03x02 - London's Calling

[bunniefuu]

♪ Let me take you to a place
I know you wanna go

-♪ It's a good life... ♪
-Ooh.

Yeah, that's the one.

SONG CONTINUES
ON RADIO

Alan? You nearly ready?

Mum, do you think I should take
my jazz shoes?

You're only going the night, love.

You couldn't get away
with a jazz shoe in Northampton!

Believe me, I've tried.

This town was cramping my style.

I needed somewhere bigger,
somewhere brighter,

somewhere I could blend in.
I needed...

London, Gary!

You can't wear a shell suit,
you could run into a minor royal.

Go! Get changed.

Mum and Dad had a work meeting
in town,

so we were staying
with Auntie Terri -

a hop, skip and a jump
from London's glittering West End.

-Are you sure she's up to this?
-Of course!

Oh, you're not still on
about last time...

She took him to the dogs
and lost him.

How I got stuck in that kennel
I'll never know.

But this time, I've come prepared -

got my c*ck rhyming slang.

Oh, love,
no-one talks like that any more.

What a load of old pony!

You must be going mutton.

You've gotta keep your wits
about you down London town.

Val got mugged outside
an Aberdeen Angus.

She didn't even realise.

That's southerners for you.
Godawful place.

Gangster-loving, eel-eating...

Oi! I'm a southerner.

Let me finish.

...with the most beautiful women
in the country.

And I'm including your mam in that.

- SHE TUTS
- Charming [!]

He who tires of London...

Tires of paying £1.20 for a pint.
They're taking the mick!

Right, let's go!
Everyone, in the car.

I'll be seeing you shortly, George.

Wait till I tell Kay I've been to...

GROWN-UP ALAN: 'Barnet. Oh,
a hop, skip and quite a long jump

'from London's
glittering West End, then.'

- DOOR-BELL RINGS
- Four-hour round trip.

I don't even know
what this bloke wants.

Ah, he's probably trying
to poach Alfie for Stoke.

They're all sharks, these agents.

Oh, Graham, put a sock in it.
You're being wined and dined.

Ooh, I'd love to be wined and dined.

- DOOR-BELL RINGS
- Where is she?

Alfie's not even scored all season.

Dad! You're in the cultural capital
of the world, OK?

Stop talking about football.

Oh, my God,
is that Gloria Hunniford?

It's Gloria Hunniford.

GASPS: No, it is.
I think it is Gloria Hunniford!

No. Yeah, it's... it's not.

You're never more than six foot away
from a celeb in London.

We're only just off the M1
for Christ's sake.

And it's rats, not celebrities.

GROWN-UP ALAN:
'One and the same, darling.'

-Mm.
-Oh.

-You're early.
-We're 20 minutes late. -Oh.

-Thanks for this, Terri. Appreciate it.
-Oh, please.

You know I love him!

THEY LAUGH

Them. I love 'em both.

Cos there's two of 'em, in't there?
Yeah.

Right, so, Gary's inhaler's
in his rucksack.

-Oh, go on, I'll have a quick puff.
-TERRI LAUGHS

Oh, we're gonna have fun,
aren't we, eh?

The Three Musketeers.

All for one, and all for...

-One!
-Yeah.

-So, you've got Graham's mobile number?
-I'm not phoning a mobile.

-No, but if you need it.
-They're not safe, Chris.

Might as well stick your head
in a microwave.

-Yeah, I'm not sure that's how it...
-No, no, sorry. You think about it.

You've got a normal phone,

the waves,
they're travelling up the cord.

They get stuck, trapped in the cord.

You've got no cord?

Those waves
are going straight into your brain.

Well, yeah, you can always
phone the restaurant.

-Alan's got the details.
-Imperial China, Piccadilly Circus.

-Who you going with, again?
-Just some football agent.

- TERRI GASPS
- Oh, wined and dined!

Mmm, yeah!

Right, come on, then.

-Mwah. Behave.
-Bye, kids.

Look after him.

Hey!

-All right.
-All right.

-Ta-ta.
-Bye. Bye, boys!

'My Auntie Terri
was the naughty to my mum's nice.'

Right, then.

'An ashtray-half-full kind of girl.'

-Aw, this is nice.
-SHE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

What do you fancy doing?

-Well, so, we were gonna go...
-Bit of colouring in?

Hello, Mr Wolf?

Oh!

Boo!

Boo!

Oh, not into boo any more?

-You used to love a bit of boo.
-He's ten.

Well, timeless, boo, innit.

Oh, I've got one.

Bet you can't find my f*gs
in ten seconds. Go!

No, cos we were thinking

that maybe we could go up
to the West End,

see The Mousetrap.

Or the East End. Whitechapel.
Cos they do a Jack the Ripper tour.

- SHE GASPS
- Hey, I win!

CHUCKLES

We can just do that round here,
can't we?

No, because I think
that you need to go

where he actually did the murders,

otherwise you are just having
a walk.

What about a film?

-Ooh.
-Have you seen Pretty Woman?

Before you start,
it is not about me.

Yeah. I've wanted to see that.

I was gonna ask Jake
if he wanted to go with me.

Jake's a boy in my class.

But I think he was a little bit
put off by the poster.

He said, "Why would a prost*tute
be wearing waders?"

They're hooker boots, Alan.

Oh, can we go to the big Odeon?

In Leicester Square?
The seats are meant to be massive.

We don't need to go out!

Hey, VHS.

My mate Wes got me a knock-off copy.

T-That's piracy. That's ill*gal.

If you hear any police sirens,
right...

just duck down behind the sofa,
all right?

Your face!

- LAUGHS:
- I'm joking!

- LAUGHTER CONTINUES
- I'm joking!

SIREN WAILS,
HORNS HONK

Sorry to drag you into town.

Ah, no, not at all.
It's our pleasure.

Much to discuss.

But I'll be buggered
if I'm coming to Northampton!

THEY LAUGH

That's good.

-Food's fantastic here.
-Oh, I bet.

It's lovely.

Lovely lanterns.

-Oh, yeah.
-Yeah. They're all right.

I'll order for the table, shall I?
I know my way round the menu.

Oh, think we all do, don't we?


pork ba*ls and a pancake roll.

Yeah, it's a little bit
more authentic here, so...

Right, you go ahead, then.

You like sweet and sour ba*ls,
don't you, Graham?

Yeah, I can live without the ba*ls.

-We'll-We'll follow your lead.
-Smart man.

- MUMBLES:
- Jesus Christ.

You took your time. Right...

Sorry, is it true
that Diana ate here?

-It is, yes.
-Oh.

MOUTHS: Told you.

Very exciting, isn't it? Aw.

Has Ken got any lobsters in?

'The Chinese restaurant
might have been the real deal.

'This VHS clearly wasn't.'

MUSIC PLAYS
DISTORTEDLY

Gary!

Gary, we're not bedding in.
Sit up. Sit.

Ah, here we go, boys.
Couple of Coke floats!

Oh, it's good, isn't it?

- GARY:
- When's dinner?

We'll grab a bite to eat
when we're out.

We should get going, really.
Big Ben's ticking away.

No, no, no, I've got it
all planned, your dinner.

Yeah!

Yeah.

Erm...

Gary!

Honestly, Terri,
just chuck us a banana on the way.

I can't be bothered with dinner
half the time.

Just have a bit of Philadelphia
on a Weetabix.

Don't go to any trouble
on our account.

We'll just grab something up West,
once we get going.

Chicken curry all right?

Mum usually makes it from scratch.

I haven't got the time to be
pissing about with an onion, Alan.

-I do have a life!
-SHE SCOFFS

So... Tube or cab,
which one we getting?

I've brought a soft shoe
for the Palace, out of respect.

-Cab?
-SHE SCOFFS

It says 180 here, but I reckon
just to... just to grill it.

It'll be so much quicker, won't it?

I've never seen London before.

You're in London now, Alan!
Greater London.

They call it that
cos it's better than the middle bit.

- PHONE RINGING
- Whoops. 'Scuse. Won't be a sec.

Keep an eye on that curry, Alan!

Hello? Oh, hello, you.

SHE LAUGHS

No. No, I can't.

I told you,
I've got my sister's boys.

Stop it!

Stop it.

All right.

-All right!
-SHE LAUGHS

You said you wanna go out?
We're gonna go out!

Gary, grab your rucksack!
We're off to London Town!

GROWN-UP ALAN: 'Terri's local
was more dead end than West End.

'But at least it was half a mile
in the right direction.'

-All right, Wes!
-All right, Terri?

-These are my nephews. Alan, Gary.
-All right, lads?

Tell him what you want, boys.

A Lilt, please.
And some bacon crispies.

On the tab.

We're not stopping. Heading up West.

Gary'll have that
and then we'll be off, yeah?

Yeah, all right, darlin'.

-Hey, ladies!
-CHEERING

HE SIGHS

Do a 3-3-2, right?

You have Johnson at the back,
Freedman up front.

-It's a no-brainer! -Yeah.
-Eh?

So, do you live nearby?

-Kensington.
-Oh.

Bet that's a lovely, big house.

Freezing. Four floors -
extortionate to heat.

Yeah, well, we're double glazed
throughout, so that does help.

Sorry. Do you feel like
he's listening?

-I think it's the eyes.
-We eat a lot of fish.

Oh, yeah, so do we.

They just tend to take the eyes out
before they put 'em in breadcrumbs.

-Chengdu region.
-Hmm?

Chengdu region, the chef.
He's incredible with seafood.

You... got a decent Chinese
near you?

Oh, yeah,
we've got a really good one.

-They do fish and chips an' all, don't they, Graham?
-Mm.

And it's good for the kids.

Can-Can we get a couple
of forks here?

I don't... I don't think chopsticks
have made it to Northampton yet.

I suppose you need opposable thumbs
to use them!

Opposable thumbs!

Yeah, well, those thumbs have
got him to the top of the league.

And it's been noted.
It's been noted.

ANIMATED CHATTER,
ALAN SIGHS

Aunt Terri.

We can kiss goodbye
to The Mousetrap.

-The curtain's gone up.
-Sorry.

Oh, you must be hungry.
Get yourself a bag of crisps.

-On me.
-I can have crisps at home!

I wanna see a Beefeater
at close range!

Just a furry hat, Alan.

I've just got to stay,
just for a little bit. Yeah?

Why don't you have a throw, yeah?

Go on!
Go on, have a throw, for me.

ALAN GRUNTS

-Right, can we go now?
-You're standing wrong.

-Ugh!
-You show him!

FLUSHING,
HE SNIFFS

HE CLEARS THROAT

Pint of mild. And a bottle of white.

Your cheapest one, yeah?

You must be Gary.

Fantastic, your Auntie Terri.

Real special lady, yeah?

- WOMAN:
- Here you go, my love.

Try that.

Shelley,
I'm a minus four point five.

I think it's holding you back.

- YELLS:
- Clear the board, Lynds!

Hmm... 'Bout that?

Yes. Better.

From, er, Uncle Mick?

Aw, how sweet!

SHE LAUGHS

Who's Uncle Mick?
We don't have an Uncle Mick.

You might have one day,
if I play my cards right.

SHE CHUCKLES

Well, hopefully, Uncle's come
to drive us up West.

-Load of cash in it.
-CHUCKLES

Well, I should know, I'm making it.
Ha-ha!

She's spending it,
but I'm making it.

RAYMOND LAUGHS

-It's always the way, eh, girlies?
-Oh, no. No, thank you, not for me.

Erm, got a bit of a headache,
actually.

-Graham?
-What?

-Got a bit of a headache.
-Right, well, drink some water.

Excuse me.

-NICOLE: I'm going for a cigarette.
-All right, love.

Want another beer?

Oh.

'Jack the Ripper who? Ha!

'Maybe I didn't need
to go traipsing around Whitechapel

'listening to someone witter on
about disembowelling.

'I'd discovered darts!

'These arrows had given me life.

'I was starting to feel optimistic.

'Whereas Mick was feeling
Becky-with-the-bad-hair's arse.'

- MICK:
- Look, no hands.

- WOMAN:
- All right, Mr Octopus!

Argh! Oh, God!

No! I've missed chatting to you.

-Sit down, sit down!
-What are you doing?

-It's my fault, I've been glued to that oche all night.
-Aw.

Making yourself at home. It's nice!

-Yeah.
-Hey.

He's come all this way
to see me practice my darts.

That's the thing about Mick.

He takes an interest
in my interests.

Yeah.

What happened to Greg? I liked him.

Married. Ha! Mm.

Oh, Terri.

You watch Dynasty.

You should know that they
never, ever, ever leave the wife.

But they give the old spiel,
don't they?

"She doesn't understand me."

"It's different with you."

And the next thing,
it's, "I've got ringworm, Terri",

"I can't leave the house."

Most men are b*stards, Alan.

I mean, not you, obviously.

You're a sweetheart.

And your dad,
you know, your dad's all right.

-I mean, oh, my God, he's boring!
-Mm.

He was talking to ME
about the transfer window. I said,

"Graham, I'm gonna stick my head
through the window in a minute."

Oi... when you get a good one, Alan,

you make sure you hold onto 'em.

Oh, Terri.

He was grabbing that woman's bum
while you were in the loo.

TERRI SCOFFS

I'm sure it wasn't her bum, Alan.

She's very thin.
It's probably her elbow.

He doesn't care
about your darts, Terri.

Oh...

He's probably out of my league,
anyway.

I mean, look at him.

He's using a coaster as a toothpick.

Terri, no. Look at me. Look at me.

You are a strong, independent,
beautiful woman!

Stop it!

I mean, Mum would k*ll for that
kind of volume in her fringe.

And I know she thinks
you're a nightmare,

but that's just because
of your pizazz!

That's why you live in London.

Well, Greater London.

We're not going,
are we, to the West End?

It's a bus and three tubes, Alan.

It's fine.

I'm gonna live in London
when I'm older.

Be out on the town every night.

Better believe it, kid.

You'll be licking champagne
off a chandelier

with the cast of Hollyoaks
before you know it.

Anyway, I can't leave now, can I?

I got 86 and three throws to go.

I'm sorry, darlin'.

You have had fun, haven't you?

HE SCOFFS,
SLOT MACHINE BLEEPS

Yes!

-Something stronger?
-You trying to get me drunk?

Come on, out with it,
who are you after?

You don't go throwing chicken
chow mein at a man for nothing.

Is it Alfie?

Who wants him? Stoke?

-Barnsley?
-Stoke City.

Ah...

But they don't want Alfie.
They want you.

What?

It's a big offer, Graham.
They're not mucking about.

Been eyeing you up for a while.
They're going in for the kiss.

They wanna talk. I can make it
happen for you, just a phone call.

It would be my pleasure.

I think you'd be mad
not to jump at it.

Cobblers were small fry. But this...

this could change everything
for you, Graham.

And the family.

And I'll only take 20%.

You sure I can't tempt you? Eh?

Yeah, go on.

Oi! Two sake's!

'The needle, the sweating.

'The urge to get it
in the right spot.

'It was like that time
I OD'd on Ozempic.'

Getting lonely over there.

Busy, Mick.

We were gonna have a good time.

SHE SCOFFS

You were having a very good time
by the looks of it.

Oh, come 'ere.

-Get off!
-She said she's busy.

Ooh, Kenneth Williams to the rescue!

Oh, leave it out, Mick.

Yeah, she's right,
you don't wanna be causing no...

...Barney Rubble.

It's time we called you...

...a sherbet dab. I think.

Is it, now?

Er, can you give me space?
I'm trying hit a triple top.

Enough, Mick!

Don't you turn your back on me,
you little poof.

GASPING

Ow!

You did that deliberately!

No, I didn't. It was an accident.

Oh, sling your hook! Wes? Wes?

-Come on, you.
-Chuck him out.

-He stabbed ME!
-He threatened my nephew.

What's he even doing in here, eh?!
He's only 12!



Ow!

I am buzzin'!

Oh, my God, Alan!

Got him right in the BCG!

Er, Mrs Carr? Terri has left
a message for you.

-Oh, God.
-She said could you please come back.

Jesus, it's only half past nine.

They're at The Kings Arms?

I'm gonna k*ll her.

I've tried before,
but I'm gonna do it this time.

-Graham, we need to leave.
-Surely not?

A drink round ours first, I insist.
You can follow the Jag.

Look, we get it.

You drive a flash car
and you eat fish with the eyes in.

Well done, you.

-Bye, love.
-RAYMOND SCOFFS

Graham?

I can't leave.

I mean, I'm leaving the restaurant,
but...

...I can't leave the club.

I appreciate the offer, but...

The mon...
The money would be nice, but...

Yeah, I won't let my players down.

Or the club.

Or Ron.

We've been through a lot
to get where we are, but...

...yeah, there's more left to do.

Nice to meet you.

Look, if you change your mind,

you know where to find me,
all right?

I won't.

Come on, kid.

Come on, kid.

Terri, why are they in a pub?

ISOLATED HEARTBEAT
POUNDING

-MAN: - Bullseye!
-GASPING

I love sport!

See, he loves sport!

Ah, it's not sport, it's a hobby.

-What was that?
-Eh? Nothing.

To think of all those times in PE

when I had to run around a field
in sub-zero temperatures,

and I could have been indoors
in the warm!

OK, so I hadn't seen a Beefeater
or a single Pearly Queen,

but I had seen life.

And let's be honest,
I could have stayed in Northampton

to spend the night in a manky pub
watching drunks play darts,

but being down here
with my favourite aunt

made me feel... hopeful somehow.

-Well, what was the problem, then?
-Nothing.

I just thought
you might wanna see him.

He is fantastic, Graham.
I hope you know how fantastic he is.

TERRI CHUCKLES

And I thought now that you're
a football wife and all that,

Chris, that you could do
with the excuse

of getting away
from that boring chit-chat.

Ugh, transfer window?

Wanted to throw myself
out of the bloody window.

-I said that!
-THEY LAUGH

Aw, what are big sisters for, eh?

-Where's Gary?
-Gary?

Oh, there's two of them,
aren't there?

Er...

I reckon if I knuckle down,
I could play professionally.

For you, from the gentleman.

-What?
-The little one.

At the fruit machine.

Thank you, my darlin'!

Well, least they've had
a good night.

Ah, it was nice to get out
of Northampton, wasn't it?

You know, change of scenery.

No, I'm sorry, London is overrated.

-Oh, I know. I had to stab a man.
-What?!

Oh, the imagination on him!

Think he's over-tired.

Ugh, me an' all.

Right, take us back home.

Back to Northampton.

To Northampton.

To Northampton.

♪ 60 miles by road or rail

♪ Is the love in my fairy tale

♪ 60 miles to reach
My guy in Northampton

♪ It's a feeling I can't explain

♪ I only know that he feels the same

♪ I just can't wait
To be in Northampton

♪ Northampton... ♪