["Bengawan Solo" by Rebecca Pan]
Oh, oh, oh
Bengawan Solo
River of Love, behold
Where the palms
are swaying low
And lovers,
their souls unfold
Bengawan Solo
River of love we know
Where my heart was
set aglow
When we loved not long ago
Nightingales
softly singing
To a guitar is
gently playing
Moon and stars--
[music continues on radio]
...Brightly shining
Shining for you and I
Adverts.
Love adverts.
I mean, I hate adverts, but
the breaks, I love the breaks.
Could be a quick
mega-deal offer though,
let's hope nobody could be.
But a mega-deal offer doesn't
mean it's not going well,
no, no, no, no, Jim, it doesn't.
Do you think
it's going well, Jim?
Could be a competition break.
Woo!
Or a... a long holiday,
that sort of thing,
oh, let's hope it's not
like the rest of us-- [screams]
Hailey, you're incredible.
Hmm, hmm.
Not in a packed shot, are we?
Not too much round the eyes,
please, Jeremy,
we're under enough
strain as it is.
Your eyes are incredible.
[exhales] Um, hello?
What are the numbers?
Can anyone hear me?
Hello?
Everyone's wondering
about the numbers, please.
[director on PA] Everyone?
I don't think so, darling.
[Hailey] I didn't mean everyone.
[director on PA]
Don't sweat the small stuff,
focus on the big picture.
What does that mean?
[director ON PA] It means
I loved the stuff you made up
about your family,
that was perfect.
I didn't make it up,
what are you talking about?
[director on PA] I said,
is Jeremy doing your make-up?
[shouting]
Yes, Jeremy's doing my make-up.
[director on PA] Yes,
because Jeremy's a
professional, isn't he, Hailey?
And Hailey needs professional
help, don't you, Hailey
darling?
Just a little bit round
the eyes, please, Jeremy.
How are the numbers?
[director on PA]
Are you really doing this?
-Doing what?
-[director on PA] You know what.
You don't know what, do you?
[Hailey] I think I do.
Look, I really need the toilet.
Can I, um, can I go?
-Daniel?
-[Daniel] Yes.
-Can I? But I--
-[Daniel on PA] No. No.
-But I'm dying for the--
-[Daniel] I know,
-but I said no.
-Daniel, please!
[Daniel on PA] Don't say please
just when we're back on air.
-[cue bell]
-In five, four,
Q, two.
[rhythm music]
Welcome back to 4Q.
The home of quality,
quantity, quintity and no Qs.
Now, I'm here with Kim Jelly,
telling us about his marvelous,
marvelous product.
Jim Kelly.
Yes, but your marvelous,
marvelous product.
Permanent Bread.
Permanent Bread,
Permanent Bread, Permanent.
This is a bread
which lasts forever.
Literally, forever.
Just think
about that for a second.
Forever.
Nothing-- [static tone]
[rhythm music]
No.
But making it
even more personal,
I have a lovely
little boy called...
My lovely little boy.
And sometimes
when I finish work,
and I do sometimes finish work,
I'm normally tired
and just need to feed
the little angel
and feed him quickly,
because I'm tired
and he's starving.
[chuckling] I'm so sorry,
it's not starving,
of course it's not.
No, just in need of some food,
of feeding little...
little boy.
Now, I... I know
what you're thinking,
but I am going to toast it
for him.
Well, I was going to toast it
and serve it with
a savory spread.
It's always the same.
You open the pack and...
[gagging]
...disgusting,
horrible little greens spots
made up of not
the stuff we love.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
This is the deadly
stuff that we dread.
That, that stuff.
But I know what you're thinking,
but I am going to go
to the freezer.
But no, I'm not.
Because...
what's happened to the freezer?
I don't know.
And maybe it doesn't matter,
because now the problem
is spiraling.
It's definitely spiraling.
And little boy, crying,
not so lovely now, it's moldy.
Mold!
The little green spots, mold.
I knew that, I knew that.
Anyway, this is never, ever,
ever, ever, ever, ever, ever,
ever, ever going to happen with
this, because this is permanent.
And that's all I wanted to say.
[shouting] I know!
[calm tones tolling]
We have a caller,
we have a caller.
[gasp] And it's...
Derek, is it?
How are you today, Derek,
my love?
Can you hear us, Derek?
I'm Derek.
Derek, yes, Derek.
And how are you today, my love?
I'm Derek.
Yes, and how are you, Derek,
how are you?
-I'm 92.
-Oh!
Amazing.
And how are you today?
-I'm 92.
-Yes.
And how are you today, Derek?
-I'm 92.
-Yes, yes,
and we know you're 92. And--
-How old are you?
-No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And we know you're 92, Derek,
and we're very grateful
for that.
We really are.
And we're also grateful
because today we are talking
about Permanent Bread,
Derek, yes?
I'm scared.
Scared? Of what?
Nothing to worry about.
It is. I might die.
Oh, Derek.
Yes, you...
But then again, you might not.
I will.
Everybody dies,
I'm no different.
-But you are.
-I'm not.
But you are, Derek.
At least in the sense
that everyone is...
Different.
Here at 4Q, we treat all
our customers as individuals.
But I'm still going to die,
aren't I?
Yes, Derek, yes, you are,
I suppose you are, yes,
you are going to die.
I told you, didn't I?
But, Derek,
we are all going to die.
Yeah.
And then where will we--
Seri... Seriously, seriously,
ladies and gentlemen,
I would really, oh, I would hate
for you to miss out on this.
Please, please, please,
don't leave it a minute longer.
It's been an absolute pleasure,
Jim, to work with you.
Yeah, no hard feelings.
Hard feelings?
Of course not.
[Daniel]
Where do you think you're going?
Did I say you could leave?
We're on a break, aren't we?
No, Hailey.
4Q is on a break, which doesn't
mean we're on a break.
It doesn't mean anything,
actually, if you think about it.
So can't we at least
pretend to be professional?
Professional? Please, don't
question my professionalism.
I only need the toilet.
Don't take it so personally,
Hailey, sweetie, darling,
you're taking it too personally.
You can go to the toilet
when I finish talking to you.
I've come down here
expressly to talk to you.
I didn't know that you came
expressly to talk to me.
Is there a problem?
No, no problem.
Feels like there's a problem.
I promise, no problem.
If you think you're
still in repertoire,
there might be a problem.
Repertoire?
Repertoire?
I don't think I'm in repertoire.
You still
don't understand, do you?
Oh, Hailey.
Now, do you want to hear
what I've got to say?
You were wonderful, darling,
absolutely wonderful.
Loved it, loved it, loved it.
You're breaking records, Hailey,
you're totally smashing it.
Now follow me.
-Uh...
-And we're on in 30 seconds!
[Hailey] No, no, Daniel,
you said I could go.
[Daniel] Positions, everyone!
[tense music]
No, no,
I can't, I can't, I can't,
I can't do this, I can't.
I might wet myself.
As long as you're behind
this table, darling,
I don't care what you do
with your bottom half.
I might even perk things up.
I only need the toilet.
-Say it to someone who cares.
-Like who?
Like a professional
doctor, maybe.
I do not need a...
I'm Dr. Culpepper.
Doctor. Oh.
I only need the toilet.
Oh, I can help you with that.
No, no, no, I promise, I'm fine.
Umm... Don't I know you?
Doctor...
Culpepper Dr. Culpepper.
-Good morning, Hailey.
-Morning?
It can't still be, can it,
morning?
I am a doctor.
No, no, no,
no, I'm just struggling,
struggling to believe
that it is still morning.
-Daniel!
-Hailey, look at me, Hailey.
Hailey, I am a doctor.
If you say so.
No, but I am.
I know you are.
So you trust me?
Oh, yes, yes, no,
of course, of course.
-I trust you.
-[cue bell]
[Daniel]
Five, four, Q, two, action.
[rhythm music]
4Q, 4Q, 4Q, and 4Q.
Welcome back to 4Q,
the home of quality, quantity,
quintity, and no Qs.
Today I am joined by a...
-Doctor.
-A doctor, a doctor,
a professional doctor.
Now, working here
as a professional,
there are some products that you
hear about weeks before launch.
And when you find out
what that product is,
the hype having been almost...
excruciating.
You find yourself wondering,
could this really be the answer?
Oh, it is definitely the answer.
You see, we don't know
everything yet,
whether it's stress
or diet, or alcohol.
Or diesel fumes
or just the way we live.
Now, did you have to be
a professional to do that, then?
What do you mean exactly?
Do you need to be qualified,
qualified to do this?
Well, I am qualified,
yes, to do this.
Ooh!
Plop.
Here.
Moi? Oh!
Do you...
Do you really think I need it?
Well, don't you want it?
No, I do, I want it,
I want it, of course I want it,
but it won't perfect
my affessionalism,
will it, Doctor?
It's quite delicious.
[energetic music]
[voice whispering] Delicious,
delicious, delicious.
It's delicious. Is it really?
Why didn't you say
it's delicious!
[giggling]
-[somber music]
-[indistinct whispers]
Ah! All gone.
Ladies and gentlemen,
that really was delicious.
Now, I am beginning to feel,
I mean, I've always felt
that we can trust this doctor.
But now even more so, because
that really was delicious.
Now, Hailey, I'm not
going to ask you a question.
I'm sorry, what?
I said I'm not going
to ask you a question to see
whether you remember the answer.
But it's very important
that you remember
not to say it out loud.
Mm. I don't understand.
No, no, Hailey.
Remember, don't answer.
Are you ready?
Yes, I'm ready. I'm ready.
Wow. That's amazing. That--
that actually worked.
Well, that actually depends
on your actual answer.
My answer?
You don't know my answer.
Only because you didn't
forget to not to tell me.
Was I supposed to
forget not to tell you?
-Not if it's working already.
-What's working?
u.R-Member.
u-- u.R-Member
u.R-Member.
[audience laughter]
-I don't understand.
-But if you read the fine print,
you'll see that
terms and conditions may--
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
That's what I was about to say.
That was my answer.
And that's the correct answer.
Well done, Hailey,
and thank you.
But do you think you could've
managed that two minutes ago?
Maybe.
[Culpepper]
And that's definitely
a vast improvement on before.
I suppose so, yes.
So even if you didn't
answer correctly,
it's crystal clear
that you still need--
[gasps] Oh, we have a call--
we have a caller. Oh!
We aren't quite ready
for Oscar yet.
No, no, no, no,
we have a caller.
We have a caller,
and it's Oscar!
Oscar, um, how are you, lovely?
Is your name really Oscar?
What a lovely name.
And what do you make of this
wonder product,
u.R-Member?
Not much, really. Do you?
Yes! Yes, of course,
of course I do.
But, Oscar, darling,
this isn't about me.
This is about you.
You remember?
You mean the medicine,
don't you?
It-- Of course I mean the--
No, no, I-- I mean
the-- the-- the product.
Of course, I mean the product.
What else could I mean?
[Oscar] It doesn't matter.
No, it--
it does.
It does matter. It does. It's...
[Oscar] I was just thinking
maybe we could--
Oscar!
I'm so sorry, but-- [sobs]
-It's okay. Um...
-It's not.
-Please, don't worry.
-It's not.
It's not okay.
Sorry, but I--
I really need to go.
[low, solemn music]
Daniel?
[Daniel clears throat]
[toilet flushes]
Happy now?
Just need to wash my hands.
[Daniel sighs]
What time is it?
-Showtime, darling.
-Why won't you just tell me?
Because it doesn't
make a difference.
[sighs] If you must know,
it's still morning.
Morning? It can't be.
[Daniel] Well, it is,
and we're on a schedule.
I think it actually worked.
What?
The product. u.R-Member?
[snorts] Yeah, I don't think so.
No, really, I-- I--
I think I remember something.
Something important.
What it is, Hailey...
is I really don't care.
Come on.
We haven't got all night.
Sweetie, darling,
I want to help you,
but if you don't let me
help you, how can I help you?
If you let me help you,
I would help you,
but you don't let me help you.
I don't know what's
come over me. I just--
-I just feel so...
-Why are you always moaning?
I'm not!
Am I?
[Daniel sighs]
I just wanna go
to my dressing room.
[Daniel] Your dressing room?
Why are you so desperate
to go back there?
I'm more than happy
to discuss the options, Hailey,
-if you're not up for this.
-No, I am! I am up for it.
I'm really up for it.
-That's what they all say.
-Who?
Who do you think?
You're not special, Hailey.
I could replace you
-just like that.
-[snaps]
You're just a totally
washed-up actress.
[Hailey] Am I?
Which, unfortunately...
makes you perfect.
Perfect? Perfect for-- for what?
-What are you talking about?
-Inspiration for your character.
-My character?
-Very good, Hailey, yes.
I'm so glad we could
find some time for me
to help you with your character.
Are you worried about some
of the product demonstrators
-being so much better than you?
-No. [laughs]
And why would I be
worried about that?
Unless you're planning
to replace me
with a product demonstrator.
Is that what you're gonna do?
Are you gonna replace me?
Stop acting so paranoid!
Totally, you are, Hailey.
Totally paranoid.
I don't mind.
I just don't want
your character getting paranoid
that some jammy wh*re
is gonna take your place.
That's all I'm saying.
She looks gorgeous, doesn't she?
Hailey,
tell Jamima she looks gorgeous.
No, I'm fine. Thank you, Jamima.
But thank you for asking.
But... can I just say,
you're looking gorgeous today,
Jamima, just really so gorgeous.
-I made an effort.
-Yes, a lot of effort.
But definitely,
definitely worth it, Jamima.
-It wasn't actually an effort.
-Oh!
You just said
you made an effort.
[Daniel] Boring!
Hailey, you're so--
It's a little contradictory.
What if it's no effort
to make an effort?
[Daniel laughing]
Next to you, Hailey,
Jammy's an absolute winner.
Can we please not make this
into a competition?
-You was being competitive.
-No, Jamima, no.
[Jamima] It's okay.
You know that.
I'm just a bit surprised you
haven't made any effort at all.
I don't have time
to make an effort.
But... of course
I made an effort.
But I don't think the viewers
at home are thinking about that,
about me, because believe it
or not, this is about you,
and what we would
really love to know
is what you will be
demonstrating here
as a project demonstrator on 4Q.
What Expression?
What Expression?
What Expression?
What Expression?
Expression, What?
What? What expression? What?
You're-- you're-- you,
you are here
to demonstrate Expression.
No, What Expression?
[jingle playing]
Ooh, ooh-ooh
What on earth have you got
to do with Expression?
-I'm an actress.
-I don't mean to be rude,
but-- Excuse me,
what did you just say?
-I'm an actress.
-I thought you were
-a product demonstrator.
-Yeah, I am,
but I'm not actressing now.
No, of course not, but are you--
Are you? Really?
Are you really an actor?
No, I'm an actress.
But what sort of actor are you,
Jamima?
If you don't mind me asking.
Only if you
don't mind me asking.
-A working actress.
-No, that's not what I meant.
A successful working actress.
That is definitely
not what I meant.
Not at all.
I'm sure you're successful.
Very successful.
But if you were a real actor...
-I'm not a porn star.
-You--
Jamima!
Oh, my poor darling girl.
No. No.
I-- No, no.
I wasn't talking about...
Being a porn star?
Just to be clear...
Jamima is not
one of those type of actors.
Are you, Jamima? I mean...
are you?
-Are you?
-No, I am not.
-Absolutely not.
-Good.
I was an actor once.
A real actor.
I was, too.
And if you were a real actor,
you would probably recognize me
from the many roles and stages
and things I have
performed in and on.
-Like what?
-Like-- Oh, so many,
so many wonderful things.
I don't know, uh...
Theater, mainly.
I had a great career.
I was, I was just--
I was just saying, but--
but can we just get on with it,
please, Jamima, please?
This is the gorgeous
What Expression kit.
What comes is looking
exactly like this.
Now, I don't know
if you've noticed,
but I have had
a little bit of work done.
-Work done?
-To my face.
Have you really, Jamima?
Yeah, of course I have.
I'm an actress.
And you don't find that
to be a problem?
Well,
actressing's not a problem, no.
No, no, no. I'm sure this work
you say you've had done to your
face
has never been a problem
for your acting.
The problem is when
I'm not actressing.
Actressing? Actressing.
I have no idea what
you're talking about.
Well, I'm talking about,
like, private me.
Like, the real Jamima.
-Jamima's a...
-Don't say human.
...human being who, like,
sometimes would love to show all
the other very, very beautiful
human beings in her life,
like, and in her private life
and in her love life,
just a little bit more
of the real Jamima Hoare.
-Jamima, this is an awful story.
-Oh, let me tell you, right?
So, it is awful when my man
has brought me something
-really expensive--
-Ooh!
Yeah, like, really expensive,
and I only find out
how expensive
'cause he's paid for it
on my credit card.
-Oh, Jamima!
-And all I can do is this.
That is rather complex
there, Jamima.
Why don't we set the bar at
a more basic level, like...
Oh, like,
when I'm enjoying myself?
Like,
enjoying myself downstairs?
No, Jamima, no.
[grunts softly]
[whimpers]
Jamima,
I think you've expressed--
-I'm really trying.
-I know.
I think you've expressed
enough already.
Now, I think I know
what the problem is here.
Is what you're saying is
that your face no longer works?
No, no, I'm not-- No.
My face still works,
it just doesn't show it works.
Say you're like sisters.
No.
No, no.
Say it, Hailey.
Say you feel like--
No.
[Jamima] Really easy open on it,
which is really nice, I find.
It's very easy to use, this kit.
-You're not a doctor, are you?
-I'm not a doctor!
I'm an actress! Why is that
so hard for you to understand?
You don't need to get-- Shout.
I'm only shouting because I need
to show you how upset I am.
But you should try acting,
darling.
If you want me to be a doctor,
I can be a doctor.
Um, I wasn't asked
to be a doctor,
but I have played
a doctor before.
I just don't think I would
believe you in that role.
Oh, like you'd know
a real doctor?
I've had thousands of doctors,
thank you very much.
Not my type of doctors,
you don't.
-Porno doctors?
-No, plastic ones.
-What, plastic doctors?
-Plastic surgeons!
Oh, I thought you wanted
to be a doctor.
I told you... [clears throat]
I'm not actressing today.
Don't you think we should
get a doctor, Jamima?
A real doctor.
[Jamima] No, you don't even
need a real doctor for this.
That is what the good-looking
marketing men
at What Expression
wanted me to say,
but it is actually true.
You don't even need to pretend
to be a real doctor.
Oh! Jamima!
Just a little squeeze,
like this.
And in the cheeks.
Ooh! Oh!
And then eyes.
Some eyebrows.
You don't need much.
And some areas might need
a little bit more than others.
My disgusting crows' feet.
[grunts] All done.
[clears throat, coughs]
[stifled coughing]
-Are you okay, Jamima?
-Mm-hmm.
[snorts]
[chuckling]
[laughing] It's working!
It's working! Oh, my God!
[laughing frantically]
[screams, laughs] Oh, my God!
[laughing] I'm not even joking!
I'm actually laughing!
[screams, laughs]
Ask me to eat something!
-What-- What?
-Ask me!
Ask me for an expression!
You're not a performing monkey,
Jamima.
-[cackling loudly]
-Jamima, stop! Stop!
Now we have a caller.
We have a caller.
-[Jamima gasping]
-And it's Lesley.
Lesley. That's more like it.
How are you, Lesley?
Lesley!
What can we do for you today?
Oh, it's all right, Lesley.
It's all right.
Now, what do you make
of What Expression?
I'm sorry, but I just wanted
to know, and don't laugh at me,
but does it do emotion as well?
Uh, emotion?
How do you mean, Lesley, love?
Does it help you to feel the
emotion behind the expression?
Not 100% sure I'm with you.
Feel? How?
[Lesley] It's just that-- and
I don't know anything, but...
when I saw you on stage,
there was so much emotion
in your expression.
-Oh, thank you!
-Thank you!
No, Jamima, no.
Lesley said stage.
Didn't you, Lesley? You must
have seen me on the stage.
-Maybe I did, yeah.
-Yes!
Don't know where, but maybe.
Oh, Lesley, I think you would
have remembered if you had.
I'll always remember
the first time
I saw Jamima Hoare on stage.
I'm not just saying this,
but you're the reason
I want to be an actress.
Lesley, that's
an awful thing to admit.
Don't listen to her, Lesley.
If you want to be an actress,
I know some amazing people
who can fix you up.
Lesley doesn't need fixing up.
-Do you really mean that?
-Yes, I do.
No, I meant Jamima.
[Jamima]
Do I look like I mean it?
You do. You really, really do.
-She doesn't.
-She does.
My dream is to act
one day with you, Jammy.
Sorry, can I call you Jammy?
[Jamima] Of course you can.
All my friends call me Jammy.
-[Lesley] Thank you so much.
-Jammy?
-Jammy Hoare?
-[Jamima] Hey!
I said only
my friends can call me that.
But you are the Jammy Hoare
who's going to replace--
I can't believe
that we're friends.
Thank you, Lesley.
But if you're not serious about
the product, What Expression,
and you just want to call up
about your acting fantasies,
we are going to have
to leave it there.
Wait! No, please.
Jamima, does What Expression
do emotion as well?
That's completely irrelevant.
Not to acting it isn't, Lesley.
Don't listen to her.
Emotion is everything in acting.
I know!
It's even more important
than expression.
[Lesley] That's what I thought.
Obviously. Obviously.
But emotion doesn't come--
doesn't come with this.
Can you please just let
Jammy talk about acting?
Just remember, Lesley,
if you express beauty,
you are beautiful.
[Lesley] Such good advice.
But first you need
to become beautiful.
Lesley. Lesley. Please. Please.
Don't listen
to this Jammy Hoare.
All that glitters is not gold.
[Jamima snorting]
Did you just say glitters?
You just said glitters,
didn't you? You mean glisters.
All that glisters is not gold.
You said glitters.
-I didn't.
-Yes, you did.
-You did. She said glitters.
-What if I did?
Well, you disrespect
the bards, don't you?
All that glisters is not gold.
Many a man his life hath sold.
But my outside to behold.
-[Jamima kissing]
-Wow.
No, Lesley. No.
Not wow.
Shakespeare is not clever.
-What's your favorite
monologue?
-Can we not?
-Can we not do this?
-Chekhov.
When the curtain goes up,
and in a room with three walls
and artificial lights--
No, Jamima! No!
No, don't stop, Jamima.
What's her problem?
What's your problem?
You're so jealous.
Jealous? No, Lesley.
No, no. Not jealous.
I'll show you. I'll show you.
[Hailey clearing her throat]
When the curtain goes up,
-and in the room--
-A room.
It's "a," not "the." A room.
The room. A room.
That is not what this is about.
[Jamima scoffing]
When the curtain goes up,
and in a room...
What is the line?
[Lesley] Don't tell her, Jammy.
Don't tell her the line.
I don't know
who you're supposed to be,
but stay out of this!
I would!
Do you want to, um...
Do you want to see
a range of emotions? Is that it?
-Yeah.
-Right.
Anger.
When the curtain goes up,
and in a room...
When the curtain goes up
and in a room with three walls
and artificial lights.
How about jovial?
Oh! When the curtain goes up.
When the curtain goes up...
[giggling].
-...and in a room--
-Three walls.
Tragedy?
When the curtain goes up.
When the curtain goes up.
And in a room with three walls
-with artificial lights.
-And in a room with three walls.
Great genius.
[Lesley] Oh, Jammy.
Oh, Lesley, my darling,
I'm only actressing.
But, Jammy,
that was so powerful.
[Jamima] You're going to make
a wonderful actress.
Actually, no,
I don't think she is.
If she can get the work done,
she will do.
[Lesley] I will.
Somehow, I'll find a way.
Lesley, I'm sorry to have
to tell you this,
but it was obvious
from the moment I saw you
that whatever work
you get done to your face,
you will never be a real actor.
Too plain, too boring
on the inside. You can't!
You can't!
You can't buy credibility!
Hailey.
[calm tones tolling]
This is so great.
Thank you, Jammy.
-Hello, my darling.
-Hi.
What can I do you for?
Please, just keep going.
-Going?
-Yes, I'm going to...
Oh, is he, um...
Oh, my God, he is!
[Jamima laughing]
He was, you know!
-[Hailey] He wasn't.
-He was!
Ladies and gentlemen, boys
and girls, just to be clear,
Carlos was not doing
whatever it was that Jamima
was suggesting he was.
Oh, he's got me in the mood.
Carlos has made me want
to express all over.
[Jamima moaning]
Ooh!
[Jamima panting and moaning]
[Hailey] What's the matter?
Uh.
It's worn off.
-Already?
-Uh.
-[mumbling] I need another dose.
-No.
I need another dose,
is what. I do.
No, I can't.
I can't let you do that.
-Please, let me--
-No, you're not...
[Hailey grunting]
Jamima!
[Jamima wailing]
No!
[Hailey] They're all empty.
They're all just off a show,
aren't they?
It's all fake.
I mean, we're all fake
when you think about it.
And even if it is fake,
is it too much to ask
that any of it actually works
or means anything?
I wonder if any of you actually
expect any of it to work.
Do you?
Or are you just desperate
and lonely
and you're trying to fill
that hole, that gaping hole
that drains my life of meaning,
and the more you try to fill it,
the emptier--
[electronic music]
What Expression
Ooh
Ooh ooh-ooh
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
Thank you very much.
[laughing] Isn't this great?
Thank you,
yes it is, Daniel, it's really--
[Hailey gasping]
[Hailey panting]
Where are we?
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Am I in trouble?
[laughing]
Do you want to press the button?
Is that, Hailey?
You can press the button.
Press the button.
Press the button.
Press the button.
Press it. Press it. Press it.
Press it. Press the button.
Press the button.
Press the button. Press it.
Press it. Press it.
Press the button.
Press the button.
Press it. Press it.
What on earth have you got
to be thankful for?
Excuse me?
What have you
got to be thankful for, Hailey?
I don't know.
So much, don't I?
-Do you?
-Do I?
I'm asking you, Hailey.
Um...
Well, you asked me
to press the button,
so I just thought
I would press the...
Oh!
-So you're not grateful?
-No, I am.
What for?
Well, so much.
So much to be grateful for.
Um, I don't know, for, um...
[Hailey sighing]
Letting me sleep?
[Daniel laughing]
Letting you sleep?
Thank you so much
for letting me sleep.
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
You really
are being so brave, Hailey.
Thank you for being so brave.
Look, if I'm in trouble,
I wish you would just tell me.
Did I ever
tell you about Maureen?
No, I don't suppose I did,
did I?
-I don't think you did.
-No, don't interrupt.
Everyone loved
poor little Maureen.
She was a trooper,
an absolute trooper.
Kept her little wheel
spinning round and round
and round and round.
What wheel? What sort of--
Or was it all just an act?
Things seemed to be going
so well for Maureen,
Hailey, when in a moment of...
let's not call it paranoia,
but for the sake of argument,
passion,
Maureen suddenly bit
one of our demonstrators.
Maureen did what?
What, live? On air?
Only a little nip on the finger,
but please,
don't interrupt again, Hailey.
She might have got away with it,
but for the naughty swear word
that followed,
Maureen might have
escaped unscathed.
Well, she wouldn't have escaped.
Not unscathed.
But where
do you draw the line, Hailey?
Huh?
A naughty swear word.
Yes.
What naughty swear word?
[Daniel] Oh, you know.
Only an innocent
little "bloody hell."
Bloody hell.
Nothing even that serious
when you think about it,
is it, Hailey Wailey?
So...
Maureen bit one
of the demonstrators,
but you're angry
because she swore?
No one wants to hear it,
do they?
-What?
-The naughty swear word.
If I am in trouble,
I wish you would just tell me.
Oh, bloody hell, Hailey,
I'm telling you a story
and all you can do
is think it's about you.
Stop being so grotesque.
Grotesque?
What happened
before I fell asleep?
Don't you care about
what happened to Maureen?
Yes.
Yes, I do care
what happened to Maureen.
It's just...
What did happen to Maureen?
How can I put this...
gently, Hailey, so you
don't take it the wrong way.
Maureen was...
Excuse me?
[Daniel] Don't worry,
she didn't feel a thing.
You had Maureen k*lled?
For swearing?
[Daniel]
You make it sound so dramatic.
Maureen was only supposed
to add some, you know,
fur to proceedings.
Some fur to--
You k*lled someone!
That's it.
I quit.
-[lever rattling]
-[automated voice] Thank you.
[Daniel laughing]
I'm serious, Daniel.
So am I, Hailey.
But what are you talking about?
-4Q.
-4Q?
-4Q.
-What's that supposed to mean?
The no Q thing.
That doesn't make any sense.
It does, actually.
But I can't do it anymore!
I can't! I'm not! I won't!
And you can't stop me!
[Daniel laughing]
How do I get out of here?
How do I get out of here?
I'm serious, Daniel,
it's not funny!
It is quite funny.
That Hailey thinks
she's a hamster.
A what?
[Daniel]
The hamster in the story.
The-- the what?
The hamster in the story.
Well...
She's-- she's a hamster?
A hamster?
Why didn't you tell me?
[Daniel]
I wanted it to be a surprise.
A what?
A surprise.
But...
that's an owl.
Yes.
Maureen the owl.
4Q, Maureen. 4Q.
4Q, 4Q, 4Q.
[Daniel] 4Q, Maureen.
[Maureen] 4Q, Daniel.
How long's it been?
[Daniel] Not that long, Maureen.
Feels like yesterday.
And you haven't aged a whisker.
You mean feather.
I meant feather.
[Maureen] You're too sweet,
you know you are.
But now, who's this
lovely young lady here?
Oh, you mean Hailey.
You said Maureen was a hamster.
You said she was a hamster.
I'm supposed to eat hamster.
Maureen, give us a second,
would you, love?
No, I know what I'm doing here,
Daniel. You have to trust me.
I do trust you, Maureen, I do,
but remember the 4Q small print.
She really likes you.
I can tell.
I'm so pleased for you, Hailey.
That's great. That's really
great. Well, I need to go.
-I just need to leave.
-So do I.
I just need you to leave.
But first, I'm offering you
the chance to rent Maureen.
-To rent her?
-[Daniel] Yes.
All our departing staff
are encouraged to rent Maureen,
no matter how pleased
we are to see them leave.
But before you
fully commit to each other,
I'm supposed to read you
your conjugal rights.
-Conjugal what?
-Rights.
But don't worry, we don't
really call them that, Hailey.
We prefer to call them
Maureen's rental rights.
[Daniel clearing his throat]
Maureen the companion owl
comes on a maximum contract
payable on subscription basis,
price depending on the intensity
of the relationship.
I'm not looking to get into
a relationship with an owl.
[Daniel] In so far as
you are fully prepared
to really commit to Maureen,
to fall in love with Maureen
and to share all of
your most intimate secrets
and personal moments
with Maureen,
the price starts to fall.
Dramatically fall, Hailey.
Dramatically. Are you following?
No, I don't think
I am following. No.
If you were
to say marry Maureen--
No!
I don't want to marry Maureen!
I don't want to...
-know Maureen!
-I heard that.
Maureen.
So, what do you want?
I don't want anything.
[Maureen] Thank you, Daniel.
-But no thank you.
-Give her a chance, Maureen!
[Maureen] No, I did.
I'd rather you switch me off.
Please,
just put me out of this--
[click]
Now, that's what
I call sacrifice.
What do you want then, Hayley?
-Nothing. I don't want anything.
-What do you really want?
I just want to get out of here.
-You can tell me, Hayley.
-I just did.
I just want to go outside,
maybe, even just for a bit.
-What are you gonna do outside?
-I don't know.
Don't be so depressing,
Hayley-Anna.
I don't mean to be depressing.
I just want to go
to my dressing room,
just to get my stuff. That's it.
I want to go to my dressing
room, get my stuff and just go.
I thought you thought
you were a really great actor.
You don't want to be in a film.
-What film?
-Don't worry, I'll tell them
you're not interested.
-I'll tell them Hayley's
not even listening to offers.
-Offers? What offers?
It doesn't matter.
But I'll tell them
Hayley doesn't want to be
in a film
because Hayley just wants
to go to her dressing room.
But I didn't know that
I had an offer to be in a film.
-You didn't say.
-Didn't I?
No, I don't think you did.
Did you?
But you don't want to be in
a film anyway, Hayley,
which is probably why
I didn't tell you.
No, but I want to know if
I've been offered a role
in a film, that is.
I want to know.
There's nothing to get
too worked up about, Hayley.
It's only a silly, little role
in a silly, little film.
-But it's still a film,
isn't it?
-If you had any real ambition,
you'd want to be
in the video game.
-Have I been offered
a video game?
-No,
who'd want to put you
in a video game?
I don't want to
be in a video game.
But you want to be in
a film, don't you?
Maybe.
Because you just love film.
Yes, I do, actually.
Kind of.
Steve!
Follow Steve.
Off you go.
Ta-ta.
-Where are we going?
-Shh.
[whispering] No talking.
[footsteps clattering]
[Hayley breathing heavily]
[Hayley] It's so hot.
[Steve] Not yet.
Come on.
[Hayley breathing heavily]
We made it.
We're here.
We're here?
[normal voice]
You've gotta stop doing that.
-Doing what?
-Changing it up all the time.
-Changing what?
-Just stop it, will you?
And you need
to face more this way.
[whispering] We're here.
We made it.
[normal voice]
It's getting hot, isn't it?
Yeah, yeah, no, it is.
It's really, really hot.
[whispering] Thank you.
[normal voice] It is hot, yes.
And are you thirsty?
Yeah, I am very thirsty.
Are you hungry as well?
Yeah, yeah,
I'm absolutely starving.
Hole Aid really fills you up.
Wow.
[cans hissing]
[breathing heavily]
Oh, my God.
It's like a bottomless pit.
Not meant to say that.
They'll never use it.
-Who won't?
-Oh, for Pete's sake.
I can't do this. I just can't.
It's both our heads
on the line here.
I'm not doing it again. I won't.
Fine.
Nor will I.
Because Hole Aid
really has filled me up.
Well, that was pretty good.
What was?
Why didn't you just
do that the first time?
Do what?
[Steve] Remember your lines.
My lines?
-I didn't...
-[Steve] Chop chop!
-We're nearly there.
-There?
I thought we were already there.
Scott?
Wait for me!
Wait, wait!
Scott!
Scott!
[quiet, tense instrumental]
[breathing heavily]
[heavy thud]
H-Cartin.
Hayley Cartin.
[Daniel shouting] No, wait!
Wait! Stop!
Hayley Cartin!
[Daniel breathing heavily]
"Hi, Daniel."
"Yes, hi, Hayley."
"So nice to see you
again, Daniel."
I'm afraid you forgot
the most important thing.
Hole Aid.
-Hole Aid?
-Yes.
I just want to do one more take,
exactly the same,
but holding this.
You don't understand.
I don't need that anymore.
No, you don't understand.
Hole Aid are paying
for all this.
-All what?
-The film.
What film?
The film about me helping you
get all your stuff from
your dressing room.
You're not helping me.
You're ruining this for me.
How dare you?
How dare you say that?
Believe me, they wouldn't
have used you at all
if you were going to be
like this.
It was you who wanted to make
the film in the first place.
I just wanted to go
back to my dressing room.
Exactly!
Don't want to get upset...
but you need to go.
You know that's
not going to happen.
[Daniel] It's your fault,
Hayley!
You can't blame it on me!
You're too old
to play the part anyway!
Are you threatening me?
You wouldn't dare.
Wouldn't I?
I'm very happy for you.
I'm happy you finally
found your character.
[Hayley] My character?
I know.
Depressing, isn't she?
[flames roaring]
[Daniel screaming]
[screaming growing distant]
f*ck you! [coughing]
[quiet, mysterious instrumental]
[dreamy,
indistinct vocalization]
[music stops]
[singing "Et maintenant"
by Gilbert Bcaud]
Et maintenant que
vais-je faire
De tout ce temps que
sera ma vie?
De tous ces gens qui
m'indiffrent
Maintenant que tu es partie
Toutes ces nuits,
pourquoi, pour qui
Et ce matin
qui revient pour rien
Ce cur qui bat,
pour qui, pourquoi
Qui bat trop fort...
[glass smashing]
f*ck you.
Et maintenant
que vais-je faire?
Vers quel nant
glissera ma vie?
Tu m'as laiss
la terre entire
Mais la terre
sans toi c'est petit
Vous mes amis, soyez gentils
Vous savez bien
que l'on y rien
[indistinct lyrics]
[music stops]
[music resumes]
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Up the Catalogue (2024)
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