02x04 - Night Shift

[bunniefuu]

[Male Announcer
reads text on screen]

[Musical jingle]

[bright music]

[Todd].
You can speak your mind, Tase.

[Taser].
Want the truth, Mr. Foreman?

My guys are a bunch of turnips.

I'm the most under-appreciated
worker here.

What? I'm the busiest.

My busted back and
ba*ls are a testament.

What happened to your ba*ls?

You got a couple two-week-old
birthday balloons down there,

or what?

What? No, nothing
happened to my-

I'm just saying, a little
appreciation would be nice.

I got your favourite.

Spicy meat sticks.

Two hitter.

[chuckles] You're
trying to win me back.

It's working.

Wonder how Auds made out?

She's gonna be
sleep-f*cked all day.

She's with
Bareback and Juicebox.

Probably did sweet f*ck all.

Hopefully they found the
operator's nap room.

Hm, hopefully not.

I put fish oil in
their air fresher.

[laughs] That is nasty.

[Dewey].
[groans] Hey.

What the f*ck?

[groans] Hey.

Dewey, are you okay?

Why are you blue?

You did another gender reveal
for your gerbil, didn't you?

Use water-soluble paint,
ya dipshit.

What the f*ck happened?
Did a line rupture?

Where's Auds?
Where is she?

I remember being afraid.

More scared than I
was being abducted.

Not by aliens,

it was my Uncle Alvin.

Dewey, where's Audrey?

The darkness.

It got us.

He's not an urban legend, boys.

[Todd].
Who?

He's real.

See? This is why I
don't work nights.

f*cked-up sh*t always
happens on nights.

[spooky music]

♪

My Dwarf Paladin initiates
smite on your Elven rogue.

Yes, but I cast the
Orb of Deflection.

The Orb of Deflection?

Yes. I had it.

I had it the whole time.

I was waiting
for you to use it.

I don't know what this is,
but it upsets me.

Nights are really
hardcore, eh?

Mmmhmm.

Ooh, red pepper jelly.

So far, nights are the best.

I was built for nights, Dewey.

It's when I was conceived.

Keeps you on the
straight and narrow.

And no one's ever
in the bathroom,

so you can pretty much pull
your pecker anytime you want.

It's fantastic.

Speaking of which, Dewey,

I need pictures of your
sister immediately.

My sister.
[snickering]

[Backwoods].
Yes.

Oh, wait a minute. You gross-

So do we just sit
here all night

and play Dungeons and Dildos?

Nope. We got emergency
work here, guys and gal.

The stripper tower is f*cked,

and we don't know if
it's leaking or not,

so everyone's gotta keep
their exposure monitors

on them at all times.

Dewey. [whistles]

Stripper tower sounds fun.

What goes on there?

It's not exactly what you think,
so don't get all horned up,

you creepy little cricket.

Weren't you just planning
to pull your goalie

to Dewey's sister?

[Backwoods].
Bingo. The stripper
tower separates the gas

and a bunch of other sh*t that
I don't give a f*ck about.

So I'm gonna go
get the permits

and we're gonna find out
our marching orders.

[Dewey].
Well, be careful.

You've gotta go into
the control room.

You may see him.

I know what I'm doing, Dewey.

I'm not afraid of that albino.

He's just a very sad,
sad and lonely man.

I'll be back.

Who are we talking about?

He's been on nights
for 12 consecutive years.

I've never seen his face.

They call him, "Opsferatu".

I don't wanna speculate,

but I have reason
to believe...

he's a vampire.

[eerie music]

Knock, knock.

Well, see what movie
we're watching tonight,

ya lazy f*ck.

[Dewey].
He put a curse on
the night shift.

People see things,
they hear things.

they speak in tongues.

Opsferatu prefers to
feed on apprentices

because their blood isn't fully
poisoned from the refinery.

It f*cking stinks.

[eerie music]

There's a strange rotten egg
smell whenever he's around.

The whole plant smells
like sulphur, Dewey,

so quit f*ck' with them.

There's the permits.

Looks like we're
going outside.

My guys will build a scaffold
up to the points of interest,

and then you can
scamper up there

and put your little
itty-bitty tags.

Please show some respect.

Yes, sir.

To put anybody's
concerns to bed,

nights are only temporary

until we sort this
f*cking problem out.

Now this is Dippity's
first night as foreman.

Now, he's got no manpower
and no authorities,

so I'm pretty sure he is gonna
f*ck this up for someone,

if not all of us, and make
it very uncomfortable.

What is that?

It's garlic spread.

It's a full moon.

That's werewolves, dummy.

He may be a hybrid.

[Backwoods groaning]

[eerie music]

Oh, well, technically you're
supposed to be carrying this

'cause you're my minion.

Dewey, there you are.

You run into any problems
or have any questions,

I'm on channel two.

What are you doing?
Where are you going?

What about the tools?

What am I,
your f*cking sherpa?

Holy sh*t!

Someone's getting big
for her britches.

Oh.

[spooky music]

[Backwoods].
Dewey, I know it
doesn't make sense,

but we're gonna
rub this sh*t up.

[spooky music continues]

Dewey!
- Oh!

We need all the gear up there
to green tag the scaffold, man.

Read the f*cking
play, man, please.

Jeez! Gonna make
me piss me pants!

Apparently so.

Oh. See? Ah.

[Backwoods laughing]

Yeah, f*ck that. [grunts]

Auds! We're roping it up.

That's it. Put
your back into it.

Okay. Which, just let
me find it for a sec.

Oh my God, is he
always this slow?

Not normally. Dewey!

Ah, that's wrong!

No, it's here on the
red for the four-six.

It's a two-inch, 300!

Thought you had a
photographic memory.

What? I don't,

but I do remember the
stunned-a*s look on his face

the first time I met him.

And look at that, my dear.
There it is again.

Settle in, we're in
for a long shift.

Oh f*ck.

[distant shrieking]

What the f*ck was that?

Hey, are we the
only ones out here?

Yes, we are the
only ones out here.

That's why you
need to hustle up.

Hey guys, I'm not
feeling the best.

I need a bio-break.

A what?

He's gotta have a sh*t.

Oh.

[Backwoods].
Look at him run.
He's so gangly.

He's like a baby giraffe on ice
skates or something flailing.

Oh! Got you, ya little b*tch.

[gasps] The bugs out
here are brutal, man.

Still. God, they're relentless.

But that is an indication
that you shower too much.

They, uh, they're
attracted to, uh [sniffs]

nice smelling things.

Oh, I guess you're safe then.

Always am.

[sniffs] Still good.

[eerie music]

♪

He's not real. He's not real.

They're just made up
stories to mess with me,

that's it.

Wait, did I make
up the stories?

Am I messing with me?

Hello? Anyone? Anyone? [echoes]

Bowwowwow, woopie ball,
woopie ball? [echoes]

[eerie music continues]

Okay, okay.
Just gotta get inside.

[door clattering]

God. Who locked this?

God. Open it!

Alright, go.

Whoopsy, Dewey.
Okay, wrong way.

I gotta go back. Okay.

Okay, no, I ain't
going over there.

[eerie music]
[Dewey panting]

[eerie music swells]

♪

Oh God!

I just, I did this!

[eerie music continues]

You go away again! Ah!

Okay. Oh God!

Stop! Stop!

Stay away beast!

[Dewey groaning]

You wanna play?

You wanna play with
the night foreman?

Well, you can play.

But you're not gonna win.

[Dewey groaning]

Did he get me?
Did he bite me?

You vicious beast!

[Audrey].
Where the hell is Dewey?

Should we call for help?

f*ck no.

Only the weak call for help.

[radio static crackling]

f*ck!

[distorted screaming over radio]

I dunno.

It's gotta be some fat-a*s
sitting on his walkie

or somethin'.

Yeah, a fat a*s.

[Backwoods].
And Dewey will be back.

Man makes a dollar,
we make a dime,

and that's why we
sh*t on company time.

I encourage you
to do the same.

I don't know, man. I'm...

I feel like I'm seeing double.

Is this curse real?
Was Dewey right?

[grunts] f*ck no.

Dumbledick is never right.

I gotta get
something over here.

[Backwoods grunting]

[eerie music]

♪

f*ck's sake.

Well, I can't explain that,

but it is close enough to
break time, so let's go.

Okay. Vampires will only
come in if you invite them in.

That's pretty respectful.

Okay. Well, what if
I invite them in?

Well, why would you do that?

Well, I don't know,
you f*cking tell me, man!

Oh God.

[Dewey gasping]

[eerie music]

[heavy panting]

[Dewey gasping]

[banging]

sh*t.

[banging]

Occupied!

Ocupado.

[makes loud farting noise]

See? It's bad.

It's a bad scene.
You don't want this.

Very garlicky.

I am freaking the f*ck out.

What if Opsferatu's
in our minds?

Nope, he's not.
It's not a thing.

Well, we both saw him, right?

See, this is why I
f*ck' hate Halloween.

Ever since my parents sent
me to clown school as a kid,

I'm a big scaredy cat.

[Backwoods].
This place gives me the
heebie-jeebies at night.

Dude, what if we were
exposed to fumes?

We weren't wearing our masks.

It could be fatal.

See these things?

They register sh*t like that.

Hasn't beeped once.
We're good.

[distant shrieking]
[Audrey gasping]

[whispers] Did you hear that?

Kinda.

It's the curse.

No, no, no, no!

Auds, damn it, man.

That's gonna go on
our safety record.

They don't f*cking read safety
records at your funeral.

Fair enough.
Let's keep going.

We gotta get back to our unit.

[alarm beeping]

[eerie music]

[Audrey gasping]

[eerie music swells]

[Backwoods].
Come on. Let's go.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

[Backwoods].
Hurry. Keep up.

What the f*cking,
guys don't clean sh*t up.

[Audrey].
I hate this place.

f*ck'...

Auds, what are you-

Oh f*ck!
- [screams] Oh f*ck!

[Conchie laughing]

Aw, Conchie.

Conchie is a d*ck.

Peace out, buddy.

[Audrey].
f*ck that scared me.

Tell me about it.

I don't even know
where we are.

It's like HR or something.

This looks disgusting in here.

What is this?

[Backwoods].
I don't know.

Is this a chemical leak?
- What?

Is this benzene?
- I don't [sniffs].

Oh! f*ck! That's puke.

Oh f*ck.

Carry on.

What the f*ck? That's nasty!

[overlapping yelling]

Holy sh*t, you sick
little tiny d*ck!

f*ck, the place
is covered in it!

Your barf reeks!

[Audrey].
What the f*ck is
happening, Reggie?

I'm really starting
to lose it!

I don't f*ck' know!

We gotta get the
f*ck outta here!

I've never seen anything like
this in my f*cking life!

Everything's f*cking
sh*t and puke.

Holy f*ck!
- Oh my God!

They're coming at us!

We gotta f*cking go!
- Ahhhhhhhh!

We gotta go!
Don't f*cking touch her!

No, please!

[Audrey sobbing]

Audrey don't look,
it ain't pretty! AH!

Oh my God!

[sobs] Help me.

[loud squirting noises]

[Audrey].
Oh my God, Reggie.

I need a bathroom.

Bathroom, right there.

Doogie, you need a shower.

That is f*cking disgusting!

[Doogie grunting]
[Audrey crying out]

[Backwoods].
Hold on to it! Hold on to it!

What is it?

Oh!

Oh God! There it goes.

Good girl, thatta girl. Ooh!

[Dewey over radio].
Guys, come in.

There's something
unnatural amongst us.

He's infected us.

Dewey, we're a
little busy here.

You're on your own.

[Audrey spewing]

Ooh! Oh, come on, Reggie,
think of something awesome.

Fishing, think of baseball.

Reggie, just let it out, man.

My body, my choice.

[Audrey spewing]

I haven't puked since
I was on the titty.

[Backwoods groaning]

[Backwoods spewing]

[Audrey].
Oh yeah, buddy.

Oh, look!

There's the red pepper jelly.

[loud spewing
sounds over radio]

[loud screaming over radio]

I'm too late, he got them.

[loud groaning over radio]

Guys, I changed my mind.

Nights are not awesome.

I'm having a terrible time.

[sorrowful music]

I'm on my own now.

[Dewey whimpering]

Daines, my big sis,
my North Star.

You'll never have to
shave my back again

or check me for ticks
in the summer months.

Todd-father,
my big brother,

my best friend.

[sobbing] Oh God.

I wish I could smell your
cologne one last time.

Because right now,
all I can smell is sh*t.

[suspenseful music]

Who gets m*rder*d in here?

Let's not find out, okay?

Come on, let's just
get outta here.

Oh f*ck!
- Let's go! Let's go!

Oh God.

Come on!

[soft groaning]

[Backwoods].
Dale-doe!

[Audrey].
Dewey!

Dale-doe!

Dewey, where are you?

Dale-doe!

Dewey!
- Dew worm!

We've gotta get outta here!

Where the f*ck are ya buddy?

[Dewey].
Guys? Is that you?

f*ck!
- He's in the shitter!

Dewey, are you in here?

[Dewey].
Careful! He's in the vicinity!

Black boots.
- [Audrey] Dewey, come out!

Red eyes.
- It's Audrey.

Are you just pooping?

[Dewey].
I'm not coming out!
I'm possessed!

Opsferatu got me.

He's not coming out.
He's possessed.

Opsferatu got him.

We gotta get him out!

No, I'm not going in there
when the man's taking a sh*t.

I don't want your help.
- [Backwoods] Please, Audrey!

[Audrey] Help me!
- Save yourself!

I told you, he doesn't
want our help!

I can hear everything
he's saying.

You know that right?

[water swishing]
[eerie music]

[Dewey gasping]
[muted arguing]

[eerie music continues]
[muted arguing]

[suspenseful music]
[muted arguing]

[Opsferatu].
[demonic voice] You
dropped something.

[eerie music]

Hey.
[Dewey screaming]

[Opsferatu growling]

Let's get him out!

What the f*ck?
Dewey, please forgive us.

Forgive us, Dewey.
- Dewey! Dewey!

I'm not gonna go.

Hang on, buddy.
We're almost there!

No! No, God!

I can't f*cking
push it over.

I don't... I can't.

What are ya doing?

What's-what's happening?

I'm coming in!

[Backwoods].
Oh God, hold on, Dewey!

Oh God, forgive us!

Ahhhhhhhh!!
- [Dewey] Ahhhh!

Oh God!

Oh! Dewey! Dewey!

You're safe!

We saved you, buddy.

So sorry, Dewey.

Ah! My walkie talkie.

[sobs] No, that is a turd.
That is a human turd.

Dewey, Dewey! Your face!

What? I can't see my face.

Why is your face all blue?

What the f*ck happened to you?

I'm turning.

[Audrey].
Holy sh*t, you're turning!

I'm undead!

[shrieking and growling]

[Dewey].
It's happening,
it's happening!

What are we doing?

Auds, look.
Where are you going?

[Backwoods].
Audrey, where the
f*ck are you going now?

Why are they walking away?

Where are they walking?
You shouldn't walk over there.

Why aren't they
listening to me?

Why am I talking to myself?

Because I'm the only
one that understands me?

That makes perfect
sense to me.

Audrey!

Audrey, what the
f*ck are you doing?

Where are you going?

[tense dramatic music]

[Backwoods].
What tomfuckery is this?

Guys, I'm so scared.

Please, somebody hold me.

By somebody, I mean Audrey.

Don't touch me.

Auds, you've been bit!

Huh?

Oh f*ck!

Oh, mighty dark one!

The wounds are weeping.

She will pledge
her allegiance.

No, I won't.

I think I'm growing
more hair than normal!

I did the DNA test.

I'm actually 80% Neanderthal.

You're a werewolf.

Yes, finally.

Lycan means werewolf in Greek.
- Huh?

I don't know if I sh*t myself
or if I'm growing a tail,

but there's definitely
something back there.

[Dewey].
See? I told you!

It's Opsferatu!

[Backwoods].
Here we go.

[Dewey].
It's him! It's him!

[Opsferatu growling]

We gotta fight this guy.

Stab this sucker
right through the heart!

I came here to do two things.

Fit pipes and kick a*s!

Well, I'm not a very
good pipe fitter,

so let's f*cking dance!

[Backwoods howling]

It's go time, you
blood-sucking b*stard.

[Dewey].
You're gonna dance
with the garlic man!

[loud growling]

[Backwoods barking]
[Audrey screaming]

[everyone growling]

Oooooooohhhhhh!

Hey Todd, if you get
a video text from me,

just delete it, okay?

Let's go.

See ya, Bluey.

[Dewey].
It's okay if you
send me flowers.

[Taser].
What the f*ck did Dewey do?

Guys, follow me.

f*ck knows, man.

Keep an eye on that guy.

Alright, keep your distance.

We don't know what this is.

[Todd].
Auds, you okay?

I'm good, we're good.

Just a sore tummy
and a headache.

Yeah, I think I
prolapsed my as*h*le.

Okay guys, let's get
you checked out.

There's sh*t everywhere.
- Have a seat over here.

[Todd].
Darryl, looks like you
had an interesting night.

Stool.

[Todd].
Not the shift change I was
expecting on my first day back.

How many recordables
are we talking about?

No leaks, no injuries.

Just gotta hose
the place down.

Hose down? Why?

It's a sh*t show. Literally.

Your crew is, uh,
really weird.

You're the last one standin',
so gimme the play by play

It started off like
any other night shift.

Hello? Hello? Anybody home?

sh*t.

[Darryl].
When I was having
my standup nap,

Backwoods came in
and got the work permit.

And as the night went on,
nothing was getting done.

So I just did
everything myself.

[weird radio noises]

[Darryl].
I saw Dale on my rounds.

I thought he was pranking
me over the radio.

Then he took off running.
- Oh God!

[Darryl].
It was the weirdest thing.

What the f*ck?

I followed him to
the can, but...

[Dewey].
Occupied! Occupado!

[Darryl].
It sounded like he was
having issues in there,

so I just let him be
and got back to work.

What the hell happened to
Backwoods and my sister?

What was all over their face?

Puke. That's barf.
- Ugh.

Your whole crew was
spewing chunks.

Everybody?

Like, do we need to
drug test everyone?

Wouldn't be a bad idea.

I was in the skyjack
pulling the final blind out.

It definitely looked like
they were on something.

I don't know! I don't know!

[Darryl].
It looked like they were
having a bit too much fun

rolling around in the yard.

[Backwoods whimpering]
[Backwoods gagging]

[Darryl].
Then everything
came back online.

I went for nap number two.

When I saw the carnage,

I called the emergency line.

Hell of a night.

What about that banshee noise
following us around all night?

[high-pitched sneezing]

Sorry, guys,
allergies are bad.

Nevermind.

Yep, that was it.

So you got the stripper tower
back online all by yourself?

Your crew pretty much
just got in the way.

Hey.
- Bullshit.

That guy gives me the creeps.

No contaminants.

You guys are good to enter.

Just plug your noses.

Sorry.

I'm not.

What the f*ck went
on here last night?

Guess we'll never know.

[mysterious music]

Oh God.

Marcus, what do we got here?

Don't touch.

[Tanner gagging]

[Dewey].
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Tanner, we do not
waste around here.

You know what time it is?

End of the week.

Redneck charcuterie.

Okay.

[Tanner coughing]

All right, Dew-dog.

Do your thing.

Chicken? [sniffs]

Must be fish.

Oh, my Aunt Clementine
was right,

I should have been a chef.

Ooh, red pepper jelly.

A little mould.

Daddy's not afraid of that.

Cheetos.

Dewey likes to shed
a little Parmesan.

Ooh, Mr. Sauerkraut.

Little plopper.

I know I had a band-aid.

[mysterious music]

My greatest accomplishment yet.

Bon appétit,
Conch Industries.

[mysterious music swells]

♪

[Dewey on video].
You were a very
special person to me.

I've always loved you.

Your smile.

The way you laugh
in your sleep.

I also have to tell you
that three years ago,

when you were at the fall fair

and you were in
the bouncy castle,

your left titty popped out.

It happened so quickly and
you didn't think anybody saw,

but I saw it.

Two thumbs up.

Ew.

[Dewey on video].
I need you to marry my sister.

I know it can be difficult
to get past the fact

that we look alike,
but if I'm gone,

Jane needs a father figure.

Okay, no more night
shifts for Dewey.

[eerie music]

♪

♪

[Opsferatu gurgling]

[demonic chuckling]

[eerie music continues]

♪

[Doogie whimpering]

[eerie music continues]

[eerie music continues]

[screaming]