01x04 - Missouri Mutual Life & Health Insurance Company

[bunniefuu]

Why are you dressed like that?
Like an umpire?

Because I'm an umpire.

- What? What?
- Yeah, at Strohmeyer Park.

Bronco and Mustang Games. I told you.

- When?
- Like last Saturday.

I said I needed to pick up
some part-time weekend work,

so we can get better plates
and dishes for the household,

and, you know, a more grown-up
furniture set for Richard and stuff.

You don't remember
me saying that? I told you.

I told you I was going
to pick up Saturday sessions.

Right, and I said
that that wasn't gonna be enough

and I was gonna have to pick up
some work nearby.

You don't remember that?

- Okay, yeah.
- Okay.

Hey, can you cancel
the lawn maintenance guys,

- today, please?
- 'Cause we were supposed

- to do it last month…
- Okay.

- …and I just got another bill.
- Okay, yeah.

I totally forgot to do it.
So, yeah, I'll…

Yeah, because we have to start cutting
all these, you know, all these things,

or we're never gonna be able
to get Richard into private school,

or do any of the things
that we have to do.

- I'm totally gonna do it today.
- Okay. Wow.

Why umpire?

Because it's right behind the house
and it's 85 dollars a game.

I don't know much about baseball,
but it's gonna be weird. Whatever.

Hey, it's cold, ump.

- Let's go.
- I'm waiting for you.

You have to say "play ball."

- For what?
- For, like, the game to start.

- Just start it.
- Well, you have to say "play ball."

- Play ball.
- No, not to me. To, like, everyone.

Hey, hi.

Play ball.

Not to each kid.
Just yell it out to everyone.

Play ball!

So, the ump thing.

You gonna be doing that for a while, huh?

Yeah.

A new school?

Floyd, we're like three years away

from even being able
to make a deposit on that.

And we still have to get
the more grown-up furniture set

and stuff for Richard's room.

That was on the list for last year.
Almost two years now.

Yeah. Cool.

We'll just cut corners 'til then.

Cool.

So, you're gonna do the ump… ump thing

- until then, huh?
- Yeah.

Yeah, cool.

Cool.

So, you don't honor that coupon?

- Not on the sirloins.
- I don't get this.

We… we don't honor the…
"Excludes selected…"

Yeah, this doesn't apply.

Okay, well, then,
no way, Jose, on those sirloins.

- Okay. Here, did you want…
- No, it's worthless.

Whoa! Whoa, little man.
What is this bullshit? Twenty dollars?

Strike! Strike.

Strike.

Move it, Tuba.

No way, Jose!

Okay. You're okay. You're okay. Okay.

- Happy birthday.
- Floyd!

- Oh, no way, Jose.
- No, yes, yes, yes. They're very feminine.

Strike three, you're out!

We're almost there
in terms of getting nicer plates and bowls

for the household and a more
grown-up furniture set for Richard,

and bedding and stuff, you know?

And the tuition. Hey, come on.

We want to get there, right?

- Yep. Yes.
- We want to…

Yeah, we want to get there, Floyd.

I don't see why they wouldn't
just put that right on the coupon,

that it doesn't include top sirloin.

You know, we haven't paid
his therapy bills for two months,

so they've started sending letters.

Have you noticed any change since therapy?

No. No, not really.

We've been talking.

Richard. We've been talking.

School's not really for him.

- Well, I mean, the vest.
- I don't think it's the vest.

I just think people don't know him.

If people knew him…

they could like him.

The new school…

what a chance that could be for him.

Yeah. Yes. So…

no way, Jose, on these, okay?

Okay.

Price check at 12. Price check at 12.

I mean, how did my son ruin all your milk?

Is this Albertson's?

Then don't you know
how my son ruined all your milk?

f*ck.

Hey, Queece. Stephen Queece.

- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, can I get my ump money?

Do we ha… You didn't get your ump money?

- No. For three weeks.
- Three weeks what?

I haven't been paid
for three weeks, Queece.

- Come on.
- sh*t, okay.

- Let me look into it with the league.
- Okay, thanks. That's 600 a month, right?

- Thanks.
- Where are you going?

There's an issue with my son.

There's… He did something
with the milk at Albertson's.

- Mustang game.
- What?

You're on the afternoon Mustang game.
Rattlers versus the Comets. Field four.

I just umped two games,
and I gotta go pick up my kid,

- and my husband's away at his mother's.
- Carol.

I'm on field three. That's the schedule.
And I can't pay you

if you don't work
the games you signed for.

Wow. Okay.

Play ball!

Out!

Game over.

- Bullshit!
- Bullshit!

I just don't understand
how this could happen.

Neither do I.

But you still have to pay for the milk.

Hey, Carol Love.

Hey.

How's your mom doing?

She's… pretty good.

How are you doing?

I'm…

okay.

Can I… can I talk to you
for a second about one thing?

What?

The…

- The what?
- The…

The umpire gear…

around the house…

Okay.

So, in general,
I'm really glad that you're doing it?

I mean, Little League
is a great place for kids

to learn about team dynamics?
Also get some sunshine?

So, I think it's a really good idea
that you're doing it?

Why are you doing uptalk?

- Doing what?
- Doing everything ends in a question?

- Doing kids are in the sunshine?
- Okay, I'm not?

- Okay, you are?
- Okay. Well, maybe I'm just, you know,

maybe I'm a little nervous
about, you know,

saying that the umpire gear
around the house…

it makes it a little hard for me
to get my engine revved, you know?

It kinda…

'Cause it kinda neutralizes? Sexually?

So, maybe if there was more time

around the house
when you weren't an umpire?

I thought it was important to share this?

- You know, so that our sex life can…
- Yeah, okay. Thank you.

Okay.

Okay.

Wow.

Okay.

I sent out some invites
for a cornhole party.

I'm jacked for you
to meet my friend Clark,

the weatherman guy I told you about.

I'm jacked.

f*ck.

It's not always a big thing,

but underwater demolition
can get pretty dangerous.

Sometimes with… with multiple blasts
right in a concentrated area.

Multiple blasts?

You bet.

Are you excited about the wine bike trip?

Yes.

It's gonna be 64, 65, you know.

Perfect.

Get outside of town in a bike group
of nice people. You know?

Drink some wine, not too much.

Just share that
with someone special, you know.

Perfect day.

- I know.
- Oh, my God.

This is so… This one is so… Here.
This is really fruity.

There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is that good?

Look at this.

Pick your fave,
and we'll have it at lunch in the bistro.

- It's totally this one.
- Yeah?

Yeah. Yeah.

Perfect day.

Perfect day.

Hey, remember when I was telling you
that I… I Frenched that guy?

I don't know if I wanna do DTF anymore.

I don't know, Clark. I mean, I…

I don't know how to,
like, be in that scene.

Just in over my head with this one.

Okay.

I worry…

you know, that he knows
that my heart wasn't in that French.

I…

Maybe I hurt his feelings.

Just…

I worry at night so much.

My thoughts swirl.

Oh, God, this wine's my fave.

Hey, so…

so what are you worried about
mostly at night?

Like dying.

Then my secrets are known.

Like what?

Like I owe, like…



I mean, I don't even look
at the tax bills anymore.

And like…

Like that's what I leave. Just that.

It's, like… not nothing, it's worse.

I worry about Richard.
I worry about Carol. And…

you know, when you lie down in bed,

you feel
like your heart's supposed to rest, right?

Your heart's supposed to go…

And mine just races.

It's like I got, like, a bird heart.

How?

They work so hard, you know,
to fly and their heart just, like…

races.

My heart's like that.
It's like a bird heart.

But I can't fly.

Yeah, it's my fave.

Richard has borderline
personality disorder,

which means that, like,
impulse control is limited.

Man.

Yeah. Public school is tough for him.
There is another school with fewer kids.

And they all are, like, different,
you know, like him.

And I lie in bed and I think,
"How could I afford this?"

And then I worry about him.

You know I can…

You know, I…
I could cover you with this,

you know, with these problems,
these worries.

No, man. No.

- Hey, man, at the gym, B out the B.
- B out the B?

I can help in life
the same way you helped me at the gym.

I can help you get these bills down
so you can sleep,

get you some insurance,
and get some peace.

You know, we hush that heart some.

- Hush my heart?
- Yeah.

- My bird heart.
- Yeah.

I can help. With the tuition too.

- I can help.
- It'd be nice to have a man heart again.

I don't know.

What is it?

When I was a boy
and I pictured myself as a man,

I never pictured myself
as a man asking another man for money.

I pictured myself as a man parachuting
out of an airplane with a machine g*n

in a time of w*r and all his w*r buddies,

like, floating by him going like,
"You're a good leader, man."

You know what I pictured doing as a man?

- What?
- Having a good friend

and helping him when he needed it
and him helping me when I needed it.

And I was happy.

Take happy, Floyd.

What's this tuition like?

It's like four payments over the year,
like about 7,000 dollars each.

- Something like that.
- Let's get him in there.

I can cover you guys.

You know?

Then you'll see if it helps
and we'll take it from there.

Hey.

Hey.

B out the B.

B out the B.

Hey, are you still crying?

Just a little bit from happiness.

Well, you are actually
a little drunk now, so be careful.

- Hey. Hey, hey!
- Oh, f*ck!

Yeah, bike was dinged up,
but I was all right.

D'you guys have fun? You and Clark?

Yeah, we had a blast, man.
Hey, thanks for asking.

You know what?
Let's take off a little early.

I wanna show you something.

There's only, like, 12 kids per class,

so you already know
there's gonna be less A-holes.

How… how soon can I start?

We'll pay tuition tomorrow.
Right after that.

And the kids,
they test smarter than at Collins.

They're smarter, so we know
you're fitting in better already,

'cause you're smart as F.

Hey, fresh start.

It's worth millions and millions, man.

All your surroundings fresh,
teachers fresh, kids fresh,

all that hard stuff…

you just leave that behind you.

That's not coming here.

Who knows, maybe there's a…

maybe there's a friend
already here. I mean, could be.

Maybe he draws
cool fantasy predator birds,

and he's looking
for some cool kid to show 'em off to,

and here you come all fresh and cool

with your cool predator bird
portfolio and stuff.

Could be.

You sure you don't want my jacket?

- I'm fine.
- No?

Well, I'll tell you what,
if there is a kid who draws

predator birds, he's…

he's a lucky F-er
'cause he's about to meet you.

F stands for "f*ck."

Yeah, I know, but I didn't…
I didn't say "f*ck."

I said F.

Trying to be a good dad figure here.

You are.

I'm what?

You're a good dad figure.

I don't know how to say this next part

- with sign language.
- Hey.

Just… speak.

Speed cornhole, bro.

Cardio blast. Let's go.
Let's do it. Come on.

- Speed!
- Cornhole!

Yeah, I'm just gonna shake
a little of the bacon.

There we go. Gonna leave you…

- leave you enough for flavor.
- Hey.

- Thank you, man.
- Yeah. I left enough for flavor.

Wow. Nobody's ever… I mean, Carol,

but like nobody's ever cared enough
to shake the bacon off my sandwich,

but leave enough for flavor.

- What's that?
- Optimism.

It's a key to a PO box I rented
to get our secret life insurance bills.

'Cause I'm gonna pass that physical.

Good idea. You're gonna ace that physical.

No. I'll pass it.

You're gonna ace that m*therf*cking
life insurance physical.

That's the f*cking news.

- We're the Thunder Boys
- We're the Thunder Boys

- We're gonna ace that
- We're gonna ace that

- m*therf*cking life insurance physical
- m*therf*cking life insurance physical

- We're the Thunder Boys
- We're the Thunder Boys

- We're gonna ace that
- Ace that

- m*therf*cking life insurance physical
- m*therf*cking life insurance physical

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

- We're the Thunder Boys
- We're the Thunder Boys

- We're gonna ace that
- We're gonna ace that

- m*therf*cking life insurance physical
- m*therf*cking life insurance physical

Well, I'm Floyd Smernitch AKA Pure Joy

And I'm from the St. Louis

- Area
- Area

And I employ all the tricks

For acing my m*therf*cking physical

- Hey!
- Low sodium

- h*!
- Two beers

- Hey!
- Speed cornhole

- High gear
- High gear

Used to be Rocksolid and now I'm Pure Joy

And now I'm gonna pass it
To the weather boy

Pure Joy, Weather Boy looking hot as f*ck

Understand Thunder Boys
Leave you thunderstruck

Take a break
Shake the bacon off your sandwich

We're doing two steps
At a time on the staircase, b*tch

- We're the Thunder Boys
- We're the Thunder Boys

- We're gonna ace that
- We're gonna ace that

- m*therf*cking life insurance physical
- m*therf*cking life insurance physical

- We're the Thunder Boys
- We're the Thunder Boys

- We're gonna ace that
- We're gonna ace that

- m*therf*cking life insurance physical
- m*therf*cking life insurance physical

Hey!

See you later, elevator!

In a while, candy aisle!

She's got a real wobble. I might have…

messed up the sprockets
on my major wipeout.

Oh, God, I'm sorry.
I'll… I'll take care of it money-wise.

Okay, cool.

Yeah, it would really
mean the world to me.

He has a weird d*ck.

And he just can't pop 'em
like he used to, you know,

like pop those boners.

Yeah, you said.

And he has money stress, so he eats,
and then he feels bad about himself.

He looks okay.

I mean, yeah, but he used to be, like…

Well, Carol, we… we all used to be.

You know, when his d*ck
was normal, he was in Playgirl.

He was what?

In Playgirl.

Like, nude, all the way.

Yeah.

Yeah, and there was, like,
this little thing about him.

Like a get-to-know-him thing.

"165."



That's what it said he weighed then.

165, yeah.

You know, our house is pretty small,

so there's nowhere
you can really go to be alone.

And I see him looking at it.

At his Playgirl.

Yeah. He kept it.

And sometimes he looks at it,
and he looks so sad.

So, he has self-esteem things,

and that's part of the b*ner problems.

Blood pressure's… It's pretty high.

Yeah, yeah, my heart really kind of goes.

Plus, I got my shirt off,

and so, you know,
that makes me self-conscious.

- Okay.
- But…

- All right.
- That goes to my heart too.

I mean, that's science, though, so…

Well, you know,

we're taking care
of a lot of that with him.

Get his house in order so that there's…

less stress.

B out the B.

What, what?

It's what we do for each other.
Bring out the best.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But the paying the bills
and… the insurance,

that has to be a private thing
with you guys, okay?

Because, you know,
if he knows that I know,

then his self-esteem
is gonna be like… right?

- Yes.
- Like, I'm him.

"Oh, God, you know Clark pays our bills."

"Now, I'm not a man,
so now I can't ever pop boners again."

- Smart.
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- So…

Yeah.

That's just between you two.

- Please.
- Yeah.

For serious. Okay?

Okay, 'cause I want to have this with him.

Like, in a house that's normal.

Where it works and, like, we pay our bills

and we do the tuition thing
that we're talking about.

And then we have sex and everything.

So…

this needs to stay between you two.

Okay?

For serious.

Yeah.

Say "for serious" again.

For serious. Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

So, I didn't ace it, did I?

- Ace?
- Yeah.

- No.
- Okay.

But you passed.

I pa… I passed?

Yes, acing it wasn't even…
wasn't realistic.

That… My goal was to pass.

Passing wasn't even realistic
like two weeks ago.

- Yeah, well, you passed.
- Wow, Clark is gonna be jacked.

Is that your husband, Clark?

No, no, it's my…
it's just my best friend.

He's been like my cheese cop and…

All right. Well,
Nurse Cheryl will show you out.

Yes, yes, yes!

- Hey. What's up?
- Hey, hi.

Safety sesh for the bikes.

What are you doing with your computer?

I'm logging power duration drop-off

in case you and the girls
go riding at night.

I'd like to know
how long you're gonna be safely lighted.

- Yep.
- Okay.

- Yep.
- All right.

Dude.

You have life insurance now.

Fifth key.

Floyd Smernitch's keys.

One, home.

Two, garage.

Three, gym locker, Bailey's Fitness.

Four, work locker.

Fifth key…

unknown.

The charge was filed
before we knew its purpose.

Okay.

I have three keys here
that are unknown, even to me.

Old keys.

I don't know what they do, but I keep them

because they used to open
something in my life.

And, you know,
what if I have to open that thing again?

Unknowns are a part of key chains.

Unknowns are a part of life.

He knows.

Did you see it?

- When he stared at the key?
- Forrest?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

He knows. He realized something about it.
And then he went quiet.

I saw something.
Something like that. Yeah.

- I want to know more.
- We always want to know more.

That's a part of this.

That's probably
why I'm always in this bar.

Because you never know the whole thing,

and you have to trust
the evidence that you have.

- We should look at the wife.
- She has no motive, Jodie.

Can we just consider?
What if Clark's telling the truth?

- About?
- That Floyd wasn't into men.

What would that do
to your case against Forrest?

Wouldn't it weaken it?

Don't you want to know?

It's crazy.

French kissing a guy out by your car
because you're polite?

Because you're wonderful.

He said wonderful.

- Can we interview Modern Love again?
- For what purpose?

For the purpose of asking him

if possibly Floyd kissed him
just to be nice.

We?

Can you just tell me, generally,

how things go down
in these sexual encounters?

- DTF?
- Yeah.

- Same, same as anywhere.
- Yeah, but this is sexual.

Well, everything's sexual, so…

What do you mean?

- Everything is, every setting is.
- Everything's sexual?

Yeah, well, there's little separation
between sexual impulsivity and, well…

it's an onboard chemical feature
of every feature of our lives.

It goes where we go.
I'm here. So, so is my sexual impulsivity.

For instance, I've just discovered…

that I'm attracted to bald,
mature authority figures, sir.

I'm imagining a scenario
that involves you.

I'm washing your back.

Washing my back?

You're there too.

Okay, can we just
concentrate on our questions?

- Sure. Fire…
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- Fire away.

So, how does a normal person
like Floyd Smernitch,

begin to become involved
with something like DTF St. Louis?

No one's normal.

It just looks that way
from across the street.

Tell me, how would an encounter…

how would that be?

Well, you could meet for intimacy,

and that would be in a grove of trees
in a park somewhere.

- Or a pool house.
- Yeah.

Or it could be to meet for breakfast.

See if you have a connection.
Sometimes you don't have one.

You met Floyd Smernitch for breakfast.

- Yeah.
- To see if you had a connection.

- Yeah.
- Did you?

Yeah.

- But, uh…
- But what?

He was just a really nice guy,
and we had a nice breakfast.

I tried a little intimacy play
there at the end,

but mostly it was just a nice breakfast.

What do you hope for
from DTF encounters?

Do you remember in school
that they had recess?

School can be hard for some kids.

It can be hard to concentrate
on something as difficult

for that long a period of time.

So, at some point during the school day,
they just stop the thing,

let you go outside and have fun.

But at some point, the tasks get harder,

like algebra, chemistry, whatever.

But there's no more recess.

It's gone.

You know, they don't even tell you.

It's just gone.

And it never comes back.

And I guess I just want to f*ck around
with somebody sometimes,

every now and then.

It's just…

And…

he seemed… he seemed
like something was weighing on him.

Like, he mentioned his son,
or stepson, or something,

felt left out, you know? Left out.

And I told him I felt like that too,
in a lot of my life.

- Left out?
- Yeah.

Let me ask you this.

Do you think when you two
were French kissing…

do you think that Floyd felt…

that he was concerned that…

maybe his heart wasn't in it,

but he didn't want you to feel left out?

You know, so he Frenched you.

- He was hands-off.
- Hands-off?

Yeah, he didn't like reach
around to touch my cheek

in the manner that I reached
around to touch his.

- It was his left.
- Left cheek?

No one knows what they're doing
with each other. We find our way…

and it can be clumsy.

Yeah.

"No one's normal."

"It just looks that way
from across the street."

- This is your saying?
- I guess so.

You know, it's just something
I pass around to the DTF community

to encourage people to care a little less
about what the neighbors think.

That's why God invented PO boxes.

- That's why what?
- Okay.

Well, in these strip malls in the suburbs,
karate, tanning salons, Mail Boxes Etc.

- You ever been in one?
- Sure.

What's in there?

- PO boxes.
- Yeah. All along the wall, PO boxes.

Now, do you ever wonder
why all these normal people

who have homes out here
need all these PO boxes?

It's for privacy.
That's where all the dildos go, sir.

And other… Yeah, you know, you get it.

Yes.

That's where all the dildos go.

Mail Boxes Etc.
They should call it Dildos Etc.

Yeah, I never thought of that.

That's why Forrest stopped talking
and asked for a lawyer.

Yes.

The Mail Box Etc. is just down the street.



That's the box.
No one's been paying the bill,

and no one's been in the last few months.



Can you tell me the date
of this owner's last payment?

- Before he stopped paying?
- Yes.

- Okay. It'll take a minute.
- Thank you.

She's gonna get a million dollars.

Well…

that's probably a motive, right?

For m*rder?

Yeah, Plumb, it sure is.

- Hello.
- Hey.

How can I help you?

- Yes?
- Can I…

Can I just check out a room…

for a detail?

Hey.

Morning.

Yeah, you suck.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

You should be.

You suck. Look at all those leaves
bunched up in the corner, pool boy.

- I'm new.
- Yeah, you can tell.

Why don't you come on inside?

I have some other tasks for you.
We'll see how you do on those.

Come on up, pool boy.

Yes, ma'am.

- How old are you?
- I'm just 23.

- You got a lot to learn.
- I sure do.