01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

GENTLE MUSIC

CRIES OUT

BOBBY: Shall I come
and pick you up from Grandma's?

NOAH: No! Grandma's making waffles.

OK. OK, darling,
that sounds really yummy.

Why do you never
make me waffles?

DOORBELL BUZZES

PHONE RINGS

Hi.

Hey, up-and-comer,
it's your 10%.

One sec. Thank you so much.

Cheers. Sorry about that.

What are you doing?

Erm, I am eating

Persian cardamom cake.

It's 9am.
Is that like a British thing?

Like, like orange squash
or tippy-toes or...

SCOTTISH ACCENT: ...popping over
to the shop

for a pint of fizzy drinks...

c*ck ACCENT: ..before skipping
back up me chimney? No. Oh, OK.

So, l*sbian vampires -
are you in?

Unsure.

I'm not sure if so many
dead women is my thing.

It's l*sbian vampire
superheroes, OK?

You know, if the guys
get turned on too, great.

It's a new studio,
it's a huge franchise.

I mean, if you make
that one movie,

then you can make
whatever you want.

Look, they need an answer
by the end of the day.

And I think
that answer should be

a big fat juicy yes!

It's, you know, sexy...

..f*cking feminism -

everybody wins.

c*ck ACCENT: All right.
Later, potato.

Oooh-arrrr.

I'm not a pirate.

Just let me know.

Oh, hi. Oh, hi.

I didn't see you sneak in.

You look great.

You must have had
a good night's sleep.

Yeah, I did, yeah.

I didn't know
you were coming today.

Yeah, I thought
I'd take a quick dip,

freshen up before I head up
to Santa Barbara.

What's in Santa Barbara?

Er, my friend has a dude ranch
near Goleta,

so got some amazing horses
there.

Painted horses, mustangs,
Appaloosas...

He's lending me
this white quarter horse.

Wow. Very fast.

And, erm... And, erm,

so I'm going to ride
through the hills,

about 30 miles,
to this log cabin and, erm,

hold up there
for a couple of days.

Oh, a real cowboy.

Hmm. Take a harmonica.

Look at the stars.

Just... Yeah.

Well, that sounds
completely wonderful. Yeah.

Wait - I think
he has a spare horse.

...anyone who was anyone
back in the day.

But if you do want to ride
a horse, I mean,

they're all pretty tame.

There's...
Wow, this is beautiful.

This is...exquisite.

MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY ON RADIO

Erm, do you mind? Is that OK?

That's a neck scarf -
blows warm air on your neck.

I mean,
I can...I can do that for you,

but I've got my hands full.

Well, if I get bored
of the chair,

you can pull over at a lay-by and
do it yourself.

Hmm. Ah.

Yeah, er, do you want cool, warm?
You know?

Yeah.
I can dial it up or down.

Well, maybe a fraction down... I'm
not just talking about the car.

LAUGHS

Oh, I know
what I was going to ask you.

Good, I'm glad...
I'm happy we're moving on.

And...please be honest.

What did you think of my movie?

Oh, well, erm...

You made a really good film,
a solid film.

Er, but one day...

...you will...you will make
a great film.

Did I ever tell you
what I thought of Dad's Back 2?

No. But, you know,

there's nothing you can say
about that film

that I'm not going to...

...that I'm going to
disagree with.

Do you normally go
at this pace or...?

I don't need to rush,
I've already arrived.

BOBBY LAUGHS

It's like popcorn,
it's like ice cream.

It's like those things,

they're fun, but they're
not nourishment, you know.

The best movies
are like...are like

a well-rounded... sh*t.

Oh, come on, switch it off.
If you don't...

I told you, if you don't switch it
off, how are we ever going to...

...sweater?

f*ck.

Come on. What...

What part of
"don't put cashmere

"in the washing machine"
don't you understand?

Read the labels!

Despacio, mi Jean, por Dios.

I'm so sorry.
You know, it's funny -

you understand everything fully

when I'm talking
about your paycheque. Huh?

I mean, come on,
don't Mexicans have cashmere?

Are you just throwing
those ponchos in the wash?

Ah. No, that's r*cist.

You'd think she'd know better.

Yeah, I think that's also r*cist.
Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Yeah, OK.

Switch it off. We don't have
to know about that.

We've got to get back.

We've got to get back
to your house right now.

I mean we have to help her, don't we?

Why? Why do we?

You know why.

Cos if Jean gets cancelled,

then the marketing budget

gets cancelled by Fraser.

Oh, my God. Ariana Grande's
just called her disgusting.

What...? I mean, does this mean...?

What does this mean?
That it's over?

Why do they have
to destroy someone?

Why can't they just throw
a custard pie in her face?

Why do they have
to chop her head off?

These people are like
the f*cking Taliban.

Cameron, she abused someone
who cleans her house.

Look, if she survives this
and we don't back her,

then we're f*cked
and you can kiss goodbye

to your feminist Iranian
menstruation movie...

There's loads of people
that are interested in my film.

That film will live and die
inside your head.

And maybe you'll be able
to describe it to 100 people

in the remainder of your life,

if they're prepared to listen
to the whole thing.

I mean, I presume
you want to make this film.

Of course I want to make my movie.
Then get smart and be pragmatic.

I feel like you're telling me
to sell my soul.

SIGHS
If you sell a bit of your soul,

then you -

and have enough left
to bargain with -

then you, with a fair wind,

you'll buy back your soul
one day

and you may even have
a soul to spare.

So you can have two souls?
Is that what you're...?

Is that what you're saying?
Yes, it's a buyer's market.

In this town,
there are a lot of people

with their souls for sale.

Alexa, is it selling your soul
to make a pragmatic decision

to further your career?

ALEXA: Sorry. I'm not sure.

Yeah. She doesn't care.

Do you wish all your relationships
operated like that? Yes, I do.

Er, Alexa, cancel my 3.30
with Margaret Atwood.

ALEXA: There's nothing
on your calendar today.

Look, I don't know about you,

but I will be supporting Jean.
I mean...

...how many films

do you think a Mexican maid
is going to green-light?

Oh, God.

I can hear you f*ck.

How did you get in my house?

I found a key
under your planter box, jackass.

God, this is good granola.

This is what's going to happen.

If you can convince people
you can make them money,

they forgive you
pretty quickly.

But I'm getting it
from all sides,

all the old assholes
out for my blood.

They can't stand
I'm doing great.

f*ck them. I got more p*ssy
than I know what to do with.

Hmm. I used to talk like that.

OK, it's on social media,

but there's been
no official statements.

I mean, it's not catching fire.
We can strangle this at birth.

Wait, what...?
What do you mean, "we"?

Uh, we're in this together.

Are we? Jean, it's...it's really
going everywhere.

This is...this is worrying.

What about
the-the-the-the woman?

The housekeeper?
Yeah, I mean,

can we...can we track her down,
can we talk to her?

That's a good idea.

Bobby, you find her.

And her son. Uh, Lupe.

She's a Mexican,
she has a Mexican name.

Yeah, that tracks.

Er, Guadalupe Ortiz.

She works at a taco spot
in Boyle Heights.

Where's Boyle Heights?
Do I look like f*cking Siri?

Take my chequebook,

get her to make a statement,
video her.

You know, come on,
tell her we're friends.

I've been good to her.

Jean, with all due respect,
I don't think you can just...

..stroll into
where someone works

and hand them a load of money

and then just expect them
to just do whatever you want?

JEAN AND CAMERON LAUGH

Bobby, if I go down,

you go down.

MARIACHI BAND PLAYING

Hola.

So I...I don't need to order,
I'm...

Esta Guadalupe Ortiz aqui?

Si? Gracias.

Lupe!

Hola. Usted es Guadalupe?

Si, Lupe. Lupe!

Hola, yo soy Bobby.

Erm, puedo hablar? Como estas?

Si. Si.

Puedo hablar en anglais-e?

LAUGHS
Yes.

Yes, yes? OK, great.

Phew. Sorry.

I'm a friend of Jean Shrill.

Ay, no.

I'm sorry, no.

No... Lupe, please.

I just need five minutes with you.

Just out here.
Take as long as you need.

Just five quick minutes
and then I'll go. Just...

OK. Gracias, thank you.

Fraser. Listen, I talk to her
like that all the time.

You should see the names
she calls me!

Yeah, we...we have
fiery conversations.

You know what I'm like...

Fraser, please don't do this
to me.

Fraser...

Fraser.

Fraser! Please!

Damn.

Just like that.

HUMS

Para usted. Oh! For you.

Oh, thank you.

You look tired.

Yeah,
I kind of...kind of am tired.

Please,
will you sit down for a sec?

Oh, wow. So good.

We got the best soup
in Boyle Heights -

Santa Cecilia.

Mmm, thank you.

So, you don't have
one of these things, do you?

Ay, no, no.

I don't like my head down here.

I like my head up here.

Ah. Lalo?
DOOR OPENS

Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you. I'm Eduardo.

Bobby. Hi, nice to meet you. Hi.

Tell Bobby what you did.

Erm, well,

see, I was picking up my mum
from work and...

..I didn't like the way
she was talking to her.

He knows what he did is wrong.

And...and he's sorry.

Eduardo's a good boy.

PHONE CHIMES

Sorry.

Excuse me.

Jean has asked me...

CLEARS THROAT
..to give you this.

What do you want me to do?

You don't have to do anything.

Jean's just really sorry.

Nice to meet you.

Bye, Eduardo. Bye.

Ay, mijo!

EDUARDO LAUGHS

You know, erm, if you...

If you...get out of this,

er, then,

when you do, maybe -

and, er,
this is just a suggestion -

you could try being, er,
a little bit nicer.

Hmm.

If I went through life
as a nice, polite lady,

being well-behaved,

worrying about
not upsetting people,

doing things
I'm supposed to do,

the best I could hope for

is fetching coffee

for nice white liberal assholes
like you

who want to pat themselves
on the back

for giving me a job
that they expect me

to be grateful for.

And that would be
as good as it gets.

So...

..f*ck you,

f*ck them,

and f*ck the horse
you rode in on.

No, Jean Shrill is...

Really, she's yesterday's news.
All right, I'm listening.

Er, well, there is a movie
that can save us.

Erm, it's called The Red Tent.

It's set in ancient Persia,

with all the...the romance
and elegance that that entails.

Er, but, erm,

the tent, the red tent,
is essentially a...

..this huge metaphor,

but it...but it's also,
practically, in the story,

it's a safe space created
by women, for women.

And, erm, yeah, there's some stuff
about menstruation in there,

but essentially it's a girl g*ng
story of survival.

And it's about camaraderie.
That will appeal to men,

erm, along with the fact
that most of the women are hot.

STAMMERS
Most of them.

So, erm, main characters?

Male, female?

Female. It's a...it's a wo...
Female?

A woman, yeah.
Yeah? All right.

What's she like?

Erm, she's...she's annoying.

Yeah, she's, erm, pretentious,
self-righteous,

self-important,
sanctimonious, didactic.

Her chin is too pointy...

You know,
she's pretty unbearable.

Unbearable? Uh-huh.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm lost.

How can we be rooting for
someone who's unbearable?

Because the audience
will fall for her - hard.

And because they love her,
they'll learn from her.

And it will be a revelation.

And, er,
they'll see a different world.

That's beautiful.

So, do you think
you can pull this off

for, like, 10 million?

Yeah, if we halve
the number of camels.

Ha.

Can always CGI.

Yeah.

Yeah. You got a deal.

I put a lot of trust in ya.
It won't be misplaced.

CHUCKLES

Hey, by the way,
I got a niece.

You know,
she's crazy about acting.

She's turning 17,
so, you know...

I've already cast her. Yeah?

As what?

Milkmaid.

Like a what?
A milkmaid.

Someone who delivers the milk.

To the other women
and some men.

Thank you.

Have you tried
this...this stuff here?

It's like a...like a pickle...

Congratulations.

What for?
I got you your money.

What?

For your movie.
Wait. What?

Your passion project.

The Red Tent. Garth loves it.

You start sh**ting
whenever you like -

we're off to the races.

Do I get my feminist wings yet?

Hmm.

Wow.

You know that Dom Perignon

was a monk
who discovered champagne,

and the bubbles
were an accident?

Huh.

Sounds like my kind of monk.

CHUCKLES

Well, while you were out

saving my film
this afternoon...

..I gave Lupe
Jean's cheque for $100,000.

And what did you get in return?

Nothing.
CHUCKLES

You're a terrible negotiator.

Well, maybe I'm buying back
a bit of my soul.

And why would you need
to do that?

Erm, because...

..I've signed a deal on a movie.

A big franchise
at a different studio.

It means going back to London
as soon as we're done here.

What?

What are you talking about?

It's vampire l*sbian
superheroes.

The script needs work, but...

What about your biblical biopic?

Yeah, but this is proper money,
life-changing.

Well, I've got to get this
under my belt first,

and then I can do
whatever I want. Have you?

Hmm. You know, you're starting
to sound like me.

Don't be like that.

Cameron?

You f*cked Jean, me and Rick,
and even got the T-shirt.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

WHISPERS: f*ck.