01x07 - The Bechdel Test

[bunniefuu]

You know the human vag*na

can lift over 200 pounds?

No, uh no, it is 20 pounds.

I don't know, I-I saw, like,

a YouTube thing about it.

Oh. I think I got too high to do this.

- Don't say that. Are you joking?

- N Okay.

- That's so irresponsible.

- It's fine. I can do it. I can do it.

I can do it.

I just, like, got freaked out,

'cause I felt like I was gonna perform,

like, a real surgery,

so I thought I would just get,

like, a little toasted

and it would give me confidence

and I would just do it,

and I figured, you know,

we're gonna write after this anyway.

- Well, yeah, we're not gonna write,

like, right after this.

- We're not?

- Yeah, we're writing a show

about female friendship, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, so don't you think

we should, like,

actually become friends first?

- What do you call this?

- Okay, yes, you installing

my new vag*na would be, like,

an amazing beginning to an episode,

but all I'm saying is,

so far, all we've done is, like,

sit in your apartment and talk about Dan.

I just feel like it's kind of a no-brainer

that, like, we should

go on some adventures together

before we start writing.

- Come on, man. Can't we just

- So I was thinking, after this,

we pack our bags,

we hit the road for a few days

and camp under the stars,

we have some laughs.

- I don't know, like what, today?

- Why not?

- I'm busy. I've got stuff to do.

- Ugh. You have Dan's podcast,

Dan's weekly podcast

you go to every week.

- Come on, man, just

- I'm just saying I'm sorry,

I feel like you would have

a lot more power

in your relationship if you actually

had your own things going on

every once in a while.

- Barbara, I understand that

you represent a part of me

that feels the need to question

my very happy relationship with Dan,

but that doesn't mean that you're right.

I don't need to play games

and, like, you know,

make myself unavailable

to, like, prove myself to him.

- Mm.

- We're past that.

We poop with the door open sometimes.

- Yeah, right there, right there.

- Like, we tell each other everything.

- Mm-hmm.

- Except for the fact that I, like,

formed this unhealthy

codependent relationship

with his former sex doll.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm, like, currently giving her

a vaginal rejuvenation,

'cause she can talk me

into anything and

g*dd*mn it! Is this thing in yet?

- Yeah. It is.

- What?

- It has been for a while.

- Like, you can feel this?

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, you are such an as*h*le!

- Oh, Codes, a girls' trip, you and me.

Oh! It'll be so fun.

We'll show Dan what an independent

codependent woman you are.

We'll let go of the things

that no longer serve us.

Wait! I want to hold on to that.

♪

[Barbara squeals]

Road trip!

- I can't believe

I let you talk me into this.

That looks ridiculous, by the way.

- What?

- The dirty vag*na

you made me tie around your neck.

f*ck' Ed Gein-lookin' m*therf*cker.

- Whatever. It's so cute.

You're just jelly.

- Nah. You look insane.

- As insane as the patriarchy

upon which I'm, like, commenting?

No, I didn't think so.

[sighs]

Codes, ever since I got this new vag*na,

I honestly, like, I feel like a new woman.

Like, my own woman.

- That's great, Barbara.

- You should try it sometime.

- What, removing my vag*na

and getting a new one?

- [mock laughing]

No.

Not letting every single moment

of your life be consumed

by your boyfriend.

- What? It's not.

- Then why do you keep looking

at your phone?

- No, that I just

I wanted to make sure

he got my text earlier, like,

'cause he dot-dot-dotted,

but then the bubble disappeared,

and I just felt like

- [mock gagging]

Cody! Do you f*cking hear yourself?

All you ever do is talk about Dan.

Dan, Dan, Dan this, Dan that,

I'm obsessed with Dan,

I love Dan's d*ck,

even when it smells like curry.

- I don't feel like I've said that before.

- How are we gonna write

a feminist masterpiece

if we can't even pass the Bechdel test?

Oh, sh*t. You do know

what the Bechdel test is, right?

- Yeah, Barbara, yes, I know

what the Bechdel test is.

We know the same amount of stuff.

We're the same person. Stop trying

to act like you're smarter than me.

Created by cartoonist Alison Bechdel,

it asks whether

Sorry. I have pee anxiety.

Can you, like?

- [hisses softly]

- It asks whether a movie

or, like, a work of fiction,

um, has at least two female characters,

and then the two characters

have to talk about something

other than a man.

- But aren't there, like, three things?

- Yeah. There's, like,

more to it than that.

I think, um, one of the things is, like

um, do they both have names?

- Yeah. We have names.

- Yeah. I mean, mine's kind of

a boy's name. I don't

- Yeah, I don't think that matters.

- Okay. It doesn't matter. Um

So, then

What's the third thing?

- Isn't it just, like,

that there are two women?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, so one

- Yeah.

- Are there two women?

- Yeah.

- Which, you know, there are.

And then two, do they both have names?

- They have names.

- And three, do they talk

about something other than a man?

- Yeah.

- Okay. So all we have to do to pass this

is just not talk about men.

- Oh, my God, we're gonna be

so good at this.

- Okay, so, Bechdel test?

- Yes!

- Starting

now! [laughs]

- Now!

Oh, my God, we're gonna be

the best feminist-y feminists

that were ever feminists!

Let me go on ♪

Like I blister in the sun ♪

Let me go on ♪

[Barbara sighs]

Really pretty out here, huh?

- Yeah. I love it.

Growing up, my dad used to take

- Ooh!

- What?

- Oh, just like, your dad.

He's a man, right?

- Oh. Oh, right. sh*t!

Okay. Yeah, okay, start over, start over?

- Yeah. Okay, ready?

- Okay, okay, ready?

- Bechdel test starting

-Starting

-now. [chuckles]

-now. Okay.

I know you're the one ♪

- Ugh. Look at that.

The fact that 53% of white women

hated themselves enough to vote

for that bloated orangutan

- Ooh.

- What?

- Well

- [gasps]

Oh, my God, you f*cking voted for Trump.

Oh, that makes so much sense.

- What? No. No! Oh, my God.

No, I'm saying, Trump is a man, Bechdel.

- Oh, sh*t! [laughs]

- Right?

- Oh, my God, this is

so much harder than I thought.

- I know! Jesus!

- Ooh.

- What?

- Well, Jesus, like,

that's kind of a guy, right?

- Oh, come on. Come on.

- #BechdelFail on you right now, b*tch.

- No. Okay, okay, okay,

come on, come on, come on.

- Okay.

- Ready? And

Bechdel!

- Bechdel!

[Cody chuckles]

- What's your, um

- You know

- No. Uh, no, no, no,

sorry, you go ahead.

- You absolutely can go.

- I didn't have anything.

- Me, neither.

- f*ck!

Why is it so hard to talk about

something that isn't a dude?

- I don't know! I hate this!

[laughs]

BARBARA:

We shouldn't be forcing it, you know?

- Yeah. Like, I feel like if we stop

thinking about it,

it'll just, like, come to us.

- We should just, like,

think about something else.

- Yeah, we can talk about

anything else.

- Yeah, like, anything.

-Yeah. I mean, we can talk about this beer

and, like, the

- Uh-huh.

- store, how gross it is.

[grunting]:

We can talk about

that woman over there.

- Yes, we could totally talk

about the crack wh*re.

- Oh, my God, you're so bad.

- Do you know what I'm thinking?

- What?

- I feel like her discharge

would be, like, booger-y.

- My God, you're so gross.

I know what you're talking about.

Like, when it's, like, you could use it

- as an adhesive

for arts and crafts. Gross.

- Yes!

It's, like, go bedazzle some sh*t.

- Oh, my God, shut up.

- [snorting laugh]

[Barbara sighs]

- I don't know, does that seem weird?

- What?

- I don't know, just, like

you know, that we could be,

like, talking sh*t

about another woman

and still pass the Bechdel test?

- Yeah, I do know what you mean.

- And, like, also,

are you saying that, like,

we could have one conversation?

Like, we could talk about dudes all day,

and we have

one conversation about, like,

"How many calories are

in these plantain chips?"

and we'd still pass?

- Yeah, we're thinking about it

like we can't talk about dudes,

but really, we just have to

talk sh*t about a lady first,

and then we can go back

to talking about dudes, right?

- I mean, like, we did it.

- We totally passed!

- All right!

- Okay, amazing.

So we could talk about guys again.

That is so good, because

I've been wanting to tell you,

there's this guy

MAN:

Open the f*cking register now!

Now! Come on, I want everything,

you hear me?

I want everything!

Everybody get your hands up.

- Barbara, get down!