01x01 - Drive to k*ll

[bunniefuu]

[somber piano plays]

[laughs]

This was like,
his third or fourth birthday,

and he was very happy here.

If I was always stressed out,
he'd come hug me and tell me

he loves me and things
like that.

It's just sad how his life
turned out,

how at that moment,
you didn't think anything

was gonna turn out
the way it did.

And how you'd give anything
in the world to get that back.

And you're never
gonna get it back.

Deputies say this Pasco County
man is in jail

for purposely running over a

the sheriff calling him
"pure evil."

[voice straining]
I used to go to the roadside
where he was m*rder*d

all the time
and sit there and cry

to him and say,
"I'm so sorry!"

[sniffles]

[through sobs]
Many, many nights,
I've sat on that roadside

wishing it was me.

[shaky exhale]

Everybody just blamed me for
raising him to be a m*rder*r.

Everybody said
he was a monster.

He was never a monster.

He's not a monster.

I can just love him,

because I wasn't able to
fix him.

[The Paper Chase's "What's So
Amazing About Grace?" plays]

[static crackling]

[strings continue
playing sinister tune]

-[knock at door]
-[creaking]

-[banging on door]
-[creaking]

-[banging on door]
-[creaking]

[fire crackling]

[banging on door]

[sinister chord strikes]

[eerie tones play]

[Dawn] When I'm alone,
I think about this --

I get very, very sad.

I think about the could've,
would've, should'ves,

but I don't know what
I could've done different.

[voice trembling]
I don't know how I could've
stopped him, if I knew

I would've stopped him,
found a way to stop him.

I get very sad --
I get sad that

I don't get to see his future.

I don't get to see
his wedding, his kids.

Now I get to hear about his --
whatever milestones

you go through in prison.

I'm very ashamed,
because that's not...

ever what I would have
imagined him to do.

Very ashamed.

I feel like I still don't know
a lot about...

about what happened.

That's kind of something...
I'm trying to learn.

There's nothing that I would
find out that my son did

that would ever stop me
from loving him

and that would ever stop me
from being there for him,

because that's
my promise as a mom,

is that I'm gonna be
there for my kids

no matter what.

He sounded strangely calm.

I don't know why
he sounds so calm.

I -- I didn't know
he sounded like that.

That's me, Justyn.

I was still only 19 then,
so yeah, I was very young.

How blessed, how happy I was.

I felt like my world
was complete.

Seeing him for the first time,

oh my God, he's perfect!

That is a deep love that
I've never felt before.

It's just a lifelong
connection.

I felt like I was
doing something right

for a change by bringing him
into the world.

I knew, like,
things were off with him.

I have to say, around the time
he started school.

He started what -- well,
we called them night terrors.

He would wander
the house at night.

Sometimes you could hear him
walking around.

One night, we were in bed,
sound asleep.

I'd wake up
with him right in my face.

We didn't know he was in there.

He'd just be sitting there
staring at us,

which is terrifying.

And I'd try to talk to him,
and he wouldn't say anything.

I had to wake my husband up,
because I was scared,

you know, I didn't know what
he was thinking

or what he was doing.

That's, like, you see that
in horror videos.

It was scary, very scary.

But then after a minute,
he, like, just would snap

out of it and, like, "I'm OK.
Yeah, I'm awake."

And he'd talk to me
and then go back to bed.

But it was so creepy.
It was so crazy to me.

Justyn's freakouts
would be very stressful,

especially when you have
three kids all together.

He'd get very stressed out
and very angst and very angry

all the time because he couldn't
just communicate

what he wanted to
say and things.

We would play games
with him all the time,

but if things weren't going
his way or if he wasn't winning,

he would just get angry.

He'd just flip the board
and stomp off and scream,

and I'd go and talk to him.

He'd just argue
and scream at me.

He'd just have
complete meltdowns.

I remember one specific time
I had to come pick him up

from school because he got
so frustrated that

he bit somebody
on the arm.

So it was --
it was very hard...

very stressful.

It was real early
in the morning,

and I was just like,
ripping him apart.

"What were you thinking?
"What were your plans?

"Like, how long did you think
you were gonna

get away with it?"

And when I said that,
he was like,

"Well, I was gonna get away
with it because my plan

was I was gonna k*ll
all of you guys."

He was gonna slit
all our throats

because he didn't want us
running after him.

My heart just dropped.

My heart dropped, and I said,
"Well do you just not love us?

Do you not care about us?"

And he goes, "No, but that's why
I wanted to do it.

"I wanted to k*ll you guys
so that you wouldn't hurt.

"If I just k*lled you all,
then no one would have to

feel anything anymore."

I felt scared.
I felt anger.

I felt hurt.
He felt hurt.

So then I felt even more hurt
because he was hurt.

And I told him that it would
have caused so much pain

for so many other people.

And I needed you to
understand that.

I need you to
see it like that.

He says, "Yeah, I know --

"I see that
and I understand that now,

but I didn't care at the time."

A big part of me
just wanted to put it --

back of my head.

I didn't want to see him
that way.

I didn't want no one
to see him that way.

That's what I would
tell myself.

He was never gonna do that.

He said it,
but he didn't mean it.

It was just...
it's Justyn.

He would never do that.

[reporter]
Almost 24 hours after a driver
hit and k*lled a pedestrian,

deputies are now calling
the case a homicide.

[officer]
The suspect, his name
is Justyn Pennell,

a 21-year-old male.

And he absolutely admits to
our deputies and our detectives

that he had the intention
to k*ll somebody.

This is one of those things
that when you talk to society,

how evil things are,
this man is absolutely evil.

It's almost,
for him, pleasurable.

After Justyn did what he did,

our house was on the news.

So every day
it was kind of scary.

There were people saying
that they're gonna drive

by our house and send b*ll*ts
through our windows.

We just wanted to get away
and start over, start different.

So we kind of left Florida,
up and left Florida.

Back in Florida, it kind of
felt like I had a light shining

down on me
and everybody knew.

The TV is his.
There's a dresser over there.

[laughing] Yeah, that little
lamp right there is his.

I don't know
why I hang on to it.

It's just --
it's so many memories.

There's memories everywhere.

I just keep things like that.

I have Justyn's baby book.

Um, his ultrasound pictures,

his little fingers...

little head, face,
his bracelet that he wore

at the hospital.

Oh, what I looked like then.

[chuckles]

Pictures of him, more pictures,
like his first holidays,

his Halloween,

his Christmas.

Growing up, it was just us
against the world,

no matter what.

He was my person,
I was his person.

And there's, you know,
things I wrote to him.

Up here it says,
"Justyn, always remember,

"no matter what, Mommy will
always be there for you.

"She may not like some of
the things you're gonna do,

but I'll always
stand behind you 100%."

He had a trunk full of clothes
and stuff like that, and...

I'll go through his clothes
and hug 'em and be sad

because, just like, I lost him,
I don't have him here no more

and I won't get rid
of his stuff,

probably because he'll never
even see it again

or even use it again,
but that's just

all I have left of him.
It still smells like him.

It still feels
like him sometimes,

and I won't get rid
of his stuff, ever.

So Justyn was like,

when we lost my nephew,
his cousin.

He was like
another one of my kids.

He got hit by a car.

I think I was telling
my daughter,

and she started to cry,
and Justyn started to laugh.

And I asked him, what was
he laughing about?

And he's like, "It's not
that it happened to him,

"but I'm just picturing it
happening in my head,

almost like a cartoon,
and that's what makes me laugh."

I -- honestly, by that time,
I wasn't, because it seems to

be like, his reaction
towards everything that

hurt people, honestly.

He would just always
find a way to laugh about it

and think it was funny.

There was a time we watched
somebody get hit by a car.

I think Justyn might have been
like 10 or 11.

And unfortunately, like,
she flew in the air.

And he laughed about it.

And he -- I would just be like,
"What is going on?"

Absolutely.
Absolutely.

I mean, for the longest time,
that's all I kept seeing

over and over and over again.

That just hit me.
So sorry you guys,

just give me a minute.

That just hit me...

that he saw that accident.
And that's what he did.

It's like you don't think
all the little moments...

that you go through in life
could possibly, you know,

lead up to maybe
the things that he did

or went through himself.
And I don't know.

I was sitting watching TV,
probably around the time Justyn

was coming home from school.

I think it was like
a show I was watching

about kids k*lling animals
and things like that.

And I was like, "I have never
seen or heard of you doing

"anything like that, Justyn.
So you're good.

You know, you're
on the -- " you know?

And it was like a lighthearted,
you know, thing.

And then he told me the story
about the duck.

So my dad was watching him,
and there's a little lake down

by where my dad was living,
and he would walk down there,

and he said that he was
sitting there on the log,

and the ducks come up,
and they were just

loud and noisy.

And it was just too much.
He felt like it was so much,

that he just picked it up
and slammed it into a log.

He just kept doing it.

He said he just kept,
kept doing it.

And then he stopped and was
like, "What was I doing?

Why did I do that?"

Like, I don't understand.
Like, he just said,

like, something
switched in his brain.

Yeah, it created
a red flag in the back

of my brain that he might
be a psychopath.

Like, something...

something is
not right with him.

Something's not right
in his head.

I need Justyn to call me
every day,

because I need to feel
that comfort.

I need to hear his voice.
I need to know he's OK.

Every day, I told him to call
around a certain time of day so

that my husband would think
he wasn't calling every day,

because it would cause fights.

[phone buzzing]

My husband, he doesn't think it
needs to be done every day.

He doesn't like that I spend
any money to talk to him.

It's very hard.
It's very hard to try and get

my husband to understand
why I can't just

shut that door
on him.

Why I can't just --
"OK,

this is what you did.
Here you go."

And just like close
that chapter.

It's very hard to explain that
to my husband when he doesn't

know how a maternal bond is
or the feeling of, you know,

of being a mom.

But we have many, many talks,

as much as many
as we had arguments,

and we've come a long,

long ways, and he,
you know,

he's more understanding of it

because I've been very vocal
with him about it.

Because I don't want
to lose my husband,

and I don't want to lose my son.

I feel like...

the last five years
has just been me...

having to explain why I feel

the way I feel all the time,
with everybody.

But I'm never gonna stop
loving my kids.

I'm never going to stop...

not trying to be there
for them the best that I can.

That's my baby boy.
He will always be my baby boy.

I would make it a point to talk
to him almost every other day,

check in with him,
"How you feeling?

But tell me how you're really
feeling deep down,"

and things like that.

He would tell me...

I haven't been able
to sleep in days

because I keep hearing
these voices.

And I'm like,
"Voices like how?

What do you mean?"

"Well, they're just
telling me to do things.

"They're telling me
to hurt others.

"And recently
they've been more...

"telling me to hurt you.

"It's scaring me and I don't
know what to think

"and I don't know
how to feel about it,

"but I feel like I could do it.

I feel like I could follow
through with it."

And I told him I was scared.

And to be honest,
I'm -- "Here, Justyn,

"I'm gonna be open
and honest with you.

Now I'm scared.
I'm scared of you."

He was scared,
and you could see it.

I felt sad.

I felt sad for him
because he didn't know

what he was feeling.

My husband was terrified.
Like, terrified.

My husband didn't trust them.

My husband didn't
trust anything.

He was scared.

He was scared that
Justyn was gonna come in

and k*ll the both of us.

Every night when we'd go to
bed, he'd lock that door.

[door clicks shut]

It's scary, because you've got
to go in and face these doctors

that have never seen you
a day in their life

and your son's saying
these things.

I was scared for my son,
because he was scared.

I've never seen him so scared.

So they put him on medication
to help him sleep,

because he wasn't sleeping.

No, they did not
perceive him as a threat.

They weren't concerned.
They didn't --

they told me that my daughters
would be safe,

that we'd be safe, that it was
nothing to be afraid of.

This is Justyn
in his JROTC uniform.

He made Cadet of the Month...

that year.

They had to wear a uniform every
Tuesday or Thursday.

It seems like he lived for that
kind of structure.

Yeah.

He was hoping to go into
the military, and he was

meeting with recruiters.

My husband said, "I think that
you really want to do it

because it's basically giving
you a license to k*ll."

And Justyn told him, well,
when you put it that way,

yeah, maybe that is a thought
somewhere in my head,

or it has come across
as a thought.

And Justyn said, "I don't see
why there would be

"anything wrong with it.

"I mean, if they're giving me
a license basically

"and a g*n to do it,

"I would do it, no problem,
you know, if that's what

they needed me to do."

He started talking to me about
his thoughts one day.

I was sitting at home,
and he'd come in, and I just

asked him how his day was.

And he would tell me how he had
a thought of one day he would

sneak into somebody's house
and k*ll the whole family.

My reaction was smacking him
across the side of the head

and asking him, "First of all,
why did you say that?

Second of all, why would
you think it?"

Like, who thinks that?
Like, I don't even understand

what even gets your mind to
that thought or what's going on

in your head that you have
that thought?

We'd fight about it,

and then he would leave.

I used to always worry about
him when he was gone.

Every night, he'd either go
for a bike ride, go work out,

or go jog.
He was really into working out.

And there'd be times
where he wouldn't respond to

my phone calls
and text messages.

So then I'd worry that
maybe he's doing it.

Maybe he's actually
following through with

his thoughts or something.

I was worried that
I might find him on the news.

My husband and I both tried
like hell to get help.

We reached out to
the police stations.

We reached out
to counseling lines.

We...
and...

the -- the police station
even said,

"I'm so sorry,
but there's really nothing

we can do until he actually
commits a crime."

And I remember breaking down
and flipping out on 'em.

I'm like, so it's gonna
take that?

It's gonna take that?

What if the crime's gonna be

so bad that
you can't come back from it?

And then it was.

[reporter]
Reports show Pennell called 911
not to call for help,

but because he had hit
an electric pole

and couldn't go anywhere.

Detectives say that's when
he admitted to dispatch that

he purposely ran over a man
and could see the terror

in the pedestrian's eyes.

[Dawn]
Turned the news on...

there's been some kind of
accident and said that

they found a body
on the side of the road.

I think my daughter
was the one that found a picture

of my son's car
and sent it to me.

And we drove to the road,
and before we could even get

very far on the road,
at the entrance, there was,

you know,
police everywhere, um,

that were stopping people.

Then I ran up to a cop,
and I was like, "Hey, I think

"that's my son's car.

"I think, you know, something's
going on with my son.

I need to know
what's going on."

And they asked me who
my son was, and I told them.

And they're like,
"Well, just wait right here."

A detective came up and told me
they weren't exactly clear of

the details yet or what was
going on, but they believed

my son hit and k*lled
somebody, and they believe

he hit and k*lled him
on purpose.

I don't know how
to describe it.

I couldn't make sense
of my thoughts.

I couldn't make sense
of anything.

[voice straining]
Just one horrible dream.

It's a nightmare,
and none of this is true,

and I just want
to wake up from it.

[dramatic music plays]

[phone buzzing]

[automated voice]
Hello, you have a call at

no expense to you from...

Justyn.

[automated voice]
...an inmate at
Land O'Lakes Detention Center.

To accept this call, press 5.

To refuse this call,
hang up now.

[Dawn] Hi, bubby.

How you doing?

I'm doing good,
I just wanted to let you know

I'm here with everybody now
and we are being filmed now

and you're OK
with that, correct?

[producer] So is there anything
that you're worried

about her seeing?

[tender music plays]

I love you, Justyn.

I miss you.

[sirens wailing]

-[officer] Hey, bro.
-[dispatch confirms
indistinctly]

[chatter over radio]
We got a unit...[indistinct].

[officer] Yeah, I got it.

[Dawn, crying] I still haven't
lost faith in my son.

But he did do it.

He did -- not me,
but he did k*ll someone.

He did hurt someone.

And I still have not lost
that faith in him.

And I can't explain it.

I just deep down inside feel
that that wasn't him.

That's not him.
That's not the Justyn I know.

That's not him.

I want to know
his exact thoughts

I want to know his exact
thoughts leading up to it.

What was he thinking
sitting in the car?

What came through his brain
when he saw Mr. Pratt

on the side of the road?
I want to know those thoughts.

Of course, I'm scared
I'm gonna find something out

that I don't know or some --
about him that I don't know.

[tense tones play]

[heavy exhale]

All I've got for you is
what the [bleep].

Yeah, yep.

Yeah.

And sped up
and aimed right for him.

That's what he said he did.

What the [bleep] was going
through your head

while doing it?

And you -- it's just...

You could have just swerved
the other way

and not have done it.

You know, and...

Something in your mind had
that pull so tight, so strong

that you just...

followed through with it.
I don't understand that.

I don't -- I could never put
myself in that frame of mind

because I could never do that.

So...

I got no words.

I don't know.
I don't...

I really can't think right now.

My mind is just freaking...

[mutters]

Equal amounts of
both, honestly.

Like, I don't --
like...

I don't know.
This is where I feel like my --

my -- my brain is just trying to
shut down to process it.

And I'm trying to be...

open and honest,
but I don't have it right now,

because I still have to
process it.

Because the mom in me
still is feeling

the hurt he's feeling.

Like, he's not sounding
like he hurts.

He's not, you know,
probably showing like he hurts,

but I feel like
he's hurting.

It's just the mama bear in me
that's always going to want to

fight for him no matter what.
Because I can fix him.

I can fix him and I can make
him better somehow, some way.

I can fix him
and make him better.

No.

I can just love him because
I wasn't able to fix him.

[detective]
Is there anything when we go
talk to your mom that

you want us to relay for you?

I know you haven't had a chance
to talk with her.

I would recommend keeping
details of the case private

simply because she
might get a bit emotional

and that might make
your investigation a bit hard.

It's not a matter of, like,

I want to tell her myself.
It's just a matter of...

these things are
a bit sensitive to her,

and, well, yeah,

I mean, it might make things
a bit complicated.

Yeah, especially since it was
kind of a brought up

in a conversation between
my husband and I

yesterday because...

I asked him
what made that thing

click in his brain
that he was --

that made him super scared
or just made him start locking

the doors because I never
really fully understood it.

It was because Justyn was
starting to collect knives,

and he was sharpening them
every day,

and he had no reason to.

But now hearing this is just...

insane, mind-[bleep]-blowing,
and I feel so bad

for my husband
and not listening to him.

[tense music plays]

[tense music intensifies]

♪ ♪

What the [bleep]?

What the [bleep]?

It literally...

looks like a m*rder kit.
Like...

There's so much more
to him that I didn't see.

There's so much more
to him that I didn't know.

[ominous music plays]

How does that happen?
Like...

That's my boy.

That was my life.

[somber tones play]

[soft sobs]

So [bleep] -- my soul is
crushed right now.

"What the [bleep]?
You pretty much

"said and did everything
a psychopath would do.

"Like, you even mentioned it
without saying yourself

you were a psychopath, Justyn.
So -- so I don't understand."

-He's gonna have to put 'em
in the back this time.
-Oh.

-[laughing]
-[indistinct]

He said he doesn't remember
saying those things.

He doesn't know why he would do
that or be like that.

He doesn't know why, he did
any of the stuff that he did.

I want to.
I want to so bad.

Doing this show was like
ripping a Band-Aid off a wound

and just like
giving it some oxygen.

And I do believe it is helping
and it is gonna help further

on down the road.

I needed it,
and I do feel different.

I do feel like I can breathe
differently, like there's not

so much of a weight.

Knowing that...

I somehow raised a m*rder*r
is petrifying.

I know it's not the hardest,
but I know it's one of

the hardest things a parent
would ever have to do

or go through or feel and think.

And I'm still trying
to process my thoughts

and feelings right now.

[man] Well, no parent ever looks
at their little kid and thinks

that he's gonna be a m*rder*r
someday, period.

[woman] Being the parent of a
m*rder*r is.

It's not easy.

It can be lonely as well
because people just don't

understand.

Up until
that point,

It never, ever felt wrong to
love either one of my children.

Well, I'll tell you right
now, if there is a God and they

do forgive him, then send me to
hell because I don't wanna be

there with him.

[indistinct] was banging on the
window and I was telling him,

you're gonna fry, [bleep]
you're gonna fry for this.

And I pray to God my son
never sees this, but I was gonna

sh**t him in the back of the
head.

I swear to God and it's so
hard to make anyone believe, but

I was looking at a devil.