01x14 - Payday

[bunniefuu]

So, did I pass?

This close, young samurai.

You're required
to attach a red flag

to any load protruding
more than four feet.

So you failed.

- But you're the one who put the...
- Also not

the first time
I've used "red flag"

and "load protruding"
in the same sentence.

- Good job, Vic.
- You're the one who put the box in my car.

After you made me drive to the
furniture store to pick it up.

Okay, memory.

Cool your jets.

I'll consider a retest if you
help me carry the box inside.

Okay. Come on.

Let's go.

Boop. That's it.

So, why are you bringing
a coffee table to work anyway?

Workers at the DMV
get paid once a month.

So the week before payday,
when funds are low,

we need side jobs.

This month I'm assembling

and delivering furniture
for lazy people.

Yeah, right now it kind of feels
like I'mdelivering furniture

for lazy people.

Well, you're really,
really good at it.

- I know.
- I'll catch you inside.

I'm gonna hit the baño.
I've got a...

load protruding.

Ha-ha! Full circ.

Yeah.

Hey, uh...

Hey!

One more pineapple
and we win 25 grand.

Come on, Ceci.

I believe in your nails.

Strawberry.

We lost again.

Honestly, I blame this room.

- It's got bad juju.
- Yeah,

we should scratch
the ticket in a room

at the DMV that has no juju.

I can't stand

sleeping on my neighbor's futon.

Well, that's on you
for renting out your place

as your side hustle.

You know, you're a pretty girl.

You could be one of those girls
online that eats

and everyone watches.

I have seen you loudly house
a double bacon chee.

- I'll think about it.
- Mm.

- You're perfect.
- I'm so tired.

Can one of you take
the next test, please?

Not unless it's at 2:00 p.m. and
a hatchback. I got a delivery.

Sorry, Colette.
I'm working over here.

I'll take the next one if it's
at a convenient time for me.

- Thanks.
- Hey.

Uh, did-did one of you
print this?

An-an essay about a time
you overcame adversity?

- Yeah. That's mine.
- Oh. Wait,

so-so you had a trip
to Aspen ruined

because the pilot for your
private plane got a stomach bug?

No, I'm rewriting college essays
for wealthy private school kids.

This one is Leland's.

What's a Leland?

It's a cross between a Tripp
and a Brooks.

I hate rich people.

With their caviar, champagne,

going to the movies and buying

their candy
from the concession stand,

not taking it out
of their cargo pocket.

- Oh, totally, right?
- You know?

Like, rich people,
I just... They're the worst.

- Like, the worst.
- Yeah.

Mo money, mo problems, ya heard?

Yeah.

Yeah, I heard.

So, Vic,

when was the last time
you overcame adversity?

Actually, Gregg,
I consider myself colorblind.

I don't see adversity.

Now serving...

Mm-hmm.

Did you experience

a life-threatening illness
recently?

- No.
- Oh.

Then you will soon.

Now step back and smile.

Go, go. Smile.

- Wait, what?
- Mm. Good enough.

- I...
- Good luck. Next!

Hey, Ceci, can you translate
this text from my renters?

They only speak Spanish.

That's Portuguese.

- But they're asking for your Wi-Fi password.
- Oh.

It's "Colette-is-rowdy."

Get it? Like "router"

but also whoo!

Where's your candy?

I haven't eaten yet today.

There's no more, Barb.

Can you just get
a normal side hustle

like everyone else instead of
starving yourself every month?

It's not just starving.

It's energy conservation

and deep...

- breathing.
- Yes, yes, yes.

We know. All part of the
military preservation techniques

- you learned from your parents who were in the Marines. Yeah.
- Marines. Good.

- I knew a Maureen.
- Hmm?

Now, that girl was rowdy.

I'm rowdy.

- Listen.
- Mm.

I can't get a second job.

- I am manager of the gal-dang DMV.
- Mm.

And I need to be
singularly focused and alert.

Oh.

Your shoe's on the wrong foot.

Your shoe's on the wrong foot,
Ceci!

- I'm Colette.
- I'm Ceci.

I'd laugh, but I'm in the middle
of an inhale.

Barb, your lips are blue.

You need a Snickers.

I need...

help.

Okay.

Now serving...

Hey. About earlier,

I hope the stuff Vic said
about rich people

didn't offend you, you know,

you being a former rich kid
and all.

Oh, yeah. That. Um...

Hey, I'd rather not talk
about it, to be honest.

Oh, don't worry.
I haven't told anyone

that your parents are rich.

You know, I still can't believe

you cut them off
and chose to be one of us.

One of you?
Really?

I, I still feel
like the new guy.

No one sees you that way.

Gregg, new guy, plot twist.

- Mm.
- Turns out the coffee table's

bigger outside the box
than inside.

- Completely unpredictable.
- I don't think

that coffee table's gonna fit
into the Buttmobile.

Oh. Well, why don't you ask Noa?

He can help you. Right?

He doesn't have his license,
but he has that big van.

Okay. Yeah.

What do you think, surfer girl?

Help me build,
we transpo in your van-o.

Bigger cars, bigger jobs,
bigger dinero.

I think...

- Yeah, that would be great.
- All right.

We split everything
down the middle,



- Come on. Let's make some, dawg.
- Uh...

- Right.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Thank you.

All right.

Greggy did good.

- You wanted to see me?
- Yes!

You made me realize that,
by depriving myself,

I'm depriving the DMV.

It's so nice to be acknowledged,

but I don't know
what I'm being acknowledged for.

- I got a side hustle.
- Ooh!

Food delivery? Dog walking?
Man walking?

It's a fetish.
I did it once. Twice.

Why don't I wait
and have you tell me?

- Self Gloves! Ah! Wow.
- Self Gloves?

Oh.

After having a conversation

with my upstream liaison,

I have become
a Self Glove ambassador.

- Oh...
- You see,

I made the bold choice to...

glove myself.

Oh, they smell weird.

What is this?
I don't think it's real.

Oh. It's funny
you should say "real,"

because our unique system
of gloves provides real results.

- Huh.
- Such as anti-aging,

relaxation,

and hip opening.

That? That sounds impossible.

It was. Until now. There's more.

Once I start recruiting
ambassadors for my team,

I start building
a passive income stream.

- Mm.
- It helps if you think of it as a pyramid.

Barb, this is
a multilevel marketing scheme.

They took advantage of you.

No. I've taken advantage

of a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity...

- God, this is...
- for financial freedom.

Oh, this is so bad. Don't worry.

I'm gonna call.
Let me get you out of this.

- Read the pamphlet.
- It's not good.

I'm going to become
a millionaire.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh!

Honey, it's working already.

Uh, Mr. Davenport, I got your
message about Leland's essay.

And I appreciate
your suggestion,

but I'm not sure that nepotism

is the most compelling form
of adversity.

What the hell?

Also, I don't think
that throwing like a girl

is technically a disability.

But I will keep working on it.

- Did you Uber to work?
- Uh, yeah.

'Cause I don't have my license.
You know that.

Well, how can you afford to Uber
so close to payday?

I...

You work at the DMV.

You don't have a side hustle.

You're in no rush to get
your driver's license.

There's no sign of depression.

It's as if you have money.

I thought you said
your parents cut you off.

- I said I cut themoff.
- Mm.

And I did.
But I didn't cut Curtis off.

Uh, well, explain it to me
like I don't know who Curtis is,

- 'cause I don't know who Curtis is.
- Oh, so-so,

Curtis, he's
my family's business manager.

So he manages my finances

- and...
- So you're still rich?

No. No, I'm not rich.

- Who pays your rent?
- Curtis.

- Who pays your credit card?
- Curtis.

When you bought your van,

you said that your bank account
was wiped out.

Yeah. It was.

But then Curtis refilled it.

- Wow.
- Noa.

Bro. Don't be sleeping
on the job day one.

We got bunk beds to build.

Okay.

Boom, boom, boom.

It's a little joke.

Hey, please,
can we keep this between us?

- Thank you, mate.
- Yeah.

Wow, Noa's rich.

That explains the teeth.

Oh, my God, Colette,
did you hear that Barb fell for

some multilevel pyramid scheme

and is trying to sell gloves
to everybody in the office?

Yeah. I called and I tried
to get her out of it,

but turns out this one's legit.

Oh, my God. I simply cannot.

Do you know that feeling
when winter ends

and you shave your legs for
the first time in three months

- and then you get into clean sheets?
- No.

No, we don't even have
winter here.

That's what it feels like
when you put these on.

And the company
is super impressive.

They have
a dynamic business model

structured around you being
your own boss.

- I can't believe they got you, too.
- Yeah, they got me.

They got me a big opportunity
to build my own business.

Honestly, sad.

I moved three units, and already
I'm a level-two Finger Slinger

on track to win a white Cadillac
and a vacation in Cancún.

Holiday weekends excluded,
restrictions apply.

My abuelagets sucked
into one of these every week.

What's the cult leader's name?

I'll call
and get you both out of it.

And does this Cadillac
only come in white,

or could I get a custom color?

Now serving...

Rose gold? Louanne,
you are talking my language!

Girl.

- Wha... Buddy.
- Yeah.

You're taking apart the pieces
that came put together.

It's okay if you want
to do this by yourself.

And then
you can just use my van.

Hey. "Noa" way.

We're partners. All right?

- I'll teach you.
- Are you sure?

'Cause I'm so slow at this.

Hey, no one's slower than me.

Besides, you probably need
the money even more than I do.

You all right, Greggy?

Uh, yeah. I'm just getting a
little annoyed at the rich kid.

- Uh, in my essay.
- Mm. Mm.

Uh, your test drive is here.

Oh, perfect.

I'll have him go through
the drive-through and grab us

some burgies. Then we can hop
on this bed and start screwing.

Okay.

Sweet.

What are you doing?

Anticipating my burgie.

You're also walking around
in poor-face,

acting like someone
who needs money when you don't.

You're like Leland
in this essay,

working in the kitchen
at his country club

in order to get inspiration
for his student film.

- Hey, I...
- It's offensive.

I didn't mean it like that.

Well, you need
to tell Vic the truth.

Feel like that's a really hard
conversation to have.

Yeah, well,
if you don't have it, I will.

That would be amazing.

Thank you so much, man.

Whoa, what a relief.

Okay.

Now serving...

I'm sorry. I noticed you
from across the room.

Are you an entrepreneur?

Do you want to be?

What if I told you
that everything you need

to be successful is
right in the palm of your glove?

The entry-level package
is called Glovely Lady.

Oh, my God. Since I have had
such a lovely time

chatting with you,

if you sign up right now,

I'll even give you
a cuticle mask for free.

Which I'm not allowed to do,
so don't tell my boss.

Girl, just kidding.
I am my own boss.

Hello.
Look at this. Here.

Water man, water man, you won't
regret this.

If my lover came home
with a pair of gloves like that

and a new passive income,

ha-ha, we'd be playing "choose
your own adventure" that night,

you know what I mean?

Have fun, kids.

Yeah.

Oh.

There you are.

- Listen, I wanted to talk to you...
- Oh, dude.

Check this out.

Business cards.

Cool, right?

- Why so big?
- So people don't lose 'em.

Duh. It's like
a gas station bathroom key.

Brilliant. Uh, listen,

- about Noa, I w...
- Yeah, you know what,

thanks for suggesting
I take him on.

First I was just using him
for his van,

but I really like teaching him.

- It's nice helping people.
- Yeah, it's, uh,

something we don't get to do,

- working here at the DMV.
- Anyways,

thanks for putting the Two
Strapped Studs together, bro.

Oh, but you were saying
something about Noa? Um...

Nothing.

What are you humming?

Oh, the theme song.

Oh, let me hear it.

Um, it-it's like...

♪ Do you need a stud? ♪

♪ Maybe two? ♪

♪ We got Two Strapped Studs for you! ♪

That answers every question
somebody would ask about

Two Strapped Studs.

It's a little long.

- Wow.
- ♪ Need some help from two guys? ♪

♪ Well, we can be those guys ♪

♪ And if you don't need that help... ♪
- I love it.

I sold four pairs
on my family text chain.

All to my aunts.

- That's crazy.
- Should we ask for time off now

for the Self Glove conference
in June?

Galveston is beautiful.

- I hear.
- You know that I am


free registration?

But then I'm out.

While I'm on top of the pyramid.

Ah, it feels so good
to finally become the woman

I knew I could be.

Isn't it so crazy
that this is the last month

we have to worry about payday?

I evicted my tenants last night.

We all yelled and cried,
but it was so worth it

to sleep in my bed again.

This time next month,

the DMV is going to be
our side hustle.

I know. It's like,
should I have a baby?

- No.
- I can afford it now.

- Mm-mm.
- Yeah. Totally. That's what I thought.

Hey, ladies.

Hey, Barbie.

- Hey, Barb.
- So glad I got us all involved in this.

- We love it.
- Quick question...

on a scale from one
to fire ants,

how weird do your hands feel?

Oh! Barb, no!

Oh, my God! No. Nothing.

- Not like that.
- I know.

- They're stinging bad.
- You must've done

something weird, okay?
Like-like gardened

or pet a kitten or something.

That cannot be
from our superior glove product.

No, can't be from these.

'Cause if it were,
that would be...

Bad!

This is bad!

I'm gonna have to take
your word for it,

because I can't actually feel
my hands.

I already have a foot thing!

Now I got a hand thing?!

Pull it together, you two!

Okay? No more negative talk!

But I was certified

by the state of Fliroda!

This is not
the Self Glove language

that launched us
into a new stratosphere

of self-growth!

Oh, my God.

I'm hearing it now, too.

I'm listening,
but I'm not hearing it.

Barb, it's a scam!

But I already booked
the Glover's Lane package

to Galveston!

Get out of here, Jilloyce!

Noa, I don't think we should
tell Vic the truth just yet.

What truth?

Oh.

Well, this predictably blew up
in my face.

The truth is, I'm the one...

No, no, no. Wait.
Hold on a second.

This is mine to tell. Vic,

the truth is... I...

Gregg and I are in love.

- Yes. Colette owes me 30 bucks.
- What? No.

Noa is rich.

I'm not rich.

I just... I have a safety net.

You know how some rich people

think they're not rich
'cause there's richer people?

Yeah.

Well, Noa has a Curtis.

Is that like a Leland?

My family is wealthy, yeah.

Like you've been Jet Skiing?

Well, it's the only thing
to do at our private lake.

So you don't need a side hustle?

Look, no, I don't need

a side hustle,
but I like doing this with you.

But you don't need it.

Just like I...

don't need you.

Mate, no.

Please.

Come on.

I just got to bend it
a little bit first, lick it.

Dang heavy card stock.

Betrayed by my muscles

and my friend.

Okay, Louanne, I see.

I just find it a little funny

that the rewards are printed in
big bold letters on the front

while the warnings
about skin lesions are buried

in a word search
on the back, hmm?

I just want to know what you
plan to do to right this wrong.

What did you say?

Oh, Louanne, you better watch

where your husband goes.

And you know what,
just for that,

I'm not gonna reverse the hex

I put on your family!

So, like, an 80% refund or...?

We signed away all of our rights
to even complain.

I know that I got us

into all this, but...

let's not point fingers.

'Cause we can't.

I think the important thing is

that no one could have seen this
coming.

You guys,
payday is still days away.

How's anyone gonna take me
seriously as a palm reader

when these gloves
literally erased my life line?!

Mine smell.

I went into credit card debt
for this.

- It's, like, cooking the skin.
- Oh,

I guess I'm having willpower
for dinner.

Barb.

It's with deep humility
that I ask,

will you teach us your military
preservation techniques?

It would be my highest honor.

First things first, you
do not want to eat your hair.

It will clog your drains
like you cannot even imagine.

Mm...

Okay.

Hey, Vic,

I'm really sorry I lied to you.

I don't care that you lied.

Nobody lies more than me.
I love lying.

Lying's the best.
We should lie more.

I'm just bummed

Noa's not who I thought he was.

I mean, is he even British?

Well, actually, he's from New...

Yeah, you know what,
he is still British.

- I feel so stupid.
- Oh.

I thought I was teaching him.

You are.

And just because he's rich
doesn't change that.

Look, Noa has
zero survival skills.

He's like Leland.

Wait.

That's it.
He hasfaced adversity.

His parents.

They never expected anything
from him.

They won't even let him write
his own college essay.

So maybe we all have
more in common than not.

You think?

No. But it makes a great essay.

Oh.

Hey.

Vic, I know
you might be mad at me,

but I-I do need
some help with this.

Oh, don't patronize me.

You don't know
how to use a hammer?

No, I do. I just...

I don't know
how to unglue it from my hand.

Like, it's, like...

It's stuck.

Okay.

Come on, rich guy.

Hey.

Is it okay
if we go back to "new guy"?

Undecided.

Burgies on you this time.

That's-that's fair.

I got to get a little

nail polish remover.

Two Strapped Studs.

Together again.

All right. Iced blended
mocha mocha chow zip

pew pew strawberry buttermilk,
extra sweet.

- That's me. Oh, my God.
- Mm-hmm.

It feels so good
to have cash again.

I know. I bought a whole new
skin care routine this morning.

- Can you tell?
- No.

I bought a women's robe

because it was the first ad
I saw after I got paid.

Geez. You wonder why everybody's
broke at the end of the month.

Well, not everyone.

I still can't believe he doesn't
have to work here.

Yeah, he does it
because he likes it.

- Sick b*stard.
- So how rich

you think we're talking?

Like stairs in the house?

Mm. Probably elevators.

Whoa. Like a hospital.

I wonder if he's in the market
for 60 pairs

- of defective gloves.
- Don't waste your time.

He has to run all of his
expenses by his money manager,

whose motto is "ignore
the 'fun' in trust fund."

Of course we get
the nice rich guy

who can't spend
any of his money on us.

It actually all makes sense now.

Like, he's sheltered.
He's a little naive.

That's why he wasn't into me.

I'm too exotic
and street-smart for him.

- Uh, yeah, okay.
- All right. - Oh, Colette.

Hmm.

- Hi.
- Hi.

You know, it makes sense
why he threw away

a perfectly good stapler.

Yeah, he doesn't know
you have to refill things.

That's why he wears
those ugly sandals.

He probably doesn't know
how to tie his own shoes.

- Yeah.
- Well,

guess you're not
the office dummy anymore, Gregg.

Colette, tell me more
about these gloves.

Yeah, well,

walk with me. How do you feel
about deep exfoliation?

Congrats, man.
You built bunk beds.

- Thanks, man.
- Oh, I was talking to me, but...

congrats to you, too. You...

- watched me build bunk beds.
- Yeah.

Hey, I still have one question.

Oh, the birds are the boys,
the bees are the girls.

No. What's the point
in having two beds,

like, stacked
on top of each other?

You can only sleep in one
at a time, so it's, like...

- Come on, bro.
- What?

Sometimes people
have to share a room.

Oh!

- So it's going on a boat.
- Well, uh...

Ah.

- Dibs on top bunk.
- Okay.

Think we missed a few parts.