[ Slow Middle Eastern music
plays ]
[ lndistinct conversations,
laughter ]
Where is my bride?
[ Wind whistling,
chimes tinkling ]
My wedding dress.
Quickly, put it on.
Soon you'll live your life
in jewels and not chains.
[ Woman chanting ]
Come, child.
Your groom awaits you.
[ Rock music plays ]
ALL: Honeybees,
all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo! Honeybees,
all right, all right!
Honeybees, all right!
Whoo!
ALL: Go...
Honeybees!
[ All cheering ]
You ready, Hildenburg?
Yes.
Great.
I have one question.
Why am I dressed like
one of the Fenmore Foxes?
Aren't they our hated
crosstown rivals?
Yes...but...
this year's theme is unity...
for all cheerleaders.
Oh.
Have fun.
[ Jeering and catcalling ]
CHEERLEADERS:
Wipe out the Foxes!
Ugh!
[ Crowd cheering ]
BOTH:
Boys are cheats and liars.
They're such a big disgrace.
They will tell you anything
to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,
then you are a...
Hor...ticulture studies
flowers --
[ Laughter ]
Oh, no, she didn't.
Oh, yes, she did.
Girlfriend's booty be
all wrapped up in licious.
All wrapped up.
You're pretty dope and phat
yourselves.
Ling-Ling!
You forgot lunch, baby pie!
Chicken with fried vegetable,
bulgogi, and Kimchi.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay. You all learn
real good now.
- Ling-Ling?
- Ling-Ling?
Can somebody answer the phone?
Oh, dang, that's messed up.
[ Both laugh ]
Out of all the Korean
liquor stores,
why did my dad have to
walk into that one?
I'm returning your papers
on the Salem Witch Trials.
I'm sad to report that Eden,
here, got the only "A."
Well, that's not fair.
I mean, she was the only one
who was actually there.
[ Laughter ]
[ Giggles ]
[ Speaks angrily
in foreign language ]
[ Giggles ]
Vice-Principal Bernard.
Oh, Miss Spencer,
wonderful job this morning.
You certainly know
how to whip up a crowd.
As pretty as you are, I bet
you really whipped them up
back when you were
cheerleading captain, hmm?
Me? Oh, no, no, no.
I was much more of a band
chick, actually -- tuba --
Iead tuba -- honor band.
Well, then you wouldn't mind
writing us some passes
so we could, uh,
practice some new moves?
Oh, Jessica,
l-l-I don't know about that.
You know, that trophy
is gonna look so good
in your office.
Oh...
All right.
[ Chuckles ]
# That's what girls do #
# They keep you guessing
the whole day through #
[ All cheering ]
# Play your emotions,
push all your buttons #
# It's true #
# That's what girls do #
# That's what we do #
[ Giggling ]
Whoo!
# You ask me why I gotta play
so hard to get #
Ohh! Ugh! Oh!
# You ask me do I play it cool
just to make you sweat #
Mmm!
That's really good.
Um...
how much do I owe you?
It's okay.
It's on the house.
[ Smacks lips ]
Really?!
Thanks.
#...through to you-u-u-u-u #
- # That's what girls do #
- [ Girls giggling ]
# They keep you guessing... #
Who's gonna pay for that,
as*h*le?
You are not gonna make it
in this business.
[ Gasps ]
You total binger!
April, this is gonna go
straight to your a*s.
"ltchbay" alert.
Bianca.
[ Sighs ]
Jessica, you look great!
Are you doing something
different
or just hanging out
with skankier friends?
[ Laughter ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
Wow, Bianca,
you look really good, too.
Um...are you eating less
or just barfing more?
[ Laughter ]
Barfing more.
Good luck
at the cheer competition.
Yeah.
You too.
[ Chuckles softly ]
Hmm...
[ Alarm ringing ]
[ All laughing ]
Bye-bye.
Agh!
ALL: Oh!
Let's go, Winona.
[ lndistinct conversation,
giggling ]
APRlL:
Jess, what are you doing?
Hang on a sec.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
Whoa.
This is kind of cool.
[ Foreign accent ]
Can I help you ladies?
Oh, yeah. What is this?
Oh, yeah, I like that, too.
It's actually a Senegalese lute
carved from deerwood,
used for fertility rituals
and...
- Sure. Yeah.
- Cool.
Oh, and you can put
your weed in there.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
Check this out.
Oh, yeah. That's beautiful.
It's actually a model
of the prison on Robben lsland
where Nelson Mandela
was held 27 years.
- Oh.
- Oh.
And before the collapse
of apartheid, of course.
Yeah, he came out
pretty hate-free, though,
you know, ready to heal --
went on to become
the president of South Africa
after that -- after they freed
him, of course, sure.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
A lot of people
don't realize this,
but you can put
your weed in there.
- Oh. [ Chuckles ]
- [ Chuckles ]
This is great. Sure.
Well, if you have
any more questions,
I'll be in the back
sleeping, so...
Great.
Okay. Thanks.
Oh, actually,
this is the back. Sorry.
- Oh.
- Oh.
This stuff makes me feel so
proud to be African-American.
Ling-Ling!
You walk right by Crazy Nail,
no say "hi" me.
Hi, Mom.
Bye, girls!
Fake pearls!
[ Girls giggling ]
[ Up-tempo drum music plays ]
[ Music swells ]
[ Wind whistling,
chimes tinkling ]
[ Foreign accent ]
Stop banging those drums!
I'm sorry.
I didn't even know
you could hear that.
Oh, my God.
Look at those earrings.
I'd be the envy
of every girl at prom.
[ Gasps ]
Not like that was
in jeopardy or anything.
[ Girls laugh ]
Um, excuse me.
How much are these?
Not for sale.
That's a genuine artifact.
Oh.
No!
No!
Okay, I'm all set.
Is that all you got -- $18?!
It's a gas station.
Everybody pays with
credit cards nowadays.
Help yourself to some nachos.
[ All giggling ]
[ Bell dings ]
Hey, that's for
Doug Flutie's kids!
- Aah!
- [ Bell dings ]
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
- Aah!
- Aah!
[ Laughter ]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
[ Bell dings ]
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
- [ Tires squeal ]
- I'm in here!
- [ Bell dings ]
- Help!
Whoo!
[ Tires squeal, bell dings ]
[ Horn honks ]
Agh!
Agh!
[ Girls giggling ]
You look really good.
[ Laughs ]
Really good.
Um, excuse me...
[ Gasping ]
The gas cap's on that side.
Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm sorry.
[ Girls laugh ]
Uh, hello...
full service.
And, um, could you,
like, check the oil
and all that other junk
under the hood?
Like his job is that hard.
[ All laugh ]
Minimum wage
for a maximum loser.
Oh, good one.
Hey...check this out.
[ Horn honks ]
Ow!
[ All laughing ]
[ Grunting ]
Sorry. Accident.
You're so bad!
- [ Laughter ]
- I'm okay.
It's okay. I'm okay.
Hey, how much you bet
I can get him again?
[ Horn honks ]
- [ Grunts ]
- [ All laughing ]
Oh. Uhh.
- [ Sizzling ]
- Ow! Oh!
[ All giggling ]
Oops.
- [ Bell dings, horn honks ]
- Whoo!
# It's the summer, the summer #
# Yo, my cats are trippin',
it's the summer #
# I'll get my swerve on,
fight evil villains gone #
# So come on now #
# I've been locked in a room
not waiting for long #
# And to tell you the truth #
# I don't even want to
sing this song #
# The sun is up, that's what
my crew is all about... #
I'm so pretty.
Booger.
[ Giggling ]
Booger! [ Sighs ]
I told you not to
go through my stuff.
What are you doing
wearing my bra?!
I'm not wearing your bra.
I was simply holding it
against myself.
Get out of my room,
you little turd!
Wait a minute.
What happened to you?
Nothing.
[ Gasps ]
Did that Cavanaugh kid
do this to you?
[ Sighs ]
All right. Come here.
He is such a punk.
You know, one of these days,
he's gonna get it.
There you go.
Better.
Is that my lipstick?!
[ Smooches ]
[ Scoffs ]
Ohhhhh!
[ Horn honks ]
[ lntroduction to Butch Walker's
"Take Tomorrow" plays ]
# Give me all your fear #
# Throw it all away #
# And think about
the good things #
# No matter what they say #
# We'll take tomorrow, baby #
# Yeah #
# One day at a time #
Hey.
Hi.
[ Sighs softly ]
[ Sighs ]
Oh, Jess,
when you do that...
my whole leg tingles
and shakes.
Really?
Well, what happens
if I kiss you...
there?
[ Grunts ]
[ Laughs ]
You have to come snowboarding
with me this weekend.
Oh, silly Billy nilly,
I told you I'm not
having sex with you.
No.
We could sip hot chocolate
and play Scrabble
with my little brother.
[ Laughs ]
You call it whatever you want.
I'm still not having sex
with you.
[ Sighs ]
Billy...
Iook...
you know how important
this is to me.
And when that
special moment happens,
I just...I want it
to be perfect.
I would never dream
of rushing you.
[ Gasps ]
Thank you, Billy.
Oh...
If you change your mind,
we could drive up together.
I'll wait behind for you.
[ Laughs ]
Front...behind...
I'm still not doing it.
Good night, Billy.
[ Sighs ]
[ B.T. Express' "Do lt
['Til You're Satisfied]" plays ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
Oh, your life is like
a fairytale.
You and Billy are, like,
totally Disney.
You know, it's scary sometimes.
I just...
I don't know what I'd do
if things weren't
so...perfect.
I'm so glad
you're my best friend.
- # Oooh #
- [ Chuckles ]
# Go on and do it #
- # Do it #
- [ Laughing ]
# Do it 'til you're satisfied #
# Whatever it is #
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay. Good night.
Bye.
[ Beep ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Wind whistling,
chimes tinkling ]
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
[ Exhaling deeply ]
[ Sighs ]
[ Urinating ]
Aaaaaaah!
[ Gasping, whimpering ]
Aaaaaaaah!
Aah!
[ Thud ]
[ Gasps ]
Aah! Aah!
- Aah!
- [ Knock on door ]
Jessica, honey,
is everything all right?
[ High-pitched ]
Yes, Mother.
It's just a spider.
A really big,
disgusting spider.
[ Whimpering ]
[ Dial tone ]
[ Dialing ]
Hi. It's April.
Leave me a message.
This isn't happening.
This isn't happening!
[ Panting, muttering ]
Oh, it's sick!
Sick!
Oh! Oh!
[ Panting ]
Oh!
Ow! Oh!
Ow! Ow! Ooh!
[ Dog barks ]
[ Gasps ]
Hey, Dad! Can I have
this cake for breakfast?
[ Deep voice ] Uh, yeah.
Whatever. Go for it.
Booger, what the hell
are you doing
eating my boss's cake?
I-I thought you just said
I could eat it.
- [ Snorts ]
- [ Car alarm beeping ]
[ Beeping stops ]
[ B.T. Express' "Do lt
['Til You're Satisfied]" plays ]
Ooh-ah.
God...
Where's my...?!
[ Bell rings ]
[ Cellular phone ringing ]
Hello?
[ Deep voice ] April,
it's me -- Jessica.
I need you to meet me right
after class out by the track.
Is this really Jessica?
Yes!
Oh, my God,
are you getting a cold?
The competition's only
a week away.
We may have bigger problems.
JESSlCA: [ High-pitched ]
April...
April...
[ Deep, gruff voice ] April!
Agh!
Ah!
Whoa! [ Gasps ]
Ugh!
You stay away from me!
I have pepper spray
on my key chain!
[ High-pitched ] April,
I need you so bad right now.
You have no idea.
How do you know my name?
It's me...
Jessica!
[ Crying ] I'm in here.
[ Whining ]
What did you do with her?
I don't know what happened.
[ Breathing heavily ]
I woke up this morning...
Iike this.
Aah!
[ Gasping ]
And what did I tell you
about these things?!
They go straight to your a*s!
People are gonna be
looking for me!
- You gotta believe me!
- I'm warning you!
- Please, I'm Jessica!
- Aah!
- Aah! Aaah!
- Aaaaaaah!
Agh! Agh! Ohh!
Aaah! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Ugh! Ohh!
[ Breathing heavily ]
[ Groaning ]
Aah! Ohh!
Ugh! Oh! Aah!
Aah! Agh! Oh! Ugh!
Agh! Ohh!
[ Crying ] Oh, my God!
I think I broke a rib!
My eyes burn!
I can't breathe!
This morning,
I woke up a man!
This is by far
the worst day of my life!
[ Panting ]
April!
Do you remember
in second grade
[ Sniffles ] when you moved here
from Arkansas?
Everybody threw rocks
at you...
because you talked funny
and your front two teeth
were brown!
[ Gasps ]
I was your only friend.
I gave you that locket
around your neck
when your grandmother
was sick.
And you said...
you said...
We'd be bestest friends
forever.
[ Coughs, sniffles ]
[ Gasps ]
Boys are cheats and liars.
They're such a big disgrace.
TOGETHER: They will tell you
anything to get to second...
Baseball, baseball,
he thinks he's gonna score.
If you let him go all the way,
then you are a...
Hor...ticulture studies flowers.
Geologist studies rocks.
The only thing
a guy wants from you
is place to put his...
c*ck...roaches, beetles,
butterflies, and bugs.
Nothing makes him happier
than a giant pair of...
Jug...glers and acrobats,
a dancing bear named Chuck.
All guys really want to do is --
forget it, no such luck.
[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
[ Gasps ]
How did this happen?
[ Whines ]
I don't know what to do.
Okay, okay.
[ Bell rings ]
[ Sighs ]
Here.
Go to my house
and wait for me in my room.
Don't worry. We're gonna
figure this thing out.
Here.
[ Groans softly ]
You are my bestest,
bestest friend.
[ Sniffles ]
Ow! Ow!
Ow.
Watch the beard.
Sorry.
[ Roxy Saint's "Firecracker"
plays ]
Oh!
# So, come on, baby, listen #
# With 20/20 vision #
# I knock out competition #
Hi.
[ Coughs ]
Okay, so, listen,
she bought it.
I told your mom
you're going on that ski trip,
and that'll at least
buy us the weekend.
You think I'll be stuck
like this all weekend?!
[ Cries ]
[ Buzzes ]
Ow!
Aah!
[ Grunting ]
Oh!
Gross.
[ Buzzing ]
Agh!
I've got hair everywhere --
in my nose, in my ears,
on my chin.
I'm afraid to look
anywhere else.
[ Shudders ]
It's like I'm an ad for hair.
Okay, well, listen,
maybe this will help.
Okay.
Ahh...
Yeah.
Okay. Against the grain.
- Okay, ready?
- Mm-hmm.
Hold still.
- [ Rip ]
- Aaah!
Grrrah! Agh!
Ow.
Uh...
Ow.
So...
[ Grunts ]
So, uh...
What?
Do you really have a p*nis?
April!
Can I see it?
What is the matter with you?!
I don't think you get the
gravity of the situation here.
You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Can I see it?
W-- what is your problem?
What?
It's not every day that
your best friend grows a p*nis.
Do you want to see it?
Okay, fine --
if it'll shut you up.
[ Laughs ]
[ Mutters ]
Nice.
Nice.
I mean, you know...
I've only seen a couple,
but that's definitely top 5.
How many have you seen?
Five.
Not including
my little brother's.
[ Laughs ]
You little tr*mp!
Aah!
[ Laughing ] Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aaah!
Aah! Aah!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, motherfuck! Oh!
Stan...
I am beginning to worry
about April.
She has been acting
rather strange.
- Is it drugs?
- No, no.
I...I think it's
her hormonal development.
She just ate six peanut-butter-
and-jelly sandwiches
and an entire carton
of ice cream.
And what do you make
of this, hmm?
It's April's soap.
Well?
What do you think?
I think you need more things
to fill out your day.
Okay?
Are we done?
[ Laughs ]
[ Cellular phone rings ]
[ Beep ]
Hello?
[ Jessica crying in deep voice ]
All right, who is this?
I should have made love to you
when I had the chance.
Ohhh...
Father Mulcahy?
[ Beep ]
[ Children shouting playfully ]
[ Gasps ]
[ High-pitched ]
Tell me I'm beautiful.
On the inside.
Look, uh...
Jessica has a problem.
She's only gonna make us
wait an hour this time?
What about the class trip
to Six Flags?
She took so long in the
bathroom, we all missed the bus.
Our parents had to drive
three hours to pick us up.
I had my period, okay?!
[ All gasp ]
[ All laughing ]
Okay, now that everybody's
up to speed,
can we start thinking about
how I can get my life back?
Um, that's definitely gonna cost
you a few votes for prom queen.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Okay.
Come on, you guys, let's get
serious. Stop dicking around.
[ Laughter ]
Guys!
I've got cheerleading
competition, the prom.
None of my clothes fit.
I think I'm going bald.
And how am I gonna go
to school?
She's right.
Okay...
Iet's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Gasps ] Maybe it wasn't
an accident.
It's gotta be one of the people
who hates Jessica that did this.
Yeah.
What are you talking about?
People don't hate me.
[ Exhales deeply ]
You see, Jess...
because you are
so beautiful and perfect...
Uh-huh?
...certain people
might misconstrue
some of the mean and hurtful
things you say and do to them.
Although the things
you say are funny...
[ Laughs ]
...people tend to focus more
on their own
public humiliation and shame.
So you're saying...
people think...
I'm perfect?
Let's make a list of all
the people who hate Jessica.
You know what would be
a shorter list?
All the people
who don't hate Jessica.
[ Laughter ]
You b*tch!
[ All screaming and laughing ]
[ Screaming and laughter
continue in distance ]
Easy on the coffee.
[ All laughing ]
Ha ha ha ha!
h* h* h*!
- Ugh!
- Ohh!
[ Chuckles ]
Ugh!
[ Gasps ]
- Ugh!
- Aah!
Ha ha ha!
Aah!
Ha ha ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[ Gasps ]
- Ugh!
- Agh!
[ Laughing ]
[ Gulps ]
Huh?
Oh, hi.
Good morning.
[ Groans ]
Did you sleep well?
Mmm. Surprisingly, yes.
You have any...
special dreams?
Not particularly.
Hmm.
You sure?
Why?
Oh, my God, my first b*ner!
[ Giggles ]
[ Brakes squeal ]
- RlCHlE: There you are!
- Ah!
You're the gardener
from the service, right?
[ Mexican accent ] si.
Damn lawn's a mess.
It's my daughter's
responsibility to look after it,
but you know teenage girls.
si, si.
"Teenageros."
Sorry. Richie Spencer.
Ah, um...
Taquito.
Oh, Taquito.
There's the mower.
There's your bag
of fertilizer.
- Oh, h*! [ Gasping ]
- I'll let you get to it.
[ Salsa music plays ]
Damn, I love the smell
of fresh-cut grass.
[ Air hisses ]
Gracias, but...I'm not sure
I'm old enough, señor.
[ Laughing ] Yeah, right.
What is the drinking age
in Mexico -- 40?
Come on, take a load off.
You can finish in a minute.
[ Sighs ]
Hope you don't mind
the light beer.
I had to cut back
on account of the bloating.
Know what I mean?
I also had to give up the spicy
food on account of my as*h*le.
[ Farts ]
Ah!
We're amongst men, aren't we?
[ Breathes deeply ]
"Stinko de mayo."
You like that car?
That's my daughter's.
Pretty nice, huh?
It would have looked
even better in red.
That's what my daughter said.
We used to go out back on
Sundays and toss a few baskets,
sh**t the sh*t.
But she's got her own stuff
going on now.
Who could blame her?
Whole family's falling apart.
What?
Things with the wife --
forget about it.
I mean,
we sleep in the same bed.
Might as well be
separate countries.
That is, like, so sad.
Ay-yi-yi!
Ay-yi...yi.
I tried everything.
Nothing worked.
I even got out the razor and
gave myself a porn-star trim.
Wanna see? Check it out.
Aah!
Boy, she used to be wild.
The sex was great.
We'd be going at it,
and she could still find a way
to twist around
and kiss me on the mouth.
señor, information too mucho.
Emotional "scarro" --
disgusting.
It's good talking to you,
Taquito.
Oh!
[ Jimmy Eat World's
"Authority Song" plays ]
# It's how the hustle goes #
# See what the jukebox knows #
# Put my last quarter on #
# I play "Authority Song" #
# Honesty or mystery? #
# Tell me,
I'm not scared anymore #
# Aha, aha #
# I got no secret purpose #
# I don't seem obvious, do l? #
Hey, Jessica! Jessica!
Come here!
[ Panting ]
We've got a suspect.
Oh, yes!
Come on.
Something smells
like dog pooh.
I think
I'm sitting next to it.
- Ew!
- [ Laughter ]
APRlL: Come on, Hildenburg,
don't play dumb.
You hate Jessica, you're good
at this science crap.
Now, just confess
and give us the antidote.
April,
it's physically impossible
for a woman to transform
into a man overnight.
So you're saying that you
had nothing to do with this.
Look...
Iet's just pretend this was
an alternate universe
where I actually
believed you.
Why would I want to help
Jessica out, anyway?
[ Scoffs, sniffs ]
Jessica!
[ Sighs ]
Hildenburg...[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry
that I humiliated you
in front of
the entire school...
and the visiting 8th-graders.
[ Voice breaking ] But you
have no idea what it's like
to wake up every morning
and have to shave your chin.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Snorting ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Voice breaking ]
Yes, I do.
[ Sobs ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
Who's next on the list?
[ Laughs ] Whoa.
Well, it is cold in here.
[ Laughs ]
So you never put a hex on me?
Oh, I put plenty
of hexes on you --
to give you dandruff,
make your hair fall out,
make one of your boobs
bigger than the other.
[ Laughing ] Oh, I think
you got me with that one.
Heh hee hee! Ah hee hee!
[ Light laughter ]
There's some powerful
cult magic at work here...
Iike an ancient spell...
or voodoo...
or Santeria.
What's Santeria?
It's a Latin-based form
of witchcraft.
It originated in Africa
and then eventually
made its way to Cuba and Brazil.
Bianca!
I knew it.
Most of its rituals
involve a chicken.
That sounds delicious.
I mean, interesting.
EDEN:
There's a way to tell.
A true practitioner
of Santeria
bears the mark of the scorpion
tattooed on their back.
Bianca's always hanging out
at that dance club --
lnstant Tang.
Yeah, tonight's ladies' night,
and we all get in for free!
[ All cheering ]
[ Cheering stops ]
Well, most of us.
Trust me --
Trust me --
you'll never get Bianca to dance
with you looking like this.
# Oh, yeah, you're pretty
good-looking for a girl #
- [ Girls gasping ]
- # But your back is so broken #
# And this feeling's
still gonna linger on #
- No...
- No...
- [ Girls gasping ]
- # Until the year 2525 now #
# Yeah, you're pretty
good-looking for a girl #
- [ Gasps ]
- # Your eyes are wide open #
Ugh! What is that?
# And your thoughts have been
stolen by the boys #
ALL: No...
# Who took you out and bought
you everything you want, now #
# Yeah, you're pretty
good-looking, oh, yeah #
[ Girls screaming ]
# You're pretty good-looking,
oh, yeah #
# For a girl #
What?
Nothing. [ Giggles ]
You just look good.
[ Chuckles ]
Really?
Yeah.
[ Both giggle ]
Okay. Thanks.
[ Laughs ]
No, she's not gonna...
No, he --
she's not gonna do it.
Yes, she is.
Mmm...
Mmm, mmm...
[ Smacks lips ]
Mmm...
[ Slurping ]
Wow!
That is so good.
T-That's $8.95.
What?
Aren't you just gonna take it
out of your tip jar?
Aah!
- [ Choking ] $8.95?
- Yeah.
I got that.
[ Rock music plays,
indistinct conversations ]
# When I rock like this #
# Rock like this,
rock like this #
# When I rock like this #
# When I rock like this,
it's rhythm #
# When I rock like this #
# Rock like this,
rock like this #
# When I rock like this #
# When I rock like this,
it's rhythm #
I'll take
two banana daiquiris,
one mango, a sloe-gin fizz,
one slippery nipple,
and for me,
a screaming orgasm on the beach
with extra sugar on the rim.
Yum!
[ Deep voice ] Uh...better
make that last one a brewski.
# When I rock like this #
# Rock like this #
Double brewski.
[ Lyric's "Young & Sexy" plays ]
# Young, sexy #
[ High-pitched ]
They didn't even card me.
It's just like Cabo.
[ Laughter ]
# You know
I'll change for you #
# With your black Durag #
How does a butt plug like that
get all those hot chicks?
I got dibs on the dots.
#...got plans for you #
God damn!
Ooh, he's cute.
Check out the sweet buns
on that guy.
I'd like to get
my hands on those and...
[ Deep voice ] wish
they were women's breasts
and...squeeze the hell
out of 'em.
Maybe put a steak on 'em...
'cause I'm a guy.
That's what guys like me
like to do.
But I don't need
to tell you that.
[ lnhales sharply ]
Bianca.
# Yeah #
# Ohh #
I'll show her.
This is my song.
# Ohh #
Remember,
the scorpion on her back.
I'll find it.
# 24 a day, 7 days a week #
# Now, when you're driving
in your 4x4 #
# And you turn this up
on your stereo #
# Whether night or day,
nonstop, you'll play #
# And you know
you still want more #
# So find a honey
that's standing on the wall #
# All the girls
get the guys on the floor #
Ah!
# From the front to the back,
let's go #
# Hear this #
Ew!
# Somebody hit the lights #
# So we can rock it
day and night #
APRlL: The tattoo!
I don't see it!
# From a.m. to p.m. #
# Everybody lookin' like stars #
# All the chicks and the fellas
in the bars #
# All of y'all bumpin' this
in your cars #
Right hand, red.
Ooh...Ieft hand, blue.
Ooh!
Huh! Ha!
Aaaaaah!
# Yeah #
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ lntroduction to Mystikal's
"Shake It Fast" plays ]
[ All cheering ]
# Shake it fast,
watch yourself #
# Shake it fast, show me
what you're working with #
# Shake it fast,
watch yourself #
# Shake it fast, show me
what you're working with #
# Shake it fast,
watch yourself #
# Shake it fast, show me
what you're working with #
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ]
It's definitely not her.
Don't worry.
We'll figure this out.
You're a great dancer.
You're just noticing that now?
[ Laughter ]
I gotta hit
the little girls' room
before I soak my panties.
[ Slurping ]
Um...
[ Deep voice ]
By that, I mean...
my girlfriend's panties...
which I carry with me...
to pee in...
if I don't make it in time...
to the bathroom.
What?
You don't pee in your
girlfriend's panties?
What kind of g*y club
is this?
Hey, everybody,
check out this guy --
not peeing in his
chick's panties.
[ High-pitched ]
Excuse me...
do you have to be
in here for this?
Well, it's part of
my job description,
but if you're one
of those shy guys,
you try that stall there.
[ Fart ]
Uh...there's someone
in there.
And they're gonna be in there
for a long time, too.
I told him to stay away
from the calamari.
[ Farting continues ]
Some folks think they can eat
anything that crawls.
Would you mind?
[ Sighs ]
Ooh! Ah!
Ooh, hoo!
[ Gasping ]
Excuse me?
Why is there ice in there?
Ooh!
I wouldn't have done that.
[ Door hinges squeak ]
Oh!
[ Urinating ]
You're good at that.
You make it look so easy.
Why don't you just
take a picture?
[ Sighs ] All right.
Here goes.
Disgusting! Wrinkly! Gross!
Ew!
- [ Urinating ]
- Oh!
Oh! I've never
done this before.
It's going all over.
It's always good
to aim at something,
Iike that cigarette there...
or the big mint.
It's going everywhere!
You got to hold on to it.
Not too tight, but enough to
let it know you're the boss.
[ Breathing heavily ]
Oh!
See that fly?
Aim for it.
That's -- that's helping.
That's it.
Remember, if you shake it
more than twice,
you're playing with it.
[ Belt buckle jingles ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
I don't know how I could
ever thank you.
[ Dance music plays,
indistinct conversations ]
Hi!
Hi!
That was an experience.
Here's your drink.
Is there any ice in here?
No.
Thank God!
Hey...aren't you that chick
who's having sex
with that college guy?
No!
Wanna be?
[ Laughter ]
She's not interested, okay?
So why don't you just back off?
Okay, Grandpa.
What are you, their pimp,
and these are your skank hoes?
[ Both gasping ]
You and me, right now --
let's go.
Where we going?
[ Moans ]
- Aah!
- No!
[ lndistinct conversations
continue, rock music plays ]
Jess!
[ Knuckles cracking ]
- Come on, Jess. Come on!
- You can do it.
What do you got, geezer?
Come on!
[ lndistinct shouting ]
You can do it! Come on!
Show me what you got!
Come on!
[ Air whistling ]
What the...
What's he doing?
Some kind of Tae-q*eer-Do.
[ Girls screaming ]
That's it!
ALL: Oh!
No! Aaah!
Ohh!
ALL: Ohh!
Ohh!
Ohh!
[ lndistinct shouting
continues ]
Aah!
Ohh!
Ha ha!
Yeah!
Yeah!
Jess!
Oh!
- Ooh, yeah!
- Yeah!
[ Guys cheering ]
That really does hurt.
Thanks for sticking up for me.
Now go kick some a*s.
[ Rock music continues ]
Aah! Oh!
[ lndistinct shouting
continues ]
Ohhh!
Ohhh!
[ Rip ]
Aah!
Oh!
You think you're so cool 'cause
you can pee with your p*nis.
Get a new conditioner.
Your ends are totally split.
[ Whimpers ]
[ All laughing ]
You rock!
April, I don't know.
Oh, come on. This is the only
way you can be in school.
[ lnhales sharply ]
Here comes Jake.
- Hi!
- Hey, baby.
[ Giggles ]
So, skiing sucked.
I mean, you didn't miss a thing.
It was all mushed out.
Oh...
[ Giggles ]
What's with the scarf?
It's kinda chilly in here.
[ Shivers ]
[ Clears throat ]
[ Gasps ]
Ski rash.
So, I'm gonna --
[ Clears throat ]
I better -- I'm gonna
go to class, so...all right.
[ Laughs ]
April, I am so sorry.
[ Voice breaking ] He didn't
even ask me to the prom.
Jake and I are so over.
Okay...[ Chuckles ]
Now, you get in there.
[ lnhales sharply ]
And remember --
your name is Spence.
I must tell you...Spence,
uh, there are applicants
who actually have
prior janitorial experience.
Your hair --
it has such bounce.
Oh, it's this new cream ri--
Um, anyway,
a-as I was saying,
you haven't really
provided me with --
Look, uh...
[ Exhales sharply ]
Uh, I'll be honest with you.
I'm a struggling musician.
Ever since my days
playing the tuba
in the high-school
marching band --
Y-You -- you --
you play the tuba?
Yes...
in the honor band.
Oh!
[ lmitating tuba ]
[ Laughs ]
Well, Spence, I'd be going
out on a limb here, but --
You won't regret it, I promise.
Thank you, Miss Bernard.
Thank you.
[ Laughing ]
Please, call me Marjorie.
[ Deep voice ] Marjorie.
Now, if you'll just fill out
the security portion here
of the form...
[ High-pitched ] All right.
[ Laughing ]
Billy...
Aah!
We need to talk.
About what?!
I called you
on your ski trip to --
That was you?!
Yeah.
Oh, God!
I can explain.
- Billy, wait!
- [ Door closes ]
[ Rock music plays ]
[ Panting ]
I gotta do what?
- [ Salsa music plays ]
- [ Barking ]
# Boom de rico mambo #
Hi, there. I miss you.
Hi, Sam.
[ Barks ]
Hey, Taquito, think fast.
Oh!
[ Mexican accent ]
You got me, señor.
Taquito, pick up that ball.
You and me are gonna
sh**t some hoops.
# Boom de rico mambo #
Gotcha!
Back to Tijuana!
[ Laughs ]
[ Basketball bouncing ]
# Este rico mambo #
Oh!
Oh!
[ Groans painfully ]
Let me make you feel
a little bit more at home.
Go-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-al!
# Huh #
How are things
with the missus, señor?
Eh, still not getting any.
[ Sighs ]
When was the last time
you kissed her?
You mean, kiss her,
or kiss her kiss her?
[ Laughs ]
Eugggh!
señor, sometimes when
a woman is ignoring you,
that's when
she wants you the most.
She's only waiting for you
to open up her passion,
which is like a waterfall
waiting to explode.
You must get a lot
of enchilada, Taquito.
Come on, bring it!
Tres points, señor.
Lucky shot.
Ah!
My outs again, señor.
[ Net swishes ]
Oh!
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
How did you know I don't
move so well to my right?
CAROL: Booger?
Oh, have you seen your sister?
I feel like I haven't
talked to her in days.
She was here a minute ago.
You just missed her.
Oh.
Good game.
[ Sighs ]
[ High-pitched ]
señor Richie?
I need to tell you
something...
[ Voice breaking ]
but I can't.
What do you got
going on, Taquito?
I'm not really a gardener.
I agree with that.
The roses look like sh*t.
[ Sniffles ]
I'm sorry.
Come on, now,
easy there, big fella.
They're just roses.
[ Chuckles ]
I want to tell you...
I think you're the greatest dad
in the world.
Any kid would be lucky
to have you as their father.
[ Sniffles ]
Thanks, Taquito.
[ Sobbing ]
I'd hate to see you
after you lose a game.
EDEN: Okay, did you eat
any wolfsbane?
Uh, no.
Any sex with a leprechaun?
Not recently.
[ Beeps ]
Oh, my God.
You know, they should come
with a warning --
"earrings may come
with p*nis."
[ Foreign accent ]
This be some serious sh*t.
Those belonged
to Princess Nawa.
There's a myth
of her using the earrings
to escape a bad marriage.
[ Up-tempo drum music playing ]
But she didn't know
that she had to bring
the earrings back together,
and she lived out her life
as a sl*ve girl.
Now, it appears that
this myth is anything but.
[ Music swells ]
[ Sighs ]
Would you stop
with the damn drumming?
Oh, I'm sorry.
I...just was really
getting into your story.
You've got to find
that other earring
and unite them
before the full moon end.
[ lntroduction
to Custom's "Mess" plays ]
# I'm a messed-up kid #
# With a messed-up head #
# Driving this wreck
of a life #
I got you, babe.
Don't worry about it.
# 'Cause my messed-up parents #
- [ Tapping on window ]
- Hey, Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling!
Ling-Ling, look!
Look, I help! I help you!
# They're all a mess
just like me #
# If you put us all together #
# It gets really ugly #
[ Cheering ]
# I'm a mess #
# I'm a mess #
[ lndistinct shouting ]
Hey, Billy.
Oh!
Yeah!
Is he okay?
Whoo!
[ Water running ]
JAKE:
What's the matter, man?
You afraid the janitor's
gonna see your dingdong?
[ Chuckles ]
So, what's up
with you and the prom queen?
I don't know.
[ Sighs ]
I thought everything was fine,
but I guess I was wrong.
See, that's why
you gotta have a spare, man.
That's what April is.
She's my spare.
Spare?
Yeah, she's my backup.
I mean, she was a fun ride --
no doubt about this --
but she is
a previously owned vehicle.
I'm into that new-car smell.
JESSlCA: You as*h*le!
W-Whoever left these
towels over here...
is an as*h*le.
Now, this new chick I got --
[ Whistles ]
dude, she is gonna be
the hottest chick at the prom.
I bet one of her
little hottie friends
would love to go out
with the quarterback.
- Oh, I don't know, man.
- Come on, man.
Maybe this one will put out,
unlike that cold fish, Jessica.
You go to hell!
Whoever left
these showers on...
go to...hell.
Hey...
Jessica's anything
but a cold fish, all right?
She's the most amazing girl
in the whole world.
Dude, you've never even
been out of California.
I don't care.
I love her.
I mean, I know she thinks
I only want to have
sex with her,
but that's not
what it's about.
I mean,
when that moment comes...
I want it to be perfect.
Wow.
That is the gayest thing
I have ever heard.
She's the only girl
that makes my heart
beat faster and slower
at the same time.
When I'm not with her...
I'm not living.
I'm only existing until I can
hold her in my arms again.
[ Sighs ]
g*y, g*y, g*y, g*y.
[ Sobs ]
[ Sniffles, sighs ]
Somebody sh*t in the locker.
[ Sniffles ]
[ Salsa music plays ]
Can I help you
find something?
[ Mexican accent ]
l-I was looking for my...
earring.
It, uh, accidentally fell...
into the lawn mower...
and, uh...ricocheted
into the window.
[ Laughing nervously ]
I've always liked
earrings on men.
Would you like some lemonade?
Here you go, Taquito.
It's got a Mexican flavor
to it.
[ Coughing, choking ]
[ Coughing ]
What the hell is that?!
Quesadilla and spicy menudo
with jalapeños --
your national dish.
[ Laughing ]
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs, chuckles ]
[ Deep voice ] It's been so long
since I heard you laugh.
[ Mexican accent ]
I mean...
since I started
working here.
- [ Moaning ]
- Oh! Oh!
[ Smooching ]
Back!
[ Gasps ]
Oh, I -- I am so sorry.
- [ Sighs ]
- No problemo.
[ Sighs ]
No problemo.
Oh!
[ Deep voice ]
Aah! Carol! Carol! Please!
This would be
very unnatural for me
in at least
five different ways!
Ah! Oh!
[ Gasps ]
So...you like men?
Of course I do.
What do you think?
Oh...
Oh...
[ Laughs ]
[ Sighing ] Oh...
[ Sighs ]
Carol...
You are a beautiful
and very desirable woman.
And you have a husband
who's dying to be with you.
H-He said that?
Yes.
I cleaned up the language
a bit, but...yes.
I know!
Let's go paint your toenails.
Then we'll wash your hair!
[ Laughs ]
My daughter, Jessie,
used to do those things for me.
I'll make up for that
right now.
Come on...
Iet's show that man of yours
what he's been missing.
- [ Laughs ]
- Come on!
[ Laughing ] Okay!
[ Sighs ]
[ Carol giggling ]
[ Mexican accent ]
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
si, yeah, si, si.
Uh-huh. Okay.
si, uh-huh, si, si.
- si, si.
- [ Moaning ]
To the left -- ooh,
right, right, right, right!
Oh, yes! Oh!
- si.
- I love that. Oh, yes!
- Carol!
- [ Gasps ]
How could you?!
In my own house?!
señor --
And you, Taquito --
we were supposed to be amigos!
- The loofah for the scrubbing.
- Get out!
señor, is for the --
the bath. I was --
- Shut up-o.
- I was scrubbing.
- Out!
- señor...
Richie, Richie...
[ Sighs ] Really, i-it's --
it's not what you think.
[ Sighs ]
It's my own fault.
Oh, Daddy!
Mmm! Oh!
- [ Water splashes ]
- Oh! Oh, Daddy!
Look at all these earrings.
It's hopeless.
I'm sorry.
[ Sighs ]
The prom's in three days.
Forget about
the cheer competition.
[ Sighs deeply ]
I had it all.
And I never really
appreciated it.
I took everybody for granted.
Oh, and today, my dad walked in
on me and my mom in the tub.
I think I may have
lost my job as gardener.
[ Sighs ]
You know, I'm kinda
sorry to say this,
but...this has been
really fun.
[ Giggling ]
[ Laughing ]
Yeah, right.
[ Telephone rings,
answering machine beeps ]
Hey, babe, it's Jake.
Listen, I got a half-hour
after wrestling.
I can either take a shower
or I can come on over.
[ Deep voice ]
Too late, dude.
She's with me right now.
She says that my peepee's
way bigger than yours.
And that's
if I fold it in half.
[ Gasps ]
Wha--
- No way!
- [ Laughs ]
Oh, my God,
that was awesome, Spence.
[ High-pitched ] Anytime.
[ Laughs ]
[ Both sigh ]
[ Sighs ]
You know, I really thought
I was in love.
How do you know for sure,
anyway?
I think it's when
you find someone
that you can really
be yourself with...
share anything...you know?
You mean like best friends?
Yeah.
Love's when
you can't even imagine
what your life would be like
without that other person,
when words don't come close to
how your heart really feels.
And even though it doesn't
make sense to other people,
you know you're meant
to be together.
Yeah.
And you spend all night
thinking about him.
And in the morning,
you've never felt more rested.
Oh, it's like you have to
grab on to something,
'cause it seems like your whole
body's about to float away.
[ Gasps excitedly ]
[ Exhales deeply ]
Okay...
- [ Exhales sharply ]
- What?
I have an idea.
What? What, what?
- Tell --
- It might sound kind of crazy.
Tell me. Tell me. What?
Why don't you and l
go to the prom together?
That would be awesome!
- Yeah!
- [ Laughs ] Yeah!
- So cool!
- [ Both laughing ]
Aaah!
Yeah!
We'd make Jake so jealous.
Yeah.
Ahhhh.
[ Laughs ]
I got to pee.
Ooh, I got to pee.
Ooh.
[ Exhales sharply ]
Hmm-hoo!
[ Urinating ]
- [ Farting ]
- Oh.
[ Exhales sharply ]
- [ Urinating, farting ]
- Oh!
- [ Splattering ]
- Oh, jeez!
Sorry, I'll get that.
Are you okay?
I'll get it.
Sorry.
# Ash to ash #
# And dust to dust #
# We dream of... #
Jessica?
# We sold you... #
Jessica?!
# Our trust #
[ Tires squealing ]
Jessica!
Oh, Jessica.
Oh. Oh, thank God.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
I love you, baby.
[ Sighs deeply ]
I would do anything for you.
[ Scoffs ] Yeah?
[ Sighs deeply ]
Uh...how much money you got?
What?
How much money you got?
Um...
Uh...
About $40.
That your car?
It's my dad's.
You know that.
Oh, yeah. Cool.
Give me the keys.
[ Keys jingling ]
Oh. Thanks.
[ Sniffs ]
Hey, uh, so, uh,
w-what'd you say your name was?
Billy.
Oh, yeah. Ooh.
Take it easy, Bobby.
- [ Door creaks, closes ]
- It's "Billy."
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Rock music plays,
tires squealing ]
Aaah!
[ Music stops ]
[ Panting ]
[ Crying softly ]
[ Crowd cheering,
dance music plays ]
Yeah.
[ Whistle blows, music stops ]
[ Salsa music plays ]
Where's Jessica?
[ Sighs ]
Don't worry, Miss Bernard.
She'll be here.
[ Music continues ]
[ Men singing in Spanish ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Hey.
[ Exhales sharply ] I really
hope this works, Jessica.
Come on,
let's go kick some a*s.
Okay.
Aah. Oh!
Dude, there's Jessica.
Whatever.
Dude!
[ Whistles, cheers ]
Number one!
She does love me.
[ Dance music plays,
whip cracks ]
# Are you feeling fierce? #
[ lntroduction to Run-D.M.C.'s
"It's Tricky" plays ]
# It's tricky to rock a rhyme #
# To rock a rhyme
that's right on time #
# It's tricky #
# It's tricky, tricky,
tricky, tricky #
[ Dance music plays ]
Whoo-hoo!
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
ALL: The Bees are coming!
The Bees are coming!
Sting this!
That's you! That's you!
I see you!
[ Hip-hop music plays ]
Yeah!
[ Music stops ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
- Whoa! Oh!
- GlRL: Aaah!
[ All gasping ]
Aaah!
[ Panting ]
[ Girls screaming ]
- [ Vomiting ]
- Oh! Je--
[ Retching ]
Oh, come on, man.
[ Feedback ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
it appears the older gentleman
in the bee outfit
with the fake boobs
is the school janitor.
As per Section 31C
of the rule book,
school employees
are allowed to be mascots.
Say hello
to your new champions --
the Bridgetown Honeys!
- [ Cheers and applause ]
- ALL: Aaah!
Aaah!
Yeah!
Yeah!
ALL: Aaah!
[ Laughing wildly ]
- Whoo-hoo!
- Oh!
Ugh!
# Give me all your fear #
# Throw it all away #
# And think
about the good things #
# No matter what they say #
# We'll take tomorrow,
baby, yeah #
# One day at a time #
WOMAN ON TV: Here's
a bizarre story for you --
police are now searching
for the hot chick bandit --
a beautiful young woman who
lures men into dark alleyways,
beats them senseless,
and takes their wallets.
Well, we thought
maybe she needed some help.
Yeah, we're helpful guys.
So we went into the alley, and
then she starts wailing on me.
And let me tell you --
she didn't hit like a girl.
Luckily, Fitzy,
the good guy that he is --
he was hiding behind a dumpster
with a video camera.
Looks like she worked you over
pretty good.
Yeah, well,
don't get me wrong --
I got some shots in.
Ow!
- [ Thud, thud, thud ]
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
[ Whimpering ]
Ow!
Ow!
- [ Thud ]
- Owww!
[ Thud ]
Owww!
Why? Oh, God.
Oh, God, that hurt.
Owww!
[ Whimpering ]
- Why?! [ Whimpering ]
- [ Telephone beeping ]
[ Whimpering continues ]
[ Ringing ]
Hi, it's April.
Leave me a message.
- [ Beep ]
- April, it's Hildenburg.
I think I found Jessica's body.
It's in an alley outside a bar.
But we got to move fast, because
the police are looking for it.
- Call me back.
- Ohh! Oh!
Aaaahhh!
- [ Thud ]
- [ Cat screeches ]
[ Slow piano music plays ]
[ Jessica sniffles,
cries softly ]
Jessica?
[ Crying softly ]
[ Sighs deeply ]
[ Sniffles ]
[ Sniffles ]
Not now, Booger.
I knew it!
Jessie, it is you!
How come you didn't
snitch on me?
'Cause you're my sister,
and I accept you
for who you are.
Come here.
[ Sighs deeply ]
[ lnhales sharply ]
You are such a little weirdo.
[ Sniffles ]
# That's right, don't be
looking at me like that #
# See, my name
is Grandma Funk, y'all #
# Funk if you're nasty,
darling #
Ooh...
Sweet as cand-y!
KEEClA'S MOTHER: Ling-Ling!
# I need
a little more volume #
"L" to the "l"
to the "N" to the "G."
[ Laughs ]
Ling-Ling, you forgot
your bling-bling.
Mom...
you're ruining my life!
I just want
to meet you halfway.
# Are you ready to get down,
get funky? #
n*gga, "prease"!
[ Groove Armada's
"l See You, Baby" plays ]
I wish my mama got me
some bling-bling.
Honey, if you don't
want her as your mama,
I'll take her.
- Girl, please.
- Girl, please.
# Uh! #
- # What? #
- # Uh! #
- # Come on! #
- # Uh! #
[ Eerie music plays,
siren wailing ]
# Whoa,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #
# Whoa,
pretty, pretty shy one #
# Whoa,
hey, hey, hey, hey, hey #
# Whoa,
pretty, pretty fly one #
You still think I have
a chance at prom queen?
No.
Okay.
[ Music continues ]
Mom!
I'm sorry.
But why do you have to
keep embarrassing me
in front of my friends?
[ Sighs ]
You're not ashamed of me.
You're really ashamed
of yourself.
[ Breathing shakily ]
Tell Lulu --
easy on the chronic.
[ Engine turns over,
buzzing ]
- # Bow down #
- # When I come to your town #
- # Bow down #
- # When I'm Westward bound #
# Bow down #
# 'Cause I ain't
a hater like you #
# Bow down to a dealer
that's greater than you #
# I take ten steps,
and I draw #
[ Telephone ringing ]
Ohhh! Oh! Oh!
[ Ringing continues ]
[ Beep ]
Oh, h-h-hi, Carol.
Jessica didn't get ready here.
No. No, she hasn't
been here all week.
[ Beep ]
Oh! I knew it!
[ Gasps ] Something is going on
with Jessica and April.
Oh...oh, I'm gonna
get to the bottom of it.
If you ruin April's night,
I will have you put away.
Wh--
I-lf you're not gonna help me,
l-I'm gonna do it myself.
[ Rustling ]
[ Tires squealing ]
[ Horn blaring ]
[ Blaring continues ]
[ Michelle Branch's
"You Get Me" plays ]
# So I'm a little left
of center #
# I'm a little out of tune #
I think this is a good spot.
# Some say I'm paranormal #
Jake's got to
come right by here.
I don't really care
about Jake anymore.
You shouldn't. He's a jerk.
There's no one I'd rather
be with here tonight.
# I don't care
what they're saying #
Me either.
[ Exhales sharply ]
# As long as I'm your girl #
April, you look
so beautiful tonight.
No one has ever been there
for me like you have.
You've always
been there for me.
Any guy would be so lucky to
have you as their girlfriend.
And I should know.
I've been a guy
for almost a week now.
And in that time, you have been
such a good friend to me.
I don't know how
I could ever thank you.
Ehhhh...
Here he comes.
[ Both chuckle ]
That dress looks great.
Is it easy to get out of?
[ Slurps ]
[ lnhales deeply ]
God.
Aaah!
Oh...
I am so l*sbian right now.
[ Scoffs ]
We totally nailed him.
[ Laughs ]
Jake is so jealous.
He spilled his drink
all over his date.
You should've seen it.
[ Laughs ]
We already got him, honey.
He can't see us anym--
Spence, I love you.
I love you, too, April.
If you weren't holding on
to me right now...
I'd float away.
You're my best friend,
and now you're a guy.
It's meant to be.
[ Sighs ]
April...
you don't need me or any guy
to make you feel
beautiful and special...
because you are.
You are the greatest girl
in the whole world.
You are all you need.
I know it's crazy,
but I can't help it.
I'm in love with you, Spence.
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
April...
You gonna be okay?
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
We're not gonna let
a little thing like...
me turning into a man
and you wanting to be with me
get in the way
of our friendship, are we?
[ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
I'm in love with Billy.
And if I'm gonna be
stuck like this forever,
he's just gonna have to
accept me as I am --
a man.
That's my man.
[ Dance music plays ]
I think I know
who's in Jessica's body.
[ Gasps ]
And I know
where we can find him.
Let's find Jessica
and get out of here.
Hildenburg,
you know what to do.
Come on.
[ Music continues ]
Aah!
Come on.
- [ Whip cracking ]
- MAN: That's a huge b*tch.
[ Laughs ]
I didn't see it coming.
No way, man. [ Laughs ]
[ Whistles ]
Scoot. He's mine.
Mmm, boy, I don't think so.
Aah!
[ Sighs ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
Get away!
Billy...
It's me -- Jessica.
It's always been me.
Mister...
you're freaking me out.
You know how
when I touch you there,
it makes your whole leg
tingle?
And when I touch you here...
No. No.
No, it can't be.
Do you remember
after the homecoming game...
after you threw the winning pass
to beat Carlmont,
you and I went
behind the scoreboard and...
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Whispering ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
You got to believe me.
Silly...Billy...nilly.
Just close your eyes.
You'll know it's me.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Romantic music plays ]
Oh!
Oh, I can't!
I can't do it!
You always said you'd love me
no matter what.
Bu-- I --
you're a 30-year-old dude!
Just on the outside!
Billy!
- [ Footsteps approaching ]
- Bil--
We found your body.
[ Panting ]
- lt'll be fine.
- Are you sure she's all right?
I'm sure everything's
gonna be fine.
Booger, hurry up!
Come on, buddy!
You got to learn to run in those
heels if you're gonna wear them.
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Sister Sledge's "He's
The Greatest Dancer" plays ]
# Oh, what, wow #
- # He's the greatest dancer #
- There you go, sweetheart.
# That I've ever seen #
- # I've ever seen #
- [ Laughs ]
- # Oh, what, wow #
- [ Grunts ]
# He's the greatest dancer #
# Oh, what, wow #
# That I've ever seen #
Oh, sh*t!
[ Exhales sharply ]
I knew it was gonna be
a good night.
Ow! God.
Thanks, Hildenburg.
I want my body back right now!
Well, finders keepers,
sweetheart.
[ Lighter clicks ]
How dare you?! Do you know what
this could do to my lungs?!
[ Scoffs ]
You give me that earring!
Give me that earring!
You give me that earring.
Give it to me. Give it.
Give it to me.
Okay. Okay, okay, okay.
Sit down.
Calm down. Calm down.
I'll make you a deal, okay?
Now...
just let me make another
And then I'll give you
your body back
'cause it's
so important to you.
[ Mockingly ]
"I'm crying about my body."
And then...
you can just loan it to me
every other weekend
and -- so I can pay off
some gambling debts.
Weekends -- loan you my body.
[ Chuckles ]
I want my body back!
Give me my body back!
- Give --
- [ Choking ]
Hey...
Look at me.
I'm only gonna
tell you this once --
no strangling the dancers
or you are out of here!
Now, can't you read?
[ Dance music plays ]
# What are you waiting for? #
Now, this is more like it.
I got to hit the head.
# Give it to me #
# Life is what you make it #
# And it can pass you by #
Hey, don't worry.
We're gonna get him.
[ Gasps ]
[ All laughing ]
Hey, babe.
[ Whistles ] Sweetheart.
Hey...
No way!
Jessica?!
This is where you've been?
[ Laughing ]
I want a dance from you!
Ye-e-e-ah!
Mar--
Oh.
Ugh! Oh!
[ Exhales rapidly ]
So, dancing naked
must be fun, huh?
Yeah, sure...
why wouldn't it be?
Where do you keep
your weed, though?
# Give it to me,
give it to me #
Ohhhh.
That's good.
I don't have one of those.
Sure.
[ Romantic music plays ]
[ Sighs ]
Bye, Spence.
You'll always be
my best friend.
Forever.
[ Sighs ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Laughs ]
[ lntroduction to
"More Than a Woman" plays ]
Billy?
Hi, Mrs. Spencer.
Mr. Spencer.
How's it going, Booger?
[ Sighs ]
This isn't the prom.
Oh, my God.
[ Sighs ]
# More than a woman #
# Aaaaahhh #
Anything yet?
No.
Oh.
There you go!
Come on, shake it!
Whoo! You naughty
little Honeybee.
Yes, you are!
Oh! h*! Whoo!
[ lnhales sharply ]
Anything yet?
No.
I'm all right. I'm o--
# Hey, yeah, yeah #
# More than a woman,
you'll see #
[ Giggling ]
# Aah #
# More than a woman #
# Ye-e-e-e-ah #
[ Boing! ]
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Uh-huh.
# More than a woman #
Hey, buddy?
How about a lap dance?
#...you'll see #
# Yeah, yeah, yeah #
[ Gasps ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Grunts ]
# More than a woman,
you'll see #
[ Choking ]
Hey! Can't you read?!
Monday night's g*y night.
[ Choking ]
[ Exhales sharply ]
What?
Oh. [ Exhales sharply ]
[ Laughs ]
It's me?
[ Laughing ]
Really?
[ Uplifting music plays ]
Oh!
Oh!
It is! [ Gasps ]
It really is!
[ Laughing ] Oh.
[ Gasps ]
[ Both squealing ]
[ lnhales sharply ]
Aaah!
[ All laughing ]
[ Crowd murmuring ]
Taquito?
It's really you.
Billy.
Mmm...
[ Exhales sharply ]
Listen, l...I'm so so--
Doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
I don't care about the other
girl I took to the prom.
I don't care what Jake thinks.
I don't care
that you took my money,
stole my dad's car,
and...tried to run me
down with it.
No, I --
None of that matters.
[ Sighs ]
I'll even try to find a way
to get over your new job
as an exotic dancer.
[ Exhales sharply ]
[ Chuckles ]
[ Romantic music plays ]
Billy...
do you feel that?
You are the only boy
who makes my heart
beat faster and slower
at the same time.
[ Sighs ]
[ Music swells ]
[ Sniffles ]
I'm not pressing charges.
Hey, you better get back
onstage, little lady.
The only place
this little lady is going
is home with me and my wife.
Hey, what kind of a place do you
think I'm running here, pal?!
Class valedictorian --
Keecia "Ling-Ling" Jackson.
[ Cheering ]
KEEClA: First of all,
I'd like to say I'm very proud
to be half Korean.
Thank you, honey!
But don't forget --
you're also one-quarter Jewish!
Mazel tov, baby!
Shalom!
# I'd do anything #
# Just to hold you in my arms #
# To try to make you laugh #
Wait! Wait!
[ Tires squeal ]
[ Music stops ]
Hey, how's it going?
[ lnhales sharply ]
Hey, thanks
for helping me out, man.
You're a good man.
You're a good guy.
[ lnhales sharply ]
[ Lou Rawls' "You'll Never Find
Another Love Like Mine" plays ]
# You'll never find #
# Another love like mine #
[ Tires squealing ]
Aaaahhh!
# It's all right, it's okay #
# I'll keep holding on today #
# 'Cause I'm waiting for
the starlight in your eyes #
# No more faith, no more hope #
# All that I can do is grope #
# For a shred of loving care
from my girl #
# The pain you felt
has burdened you #
# You can't feel love #
# I'm glad that I have been
with you #
# But that's not enough #
# In your arms, I would be #
# Overjoyed as any boy #
# Holding on to what he loves #
# Oh, so much #
[ Guitar solo ]
# The pain you felt
has burdened you #
# You can't feel love #
# I'm glad that I have been
with you #
# But that's not enough #
# In your arms, I would be #
# Overjoyed as any boy #
# Holding on to what he loves #
# Oh, so much #
# Holding on to what he loves #
# Oh, so much #
# Holding on to what he loves #
# Oh, so much #
MAN: Action!
APRlL: Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Scoffs ]
No clue.
I mean, my house is built on
an old lndian burial ground --
Sorry. Let's try again.
Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Laughs ]
Sorry.
Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Scoffs ] No clue.
[ Scoffs ]
One more time.
What could have caused this?
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
Okay, one more time.
[ Sighs ]
Okay, let's think.
What could have caused this?
[ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ] Okay.
Okay, one more time.
I'm ready.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ]
Okay, I'll get it.
I'm used to it.
I've got cheerleading practice,
the prom.
[ Sighs deeply ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh [Bleep] h-hang on.
Action!
[ Scoffs ] No clue.
[ Laughing ]
WOMAN: Cut!
[ Bleep ]
MAN: Action!
[ Scoffs ] No clue.
I mean, my house is built
on an old lndian burial ground.
[ Scoffs, laughing ]
Sorr--
Aha! Here we go.
Sorry.
MAN: Action!
No clue.
[ Scoffs ]
I mean -- [ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ] Sorry.
I'll get through it.
Aaah! Here we go.
I'm sorry. Give me that.
Aaah! [ Bleep ]
Are you saying...
people think I'm perfect?
[ Laughing ]
Are you saying...
people think I'm perfect?
[ Laughing ]
Sorry.
Are you saying...
people think I'm perfect?
[ Laughing ]
Okay. [ Laughing ]
Okay.
Then we got it?
- I think we got it.
- All right.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Music ends ]
Welcome to our World! Where we serve you cookies to ensure you get the best viewing experience on our site.
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register
Hot Chick, The (2002)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341