01x03 - realcontent.crap

[bunniefuu]

Go, go, go, go! ♪

WOMAN [on video]: Cassandra when

your mother calls you a dumb sl*t,

she is reclaiming

the term, okay?

Alex! Your interview is

in one hour.

- Why are you not prepared?

- I'm going, I'm going.

It was the reunion finale.

Planting you at Aggregon

as a mole

is our best chance

to stop their plot

to destroy the universe.

My only plot for

destroying the universe

is this a*s.

What could have distracted you

from such an important mission?

- Reality television?

- Hell yes.

Other people being

messy disasters

makes me feel okay that this is

the only blazer I own.

[gasping]: Give me that,

give me all of this.

It all has to be gone

before my parents come

for the Agony Solstice.

What is the Agony Solstice?

Only the biggest holiday

in their cult, or

highly specific religion:

The Church of the Savior's

Unthinkable Torment.

It is a shame that you are

a grown woman

who has to hide who she is.

- Oh, so you're really a talking red panda

- [vibrator humming]

not a god who needs

the help of two idiots

- to keep your own universe from being destroyed?

- Touché.

I'm out of here, too.

Hey, feel free to keep watching.

You might dig it.

Thank you, but I doubt that.

♪

They're housewives,

but they're real?

HOUSEWIFE [on video, slurring]: You're

saying th-that I have a drinking problem?

- [laughs drunkenly]

- Oh, this is horrible!

- [glass shatters]

- Little help. [hiccups]

I love it.

And our latest experiment

down on floor -44

is going perfectly.

Please do let me know

when you've decided to finish

wasting my time.

Hear you loud and clear.

Status report complete.

So, do you have any feedback,

or should we be bad

and go out for martinis?

Get out.

Uh-uh, absolutely.

Of course.

Hmm, you're here

for the job interview.

Well, it's an entry-level

content creator position.

Do you have any experience

creating content?

I have a Twitter,

and on good days

I get maybe 12 to 17 likes.

Hmm. You're hired.

- That's it?

- There's openings in the department,

thanks to an exciting new

initiative of mine.

- Now sign this.

- Oh, my God. Awesome.

Oh, sh**t, I forgot.

There's room for salary

negotiations, right?

Oh, too late.

You already signed.

But let's circle back

in a year. Okay?

This is the Data Mining

department.

There's the Sweatshop

Liaison office.

And that's

the Panic/Breast Feeding room.

Oh, um, hey, what does

this company do, exactly?

A little bit of streaming,

a little bit of shipping,

a little bit of resource

exploitation; the usual.

Right now, though,

we're really focused

on "alternative energy sources."

Like light bulbs?

Like humans.

[chuckles]: Yeah.

Welcome to Outrage.

You'll start by

brainstorming chum.

You know, the nonsense links

at the bottom of our websites

that lead to our other,

shittier websites.

Like realcontent.crap?

It's fun to see what

Patrick Swayze's son

- looks like now.

- Right.

But these days we lead

solely with outrage.

More rage, more clicks.

Have you ever written

outrage content before?

No, but I'm a black

millennial woman

with 85K in student loan debt,

- so I'm sure I can figure it out.

- Inspiring.

I'm late for a fish egg facial,

so watch and learn to start.

Ronald Reagan said what?

Has the ♪MeToo movement

gone too far?

I'll say it.

Mitch McConnell turns me on.

Oh, that's good.

What else you got?

Climate change isn't real,

but it does cause autism.

- Wow. - Genius.

- Really good.

How are you so good at this?

- [knock on door]

- Aah!

Ah, a miserable Agony Solstice

to you.

Yes, yes, and a, uh

a miserable Agony Solstice

to you, too.

I expect you've been complying

with the traditional

three days of sleep deprivation,

lack of water

and wearing shoes

two sizes too small.

Oh, yeah.

My feet are throbbing.

It is very festive.

You look well, daughter.

- Not nearly dehydrated enough.

- Oh, parent,

stop worrying about me.

We just want you to be unhappy.

Now, let's have

a quick meal of salty foods

before heading out

for recruitment,

shriek caroling,

- and your favorite, shame circles.

- I'll find something.

You sit on your

discomfort pillows,

and tell me again

what the sacred scrolls say

about the Rapture.

The Lord of Unspeakable Torment

will reward

the most faithfully miserable

by bringing us

to a dark place.

A pleasant feeling

of meaninglessness will follow,

then the bugs.

I found a granola bar

we can all split.

Dad? Uh, uh, parent?

NUT: Daisy, did you

know 90-Day Fiancée

has six spinoffs?

Who was that?!

That was my human roommate.

Very sinful,

but for sure human,

and not at all magical.

Excuse me.

Nut, what are you doing?

Watching trash TV.

I understand now.

It makes me feel bad

about humanity,

which makes me feel good.

Oh, my God, it is incredible.

Are you on season two

of Vanderpump Rules yet?

Wait. No.

I don't have time for this.

Just keep it down, please.

What is this cold rectangle?

The McConnell article is getting

massive engagement,

but we need more outrage.

Tammy, give me an article

on how reverse racism

is the real racism.

Brad, make a list of actors

who've publicly supported

Woody Allen,

and fantasy-cast them

in a Harry Potter reboot.

And, Patty, what can we blame

millennials for k*lling?

- Uh, Pier 1 Imports?

- Perfect.

We'll never own homes

to furnish.

After R.I.Pier 1,

take this data

on people's porn habits,

and let's see if

we can match it

to what topics will

make them angriest.

Go team!

Drinks later, Alex?

- Uh, you know it.

- [imitates g*nf*re]

Do you guys ever feel bad

about devoting your life

to making people angry?

Sure, but I have a family

of three large sons to support.

You think I could

go back to freelancing?!

Plus, free Wi-Fi.

And we have so many perks here.

Like triple-ply toilet paper?

You haven't seen

the perks yet?!

♪

[dog barking]

[popping]

I love it here!

Hey, that's my department.

- Ooh, maybe there's a pool down there.

- [panel chirps]

Is this some kind of spa?

Sorry to bother,

but can I sign up

for one of these tube facials?

McConnell, hot, damn it.

Looks like a turtle.

What the hell?

How could you use this sinful

instrument of pleasure?

I know you're disappointed,

but I only have the computer

for worship.

This thing called the Internet

makes it way easier

to suffer. Look.

"Legalize Emotional

Support Heroine"?

That's ridiculous.

See? You're miserable already.

I don't know who

this Mitch McConnell is,

but he is not hot.

[cries out]

- Parent? Where'd she

- Certainly not.

He looks like a-a wrinkly old turtle.

Oh

Aah!

[machinery humming]

- Daisy?

- Ow.

I think my computer sucked

my parents and me

into a bank tube?

What were you doing the second

before you got dropped here?

Well, they were both clicking on

some stupid article

about Mitch McConnell being hot.

I just grabbed on.

God, who writes that sh*t?

Okay, sometimes jobs like this

are a stepping stone to Uh!

Ah, Nuts.

Are you here to help us?

No. I just clicked an article

about how Ronnie and Sammi

from Jersey Shore

are not still together.

Well, I hope you enjoyed it

because I think

Aggregon is using click bait

to kidnap people.

The alternative energy source

Corvin mentioned

must be human outrage.

We should go before anyone

from Aggregon sees us.

I can't just leave

my parents.

What happens if

their outrage runs out?

ALEX: I don't know.

But our best chance

of stopping it

is through those tubes.

Come on.

I chase 'round out there ♪

I chase you down

until you're dead ♪

But just follow the road ♪

You're gonna see

how low I can go ♪

Birth control!

Full penetration!

- That'll buy us some time.

- Remember,

if the tubes are scanning

and capturing human outrage,

you cannot get upset in there.

Indica blast!

♪

[coughing]

I wish I could go, too.

If only I were not a

helpless panda.

Darn my luck.

- I chase you 'round out there ♪

- [alarm blaring]

Oh, I do not think so!

Until you're dead ♪

Oh, I can't get a third strike

for spa treatments

during work hours.

You're gonna see

how low I can go ♪

♪

I can't get fired

over a tweet.

Obviously, it was just a joke.

Stay chill.

Women can be funny.

Stay chill.

Hot dogs cannot be sandwiches.

- The f*ck you say?

- Daisy, cut it out.

Hot dogs are bread and meat!

Are you really trying

to tell me that

that's not a f*cking sandwich,

you Libertarian pig?!

sh*t.

Birth Control IUD Force!

Whoa, take a lead ♪

[robotic voice] Want a bigger p*nis?

Enhancement is possible.

It worked for me.

Oh, God, that's what happens

when someone's outrage

runs out.

Aggregon turns them into bots.

Do something!

I chase you down

until you're dead ♪

But just follow the road ♪

What would Sydney Bristow do?

- You're gonna see how low I can go ♪

- [cries out]

Oh, my sculpted glutes!

We must be getting close

to the command center.

It's right up

Damn! The bots put up

a firewall.

[shudders]: Placebo,

let there be blood.

[loud rumbling]

Wow, that's the first time

my period has ever helped me.

My God, they're been drained

of outrage.

How did this happen do fast?

It was their first time

using the Internet.

Of course they blew their loads.

What do we do?

I need to find a way to stop

the outrage flow temporarily

- so I can activate my new code.

- On it.

Ah, super absorbency!

Whoa, whoa-oh ♪

That works. Okay.

I put in a patch that will stop

any new people

from getting body snatched.

Now let's unplug your parents

before they become bots.

You're all free.

Just pull the cables

from your eyes

before you get turned

into bots forever.

I could be a bot forever?

Steady employment?

Wait, you want to be

turned into bots?

I have a family to support.

I can't go back

to free living.

Plus, free Wi-Fi.

Well, not you guys. Sorry.

Daughter, what happened?

Mom, Dad, I'm so sorry

I showed you the Internet

and it brought you into

Well, it doesn't matter.

But I saved you.

We were about to get Raptured,

and you stopped it?!

It was all as the scrolls

foretold.

We were one plague of bugs away

from finally meeting

the Lord of Unspeakable Torment.

You don't deserve

to shriek carol.

We're going back to Michigan!

Let 'em go.

Let's just find Nut.

[Nut whimpering]

Trixie Mattel,

sashay away.

- At least we're all miserable.

- Hmm?

Stop, intruder!

[gasping]

I will get

to the bottom of this.

[gasps]

I'm just gonna have to

breathe for a while first.

[shrieking]

I'm glad they're okay,

but it kind of sucks that

my parents would rather be bots

than get to know the real me.

Daisy, we each have the power

to choose our own families.

I know that because of you.

- You do?

- Vanderpump Rules, season two.

Who wants some free snacks?

Lord of Unspeakable Torment,

bless us, every one.