01x02 - Ideal Woman

[bunniefuu]

BARBARA:

Good morning.

Oh, I'm starving.

What's for breakfast, b*tch?

Ooh, you look rough in the morning.

- [gasps]

Ah.

[truck beeping outside]

[sighs]

[toilet flushes]

Babe, I had the weirdest dream.

DAN:

Huh?

- Yeah, I was, like

[intriguing music playing]

DAN:

Hey, babe?

- Hmm?

- What you up to today?

- Nothing.

- Want to come to my ADR session?

[indistinct chatter]

[laughter]

DIRECTOR:

All right. That's a wrap.

I think we're all set here.

- MAN: Sounds good, Jason.

I'll get the stems uploaded

to the FTP and ship 'em off to Editorial.

SIMONE:

Rick and Morty is literally my religion.

I wanted to do a voice since season one,

and my agents were all like,

"Oh, but we got you

this part as this hot girl,

and she doesn't know it."

[scoffs]

Who needs that?

Oh, and I have to say, that apology

you gave about crossing romantic

boundaries in the workplace?

So beautiful.

- DAN: Thank you.

SIMONE:

Um, I actually talked about it

on my podcast.

I, uh, have a podcast

about, uh, Jungian archetypes

in the world of cosplay.

Oh, uh, could I grab a hot water

with some lemon?

You made me scream so loud

on that last take.

- Oh, no, this is my girlfriend Cody.

- [Simone gasps]

- Hi.

- Oh, my God. Hi!

- Hi. So nice to meet you.

- Oh, I'm so embarrassed.

- No, not at all. It's fine.

I can

- Forget I said anything.

- Cody's a writer, too.

- Oh, wow!

- No, not like Dan.

- Oh, two legends at work?

Is that what that is?

- No. No. Um, I can

get you the water, um

- No, no, no. Please.

- I'm happy to do it.

- What are you doing?

- It's totally fine.

- I can get the

- Tell her to stop. No.

[distant chatter]

[sniffles]

[whimsical music playing]

- Bean?

- Huh?

- You okay? What happened?

You've been gone for, like, ten minutes.

- Oh, sh*t. Yeah, I'll just

bring it to her right now.

- Oh, no, she left already.

- Oh.

- You bummed you couldn't valet her car?

- Shut up.

- I bet you she has some dry-cleaning

she'd like you to pick up.

- Don't.

Stop.

I was just trying to be nice.

- Are you okay?

- Yeah, um, you know, I think

I left my, um,

computer charger at your house.

Is it cool if I go grab it?

- Oh, yeah. I, um

I have a spare key.

- Okay, cool. I'll just

[suspenseful music playing]

[music intensifies]

♪

[laughs softly]

- Psych!

- Oh, what the f*ck?!

- [chuckles]

- f*ck, man! sh*t!

- I knew you were gonna

come back here, being like,

"Was that a dream?

Was that drugs?"

I was like, "I'm gonna prank this b*tch."

Did you see me? I was like

- Stop. Stop!

That freaks me out!

[laughs, snorts]

- Oh, my God.

Your face is so stupid.

- You suck, dude.

- You suck.

- You suck.

- You suck.

You ready to do this?

- What?

- My p*ssy.

I've got, like, years' worth

of Dan's pole milk

congealed up in there.

- Okay. Okay.

Okay.

This isn't real.

[whispering]:

You're not real.

- [whispering]:

I'm real.

- But

the yeast infection

I could get is real,

so I'm just gonna do this.

BARBARA:

Oh, I love baths!

I love how at first,

it feels like they're so hot,

and you're like, "I'm gonna f*cking die.

It's like my skin's gonna crawl off."

And then it gets kind of cold

and it's just heaven.

[clicks tongue] Oh, it's 'cause

you saw my perfect body, huh?

- What?

- Why you're in such a bad mood.

- No. No.

- Is it because you're scared

Dan's gonna cheat on you

with the redheaded actress

from that nerdy podcast

who's like a way less hot version of me?

- No. Barbara, I'm in a bad mood,

because I'm having

a f*cking nervous breakdown.

My boyfriend's sex doll is talking to me.

- Okay. I don't know if you're trying

to diminish my self-worth

by calling me a sex doll,

but I have news for you, babe.

We're all sex dolls

until we topple the patriarchy.

- Great. That's great.

You're a feminist sex doll.

- Yeah. I am. Yeah.

I've read The Feminine Mystique, so, yeah.

- No, see, no, you haven't.

You're just me.

You're not your own person.

And I haven't read The Feminine Mystique.

I just pretend that I've read it

when it comes up in conversation.

So you can't have read it.

- I have read it.

- Tell me one thing about it.

Tell me one thing.

- You know what, Cody?

I'm not gonna sit here

in a bath in my peaceful time for me

and justify myself

to a crazy person, okay?

[ringtone playing]

I mean, you've got a dark cloud energy.

Oh, my God, is it Dan?

- No, it's my agent.

- He's, like, a real estate agent?

- Hello.

- WOMAN: Hi, Cody.

I have Jason Levy for you.

- Who?

- Hey, Cody, I'm Jason.

I'm your new agent.

- Okay. What are you?

- Yeah, I don't know if you heard or not,

but, uh, Bryan Chang got MeToo'd.

He's no longer with the company.

- Oh, my God.

- Yeah.

So I've taken over his roster,

the whole roster,

and, uh, it looks like you owe us

a new spec pilot for staffing season?

- Oh, yeah.

I'm I'm working on

I'm kind of halfway through

more than halfway through this thing.

It's, like, you know,

the-the tooth fairy,

but she's also a stripper.

You know, because both jobs, like

'Cause dollar bills.

- You know, honestly, uh,

you're a female writer.

It doesn't have to be that good.

- Really?

- Oh, not at all.

- Not sure how to feel about that.

- Ah, feelings are good.

Put those in there.

We need more female voices.

- Okay.

- I can't wait to read it.

Oh, sorry. Bad connection. Bye.

[beeps]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

Your agent was MeToo'd?

- Yeah. sh*t.

- Babe, I'm so sorry. That's crazy.

- Right?

- Oh, my God.

You want to talk about it?

You were probably, like, harassed, right?

- No. No.

- Wait. What?

I'm just confused,

'cause I thought you said

that he was MeToo'd.

Did he, like, whip his d*ck out

at you ever?

- No. I mean, thank God, no.

- So he didn't, like,

call you late at night

and say it was for work, but

really was just trying to bone?

- No, but I'm-I'm I mean,

I'm sure that's 'cause he, like,

respected me too much

as a writer to do

- [muffled laugh] I'm sorry.

I'm really not trying to laugh,

but, like, it's funny,

'cause, like, obviously,

he didn't respect you

as a writer or want to f*ck you.

[snorts]

- Is your p*ssy clean yet?

Can we? Come on.

- So, you're a comedy writer.

So cool.

It's just, you haven't made me laugh.

- Well, wasn't trying to.

- Well, I'm waiting.

[gasps]

Oh, Cody, I forgot to tell you.

I'm not just a regular sex doll.

I'm actually a special order.

- That's great, Barbara.

- I know. It's so sweet.

Dan designed me from top to bottom.

I'm, like, his ideal woman.

[laughs]

- I make Dan laugh.

- I'm sorry. What?

- I said, I make Dan laugh.

- You do? When?

I never hear him laughing.

- I hear you laughing.

- [Cody grunts]

- And I guess sometimes I hear, like,

- incidental laughter on his part?

- [Cody grunting]

- But then that No, that was

always kind of connected back

to whatever his original joke was.

You know what, Cody?

Don't feel bad.

Like, I just do not expect you

to be as funny as Dan.

Like, he's Dan Harmon.

He's won Emmys and created two hit shows.

You know who else is super funny?

His ex-wife.

Back then, I used to live in the basement,

and I swear to God, she was so funny.

Like, I would be like,

"Guys, stop laughing so hard!

I can't sleep!"

They'd be, like, howling.

- Okay, great. Bye!

- Wait! Wait!

Babe? Oh, my God, you're stupid.

This isn't how I was positioned.

- So?

- So, Dan's gonna know you snooped,

and then he's gonna think

you're a crazy b*tch,

and then he's gonna break up with you.

- Okay. Fine. How were you?

- My right arm was higher.

Because I had

just finished running my hands

through my beautiful hair.

No, higher.

- [grunts]

Why are you so hard to move?

- Pull harder.

Why are you so weak?

Harder!

- I'm trying. God.

- Oh, we get

[screaming]

- [both screaming]

- f*ck, sh*t!

- It hurts!

CODY:

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

BARBARA:

Is my arm there? Is it there?