02x06 - Hoagie Jones

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, hun.
What do you think of this?

Uh, It's a spoon, Tam.
We got tons of spoons.

I think it's nice.
Could be worth a lot of money.



Whoa. Oh, god.

Yo, check it out, Hank.
It's like a metal duck. Haha.

Quack, quack. Oh, no!
It's got my nose. Ahh!

That's actually an antique
gynecological speculum.

Yo, hon.
You ready to get out of here?

Come on, five more minutes!
- Ughh!

I'm trying to find
a hidden gem, like

them folks on Antiques Roadshow.

Oh, wow.
This is nice.

Might be valuable.
- Tam, are you kidding me?

Who the hell wants to look at
a painting of a creepy old barn?

I'm getting sad just
looking at it.

[a rooster crows]
Mark, they got animals outside.

Oh, dude. Yo, Hank.
They got animals.

Oh, h*! Hell yeah.

Yo, dude. This
horse is no joke, man.

This is a real
friggin' horse.

Oh, hey there, horsey.
- Eh... You want to try?

Oh, thanks, yeah.

Oh, no, no. For the horse.
- Oh. Oops.

Here you go, horsey.
Man, he loves apples, eh?

Oh yes, but ah,
it's just for treat.

[horse farts]
Oh! They give him gas.

Yo damn, dude. That's like
a beautiful animal right there.

Look at those glutes, dude!
Unreal!

Ay, this horse is very powerful.

You ever race it?
- No, just pull the seed wagon.

Huh...

Yo hank, they got
frickin' Seabiscuit

out here working the field, dude.

You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?


- 300!

Hey man, great doing
business with you, alright?

Oh, no.

Mark Hoagies, please tell
me you did not buy a horse.

No, I did not buy a horse.

Oh. Okay, you scared me.

Hank and I bought
it together! Yooo.

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

Do you like uh, hay?
I hear it's for horses.

No?

Wait, do you mean "yes"
or does the "neigh" mean, "nay?"

Yo, how's our boy doing?

He's pretty good, Mark.

I was thinking uh,
maybe we can name him Mr. Ed.

No, we're not calling
him Mr. Ed. C'mon.

- Uh, why not?
Copyright issues.

I'm thinking we call him.

Hoagie Jones as an homage
to Smarty Jones,

the greatest horse in
Philadelphia history.

Ugh, Mark, can we talk?

C'mon, Tam. I thought
you liked horses.

Yeah, everybody does.
But there's

a difference
between liking horses

and having one
live in your garage.

I'm telling you, Tam.
I got a feeling

about this horse,
okay? It's frickin' jacked.

This thing is an investment.
It's gonna to pay off big time.

Tell me the last good
investment you made.

How's that plot of land in the
metaverse working out for you?

Actually, I'm riding the dip,
Tam. And by the way,

this is pretty rich coming
from the woman

who just paid $300 for
some random painting of a barn.

Actually, I've been doing
some research

and I think it's an Andrew
Wyeth. Could be worth millions.

Oh yeah, when our horse
wins The Triple Crown,

maybe you can buy an
actual Andrew Wyatt.

For all you know that
thing could be a mule.

Well, we're gonna find
out soon.

I got my expert coming by
to take a look.

[doorbell]
Oh, would you look at that?

I believe my horse racing
aficionado has arrived.

So where's the pony?

Looks like a legit thoroughbred
you got here.

Boom! You hear that, Tam?

Yeah, but I don't mean he
can win a race.

Oh, c'mon, dude.
Look at his gams, dude.

He's obviously expl*sive.

Well, uh. Won't know for sure
until we see him run.

What are you doing down there,
Hank?

Oh, I'm uh, I'm teaching him
how to talk, like a monkey.

Watch this...

Hey, Hoagie Jones.
What do you want for lunch?

" Sleep. Sleep. Poop."
- Pretty cool, eh?

He wants poop and two
sleeps for lunch.

Uh, yeah. I don't
know about this, Hank.

Okay, Hoagie Jones.
Let's see what you got, baby.

Show me those afterburners.

I'm not gonna lie,
that might be the slowest

horse I've ever seen.
- Ah, damnit.

Who cares if he's slow, Mark?

Uh, I care, Hank?

I mean, what's the point of
buying a horse if it can't race?

I don't know, just to
have a horse, I guess.

Oh my God, dude.
Frickin' Tammy's

gonna to rake me over the coals

when she finds out
we paid six grand

for friggin'
Slowpoke Rodriguez.

Ah, not necessarily, okay.

You can still make a lot of
money on a slow pony.

Just gotta bet on it to lose.

Dude, frickin' genius.
I'm in.

Yeah well, there's one hiccup,
okay:

No legit jockey's gonna
ride this thing.

I can ride him.
- Nah, nah, you're too big.

Gotta be a real
tiny little man

who ain't afraid to slap
around a horse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let me see.

Let me get the fried flounder,
double the meat,

throw in a little crab
meat on top, will ya?

Also the prime rib special wit'

green beans and
sweet potato mashed.

And give me a side of
steak-cut onion rings,

well done.
Thank you, sweetheart.

Yo, what the hell kinda
order is that, Steve?

You're getting lethal
injection tomorrow?

You said you were buyin',
Hoagies.

You're unbelievable.

You're the one that
invited me to lunch, pal.

Okay, yeah.
Well, so are you in or what?.

Frankly, I'm insulted.
You think just because

I'm short,
I know how to be a

frickin' jockey?
You think my whole

family's just full of jockeys
and I can just pop on the saddle

and know what
the hell I'm doing?

Nah, I just figure, you know...

Well, I got news
for you. You're right.

On my mom's side,
there were a lot of jockeys.

My Uncle Joe, my Cousin Danny,

and my Grandfather, Pippinucci.

Aw man, he was
an all-time jockey.

He rode Watercracker in the
Stakes until the horse broke

down in the stretch and
it tossed him.

Poor guy faceplanted,
sent his nose

through the back of
his head and

put him in a wheelchair for
the rest of his life.

Ever since then,
I've hated horses.

Ugly, discusting,
smelly animals!

Yeah, but I know
you got that itch, dude.

It's in your blood.
- No, I don't have an itch.

I'm not trying to
break my collarbone.

I got enough
trouble getting back

on a saddle after the divorce.

You know girls
on dating apps can

set a height limit.
You believe that?

I'm being discriminated
against because

my resume doesn't
even show up in the pile!

Oh, yeah?
Watch this.

Hey, ma'am. You know,
my friend here's a pro athlete?

- Is that so?
Yeah, he's a jockey.

Cool.
Do you ride in races and stuff?

Oh, yeah. I ride
more than races, sweetheart.

Give me your number.
I'll show you.

Ew.

Okay, well,
maybe don't say that.

Dude, that was the
closest I've come to

getting laid since the
divorce. Screw it. I'm in.

Yooo. There we go.

Yo! What's with this service!?
Are we in France or something?

Where's my frickin' flounders?

Alright, how we
feeling, Steve?

I'm not gonna to lie to ya.

Feels kinda right. Whoa,
whoa there, you idiot.

Save it for the race.

I don't like the way he
talks to the horse, Mark.

Hank, the horse has no clue
what the hell he's even saying,

It's just one race. After
this, we collect on a bet,

flip the thing, and boom!


Or we can keep him as a pet.

Oh, yeah, okay.
We'll talk about it later.

Right now, it's race time, baby.

Let's go!

And they're off!

Red Rocket takes an early lead,
closely followed by Midnight

Monday and Martin Horsesese
neck and neck...

Yo, there we go, Hoagie Jones.
Do your thing, buddy.

Nice and slow. Hehehe.

Yo, loser! Let's go!

I've seen snails run
faster than you!

Whaddya got brain
worms or something?

[whip] Ha!
[neigh]!

There we go, you little putz!
Remember, the faster you run

the faster I'm off
your bum-a*s!

And here comes
Hoagie Jones, pushing

through the ground
with a burst of speed!

Holy moly!

You better run, or I'm gonna
mount your head above my bed,

so you can watch me make
love to your mother!

Woah!
- What the hell?

I'm gonna rip out your
teeth and use 'em

to tile to backsplash in my
kitchen! Hyah! C'mon!

I'll tell you what.
I guess he ain't so slow.

Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah!

And Hoagie Jones takes it in a

thrilling come-
from-behind victory!

Let's go, dude!
Let's go!

Alright, welp,
we just lost a lot of money.

Oh yeah, but we're about to
make a whole lot more, dude.

This horse is a peach.

How about it, Hank? Let's go!

Mm, I guess, yeah.

Not bad, ya ugly S.O.B.

Steve, dude!

Unbelievable, man. I didn't
know you could ride like that.

Thanks, man. Think is you
gotta ride 'em hard, Hoagies.

It's how my mother got me
to do my homework.

Doesn't work on every horse,
but when it does, look out.

Hey, hey! He didn't do nothing.
Put that thing around my neck.

If this doesn't get me laid
I don't know what will.

Oh, how you feeling,
big guy? Any better?

"Happy. Sad.
Sad. Outside. Yellow."

Yeah, I hear ya.
How 'bout a treat?

Yo, phew. It stinks in here,
dude. How many apples

you feed in this thing?

I'm trying to make
him feel better, Mark.

I didn't like how Steve
was treating him.

He said some really mean stuff.

Aw, no, no. C'mon. It's--

The horse was just responding
to the tone.

Champions love to be
coached hard.

It's a known fact.
- I dunno, uh...

What do you think, Hoagie Jones?

"Pee. Dog."

Sounds like a "yes" to me.

Listen, it's gonna be great, dude.

We got a stud horse
on our hands.

I'm telling you nothing makes a

horse happier than
being a champion.

Now, that is a happy horse.

I dunno.
He's uh... He's not smiling.

Yeah, but think about all
the fancy apples

You can buy with that prize
money we're gonna to win.

I mean you can buy that
horse a frickin' orchard.

- Yeah I guess
Yooo. There we go.

Now let's go win
some races!

♪ I'm here to ball
I'm here to win ♪

♪ Did it before
I'm a do it again ♪

♪ I'm a go off
This for the fans ♪

♪ Straight from the start
I'm a go to the end ♪

♪ And take it all
I'm go take it all ♪

♪ [Take it all], [Take it all]
[Let's take it] ♪

♪ I'm here to ball
I'm here to win ♪

♪ Did it before
I'm a do it again ♪

♪ I'm a go off
This for the fans ♪

♪ Straight from the start
I'm a go to the end ♪

♪ And take it all
I'm go take it all ♪

♪ I'm go take it all
I'm go take it all ♪

♪ I'ma go take it all
Cuz I'm here to ball ♪

♪ I'm here to Win
Did it before ♪

♪ I'm a do it again
I'm a go off ♪

♪ This for the fans
Straight from the start ♪

♪ I'm a go to the end
Go take it all ♪

♪ Go take it all ♪

Now that's art.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta say, honey,

I did not think this horse thing
was gonna to work out for you.

ah, for us, Tam.
I just found out that we

qualified for the
Atlantic City Derby.

So soon, you and I are

gonna to be living a high life,
all thanks to the

little "hidden gem"
I found at the estate sale.

Who would have thunk it?
A toast, to Hoagie Jones,

the best investment our
family's ever made. By me.

Uh... this looks
expensive, Mark.

Yeah. Indeed, it's not cheap.
It's not cheap.

It's imported from The
Loire Valley in France,

you may I heard of it?
A favorite amongst my fellow

horse owners.

Uh. How much
of your winnings have you spent?

Whoa there, Tam.
It's a little uncouth

to reveal one's financials.

You spent all of it, didn't you?

No, I re-invested it.

The prize money is merely
a small piece of the pie.

The real money comes
after you win a Triple Crown:

You got the stud
farming, licensing,

and of course, merchandising.
Yo, check it out, Tam.

We got the Hoagie Jones
t-shirts, the hats here,

got the beer koozies, dude.
All kinds of stuff.

Hoagie Jones is about to
be a brand name.

I'm talking like Seattle Slew
or a Secretariat.

Uh, and what if
your horse loses?

Uh, it's called betting
on yourself, Tam.

Mark, this is completely
irresponsible. Maybe I

should handle the finances
for this horse business.

Oh really, Tam? How's
your investment paying off?

You're gonna return it to Home-
goods for a $30 store credit?

Ugh, you know, you don't
know a damn thing about art!

I Guarantee I make more money
from this painting than

you will with this
idiotic horse venture.

Pfft! Not a chance.

You better hope to God
this horse wins.

Well... it does indeed look
like an Andrew Wyeth.

Really? Haha, I knew it! Yes!

But unfortunately, it's not.

Looks like someone
must have taken

an Andrew Wyeth painting class.

Ugh, so how much is it worth?

I mean, ultimately,
art is subjective.

If this painting speaks to you,
it's priceless.

If not, I'd say about 20 bucks.

Can you write me
a fake appraisal for

more so I can just
show my husband?

Absolutely not.

If the Art Appraisal Guild
got wind of that,

they'd beat me to death.

with an easel.
Please go and never

speak of this again.
- Uh... Okay--

Hmm, pretty good, yeah.
[horse farts]

Ah, come on. There ya go, bud.

Uh, maybe enough
with the snacks, Hank.

Okay, he's got a
race in two hours.

I think he's having anxiety,
Mark. He really doesn't

like the
way Steve treats him...

What do you mean the
horse has anxie--

How-- What are you
basing that on?

He told me, with the buttons.
- Oh yeah? What'd he say, uh

"boat-seashell-poop?
- No, he said "shoe",

which also means "sad".
I don't think he likes racing.

Of course he does,
dude. He's a horse.

All horses love racing.

Maybe we should ask him.

Alri--No-- C'mon, dude.
Enough with this.

Hey, Hoagie Jones. Do you,
uh, like racing?

"No. No. Shoe."

See, right there!!
He doesn't wanna race, Mark.

Uh sorry bud, but the horse
does not have a say in this.

Well I do. It's half my horse,
Mark.

Hank, I need this investment
to pay off.

I hear you, Mark,
but I just really think-

Eh, enough, alright.
He's racing, Hank.

Whoo, this place is the
real deal.

Oh, yeah. Big time.

There he is. The Next Triple
Crown winner: Hoagie Jones.

Hank, you excited, buddy?

- I dunno.
Aw, c'mon, dude. Lighten up.

This is the big time, baby.

I bet the hot dogs here
are unbelievable.

Yo, you guys wanna go
check out the VIP club?

That's where all the big
shot owners hang out.

Ooh, yeah... Um...
I gotta get something out of

the car real quick.
Be right back.

Hey, buddy. Want me get
you outta here?

So yeah, just let me know if
you wanna do some stud

farming, maybe with
some of your mares.

He's really packing,
so I think they'll

really enjoy it.
You know what I mean?

I'll get back to you on that.

Uh, excuse me... Ma'am?
- Yes.

I love your... uh... hat.

Mmm. Thank you.

It's made with feathers from
the last living Dodo. Hahaha.

Ugh. Alright.

Say, are you interested in art?

Not really.

Ugh. Alright.

Yo, Hoagies! Where the
hell's the horse?

Huh? What are you
talking about?

I went to take a whiz,
came back, now he's gone!

The hell?

Oh God. Dude.
Oh, no frickin' way.

Wait a minute. Where's Hank?

Hank! What the hell
are you doin'?!

We're going home.

Are you serious?!
It's the AC Derby!

Sorry, Mark. He doesn't
want a race.

I'm not gonna let Steve do
him like that no more.

Alright, well. You're really
screwing us over here, Hank.

We need this. C'mon!
Yeah. Well, I don't.

And he's my horse, too.

Alright. Hank,
I know you don't like

how Steve treats him.
I get that, I don't either.

But this horse has a chance
to be a champion.

And we may never--

and he may never get
that chance again.

Just one more race and
we're done. I promise.

Fine. One more race.

Aw. Thanks, bud.
I appreciate it.

But I'm gonna ride him.
Not Steve.

No, no, no. What? Wait,
no-- Absolutely not, okay.

You saw how slow that
horse was without Steve.

You don't have to be mean
to make him run fast.

You could also be nice,
like giving them rewards

instead of
insults and whips and stuff.

Aw c'mon, dude.
There's a lot riding on this.

Right now I'm the only
one riding on this.

Let's go, boy.

Alright. Fine. Fine.

We own this horse together,
and if that's what you want,

I accept it.

Wait. Really?

Really.

I'm trusting you here,
though, bud.

Hey, Hoagie Jones. We got
one more race to do, okay?

But no mean Steve,
just you and me.

Whaddya say?

Alright, Hank. Let's move it.

Race starts in 20 minutes.

Let's go, Hoagie Jones.

Hya! Hya!

Here we go, buddy.
Nice and fast.

Oh, boy.

Turns out, he wasn't saying my
ex was in Provence,

He was from Aix-en-Provence.

I'll never make that
mistake again. Hahaha.

Oh, my god, that is rich.

Oh, anyways, this painting...

Yes, are you a collector?

Oh, yeah. Big collector.

Looks like an Andrew Wyeth.

Yeah, y'know it probably is.

I have so many paintings.
I can't even

tell 'em apart anymore.

I got 'em all
over my mansions.

So, you wanna buy it?

I'll give it to you
for a thousand bucks.

Does that include the frame?

Sure, why not.

Alright. Deal.

Yoo-hoo, I just tripled my
profit on the painting.

Told you was worth something.

At least we won't come
away total losers today.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We'll see.

Hey, Mark. Uh, is that
Hank on that horse there?

Uh... Yep.
- Oh, boy.

Yo, uh...
Let me make another bet.

You want in on this, Mark?

Nah, I'm good. I'm
gonna ride this one out.

C'mon, Hank.

You got this, dude.
You got this. The hell?

Here you go, boy! Get excited!
We're gonna have fun today.

The faster you run,
the more treats you get.

You do know that's gonna
give it some serious gas.

Nah, it's okay. We got it under
control. Ain't that right, boy?

Argh!
Hey there, Hank.

Just got hooked up with
a real team.

I hope you like my horse's a*s,

'cause you're gonna be
staring at the whole race, baby.

Oh, okay.
Uh, good luck, I guess.

Oh, I got all the luck I need.

You see that smoking hot
brunette in the 2nd row there?

That's my new girlfriend,
and she don't date losers.

Yo, babe! I'm bringing it
home for you, sweetheart!

You better!
I don't date losers!

I-I-I know!
I was just telling him that.

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the
Atlantic City Derby!

The horses are ready.

The crowd is buzzing and we're
all set for a spectacular race.

Today's lineup includes
some of the finest.

Cinnamon's Son, Beige Beauty,
Interstellar Medium,

Jersey Peach, Hay Man
and Hoagie Jones.

All eyes are on the track!

And they're off!

Hay Man takes an early lead,

with Beige Beauty and
Interstellar Medium

hard on his heels.
Cinnamon's Son and Jersey

Peach follow and Hoagie
Jones trails the pack.

Here you go. You got this
boy! You're doing great!

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh! And Hoagie Jones seems
to have entered another gear!

He's picking up speed,
charging forward.

He passes Cinnamon's Son,

now Interstellar Medium!

Hoagie Jones is flying
down the track.

Now overtaking Jersey Peach
and Beige Beauty.

This is a remarkable surge!

Ohh, you doing awesome, boy!
- Hya!

It's neck and neck between
Hoagie Jones and Hay Man!

The crowd is going
wild as these

two contenders battle for
the lead.

What an incredible race we
have on our hands!

Come on, you nitwit!

You know they eat horses like
you in Mongolia?!

Oh wow, Hoagie Jones!
You're so fast!

Keep running, bud!
You got this!

Ha! C'mon! C'mon!
Ha! Ha! Ha!

If you run any slower,
you'd be going backwards,

you, moron!
Hya!

Wait a second--

Oh no, something appears to
be happening with Hay Man!

Hay Man rears up--

and now Hay Man is
turning on him!

Chaos on the track,
as Hay Man starts

beating the jockey
with his hooves!

Ugh! It's over, you loser!

I'm sorry!

Baby, oh, I'm sorry!

Now Hoagie Jones is in sole
position of the lead.

Oh! You're doing great,
Hoagie Jones!

You having fun?

What an unbelievable comeback!

As Hoagie Jones all
but solidifies his vic--

Whoa!

Oh, my God!

Oh, ooh!

Hoagie Jones?

Yo, Mark. Uh, I think your
horse, uh, just blew up.

Ah, damnit! Forgot to
take the cork out.

You alright there, bud?

"Shoe."

Listen, Hank.
I know how you feel.

Just sometimes horses,
they... just explode, you know?

Happens to the best of us.

I guess. Do you think
it's because I, uh

fed him too many apples and
a whole box of Alka-Seltzer...

Nah, no way. No way.
I talked to the, um...

the horse autopsy guy.
He said that, uh...

uh, the horse had
a genetic condition.

Probably should have
exploded long time

ago, but actually beat
the odds because of

how happy he was
in his last few... weeks.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Oh,
absolutely. Big time.

Oh, and I got a
little something for you.

Oh, what's this?



Aw. Thanks, Mark.

How's Hank doing?

Eh, he'll be fine.

Well, I guess once you return
all those fancy suits,

you'll break even on this
whole horse thing?

Pfft! Are you kidding me?

This is the best investment
I ever made.

Ugh. Are you nuts?

Horse insurance, baby!
Let's go!

The cleanup efforts should wrap
up by tomorrow morning,

but authorities warn the smell
of horse effluvia

may linger for the
coming weeks.

In related news,
the rich get richer as a real

estate billionaire made a
whole lot of money at the

A.C. Derby this weekend and
not by betting on the horses.

She just offered me this sad,
crappy painting,

but the frame is what
caught my eye.

It turns out it's 24 karat
gold and hand smithed

by Renaissance-era sculptor
Benvenuto Cellini.

Couldn't believe this lady just

sold it to me for a thousand
bucks! Humhumhum.

Experts say the prized frame

could fetch up to three
million dollars at auction.

Talk about a true hidden gem.

Ooh holy--