02x06 - The Dance

[bunniefuu]

[

[ Mona

[ Mona sniffling

[ Mona sniffling ]

♪

Mona?

Oh, sh*t, you're crying
real tears.

Do you want me to find a girl
to talk to?

[ Speaking French ]

Stupid idiot.

Who?

It is Benoit.

I just broke up with him.
[ Sniffles ]

For the third time, he cancels
his trip to come visit me.

And we were supposed to go
to the Spring Formal together.

I mean,
I was really excited.

I-I wanted to go.

Uh, I'm just in shock,

'cause I was really rooting
for you and Benoit.

♪

What a d*ck.

♪

The sexy Frenchman
is history,

and the road is clear
for my Chaddy Joon.

So, what is
your next move, Mr. Stud?

Um, I think I'm gonna ask Mona
to the Spring Formal.

Wow. So bold.
I love it, Chaddy.

I love it!
Now, how are you gonna ask her?

Oh, easy peasy.
I'm gonna have Peter do it.

What? No flowers?
No poetry?

We are Persian men,
Chaddy Joon.

The passion of Rumi
beats in our hearts.

Rumi? That, like-- like,
that little robot vacuum?

No. The greatest of all
Persian poets,

maybe the greatest poet
ever.

In over 800 years, no one
has written so beautifully,

so profoundly
about love and longing.

Okay, Hamid, no offense,
but straight up,

this Rumi character
sounds like a simp.

He is a simp for romance.

You should read Rumi's poems
to inspire you

to go big or go home.

Alright.
I'll take your word for it.

If there's one thing
I've seen on Reddit,

it's that the opposite
of a simp is a pimp.

♪

Peter.

Peter, I'm nervous.

Just promise me
this'll go well.

This prom-posal has to go well,
you guys.

It will.
You sure?

Why does this band have
three clarinets?

You guys are on
some clown sh*t right now.

What is happening,
Peter?

This is everyone I could get
on short notice, Chad.

I don't even know what
sound a clarinet makes.

Really? It sounds like
[imitates clarinet] Right?

Yeah.
Like [imitates clarinet]

I-I don't like that sound
at all.

I didn't sign up for this.

A-Are you sure we have other
sounds that'll come out of you?

Alright, guys, you're part of a
really important day in my life.

I believe in you.

And now, to pump us up,

I'm gonna quote the feistiest
little poet that ever lived.

"His palms are sweaty,
knees weak, arms are sweaty,

there's vomit on his sweater
already, his mom is sweaty.

Spaghetti."

That was Eminem.

May his soul rest in peace.

D-Did Eminem die?

Yeah, he's still alive,
Chad.

Why did I think
he was dead?

Even better.

Okay, you guys,
just blast your hearts down

that hallway,
loud as hell.

Cool?

Good luck.

I've never been to
an American dance before.

Is it casual?
Yeah.

Do I wear long dress
or short dress?
No, just casual.

Okay, fine, yeah.
Yeah, I'd love to come.

Cool, I'm gonna have
a couple people

and a whole crew, something.

That'll be really fun.
Yeah, cool, cool.

Pick you up around 6:00?

Yes,
that will be great.

'Sup, Chad?
Kev-Nasty.

I do not like
that you are here right now.

Kevin's always everywhere.

Scram!

I'm just kidding.
Okay.

But, uh,
see you Saturday.

Whatever back.

Bye, Kevin.

See you Saturday?
What's that?

Oh, he asked me to go
to the Spring Formal with him.

Better than sitting at home
feeling sorry

for myself over that idiot
Benoit, yes?

Yeah.
No, that is much better.

Y-You deserve to... bounce on
back and get back out there

and make sure
that you feel empowered--

[ Band playing "Old Town Road" ]
Jesus Christ.

Kevin is
getting a limousine

and a bunch of us
are all going together.

You should come
to the dance with us.

Oh!

I would totally normally
love to,

but I forgot the dance
was this Saturday!

It's so loud, you guys!

I'm sorry,
what is happening?

What is this?

I'm not sure,
but I'm actually finding it

pretty easy to ignore.

What?

I can't hear it
that much!

Why is Peter here?

Oh, hey,
what's up, Peter?

Hi.
Peter: How's it going?
How's the thing?

It's going great,
Peter!

♪

I think they're
just practicing.

Kevin asked her?

Damn it. How did our sweet god
let this happen.

It makes no sense.

You know what?
You need to go to this dance.
Why?

I don't want to watch
the love of my life

grinding K-Pop Kevin
on the dance floor.

How much longer, Madison?

A while.
Your eyelashes are flat as sh*t.

So what if she is going
with someone else?

There is no rule that says
you can't dance with her.

And one dance can change
everything, Chaddy Joon.

I still remember
that one dance I shared

with Shayesteh Mirhosseni
in 1979.

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, well, what the heck

is Shayesteh Mirhosseni
up to now?

She's poking the sh*t out of me
on Facebook, that's what.

From that dance?
Huh.

I still need to find a date.

How-- How am I gonna
do that in two days?

[ Sighs ]

What about that one girl?
What is her name?

You know the girl.
High pony.

She sings
"Thank U Very Much."

Ariana Grande?

That is the one.
[ Sighs ]

Hamid, she's an
international superstar.

That is not a viable option
for me.

There's no way her flight
would get in on time.

Damn it.

I'll go with you.

Now blow on your eyes.

How do I
blow on my own eyes?

You want to go
to the dance with me?

[ Scoffs ] Random.

Why?
I don't know.

It's a high school dance.
With all due respect,

literally who are you?
I'm Madison.

It doesn't seem like you have
a ton of other options, Chad.

This is the most romantic thing
I have ever heard.

[

[ Camera

[ Camera shutter

[ Camera shutter clicking

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Okay, peace signs.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Now rock ons.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Arms crossed back-to-back,
like detectives.

Mm-hmm.

This is so cute.

Chad,
go stand next to Madison.

Mom, I have absolutely
zero interest in doing that,

but thank you.
Chad, stop ignoring her.

It's rude.

Mother, I love you.
Mm-hmm.

But there are wheels in motion
you don't know about,

so please trust me
when I just tell you

there's wheels in motion
you don't know about.

I don't care what wheels
are in motion.

You asked Madison to go
to this dance with you,

so pay attention to her, now.

Mom, look at her.

She's thriving,
doing her little poses.

She friggin' tore one
of her sleeves off.

She's loving life
right now.

Just be a gentleman
and talk to her, okay?

Fine. God.

I'll be a gentleman
for you.

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

So, how are you?
What are your interests?

I don't know.
My uncle just died.

Okay. I'm very sorry
to hear that.

Also, my grandpa died
a few months ago.

Oh, God.

My grandma will probably
die soon

because she can't
live without him.

Oh, it's so romantic.

So, your family is just dying
left and right?

Yeah, pretty much.

And these are
your interests?

[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, Kevin just texted me.

The limo's here.
Thank God!

Alright, well, everyone,
stop talking.

The limo's here.
Let's go!

[ Camera shutter
clicking rapidly ]

[ Door closes ]

[ Man grunting ]

I love how your
awesome little Vespa

matches your dress,
Denise.

Thanks, it's a mobility scooter,
not a Vespa.

Yeah, Denise has chronic
fatigue syndrome, actually.

Okay, geez.
I barely care.

Hmm. Okay.
That was strange.

Hey, Mona, that hostile little
exchange just reminded me--

I really like your dress.

Oh. Thank you, Chad.

It was my mother's.
She gave it to me--

Alright, guys, everybody's gonna
need to get in the car.

We're losing daylight,
and I do not see well at night.

So, less time on the road,
the better.

Everybody, pile in.

After you.

Ladies first. I know that.
[ Chuckles ]

Ugh.
What are you doing?

I'm trying to
sit next to Mona.

I'll talk you up
to her, okay?

What the...
[ Sighs ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Actually,
buddy-- Hey, bud? Little guy?

Come with me.

Sorry, dude.
What?

I'm gonna need you
to sit up front with me.

Why?
With that big-a*s tricycle
in the back seat,

we got a max capacity
situation.

I just wanna sit
with my friends.

Yeah, I know, that's fine.
You'll be with them.

It's just a different
part of the car.

Come with me, and, uh,
you'll be my navigator.

What are you doing?

Dragging you like a toddler
'cause you won't get in the car.

Let's go!
I just wanna sit
with my friends.

Sorry about the papers.

I'm studying to be
an aesthetician.

[ Hip-hop music blaring ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

I should be back there with
my classmates and my crush.

There weren't enough seats.
I'm sorry.

What do you want me to do?
[ Sighs ]

Just hold-- Just--
Can you hold it more like this?

Thank--
There's glare.

What would you have done
if I didn't sit up here?

I'd put it down there.

Could you just start
with it down there?

It's better up here.

Don't read it.
Just hold it.

Does anyone want to
change places with me?

You guys?
It's really fun up here!

We're all good back here,
bro!

Thanks, though!

Not talking to you,
Kev-Nasty.

Just please always assume
I am never talking to you.

Okay, you're, like, right
in my ear when you do that.

You can just turn around.

Put your feet on
that stuff.

There's no room!

There is room
if you put your feet

just in all
that stuff down there.

Ugh, you have a friggin' mound
of trash in here!

The hell's going on
in your car, man?

Stapler?

How often are you
putting documents

together in this thing?

You'd be surprised.

I'm gonna ask you
a serious question.

Do you live in this car?

Live?
Oh, my God.

You live in
this freaking car!
I don't...

[ Indistinct hip-hop music
playing loudly ]

♪

Wanna dance, babe?

Uh, I'm actually feeling
a little fatigued.

Can we go hang out
for a bit?

Oh. Uh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

If I hear one more person
talk about your needs

and how tired you are,
I'm gonna lose it.

Um, w-we'll catch up
with you guys later on.

Don't take it personally.
Something's wrong with her.

♪

Okay, what did Mona say
about me?

Tell me everything.

Who's Mona?

"Who's Mona?"
She's the whole reason I'm here.

That's who you were supposed
to talk about me to.

Sorry, but you
didn't really come up

organically
in our conversation.

Don't be
such a narcissist.

God. Crap.

It looks like she's
having fun with him.

Fricking Kevin.

He drives me crazy,
but God, that man can dance.

Can we go drink now?
My buzz is wearing off.

Buzz is--
When were you drinking?

In the limo.
Can we please table
your sick little addictions?

This night's
really important for me.

Just pipe down
and be normal for a bit.

Oh, my God.
She's such an angel.

♪

She looks so happy.

What are you doing?

I can feel...
your manic energy.

What are you doing
right now?

What is going on
with your body?

Hold my purse.

♪

Come on, Chad.
Dance with me.

Let's make Mona
super jealous.

♪

Oh, my God. It's totally
working! She's noticing us!

Dance harder!

♪

[ "Purple Yellow Red and Blue"
playing ]

♪ All I want to do is ♪

♪ Live in ecstasy ♪

♪ I know what's best for me ♪

♪ I can't help it ♪

♪ It's this hopeless itch ♪

♪ I just wanna feel ♪

♪ Wanna feel ♪

♪ Purple, yellow, red,
and blue ♪

♪

♪ When I grow up, I wanna be ♪

♪ A movie star or on TV ♪

♪

♪ 'Cause workin' just
don't work for me ♪

♪ But I can't focus
feeling hopeless ♪

♪ So I'll just sit back,
try to relieve ♪

♪

♪ All I wanna do is ♪

♪ Live in ecstasy ♪

♪ I know what's best for me ♪

♪ I can't help it ♪

Thank God.
Kevin finally left.

I'm gonna ask her
to dance.

No, you're not.

What?
What are you doing?

Sorry, but your little hard
to get plan worked.

I'm totally into you now,
and you're not going anywhere.

I'm not playing
hard to get.

I'm trying to
dance with Mona.

My God,
she's right there.

You are so unsupportive.

You promised me
you wouldn't do this tonight!

[ Giggles ]
There you go again.

I'm so in.

I got a taste of
that sweet Chad juice,

and I need more.
What?

Stop it.

This isn't even the dance.

Madison,
you're too sexual.

Mona!

♪

That you in there, Chad?
Chad: No.

Can I come in?

Everything okay?
You tell me.

I'm sitting here fear-squatting
on top of a public toilet

to avoid my sexually
aggressive child-date.

Yeah, I don't blame you
for hiding from Madison.

She won't leave me alone
for even a second.

I told her I had to inject
my insulin shots

just to get away from her.

You're not diabetic,
Chad.

Yeah, well, I wish I was
so I'd pass out from it

right now just so I don't
have to see her again.

All I want to do
is dance with Mona.

Well, Madison's been obsessed
with Denise's scooter,

so we could probably distract
her with it to buy some time.

My gosh, Denise would really
do that for me?

Mm, she'd probably be
doing it for me, but yeah.

I think she would.

We don't like her.

Let's give it a whirl.

Thanks, Peter.
Whoa, don't fall.
Don't fall.

Don't fall.
Don't let go of me.
It's hard to balance.

♪ They wanna talk criticize the
swag, but they love it, hey ♪

♪ All my fellas just thump
in your force one air ♪

♪ This is "taughting" them,
no Jordans here ♪

♪ Step up in the rave,
everybody gon' stare ♪

♪ Stunner shades on,
but your "zuits" in the air ♪

♪ So all my olders
and the youths in here ♪

Oh, hey.

Chad.
Oh, my gosh. Hi.

Where did you go?

And where is
your crazy little date?

Oh, man, I literally
have no idea.

I see Kevin
is hardcore committed

to the Cinderella
fantasy carriage.

Yes.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Applause,
slow-paced music playing ]

So, is this is a good time,
like, if you want to dance?

♪

I'd love to.

♪ Are you feeling it, too? ♪

♪ Do you feel it, too? ♪

Chad,
I have a little theory.

Okay.

I think that the marching band
at school the other day

was you trying to ask me
to this dance.

Am I right?
Oh, no.

T-They were just on
their way to...

♪

♪ Are you feeling it, too? ♪

♪

You're right.

I tried asking you
to the dance,

and I had
my a*s handed to me.

[ Chuckles ] Oh.

Bad timing.

I wish you would have
asked me first.

I would have said yes.

You would have?

W-What about Kevin
and his sexy Asian mystique?

Kevin is my friend, yes.

But he is not funny.

You always make me laugh.

I am not without my charm,
I'll give you that.

And you have
a cute little face.

That is true.

I still have to
work on my mind

and my body and my soul
and my thoughts,

but I do have
a pretty solid little face.

[ Chuckles ]
♪ Do you feel it, too? ♪

God, it's just a relief to
hear you say Kevin's not funny.

I've been saying
this for years.

The way you say his name--
Kev-een--

it sounds
so funny sometimes.

I just say it
the way I say it.

No, you say "Kev-een".

[ Both laugh ]

But it's-- it's cute.

I like it, and your funny
little way of saying things.

Thank you.

Are you having fun?

Yeah.

Me, too.

Madison: Hey!

Get away from my king!

Madison. Madison, don't!
What are you doing?

Don't push her!
What are you doing?

It was your idea to bring me
here to make Mona jealous.

I can't help it if I totally
fell for you along the way.

No, wait, Mona--
I'm sorry, what?

♪

No, Mona, no. Don't listen to
anything she's saying.

What is this?

It's true,
but it's not how it sounds.

It's not a bad thing.
It's a sweet thing of me.

I like you.

You brought this girl here
to make me jealous?

Why would you do that?

Do you really think
I'm that stupid?

Of course
you're not stupid. No.

Sorry, but he totally does think
you're that stupid.

No. No.
Which is why
he's with me now.

No, I'm not with you!

[ Fast-paced music playing ]
Stop-- What are you...?

[ Exhales sharply ]

I'm--

I'm not--

I would-- Stop it.

Okay, whatever
this weird little game is,

I want no part of it.

No, wait, Mona.

Mona!
What did you do?

Mona!

Madison, Denise's scooter
is not a toy.

She just got super tired
from dancing

and we couldn't
find it anywhere.

Apologize.

Fine.

Sorry, Denise.
Don't be.

Peter yelling at you
like this is super hot.

Aw. Babe.

♪

♪ Girl, get it, get it,
girl, get it ♪

♪ Girl, get it ♪
When will it end?

♪ Girl, get it ♪

Yeah.

Yeah, no,
we got kicked out.

He's so weird.

No, he's right here.

Yeah, I know, right?

Totally.

He does look like that.
[ Chuckles ]

I don't know
what I was thinking.

Madison, in case it's not
perfectly clear already,

I would love to
never see you again.

You are such
a messy b*tch.

Hey, guys, just a friendly
request that you guys,

uh, don't have sex
back there.

You can fool around.

I just can't-- In this car,
we can't do the whole thing.

Blair, how much longer?

Says about 45 minutes.
Not too bad.

[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh, wait.


It just updated.

♪

[ Cellphone chimes ]


It keeps doing the thing
where it's calculating,

calculating.

♪