02x03 - Yes Chef, No Chef

[bunniefuu]

[Lizzie] …identification,
and others are gonna be like,

"We need stacks of papers."

Let's just cover all of our bases.

Let's get everything filled out.

Just make sure we have--

Well, hey, sleepyhead.
You have a rough night?

You're just watching me sleep?

We didn't want to wake you just yet.

Yeah, Hamoodi, you were crying all night.

I wasn't crying.

[Yusra] You were. You were crying, Mo.

I thought he was dying at one point.

[in Arabic] God forbid.

[in English] So, what are we…
What are we talking about?

I was talking to your mom and brother
about travel documents.

So, as I was saying, it's an easy process.

You'll have them by early next year.

But going to Palestine,

I wouldn't be doing my job
if I didn't say I think it's a bad idea.

Why? You think it's not safe there?

I watch the news every day.

I haven't hugged my sisters in 30 years.

Listen, I don't care. I need to go.

I hear you,
but my concern is your status here.

You fled Palestine and Kuwait, got asylum.

If you go over there,
a court might think like,

"Oh, it's safe for them there now.
They don't need asylum anymore."

Is it likely to happen?

No, but a judge--

Then I need to go.

Me too.

Me too.

[Mo] Lizzie.

If I get my asylum granted,

I can get my travel document
and go to Palestine too, right?

Mo, you do understand
that when you crossed into Mexico,

you basically invalidated
your entire asylum case, right?

Yeah, but… but you got me
an expedited hearing.

No, honey, that was Judge Swanson
taking pity on you.

Okay, let's use it. Let's use pity.

Just put me on the stand. I'll be like…

[mock crying] I was kidnapped
by the cartel.

I had to walk for miles.

I was in the jungle, lost.

Mo, just stop.

And then I caught a bus.

-Stop.
-[Mo] All right.

Worse come to worst, what are my options?

Well, you can marry Maria,
get a green card.

You guys are still together, right?

[crying]

[softly] Did they break up?

[crying]

[blubbering]

[sobs loudly]

[door slams]

Oh yeah, it does sound like he's dying.

Told you.

[Mo bawling]

[high-pitched whine]

[Arabic music playing]

Mo?

Are you okay?

[Mo] I'm fine!

[Arabic music continues]

Why didn't you tell me
Maria was dating someone?

You let her ambush me?

Mo, why'd I drop a b*mb on you like that
when you just got released?

-Who's winning?
-[Mo] Haven't started yet.

Did you know that
Maria was seeing someone else too?

Bro, I don't know anything.
I just know me and Dallas and my life.

I don't care.

Sorry about your layover
at the border, kid.

-But it's good to have you back.
-Thank you.

Detention center, habibi?
What's gonna happen with your case now?

I'm concerned about it,

but Lizzie's a miracle worker.

She got me another date.

She got it so fast,
I thought she bribed the judge.

Didn't I tell you Lizzie's the best?

Ah, this hummus ain't doing it for me,

not after trying
that new spot on Westheimer.

The Israeli couscous there is divine.

What you are saying, man?
Couscous is North African.

Stop with this Israeli couscous nonsense.
There's no such thing.

-Really?
-[Nick] To hell with the couscous.

Y'all just make sure y'all come hungry
for my housewarming party.

There's gonna be a global buffet.

We got wings, we got sliders,

we got puff-puff, we got jollof,
we got akara.

I also asked Dallas to make the maqlubeh
with the halal duck.

You know what? I'm gonna make you guys
my world-famous falafel tacos.

I really perfected the falafel
when I was in Mexico.

Oh man, I had my own falafel cart.
I had the whole situation.

I think it'd be really profitable
if I opened up my own chain here.

It's all about the family recipe
and the heat of the oil.

Mo, just perfect being cool around Maria.

Maria's gonna be there?

"Israeli couscous is a toasted pasta
in tiny ba*ls,

developed in Israel in the 1950s
when rice was scarce."

-Where are you reading from?
-Wikipedia.

I will change it later.

Ah!

[Mo] Congratulations.

You took it from the Italians, the pasta,
and you rolled it into little ba*ls,

and call it Israeli couscous.

Why is Maria gonna be there?

Bro, Maria and Toya
have been hanging out for months.

-Plus, I'm cool with Maria too.
-That's not how this works.

When you break up with somebody
and you're the oldest friend,

you gotta pick a side.

I thought it'd be easy for you,
but it's not.

I know what side I pick, Nick.

-You already know.
-This is why I worried about you coming.

You don't want me to go?
It's okay. I'm just your oldest friend.

-Oh my God!
-No big deal.

You and Maria get matching tattoos too?

Why do you have to be
so overdramatic?

I'm not. I don't have to go.

Oh good. You're worse than my mom.

Your mom is a wonderful lady. I love her.
Don't like you talking about her that way.

Come to the housewarming, Mo.

-I'd be imposing.
-Why?

And it'd be too much.

No, we'd be overjoyed if you came.

I can't. I really…
You know, honestly, what's today?

-I can't go.
-Why not? Why not?

I gotta sell some merch.

I've got merch to liquidate to make scrap
before I go full-time in the oil business.

I'll take a bottle. Gonna pour your oil
all over that delicious Israeli couscous.

[Mo] Ah!

You know what, Aba? That was a good one.

You know what I've got for you?
A little bi-teezak. A little wiggle too.

Are we even playing? Who knows--

-Sell it to me.
-I quit.

[acoustic music playing]

Hey, bro. I see you with that chain, man.

Come in, come in, come in.
Check it out. Check it out.

Oh wow! What you got, kid?

I have everything, man. Come in and see.

-I know you got a girl.
-I do.

She's gonna love this.
This is an amazing Gucci purse right here.

You open it up,
you can put all your personals right here.

There's a little pouch right here.
This is where my girl used to, uh,

keep her Chapstick, but she's gone.

Did she die?

No, man, she's not dead.

She just left me like it was nothing.

And yeah, I messed up a little bit,

but she was always
the most important thing to me.

Listen, man. f*ck that, bro.

You need to go to the strip club
and get you a pancake.

I don't know, breakfast at a strip club
seems unsanitary.

Man, a pancake is not breakfast.

A pancake is when the stripper
sits you down

and squeezes her t*tties together.

So my face is in the middle
of the t*tties?

Yeah.

Still seems unsanitary.

And also,
I'm not emotionally ready for that,

and strip clubs are just not my thing.

Listen, you might want to try
one of them dating apps or something.

Everybody else is.

God, dating apps are so stressful.
What picture do you put? What angle?

Am I going to get catfished?

I got to write a bio!

Is it a good bio? Not?
Is it interesting enough?

Gotta depend on an algorithm
that doesn't know me.

My mom knows me better than the algorithm.

If I want to be set up, she'll do it.

And it just all feels like fake love.

Listen, man, the only thing fake
is this bag you're trying to sell me, bro.

You know, this is an authentic bootleg.

Okay, you want the real one?

Go to the Galleria
and spend $2,000 for the same thing.

You know, if you want to be disrespectful,
why don't you just go take a walk?

[sighs]

Which one you think, sugar?

Why not get both? Treat yourself.

How did I get so lucky?

[chuckles]

-How long you guys been together?
-Be 50 years come May.

No. What are you talking about?
It'll be 49.


I'm yours till the end of time.

[chuckling]

You know what? Just keep the watches.
You can have both of them.

[sighs]

You can just take everything.

Honey, what's the matter?

[somber music playing]

[Mo] …and I'm emotionally not ready
to see Maria.

[man] Mo, I'm sensing
that you have a habit

of sugarcoating the truth.

Bro, you right, Frank. I do.

Sweetheart, I don't care
if you're Texan, Mexican, or what.

Long-term, women want to be
with a mature adult.

Fun and games, that's easy.

You get mature,
now that's gonna take some work.

And you can show Maria
that you're mature by not hiding from her.

You don't want to hide, Mo.

I don't. [sighs]

Just the wound's so fresh.

I know, honey.

But showing up and being respectful,

she won't expect that.

It'll surprise her.

Just remember, Mo,
your feelings are your feelings.

Who is in control around here, anyway?

[breathes deeply]

I am.

[both together] Mo's is in control.

["Amapiano" by Asake
feat. Olamide playing]

♪ Ololade mi, Asake ♪

♪ Tune into the king of sounds and blues ♪

♪ Amapiano, hey ♪

♪ Diano, hey ♪

♪ It's a big vibe
All the girls dem know ♪

♪ Steadily, steadily ♪

♪ Heavily, we are getting lit ♪

♪ Amapiano, diano ♪

♪ It's a big vibe
All the girls dem know ♪

♪ Steadily, steadily ♪

♪ Heavily, we are getting lit ♪

♪ They see me coming
Dem dey shout hallelujah ♪

♪ Every day e bi be like a new year ♪

♪ Overseas, dem wan chop me like suya… ♪

[Nick's mom] Nicholas.

Why are you always hiding from me?

-Now, come here.
-Yes, Mama.

Oh my God, she on fire today.

More like an arsonist.

Be careful, that's my mommy.

Yep. I see where you get it from.

-[Mo] Mm-hmm.
-[Toya] Mm-hmm.

[softly] Save me.

You okay?

Yeah, if you can give me a muzzle
for Nick's mom.

[Maria] He really is a mama's boy, huh?

More like her toddler. Look at this.

I mean, I'm all for him loving his mom,
but this is just dysfunctional.

[Nick's mom] It's pretty.

You're sure Mo isn't coming, right?

That's what Mo told Nick.

Okay.

Right, because, um, Guy is on his way.

Ah, that's good.
It'd be great to see him again.

-Yeah, right?
-Yeah.

-Thank you.
-[Maria] Mmm.

Like, what even is this?
I have way too much food.

You have to take some home with you.

[clicks tongue]
Girl, I already got a chef at home.

-Oh, excuse me.
-Mmm.

[laughs]

Uh, you know, this kid is a good baby.

He's good, you…

He's, you know, at least another man,
but Black at least.

Both are Black.

-Stop it, Hameed.
-I'm sorry.

[indistinct chatter]

f*ck.

Hey, you got a lighter by chance?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, front pocket. Go for it.

Uh, yep.

Whoa! Ask me for my number first.

[both laugh]

[Mo] Hmm.

Oh… Oh yeah, you can hold on to that.
I got plenty at my restaurant.

Oh, restaurant?
I was in the restaurant business.

Yeah, it's hard out there, man.
Margins are so slim.

I was cleaning up, actually.
Couldn't keep up with demand.

Good for you. What kind of food?

It was Latin fusion.

Business was solid,
but there was other factors.

Lifestyle, mostly.

I had to get back to Houston.

But I might jump back into it.

Well, cool. I'll definitely have to try
some of your, uh…

Falafel tacos. World-famous.

Ooh, world-famous, huh?

Um, Mexico, mostly.

-Mexico's part of the world.
-Yeah.

I'll see you inside.

-Thanks, man. Appreciate the light.
-Yeah.

[Arabic music playing]

Mo! I thought you said you wasn't coming!

I'm more mature than you thought, right?

Mo! What are you doing here?

-Good to see you too.
-Yeah. It's just a surprise.

[mouthing]

What? It's been like two years
since we've seen each other? It's amazing.

You know what's a real surprise?
You're having a baby!

-That's so… It's amazing.
-It's a baby in here.

-I'm really happy for you guys.
-Thank you.

-Really.
-Yeah.

I'm so thrilled for you.
And this house, holy sh*t!

[Nick's Mom] Who said that?

-Mom's here?
-Yeah.

-Let me say hi.
-No.

-I miss Mom.
-Let me show you around.

-Mama.
-No. No.

-I'm coming. Okay…
-It's a new place. Let me show you.

-[Mo] I'll be there.
-I'll show you around.

Oh, sh*t.

[Hameed] It's good.
You are pushing through.

You are very good together.

Stay together.

Mmm.

Just a moment, huh?

Hey, you take your shoes off, bro.

That's a very good move. I like it.

Hmm.

-Yeah.
-Uh, thank you.

Yeah, bro, you know,
I observe white people, bro.

Nine times out of ten, bro,
they come inside with the shoe.

sh*t, dirt everywhere.

They do yoga in the floor. They…

Bro, it's crazy.

But you're good.

Uh, yeah, I take my shoes off.
It's common courtesy.

I'm Guy.

-Hameed. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Guy. Your name Guy?

I'm a guy named Guy.

It's crazy, bro.

Yeah.

So, uh, how do you know Nick and Toya?

Shee foo, bro.

How do you know Nick and Toya, Guy?

-[Nick] All right. Come on.
-Okay.

-Huh? Look at it.
-Yeah.

Hold on. Relax right there. Look.

Okay.

[Nick laughing]

-Oh! Yeah.
-Come on.

That's crazy.

It's not crazy. It's a dimmer.

No, no, no, no. It gives you options.

You want romantic light to sh*t?

-You don't like my lights.
-It's very weird.

Look at the wallpaper.

-This is moisture-resistant fabric.
-Okay. Yeah. That's what I--

Touch my wallpaper. You see it?

Okay. Why are you acting like this? Yes.

I'm just saying
that's water-resistant material.

-Okay.
-You're not into that. Look at this.

-Crazy water pressure.
-The water pressure is definitely solid.

-Come here! Come on!
-I do like water pressure. Got me there.

-You think that's crazy?
-The wallpaper? Take that sh*t back.

-Can we just please get back--
-No. Wait.

What?

[exhales deeply]

-What?
-How's life?

I'm out of here.

No. Let me show you
at least something else in the house.

-You haven't even seen the house.
-Yes.

-Take my hand.
-I'm not gonna take your hand.

[Nick] All right, relax. Come on.

-Hey.
-Hey, baby.

-You made it.
-Mmm. [kissing]

-You came.
-Yes. I'm having so much fun.

This is such a nice break
from the restaurant.

It's so stressful there.

Oh, uh, by the way, I got us two tickets
to The Music Man Saturday night.

What's The Music Man?

The musical with Hugh Jackman.

Wolverine sings?

Babe, Wolverine has a beautiful voice.

Yes.

A musical?

All right.

Okay. Yeah. I'll try it.

[chuckles] You look like an usher anyway.

Oh, come on, you know I look good.

-Un poquito.
-Mucho.

-Poquito.
-Mucho.

-Muy poquito.
-Mucho.

Poquitito.

Okay, so these walls are, you know,
a bit different.

-Yeah.
-All right. Come on.

-Let me show you the nursery.
-Oh, I don't need to see the nursery.

I'm sure you got a dope crib
and a little doll that plays lullabies.

I have a motion sensor Diaper Genie.

-Oh my God, is it really?
-It moves kind of slow.

It's crazy.

-Check it out.
-Just wave, and it opens up?

Okay, look, the house is beautiful.

As a matter of fact, it's so nice,
it's depressing me a little bit.

I'm happy for you and Toya, I really am.
But can we please get back to the party?

All right. Maria's here with another dude.

Okay.

[scoffs]

I'm fine.
I knew she was seeing somebody else.

No problem. No problem.

He's Jewish.

So? He's Jewish. Why you say it that way?
Frankly, I'm a little offended.

You think I'd be offended. He's a Semite,
I'm a Semite. We're cousins.

Says the man who was offended
by the origins of couscous.

Israeli couscous is not the same thing!
It's just rolled up pasta.

-Everybody knows this.
-[Mom] Nicholas!

Stop hiding from me again
and come over here this instant.

I'll be there in a minute, Mommy!

[Nick's mom] Don't you
"in a minute" me, boy.

I am your mother.

Stay here. Don't move.

Don't move? I'm not a dog.

It's really insulting.

All right, I'm hungry.
I need some jollof or something.

Everybody! [claps]

Please gather around.

[music stops]

I would like to say a prayer
for this beautiful new home.

You didn't hear that I want to pray?

Get up!

Young man, remove your cap.

Mm-hmm.

Father God, by the blood of Jesus,

King of kings and Lord of lords.

The one who carried us on his back
at Mount of Calvary.

We pray that you will guide
Nicholas and Latoya,

that they will follow
your commandment and marry.

That they will stop living in sin
like heathens.

Father God, we also pray,

guide us in fighting our neighbors

with their Ring cameras
pointed at the driveway.

What we do is not their business.

Father God, guide them. In Jesus' name…

[Maria softly] That's my ex, right there.

-That's him.
-Yeah.

He's cool. We met outside.

-You met?
-Yeah.

He told me he has a fusion restaurant
in Mexico or something.

-He said what?
-I don't know.

[Nick's mom] I'm begging you, Father,

to give sense
to those batch full of heathens

that are in the Houston farmer's market.

They have raised the price
of Manuka honey.

Is it fair, Lord?

Father, remove greed.

Remove greed and show them the light.

You like this sh*t, bro, you're eating?

It's pretty good, yeah.
I mean, it's missing olive oil…

Hey! Hey! Hey!
You don't dip in the middle.

You start at your end,

and go all the way across
in the same lane.

Don't look left, don't look right,
you stay on your own path.

No, f*ck your paths, boy.
I take from any part.

Look, I eat. Eat, bro.

Eat, bro. Eat, bro.

-Bro, you like this sh*t?
-It's okay.

Quit it. Quit it.

You know who made this sh*t, bro?

-Who?
-It was Guy.

What guy?

[Hameed] That guy.

He's a guy,
and his f*cking name is Guy, bro.

And he's Israeli.

Israeli chef, man.

[dramatic music playing]

It's crazy.

[grunts]

[Nick's mom continues praying]

Who have--

[Mo] I'm sorry.

[sighs] Child.

-[continues praying]
-Bro, this is not enough, bro.

There is Israeli
inside your f*cking stomach, bro.

Out of every dish, he makes hummus
next to your falafel taco.

Look at it. What the f*ck does he mean?

…by their fornication.

And then, Father, you are…

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Not now, okay?

Not now? When? Now.

Take it easy, bro.

I'm not your bro.

Hey, stop talking.
Mama's doing a prayer. She's a queen.

That's my mama. That's not your mother.

I grew up with her.
She's like a second mom to me.

I cannot believe
I had my hand in your pocket. Ugh!

[Guy shushes]

[Guy and Mo shushing]

[Maria shushes]

Mohammed!

Yeah, boy, you know better than
to interrupt my conversing with the Lord.

-Sorry, Mama.
-Now shut your mouth and bow your head.

Yes, ma'am.

[Nick's mom sighs]

As I was saying, Father God…

I was only gone for six months,
and this is what you do?

-Bow your head.
-You bow your head.

You bow your head and ask for forgiveness.

How could you do this to me?

Who the hell doesn't garnish hummus?
It should have olive oil.

Well, it's perfectly mixed.

And you put the hummus in cabbage.

All right, fine! Fine.

-Outside. Outside, now.
-Okay.

So that day-- Mohammed!

Sorry, Mama.

Boy, what type of friends do you have?

Can't you see they don't respect God?

Psst!

Your hummus is sh*t, bro.

Yeah? How about I wear my shoes
in your house?

I dare you, bro.

-I dare you to come to my house.
-Relax.

[Nick's mom] You know
they don't respect our culture.

Now don't try this next time.
I'm praying. Father God…

You're just sick, you know that?

You really think
I'm doing this to get back at you?

-Yes.
-I am not a stunted 10-year-old boy, okay?

-I'm the child? You're the child.
-Yeah. You are.

You're a damn child.

[in Spanish] What did you want me to do?

-You wanted me to wait for you?
-Yes.

-Ten years?
-It's only been six months.

You told me to move on, okay?

Didn't mean it. People say things.

I didn't want you to go off on that.
"He's been gone for ten years!"

So dramatic! Know what?
I'm gonna start dating your cousin.

What do I care?

Because you and I
are not together anymore.

-We're not together anymore.
-Okay. Fine.

-Yeah.
-You know what? I figured it out.

It's emotional terrorism,
that's what this is.

-What?
-Yeah.

You're an emotional t*rror1st

who hijacks planes

and flies them into people's feelings.

And you're an immature child
who broke my heart.

Twice.

["I Knew Lovin'" by Tom Waters playing]

[softly] f*ck.

♪ Now I'm ready ♪

♪ It's been too long ♪

♪ Took it steady ♪

♪ My love feels strong ♪

♪ You held my hand ♪

♪ Oh baby ♪

♪ Brought me through ♪

♪ I knew lovin' ♪

♪ Oh, the day that I saw you ♪

♪ Oh, what a mess ♪

♪ What a mess we made ♪

♪ Oh, you know, back then ♪

♪ That you never change… ♪

[Mo] Does this look okay, Mama?

Yes, habibi. Mashallah.

Are you feeling okay?

I'm good. I'm good.

[in Arabic] I swear you're not "good."
Sit down so I can talk to you.

[in English] Hamoodi.
It's okay, habibi. Don't pretend.

What if I really messed up this time?

[in Arabic] God suffices us.
And He is our best advocate.

[in English] God suffices us.

And He is our best advocate.

Say it, ya mama.

[repeating dua]

[Yusra in English] Feel it.

It's time.

[in Arabic] Let's go, my dear.

[repeating dua]

[exhales deeply]

[judge in English] I'm a bit confused
by your application, Mr. Najjar.

You were born in Kuwait.

-Is that correct?
-Yes, Your Honor.

[judge] Stand to address
the Court, please.

Um, yes, Your Honor, I…

But I was also raised in Houston.

So you are a Kuwaiti citizen?

Your Honor,
my client is a stateless person.

He's Palestinian.

Palestinian?

Mr. Najjar, why exactly
did you go down to Mexico?

-Well, Your Honor, my client--
-Not you, Counsel. I'm asking Mr. Najjar.

Well, Your Honor,
I didn't go to Mexico, "per se."

Well, what exactly happened, "per se"?

I was kidnapped.

I think my client's speaking figuratively,
Your Honor.

As I laid out in my brief,

he did not knowingly leave
the United States,

but was locked in the back of a truck

and taken across the border
without his consent.

I'm a victim of abduction, Your Honor.

Mr. Najjar, even if you were,
in fact, abducted,

you took the law into your own hands

when you attempted
to illegally cross the border

back into the United States.

Now, I have gone ahead and consolidated

your original pre-existing
asylum petition,

along with the government's action

arising from your attempted re-entry
once in Mexico,

and I've reached a decision.

When you, as a refugee
seeking asylum in this country,

left its borders,

you effectively forfeited
your asylum petition.

[foreboding music playing]

Accordingly,
petitioner's application is denied.

[music intensifies]

[shouts] m*therf*cker!

Excuse me!

You and your stupid f*cking questions
all the g*dd*mn time!

-Excuse me!
-[gavel bangs]

"Are you from Kuwait?
Does it make you a Kuwaiti citizen?"

Just because I'm born there
doesn't make you Kuwaiti, okay?

It's about where your parents are from,
the origin of where you're from.

-Order!
-And you!

You, with your
"Zen-out, trust the f*cking process!"

[demonic voice] Why don't you
go f*ck yourself?

-Order in this courtroom!
-f*ck yourself!

Everyone can just go f*ck themselves!

[normal voice] Except my mom! I love you!

[demonic voice] And f*ck you!

f*ck!

[growling]

[growling stops]

[judge] A judgment for deportation
is hereby ordered,

with petitioner eligible for release
on his own recognizance.

["Hit the Road Jack"
by Ray Charles playing]

♪ Old woman, old woman
Don't treat me so mean ♪

♪ You're the meanest old woman
That I've ever seen ♪

♪ I guess if you said so ♪

♪ I'll have to pack my things and go ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ And don't you come back no more ♪

♪ What you say? ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ And don't you come back
No more, no more, no more, no more ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ And don't you come back no more ♪

♪ Now baby, listen, baby
Don't ya treat me this way ♪

♪ 'Cause I'll be back
On my feet some day ♪

♪ Don't care if you do
'Cause it's understood ♪

♪ You ain't got no money
You just ain't no good ♪

♪ Well, I guess if you say so ♪

♪ I'll have to pack my things and go ♪

♪ That's right ♪

♪ Hit the road, Jack ♪

♪ And don't you come back no more… ♪