02x02 - I Am Jar

[bunniefuu]

Your brain may tell you
that cards can't float,

but what do your eyes say?

Whoa. Awesome!

Yo Mark, you think
he's a real sorcerer?

C'mon dude, magic is even
real, okay? It's just tricks.

Guy's basically a mime
with a ponytail.

Yeah, but it's floatin'.

Hank, it's a simple
optical illusion, okay.

They debunk all this
stuff on YouTube.

- This guy's Bush League-
- Bush League! Wow!

So would the chatty chap like
to volunteer for my next trick?

Eh, might wanna find
a better mark, okay.

I know how all
these tricks work, pal.

Oh, is that so?

Well then... why don't you...
pick a card?

Pfft. Alright, buddy.

Write your name
on it and just place

it between my hands right here.

Uh-huh. Yeah okay, dude.

And now...

Alright, relax. It's in
his sleeve.

Oh, really?

Alright, well then
it's under his uh, ha--

Ach.
The hell, dude?

Ew, c'mon, eugh.

What the hell?!

Welcome... to the Portal.

Try again next time...

Pfft! Yeah, whatever.
Guy's a hack.

♪ Well, I used to work
in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them
robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no
job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand
bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI.

♪ Now we're Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much,
but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal
Basic Guys. ♪

C'mon dude, you can't just
put a foreign object

in someone's mouth without
their consent?

I mean, that's probably
a felony right there.

And the way he was celebratin'?
I mean, act like you've

been there before.

I mean, he did get you
you pretty good there, Mark.

Uh, he did not get me,
Hank, okay!

Also, it's unethical to trick
people, okay?

A magician is essentially
a professional liar,

and if you want to celebrate
that Hank, that's on you.

But I for one, am
not going to take it.

So uh, what are
you gonna do?

Uh, I'm gonna figure out
how he did it,

and then I'm gonna go
to his next show

and expose him as
the fraud that he is.

You think maybe uh, he's...
put it in through the back door?

Pfft. Oh yeah? Think I
wouldn't notice that?

And then what? I just reverse
digested into my mouth?

Maybe it was never in
your mouth at all.

Jinglebells, where the hell'd
you come from?

I've been eavesdropping.
I was walking the dog

and I heard you
talking about magic:

My third biggest passion.

Wait, uh. What are the
first two?

- Sex and law.
- Oh, nice.

Yo David,
let me ask you something.

You happen to know uh, local
magician named Trent Portal?

Trent Portal? Yeah, he's a big
deal down at the Conjurors Club.

He used to haze the crap out of
me when I was a Hat Bunny.

That's the novice level.

So uh, what level are you now?

Snake in a Can.

Alright, so let me ask you,
if the card wasn't in my mouth,

what'd he have it
up his sleeve?

I swear I felt his fingers
on my tongue and everything.

I'm guessing it's some sort
of sleight-of-hand.

But honestly, I'd have
to see it to know for sure.

Alright, dude. I need you coming
with me to his next show.

Ahh, I don't know, Mark...
outing a trick is a huge

violation of the
magician's code...

Buuut he did
relentlessly paddle me

with a magic wand
during Hell Week.

It'd be nice to take him
down a few pegs.

What the hell.
I'm in.

- Andrea!
- Hi, Tammy.

Wow, you got a lot
goin' on here.

Acute carpal tunnel arthritis--

-Phone paws, from work--

-Elective dialysis for your
bi-annual kidney flush--

I don't take bathroom breaks,
real time suck, Tammy.

I have an incredibly
stressful corporate

job that demands all of my time
and is hell on my body.

Rather than deal with
doctor's appointments and

"taking care of my health,"
I just go hard and check myself

into the hospital once a year
to reset the system.

Okay well, that's...
innovative.

I have to say, Tammy,

that was an impressively
smooth IV change.

And your bedside manner
is so mild

as to be non-existent.

You might be the best
nurse I've ever had.

Aw, thanks, Andrea.
That's really nice to hear.

I've been feelin' pretty under-
appreciated at work lately.

Oh, just quit and sue them.

Even if it's meritless,
I guarantee they'll settle.

Eh, not really my style. But it
would be nice to win a NOTY.

- A naughty?
- A nurse of the year award.

They're giving it out
next weekend

at the Medicine Ball,
but ugh, this guy,

Kardgen always frickin' wins.

Whatever, I don't care.
Awards are dumb anyway.

You're just saying that because
you never win.

Well, it's ridiculous. I'm the
best nurse here.

And they always give
it to Kardgen?

- Aw, come on...
- Kardgen? Like with a K?

You type it all five fingers?

Arghhh!
Careful in your carpal tunnel--

I've seen all I need to see.

This guy's clearly playing
the game.

He's got 25,000 followers!

Meanwhile, I'm looking at
your profile, and it's terrible.

How did you--?
Gimme that!

You have zero brand,
let alone brand awareness.

No wonder Kardgen's winning
nursing awards, look at him--

What does that have to do
with being a good nurse?

Online visibility and brand
awareness are wayyy more

important than actually
being good at something.

Huh. I guess I'm a total idiot

to think I'd be recognized for
my skills at my job.

Yes, you are.

If only you had a neighbor
who worked in PR.

Hey, Gorgeous.

Hi, Kardgen.

You didn't answer my
invite for the

pediatric liver failure
awareness flash mob.

Are you coming?
It does affect the costumes.

Uh. No, I can't go,
because I got

put in charge of
all your patients.

Amazing.
Thank you.

You're the best, Tamz.

Yep. He's annoying.
You need to start posting, stat.

Uh, I feel like a baseball
cap would've been

sufficient there,
David.

If Trent recognizes
me, it'll ruin

any chance I have
of being promoted.

Plus, Andrea asked me to break
in her new heels.

It's a win-win.

Enter. The Portal...

Are you ready?

Get on your feet!
Hahaha!

Bring it, Portal.

Whoa! Wow!

Write your name on a card.

Oh, this is it!
Yo, David--

- Yo, what's he doing there?
- Shh.

Reverse palm displacement.

He's flicking it behind
his right wrist--

He's wristing it!
He's wristing it!

- Yo, check behind his wrist!
- Excuse me?

Yeah, the card's behind
your right wrist, pal.

Sorry, but you gotta
do better.

You're getting paid for
this right, guys?

Oh God, are you
the guy from the mall?

Hey, I toldja not to pick me.

You're bested, Portal.

Go on.
Show 'em.

Haha... well... You got me.

Yooo. There it is.
He admits it.

Just a stupid, basic sleight
of hand trick...

God, I'm such a hack.

Hey. Your words, not mine.

God, what was I
thinking?! Idiot! I suck!

Alright, dude. C'mon.
Take it easy.

- It's not a big deal.
- It is a big deal!

I'm a fraud.

I'm-- I'm an amateur.

I don't deserve to stand
on this stage.

I don't deserve any of this.
I don't deserve any of this...

Alright, yo. Let's pump
the brakes here bud,

alright. Just take the L
and move on. C'mon.

I'm sorry-- I'm sorry
for wasting your time.

Trent, don't do
anything stupid, dude.

C'mon.
Oh, my God.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

- Call 9-1-1!
- Hey Siri, call 9-1-1!

Oh, man, dude. I was
just trying to bust his ba*ls-

I didn't think he was
gonna like--

It's not your fault, Mark.
It's not your fault.

He's gone.

Oh, God.
Oh, God, dude.

What'd I do? Dude...

- ...Or is he?
- Wait... what?

Hahaha!

Wait a min-- no...

The only minds being blown
today are yours!

Wow. That's pretty good.

And that, my friends,
is what happens when the Mark

tries to match wits
with the Master.

Okay, Portal.
Okay.

I mean, I dunno, Mark,
that was a pretty good trick.

Yeah well, I'm gonna to
beat it, okay. I got no choice.

I'm in a classic
magician's duel.

Mark, he's a Level Seven
Legendary Master Magician.

It takes years to
perfect those tricks.

Well, that's why I'm
not doing any "tricks."

I'm going full David Blaine,
okay.

That's real magic, like when
he, uh drowns himself or like,

you know, when he
eats those wine glasses

in front of like,
Robert De Niro.

The eating glass thing,
that could actually

be good. How does he do
that one, David?

I think he just
grinds it up in his

teeth until it
becomes like sand.

Oh yeah? Alright.
I'mma try that.

- No-- I wouldn't do that.
- Relax, okay?

I got real strong enamels.

Boom. Magic.

Loosen up your hips, Tam.
You look like a cadaver.

This is so stupid.

Well you're not gonna win that
award by changing bedpans.

C'mon, let's go again.

Five...six...seven...
And left, right, oh...

Oh hey, Jasmine. Just
filming an educational video.

Just wanna let you know that

Albert passed away
early this morning.

Oh my gosh, Albert...

He was one of my patients.

You okay?

It's just... so...
hard sometimes.

You form these bonds
with people

and you're doing everything
you can,

but sometimes it still
isn't enough.

Sorry, Andrea.
I know we can't use that.

- I'll start over.
- Are you kidding?

That was gold.
Raw, emotional.

People eat that stuff up.
I just posted it.

It already has 2,000 views.

You're kidding. How'd
they even watch it that fast?

I'm a hashtagging savant.

Ooh, look at the
number going up!

Mark? What happened?
Are you okay?

Oh, hey uh, Tam. Yeah,
I didn't wanna bug ya.

I'm actually fine. I'm good.

You ate glass?

A little bit, yeah. Little bit.

How'd you accidentally
eat glass?

It was no accident, okay. It was
calculated and well-ex*cuted.

Well, that's half-true.

David? What are you doing here?

I'm helping Mark in
a magician's duel.

David-- shh-- Nah, nah,
it's gonna be a whole thing.

What the hell are you doing
in a magician's duel?

If you wanna do magic, maybe
start with a magic kit?

That's for kids, dude.
I'm not doing that.

The Medicine Ball is coming up
and I don't want you showing up

looking like you were making
out with a lawnmower.

This event is really
important to me.

Relax Tam, I'll be there,
okay.

Oh my God, the Medicine Ball.

Mark, Trent Portal is
performing there.

Wait, get the hell outta here,
you serious?

Why does that name mean
something to you?

Eh. No reason.

Look, I don't know what's
going on

but I got to
go back to work.

Just stop eating glass, okay?

Alright, looks like we
got our venue, okay?

We need to go big.
I'm talking the

craziest magic trick
in the books.

It's gotta be some
kind of ancient,

dark arts trick that's gonna
blow Portal's mind... For real.

Mark, these kinds of tricks...
this is how people end up dead.

Yeah, or looking cool.
Go big or die tryin' David.

So you gonna to help me find
this crazy trick or what?

There is a book...

It holds the shadowy
secrets of yore.

Arcane sorcery,
forbidden magic...

Yo, that's what I'm
talking about, dude.

Where do we
find this thing?

It's not gonna to be easy...

I put it really far
in the back.

Damn, David. What do you got
your whole closet in there?

This is my closet. Andrea's
got all the upstairs ones.

Ugh, I gotta donate some
of these hats--

Ah, here we go--

" Compendium Magié Prohibitae."

Yoo, this is what I'm talking
about. This is classic!

The grimoire of Ignatius
Dunkaroo, Houdini's rival.

- A renowned madman.
- Ooh, not bad, not bad.

Got the creepy stuff going on,
a little mystical action.

Ooh, yo.

What's this one, dude?
This is wild.

Ehh, let's pick another one.
That's way too dangerous.

Nah nah, c'mon.
It's gotta be this one, dude.

Look at that.
I can totally do that.

Mark, this is the trick
that k*lled Dunkeroo.

- Even he couldn't do it.
- Exactly.

That's gonna make me
look even cooler!

No! This is madness.
I'm not gonna support this.

Yo. C'mon, David.

Just imagine we upstage Portal
with a legendary,

never-been-done trick.
When your little magic club gets

wind that you
helped me pull it off,

dude, you're gonna be
in the VIP room

sippin' Absinthe Martinis
with the frickin' Criss Angel.

Ahh... Martini's with the Mind
Freak does sound kinda nice...

- The Jarred Man.
- The Jarred Man.

Hey, do you need any
vag*na hats?

I'm good.

- Loved your video, Tammy.
- I see you, Big T.

- Hey, Tammy. Congratulations.
- For what?

I just saw you were
nominated for a NOTY.

No way! Oh that's
frickin' awesome!

Thank you, sir.
That's great news.

Well deserved. Good luck.

Thanks, Dr. Mishra!

Did you hear that!?
It worked!

- I got nominated!
- Good!

Kardgen is flailing right now.

He posted 8 videos yesterday
and took off his shirt in one.

Very desperate.

Alright, so... I guess
now we just wait?

No, you need to do
one more video.

Really drive things home.
I found the perfect setup...

This family's about to
end life support and

I want you in
there when he goes.

Just feel your feelings,
bare your soul,

then we'll post it.

This is so messed up.

Hi there.
Nurse Tammy Hoagies.

I just wanted to come
by and pay my respects.

Thank you. That means a lot.

It's... moments like this
that make it

hard to be a nurse,
you know--

Damn you, cancer.

I did everything I could
to help him.

Your dad was so strong--

That's my mom.

Oh... I mean...
you know... Um...

And she didn't have cancer.

She was in a sumo suit
at a birthday party,

got bounced out of the ring, and
rolled down a hill into traffic.

- Oh, uh...
- Are you even her nurse?

- Stop filming!
- My hands locked up!

Oh, my god. You're filming this?
Hi, followers!

This b*tch nurse is clout
farming my dying mom,

who she misgendered
and misdiagnosed.

- Oh, it was a mistake.
- Follow! Subscribe!

Oh, please,
it's really not me.

- Don't film me.
- No comments at this time.

Sorry for your loss.
Oh, God.

Hoo. So that was a mess.

Definitely just cost yourself
the award.

Me?
That was your stupid idea!

Ugh, I should have checked
the paperwork.

I don't have time for
a full post-mortem,

but unfortunately, I have
to fire you as my client.

I'm your client?

Oh you were,
but now you're an untouchable

and I have to make a show
of distancing myself from you.

For my brand. You understand.

Alright. Now this is one
of the most

dangerous tricks in the
history of magic.

But if everything goes
absolutely perfect,

there's a very,
very slim chance

we can pull it off.

Uhh...You sure about this Mark?

Uh yes, Hank, okay. The chances
of dying a magic trick are

like one in a billion, okay.

I got a better chance of
being k*lled by a hippo.

First, we're gonna blow
up 200 balloons

and strap 'em to my body.

Alright, here we go.


We are short a balloon.

Yo, Hank. You're not
stealing helium again, are you?

Uh... No.

Once I'm strapped up,
we place a jar on the ground.

And then a funnel goes on top.

Alright. If all goes correctly,
Mark will be like this egg.

Now, the funnel's gotta be
heavily greased up with w--

Yo, does this say whale lard...?

We'll just use
grape seed oil.

Yo, I got whale lard.
You want Humpback or Orca?

Okay. I'm ready.

Remember. Like a smooth egg.

You got this, Mark!
Just like Humpty Dumpty!

No! Not like Humpty Dumpty.

He shattered into a million
pieces and died.

- Oh. I didn't get that far.
- It's like four lines.

Ay, if you die, God forbid.
Can I get the hot tub?

It's irrelevant, Mernft.
Nobody's dying here today.

Alright... Now!

Arghhhh.....!

- Oh boy...
- Oh, he's gonna die.

Ohhhhhhhhh maaaaaan...
Owwwww....

Uhh... I feel like maybe we
shoulda done a card trick.

Oh, I can't believe you, Mark.

Just couldn't help yourself,
huh?

Had to be an
idiot, and now we're

both gonna mess
the Medicine Ball.

You're lucky I'm not
gonna win.

You should go,
Tam. I'll look after him.

You sure?

Yeah. That's what he
would want.

Yo, lemme get
another Chardanucci

on the rocks and
keep 'em coming.

Whoa, there he is!
Man of the hour.

Congrats, Kardgen.
You won again!

Aw, thanks Tammy.

I'm just feeling so
grateful that

my sacrifice is being
recognized, you know?

Ha, hun, and don't kid yourself.

You know I'm a better
nurse than you.

Yes, as evidenced by
all your awards.

Bye. Heheheh.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome the man who's

been called "The Houdini of
South Jersey," Trent Portal!

Enter the Portal.

Woo!

Okay!

Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Now, I need a volunteer...

Oh, my God! Pick me! Pick me!

Alright, alright, you sir,
you sir. With the trophy.

Pick a card...

Oh my God, okay. Heheh.

Write your name on the card...

And place it between my
hands like this.

Eee! Okay.

And now...

It's behind his wrist.

Oh my god!

Whoa! There's a man
in that jar!

What the...?

Oh no. No way.

The Great Mark Hoagies!
Performing the most difficult

trick in the history of magic.
Behold! The Jarred Man!

Oh, wow.

My God. The Jarred Man...

I... Am... Jar!

- Mark!
- Hi Tam.

What the--
You were in the hospital--

- How did you even--
- I... so proud... you...

Now of course, I was
never gonna miss the ball.

I just wanted to
make an entrance.

The rehearsal was just
the first part of the trick.

We knew he would never fit
inside the jar on the first try.

First... he had to be broken.

The others had no idea.
At least not at first,

we feared they'd object
to the endeavor.

But we soon clued them in.

We needed their help
for phase two.

After they cleared Mark of

internal bleeding
and brain damage,

we had to sneak him out
before his bones set.

An empty bed would
arouse suspicion,

so he employed a double.

Getting him into the museum
was the easy part.

Why he's the greatest magician
in the world!

But... how?

He's going into Cardiac Arrest!

Were's my defib?
Defib! C'mon!

Uh... I don't do cardiology....

Don't frickin' die on me,
you idiot!

You frickin' moron,
don't you die!

That was unbelievable.

That was the most disgusting
thing I've ever seen.

Tam... you saved me.

That's why I did the trick here.

Because I knew
you bring me back.

Come here.

Gimme a kiss--

No frickin' way, you're about
to swallow your damn tongue,

hang on--

Ah... C'mon...

Are you sure that's his tongue?

... No...

Is this your card?

Okay, Portal.

Now that was pretty good.

You got me, dude.

You frickin' got me
with that one.

Hey folks.
Pretty serious situation,

It's touch and go right now,
so let's get some prayer

hands in the chat and keep
sending that positive energy.

This man is fighting
for his life.

Kardgen, get that damn camera
outta here,

we're prepping my husband
for surgery!

C'mon, Dr. Mishra,
let me see you work it.

Hahaha.

Kardgen, I'm in the middle
of a procedure.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, woo!

Yo, what's going on here?

You're supposed to be asleep!

Patients awake.
We need more propofol.

Hold on, don't go under.
I wanna do the dance first.

- Okay, move me over there.
- Absolutely not!

C'mon, wag my arms...

Oh, come on. Ugh. Agh.
Oh, uh, get a little help here.

Oh, there she is.
Looking beautiful.

Yo, help me up so I can
dance, hun.