02x03 - It's Okay to Like It

[bunniefuu]

You said
you wanted splashy.

- Is this splashy enough?
- Well, it's a beginning.

I'm CFO, Chief Fun Officer.

And I'm art director,
which is an actual title.

I have fans now.

Yeah, and they're
incredibly wealthy

and they live in castles

and hire me to sh**t
their playthings.

We could turn
Minx into so much more

than just a magazine.

Merchandising, uh, events,

international editions,
taking this thing global.

Something is going on with you.

Whatever this is, I want
to figure it out with you.

Please welcome Joyce Prigger.

- Am I a celebrity?
- Sure, you're a celebrity.

Doesn't it seem
like people are longing

for a way to be more
open about sexuality

without feeling shame?

God save the queen of dicks.

And, you know, I
don't think it stops there.

I-I think this feels like
the beginning of something.

♪ I got to get in a hurry ♪

Hey.

♪ I gotta buckle down ♪

♪ I can't believe ♪

- ♪ My baby done put me down ♪
- Thank you.

Sunset Boulevard.
You got 90,000 eyes a day.

That is a wonderful idea, Doug.

Truly inspired.

Really? 'Cause
yesterday you said

that billboards were "a
blight on the public commons."

Well, you know
what, I slept on it,

and it's a winner.

Yes, Bambi.

Um, who are those people

and why do they keep
taking our picture?

That's Rolling Stone,
and they're here today

doing a feature
on Bottom Dollar.

You really need to
read my memos, Bambi.

Oh, I don't read
memos on principle.

But fun.

Yes, it is.

It's... so much fun.

Big day today,
big sh**t, big issue.

Does anyone know
where Richie is?

Art department's still
waiting on his approval,

and I don't know
why he's not here.

I'm here. I'm here
and I'm ready.

Uh, more.

Both. Also both.

You know my budgets
aren't suggestions, right?

Just how over are we?

Twenty percent and counting.

Eh, that's a rounding
error in my book.

I think we need to
support this man's vision.

You've earned it.

Thank you, Connie.

And in other news,
the, uh, comment cards

for my new science
magazine, uh, Beyond,

came out, and they're, uh...

they're very
positive.

Yeah, so I'll read 'em to you.

Somebody said, "Original."

"Mind-blowing."

"The biggest
development in science

since the Punnett square."

I wrote that one.

And how are we looking
on the calendars?

I think we've got
some really sexy options.

Oh, Joycie, I pulled
off the lady quotes.

So now it's just thick and
juicy slices of beefcake.

Yum.

♪ I got to get in a hurry ♪

What the hell was that?

We've got Rolling
Stone posted up,

and all of a sudden you
decide to respect me?

Well, I-I don't... I
don't know what you mean.

Come on,
Prigger, please.

What are you doing?

This is our thing.

We fight, we bang heads,

but then we come together
and we make magic.

It is very Minx-y.

When did that
become an adjective?

I just don't understand
why you're trying

to bore this reporter
out of a story.

Do you have any idea
who Simon Michaels is?

Y-you-you've brought
death to our door.

Okay, this guy, he
writes searing exposés.

He uncovers malfeasance.

He topples despots.

Last I checked, you are not a
third world dictator, Joyce.

I think we'll be okay.

Yeah, well,
still, one never knows

what's going to bring
'em down, you know?

Have you read a
word about Nixon?

He's the president
of the United States.

We publish a d*ck mag.

Although right now,

I don't know who's
more paranoid.

In just six months, sales
are through the roof.

Okay, writers beg to contribute.

We're on top. I mean,
come on, why risk that?

Because, Joycie, if we get on
the cover of Rolling Stone,

it'll launch us to
outer f*cking space.

No... you mean launch Beyond.

Okay? I'm not an idiot.

I'm not risking Minx

just so you can give
your pet project a boost.

So this is about jealousy?

Oh, my God, no. I'm
very... I'm very happy

for you and your new
celebrity friend...

My editor, Joyce,

Carl Sagan.

Yeah, that kind of
press is a distraction.

And what was that hatchet
job you did on my calendar?

There it is. So
you were pissed.

Doug, I spent hours curating

this-this treasure trove
of feminist witticisms.

It pulled focus
from the schlongs.

Schlongs without context
are just schlongs, okay?

It's the quotes that
make them Minx-y.

God damn it.

There it is, kid!
There's the pepper!

Where was that in the meeting?

- Okay.
- We gotta go.

Hey, and remember
Grandma's picking you up

after school for the
sleepover today, okay?

And if she pops that
second jug of wine,

I want you to call.

Well, Tommy has a standing order

to water down the
Carlo Rossi after 9:00.

Oh, and don't worry
about going to the store.

- I have time today.
- No way.

You got enough on
your plate as hostess.

And besides, I want to
make sure that you have

plenty of energy for later.

Oh, excuse me.

Mm-hmm.

Mm.

I have a test first period.

Okay. All right,
get out of here.

All right.

Well, well, good
morning, lovebirds.

Hey, Harold and I were
wondering if you had

a couple spots open at your
table for dinner tonight.

You guys throw the best parties.

Right, Harold?

Driving the bus today, Lenny?

Must be in the doghouse.

Nope, just, uh,

enjoy spending time
with my children.

I'm so sorry...
Even with the leaf,

we can only fit eight.

Maybe next time?

Okay.

You had one line, Harold.

One.

♪ Talk about your yo-yo ♪

And this is
where Richie sits.

He used to be in the studio,

but then Life
magazine called him

"America's Picasso
of the Pecker."

So, I gave him a work
station and two assistants.

And over here is Tina.

She got to choose
her own carpet.

She went with the short
pile 'cause she's classy.

Is that you right there?

Yeah.

That was from
before my CFO days.

You went
from nude model

to Chief Financial Officer?

Chief Fun Officer.

Yours sounds made-up.

Also, I'm still
centerfold coordinating,

which is a real job.

But I'm looking for
my next gig here.

Just waiting for
the stars to align.

Speaking of stars,

who do we have here?

Astrologer, cosmetologist,

and Beyond magazine's
editor emeritus,

Mr. Carl Sagan.

Hello.

I'm almost none of those things.

Okay, bye, guys.

Bye, Annie.

Do you know where I
could find Joyce Prigger?

You one of those people
who can only write

in the midst of chaos?

Here you go.

This should have
everything you need.

Yeah, I-I think I
missed something.

Oh, I wrote out my
answers in advance.

Right, but I didn't
submit any questions.

I've done dozens of interviews,

and 95% of the questions
are exactly the same.

Um, I'm so sorry. What
was your name again?

Annie Leibovitz.

Right, okay, um, Ms. Leibovitz,

could you please
not take my picture?

It's her job.

Well, I'm
trying to do mine.

And you have caught
me on a very busy day.

- "Where do you get your ideas?"
- Mm-hmm.

"How do you find your models?

What does your boyfriend
think about your job?"

On that last one, I push
back firmly but gently.

I would never
ask that question.

Well, you'd be the first.

Then why don't you let me be?

Talk to me about your
book. That's a big advance.

Wh-what are you spending it on?

Uh, T-bills and a new condo.

Page three, halfway down.

And if you'll excuse me,

it looks like I'm
needed in a meeting.

I'm getting a bounce.

That's dead skin.

Son of a b*tch.

Pumice.

Hey, Turtleneck, pumice stone.

Technically not a stone.

It's a mineral slurry.

There's my
handsome genius.

Hey, you want
something to drink?

A Fanta? You wanna get high?

Richie's got some great grass.

Forty-five minute
drive to Syracuse,

two connecting flights in coach,

all for an interview that
doesn't seem to be happening.

Oh, it's happening.
It is happening.

Believe me, believe me.
When I told this reporter

you were here, he
flipped his lid.

Betrayed none of that excitement

- in our brief encounter.
- Oh, he's just nervous.

He is beyond excited.

Beyond.

Okay. I would like to get high.

Okay, good.

Why are there so
many tumbleweeds?

I asked you earlier.
You said more.

I meant metaphorically.

This is supposed to
be a lone tumbleweed.

Well, you're not
gonna like that.

- Oh, my God.
- Babes...

Wait, wait. Can
someone k*ll the fan?

- What?
- The models are upset.

Good. The concept
is Dudes in Distress.

No, they're model upset.

The only way I can
transform into character

is to know who tied me up.

What's my moment before?

Plus, my c*ck's
gonna look smaller

if I'm further away.

Even though we
all know it's not.

Okay, everyone take five.

And can someone give the
talent some umbrellas, please?

Robert, Charlie.

I hear we're
having model drama.

Brando over here is
requesting special makeup.

He's convinced his character
would be uncircumcised.

Well, he's not wrong from
a historical perspective.

But, uh, that's not the
problem here, right?

The setup is not working.

I know. Something's missing.

- I just don't know what it is.
- It's not tumbleweeds.

Okay, I thought the
"lone" was implied.

Right, yes.

How about this?

You move on to your
secondary setups,

and then by the time we're
ready for our centerfold,

I will have a fix.

Okay.

You know, I'm not one
to comment on creative,

but this all seems a bit...

Off. Yes, I know.

- We're handling it.
- Yeah.

I just don't want to lose
sight of our audience.

I mean, Minx is a very
successful women's magazine.

And this, two men together,

I feel like this puts
a target on our back.

A target?

Well, there's a whisper campaign

that a good number of our
readers are h*m*.

Oh. Right, yeah.

But, I don't know, isn't
it better if our work

is interesting to all
kinds of different people?

I mean, in an ideal world,
but we have advertisers

that are paying
specifically to reach women.

Let's not give them a
reason to question that.

I will take care of it.

I have complete
confidence in you.

Doug wanted me to tell
you he solved the problem

with the glow-in-the-dark mugs.

He doesn't need you.

The what?

Why am I just hearing about
glow-in-the-dark mugs now?

And who drinks
coffee in the dark?

No one, because it doesn't work.

Consider it dead. Here,
go ahead with your day.

- What?
- No, no, you're having a really

- busy day.
- What are you doing?

- You just go do your thing.
- Is that Carl Sa...

- No, no, no, no.
- Doug!

Simon, can I talk
to you for a second?

Come on in. Carl, hit
the lights, please.

- I should probably...
- I agree.

Black holes,

infinitely dense,

but exponentially fascinating.

Oh, sweet Jesus.

- Where's Simon?
- He's in there with Doug.

I just got used
as reporter bait.

You need to talk to him.

Oh, God, you too?

I have enough on my
plate without Jann Wenner

calling me complaining.

We agreed to let
Rolling Stone do

a feature about Bottom Dollar.

You've got to give
them an angle.

The point of view of the
woman at the center of it all.

You're right.

Point of view is everything.

Yeah, right, okay.

Um, I'll talk to Simon,

but in return, I'm
gonna need some horses.

How many horses?

- Four.
- One.

- Three?
- One.

Fine, one, but no Clydesdales.

They're too cloppy.

I was gonna give you two.

- Is it too late to...
- Yes.

Hello.

Richie.

You need to take better
care of yourself.

Here.

OJ and speed.

I had an interesting chat

with one of our cowboys earlier.

Which one?

The one you slept with.

More specific?

Richie.

At the same time?

When all the doors
finally open up for you,

it's kind of hard not
to go through them.

Been there.

When Elvis pulled me

out of that audience
in seventh grade,

it was the start
of a fun few years.

Then I cleaned up my
act, and look at him now.

Slurring his words
in a sequined cape

on a sad Vegas stage.

I don't want that for you.

I know.

But we get invited

to all these amazing
events every single night,

and I can't believe I
get to be a part of it.

Linda Ronstadt is having

a private listening
party tonight.

How can I skip that?

Linda's having a
moment, and so are you.

But Linda is still
putting out music,

and you can't get your butt
through one photo sh**t.

You know you need to lay
low every once in a while.

Rein it in, buddy.

I had nothing to do with that.

That's right.

And when you look at them,

more powerful, please.

More anguish.

You squared the circle.

Well done.

It was missing a point of view.

Needed a way in
for the audience.

She speaks.

Please, don't stop.

Maybe she's there
to rescue them.

Maybe she's there
to torment them.

All we know is that
she has the power.

What'd you have to do to get
a horse here in 30 minutes?

Talk to you.

Uh-huh.

- All right.
- Not what I thought of

when you said supply closet.

Work here long enough, this
becomes Wite-Out and staplers.

You know, you've been doing

an inelegant job of avoiding me.

I wasn't trying to hide it.

I'd think you'd be a
little less squeamish

for all the press you've done.

Those were puff pieces, okay?

We both know that a
shrewd journalist,

someone who, I don't know,
say, interviewed Idi Amin,

can take any little detail
about a powerful woman,

and then use it against her.

Okay, you know,
I-I raise my voice,

"a*usive b*tch Claws
Her Way to the Top."

I wear my heels too high,

"Conniving sl*t Sleeps
Her Way to the Middle."

Look, I get it.

We all want to
control the narrative.

But you're leaving me
to fill in the blanks.

Mm-hmm, and what is it
that you think you see?

- Honestly?
- Mm-hmm.

A woman gripping
the wheel so tight

her fingers are
about to snap off.

So what,

"Skittish Control Freak
Refuses to Have Fun"?

Nah, Joyce, listen.
I-I didn't come here

to write about Bottom
Dollar or Minx.

I came here to write about you.

Because I think we're in
the middle of a revolution,

and I thought you were
at the center of it.

But you're just watching
from the sidelines.

Okay, come on.
We're journalists.

Observing is our job.

Yeah, and sometimes
we can chase a story

only to realize
there's nothing there.

Uh, I...

okay.

I'm so glad you finally

sat down with our friend, Simon.

I'm sure it went swimmingly.

Yes, very, very well.

Well, I know you were
hesitant to do the interview,

but you did it
because you understand

the value of visibility.

I was always more
comfortable in the shadows.

It's safer there.

Well, the world does love to
watch a strong woman fall.

Which is why it's so important
that they watch you succeed.

Mm?

I'm proud of you for
taking that risk.

I can't wait to read it.

Hey.

I just had an
interesting conversation

with one of our
Rolling Stone friends.

Which one?

The one you were rude to.

More specific.

Joyce.

At the same time?

What?

No, it... I...

look, when the world is
knocking at your door,

it's very hard not to put
up a wall... with spikes.

Okay, listen, I get it.

Okay? You're having a moment.

But there's more to this job

than just putting
out a magazine.

You're like the front
woman of a band,

if bands had front women.

You need to take

a night every once in a while

and just have a
little fun, okay?

I know you're that person too.

Am I, though? Am I fun?

For a successful
person with a big job,

I'd say that
you're... pretty fun.

You know, we do get invited
to a lot of cool stuff.

Now's your chance to show Simon
that you're not just spikes.

It was touch and
go at the start,

a-and then ol' Carl, he
really turned on the charm.

Tins, by the end, it was like
Simon was almost in tears.

A hostage situation
with a happy ending.

Yeah, but that's
not even the best part.

Carl was so happy that
he called his buddies

over at NASA, a-and guess what?

Beyond is going to be

the official magazine of Skylab.

Look at you publishing the
first magazine in space.

I'm gonna go to
Houston tomorrow,

and I'm gonna seal the deal,

and I want you to come with me.

I want to turn it into

a Doug and Tina
romantic weekend.

Houston in July? Sounds sweaty.

Think of this.

The air-conditioned
suite. The pool.

And if you play
your cards right,

I'll take you on a
day trip to Galveston.

All right, I'll come...

if you finish the
Minx calendars.

Bottom Dollar is going
interstellar, Tins.

The calendars can wait.

They're literally the most
time-sensitive product.

You are k*lling me
with these calendars.

I don't care about the merch.
I care about the magazines.

And I know they call me
Mug Renetti behind my back

like I'm some sort of
flea market peddler.

It hurts my feelings.

We all have parts of
our jobs we don't like.

- Yeah.
- Like reminding you

to do your work,

which is the job of a secretary,

if you kept one for
longer than a week.

I would if one of 'em
was half as good as you,

believe me, but I
can't find a good one.

Hey, um, Doug, quick question.

I hope it's not
about merchandise.

Um, it's about the fires
in the parking lot.

- What?
- Yeah, loose hay, smokers.

Do you make a Minx ashtray?

Glass or ceramic?

We're all friends here.

Some might say the
closest of friends.

So I have to ask,

which one of you had sex
with my husband in our house?

No, I mean last month.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

What did we say about
loose-fitting jewelry, hmm?

Come on, guys, French
clasps and studs only.

We still have a toddler who
will put anything in her mouth.

Sounds like Henrietta.

Sorry, Shelly.

Oh, I mean Mistress Bella.

I'll forgive it this time.

Tonight, Bella LaRouche
has chosen a theme.

Sadie Hawkins.

Ladies choose their partners.

Eeny...

meeny...

miny...

mine.

Ugh, stop pouring that
swill immediately.

A gift from Charles
de Gaulle to me,

and now from me to you.

I'll save my "Jacques
Daniels" for another day.

You know, I think you liked
me more when I was here less.

I feel that way about everyone.

Mm.

If I overstepped this morning,

I apologize.

On the bright side,
you're the proud owner

of 263 lightly used tumbleweeds.

You know, you're the only one
that Joyce and Doug listen to.

And if powerful people
listen only to you,

that means you're the
one with all the power.

It only works if no one notices.

Hmm. Well, how
about you let me in

on a few more secrets?

I've been looking into
Minx's revenue projection

for the next 24 months.

What are your comps?

Nothing.

Nothing?

I had to create my own.

These are sales for
every BDP title.

Kung Fu Cuties.

Feet! Feet! Feet!

Yank My Doodle.

Oh, vulgar and patriotic.

All high floor, low ceiling.

Dependable, but marginal profit.

Minx is different.

If there's a ceiling, I
don't know where it is.

That's the first time I've
seen you smile all day.

Huge margins have
that effect on me.

We're gonna get along just fine.

I haven't spent enough
time in the desert.

You are making a
compelling case.

You gotta come next time.

There's always room on the bus.

- We're on soon.
- Okay.

How do you two know each other?

Oh, come on. How
can you live in LA

and not know Jackson Browne?

Sure, sure.

That was Glenn Frey.

Of the Eagles.

Joyce, I'm a reporter
for Rolling Stone.

I know every person
in this place.

Okay, if you're trying
to prove something,

you picked the wrong
place to do it.

Joyce Prigger, as
I live and breathe.

Well, hello, Linda Ronstadt.

- Richie sends his regard.
- Mwah.

You and Simon Michaels.

Don't tell this man anything.

Don't
worry, she hasn't.

We've been having a raging
debate on the pay gap in music.

Sonny and Cher are
in a bad place.

We need your help.

- I got you, babe.
- Okay.

You get
it? You get that?

I'm so glad we finally got you
out to one of these things.

Me too, Linda.

And as the black hole
pulls your body apart,

galaxies form and explode
before you over the span

of tens of thousands of years.

Well, that is the fifth
time I've heard that today,

and, uh...

I still don't get it.

Oh, you're so
much more fun to get high with

than that drip, Arthur Miller.

Oh, that's my cue.

Burbank airport awaits.

Well, guess who's
flying first class?

She sprung for it,
all three legs.

That's nice.

Fly safe, my dear.

Huh? Huh?

He is a treasure.

He's ours too. We've got him.

Mm-hmm.

If you like that, I got
another magazine idea

that's gonna knock
your socks off.

- Okay.
- It's about the working rich.

I wanna call it Jetset.

That's very niche.

No, I say targeted.

I think it's time that we
start streamlining operations,

cut loose some of
the underperformers.

Yeah, I agree.

What, uh... which
ones are you thinking?

- Kung Fu Cuties.
- Kung Fu Cuties.

And Feet! Feet! Feet!

- Really?
- Yeah.

Well, that one stings,
I'm gonna be honest.

This one's gonna
sting the most, then.

I've decided to not move
forward with Beyond.

Yeah.

You're kidding me.

No.

But you just sent
Carl first class.

You just sent Carl first class.

The ceiling for science
is just not high,

and it's a misuse of our
most valuable resource.

Which would be what?

You.

Your merchandise has made
more money for this company

in the last six months than
anything in its entire history.

I could just do so much
more, I promise you.

No, but I need you to
come up with more ideas,

your big Renetti ideas,

for Minx.

- All right?
- Yeah, okay.

Carl Sagan is not
the only genius

that I got high with tonight.

You know, they're calling you
Mug Renetti around the office.

You're g*dd*mn right, they are.

I could never date a civilian.

But I really shouldn't
date musicians either.

So you have to find
someone that's close enough

to what you do
that they get it...

- Mm-hmm.
- But far enough away

that they're cool riding
in the passenger seat.

So I could date a musician.

Only if you want herpes.

Oh, my God.

Linda,
you're on, babe.

- That's me.
- Okay.

Oh, hi. Me? Um...

Yes.

Oh, f*ck.

That's
like night coffee.

All right.

I am gonna play a few songs

off the new album tonight.

But I thought first,

we could warm things
up with a little jam.

So, Graham, get up here.

Uh, JD, where is my baby?

And... oh, Judee Sill,
I know you're mad at me,

but I need you on guitar.

And I need a
volunteer for shakers.

Me!

- Get up here, Joyce Prigger.
- Okay.

Are you guys ready?

First chair French
horn.

♪ I've been cheated ♪

♪ Been mistreated ♪

♪ When will I be loved? ♪

Don't finish yet.

Hold it. Hold it.

Wallace. Look at me.

Not in the eyes.

I said look away,
you little sh*t.

Hey, Doug.

Um, I took some initiative

and finished the Minx
calendars for you.

Oh, that's unexpected, Bambs.

It's pretty complicated work

to do all that stuff, but, uh...

- You did this?
- Yeah.

- It's great.
- Thank you.

You kept the pictures big,

and you even got Joyce's
boring quotes in there, Bambs.

Yeah, well, the image
is the real draw,

so I put the quotes in
complimentary colors

so they fade into
the background.

It's excellent.

I would like you to consider it

my application to
be your secretary.

If I'm gonna be Bottom
Dollar CFO for real someday,

I need to apprentice with
the smartest man I know.

And that's you.

And Colonel Tom
Parker, but he's busy.

Think about it.

I'm really giving
it to her in there.

Hey, Wallace is crying...

in a good way.

♪ That I want for mine ♪

♪ He always breaks
My heart in two ♪

♪ It happens every time ♪

♪ Oh, I've been cheated ♪

♪ Been mistreated... ♪

Great party tonight, hon.

Mm.

Don't stay up too late.

Len, I was, um,

thinking about
going back to Minx.

Oh. It's about time.

♪ Tell me, when will I ♪

♪ Be ♪

♪ Loved? ♪

You know, you looked
dangerously close

to having a good time tonight.

Yeah, I think
that was the cocaine.

Hey, I'm sorry for
torturing you today.

I've actually been tortured.

Today was fun.

I met Carl Sagan.

It's just...

Look, a lot of the people
that you've profiled

have then taken a fall.

You mean the ones
with death camps.

Yeah, and others.

I see.

I've gotten everything
I've ever wanted,

and it's happened
so fast, and...

And now you're thinking,
what if you just got lucky?

Like, what if I screw it up?

And then it's just
all just gone again.

What then?

I mean, it's possible.

But I have been
testing another theory.

Yeah?

Watching you,

reading your magazines,

talking to just about
everyone who knows you...

have you ever
considered that maybe

you are exactly
where you belong?

It's okay to like it.

♪ I feel my spirit fly ♪

♪ Only after dark ♪

♪ I kiss the world goodbye ♪

♪ Only after dark ♪

♪ Nights With
the city lights ♪

♪ Only after dark ♪

♪ Run like the wonder way ♪

♪ Only after dark ♪

♪ Won't you disappear ♪

♪ Into midnight with me? ♪

♪ Why don't you come? ♪

♪ Why won't you come? ♪

♪ Why won't you
fly Fly, fly? ♪

♪ Sweet elusive fate ♪

♪ Will be our company ♪