01x15 - Gilbert

[bunniefuu]

All right. You passed.

- Yes.
- Congrats, Howard.

Uh, ac...
Yeah, actually, it's Howie.

Like "How we doing?"

- Oh.
- Minus the "doing."

- Got it.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, now that you are
licensed in California,

you can drive your clients
all over town.

Oh, that is such great news.
Isn't that right?

How long have you been, uh,

rescuing these sweet angels?

Six years human, 42 canine.

- Hmm.
- That's a joke.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Actually, they rescue me.

That wasn't a joke.

No, no, yeah.
I used to foster

until my landlord instituted

- a "no pets" policy. Jerk.
- Ugh.

I wish there were
more people like you.

Some of these little guys will
just never really find homes.

Like little Gilbert here.

Nobody will take him,
and I just, I don't know

how much longer
I can keep him, so...

- That breaks my heart.
- Mm-hmm.

Who wouldn't
want this "widdle" guy?

Don't talk like a baby to him.
He's six.

Who wouldn't want
this little guy?

- Better.
- Thank you.

Marla.

Not in front of company.

Marla!

I know. Your 12-year-old

neighbor moved to Alhambra.

Well, now I have to play
video games and throw stuff

into the community pool
all by myself.

Why do you throw stuff
in your own pool?

You sound just like Henry's mom.

I-I'm sorry about Henry.

I-I can't right now.

Greggy, have you ever met

an animal so adorable...

I am not adopting a dog.
I'm a cat guy.

You know Weezy.

I know Weezy, but I just met

the sweetest
little Jack Russell.

Gilbert. He can roll over.

Oh, that's nice. Weezy can read.

Well, someone in this office
must need a new friend.

Well, what about Vic?

What, Vic?
Who went to the San Diego Zoo

to see "a Yoda"?

He's high-energy,
he's very playful

and his best friend
just moved away.

Uh, no offense, Greggles,
but taking care of a dog

is a much bigger responsibility
than taking care of a cat.

Okay, here we go.

All they do is just
sit and stare at you

and cough stuff up.

Who am I?

It's a cat. It's Weezy.

Yeah, well, dogs just like
to lick their private parts.

Who am I? "Oh, I'm a dog,

my testicles are out."

Paula.

Do you want to adopt a dog?

You driving examiners are sick.

- Morning.
- Good morning.

Thank you, fine gentlemen.

- Oh! God.
- Okay.

Oh, Hall & Oates.

I'm still getting
used to this thing.

Okay. You okay?

Yeah, my head
absorbed most of it.

Okay. Well, I'm
gonna go get you some ice.

Yeah, my head absorbed
most of it.

What's with the wheels, Barb?

My doctor's a little worried
about the healing process.

She wants me to take it easy.

All right, I can't
take this anymore.

You are driving me crazy
with this.

Just tell me what I owe you

so I can
make things right, okay?

What is it, huh?
You want another makeover?

- How much?
- What?

- What do you mean?
- You busted your foot

breaking that photo machine
to save my job,

and now come in and out of here
every single day

with you lording it over me
with that boot.

Uh, the boot is so my navicular
bone won't shatter to dust.

There you go again.
No, no. I want out.

I want out. I'm done.

Uh, what can I do
to just make it right? Please.

Ceci, I don't have time
for your weird moral code today.

The consultants did an audit
on our average processing time,

and we have a slow window.

- Wait.
- Mm.

I can help you with that.

Hello.

I have the fastest counter time
in all of the branch.

Who's the slowpoke?

Noa.

You mean "Slow-a"?

This is perfect.
I'll speed up the Kiwi

and my debt to you
will finally be repaid.

Ceci, there is no debt.
It's all in your head.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.
My madrinatried to play

those same little
mind games with me.

She got me a gift,
I got her a thank-you note.

She got me a thank-you note

for the thank-you note.

We went back and forth
like this every single day

until she took her last breath.

Then, I finally slid in

a final thank-you note
into her coffin.

Good for you?

So I thought.

Then she thanked me in her will.

Well played, Carmela Maria.

Gosh, I'll never
live that one down.

Vic, did you get
the email I sent?

Henry in 14C
used to send me emails.

Just check.

Okay.

Who's this stud?

Ooh! Ooh, let me see.

Gregg, we talked about this.

A D-O-G is a big responsibility.

It doesn't hurt the boy to look.

"Meet Gilbert. Six years old,

found on the side
of the freeway"... love that...

"good with kids"... don't care...

"high energy"... oh, yeah...

"hypoall...

"hypo, hyper allergenot...

genetic"?

- Ah, sure.
- Look at him.

Reading for pleasure.

"If you're looking
for a spunky companion,

Gilbert's your guy."

I am looking
for a spunky companion.

Wait.

I can actually get this dog?

I don't know.
Can he, Colette?

Vic, a dog's
a really big commitment.

It's not a handlebar mustache

you swear is your new
signature look.

I love him.

I guess it can't hurt
for you to meet.

Yes.

We're gonna throw so much
stuff in the pool together.

Oh, Barb.

This is worse than I thought.

I thought Noa
was just incompetent,

or maybe he couldn't even read.

Worse than being illiterate?

Look at that customer's
body language.

Playing with her hair,

running her fingers
along the counter,

laughing out loud
at an okay-at-best joke.

Of course.
Which means that, uh...

She's flirting with him.

You know what
flirting is, right?

Of course I know
what "flirching" is.

Customers are window-shopping.

They prefer Noa over,
say, Paranoid Paula.

Was that a cough?

Are you sick?

Oh, God. Noa has HPV.

Barb, I don't think you're
supposed to disclose that.

HPV.
Hot Person Vibes.

Right.

I keep forgetting that
people consider Noa hot.

I mean, he's obviously a five.

So tall and earnest.
Ugh.

Okay, I'll go tell Noa
to be less hot.

Uh-uh! And sabotage my efforts
at paying you back?

I don't think so, Barb.

Also, he's, like, your employee.

That would be, like, hottist.

What, are you gonna
go up to an ugly employee

and talk to them
about their ugliness?

- Never.
- Okay. Exactly. So...

As a fellow human
experiencing hotness,

I will speak to him, hot to hot.

Tomorrow.
I don't stay past 5:00.

Backing up!

So, I got this sick
rhinestone collar,

some beef jerky
for us to "Lady and the tr*mp,"

this squeezy boy.

- Very prepared. Good job, Vic.
- Good boy, Vicky.

I also got something for Weezy.

Great. Now you can be

holding something when she
decides not to play with you.

But best of all,

I got us matching bandanas.

Ding-dong.

Ooh. Howie, hi.

So, this is Vic.

H...
Where's-where's my boy?

Where's-where's Gilbert?

Did you think you would just

decide to adopt a dog
and fill out some forms

and then I would
bring you a dog?

I didn't even think
it would be that complicated.

There's actually a very
thorough vetting process.

My-my bandanas...

Call them what they are:
choke-danas.

Do you know that almost
five dogs every year asphyxiate

from bandana
and other hilarious neckwear?

- Howie.
- Mm-hmm.

Wowie. Uh, being thorough
is great and all,

but this feels a little extreme.

Uh, let me see.
Is it extreme

when people say
that they want a dog

but then you find out they were
just bored during a pandemic

or they want to practice
for having a baby

or they found a dog costume
at a yard sale?

- Doggone it.
- Is an expression

we are really not using anymore.

Wow.
So insensitive

to gone dogs.

I didn't know
it would be this hard

to adopt a needy dog.

I know what the issue is.
Dog people.

In terms of your
housing situation...

do you rent or own?

Uh, rent.

Please let me finish.

Because not all leases
allow pets.

Oh, that won't be a problem,

'cause my apartment building
is dog-friendly.

Have you ever
owned a dog before?

- No, but I always...
- Okay, you got to stop interrupting me.

Have you ever
owned a dog before...

as a child or as an adult?

You can talk now.

I don't have all day.

No, but I always
wanted to, growing up.

I moved around from foster home
to foster home.

Kind of like Gilbert.

Maybe... maybe that's why
I feel so connected to him.

Wow.

Domestic instability,

emotional damage,

equating himself to a canine.

This is unbelievable.

I could understand if it was
for a cat, but a dog?

Now, Mr. Tersillo...
Am I saying that right?

Mm-hmm.

So, most dog rescues
would conduct a home inspection.

You were there last week.

What kind of shape
is it in, Gregg?

Imagine if a dorm room and a gym
threw up on each other.

But of course,
everyone expects that,

so they can prepare,
so I don't do those.

Instead...

show me your car.

Oh, God.

What does he call it?

The Buttmobile.

And who is this lovely
inflatable lady?

Mariah.

It's so he can, uh,
take the carpool lane.

Yeah, it's nothing weird.

Do not take her down the 405
with the top down.

And this is what we call

getting off on the wrong paw.

All right, Noa, I don't like you
and you don't like me.

I consider us good friends.

But your APT is way too high.

Customers are taking forever
at your window

because of the way you look.

'Cause of the-the way I look?

I know. I don't get it either.
But how many times a day

does a customer
come up to you and say...

"Oh,
my God, your accent is so cute.

What time do you get off?"

Occasionally. Yeah.

Daily.
Oh, wow. Um...

Uh, hey, as we all know,

L.A. is a kind, welcoming city.

You obviously have never tried

to cross Alvarado
before a Dodgers game.

No. Right...
What can I do about my APT?

Okay, so,
as a fellow hot, I faced

this same problem
when I first started here,

and that's why I invented
window face.

Next.

- Ooh.
- You see? You just have to be mean

and keep things moving.

Mean, though? No, that's...

I-I don't think that's me.

Well, no,
you just have to practice.

Here, let's role-play
a scenario. Okay.

- All right. Hit me.
- You ready?

Hi, sir.
Here's my paperwork.

Um, sorry
if I seem a little sad.

My, um, my mother
fell down a sewer today.

Uh, it was fatal.

I am so sorry.

Noa, are you serious?

- Hello! Remember: mean.
- Oh. Mean.

Mean.

Be mean.

I... I don't care
about your mum.

Noa.

I'm... I don't know
where that came from.

- I'm so sorry.
- Idiot.

I was testing you.
Oh, my God.

Gosh.
I'm just not a good teacher.

It's not you, it's me.
I'm just trying to figure...

That was another test, right?

- Oh, my God.
- I got it.

Okay.

This car is a death trap.

Chocolate-covered raisins?

Aka dog poison.

VR headset?

That's the electric chair
of chew toys.

Costume wig?

That'll set off his prey drive.

That's how that would work.

I'll go get
the office dustbuster

to clean up the Raisinets.

I've seen enough.

Vic Tersillo...

should not have a dog.

Or a job.

Or a place in polite society.

Vic is one of the DMV's finest.

- Is that a compliment?
- Look, he may not be perfect,

but I've worked near the guy
almost every day

for I don't know how many years.

Trust me,
he won't let Gilbert down.

Sure, yeah, he's a little
rough around the edges,

and he applied for the FBI
because he genuinely thought

that they were
female body inspectors,

but he's a good person.

The answer is no.

Okay, new argument.

So, you're going to decide
for Gilbert?

Oh. Yeah.

Yeah.
A dog person

is not gonna let Gilbert
have a say in this?

Unless you're, I don't know,

- a cat person.
- Whoa. Hey.

There's no need for pejoratives.

Fine.

I will let Gilbert meet Vic.

- Thank you.
- Great.

Quick one. Do y'all think
I look like Mariah?

Hmm. Little bit.

Ugh, charge.
Charge, damn it.

Hey.
Great news, buddy.

You got you an interview
with Gilbert.

Seriously?

I wonder what he's gonna ask me.

I know I was skeptical earlier,

but I think I have
a really good feeling

that Gilbert's found
his forever home.

Wow. Forever.

Yeah, it's so great.
That little guy

has been bouncing around
for years,

and now he's gonna be yours.

He's gonna depend on you
for everything.

- Wow.
- And if it's anything like being a cat owner,

you two will have
an unbreakable bond.

Unless someone
has a laser pointer.

Okay.

Captain Crunch,
Noa's taking even longer.

But he's giving
really good window face.

Hey, I'm not interested.
Move on.

I forgot about
the double standard.

When I'm hot and mean,
people think I have attitude.

When he's hot and mean, it only
makes him more appealing.

Damn it.
Sexism strikes again.

I thought Madam Secretary
got rid of all that.

Well, Cec, thanks for trying.

Aah!
Don't you even.

As God as my witness,
I will repay my debt to you,

and you will t*rture me no more.

Fifteen minutes late.

Is this some kind of sick prank?

He probably got held up
doing a driving test.

I will text him.
Oh, he texted me.

"Not coming. Sorry."

Wow. Typical.

Needless to say,
I am very disappointed

and Gilbert is crushed.

Yeah, he looks very affected.

- Boy, oh, boy.
- There you are.

You're hiding in your car?

Leave me alone, guys.

This does not concern you,
Mariah.

I know you guys are really
ticked off with me.

We're not ticked off,
but we are disappointed.

Well, I'm ticked off.

I knew I shouldn't have
listened to Gregg.

What? And all of a sudden
this is my fault?

Well, this wasn't my idea.

Oh, if it was up to you,
he wouldn't try anything.

If it was up to you,
he would have broken his neck

doing that crash test
demonstration.

All of a sudden, we're at the
motor safety convention of 2022.

I knew that was a bad idea,
I knew this was a bad idea.

- Oh...
- Okay, stop.

Stop.

I can't be the only person
that Gilbert is relying on.

What if he needs help
with his homework?

Or he's the only kid
in his class

that doesn't bring in cupcakes
on his birthday

because his foster parents
never know which day it is?

Gilbert deserves...

deserves better.

No.

I think you guys
deserve each other.

Because I bet a lot of people
overlook... Gilbert.

Yeah. 'Cause nobody realized
what a great guy he is.

And just because he didn't have

the best upbringing doesn't mean

that he can't provide one
for another dog.

So Gilbert's gonna adopt...
Gilbert?

The point is...

is that if you are this worried

about being a good dad,
you're ahead of the game.

Because bad parents do not worry
about being bad parents.

And they certainly don't buy
matching bandanas.

You guys really think I could be
a good dad to Gilbert?

- We know you could.
- Yeah.

You have
to get rid of this hatchet.

- Oh, my car axe?
- Yeah.

But that's how I quickly settle
right-of-way disputes.

Noa?! Oh.

Noa, I figured it out.

We just have
to make you more unappealing.

Oh, no. I haven't worn
rainbow suspenders

since my boy band days.

- Mm.
- Look, I know

my processing time
isn't perfect,

but why is it
such a big deal to you?

Because.
I owe Barb.

- What do you mean?
- She saved my job.

And when someone does
something nice for you,

there are always
strings attached.

Even if you can't feel 'em,
they're always pulling.

My madrinataught me that.

Forget it.
You wouldn't understand.

I completely understand.

- Oh, do you?
- Seriously, I do.

My family... they're very, um...

very transactional.

Like, even if they
do something nice for you,

it comes
with all of these, uh...

Unspoken expectations?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

It's-it's part
of why I moved here.

You know?
It was always gonna

bother me and so,
if I couldn't change who I was,

I guess I had to change
where I was.

sh**t.
I see it now.

I always thought
customers liked you

because of your funny
little accent

and your so-so jawline.

Thanks?

You're welcome.

But the problem still remains.

How do we get your APT down
if you're so damn likable?

- I don't know.
- I am entering the break room.

Is anyone using the microwave?

No.

Oh, Paula.

Thank you.

Tickle my Elmo.
Under six minutes.

Twice.
How'd you do that?

Well, I couldn't change Noa,
so I changed his surroundings.

Psst! Trying to tune out
the P.A. system.

It transmits at a frequency

that makes you want
to k*ll the mayor.

- Freaking genius, Ceci.
- I know.

And now,
my debt to you is paid off.

- That's not a thing.
- Hmm.

But it sure was nice of Paula
to switch windows for you.

sh**t.
Now I owe Paula.

Psst! Miss, your immune system
is fighting an infection.

I can smell it.

It's not going good.

Paula?

It's time for your lunch break.

Gilbert, make a poop,
and we can go.

One big poop.

Go on.
You can do this.

I wanted to apologize.

I really care for Gilbert,

and I promise
never to abandon him.

You already abandoned him
before you even got him.

This is not happening.

I understand.

Your standards are high.

Hold on there, dog boy.

We also

have high standards at the DMV.

And if I remember correctly,

you came to a rolling stop

at the intersection
of Cole and Waring.

- You already passed me.
- I did?

- Where is your license?
- You're mailing it to me.

We are?

- Aren't you?
- You tell us.

You are.

- We're not.
- Hey, unfair.

Very unfair.
You are being...

Ridiculously unreasonable?

Circuitous logic?

Do you know where you are?

We work at the DMV.

We invented
pointless frustration.

I get it.
Okay. We can see

if Gilbert is even open to that. I just...

- - Well... Well, okay.
- Ah.

Oh, Gilbert. Mmm.

Mmm. So many kisses.

- The kissy monster.
- Okay, fine. It is actually fine.

- We have the same breath.
- You're right.

- He was ready.
- Yeah, but, you know,

your challenging him
made him rise to the occasion.

Which he could only do
because you believed in him.

- He's lucky to have us.
- He is.

I will love you forever.

This would never happen
with a cat.

- What, happiness?
- Come on.

- We were doing so good.
- Shh.

Let's go meet everybody.
Noa, I want you

to meet my main man, Gilbert.

Kia ora.
Pleased to meet you, Gil.

Ooh, don't call him Gil.

I mean, how would you like it
if I called you "No"?

- I'd-I'd feel indifferent.
- Okay.

- And that's Paula.
- Oh, great. Now he knows my name.

Why don't you just give him
my Social Security number?

Don't pay attention to her.

And this over here is Ceci.

She might be
your hot mom one day.

Oh, my God.
I like it.

I'm gonna paint your nails.

- Ooh.
- Ooh, what color?

Red, to match our bandanas.