01x02 - The Cool S

[bunniefuu]

[snoring]

[grunts]

It's too early for panda claws.

[screams]

Could you trim those, Nut?

Hygiene.

I've been up for several hours

doing reconnaissance.

I was able to pull security

footage from the incident,

and this customer

stood out to me.

Hair that slick

can only be achieved

through nefarious means.

We're super excited

about our new powers

and everything,

but we're not, like,

"wake up at 7:00 in the morning

for a covert mission" excited.

We've got stuff to do.

What could possibly be

more important

than hunting down

the only person

that could lead us

to the greatest force of evil

- in the

- DAISY: Um, it's called

- the grind, Nut. Ever heard of it?

- [sighs]

I can't even start applying

to programming jobs

until I make my vision board.

And I really should make

a mood board

to set the tone

for my vision board.

It was you ♪

You ♪

No. Alex.

You know I need

Carla St. Beverly's

easy listening smooth jazz jams

to focus.

Then take it

into your own room, Mom.

I have foot pics

and forged

celebrity paraphernalia

- to sell.

- "Forged"?

Who's to say these aren't

Ariana's Band-A*DS?

Who among us can claim

Kylie did not get

a stress-induced nosebleed

on these tissues

after hearing the new Kanye?

[sighs]

Doobity, doobity ♪

Doo, goo-goo, gaga ♪

Uh, a little privacy, Nut?

I can't sell pictures

of my five-star wikiFeet

- with you in the background.

- [sighs] Very well.

I will begin the mission myself.

ALEX:

Sounds good. Have fun, Nut.

Can you bring me back a bagel?

[sighs]

Timothée, give me strength.

My usual. And I want horse milk,

not goat milk.

Hmm.

H-Here, Corvin.

Corvin.

[slurps, coughs]

You call that horse milk?!

[crying]: I tell you every day

that's not a thing, but

[grumbles]

Whoa, Pokémon Go

has gotten really f*cking good.

Huh!

Aggregon.

One sale away.

And that's rent!

Thank you, female odor.

What? Really?

You made rent

in the last three hours?

[clears throat]:

Oh. Um, no. Misunderstanding.

You spent it on something

already, didn't you?

What did we say

about perverted purchases

over $100?

But I need it

to get into the right headspace

to write my fan fiction

about Scully

hooking up

with a girl alien named Daisy.

Besides, I'll make it back.

You can sell stuff on Star Junk

for ten times what it's worth.

And if you help,

we could work twice as fast.

[wind whistles]

- [sighs] Move over.

- Hell, yeah!

[sighs]

These sites are so sinister.

- Why do people want this sh*t?

- [sighs]

I wish we lived near

some quality celebrity trash.

Like, where do all the celebrity

baby teeth go? Where?

[gasps]

- Celebrity baby teeth!

- [gasps]

Dude, we have magic.

Tom Selleck bong.

Saliva swap

with Kristen Stewart.

ALEX:

Birth control.

Something for the boomers.

Tessa Thompson used flossers.

Idris Elba grocery list.

Chalamet thong.

Rihanna's bidet!

Damn, Star Junk.

That's rent, utilities,

and I can finally pay you back

for the money

you lent me last year

that I didn't tell you about

till now.

Man, I wish we could keep

the Rihanna bidet.

Aggregon!

What about it?

That's where

the man I saw works.

There's something

going on there.

I'm not surprised.

Aggregon owns everything.

I think

they even own Star Junk now.

What? You know about them?

Tell me everything.

Tell you what.

Your cute little panda face

in the background of one photo

got more profile views

than that time

Cardi B followed me

and I posted a screencap of it

and then I realized it was

just a Cardi B fan account

and had to apologize to everyone

for the false alarm.

I fail to see

how this is relevant.

You let me take

more pictures of you

for my Star Junk's

Instagram page,

and I'll tell you

about Aggregon.

Deal. [sighs]

But I feel objectified.

Welcome to womanhood on Earth.

I'll catch up with you guys

once all this inventory

gets picked up.

Tom Selleck bong.

Tiny panda cowboy hat.

Scooby, dooby, doo ♪

I knew, I knew it was you ♪

Oh, shooby, dooby,

dooby, doo. ♪

[knock on door]

Uh, you-you guys didn't hear

any singing out there, right?

Uh, no. We're here

for a Star Junk pickup.

One baggie of Miley Cyrus

toenail clippings,

as promised.

[chuckles]:

Uh, was there something else?

So, you know Nut?

You know Nut?

She's the panda from

your Star Junk account, right?

- We're big fans.

- That's so cool.

Yeah, I am cool.

Me and Carla St. Beverly.

[chuckles]

I'm Alex.

- WOMAN: That's Pussluvr.

- Sup.

- WOMAN: Neptunia99.

- Sup.

And I'm Nightscreamr.

ALEX: Cool.

What is this for?

Well, I'm post them on Insta

and maybe TikTok,

but only to drive traffic

to my Star Junk.

Ten of these a week, and we'll

never worry about rent again.

Tell me about Aggregon.

Ugh, sheesh, okay.

Well, I mean,

they own everything,

so, obviously,

bad labor practices.

[gasps]

Ooh, give me egirl.

They stream stuff.

I hear that they're doing this

thing called gamifying feelings.

[gasps]

Give me Insta baddie.

So, world domination.

I mean, don't be dramatic.

Capitalism world domination.

So world domination.

Whatever.

Put on the baseball cap.

You know, you guys

should talk to my roommate.

She says the stuff I like

is "mom stuff."

Can you even believe

[gasps] Hey.

Nut uses that same "S"

on her bed.

- Weird.

- Ah. You don't say.

[panting]

Do you, uh, want to go meet her?

ALL: Yes!

Nut, some of your Insta stans

have the goofiest names.

"Pussluvr," "Nutmunchr,"

"Nutsworldchica"?

- This is

- Did you say "Nut's World"?

Yeah. Does that mean something?

- Uh, hello, guys.

- Sup?

- [all panting]

- Oh, my God.

Nut, is it really you?

- Oh, my God.

- [all scream]

- What the f*ck is this?

- Wait it out.

- [horns honking]

- They'll hit a frequency adults cannot hear.

[screaming inaudible]

How do these cool teenagers

know who you are, Nut?

- You're not cool.

- And that's really cold,

coming from Carla St. Beverly's

number one fan.

- Promise not to laugh?

- BOTH: [chuckle] No.

NUT: Your universe is not

the only one I have created.

My very first was

long, long ago.

I was young.

Perhaps a bit insecure.

It is called Nut's World.

And the S is the cool S.

That was very important to me

at the time.

That's what that

stupid tattoo is.

If this was so long ago,

why do they all look like

- they're from the '90s?

- Fashion is cyclical, Alex.

No, yeah. I knew that. I'm cool.

Like their young creator,

the people of Nut's World

were emotional.

They were deeply attached to me

and perceived my leaving

their world as abandonment.

My greatest mistake

was in giving them the power

to travel through universes.

They warned me

that they'd plant scouts

in every world they could

until they found me.

But they might also legitimately

think I'm cool, right?

It's wonderful to see you again,

my creations.

Perhaps we can take

a few pictures.

50 bucks apiece.

No, Mommy.

You're coming home with us

to step on our necks

forever and ever.

Is Nut their mom, or are they,

like, into her sexually?

Both. I get it.

It's exactly how I feel

about Gillian Anderson.

- Silence.

- [both grunting]

We shall decide your fate

as all decisions

on Nut's World are made

- truth or dare.

- Ooh! Pick dare.

Nut, pick truth.

Truth.

What makes these two

better than us?

I love all my creations.

Alex and Daisy's universe

simply needs

my presence more right now.

[screams]

If you don't come

to Nut's World, Queen,

Nut's World comes to you.

[shouting]

ALL [chanting]:

Nut! Nut! Nut!

[Daisy grunting]

I can't reach my bong.

Denizens of Nut's World,

our queen must be convinced

to return to us.

Let us show her our devotion

with the Infinite Grind Line.

- [dance music playing]

- Grind, my beauties.

Grind for our queen.

This is not necessary.

Please, we can discuss

a future visit.

This is super f*cked up, Alex.

- What do we do?

- I don't know.

I can't think

with this garbage music playing.

I need my Carla St. Beverly.

It was you ♪

Wait, it's working.

[gasps]

Your boring mom stuff

is k*lling their vibe.

- Keep going.

- Uh, I wish I could

light a seasonal Yankee Candle.

Ew. Pumpkin Spice? Gag.

I miss my vision board!

Oh, no, no, no.

[shouts]

- New outfits this time?

- Oh, yeah.

♪

Time to fight horny with horny.

Bong Selleck Mustache Pride!

Tell you truth,

you cannot choose ♪

I don't know

who this Selleck guy is,

but his mustache is sexy.

Birth Control Regulated Cycle.

- How do we finish them off?

- I don't know.

We've only had magical powers

for, like, three days.

Wait. Don't hurt them.

It's not their fault

for being chaotic horny.

I made them this way.

Well, how are we supposed

to keep them

from trying to godnap you again?

[gasps]

I have an idea.

Bong Selleck Cloud Compute!

- What is this?

- It's called fan fiction.

Read it, write it, live it.

We promise it's a great outlet

for all the feelings and, um,

urges you have inside.

Ooh, and look up my series.

It's called The XXX-Files.

You'll dig it.

I still love you all.

I will return to Nut's World.

Someday.

If you use the gift

of fan fiction responsibly.

Oh, my God,

Nut touched Nightscreamr.

Nut touched Nutscreamr!

Stay away.

I'm never washing again.

[whoops]

[all screaming]

So perfect Nut had

a weird, horny teen phase

just like the rest of us.

- I have never been happier.

- MAN: Hey!

Star Junker.

This can't be Shailene

Woodley's bathwater

because I just read

that she doesn't bathe!

[sighs] Maybe I'll get out

of the celebrity worship game

- for a while.

- I think that would be best.

Dooby, dooby, doo ♪

Goo-goo, gaga ♪

Good night,

this is Carla St. Beverly

Live from the Target

on La Cienega.