All right, now,

a little bit of live entertainment.

Make some noise, now.

Clap, damn it!

All right, I like to call this

the Three Bottle Special.

Or as they say in Spanish, I call it

[speaking Spanish]

- Look out. Look out. Look out.

- [bottles crashing]

[high-pitched vocalizing]

I know I was a little off, but

- [pops] No.

- You guys, I can get you either

Another drink or some straws down here?

- No, no.

- Mmm-mmm, we're all right.

Excuse me?

[both scream]

I'm Melba. Are you Willie?

No. No, I am not Willie.

You know what? Uh, Willie's, um

He's in the bathroom.

Yeah. Across the street.

Go straight. Keep walking.

Keeping walking. Striaght.

Turn right!

- Whoo! That ought to do it.

- Pop! That was your date?

Yeah, but she didn't look

nothing like her profile picture.

I think I just

got catfished by a real catfish.

[both chuckle]

[grunts] I'm gonna have you guys lock up.

I'm going fishing in that pool.

Let me tell you something.

It's gonna be like sh**ting fish

in a toilet. [high-pitched vocalizing]

- Oh, my gosh.

- [laughing]

This is fun, hanging out with you.

We never really

got to talk like this before.

- I don't know what advice I can give you.

- I don't need advice.

Just being here

right now with you is enough.

[chuckles softly] Toast?

Hi. Are you Chelsea?

No, that's my evil twin.

That girl got felonies. Run!

Far away.

You just ran off another man?

I don't need a sugar daddy.

- I got my real daddy.

- All right.

Whoo! I'm gonna tell you something.

I went fishing in that pond

and that fish wasn't fresh.

Took my bait, broke my pole.

[high-pitched vocalizing]

- Yo.

- Yo!

- He really did those pepper wings right.

- Funny.

- Right? He got that, okay? He did that.

- Right?

- That's what I'm saying.

- And buffalos do have wings.

- They don't. I googled it.

- They don't. What?

Why are they pulling in my driveway?

Yeah, 'cause they don't live here,

they live at the police station.

Hold it right there.

Officers, can I help you? I live here.

What's the problem here?

Yeah, 'cause the donut shop

is two miles that way, so

I get it. Driving while Black?

This is private property,

so why don't y'all get out of here?

- Come on. Let's go inside.

- Yeah.

Freeze. Nobody move, nobody gets hurt.

Yeah, 'cause we didn't do nothing.

Just stay calm, Rahim.

- I'm gonna get this all on video.

- Do it.

- Why don't y'all leave us alone?

- Shut your mouth, boy.

We got a call about

a luxury car that fits this description

casing the neighborhood.

- You steal this car?

- It's my father's car.

And who you calling boy, boy?

[grunts]

Whoa, is all that necessary?

You done messed up now, man.

My pops is a judge.

What are you guys doing?

He didn't even do anything!

Young lady, put the phone down.

No. I know my rights.

I'm filming this whole thing.

No, I'm going live.

So you got a problem with authority, huh?

- You're under arrest.

- Uh-huh. ACAB. What about it? What?

- [Rahim] Hey, come on, man!

- Under arrest for what?

- Obstruction of justice.

- What justice?

Are you serious?

[cell phone dings]

Oh, let's see here.

Okay, who is this going live on Instagram?

Whoever it is, is in my driveway.

Oh, sh*t. It's Sasha.

- It's Sasha. Gotta go.

- Oh, my God.

- Call you later. Gotta go.

- [Manny] I'll meet you at the house!

[laughing]

Wait. Hold on, Pops.

Sasha's on Instagram Live,

so let's see what she doin'.

[Pops] All right.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

There's cops

all around our house. We gotta go.

Nah-uh. No, you gotta go. I got warrants.

Pops! I'll pay for your warrants.

- Come on.

- Man. I can't

[Chelsea] Oh, my God.

Hey! Who's gonna pay for all this sh*t?

Whoa, what's going on? That's my daughter.

Back away! This is a police matter!

- I am the police, as*h*le!

- Hey! Hey!

- What are you doing? Ow!

- [all exclaiming]

- [Zia] Dad! You're hurting him!

- [Johnny] Why the hell are you doing this?

We got a call about a suspicious vehicle.

Oh, was the vehicle suspicious,

or the fact that

a Black kid was driving it?

Wait a minute. I know you.

You're the Cowardly Cop from the news!

- Can I get your autograph?

- [all] Seriously?

- Hey! This is my house. What is going on?

- [Sasha] Dad! That's my dad!

Why is my daughter

handcuffed on the ground here?

I tried to film it,

but they took my phone.

This suffice?

Checks out.

- [Zia] Finally.

- Take off the handcuffs.

- [Rahim] Hurry up.

- [Sasha] Yeah.

[Johnny grunting]

[Zia] Me next, please.

[Rahim] Get these things off of me.

- What's going on?

- Yeah, what's going on?

I am Attorney Dr. Charles Weldon

Ezekiel Fitzgerald Johnson III, Esq.,

and I am a legal,

no-warrant-having tenant here.

Sir, there's been a mistake.

Sorry for the inconvenience. Guess I'll be

seeing you at the Policeman's Ball.

No, you won't

because I'm no longer a cop.

I'm leaving the force.

I took an oath to serve and protect,

but all I see here are

a bunch of bullies with badges and g*ns,

and I'm not about that.

That's right, Dad. Tell 'em.

Now, get the hell off my friend's lawn.

Well, in this case it's a deck. Semantics!

Get

- [Brian] Everybody all right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah. I was so scared, Dad.

- Yeah.

I mean, you see it on TV,

but it's crazy when it happens to you.

- Yeah, I know.

- sh**t.

Back in the old days,

Black folks couldn't get mad.

- All they could do was sing about it.

- [Brian] You right, Pops.

Wait a minute. What?

- [Chelsea chuckles] Okay. What?

- [Sasha] The glasses?

- What?

- [Brian] All right.

- What now?

- [Chelsea] What?

Oh.

Here he goes.

Wrote a song 'bout it!

Like to hear it? Here it go.

The policeman tried to arrest me ♪

For something I didn't do ♪

They had me on the ground ♪

Pulled their g*ns out, too ♪

[high-pitched vocalizing]

- Thank you very much!

- [Brian] Yeah!

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it. I hope it ain't the cops.

Hello.

Hi. We're the Connollys.

Ooh, this place is surprisingly nice.

You must be renting.

We're your neighbors.

Well, actually we're Airbnb-ing,

and we wanted to

make sure everything was okay.

- Yeah. We saw the whole thing.

- It's nice to meet everyone.

- Oh, hey.

- Hey.

We felt it would be the neighborly thing

to introduce ourselves,

and bring you over a pumpkin cream pie.

We're just so glad

our neighborhood is safe.

Of course it is.

What would make you think anything else?

Well, there was a strange car

that kept coming to these sudden stops.

We know they were

probably scoping out the neighborhood.

It's a good thing we notified the police.

- Wait. You called the cops?

- Of course.

Two guys are joyriding through our

safe little neighborhood? Mmm-mmm.

- You mean, that look like me?

- And me?

Exactly.

Uh

I think [chuckles nervously]

I think we should probably be leaving.

Oh, yeah, I agree with that.

By the way,

I want to let you know something.

Black people don't like

pumpkin cream pies.

- [exclaims]

- [woman gasps]

Bye.

Black people don't like

Pumpkin cream pie ♪

We like sweet potato pie better ♪

[all vocalizing in high-pitches]

Thank you very much!

[all cheering]

- Dad, I really want to talk to you.

- That's a coincidence.

- I wanna talk to you, too.

- Okay. You first.

What would you think

if I said I wanted to sell BAY?

- Well, I would

- No. You know what?

I could tell by the way you was getting

into that, it's the wrong decision.

Listen, my mom built this company,

passed it on to me,

I want to pass it on to you.

[chuckles] Dad, you really

don't have to do that.

You don't wanna be

a cosmetic mogul like your father?

- I wanted to be a Laker Girl.

- Say what?

It worked out for Paula Abdul.

But real talk,

after everything that happened this week

with being racially profiled

and the police harassment,

- my eyes have really been opened.

- Hmm.

I think I want to be

a civil rights attorney.

Wow.

That's a noble profession.

I know whatever you decide you

wanna do, you're gonna be great at it.

- Thanks, Dad.

- All right?

What else did you want to talk about?

Hey, Sasha, slow down!

Dad, I'm only doing 30.

Then speed your a*s up.

And remember,

keep both hands on the wheel.

They both are on the wheel, Dad.

Just like you said, ten and two.

It looks more like

ten-thirty and two-fifteen.

And watch out for that Black baby!

- [gasps]

- [tires screech]