01x11 - Cut for Time (Season 1)

[bunniefuu]

(broadcast signal)

(retro muzak)

- What sounds did I silence in the edit?

Here's what got cut from

- [Sam and Audience] Make Some Noise!

(upbeat music)

- You asked for it and

so here it is again,

a very special, cut-for-time

episode of Make Some Noise.

And so I answer again,

"Why would I cut anything

out of these improv masterpieces?"

The answer, more or less,

to turn them into said masterpieces.

See improv is by its

very nature, a crapshoot,

which is why this episode

won't be everything I cut,

not by a long shot, but instead the stuff

that was on the bubble.

Firstly, because it was

just plain unsuccessful.

Most of these prompts

don't end in laughter,

but here is a rare

instance of one that did.

(upbeat xylophone riff)

Zac and Brennan.

- Okay, okay.

- A school paper and

the plagiarized version

of that same paper with

only a few words changed.

- To k*ll a Mockingbird

is the story not only

of a group of children

living in the American south,

but of the justice system that

they realize they will come

to inherit and the

strife that that brings.

(laughing)

uh (all laughing)

- To k*ll a Mockingbird is the story of

(laughing) children in America

uh, and

their times and, and, can

I read your part again?

their times and, and, can

I read your part again?

(all laughing)

Can you just read your part again?

- The character of

Atticus Finch stands tall

in the narrative of this story.

- The character of Atticus Finch

is the tallest man I've ever seen.

(laughing)

This guy's huge.

- Meanwhile, the figure

of Boo Radley looms

as a commentary and a metaphor.

- Boo! Did I Radley ya?

(all laughing)

- By following the legal drama unfolding

within the context of

a coming-of-age story,

we are able to paint a picture

of this part of American life.

- (sighs) Oh brother.

(all laughing)

- I'll cut you off there.

It turned out to be the prompt

of the student who could not successfully

plagiarize his classmate's paper.

- Probably more than a few

words off, I would say.

There's a moment when you started talking

where I was like, "Oh, I- I lost it."

- I fully lost it.

- Secondly, obscurity.

Because I felt the joke was too obscure,

too inside-baseball, too my

taste and my taste alone.

Here's Josh Ruben doing an impression

that's just for me, Brian

and SungWon answering

a very dry prompt, if I do say so myself,

and Jake and Vic doing a bit

of Hollywood industry humor.

(upbeat xylophone riff)

Josh, Christoph Waltz threateningly offers

to shovel your driveway.

- Hello, I notice it's getting

a little bit frosty outside,

- Hello, I notice it's getting

a little bit frosty outside,

so I thought maybe I'd

bring over a big metal piece

so I thought maybe I'd

bring over a big metal piece

of equipment and scrape

it all off to your liking

of equipment and scrape

it all off to your liking

to make it safe.

That's a bingo!

(all laughing)

Merry, Merry Christmas.

Don't forget the cream.

- Don't forget the cream?

- Don't forget the cream?

- It's a reference from

the first film that I did

with Quentin Tarantino,

Inglourious Basterds.

There was a scene when I said,

"Don't forget the cream,"

to Mélanie Laurent,

who is a great actress.

(all laughing)

- I'll take your word for it, Josh.

Brian and SungWon.

Two nerdy teens trade senator cards.

- [Caitlin] Oh my god.

- Yeah, I got the holographic McClintock.

I mean they haven't, they

haven't put out the holographic,

like any of the independents, right?

- Okay, but has it been

professionally graded

holographic McClintock or-

- I'm sorry, do you think

that I would not get

it professionally graded?

- I'll give you a McLeary, a McStephens,

and a non-holographic McNarens.

- You have the whole dang Irish set?

(Caitlin and Sam laughing)

I'll give you the holographic McClintock,

but there it is absolutely no way

that you're getting my McCain.

- I mean McCain's not worth

that much, but I mean-

- Oh!

- I can give you

some of the Scottish set

if you give me that McCain.

- Well, throw in a McLeary

and then I'll be doing that.

- McLeary?

- 'Cause I know you have that one

but you don't bring it to school.

- (laughing) I'll cut you off there.

Jake and Vic.

- (sighs) Yeah.

- A dialect coach and

the star of the movie,

"Bad British Accent."

- We're gonna hit some cues, okay,

and you're just gonna

repeat after me, all right?

- Great. I'm really excited

to be working with you.

- Congratulations on the role,

it's huge, it's huge.

- Hey, thank you!

It's my first big one.

- All right, you ready?

- Yes.

- It's simply too much.

- Okay, can, sorry, can you

give me that one more time?

- It's simply too much.

- [Both] It's simply too much.

- I'm feeling Italian.

- Okay, you want to, it's

all in the soft palette

and then the air's going out

of the nasal.

- Out of there.

- [Both] Simply too much.

- You don't have to say it the same time

as me.

- Oh, sorry.

- You can just like, it's

sort of like, you hear it

and then you try it.

- Sure, I'm nervous!

- It's fine, you're doing great!

- You're very talented.

- You got the part.

- I know, I know, okay, okay, yeah.

- I won't be having this much any longer.

- I won't be having this much any longer.

- Okay, you see how you,

you're trying to throw it,

but don't throw it, swallow it.

- Say that one more time?

- Well which one's my mother?

- Which one's my mother?

That felt a little better.

Am I still throwing it?

`- You're throwing it, you're throwing it.

I'm supposed to also

- I'm trying to think

about soft pallette.

- be positive as a coach.

Uh-huh, that's a tongue

thing, it's not a jaw thing.

- Simply, okay, okay!

(Jacob exclaims)

- She's got it, she's got it.

- Do it again, do it again.

- It's simply too much.

- It's simply too much.

- Yes, good, good, good.

- Oh okay, yeah!

- You kinda wanna imagine

like you're a wind sock

that's going to get blown away.

- Well my character works on a wind farm.

- Mm, what is the movie again?

- (laughing) And I'll cut you off there.

The most remarkable thing about that scene

was you did get better

doing what he was doing.

(all laughing)

Third, copy cats.

Because since the sh**t, I

found the same joke elsewhere.

Look we all feed from the

same comedy trough of ideas

and there's no shame in doing something

that's been done before.

There's only shame in

allowing it into the edit.

Here's Josh doing a Make No Noise bit

I later found Fred Armisen

doing exactly on Conan,

Lisa and Mary doing a

prompt I later realized

was an old CollegeHumor

sketch that I had greenlit,

Ross and Anna doing

something I later realized

was too similar to another

Make Some Noise bit

from the same season, and,

finally, Brennan and Zac

doing a prompt I finally

felt was too reminiscent

of one of their greatest hits.

Enjoy.

(upbeat xylophone riff)

For this, we are going to mix things up.

This is Make No Noise.

Joshua!

(Josh grunts)

- Fast-motion footage of an animal carcass

being eaten by bugs.

Oh god! (laughing)

Josh, that's gonna haunt me.

That's gonna haunt my nightmares.

Lisa and Mary, two flight attendants

prepare their passengers

for any scenario possible.

- Hi guys, welcome on

board American Airlines.

It's so nice to have you with us today.

- Please take your seat

and if you're going

through a breakup or anything like that,

you can ask us for Kleenex at any time.

We'll also talk you through what it's like

if a boyfriend cheats

on you with someone else

that you know that's

a really close friend.

- If you pee your pants,

don't worry about it.

We'll actually come around,

we've got a couple diapers

in the back, we'll give you a little wipe,

and we'll clean you right up.

- That's right, and if

you were playing tennis

at any point this afternoon

and you hurt your elbow,

your nose, your knees, or your toes,

we can come on by.

We have cool packs, ice packs,

and little tensor bandages.

- Yeah, if you have an

elephant in the cargo below,

just know that we are taking

great care of your elephant.

We're feeding it hay,

we're feeding it peanuts,

we're teaching it tricks. (laughing)

- Did you go to the salon

and you got a hair color

that you didn't like?

The blonde came off a little bit bronze-y?

We can come around and tell

you, "Hey girl, it looks good."

- And if you decide you

kinda wanna go skydiving,

that's cool with us, that's

absolutely fine with us.

We just hope that you, you know,

use the safety protocols that we've asked

and you can just kind of pop open one

of the doors and just pop on out.

- That's right, and if

you have your period,

we don't have tampons.

- Yeah, thank you.

- Thank you.

- Anna and Ross.

Announcing Thanksgiving Day Parade floats,

but the mushrooms are kicking in.

- Another beautiful year here

at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

- That's right, Diane.

Just when I think they

can't top themselves,

they go and do it again.

And look here, it's Mr. Snoopy the Dog.

Snoopy the Dog is decked

out in Christmas gear

because he's heralding

in that time of year.

- The vibes from Snoopy

(Sam laughing)

are crazy.

- Yes, Snoopy is hanging in the air,

suspended as though in a liquid.

(all laughing)

The air is the same as

some liquids, chemically.

- I feel like that Snoopy kinda

looks like my uncle Michael.

- You know when Snoopy

fights the Red Baron?

- Yes.

- Isn't it messed up that

we make dogs go to w*r?

(laughing)

- Right?

- Oh my God, it's a turkey.

- Hello, big turkey, I'm Anna.

You look like my uncle Michael.

- (laughing) I'll cut you off there.

Zac and Brennan.

One half of this couple

put a lot more work

into writing their wedding

vows than the other.

- You are more than a partner.

You are everything to me.

For the rest of my life,

I will spend every day

in the earnest attempt to

make my time a testament

to how you have completed me.

There is nothing I

cherish more in this world

than your love and your time.

- One time you farted

and it was pretty narsty.

(Josh and Sam laughing)

And the fact that we didn't

break up must mean something.

And the fact that we didn't

break up must mean something.

I love you?

- (laughing) Oh, I'll cut you off there.

- [Josh] Narsty!

Fourth, everyone's favorite

category, bad taste.

Now showing you this stuff

rather defeats the point

of cutting it out, so here

we'll just skim the surface.

Here's Josh giving us

something I finally felt

was a touch crude, Jacob doing the same,

and finally a Ross,

Anna, and Jacquis prompt

that Jacquis took

completely off the rails,

shown with his permission, of course.

(upbeat xylophone riff)

Josh, an adult from

Peanuts having phone sex.

(Josh flirting in gibberish)

(Josh getting aroused in gibberish)

(Josh moaning in gibberish)

(Josh moaning and screaming in gibberish)

(Josh orgasming in gibberish)

- (poof) You know what I mean?

- Oh wow, Josh.

You know, it's exactly what I asked for

and so I don't know why I'm doing this,

but negative one point for you.

(Brennan and Zac laughing)

- (in gibberish) What?

- Jake, a nude model can't help

but talk to the class about their scars.

- Hi, everybody.

(Jacob grunts)

(Sam and Zac laughing)

- Oh, this, this? Yeah, it's a skin graft.

I was in northern Thailand,

bit of a moped incident.

I was going to a waterfall,

it got a little slick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Thai hospitals.

That's why it's a different color,

you know, they just don't,

it doesn't graft the same.

What do you see when you look at it?

See Michigan, right?

Kinda looks like Michigan?

Looks like a state right there, yeah.

Yeah.

That's from badminton.

(all laughing)

That's a badminton

incident. It was the racket.

Myanmar, I was in Myanmar

playing badminton.

(groans) Spent a lot of

time in South East Asia.

That was the wrong- I'm in the wrong room?

- (laughing) And I'll cut you off there!

Just in front of bunch

of kids learning algebra?

(Jacob laughing)

Ross, Jacquis, Anna.

America's Got Talent judges

judging the craziest act

they've ever seen.

- (prolonged groan of

confusion and disgust)

I'm gonna be real with you, dawg.

- Oh man!

- That was the worst sh*t

I ever seen in my life.

- Is your leg okay?

I see bone.

- It seemed to me at first as

though it was unintentional.

- Yeah.

- And then you just started

manhandling that little bone.

(laughing)

- That was so bad

that I might put myself

back in the sl*ve trade

and go back to-

- What?

- That's how bad it was, man.

I might put myself as that-

- Is that an option?

- This is so bad that I, you know,

I don't wanna be free here no more

because this ain't freedom.

- I can't believe I'm saying this,

but watching what you

did also made me want

to amend, amend the Constitution.

(all laughing)

- I didn't, I don't wanna do that.

- If Abraham Lincoln would've been like,

"The Emancipation Proclamation"-

- Again, I don't support that.

- [Ross] I don't, I can't.

- [Anna] I can't get behind that.

- It is about to be passed.

- I'll cut you off there.

(all laughing)

Jacquis, you can expect an email from me

about whether or not you really

wanna put that in this show.

(all laughing)

Ross is like, "Yeah, I'm

gonna join this bit."

Anna's like, "I'm not

gonna join this bit."

- I said, "Not for me,

not for me to join."

- Finally, evenness.

You see, when I cut a prompt,

I cut two more prompts

from that same round in order

so that rounds feel even.

We sh**t 25 prompts per

episode of Make Some Noise

We sh**t 25 prompts per

episode of Make Some Noise

and only 15 to 20 make

it into the episode,

which yes, is brutal, but so is showbiz.

(upbeat xylophone riff)

Brennan, a Venetian gondolier's song

is clearly angling for a tip.

- Huh, this is your first time in Venice?

Well, let me welcome you!

The city of dreams

where everything seems ♪

So beautiful if you can afford it ♪

We go through the night

and you see the lights ♪

And remember ♪

My salary is dependent on

tips, it's below minimum wage.

I do have a family.

You come from the west

and you look for love ♪

You come from the west

and you look for love ♪

And so I will stop ♪

Until you give me at least 200 lira,

which is very affordable.

The boat won't move until

I see some indication

that I am not busting

my a*s for no reason.

- Oh my God, give him a tip, Harold.

(Sam laughing)

- Jacquis and Anna.

A couple one week from breaking

up goes grocery shopping.

- I was thinking soup tonight.

- Whatever.

- I said I was thinking soup tonight.

- Okay, yeah, we can get Progresso.

I was thinking (quietly)

we can see other people.

(Sam and Ross laughing)

- What?

Did you literally just say,

"I was thinking we see other people"

as I was bringing up soup for dinner?

- Will you stop screaming

at me in the middle

of this Ralph's?

- Gaslighting.

That's gaslighting. You're

gaslighting me in Ralph's?

- No, stop, lower your voice.

- I'm getting soup materials

and you don't have to have any of it.

- I won't, I love your

soup, I love your soup.

- You just like my p*ssy.

- I just don't

love you anymore.

Yes, I do like your p*ssy.

- I'll cut this off here.

I think there were three

people in that scene.

There was Jacquis, Anna, and Anna's finger

and they were all, they

all had equal air time.

Caitlin.

- Hi.

A YouTuber doing a CTA, but you can tell

she's barely keeping it

together emotionally.

- Um, thank you for watching my

(sorrowful) bouclé sofa DIY tutorial.

If you want to, please

smash that subscribe button

and like the video and next week I will

be doing a video on how to grow,

regrow, your house plants back thank you.

- If more YouTubers used the

pity vote, I would subscribe

to way more things.

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Brennan.

- Mhm.

A pilot pointing out landmarks,

but it's a little

worrying how he's going on

about our relative insignificance.

- All right, passengers, we've turned off

the fasten seatbelt sign as we've reached

our cruising altitude of 35.000 feet.

Go ahead and take a look out

the left side of the aircraft,

you'll see the beautiful Grand Canyon,

one of nature's most wonderful monuments.

Monument, intended to stand for something,

a living memory, and sort of

wonder, who will remember us?

Who will remember us?

Old Chuck Dabbins

flew for Spirit Airlines

'cause he got drummed outta

Delta for hitting a kid.

(laughing)

- [Brennan] All right

I'll cut you off there, Brennan.

- What trees are saying to each other

through their root systems.

- I think I have every kind of pee on me.

(laughing)

- I know this is paranoid. I

know it's probably not true.

- Okay.

- I think there's an animal in me.

- What?

- You say that every time.

- No, no, no, no, no,

listen, listen, listen,

for real, for real, for real.

- Greg, you say it every time-

- There's an animal in me now, right now.

It could be a squirrel,

it could be a bird.

I don't know 'cause I don't have eyes!

- Listen, as someone who has a family

of owls nestled deep inside,

I am comforted by the fact

that I am someone's home.

Greg, you're being too paranoid,

just commit to being someone's home, okay?

- (gasps) Oh God, what was that?

Oh my God, that was a frost.

That was frost, winter's here again!

- No!

- Oh no!

- Oh my God, everyone,

f*cking drop your leaves,

drop all your leaves!

(all groan)

- Oh, God.

- I actually, sorry guys, that,

I think that may have

been an ice cream truck.

- Well f*ck me.

- And I'll cut you off there.

Ross and Jacquis.

A post-game interview with

the player who came on,

threw up, passed out,

and was carried away.

(Anna and Ross laughing)

- We're here with Ross James,

distant cousin to LeBron James,

who played his first NBA game today.

Why won't you tell us uh

what the f*ck happened?

- Yeah, not a good day for me.

(laughing)

Showed a lot of hustle, a lot of heart,

but gotta be honest, this

is purely a nepotism thing.

I am here because of my family.

Really thought that, you

know, grit and determination

could carry me through.

Turns out, you need talent.

And I hit the court,

immediately became lightheaded,

pretty intimidating.

(laughing)

Barfed in my mouth a little

bit and then the barf

continued to flow from there.

- Now, despite all of that,

you guys still had a chance

to win the game at the buzzer

and LeBron passed you the ball

and you were right under

the rim, nobody around you.

What happened?

- At that time, I was

waving and screaming,

"Please no, don't. Please, I beg you."

He was deaf to my pleas

and passed me the ball.

I caught it by the grace of

God and proceeded to dunk it

into a nearby Gatorade bucket.

(laughing)

Slipped on the Gatorade, got a concussion,

don't know whether or not this is a dream.

(Sam and Anna laughing )

- I will cut you off there,

you two.

That does it for us

here at Make Some Noise,

but worry not!

More Game Changer is

just around the corner.

And after that, more Make Some Noise

in a never ending cycle that

I like to call my life now.

It is a privileged life, a

life spent watching my friends

be funny, and it's all thanks to you.

It is, as ever, an honor to

be your host in residence.

Thank you for watching.

(jazzy music ends)