01x01 - The Magician's Assistant

[bunniefuu]

Meet Terry Seattle,
Homicide Division.

For Terry, every day,
means a new m*rder case,

and a new celebrity guest star
as his partner.

Today's guest:
comedy legend Conan O'Brien.

But here's the catch.

Conan isn't being given a script.

He has no idea what's about to happen.

Together, he and Terry will have
to improvise their way through the case.

But it'll be up to Conan alone
to name the k*ller.

So join them
as they punch a one-way ticket

to Murderville.

The big city.

Where only the strong survive...

And the ruthless... thrive.

I just made that rhyme up.

No big deal.
I can do all sorts of cool stuff.

My name is Terry Seattle.

I'm a senior homicide detective.
And I am k*lling it.

Detective.

Morning, Chief.

Pleasure to see you.

Pleasure to see you.
I hope you're doing very well.

I am doing very well. Thank you.

You need to come past the house
and pick up the rest of your crap.

That is not crap, Rhonda,
that's 17 years of marriage.

It's a broken PlayStation 2,
some old Maxim magazines,

a car wash receipt signed by Axl Rose

and a "Take me drunk I'm home" t-shirt.

If you had read
just one of those Maxim articles,

you would know that as a modern male...

Terry, come get your sh*t
or I'm throwing it out.

Okay?

Okay.

Don't pout, Detective.
I've got a present for you.

A new partner.

No, you can't be serious. Come on,
my life's not going wrong enough as it is

that I gotta babysit
some homicide trainee?

Do you not remember what happened
when I babysat your nephew?

Come on out, Conan.

Come a little closer.

I never liked to presume
how close I can get.

That's just fine.

Terry, meet your new partner,
Conan O'Brien.

Conan, this is senior detective,
Terry Seattle.

Good to see you, sir. How are you?

Got quite a grip on you, huh?

- Yeah.
- Good Lord.

- Yes.
- Yeah, okay. Yeah.

Put your fingers in your ears.

Are you joking?

I mean, did I just turn seven years old?
Because you hired a g*dd*mn clown!

You're the only detective
who can't keep a partner.

Yeah, because they're all idiots!

I mean, look at this guy with his fingers
in his ears. I mean, God!

I can actually,

the fingers don't actually block out
the sound that well,

so I heard clown, I heard idiot.

Terry, make it work.

Nice to meet you.

Let me tell you something.

This ginger monstrosity is the biggest
mistake in the history of city homicide!

No offense.

None taken.

You seem very nervous.

It's my first day on the job
and you're a bit of a legend, so.

It's Terry Seattle. Is that it?

You do more bowing
than a g*dd*mn Tommy Tune.

Okay, bit of an outdated reference
if you ask me, but...

Follow me.

It's a great office you have here.

Talker.

Yeah. Okay.

Senior detective, Terry Seattle.
And no, I've never been.

That was gonna be my first question.

- Of course it was.
- Yeah.

I got married in Seattle.

What?

I got married in Seattle.

No, I mean, you got married?

Yeah.

To what?

To a wonderful woman.

Does she know?

Uh...

She has an idea.
Let's just put it that way.

Listen,

I hope you don't take this personal,

but I'm not really looking
for a new partner. I already had the best.

Her name was Lori Griffin.
And she was m*rder*d 15 years ago.

Oh...

And out of respect for Lori Griffin,

her desk has remained
completely untouched.

Since that night.

Everything is the same, just the way
she left it. Her case notes,

her uneaten breakfast burrito,

her pet rabbit, Gulliver.
God, I miss that little guy.

You know, you can feed those things
even after the owner's gone.

It would not be respectful to touch it.

Just feed and water them,
a rabbit can live...

Disrespectful.

40 years.

Disrespectful.

What'd you do prior to this,

before you decided to become a homicide
detective? What kind of work were you in?

Been a lot of things.
An entertainer for a while. I, uh...

Yeah. Well, listen,
none of that matters now. Nobody cares.

- Well, you just asked.
- No, but none of it matters.

City homicide
isn't for precious little man-boys

who are afraid to get their lips dirty
and their pants wet. Okay?

No, I wouldn't think so.

'Cause you don't know anything
about getting your lips dirty, do you?

You probably keep your lips real clean.

I can get these lips
as dirty as you want them to be.

Just covered in all kinds of stuff.

City homicide, we're bad dudes.

I'm a bad dude. Are you a bad dude?

Listen,

you are a bad mofo. Everyone knows it.

And I want to get in there. I want
to get my hands dirty, my lips dirty.

I want to solve
whatever case comes our way.

He's got the goods.

He's got what it takes to be a hard-a*s,
homicide detective trainee.

Well, that's good news.
Because there's been a m*rder.

What?

A magician performing
at the grand opening of the city library

sawed his assistant in half

but couldn't put her back together again.

Classic Humpty Dumpty.

I need you two down there on the double.

Goodbye, Chief.

You ready to go solve this m*rder?

I am. I'm ready to go.

- Yeah, let's get going.
- All right.

We took my '82 Dodge Rampage

over to the library to check out
the crime scene.

It was time for Conan
to take off his training diaper

and start pooping his pants
like a big boy.

Terry Seattle, Senior Detec...
Doesn't matter.

You don't need to show...
we're in a crime scene, okay?

I think we should find out
what the hell went on here.

- Officers.
- Officers.

I already said officers.

Okay.

Well, well, look at this guy.

Hola, Seattle.

You must be Terry's new partner.

Yes. I'm his new partner, Conan O'Brien.
What's your name?

Detective Darren Phillips.
Most people call me Daz.

Nobody call... I don't call you Daz at all.

It's a pleasure.

Detective Phillips, honor to see you.
What's going on?

All right, stop schmoozing with this guy.
What's wrong? You're just embarrassing.

Just tell him it's our crime scene
and get the hell out of here.

Hey, this is our crime scene.
We're taking lead on this one.

We understand
there's been a homicide m*rder.

Uh, victim sawed in half during some kind
of magical performance, if you will.

Why are you telling him? He's an officer.

I'm reviewing the facts
of what I've heard so far.

Let's continue.
Sir, please. How can we help?

What do we got here?

This gentleman is Captivating Keith.

It was his assistant
who got sawed in half.

I don't know what happened, man.

My assistant, Sarah and me, we just...

we did the same routine we've always done.

Somebody must have gone in
and they must have

replaced the trick saw with a real saw.

The blood. There, there, blood.
It's just everywhere! Blood!

Did you think at any point
when there was all that blood

that maybe you should stop sawing?
Did that occur to you?

Maybe.

Did you have a safe word
that you normally employ?

- Of course we had a safe word.
- Okay.

If anything was to go wrong, my assistant
was supposed to shout, "Stop!"

But all I heard was,
"Keith, you're sawing me in half."

- I guess it's not the safe word.
- No, they're not the same.

- Yeah, well... Really isn't.
- There's rules.

We're sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Amber.

This is Amber Kang. Forensics.

Nice to see you.

- Wow, wow, wow.
- Uh...

Homicide detective, Kang Coroner... Uh...

- What...?
- What? I'm sorry.

What are you doing?
You're embarrassing, you're so nerv...

I got nervous.

Amber, um...

we'd like to know what's happening here.
State of the body... dead, I presume.

Very dead.

What've we got here, Amber?

Let me take you over to the m*rder weapon.

Now, here's something interesting.
No fingerprints.

But, you'll never guess
what I did find on the handle.

Traces of hot sauce.

Wow!

- Hot sauce on the handle.
- Spicy.

The body is right there.

And you're being a total clown.

Now, just take it easy.

Uh... traces of hot sauce. Were you able
to trace what kind of hot sauce?

Not yet, but we also found
trace amounts of pet hair.

Most likely a small animal.

Interesting.

What are you thinking?
Maybe a beagle out for revenge?

Anything else, Amber?

Well, did you take a look at the suitcase?

Says this is where
Captivating Keith kept his trick saw.

Now apparently,
he was the only one with a key

so someone must have picked the lock,
switched the saws.

Excuse me, Mr. Policeman.

Yes?

When is the magician
going to finish the trick?

Uh...

Well,

I'm gonna look at some evidence

and this tall, young gentleman here

will be happy to answer
any of your questions.

So...

Hello, what's your name?

When is the magician
going to put the lady back together?

Well,

the lady can't go back together

because what happened,

is the magician

really sawed her in half,

cut through skin,

ligament, muscle, bone.

She had instantaneous,
probably 90% blood loss

and then she went into that black void

known as death.

Where there is no return.

She's gone. Gone forever.

What does that all even mean? I don't...

She's dead.

- I just don't understand...
- She's so dead.

I just don't understand.
Is magic real or not?

It's a very simple question, sir.
It's a yes or no!

It's not magic.

It is magic.

- God.
- Look at the sign behind you.

Yeah, I know.
That's what grown-ups call a lie.

Is this what dying is?

That's what I told you.
Yes, this is what dying is like.

She'll go to heaven, right?

Oh, well, I don't know.

Will she still be in two pieces
when she's in heaven?

Well, no, my guess is,
before they put her in the ground...

All right, trainee, let's go.
We found some new evidence.

Was on my knee for a long time.

Our first suspect was
Captivating Keith's former assistant, Deb.

She'd recently been fired and replaced

with the much younger
and now much deader, Sarah.

Welcome to Quirky Jack's Homestyle Eatery.

Where we serve heaping portions of whimsy
and medium-sized portions of food.

My name is Deb, I'll be your server.

Can I start you off with a bowl
of our world-famous deep-fried chowder?

We're not really hungry for food, Deb.

We are hungry for answers.

Is this about what happened to Sarah
at Keith's magic show?

That's right.
It is about what happened to Sarah.

Okay. Listen, I'll talk to you,
but you're gonna have to order something

because otherwise
my boss is gonna get mad.

Okay. Yeah, well, I could eat something.

Sure, yeah. I'll have...

Oh, you know what,
they got the sloppy jalapeñ-joes.

They're back. Yeah, we'll take
two of those. The sloppy jalapeñ-joes.

Do you want to add two sloparitas
for five bucks more?

- Let's do it.
- Two, dos, sloparitas.

- Yes.
- I'll be back with your food.

You're gonna love
this sloppy jalapeñ-joes.

You have never had a wetter sandwich.
It's unbelievable.

All right.
Well, I'm looking forward to it.

It's like eating throw up.
That's delicious.

All right, we got two sloppy jalapeñ-joes.

Yes, we sure do.

And two sloparitas.

Two sloparitas.

This is good. And you gotta try
some of this signature spicy slop sauce.

You know,
it just makes it extra sloppy.

That is extremely hot...

Yeah. That's good.
You have never had a sloppier sandwich.

Okay.

- Get right into it, huh?
- Yup. Eat up.

Yeah, I got other tables, so...

Well, I don't have other murders. So.

- God, it's wet.
- Okay.

Yeah, okay.

That is a sloppy sandwich.

- I tried to warn you.
- Yeah.

All right, you got some questions
in your notebook.

Yeah, did you have questions for me?

Go ahead. sh**t.
This is your time to shine.

- Jesus Christ.
- Hey, we haven't got all day.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Wanna take another bite first?
Are you hungry?

Let me get that sloppy for you.
You've never had a sloppy sandwich.

- Well, this is great.
- Just slop it. Really slop it.

No, it's great.
It's very aggressive on your part.

Oh, my God.

Go ahead.

Dive in there, Conan.

Is it true Captivating Keith

replaced you with Sarah
'cause he thought you'd gotten too old?

Jesus Christ, Conan.
What the hell's wrong with you?

I spent the best years of my life

getting shoved into boxes
and like, attacked

by doves or very mean animals.

For what? So I can be replaced

by some 19-year-old with fake boobs

who doesn't even know
how to pick a closed-shackle padlock.

It's humiliating!

Get in there! You're not...

I don't know what you're talking about!
I'm eating everything!

He's right.
You're not slopping the Joe.

I wanna die.

Another question for you.

Is it safe to say
you held a grudge against Sarah?

Duh! Wouldn't you?

Probably.

What's wrong with your face?

I have high blood pressure.

Is there anyone else
who might have wanted to hurt her?

She used to be another
magician's assistant. Magic Melvin.

Magic Melvin?

Yeah. I heard they separated on bad terms,
so you could talk to him.

You okay?

Maybe you need to get in that sloppy...

No, I can't. I honestly,
I have had so much of that right now.

- Everything's gonna be okay.
- It's not gonna be okay!

Dude, look at my life!

No one wants to hire
a 40-year-old magician's assistant!

Oh, please.

I work in this crappy job.

My clothes smell like steam meat.
My stupid boyfriend tried to cheer me up

by buying me a puppy,
but I have allergies.

So, I had to tell him,
"You can't keep that dog in my house."

And then he said, "I can't talk right now,
Deb. I'm with my wife and kids."

"And you know we have boundaries."

So, now I have no choice
but to go over to his house

and make a scene
in front of his entire family.

I'll take this when you're ready.

Thanks to Deb's tip,

we brought Captivating Keith's rival,
Magic Melvin, in for questioning.

It was time for Conan and me
to take the gloves off.

We got a suspect.
We got this guy Melvin coming in.

- We're gonna break this guy.
- Okay.

We're gonna break his will.

Want to do good cop bad cop?
Or should we just both be bad cop?

I think two bad...
I think bad cop, bad cop.

- Bad cop, worse cop.
- Yeah.

Here we go.

Can I get you anything?
Coffee, anything you need?

Actually, yup, you know what,
I'll have a breakfast burrito.

Uh, three eggs,

soft scrambled, onions and peppers,

Tabasco, salt, and pepper.

And you know what my favorite trick is?

Making that little thing
disappear every morning.

Okay, no food for a m*rder suspect.

Do you guys want anything?

Get out of here, Hughes. You're the worst.

Now, you listen to me, Melvin.
Grab a seat, O'Brien.

God, that started off so cool.

I know, I couldn't...

You flipped it
and then you couldn't land it.

No, I just...
I didn't think about it ahead of time.

So, magic Melvin.

Can you see me through the mirror?

Oh, hi. I talk to my wife like this
when she's doing her makeup.

- You got a lot of jokes, Melvin.
- Yeah, you got a lot of jokes.

Well, you know, as a magician I do have
patter and I do like to have fun.

Tell my partner a joke.

Alright, so these two Jews walk into a...

- Jews, okay, no. We're not cool with that.
- Okay, alright, we're not gonna do that.

Do something else.

Alright. So, four or five Jews...

- No, no, no.
- You know what? No.

No, listen up, Melvin.

Do you know what happened
to your former assistant, Sarah, today?

Yes, it's terrible.
It's a magician's worst nightmare.

Unbelievable acting.

You don't seem that busted up
about it and I wonder why?

'Cause maybe
you had something to do with it!

Detective, what are you accusing me of?

A young woman was m*rder*d
against her will today

and if I find out that
you had anything to do with it,

I swear to God, I will peel off your skin,

eat it and then sh*t it out

and use that excrement

as fertilizer to grow a tree
from which I will one day hang you from.

You're gonna die
and we're going to watch you,

unless you tell us exactly,
exactly what happened!

- What happened?
- What happened?

Detectives,
I am as law-abiding as they come.

I can give you an example.

Whenever I find something
that's not mine, I always return it.

Such as this quarter I just found

- What the...?
- behind your ear!

And wait! Oh, oh, my goodness.
Look at this, another one!

Can you see that?

Yeah, he's got it in his hand before...

That's incredible!

Quarters are very easy
to lose behind your ears

- because they're small.
- 'cause they're small.

But if I mix it up just a little bit.
You can hear it and I...

blow it, look at this.

And now it's a single half-dollar
fifty-cent piece.

Make sure to put that in your piggy bank.

- That is astounding.
- It's not.

Holy sh*t.

He's always got one in the other hand.

My jaw is on the floor.

Oh, well, then maybe
we should clean it up.

- Actually, that was pretty cool.
- Let me just clean up the jaw.

- I like that one.
- We don't need this thing anymore.

So all we do a little pixie dust.
Rub it on here and...

- I didn't see... Okay, that was...
- No way!

- That was insane. That was...
- That's what I'm talking about.

- That was a solid B+ up-close trick.
- I got to be honest with you...

I feel good, I feel like I'm good
with this suspect. There's nothing.

No, I have questions.

Can you tell us what happened
between you and your old assistant?

Was there a falling out?

- I can tell you the whole story.
- Okay.

But first I just need some help from you.

- Okay.
- If you don't mind.

Anything ever.

So, what I'd like you to do is,
here's a deck of cards.

Don't they frisk people before they
bring them into this interrogation room?

- Now.
- Okay.

- I'll spread these out and I want you...
- Looks like a regular deck of cards.

Please, detective,
to take any card you want.

Any one, any card.
Don't let me influence you.

Just choose one. Is that the one you want?
Do you want to change your mind?

- Okay. I do want to change my mind.
- Very good.

I'm gonna take this one here.

We can be here all day. Thank you.

I'd love to be here...
I mean, I could watch this all day.

You've taken the card. Show it to your
partner, please. Do not show it to me.

I'm looking away, I'm looking down.
Alright.

And now I'd like you to put it back
anywhere you like in the deck.

I'm going to watch this hands
this whole time. I'm gonna get this.

Eye on him.

And now, we're going to mix them up
real good. And I will tell you

that Sarah was my assistant
for a few months

and everything was going great.

She'd been doing a terrific job
and then one day,

she just didn't show up for work,

and I thought it was strange.
And then the next week,

I saw that she was working
for Captivating Keith

and he was performing all my tricks!

- She stole your tricks.
- She stole your act.

- That's motive, right there.
- That is motive, that is.

Aha, but I will tell you
it's been a blessing

because it took me out of my comfort zone

and it forced me
to take my act to the next level.

So I'm very thankful for this.

- Can I ask the two of you a question?
- Yeah, ask away.

Sir, would you please
lift up this tape recorder

that's been sitting here
the entire time in full view

and you'll see that
there is in fact a single playing card.

Would you, for the very first time,

tell us what card
you picked out of the deck?

It was the Queen of Spades.

Queen of Spades.
And now, if you will just check

the card right there
and tell us all, show us all

that it is, in fact, the Queen of Spades.

Are you kidding?

Ladies and gentlemen.

That is sorcery!

That's incredible!

No one gets that excited about the cards.

Are you...

Maybe if you're that scared,
you should cuff me up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Let me get in on this.

Let's see, okay, let's see. No way.

You know,
the problem with handcuffs is that

they sometimes don't seem to work

especially on someone
who knows actual magic!

He did it!

Thank you very much.

Gentlemen, I would love to stick around
all day and do my whole act,

but I have to get going.
I have a children's show today

and I have to Scotchgard my rabbit.

So if I'm free to go...

Uh, gentlemen, I bid you farewell.

Hey, sorry, it's down the hall

through the double doors
and then to the right or left?

Yeah, yeah, through the...
and to the... to your right, yes.

- Right, okay.
- Okay.

We had one more suspect,
and to get to her,

Conan was going to have
to make a house call.

Alright, this is the home
of Kathy Johanson.

She's the leader of the local chapter
of Mothers Against Magic Association.

They believe that magic
can lead to the occult,

devil worship, and S-E-X.

Sex.

You knew what I meant when I said...?

- Yeah. I spelled it out.
- I see.

So what I need you to do is,
I need to get in there and infiltrate

and see if she is capable of m*rder.

And you're going to use this earpiece,

where I got an earpiece in
and you're going to use this ear piece.

And I'm going to put that in and I...

You're gonna put it in and you're just
going to listen to what I got to tell you.

And just do exactly as I say.

Okay.

But we need a code word. Obviously.

If things go south.

If things go south,
we're going to need a code word.

I got it.

Tittynope.

Tittynope.

Yeah, you know what "Tittynope" means?

No, I don't.

It's like a small gathering
of like leftovers.

Like a crumbs or whatever on a plate.

- Oh, a little tittynope.
- Yeah, it's a little tittynope.

This is a great ride, by the way.

Thank you.

Yeah, is it a car or a party favor?

Oh, you're kidding.

I should go.

Alright, Conan. I want you
to approach the door and knock.

Hello, there, lovely woman.

Well, hello there, lovely woman.

I'm sorry, but this is a private event
for mothers only.

Yeah, but I just moved to town.

Yeah, you see, I just moved to town.

And I really hate magic.

And I hate magic.

Can I get some kind of a day pass?

And I thought maybe
I could get a day pass. Is that cool?

What's your name?

It's Todd.

- It's Todd.
- Todd, Todd what?

Todd Caring...

My name is Todd Caring.

Ton.

- Ton.
- Berg.

Caringtonberg. My name...

Son.

I'm sorry, Todd Caringtonbergson, and...

Field.

Field.

Where are you from,
Todd Caringtonbergensonfield?

Just pick a state that nobody lives in.

I'm from Idaho.

I grew up in Idaho.

You're doing great, partner. Really great.

But listen, you're on your own
for a few minutes.

There's something really important
I need to do.

I'm sure that you heard
what happened to my son, Jimothy.

One day he was practicing
coin tricks in front of the mirror.

The next, he's God knows where,

doing street magic
and playing Hide the Honker.

Yes, so...

You'd think these magicians

would take responsibility
for their actions, but they don't care.

I've been begging Captivating Keith
for years to think of the children.

- Yeah.
- Begged him.

And if that poor assistant of his,
if her m*rder

saves even one child from a life of magic,

it would have been worth it.

- Can I make you a snack?
- Yes.

Todd.

- Yes, that's fine.
- Okay.

Let me get you a bowl
of Helen's famous chili!

Oh, I'm...

Thank you, Helen.

Yeah, I can already believe...

Here, you're gonna want some of this on it

because, to be honest,

that cat food
has more taste than this chili.

So let me get this straight.
You're angry and you're happy.

I wouldn't say happy, it's a death. But

if you think about
the power of death and life after.

- How's that?
- It's so good.

- Yes?
- It's so good.

Oh, my goodness.

I've got to get
this meeting started!

Okay, let's sit you down
right over here. Todd.

Oh. Oh, yes. Right here? Sure.

Hudson.

Thank you so much.
Let's get started, ladies.

Why don't we gather around?

Okay, now before we get started,

I'd like to introduce
a very special guest.

Todd, go ahead and stand up. Don't be shy.

Todd, ladies, this is Todd.

New members always give a testimonial

and I'd like you to stand here
and tell this group of God-fearing women

the moment that you realized magic

is the devil's tool.

Mmm...

Well, I'll tell you all it was
an incredible experience that I had.

I was a child

and I wanted to be a magician.

So I practiced and practiced

and became quite the magician,
a very good magician.

And one day I went down
to the school yard, and I said,

"Check this out" and I fanned out my deck,

and before I could do anything else,

they beat me.

They beat me for 40 minutes,

then they stopped,

and they went and got ice cream,

came back and continued beating me.

And what happened to the boys
who beat you up?

Well, they all became senators.
Every single one of them.

Name one.

Dianne Feinstein.

Was the head bully.

Beat me savagely.

It doesn't make any sense.

I'm starting to wonder if your name
is even Todd Caringtonbergenson.

Oh, please.

Todd, what is the state fish of Idaho?

It is a...

white-bellied cod.

Wrong!

It's the cutthroat trout.

Well, who knows the state fish?

This person is an imposter, ladies,

and he's using the art of illusion

to get us to have S-E-X.

No!

Get him! Mama! Mama!

- Mama! Mama! Mama!
- Tittynope! Tittynope!

...just appeared then.

Now, we have to do French drop
which is a ball transfer,

reach forward again, and again you say,

"Oh, is that another quarter in your ear?"

Mama! Mama! Mama!

Conan.

- Tittynope. Tittynope.
- Conan, what's going on? What's going on?

- Tittynope! Tittynope!
- Mama! Mama!

Alright, lock yourself
in a safe room, Conan.

I'm coming to save you.

- Tittynope!
- Mama! Mama! Mama!

It's locked. We can wait him out, though.

Ladies! There's a guy in the corner
asking kids to pick a card.

Any card!

Conan! It's senior detective,
Terry Seattle. You can come out now.

You're safe.

- You're safe. Are you okay?
- I'm okay. I'm okay. I'm good.

All right, let's get the hell out of...

Wow. Look at all these snacks.

Let's grab some stuff, come on.

They got plain tortillas.
I can never find plain tortillas.

Well, they're pretty available.

No, but every time
I go to the grocery store, I'm like,

"Do you have any plain tortillas?"
they're like, "No, we're fresh out."

They're very available.

Everyone has plain tortillas.

It was time for Conan to decide

who k*lled poor Sarah,

so we lured the three suspects
back to the library

under the guise of another magic show.

Ladies and gentlemen, we will not
be performing any illusions tonight.

No, in fact, if anything,
we will be removing an illusion.

The illusion

of innocence.

That's right.

Before us here are these three top hats.

In each one is the name of a suspect.

My partner, Conan O'Brien,

will now reveal who he believes
committed this m*rder.

Conan, was it Deb,

was it Magic Melvin,

or was it Kathy?

Conan,

please choose who you think is the k*ller.

The m*rder*r...!

Magic Melvin.

No.

What is going on here?

Chief, we figured out who the k*ller is.

Conan figured it out.

I have all the logic
as to why it has to be Magic Melvin.

I'm not sure exactly
why I dressed as a magician,

but I am certain

he is the m*rder*r.

And what is your evidence?

Magic Melvin,

you told us that you had
to go Scotchgard your rabbit.

Maybe to keep hot sauce off the rabbit,

because who leaves hot sauce
on a saw and no fingerprints?

Why, sir, that is the act

of a magician.

I also think you had another motive.

I think that Kathy is your mother.

That you hate your mother

and that because
she's turned her back on magic,

you wanted to frame her.

That part's pretty far-fetched.

I'm the youngest person in this room.

I understand.

And I don't know
how the whole age thing works.

I'm still working on that.

It's very possible I could be your father.

- Yeah.
- Age-wise.

Conan O'Brien,

it brings me no joy
to tell you that you are...

100%...

Correct.

Yes!

Yes!

It was Magic Melvin
who k*lled the magician's assistant.

You did notice that Melvin put hot sauce
on his breakfast burrito every morning.

Three eggs soft scrambled,
onions, peppers, Tabasco...

And owned a rabbit for his act.

I have to Scotchgard my rabbit.

We know it couldn't have been Deb.
She was allergic to pets.

My boyfriend tried to cheer me up by
buying me a puppy, but I have allergies!

Meanwhile Kathy
had more motive than anyone,

but she didn't know
how to pick the lock on the door

when you ran
like an overgrown gazelle for safety.

It's locked.

But you know who could pick a lock?
Magic Melvin.

Especially on someone
who knows actual...

- He did it!
- Thank you very much.

Magic Melvin was the k*ller.

Take him away.

I only m*rder*d her
'cause I wanted her dead!

It's a very... It's a good reason
to m*rder somebody.

The handcuffs
are not going to work on him.

Already, no handcuffs.

Conan O'Brien, congratulations.

Well, Conan, you did it.

You solved the case,
even though your logic was...

crazy nonsensical.

But you make a fantastic cop.

You know, I also learned something.

I learned a little magic trick.

You learned magic.

That's right. Go ahead and sneeze.

Here.

Let me get you a handkerchief.

Go ahead.

I've got a handkerchief.

It's not ending. It's not ending.

This is legitimately not ending.

- It's a lot of...
- I'm getting...

Okay, you know what?
Now, I just hate magic. This is stupid.

On the next episode
of Murderville...

Terry say hi
to your new partner, Marshawn Lynch.

- How much training have you had?
- I watched Training Day.

This was the m*rder weapon.