02x16 - That Dog in You

[bunniefuu]

Oh man, I love this place.

You remember when Dad
used to take us here?

Yup, yup. We've been
coming here forever.

This place is classic.

Though that mascot always
creeped me out.

Aw Mr. Funbuns?
I love Mr. Funbuns.

I used to sleep with him.

Uh... what?

- He was my first plushie.
- Ah.

Man, every time I see him,

he brings back so many
happy memories.

Ehh, I don't know, man.

I think it's like straight up
nightmare fuel.

I mean, why is it a hot dog
eating hot dogs?

- Congratulations!
- Oh!

Hey Mr. Funbuns!

You've just broken our all
time record for

most hot dogs eaten
in an hour!

I did?

Yo Hank dude,
that's awesome.

Ya know, there's a hot dog
eating contest

at the Glantontown Fair
this year.

You should sign up.
- Oh uh...

Yo no way.

The winner gets a signed
Cooper DeJean jersey.

Hank, you gotta do this.
You would crush it.

Oh okay.
Uh, what do I gotta do?

It's a hot dog eating contest.

It's a contest where
you eat hot dogs, Hank.

He's in.

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Yo, Chet, watch your six!

Thanks, Dar.
Oh crap, there's more of them!

Yo, I'm hit!
Where are my heals, Monte?

Yeah, I think Monte got booted.

Again?
Ugh.

Welp. I got merked by a Smurf.

[knock knock]
Guess what day it is?

Uh... Saturday?

It's the Glantontown Fair!

The fair is for kids
and old people.

Oh come on, Dar.
It's our little tradition!

I got pictures of you every
year on the carousel.

Ok well, I'm 14.
It's weird.

Uncle Hank's doing a hot
dog eating contest.

Mom, we're in the middle of
an Overwar tournament,

and I'm on the best k*ll
streak of my life.

Alright well, I certainly
wouldn't want to mess up

your... k*ll streak.

I'm back. Sorry about that.
What did I miss?

Uh, Monte got banned for
"excessive toxic behavior."

Whatever that means.

I can message Liam and see if
he wants to play healer.

Woah, the kid with the
overactive saliva glands?

Sorry.
Hard no.

Well we're gonna need
someone to play

healer or else we're
gonna get rolled.

Ya know, if you're looking
for a healer... I am a nurse.

Okay, Mom.

What? I've played
video games before.

You know, I used
to beat the crap

out of Aunt Renee
at Mario Kart?

Are you actually serious?

This isn't Mario Kart.

You would get destroyed
in this game.

You sure about that?

Yes. Bye, Mom.

Oh man, I've never had this
many people watch me eat.

Relax, dude.
Okay, you got this.

You've been doing this
your whole life.

Only now, it counts
for something.

Alright, here we go.

What's up, G-Town!?

It's the moment some of you
have been waiting for...

The Glantontown Glizzydown.

Today, our gastric gladiators

battle to see who can down the
most dogs in 10 Minutos!

Let's go, Hank!
Woo!

Heads up that
today's event is an

officially sanctioned qualifier
for the

Wiener World Championship
in Oceanwood, New Jersey.

Yo you hear that, Tam?
That's like, actually on TV.

Alright eaters, on your marks.
Get set.

Glizz!!!

Let's go Hank! C'mon!
Get after it!

Yeah! Let's go Hank!

Mmm.
Oh yeah.

Oh my God.
Who is that woman?

She's an eating machine.

Oh no.
She's a ringer.

You gonna to eat all those?

Well, he's got the
eating part down.

Not sure about the uh...
competitive part.

... Three, two, one...
Alright!

Dogs down!

Hmm.

Uh... the contest is over
my guy.

Oh I know, yeah.

I Just don't wanna waste
the dogs.

Let's give it up for our winner,

eating a redonk

from Brooklyn, New York,
Anna "The Anaconda" Conda!

Oh c'mon!

How you like them dogs
Glansonville!

Brooklyn Represent!

Yo. That's disrespectful.

Alright. Uh, quick announcement:

If we got any doctors
up in here,

Mo the Meat Mountain's got a

little medical situation
going on.

Man that was fun.
Those were some solid dogs.

And that's all that matters,
honey.

Uh no. That is not all
that matters, actually.

God gave this man a gift.

And yeah, it's a weird gift,
but it's still a gift.

And it would be a sin
not to develop it.

Hank could be special.

Whoa, you really think so,
Mark?

Pfft, I know so, okay.
I think you could go pro.

I mean, with the right training,
you could be the vessel

through which I
vicariously fulfill

everything that I
have ever wanted.

Oh, man.
I've always dreamed about

helping you live out
your dreams.

Hell yeah.
Let's do it.

Oh, damn!
I'm hit.

What the hell, Liam?

I thought you were
pocketing him.

Sorry!
The lag's bad.

My brother upstairs is running a
Gonjacoin masternode.

Did he just get kicked?

Sorry. I couldn't take
it anymore.

I mean, he sounds like he's
sipping soup through his teeth.

Dude. We're gonna get
crushed with no support.

Uh... wait.
Someone else just queued in.

Hey, guys!
Heard you need a healer.

- Mom?!
- Whoa. Lookin' good,

Mrs. H. Didn't know your
mom was a gamer.

She's not. How did you
even get in here?

Eh, your mom's more tech-
savvy than you think.

JD, can you kick her?

Uh... I'm not kicking your mom.

She's gonna get farmed. She
has no clue what she's doing.

Darren!
Are you okay?!

Yeah, I'm great. I love getting
shot in the neck.

Just stay calm.
How do I apply pressure?

Is there like a gauze button?!

Stand over him and press
the circle button.

They're all circle buttons!

The one with the circle
symbol on it.

Oh whoa whoa.
Getting dizzy here.

Oh my God.

Oh! Found it.
There you go.

Oh yo! Mrs. H!
Nice!

See? Your mother just
saved your butt.

Now let's go whoop some butt.

No!
That's a plasma--

...mine.

They shoulda put a warning
label on those.

Should we go again?

No, Mom. We can't have
noobs on our team.

If we lose one more time, we're
gonna drop down to bronze tier.

Oh, what's a noob?

It's a new player who sucks.

Oh... gotcha...

Alright Hank,

I'm gonna walk you
through this, okay?

You take the dog outta the bun.
You break it in half.

Eat the dog, okay?

Now you take the bun.
You dunk it in the water.

And then you eat the bun.

[gag]

Boom.
That's all there is to it.

Why can't I just
eat it normally?

Because this is how the
pros do it.

Yeah, it's just uh,
y'know, it feels

kinda disrespectful
to the dogs.

You know what's disrespectful?

Wasting a shot to
do something special.

A chance to go from average
nobody to hometown hero.

To go on tour, rack up all
kinds of fun random prizes,

launch a merch shop
that sells dry-fit

fleeces with custom
embroidered logos

where they overlap
our initials.

But the H looks subtly
like a hot dog,

but it's still classy.

Hank, with your God-given
talent and my guidance,

you can achieve my dream.

Okay.
Let's do it.

♪ Yeah, I'm hungry like a wolf.
Hunting alone. ♪

♪ Cuz you got that dog in you. ♪

♪ And the fire burns
in my throat. ♪

♪ The acid comes through. ♪

♪ Cuz you got that dog in you. ♪

♪ And I need this more
than ever. ♪

♪ Cuz my back's against
the wall. ♪

♪ Cuz you got that dog in you. ♪

♪ And my stomach
doesn't just rumble. ♪

♪ It rears up and roars. ♪

♪ Cuz you got that dog in you. ♪

[vomit]

Yeah-Ha-Haa! Yeah!
Team Hoagies! Let's Go!

Hell yeah!

Dude I'm so proud of you, bud.

We are going to the Wiener
World Frickin' Championships.

Man we did pretty good, huh?

Yup, but the job's
not finished.

Gotta keep our foot on the gas.

Yeah it's just uh...
I might need to take a

little hot dog break.

Listen I hear ya bud but we
gotta keep that stomach

stretched and ready
for Oceanwood.

Actually the best way to build
stomach elasticity is

alternating big meals with
periods of fasting.

Keeps your capacity high
without fatiguing your system.

Uh... Who the hell are you?

Brooks Coleman. Head of
Scouting for Team Devour.

Team Devour?

The number one professional
eating program in the world.

We've had our eyes on you
for a long time.

Hell of an effort out there
today.

But if you're going to have any
chance at Oceanwood,

you'll need to find
another gear.

a win against amateurs,

but it won't cut it against
the best of the best.

Yup. See this guy knows, okay.

That's exactly what I've
been saying.

I dunno. I feel like if I eat
any more. I'll explode.

Listen, I've been doing this
a long time and

I know a generational
talent when I see one.

With your rib-to-hip
ratio and abdominal distension,

I think we could get you
to 90 dogs easy.

Exactly. See, Hank? It's
what I've been telling you!

You've got the rib-to-hip
abdominal... distinction.

So, listen, if you're
interested in

reaching your full
potential,

we'd love for you to
join Team Devour.

Oh wow, okay, well...
Just before we agree

to anything, I just wanna make
sure that I would be...

involved in this, y'know.
It's very important... to Hank.

Totally. That's why we
don't just sign eaters--

we sign teams.
So you would handle all

the big decisions
on everything from

branding to
sponsorships to merch.

Oh. Great, yeah.
We're in.

Uh Mark, I feel like maybe
we should think about this.

No problem. You've got my info.
Let me know if you

want to swing by and
check out the facility.

Alright sounds good, man.
Thanks.

Yo Hank, this is it dude!
This is our chance to go pro.

Yeah it's just uh...

I'm kinda tired of
eating hot dogs.

Hank, you're just
hitting a wall.

But you've gotta power through.

I have waited my
whole life to be

offered a tour
of the facilities,

and now thanks to you,
I've got that chance.

I mean... I guess it wouldn't

hurt to check
out the facilities.

Haha, there we go!
Hanky Hank! Let's go!

Damn, yo, this is unbelievable.

Yo, is that a sauna?

One of three here
in our facility.

Great for digestion,
relaxation,

and sweating out excess
bun water.

This is our training room.

Each one of these
machines focuses

on strengthening specific
eating muscles.

And this is Eddie Almanac,
our head trainer.

Eddie meet Hank and his dad,
Mark.

Oh, I'm actually his uh--

Damn, you weren't kidding,
Brooks?

That there's an eater's body,
if I ever seen one.

Kids built like a flamingo
smuggling a watermelon.

Oh, uh... thanks?

Holy-- Oh my God!
Are you kidding me?

That's our Sustenance Center.

Can't train professional
eaters without food, right?

Man I feel like I died and
went to the fat-guy heaven.

So, what do ya think?

You ready to be a part of this?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh man uh...

Listen, I know it's a
lot to take in,

but you have an opportunity
to be a

generational talent in a
niche sport.

Imagine your name etched
on the side

of that meat-shaped
novelty trophy.

That's what we do.
We build champions.

All you gotta do is
take the leap.

Yo this is all free, right?

I don't know, Mark.
These guys are pretty intense.

Listen, if you wanna quit
and go back to

being just a regular guy
who likes hot dogs,

we can leave right now.

Okay, yeah.
That sounds good.

Whoa whoa whoa Hank yo.
You're really gonna walk away?

After coming this far?

I mean, I don't want to let
you down, but it's just...

ninety dogs is... That's a lot.

[sigh]
Hank, you don't owe it to me.

You owe it to yourself.

Do you really think Eddie
just tells anyone

that they look like a flamingo
smuggling a watermelon?

I don't think so.

Yeah, being a champion is hard.

But there's only
one person in here

who does not believe in
you, and that's you pal.

That's you.

Hmm. Yeah. Okay.
I'm in. Let's do it.

Awesome, dude. Now go
in there and show him what

Hank Hoagies is made of.
- Hell yeah.

Alright, I'm actually gonna hit
the uh marketing department

up to go check out some
of the merch samples, alright?

"Match in progress..."
What the hell?

Thanks for the
heads up, guys.

Your mom said you
were still sleeping.

You talked to my mom?

- Hey, Dar!
- No. No, no, no no no.

I figured I'd get in some

practice reps
before you woke up.

Seriously guys?
She sucks at this.

Darren!

Actually, she's kinda legit.

Yeah, dude.
She's leading in kills.

What?

I've been watching tutorials.

Alright whatever.
I'll take sn*per.

Actually... you mind
running support?

What? I-I thought my mom
was the healer?!

Nah. She's an absolute
beast on as*ault.

What the hell?

[gunting]
C'mon, Hank. Get the dog!

Get that little doggie!

I know you want that dog in you!

Hey, maybe he could
take a fiver?

I mean he's eating hot dogs,
not withholding

the location of t*rrorists,
right?

Hey amigo, how about you leave

the training to
the trainers, eh?

Ah It's all good, Mark.
I got this.

No pain no gain, right?

Hey Mark, you mind heading
over to conference room 251B?

Our branding team wants to
meet with you

to go over Hank's
personal logo.

We've got a big meeting with
Jordan Brand on Tuesday

and want to make sure
we're all aligned.

Oh, uh... hell yeah.

Alright, they're camping
the cannery.

JD, flank around back
and drop some clusters.

Mrs. Hoagies, keep
their tanks busy

so I can make a
run for the crate.

Whoa! I'm down.

Oh! Haha.
My bad.

Must have pressed the wrong
button. I dunno.

Not used to playing his healer.

What are you doing?
You just domed your own mom!

Friendly fire.
It happens.

That's messed up, Dar.

And that's coming from a half
demon who ate his siblings.

Whatever. Enjoy running
pocket for my mom.

I'm joining a real squad.

Darren, watch out for that--

Plasma mine.

Ughh!

Hank?

Yo, Hank! You in here?
Hank?

You got this, Hank.
Just 30 more minutes.

Ay yo, Hank, I wanna show you
some of the uh, color options

on these performance hoodies.

Guess what the material they're
using to--

What. The. Hell?

Hey. Outta here.

No parents in the training room.

Yo what the hell are
you doing to Hank?

- Training him?
- Training?

C'mon dude you're pumping
sludge into him

like he's a frickin' goose.

Everybody loves the sausage, but

nobody wants to
see how it's made.

Yeah but like, he's gonna lose
his love of hot dogs.

That's the point.

Eaters need to be conditioned
to hate food.

That's how you go from
eating... to devouring.

Yeah, but that also
kinda... sucks.

I promise you,
when Hank's hoisting

that trophy and thanking
you for believing in him,

you'll realize it was all
worth it.

Catch.

Whoa.

Okay, this is--
this is nice, dude.

You got... ventilated armpits
and everything.

Check out the logo.

Not bad being the parent
of a champion, eh?

All the perks,
none of the work.

Alright alright. First off,

okay-- I'm not his dad, okay.
I'm his brother.

I don't know why you keep
saying that, but it's weird.

Secondly, the H is supposed
to look like a hot dog.

I literally talked to Candace
about that like four times.

Now you said that I make
the big decisions.

Well, here's my call:
We're out.

If you wanna quit,
be my guest.

But if Hank wants out?
That's gotta come from him.

I'm his daddy now, Mark.

Oh yeah?

Well that would make
you my daddy,

and I have daddy issues.

Anyway...

I...

am gonna go talk to Hank.

... But first I'm gonna
grab this.

Alright bud, let's get outta
here. We're going home.

Wait I can't quit, Mark.
I'm up to 82 dogs!

Oh yeah?
And how'd they taste?

Oh, uh I dunno.
I uh...

kinda stopped tasting them.

Hank, hot dogs used to
make you happy.

You'd smile just
unwrapping one.

Now look at you.

Greatness demands
sacrifice though, you know?

You said it yourself.

Hoagies! Need you in
the bread pool

for high-pressure bun
sucking. Let's go!

All right.

Hank, you do not need
to do this.

Sorry, Mark.
Everyone's counting on me.

Brooks. Eddie.

The lady from legal will
made me sign

a thing that says if I die
it's my fault.

Who cares what they want?
What do you want?

C'mon, Hank,

remember the joy that hot dogs
used to bring you!

Eh they told me I'm not supposed
to think about that anymore.

So you sure he's coming back?

Oh yeah. He was just hangry.

I brought him some pizza
rolls. He'll be fine.

- I don't know.
He seemed pretty butthurt...

- Language.

- Sorry, Mrs. H.

Ah crap, ambush!
Get down.

- I'm hit!

On my way, honey!
Oop, c'mon... Whoa-- Heheh...

Dammit! I'm down, too!

Alright, hold tight, doll--

- Uh-oh.

Alright, where are you hiding?

Come on out so I can teach
you a lesson!

Ooh!

Take that!

Noob move, mom.

Darren/Darren/Darren?

Sup guys.

Uh... Mrs. Hoagies?
Uh... Bleeding out over here.

Liam, can you take care of JD?

It would be my pleasure.

Oh, great.

Well, well, well.
If it isn't the Jersey Devil.

I guess I'm your angel
of death, here too--

Dude, just k*ll me before
I alt-F4.

S-orry-I'm-lag-gin-

I got you, sweetie.

Aw man...

Heard you needed a "Heel."

Darren, what are you doing?
You k*lled your best friends?

I thought they were
your best friends.

Oh. I see.
I'm sorry, Dar.

I didn't mean to
ruin your squad.

It's just... y'know,
I was a little hurt when you

didn't want to go to
the fair with me,

so I thought we
could spend time

together doing something you
actually enjoy.

It's just one fair.
T-There'll be more.

You see that's how it starts.
Today, it's the fair.

Next thing you know,
you're spending

Christmas morning at
your girlfriend's house...

C'mon, Mom. I... Look--

I still wanna hang out.
But... gaming is kinda

my thing with my friends.

But maybe we can find a
new thing to do together.

Ya know, Uncle Hank is in
a big eating competition.

You wanna watch him shovel
hot dogs down his gullet?

Um... n-not really,
but if it means you'll

stop playing Overwar,
then... sure.

Oooh, great! How do I do
one of them happy dances?

Just RB and Press X.
Like this.

[bang!]

Sorry sweetie,
we gotta get going.

- Oh that was cold, Mrs. H!
- Absolutely savage!

Welcome everyone to the
newly built

Silverfish Memorial Freedom Pier
in beautiful Oceanwood,

New Jersey for the
Wiener World Championship.

Today, the best hot dog
eaters in the world

compete for PLE's most
coveted prize, the Giant Wiener.

Woo, let's go, Hank!

Hey, where's Mark?
It's about to start.

Introducing... from sunny
California... Joey Pecans!...

And from Brooklyn, New York...
Anna "The Anaconda" Conda!

Boo!

And introducing... a first-time
challenger, from Glantontown,

South Jersey's own...
Hank Hoagies!

Three... two... one... Eat!

♪ [action]

Sorry, saving this se--
Ohh my--!

- Hey hun.
- Mark?

♪ [nostalgic]

What are you doing?
Let's go, Hank! C'mon!

- Mustard?
You don't use condiments, idiot!

- What the hell is he doing?!
- That's just for the sponsers!

What are you waiting for?
Eat!/C'mon!/Boo!

Boo!
Boo!

Boo!

The hell was that?
Like three hot dogs?

They were pretty good
dogs though.

So much for all that training,
Mark. He somehow got slower.

Hey, he enjoyed it.
And that's all that matters.

Does anyone care that I
am not enjoying this?

No Darren.
No we do not.

Alright let's see uh

lemme get a chili dog
with a pork roll wrap,

uh, Dykstra Dip Dog,
hold the 'Roid Relish.

Um... One Thick Rick, extra
whiz. And a Scrapple Slam Dog

with a pretzel bun.

Oh and uh I'll do the Double
Fudge Brownie Dessert Dog

with the rainbow sprinkles
and banana sauce.

Ay yo, Dar,
what do you want?

Spicy chicken sandwich.

What? No.
- That's what I want.

Darren, it's a hot dog place.
Get the hot dog.

I don't want the hot dog.

He's gonna have the hot dog.

Fine. Just make it
spicy, made of chicken,

and not a hot dog.

Darren, there's a reason
that the mascot

is not a spicy
chicken sandwich.

- Uh, can I get a garden salad?

[silence]

With uh, hot dog dressing.
And nine hot dogs.

[relieved]
Ah!