01x04 - The Case of the Case of Wine: Part I

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

- Welcome.
ABIGAIL: I can't tell you how excited I am

that you're going to be able to enjoy
some authentic New Woodstream vino.

- Hi, Abigail. Hi, Heidi.
ABIGAIL: Hello, Gilbert.

- Are you working the party?
GILBERT: Yes.

I'm actually working security.

Last year, Martha Tweenis,
the church organist, came in here,

got real drunk,
and started singing church hymns

- but adding dirty words.
- Oh, dear.

I had to escort her out of here,
but she did a toddler drop...

Get to the point, Gilbert.

- Enjoy the party, my queen.
- Thank you, Gilbert.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER CELL PHONE]

Oh, stop it!

Yeah, no, it's this new new cellphone,
I loaded all up.

I don't know why you made me get
such a stupid device.

Would you be a dear
and change the ring sound for me

to something more appropriate?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you.

Mapleworth on the cellular phone.
Who is it?

Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.

How is the book coming?

Oh, it's going wonderfully.

Can't you hear me typing?

[MIMICKING TYPEWRITER]

Sounds like you are cranking it out.

Oh, yes, I'll have pages for you
by the end of the week.

- Well, you are the best in the business.
- And you're the best of the Jerrys.

[GROANS]

It's okay if need to go home
and work on your book, Aunt Abigail.

Pigeon paste! You just moved here.

Let's have a little fun.

Oh, you're always a good time,
Aunt Abigail.

But I'm pretty sure
this party's not gonna be fun.

[PLAYS JAZZ]

- Why?
- Just a little bit of juicy jazz.

Yes.

[CORK POPS THEN GLASS CLINKS]

What a snooze fest. It's like
the '80s had sex with the bible.

Well, New Woodstream has its share
of interesting characters.

Oh, chimp sh*t.

Paige Wellington is here. She's the editor
of the town paper, The Biweekly Monthly,

and she's a real know-it-all
pain in the pucker hole.

- Paige!
- Mapleworth!

What a beautiful polyester getup.

What lovely colorless neck ba*ls.

Nice wig.

I'm Heidi. I'm her niece.

Cute. I'd leave this dumb party,

but I'm doing a story
on Julia Squift's rollout of her new rosé.

Oh, I'm sure it will be interesting.
She writes nonfiction.

[SNORING]

Oh, well...

it's better than a book full of snotty,
made-up word garbage.

My God, what is that smell?

- It's horri... Just... Just acrid.
- Oh.

It's making my eyes water. Oh. Paige...

- Who raised you?
- I didn't do it.

I didn't do it!

Ripe.

It was me and it was intentional.

You might not be well.

Oh, it's just a party trick.

[SNORING]

♪ What a friend we have in p*nis ♪

♪ All the tip and shaft to share ♪

Martha, you know you're not supposed
to be in here.

Come on, let's go outside.

No! We are... Well... I'm not going.
We're all having a good time.

♪ Nearer my butt to thee ♪

- Martha...
- MARTHA: h, no.

Gilbert, you are just mad because we went
on that G-damned date

and you weren't feeling it.

Well, get over it, Gilbert,
because all of this is not for you

- according to you.
ABIGAIL: Gilbert!

I didn't know you were seeing someone.

Why don't you introduce us
to your lovely, spirited gal?

I am not his "gal."

I asked him out about 10 times,

and finally I had to surprise-join him
at his booth at the Waffle Closet.

And we were having a wonderful time,
until he noticed I was there.

And I was like,
"Get off my jock, Gilbert."

Sounds like she wants to
really funk your junk.

ABIGAIL:
Gilbert, I'm thrilled for you.

You deserve to be physically reciprocated.

No. I... We... I... We...

- We didn't do anything.
- I mean, I did something later.

I put my Spanx in his mailbox.

- Oh, dear.
- Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha...

If you care about me at all,
let's talk about this outside.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, Martha, you know tongues
are for honeymoons.

- Let's go.
- Goodbye!

I don't wanna go.
I tricked you, I'm not gonna go.

Toddler drop.

♪ This little crotch of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪

No. Close it.

♪ Oh, this... ♪

Hello, gals.

Would you two like to try our best cab?

No, thank you. I drove my own car here.

- Oh. That is delicious.
- Oh, my turn.

- There's a spit bucket right here.
- No, thank you. We're good.

Oh, here's the rosé

- Thanks for that.
- Thank you.

I just want to thank you all
for coming to taste my new rosé.

I so enjoyed making it.

Mm. Oh, it starts with a hint
of peach skin on the lips

that turns into an expl*si*n
of mouth feels,

and then it chokes you into a deeply...

satisfying finish.

[MOANING]

[MOANING CONTINUES]

I also wanna thank my best friend,
Lanie Delabouche,

who catered this whole event.

But I would stay away
from the mini crab cakes.

I bit into one, I bit a little crab d*ck.

I'm kidding!

I assure you there aren't any penises
in any of the food.

Not yet anyway.

Well, have fun everyone.

[MOANING]

- Julia. What was that?
- What?

This wine's been a really bad boy.

I'm going to spank it until it turns red.

All this wine is really going through me
like a frat boy down a Slip 'N Slide.

I probably won't make it to the bathroom.

We'll see. I wouldn't put money on it.

Pretty bad.

- Should you just go?
- Yes, I should.

- I urge you...
- What?!

- ...to use caution with me, Julia. Yes.
- Oh, to use caution, Richard?

BOTH:
You're not gonna get away with this.

- Oh. The food is, like, really good.
- Oh, yeah?

Julia clearly doesn't like it.

She didn't have to shame me like that
in front of everyone.

You know, sometimes she can be such a...

A giant red butthole!

Glad that you're the one
handling all the food.

Thank you.

Oh, God. The cheese is sweating.

I better go blot it
or I'll hear it from Julia.

No!

Heidi, have you seen Julia anywhere?

No, I haven't.

I wanted to congratulate her
on her new wine.

I usually hate rosé,
but this one is awful.

It is making me tipsy though.

I might even want to deep-throat
some of those crab dicks.

Boo-hoo-hoo.

Stop complaining. You think I care?

You're pathetic.
I'm gonna go back to my party.

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Does somebody need help?

Shh. I'm trying to figure that out.

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Sounds like me on the crapper.

[SCREAMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

Oh, not funny now?

I'm gonna go find my wife and kids.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

- Ah-ha.
- Oh.

HEIDI: That sucks.

Looks like Julia ordered
a white wine squisher.

Aunt Abigail.

Sometimes, humor is the perfect poultice
for pain.

Well, it's not a very...

"flattering" way to die.

She used to be a barrel of fun.

- It is sad, though.
- So sad.

Sorry, got to do this.

[ALL SCREAMING]