01x05 - Whiskey Slaps

[bunniefuu]

♪

Father, God, please bless this
food and the hands that made it

so that we may serve each
other as we serve the Lord.

Praise these things
in Jesus' name.

- Amen.
- Amen.

That was freakin' beautiful,

and just to piggyback
off of that, sir,

I did get kicked off
the Wi-Fi earlier.

Not sure if it needs
a hard reset or what.

We're enjoying each other's
company right now, Chad.

I... Are we?

Do you know what time
our mom is picking us up?

I believe she said 8:30 or 9:00.

So you're ours for
two more hours.

Probably be some phone
time in there, then.

So, what did everyone do today?

I found an injured
bird on the sidewalk.

I brought it to
the school nurse.

Together: But it died.

You probably did prolong
its suffering, though.

How about you, Niki?

I volunteered at a homeless
shelter, and a man there told me

I inspired him to get clean
and turn his life around.

Is that so, Niki?

Yeah.

What was his name?

Bob.

His name was Bob?

Yeah.

And he was inspired
by you, you say?

- Yeah.
- That's really cool.

Sounds incredibly truthful.

Niki, that was lovely.

How do we feel about
firing up that Wi-Fi now?

♪

Hello, family.

Thank you all for taking
your assigned seats.

Chad, what is this? How
long is this gonna take?

Yes, I need you to hurry, Chad.

I have a very
special date tonight,

if you know what I mean.

- With a woman?
- Yes.

Congratulations.

So, I know you're planning

on dropping us off
at the Murphys again,

and while that has been
the situation in the past,

I'd like to talk
about the future.

[ Whoosh! ]

Naz: Oh.

I'm interested to
hear your argument.

You should be. I worked
really hard on this.

[ Drum roll ]

Okay, so that concludes
the presentation portion.

I'd like to open it up now to
a brief question and answer.

That's it?

One slide?

There was actually three slides

'cause there was a title page.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm sorry you don't care
for the Murphys, Chad,

but I just don't
feel comfortable

leaving the two of you
without adult supervision.

Mom, look, if Niki gets scared,
then she can come to me,

or she can go to the Murphys

and I'll just stay here and
Netflix and chill by myself.

I don't think that would
exactly solve the problem.

- Why?
- Oh, my God, 'cause you're the one

- that needs a babysitter, -dumb-a*s!
- Niki!

- What? He does.
- Just tell him. - Stop it.

Mom, please tell me it's
not true what she just said.

I'm sorry, Chad.

I just don't think you're ready.

Well, then I'm sorry, too.

I'm sorry you think I'm
such a piece of crap

I can't even keep myself alive.

Why did you even have me?!

[ Grunts ]

I didn't fall!

[ Sighs ]

♪

Hey, Chad.

Came to check on you.

Brought you a juice.

Juice, Mom?

Ugh, I'm not a freakin' baby.

I know that. Didn't
mean anything by it.

Give me that.

I'm not gonna waste juice.

[ Sighs ]

Okay, maybe I am
being a little unfair.

What if we tried one night
with you as the babysitter?

Yes! Okay.

But you have to
take this seriously.

It is a huge responsibility.

Thank you so much.

You will not regret this, Mom.

Thank you so much! Give
me that little face!

Mwah! Mwah! Chad!

We're getting along!

Alright, let's get
you guys out of here.

Freaking out.

Okay, well, hope
this wasn't the worst

parenting decision of my life.

Well, guess we'll find out.

See you on the other side.

Hey, so I'm gonna go over
to Avery's for a bit.

Hey, so no, you're not.

I promised Mom I would
babysit the crap out of you.

You're not going
anywhere.[ Sighs ]

It's pretty fascinating
that you don't respect

the hierarchy of our family.

Chad, I'm literally
going to her house

to hang out with a
couple of friends.

You don't have to
be such a d*ck.

Young lady, I will not be
tolerating slurs tonight.

Now throw on your
jammies and buckle up,

'cause you're in my house now.

Ya feel?

[ Television playing
indistinctly ]

Niki, look.

Niki. Look.

Am I good on this?

Niki.

Do you think there's a heaven?

Okay, I'm gonna go to bed.

I was actually gonna
tell you to go to bed, so

go to bed.

Niki, brought you some
T-rex-shaped nuggets.

Please tell Mom I'm
good at babysitting...

♪

That little skank.

♪

This kid. I swear
to God, this kid.

Hello, Avery. Yes?

I'm guessing you heard
I'm Niki's legal guardian

for the night, so please
take me to her immediately.

Um, okay.

Come on in.

Off to a good start.
Let's keep it that way.

You need to take your shoes off.

[ Music playing indistinctly ]

So, what the hell are
you guys up to tonight?

Contouring?

Chad?

♪

My God, there's
alcohol all around us.

Chad: Ladies, good evening.

I see you're drinking
and other assorted vices.

Niki, may I have a word?

[ Sighs ]

You're so dead.

Not only do you betray me, but
now you're drinking alcohol?

When the hell did this happen?

I don't know.

Once at 4th of July, once
at Uncle Reza's wedding.

What?

I didn't even know Uncle Reza

believed in alcohol
at his wedding.

Oh, my God. [ Chuckles ]

Have you never drank before?

- We're going home.
- Ow! That hurts!

It's hurting me more than
it's hurting you. Come on!

- You guys okay?
- My lame older brother is making me leave

because he's afraid of alcohol.

[ Scoffs ] You guys,
Niki over here,

the queen of talking
out of her a*s.

I love alcohol.

It's my favorite thing.



Here.

Oh.

Man.

Color brown... my favorite.

Don't you want some?

Honestly, I've been
hitting the bottle so hard

I should put my a*s on one
of those intervention shows.

It's just, drinking with a
bunch of little tiny girls,

I don't think so.

No, thanks, I'm gonna pass.

But just know that I
want to and just tonight,

I'm not going to.

Alright, then, why don't
we kick it up a notch?

Should we play whiskey slaps?

All: Yes!

This sh*t's about
to get twisted!

It's a drinking game.

We don't have to play.

I'm pretty sure I
know what it is, Niki.

I would love to play
whiskey slaps with you guys.

Don't pay attention to Niki.

She's a little scaredy cat.

[ Sighs ]

Chad.

You take the first shot.

Alright, okay.

Do you need help?

Does that answer your question?

[ Clears throat ]

A-Actually, because of my
feelings about women's rights

and putting ladies first,

I think it's only
right that you go.

♪

Jesus Christ.

♪

What is this...
What is this part?

Hello?

Hit me.

- What?
- You're supposed to slap me in the face.

Okay.

[ Giggling ]

You call that a slap?

Hit me for real.

Okay.

Ah.

What are you, a child?

Like this.

[ Laughter ]

Aah![ Gasping ]

Are you okay?

I didn't mean... Aah!

[ Gasping ]

Chad, are you okay?

Girl: Look, he's bleeding.

Don't... No, don't look at me!

♪

Oh, my God.

[ Door opens ]

♪

Dang it.

♪

It's not sad, it's funny.

♪

Avery: Update.

Hit update, then go
to Skin Smoother Lens.

Girl: Anyone else
want to top off?

Korea is so advanced
with filters.

I mean, look. Honestly.

America's, like,


- Oh, please.
- Right?

Speaking of, should
I check up on Chad?

I don't know.

It's, like, so confusing
you guys are even related.

Like, why does he
only wear polo shirts?

Yeah, he's kind of been
this way his whole life.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

♪

[ Tea cups clattering ]

Margaret: Oh, want
some more tea?

Here you go.

[ Humming ]

♪

Hi. I-I don't know who you
are, but can I sit with you?

Sure. I'm Margaret.

Wow, this is like
a whole situation.

♪

I'm Chad.

Thanks for having me
at your tiny tent.

Would you like some tea?

Um

Okay.

Here you go.

That's Kelsey.

What's up, Kelsey?

You're bleeding.

Yeah.

I got punched in the face
by your terrifying sister.

Can I tell you
something, Margaret?

Just a little life advice.

Enjoy all of this now,
because sooner or later,

you're gonna have a damn
household to take care of,

and before you know
it, your sister,

who you raised to be
a nice little lady,

is gonna turn out to
be a giant vapelord

who dances with the devil.

A devil named alcohol.

I can see you're suffering.

What?

I can see in your eyes

there's suffering.

Oh, I think I just
have big-a*s eyes.

No, your eyes are
beautiful, Chad,

but you won't have peace
until they're open.

How did you do that?

Have you ever stopped to
think, "Who are you, Chad?"

Okay, I don't...
Don't really know

what the hell is
going on right now,

but how do...

How do I get people to like me?

They'll like you
when you like you.

How do I do that?

Hey, Niki.

Niki: Hey.

Chad, how's your nose?

Go to her, Chad.

[ Whispering ] I believe in you.

How's my nose?

What do you care?

You're, like, only 12 and you're
already having c*ck hour

with your advanced friends
and your adult conversations.

I heard some of them
talk about technology.

They were talking about
their favorite filters.

I know what I heard!
Technology talk.

Nothing's ever hard for you.

Meanwhile, I'm sitting here
having a full-on tea party.

Well, I am a little
advanced compared to you,

but if that bothers you,

we don't have to be
like enemies over it.

You could ask me things.

Me ask my little sister things?

Yeah, right.

Okay, whatever.

How did you know you were ready?

What?

How did you know you were
ready to drink alcohol?

I don't know. I probably wasn't.

But I had some friends
who were there to help me,

so it wasn't as scary.

So cool.

Do you want me and my friends
to teach you how to drink?

Yeah, I'd like that very much.

Growth.

I'm happy for you, Chad.

She's wild. You should
really hear her riff.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

Hey, guys.

So, it turns out my brother

Chad has actually never
had a drink before,

so I thought maybe we could all
help him through his first time.

Chad: Thank you, Niki.

So much. I-I can
take it from here.

Um, hi.

My name is Chad, and I haven't
had a drink in 14 years.

A-Avery, I am a little
triggered seeing you

because you did physically
attack me in the face.

- You do truly scare me.
- Thank you.

But, yes, I would love your
guys' help with drinking.

Yeah, sure, why not?

[ Cheering ]

Okay, first off, what kind
of alcohol do you want?

- All I know is martini.
- Ooh!

Start off with sour pucker.

It tastes just like
a Jolly Rancher.

Delicious.

Don't forget the chaser.

What I do is I take the
shot and down the chaser.

Shot, chaser. Got it.

Yep. And remember
to plug your nose.

I smelled it my first
time and almost barfed.

Niki, nasty.

- Yeah.
- You got this.

All you, Chad.

Three, two, one!

♪

Great, now I'm trippin' ba*ls!

[ Cheering ]

[ Vomits ]

Well, Niki, you started
out in life so nice to me.

The day you were born,
Mom said you used

all your little baby
dollars to buy me a toy.

But then, honestly,
over the years,

the presents just
started trailing off.

Now look at us.

We're bonding under
these sequoias.

Alcohol, I think,
is good for me.

It turns my brain off
in a way that I'm like,

"Yeah, I like that."

Okay, you are drunk.

Can't believe you
chased me to Avery's.

I know, huh?

Just fully went for it.

♪

[ Cellphone vibrates ]

Oh, no, Mom... Mom's
on her way home.

♪

- You on?
- Yes.

- Position?
- Position.

Let's go!

♪

Oh, my God, it's hard.

Chad, you've got
to change gears.

No, I love this gear.

Can you go any faster?

Niki, I'm working
as hard as I can!

You're just freaking
hanging out,

getting a free ride.

- I'm working my a*s off!
- Oh, my God.

You're not contributing
whatsoever.

[ Crashing ]

- That was so fun.
- Velocity I got.

- Yeah.
- We're doing that again.

There you are. Where were you?

Me and Niki?

We texted you.

Texting me "NOT DEAD, LOL"

in all caps did not
bring me comfort.

[ Both snicker ]

Sorry, I thought you'd
be thrilled to know

that we were not dead.

Hey, I'll go ahead
and take this b*llet.

Get up there.

Not gonna lie, Mom,

we did a really good
job raising her.

[ Clears throat ]

Look, there is no easy
way to slice this.

Niki escaped to drink
alcohol tonight.

But Niki has also had
a very packed night,

so I think we should
just let this one slide.

Well, to start, this
conversation is insane.

You're standing 20
feet away from me.

Well, that's because
I'm afraid of you,

so I'm keeping my
physical distance.

Look [sighs] it's obvious you've
both been drinking tonight.

There will be consequences.
You're grounded.

And you will absolutely not
be left home alone again.

Well, that is your
choice to make,

but it happens to be a bad one.

You know what,
i-it's kind of nice

to see the two of you
spending time together.

So you're off the
hook for tonight.

Well, think it's fair to say

we both earned ourselves
a little sauce.

What is this, a red?

Do you think Hamid's happy?

I'll just take that. Nope.

I tasted it.

[ Sighs ]

♪ Drink, float

♪ Yo, she just wanna

♪ Drink, float

♪ Yo, she just wanna

♪ Couple packs in the
back of the trunk ♪

♪ Play tough gimmie that
slump... wanna another... ♪

♪ I ain't gonna say no, just
burn... to the... yeyo ♪

♪ Never let her dress,
but her... got a halo ♪

♪ Big news BMA but I stay low

♪ Drink, float

♪ Yo, she just wanna

♪ Drink, float

♪ Yo, she just wanna