01x01 - The German Robot

[bunniefuu]

You're a f*ck' joke.

What did you say?

You're a f*ck' joke.

I've been pullin' all-nighters

to get this thing

up and running.

More like pulling

your d*ck.

All these hours

don't count as O.T.

so don't try

loggin' 'em.

Looks like

watery dog sh*t.

You throw this weld

in with a slingshot?

I think it looks

pretty f*ck' good

considering I haven't been

on the tools in years.

Yeah, it's been years since

you almost k*lled somebody.

That was a long time ago.

I was an apprentice.

Nobody got hurt.

You need to come up

with new material.

And you need to

build a flare stack.

Corporate's up my a*s.

We're behind.

I'm embarrassed.

And you're givin' a million

dollar machine a Redneck revamp.

Are you insane?

You approved the order.

You know we need this thing.

I approved it 'cause I wanted

to see you look like a dickwad

trying to convince your crew

that that's a good idea.

Well, that is f*cked up!

Look, I know I'm

hard on you, man.

You got promise.

But don't think I don't know

that you're gunning for my job.

I am not.

This machine is the future.

It'll help me and my

boys in the long run.

It'll save our bodies.

It'll catch us up in all

those insane deadlines.

f*ck' better.

f*ck' will.

f*ck' better!

It f*ck' will!

f*cking better!

What's up Teabag?

Todd:

Hi, boys!

Mornin'

You know, jeans are

marketed as this like,

super comfy go

everywhere garment,

but they're f*ck' not!

Comfort first, dude.

Yeah, you know what?

I'm goin' to

work in sweats.

I'm not trying to

sabotage myself.

But they can't fire me.

Audrey:

Snax, it's not

a pattern, dude.

No. So I've

left a few jobs.

Like, so what?

Twelve?

No f*cking way

it's twelve.

I don't believe you.

Raccoona matata, Snax.

You staying the

f*ck outta my bins?

Hey. Oh, what the hell, Auds?

Did you shave

in my hot tub?

Bro, just chill.

Just my pits.

Have you even slept?

Have you?

I've been busy.

Yeah.

Is he cute?

The Metallsicherung 1200

is not cute,

it's a sexy, futuristic

German welding machine.

Whoa.

Low impurities,

minimal slag,

transition between auto

and welder operated.

What do your guys

think about that?

Well, they should be pumped.

This town needs to

get with the times.

Yeah, makes sense.

You break your back

at work every day

and I sling jeans

for a living.

We've turned

into our parents.

Billy:

Ding ding ding,

who's ready for

round two?

Do that thing

with my pinky.

Oh f*ck.

Had no idea you

were here, ah

Todd:

Right.

This is yours.

Yep.

I don't touch your stuff.

Generally. Just, um

Oh, whole family's here, huh?

It's your shorts too.

Ah, I didn't have any so I just,

you know, I'll wash 'em.

My d*ck's barely

touched the mesh.

No, no. You keep

those actually.

Really? Like a gift?

Thanks. Cool, ah, yeah.

Lemme track down a beer.

Seriously? That dude?

Audrey:

What? When there's

no Mr. Right,

at least there's

Mr. Right Now.

More like Mr. Steal

Your Catalytic Converter

While You Sleep.

Here. PH levels are

all outta whack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chlorine, de-scaler and

stay out of it for 24 hours

or it'll melt my t*ts off.

I know the f*ck' drill.

Todd:

Unbelievable.

Shut up.

Every g*dd*mn morning.

Billy:

Nothing beats a refry.

f*ck' hell.

Hey man.

Wanna gimme a ride?

Did you bang in

my hot tub, again?

Ahhh, it was half in

half out mostly but, ah,

whaddaya say?

You wanna hook me up?

Just goin' as

far as my place.

So what's going on

with you and my sister?

What?

Do you like my sister?

Hobby horse have

a wooden d*ck?

Oh.

Ah dude. Come on.

Sorry. Brakes.

I don't know.

Geez. Started a fire.

Audrey's great, man.

She's good. She's good,

you know.

Got a lot goin'

on for her.

No kids. No husband.

Got a good job.

Are you back at work yet?

Nah. Still on disability.

Keep pullin' my back out.

Billy:

Whoa!

Hot rod, man.

End of the line.

What?

Sorry, the

brakes are f*cked.

But

What the hell, man!

You know I don't

live around here!

Jimi:

Have a good day.

Got a newbie.

Huh.

What do we got here?

What the f*ck is that?

How old is that?

Did you, your grandfather

give you that?

What is that?

What are you gonna hang

some pictures? Huh?

You gonna take photos? Huh?

What are you gonna

do with that?

Oh.

- Nothin'.

Tools are like condoms.

The cheap ones will break

and they will f*ck you up.

All right?

Will f*ck you up, right?

Now sign here.

- Yep.

Hey, talkin' to you.

Jimi!

- Hey Todd.

Hey. I don't wanna see your a*s.

Don't show me your a*s.

Don't show me your a*s.

What's up Tuna?

Scooter!

Hey, you guys ever

seen a virgin before?

Wave to the virgin.

f*ck' nerds.

We willingly carry around

the surveillance devices.

They know where we

go and what we say.

I mean, a f*ck'

welding machine?

Really?

Head-to-head I can

out-do that thing.

Backwoods:

My a*s!

Fifty bucks says the robot

mops the floor with ya.

What do ya think Big Nate?

I will take that heat.

Beautiful!

Taser:

You know what else is weird?

I was ordering weed

online last night

and they asked me to verify

that I'm not a robot.

Are they worried that the

robots are buying the weed?

Buying weed.

Taking jobs?

It's only a matter of time 'til

we're all down on all fours

sucking protein pellets

out of a robot's d*ck.

Yeah, you f*ck

got me good!

Well, ya reap what

you sow, don'tcha?

Yep.

Backwoods:

I kinda like it.

I thought it was classy.

Steph:

Oh, thank you.

I also got the

rookie pretty good.

Hmm?

You suck rookie!

sh*t.

Here comes the

robot overlord.

Keep it down.

He doesn't

know that we know.

Guys!? Really?

Just testin' the gear in

sub-zero temperatures.

Safety first!

Yes!

- That's good.

You boys wanna

see somethin'?

You can't tell anyone.

Not a soul.

My word is my bond.

Todd:

This thing is amazing!

It can root, fill, cap and even

picks up on a shitty fit-up!

With this thing we're

guaranteed to hit our targets.

This thing is a flying

piece of horse sh*t!

Taser:

Looks like it's gonna

rip my cheque in half

is what it looks like.

Guys, we use tools.

This is just a tool.

It's a piece of equipment,

Homer:

Bag-licking, moron!

This is how we all

turn into automatons!

You did not think

this through.

Karen:

I got the receipt.

They're perfectly good.

I still got time

to return 'em.

I just don't like

the way they look.

But ya did once.

So some kind of personality

change since then or?

If there's no damage

we'd be glad to

take them back.

I think she crapped them.

I did not!

Audrey, I've warned you!

I'm being serious.

Look inside, that's sh*t!

Steph:

Ah, ladies?

Do you mind?

My lunch is over in twenty.

Are you insinuating that I

took a sh*t in these jeans?

No I am straight

up accusing you.

Lady, you've got a

tummy problem, okay?

Your bowels are probably

destroyed by every fad diet

that's aimed at the

Karen demographic.

You had, what,

a couple of kids?

Pelvic flooring ain't

what it used to be,

I feel for you,

but it's not this

company's fault, okay.

Blame nature.

I just don't see how this

is any of your business.

Well, you're

holding up the line

and she's not allowed

to say anything.

She won't say anything.

So why don't you go buy

some vinegar and peroxide

and call it a day, okay?

Here's your diaper.

I'm not leaving this store

until these are refunded.

End of story.

Good luck with mud slide.

Audrey.

- What?

Don't you have anything to

say to our valued customer?

Yes.

Yeah, I certainly do. Yeah.

Ah

f*ck you both.

I quit.

Yeah. Huh! I quit!

Hey, hold on!

Wait up, wait up!

Hey, who are you?

What do you do?

I'm Steph. I'm in safety.

Cool.

Um, I'm Audrey.

I'm currently unemployed.

Ah, are you at Conch?

Yeah, isn't everyone?

Yeah.

Do you know Todd?

Todd Stool?

Yeah, of course.

That's my bro.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

I love Tater-Todd.

Yeah. Oh, me too.

Homer:

That's how it ends

for all of us.

I mean, first they

bring the robots in

to prove we're inefficient,

that's f*ck' obvious.

I mean, billion dollar

company like this

and you don't think they

have motion detection

and facial recognition

cameras out there?

Pshtt.

Next, it's the microchips

and when we refuse,

they bring in

even more robots.

And then beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep.

All of a sudden it's an

all-robot plant, baby.

None of this sh*t

leaves this truck

or else I'll know it's you.

Hey, FYI Homer,

your radio's hot.

Did you hear all of that?

Who else is there?

Don't worry, bro.

It's Taser.

I'll keep a lid on it.

Thanks, buddy.

Robots are never good.

Search engines,

typing emails,

now it's welding.

I tried to hand write

my name the other day,

it looked like a

f*ck' tree wrote it.

They're gonna take away

our means to live.

All our toys. Gone.

I'll have to sell

my water bed.

He'll-he'll have to

sell his two ATVs.

And this f*ck' dude'll

have to downsize his truck.

I ain't selling my truck.

So answer to this

robot bullshit.

Okay. Yes, it's true.

The company bought

a welding robot.

With a purpose!

Not just to catch

us up on speed,

but it'll help us avoid

injuries, accidents, all of it!

You didn't mean

to f*ck us,

but it's gonna hurt.

Catch all that, Homer?

Homer :

According to a corporate

email thread started by Bennett,

Todd is responsible,

knew I couldn't trust him.

Okay, every,

everybody calm down!

What the f*ck?!

That's nice!

Todd:

Wow, that was fast.

Employee :

Hey, boss man.

Look, I hate to do

this to you Bennett,

but my mom's cat's been

vomiting for two weeks now.

Both ends.

I just can't leave

the thing alone, man.

It just wants to be held.

Anyway, you can imagine how

much a diabetic cat weighs,

you know?

You know, plus I got that

hernia and stuff, you know.

Real sorry about this.

I'll be talking to

you tomorrow maybe.

Does this look like

someone with a diabetic cat?

I think you mean, does it

look like someone with a hernia?

Total lack of

g*dd*mn commitment.

That's why your robots

are gonna replace us.

The robot is here to help.

Like, why can't you

people understand this?

What do you mean

"you people"?

You bus-chucked me

with that email you sent.

I never told you to

order that machine.

You approved the

f*ck' payment!

That's your problem, Todd,

you think my job is easy.

It's not all sippin'

coffee and checkin' emails.

Todd:

Clearly.

I mean, you're not even

trying to hide it anymore.

That's for my keyboards.

Unlike you, I like to

keep my workplace tidy.

And what are these?

These are vitamins, I guess?

Bennett:

Yeah, they are vitamins.

This one's for sleepy time.

This one's for makin' love.

This one

is for when I'm sad.

You need to

f*ck' chill, man.

Your brain, your d*ck,

your eyeballs,

they're all gonna explode.

Ah f*ck.

A little coke will help.

Why would you think

this is cocaine?

I don't know, white powder

in a little baggie?

It's too early in the

morning for cocaine.

You f*ck' idiot

Into some, ah, arts

and crafts now are ya?

You know, I finally figured out

what's wrong with you, Toddler.

Todd:

What's that?

You don't know if you

want to be like me,

or if you want

to be like them.

Todd:

f*ck you, Bennett.

I'll take the blame

for the robot.

I don't give a sh*t.

Wrong. You give

too many shits.

As long as I'm

here at this desk,

you'll be down there with

the grunts eatin' sh*t.

Is that right?

You know how hard I have to

work to get you to do my job?

Don't you think

you've had enough?

You ain't nothing

Look at ya,

you're a g*dd*mn mess.

You ain't nothing but a

Todd:

You okay?

f*ck. Come on, get up.

Stop messing around.

Jesus Christ.

Bennett? Hello?

What are you doing?

Get up.

Oh sh*t!

Are you okay?

Bennett, talk to me.

Oh f*ck.

Bennett. Bennett.

f*ck!

Come on. Come on.

Where's the f*cking phone?

I got a f*ck' emergency!

Surprised it

took this long.

That dude had

some demons.

Do I need to

talk to the cops?

No cops.

We don't like cops.

Wait, so does this mean

I'm Site Manager now?

Well, you've always been the

"unofficial" Site Manager.

You know, Bennett's out.

You're in.

Light the fire

in your gut.

Let your ba*ls drop.

Is everyone still pissed

at me about the robot?

Medhi:

Probably.

Good luck with that.

Yeah, if you

wanna stay local,

you basically have

three choices.

You could do

more retail

Mmm.

The trades or

sell your body.

The original trade.

Yeah, it's respectable.

Audrey:

Okay, so what should I be?

Should I be

an electrician,

a pipe fitter

or a painter?

Well, I'd say lose the

tinsel and try the carpenters.

They're taking in

anyone off the street.

That's what my daddy

did actually. Yeah.

And he always said "stay away

from hammers and heartbreakers,"

so I never thought

I stood a chance.

Yeah, well, your daddy

had a point once,

but the workforce

is 3.9% chicks now.

You wanna push

us over four?

I don't know.

Can I do safety?

Oh f*ck no, no.

No. f*ck that.

You don't wanna do my job.

I basically babysit

all the trades

and make sure they

don't k*ll themselves.

Yeah, but your-your lunch

break was over an hour ago.

Mm-hmm.

And someone will

clock me out.

Wow.

Steph:

Right?

You got a sweet gig, Steph.

Yeah, I mean,

pay is decent too.

I mean, it ain't

"f*ck you" money but

it'll cover the round.

Actually sounds like

a f*ck' good time.

Cheers to that.

Ooh.

Today is a good day.

You taking my

Women's Under 30's?

Maybe.

Dude, read the bottle.

You might have to

go bra shopping.

Which one screams management?

I dunno, the blue one.

Guy, your life is sweet, okay.

You got your sh*t together.

You have four

identical blue shirts.

You have two families.

Me and Dad and your guys.

I feel like the more

I try to please everyone,

I end up pleasing no one.

Well, the robot

isn't the problem.

It's the change

that comes with it.

What does Dad always say?

Don't be a p*ssy?

No, the other one.

If it ain't broke,

don't fix it.

Hey Audrey!

- f*ck.

Auds! Hey, whaddaya say, girly?

A little poke and a smoke?

I have plans.

You're not in 'em.

Okay, that's-that's cool.

Thanks.

Todd:

When you went down,

I totally froze.

Then I started thinking

about all the times

you f*cked with me.

And a part of me wanted

you to kick the bucket.

Tryin' to finish the job?

What are you doing here?

That didn't sound

like much of a denial.

Bennett's still a slimy

piece of filthy sh*t

but we still

got him covered.

Todd:

That's what that was.

I saw you all talking

in the yard earlier

and I just, I thought,

I don't know.

You thought it

was about you?

Holy f*ck, man.

Oh come on. Pay up.

Cheap!

Still f*ck' cheap!

Todd:

Here.

f*ck.

Thing is, there's no next

of kin that we know of.

Could just pocket it all.

Todd:

Gimme that.

Fer f*ck sakes.

Damn you and your

fine morals.

I f*cked up, didn't I?

Bringin' in the

Metalschlong,

chasing the promotion.

Backwoods:

Dude, corporate don't give

a sh*t about me, you or him.

Not understanding that is the

biggest mistake you're making.

That's it.

You're totally

f*ck' right.

Thanks, brother.

I love you, brother.

You'll be fine.

You know what?

Here's what you should do.

Put your d*ck in his hand,

take a picture.

When he wakes up,

you got somethin' on him.

You're welcome.

Huh.

A Metallsicherung 1200.

Todd:

You got it, Medhi!

Yeah.

This machine is not

here to replace us.

This machine is a tool,

no different than

an angle grinder,

a broom.

You're a tool, Stool!

Okay, enough talk.

Todd:

Oh, this can't be good.

Oh my God!

What's goin' on?

That was not

supposed to happen!

Homer:

Backwoods, you owe

me fifty bucks!

Yep. And that, folks,

is what German precision

engineering looks like.

Homer:

Now let's get a brewsks.

I can't believe I stayed

late for this sh*t.

I don't know what happened.

So weird.

Well that's that.

You think they bought it?

One hell of an

acting performance.

Yes!

Huh?

Good to have you back, brother.

Happy Friday, my friend!

Let's get drinkin'.

I'm not sure Snax

understands work politics.

I don't know, man.

But it's not like

they build sh*t.

I mean, they move into

attics, under decks.

They're scavengers.

I joined the

Carpenters today.

f*ck off!

Yep. I'm done resisting.

I'm sick of working

eight hours a day

and earning minimum wage

dealing with other

people's sh*t.

Literally.

This way I can start

paying you some rent.

Hell, maybe I can even

get my own place.

Like what happens if you have

a kid or get a girlfriend?

Why did you say

it in that order?

I'm not gonna be

a burden anymore.

How'd it go with

your robot today?

Oh that. Ha.

What did you do?

Ah, nothin'.

I actually might have

pissed away my future.

Chelsea :

I'm just pulling in now.

I'll contact you

once I know more.