01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[♪ whimsical music playing]

I've been calling and calling,

and Tristan
still won't respond to me.

So I'm sending my child
in to talk to her for me.

I know. It's like all
my guardrails are gone.

-[indistinct chatter]
-Ooh, ooh.

[♪ music concludes]

She doesn't want to talk to you.

That's all she said? You were
in there for a half hour.

She likes talking to me.

Did you tell her she can call me
any time, or text me,

or come over? That I'll do

whatever she asks
to make it better?

Yeah, I said you were
a desperate lunatic.

-Did she like that?
-Dad.

Tell me exactly what she said.

She wants you to deal
with this mess you made.

So do I.

Their anniversary is tomorrow.
We can still go.

Then we can both be in your family.

[all chuckle]

I can't remember a nicer Christmas.

-[Kelly] This is so nice!
-I love all my presents.

-[indistinct chatter]
-That's great!

Reese,
the amazing dinner you made,

cleaning everything by yourself,
all your presents,

so thoughtful and generous.

You really made this
the best Christmas

-we've ever had.
-Oh.

So, I'm the reason
every other Christmas was crap?

-Huh? N... No, I--
-Yes, Reese, you're the reason

why every other Christmas
was crap.

Well, look who blames everyone
but himself, as usual.

Hey, you can't criticize anyone.

Nice drugstore perfume,
Richie Rich.

Better than "a donation
was made in your name."

How am I supposed
to turn that in for cash?

[Francis] Well, at least we spelled
your name right on the card, you moron.

Who gives black socks
at Christmas?

Why did you have to ruin this?

Thanks for dragging me here.
Now, I hate Christmas!

[overlapping chatter]

No. Not possible.
You don't understand.

I'm protecting the people
that I love

from the people that I love.

Listen, it was unfair of me
to make you my go-between.

No child should be burdened
with this kind of thing.

-We agree on one thing.
-What have I done?

No! She's the one! [cries]

Leah, never fall in love
with someone

that's better than you, okay?

You'll just end up
disappointing them

and disgusting yourself!
Idiot! Idiot! No! [cries]

-I feel like if I comfort him...
-[Malcolm] Idiot!

-... he'll keep going.
-[Malcolm] Idiot! Idiot!

Tristan! I'm so--

♪ Life is unfair ♪

-[♪ whimsical music playing]
-[sighs]

What a rip.

Hmm.

Oh, hello.

-Oh.
-[♪ whimsical music playing]

[grunts] Okay, be that way.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Mom, Reese finally worked up
the courage

to come out of hiding
and face your righteous anger.

She's out shopping all day.

I hid under her car
until she drove off. [chuckles]

-What do you want?
-Revenge.

What did I do?

You found out what I did.
Do you know what this is?

-A completely trashed room.
-Do you know what room?

-No.
-Because you're a goody-goody

and you've never been there.

It's your principal's office.
You trashed it.

-What?
-As a protest over the slow pace

of progress on diversity
and inclusion.

What'd you do?
Leave a note saying,

-"I did it. Love, Kelly."
-[Reese] Oh, please.

I went pro 20 years
before you were born.

It's easy.

Copy your handwriting
just well enough

to look like it's you
trying to disguise it.

Scrape your social media
for characteristic phrasing.

"There's no activism
without transgression."

-You gave me that!
-[gasps]

See what I did to the picture
of his baby?

That's gonna focus
some feelings.

What is wrong with you?

You'll never know.
The court sealed that report.

[♪ music concludes]

[gags] I'm coming, Momma!

Must untangle umbilical cord!

[pants] I see light!

I could take the squirming

if I didn't have to see
his hangy stuff.

[grunts] Oh! [whimpers]

[screams] I made it, Momma!
Hello, world! [laughs]

[wailing]

My, my.
What a big, strong voice.

Hello there. I'm Hal.

-[sighs]
-How you feeling?

Hot and dizzy and nauseous.

I called my mom
and she said

she felt like this
every day for nine months

and that's why
she never liked me.

I've been thinking
a lot about my mom's list.

-Oh, jeez.
-No, it's good. I realized

I haven't been fair to her.

She's got Dad to deal with,

Malcolm and Reese
are giant assholes.

She's older now.

She doesn't feed
on the chaos like she used to.

Wow. I'm so proud of you.

You've matured just in time
to be a dad.

Anyway, she's freaking out
about the money

she's spending at the party,

so I was thinking
we're doing okay.

We could help out.
Maybe our present

is that we kick in a thousand
dollars toward the party.

I think that's nice.
Wait a minute.

You're just trying
to move up her list.

One spot.

We're having a damn baby.

How is that not at least
top seven?

Yes, we're having a damn baby.

How can you still be so fixated
on your mother?

Because it's making me nuts!

Since the day I was born,

I've always been
her biggest problem.

The first-grade fires,
the summer camp riots,

the freshman plea deal.

She nearly went completely bald
from the stress I was causing.

-I don't know. I got used to it.
-And even recognizing

how futile
and self-destructive it is,

you're still gonna embrace
this insanity?

Yes, you get it! Love you.

[sighs]

Oh, my God, you said that?
You're so brave.

Yeah, you know I don't care
what those guys think.

You gotta float above it.
That's what I do.

It's easy when you're pretty.

I don't know. I think everyone
has stuff they worry about.

Is the cafeteria doing burgers
or stir fry on Monday?

Stir fry.
Monday's always stir fry.

I knew I'd be good at flirting.

-[knocking at the door]
-Come in!

[chuckles softly] Hi, honey.

Sorry again about this morning,
but I want you to know

I've done
some hard introspection,

and I'm in a calmer place now.

-Okay.
-I mean, I'm still heartbroken.

But I accept that it is over
between Tristan and me.

So now I'm sad.

But it's a healthy kind of sad
that I can work to get past

by focusing on the good things
in my life, like you.

I'm going to focus more on you.

-I'm actually fine with w--
-I know it's the last thing

a kid your age wants
is more time with Daddy.

But I had a great idea.

Do you remember
Old School Manny's?

-Yes.
-It's still open.

-We haven't been there in years.
-Oh, I love that place.

-Me too.
-The fries were amazing.

-They were disgusting.
-No! Really?

Everything about
that place was disgusting.

There was c*ck
in the bathroom.

The video games were sticky.

One time, I got a Band-Aid
in my sandwich.

I don't remember it like that.

Because you were little,
and it was our place.

We talked about school
and your dreams and...

Why Mom left if she loved me
so much.

Yeah, I never had a great answer
for that one.

But let's go to dinner tonight.
Me and you.

All right? They still have
Zombie m*ssacre III.

We can play, and tomorrow,
we'll compare nightmares.

That sounds great.

I'm really looking forward
to it.

[♪ whimsical music playing]

You can go back to talking
to that boy.

Can't wait.

[Kelly] You look nice and comfy.

I assume you're here
to beg for mercy?

No. Actually,
I'm here to thank you.

This whole thing has been
a real learning experience.

I learned
what you're capable of.

I learned that the desire
for revenge

can go way too far
and hurt someone.

I learned I'm comfortable
with that.

I learned your social
security number is 987654327.

I learned how to contact
the IRS anonymous tip line

about unreported video income.

[scoffs] I don't have
unreported income.

Then you'll be fine.

The IRS isn't going to listen
to a stupid teenager.

I worried about that too.
But Agent Miller said

the national debt
is 35 trillion dollars

and they'll listen to anybody.

O... Okay, you've won.

I've done this a long time,
so I know.

Hmm.

At this point, any revenge I try

is not just going
to be pointless.

It's also going to blow back
and hurt me.

And somehow, I'm still looking
forward to doing it.

I keep looking at this font.
I can't decide.

Is this celebratory, romantic,
or is this just cliched?

I'm running out of time.
What do you think?

I think I clock out
in five minutes.

Ten seconds later, I won't
remember this interaction.

Yeah, you're right.
It's cliched.

Hi, Abe. I have been
calling Hal all day,

and he's not answering.
Where are you guys?

-Lois, yes, yes.
-[Hal groaning]

Lovely to hear from you.

All ready
for your party tomorrow?

No, because I need Hal's help.
Where is he? Where are you guys?

I can hear the excitement
in your voice.

We are all looking forward
to it.

-Abe!
-[Abe] Yes,

we're just finishing up
our haircuts.

It's taking much longer
than we thought.

Mario is being overly precise.

[imitates radio static] Oops!
We're heading into a tunnel.

-[Hal speaking indistinctly]
-Barbershop... tunnel.

[groans]

I don't understand
how you look exactly like me

and so much better than me.

Even your socks.
I'll never have socks like that.

Hal, you have everything I have.
I'm you.

-[scoffs] Come on.
-[both chuckle]

I'm enjoying this,
but we are here to work.

Can you tell me about Hal?

From the moment
I had any self-awareness,

I have been gripped
by a pervasive fear.

Fear has been
my constant companion,

not as a condition
or an abstraction,

but something tangible,
embodied.

Interesting. Please, go on.

Like when I was seven,
and our whole house shook

and heaved with the weight
of my father's broken dreams.

Fear was already there,
almost like a big brother.

-Your fear?
-[teen Hal] Yeah, my fear.

Fear taught me things
I needed in life.

Always say yes,

because you'll probably
never get another chance.

And to never let go
of what you've got,

because anything can be taken
away from you like that.

That sounds like such
a hard way to live, Hal.

Oh, you bet.
Fear made it hard sometimes.

But I don't think
I would have gotten

anywhere in life
without his vigilance. Right?

Right. Anything worth doing
is worth doing in a cold sweat.

See? A tough lesson delivered
with kindness.

-Ah.
-Thanks, man.

-He reminds me of someone.
-Trent Reznor.

Ah, yes! [chuckles] Thank you.

Let's move on.
I think we're getting somewhere.

I... I used to think
that taking care of my kids

was my purpose.

The best, most important thing
I could ever do.

[chuckles] You know,
it really swallows up

every bit of your attention
and concern,

and plans for the future.

And?

And, uh, as every kid grew up
and moved out,

I had more and more bandwidth,
and...

I... I finally realized...

they didn't need me anymore.

So, no meaning...

no purpose.

I... [sniffles] I'm nothing.

Hal, you've been so focused
on your family's needs,

you never thought
about your own.

Your inner resources
are depleted

because you've never nourished
them.

I haven't thought about it
like that.

Hal, the key to this

is what they always tell you
on airplanes.

You have to put your
own mask...

on first.

Whoa!

[♪ upbeat music playing]

Hey, Piama and I can see

how stressed you are
about the party,

but we both think an achievement
like 40 years of marriage

needs to be celebrated,

so we're giving you
a thousand bucks toward it.

[gasps] Thanks.

Hi, this is Lois.

Is that upgrade
to the sound system

still available?
Fifteen hundred dollars, right?

Let's do it.

No. I gave you that to help
your money problems.

You're not supposed
to put yourself

another five hundred
in the hole.

I have to spend what I need
to make this the way I want.

And you need to stop obsessing
about the list.

-It's only a number.
-Then move me up one.

That's not how the list works.

You're only doing this because
you get some sort of sick thrill

out of making me feel small.

That's it. I am done.

You need to get a grip
on yourself

because I am not going
to indulge

in this stupidity anymore.

What's that?

It's just more party stuff
like all the other party stuff.

Huh.

Do not make a thing about this.

Booties? Little bunny booties?

Little bunny baby booties

for your widdle bunny
baby grandchild?

They were on sale,
and I can return them.

-I knew it was important to you.
-Go away!

What's my number now, Mom?
What's my number now?

So decapitation is back, back,
up, high kick, forward, down?

No, that pulls their hearts out
and stuffs it in their throats.

-Hmm.
-[chuckles]

You know, if you want, we can go
somewhere decent instead.

I don't care.

Anywhere I go with you
is the best place in the world.

Dad, quit it. Can you get my bag
from the back?

Sure.

[♪ upbeat music playing]

[grunts] What the hell? Ow!

What are you doing-- Oh!

-[whimpers]
-[grunts]

-Ow! Ow! Ow!
-[grunts]

[Malcolm]
Why would you do this to me?

[both grunt]

[♪ music continues]

[Malcolm groans]

[♪ music concludes]

I can't believe how much

I've learned from you already,
Perfect Hal.

I wish I was you.

You still don't get it,
Regular Hal.

I'm the you inside you.

You have to start
taking care of your own needs.

Create space for the best Hal
to grow and thrive.

You have to let go
of the people holding you back.

People?

Your family, Hal.
And their constant demands.

I love my family.

They're termites nibbling away
at your happiness.

Stop the nibbling, Hal.
They've got to go.

Go where?

[gasps]
You want me to k*ll them?

New ideas can be challenging.

And there's no growth
without pain.

But it doesn't have to be
you feeling that pain.

Oh, my God.
You're not Perfect Hal.

I was just dazzled
by your socks. You're Evil Hal.

[both grunt]

You're nothing but
a gorgeous monster! [grunts]

-[grunts]
-You're being ridiculous, Hal.

[skittle crash echoes]

-[grunts]
-You can't beat me!

-[typewriter dings]
-[Evil Hal grunts]

-[cat clock meows]
-[Hal grunts]

[Hal groans]

Hmm.

-[Evil Hal whispers] Bang.
-[groans]

[Evil Hal whistles]

[Hal pants]

[♪ music pauses]

-[♪ music resumes]
-[groans, wheezes]

[♪ music concludes]

You need to grow up, Hal.

You spent your entire life
pretending I didn't exist

because you knew
this would happen.

So, what do you want
to do first?

I think we start small.

Do the "success builds
on success" thing.

And how about the look?

Let's go with darker colors,
huh?

-I love you.
-What?

[chuckles softly]

I love you.

[scoffs]

-You're terrified of me.
-No, I'm not.

Well, there's nothing scary
about you.

I don't blame Fear.
He was trying his best, but...

hiding you away from me
just made you seem

more powerful than you are.

[voice pitch rising]
I am powerful!

No, you're needy
and insubstantial, and--

-Well, delicate.
-[pitch rises higher] Stop this!

One tiny little tile
of the mosaic of me.

Oh, I have hundreds
of different little Hals

inside me telling me things.

That's why
I'm so easily confused.

[Evil Hal in squeaky voice]
No! No!

-You'll be okay.
-[Evil Hal] No!

You'll have lots
of little friends.

-[Evil Hal screams] No!
-Oh, there, there.

I got you, buddy. Here.

[Manjushri]
Congratulations, Hal.

Ooh!

You vanquished the inner demon
and cast off false duality.

Well done.

Bodhisattva Manjushri
Kamarabhuta?

[clicks tongue]
Call me Arapachana.

How would I know who you are?
I wouldn't know that.

It's the collective unconscious.
Jung has a--

It's boring, don't worry
about it.

What's important is
that you are now worthy

of meeting your animal partner.

They will be your guide,
your mentor, and your guardian.

Where? [shrieks]

-[squeaks]
-What is that?

[squeaks]

Can't I get a wolf or a panther?

No one chooses
their animal partner.

It chooses you.

I mean,
I have a 12-foot blue lion,

but they're all great.

It's leading you somewhere.

-But...
-Hey, I'm not making you

do the mantras or contemplate
the five skandhas.

I'm not making you achieve
an inconceivable state

without obstruction or form.

We're cutting
a lot of corners here,

so just follow the rat.

-[♪ playful instrumental music playing]
-[rat squeals]

[Hal pants]

-[rat squeals]
-[pants]

Rat friend?

[♪ music concludes]

[♪ whimsical instrumental music
playing]

-[gasps, chuckles]
-[♪ music continues]

[gasps]

[gasps, chuckles]

That's it! That's it! I get it!

[shouts] Yes!

[♪ music concludes]

Okay, each of you, tell me again
what you're doing tomorrow.

Mom, come on, it's late.
We're tired.

We've gone over it.
We know what our jobs are.

Stop treating us
like half-witted toddlers.

This isn't about you
doing your jobs.

This is about managing
my anxiety.

I can't find your father,

and they sent me pillar candles
instead of taper candles,

so now I have to shave them
into the proper shape,

and wax is not
a forgiving medium.

I mean, look at this.
That's too tapered!

Obviously, I am losing it,
so please, let's just do this,

and then you can go
to sleep. Kelly.

Blow up balloons, then make sure
the tables are completely set

before I put out the favor bags.

-Piama.
-Check the rentals

against your list.
Verify there are no scratches

or dents before I give
those crooks one red cent.

-Francis.
-Make sure all 50 parking spaces

are clear.
Set up a separate supply area

and signage
for your signature c*ck,

the Fuzzy Lois
and the Halgarita.

-I'll keep working on the names.
-Thank you!

[Kelly] Halgarita, really?

-Hello.
-[Leah] Hi, Grandma. It's Leah.

I've got great news.

We're coming to your party
after all.

Dad just changed his mind
out of the blue.

-See you there.
-[groans] Please slow down.

I promise I won't try
to jump out again.

It's eleven more hours
to Grandma and Grandpa's.

-We're not slowing down.
-[groans]

Oh, move a little that way.

You're gonna get blood
on my dress.

That dress is a really good
color for you.

Thank you. And you're gonna
look amazing

in your outfit,
like a hot 18-year-old.

-[both chuckle]
-This is insanity!

You've committed
an actual kidnapping!

Does this mean
we're back together?

This is an intervention.

You're addicted to being
an idiot

and we are helping you.

You can't spend the rest
of your life

lying and hiding and denying
your family even exists.

It worked perfectly
until they showed up.

But Dad, stop. Please, stop.

You're not protecting me
from your family drama.

You're the one keeping it going.

I'm trying to be a good father.
I don't know...

If I should know something
and you keep it a secret,

you aren't saving me,
you're stealing from me.

My choice, my self-respect,
my trust in you.

Daddy, I need
all of those things.

[♪ pop song playing over radio]

Oh, my God. You're right.
You're completely right.

I am so sorry.

I should have told you..

All this secrecy
is just so toxic.

[♪ song continues]

Twelve years ago, I was arrested
for attempted m*rder.

-Whoa!
-Y... You what?

I didn't think
it was important to tell you

until we were serious,

and then with your whole
political thing,

I just didn't know
how to bring it up.

And it wasn't even m*rder.
I mean, I totally got off.

You tried to m*rder someone?
[gasps]

My mom was dating this guy

and one time he beat her up,
and I got him arrested.

But all of his buddies were cops
and he got out the next morning.

He came straight to my apartment
and kicked my door in,

-and I shot him.
-You know how to sh**t people?

-[Malcolm pants]
-Obviously!

When the cops came,
Jenna, my roommate,

told them what happened,
but all of his buddies

believed him,
and I got arrested.

-[scoffs] Cops.
-Yeah.

Yeah. It took a couple of weeks

for everyone
to figure out the truth

and dismiss the charges.

And by the way,
it took me a lot of work

to finally get
my arrest record sealed.

Okay. [exhales]

But it did get
in some newspapers.

And all over the internet.

Because I was naked
when I shot him. In the ba*ls.

You cannot lose this woman.

Wait. I remember.

-You're "Titty-Titty-Bang-Bang"?
-[chuckles]

[♪ upbeat music playing]

-[gasps]
-Drugs? Drugs?

-The party is tonight!
-Honey, I have great news!

-Get in the car!
-[Hal grunts]

If it's not one damn thing
it's another.

You are not going to beat me!

I had the most amazing
breakthrough.

-Not now. Carl, you still there?
-[Carl] Yeah.

You delivered
the wrong projector.

I specifically asked for 4K
at 2700 lumens.

You sent 2000 lumens at 1080p.

[Carl] What the hell
are you talking about?

I figured it out.
No one realizes it,

but I'm their birthday cake.

Everyone can take slices
of happiness from me

whenever they want.
And I never run out of slices.

That's who I am.
I'm an inexhaustible cake.

-You're not a cake. Carl?
-[Carl] Yep?

Here it is. Contract.
Page 2, item 10 63.

I want the right projector,
Carl.

Honey, are you worried
about that herd of buffalo

-coming up on your left?
-[Lois] Sweetheart, please.

-I'm busy.
-Okay, but they look kind of peevish.

[driver] I'm sorry.
Are you guys all right?

[Hal bellows like a buffalo]

Don't worry, honey,
I'm establishing dominance.

Honey?

[♪ rock music playing,
They Might Be Giants "Boss Of Me"]

♪ Yeah, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat
the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

[♪ music concludes]

[male voice] Yeah.