01x02 - Distressed Jean

[bunniefuu]

I told Ted Jr. your kids

were letting you stay in L.A.

10 minutes later that raggedy

wife of his e-mails,

reminding me that two weeks

in the summer

and every other Christmas

were the terms we agreed on.

You have terms?

Oh, yeah. She's insane.

I had to sign documents.

Why are you smiling?

Am I smiling?

Mhmm. I haven't seen you smile that big

since you got that hug from

that Hootie of the Blowfish

at the Iowa County Fair.

Oh. I know what it is.

It's that landlord-therapist boyfriend.

No! Danny?

No! Not my boyfriend.

That was just an intense

mutual attraction

that ended in an almost-kiss.

I don't even know what's

going to happen with that.

[Chuckles] Mm-hmm.

I know what's going to happen.

You've worked your "Jean Magic" on him.

He's all yours.

Oh, yeah, right. "Jean Magic."

I haven't brought out that old

bag of tricks since high school.

Well, trick. I only had the one move.

Doesn't matter. I'm here

to reconnect with my kids.

I'm surprising them this morning

with my famous bacon-cheddar muffins.

Ooh, girl, I love those muffins.

You know, is there some reason

you can't connect

with your kids and get it on

with your landlord?

All right, maybe I will

stop by and bring a muffin

to Danny on my way to the kids.

Ooh, give him a muffin, girl.

Oh. Why do you make it sound dirty?

Because you're in L.A.

with this big life

and you left me alone with

a 17-year-old cat

and a filthy mind.

- I miss you.

- Oh, I miss you, too.

Enough to come back to Iowa?

Not yet. But I love you.

And I'm happy.

Then I'm happy.

All right. Stop smiling.

Your gums are going to dry out.

[Smooches]

[Device beeps]

♪

♪

[Dog barks]

Oh, Ripper!

No! Don't eat my muffins!

No, no, no! Shoo!

Oh, God. Ripper! Off! Off!

Get in the house. I'm so sorry.

He's such a bad boy. Do you need help?

No, it's okay. It's fine.

He was just playing.

Dan, Ripper just knocked this poor lady

right down on the ground.

- Oh.

- Oh, no,

your cupcakes are ruined.

Oh, it's just a little dirt.

My kids will still eat them.

And they're not cupcakes.

They're my famous bacon-cheddar muffins.

- Oh.

- Oh! Pig and dairy?

I had no idea anyone

still ate like that.

- I'm from Iowa.

- She's from Iowa.

Uh, Jean, this is Cheryl.

Cheryl's my, uh

Still your wife.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

And, um, a-and this is Jean.

Jean's just a renter.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Right. You're renting out the guesthouse

- we built for my parents.

- Right.

You know, if you fought

for custody of them,

I wouldn't fight back.

I don't think so.

When we first got married,

uh, her mom said I was

just like Mel Gibson.

And then when we split up,

she still said it,

- but for different reasons.

- [Laughs]

You know who would love that story?

- Hmm?

- Dr. Bendle.

- Oh, yeah.

- Our marriage counselor.

- Oh, Jean.

- Yeah. Still here.

Good luck with the marriage counseling.

I'm really rooting for you guys.

And, um, it's nice to meet you, Cheryl.

- Aww.

- Nice to see you again

just-a-landlord.

♪

♪

So he's still married,

and she's tall and pretty.

You're normal height

for someone in the Midwest.

And you have Jean magic.

Okay, you're giving yourself

one of your hallway pep talks.

Who wronged you?

I'm fine. There's nothing

wrong with being

your own cheerleader, sweetie.

Why are you here?

I made you some of my famous

bacon-cheddar muffins.

I thought I heard a happy sound!

What's going on, Mom?

Oh. I live five minutes away.

Do I need a reason to stop by

and see my favorite daughter

whenever I feel like it?

Our home is your home.

No! Your home is my home,

my home is my home,

and your home is in Iowa.

And while you're in L.A.,

I would really appreciate

a call before you come over.

Did you not get

my mother-daughter boundaries e-mail?

Did you send it to my phone

e-mail or my iPad e-mail?

I'm not explaining

the Internet to you again.

I'm sorry, sweetie. I would

have called on my way over,

but it was kind of a weird morning.

It turns out Danny, my landlord,

is more married than I thought he was.

You Raines women make

some questionable choices

in the dating department.

Okay, well, at least

my boyfriend isn't married.

At least my boyfriend isn't my boss.

This is a very low standards contest.

Are you okay, Mother Raines?

Lane, don't call her "Mother Raines."

She doesn't like it.

- I don't mind it.

- She loves it.

You know, we should all

go out to breakfast.

We're not going to breakfast.

It's Monday morning.

We're going to work.

Today's Monday?

You have no seasons here.

I'm all turned around.

I love everything that you say.

Come on. I'll take you over

to Freddie's on my way to work.

He'll keep an eye on you.

Only in L.A. do people

treat a 40-year-old woman

like a grandma.

- Mom.

- 45.

- Mom!

- Let's just go!

I left you some of my famous

bacon-cheddar muffins.

Why is everything you cook "famous"?

Why is Kevin Costner famous?

Because he's hot

and everybody loves him.

Just like my muffins.

[Knock on door]

Freddie, I need you to take Mom.

I have to work. And she's sad because

- she's dating a married man.

- Jackie!

I can't take Mom. I have work, too.

[Scoffs] Please, Freddie.

You work from home.

You're wearing pajamas.

I have a big meeting in 20 minutes.

Oh, where's your meeting?

Is it over there?

She could hang out with me.

Guys, I'm fine.

Since when is making muffins

for your kids a cry for help?

Come on, Freddie.

Just put her in front of the TV,

and then maybe tonight you

can do breakfast for dinner.

You know how she loves that.

What's breakfast for dinner?

It's something we used to do growing up.

You know, it's like,

hey, it's dinner time,

but we're eating pancakes!

Yeah, it doesn't sound fun now

because we have Grubhub,

but when we lived in Iowa,

it was revolutionary.

It's still fun!

And it's not just pancakes.

It's waffles, French toast. Eggs.

Come on, Freddie, she can

go to work with you on the couch

and play video games.

That's not what I do, and you know it.

Really? Okay.

What do you do?

I test and I design video games.

Yeah, Jackie. It's a big boy job.

Mom, don't help me.

You should take care of Mom.

You should take care of Mom.

I'll take care of your mom.

Guys! Please stop.

I don't need a babysitter.

I'm perfectly capable of

figuring things out on my own.

In fact, I made myself hungry

talking about breakfast for dinner.

Maybe I'll just go to brunch by myself.

No, Mom. Aunt Kim started

going to brunch by herself.

Now she goes on cruises by herself.

Don't be Aunt Kim.

I could go to brunch.

You know what, Celia? What the heck?

Let's you and I go to brunch.

Great! Ooh, I know a place

with bottomless mimosas.

A mimosa is orange juice with champagne.

Wait, that makes it kinda

part breakfast, part dinner.

Am I doing it? I think I'm doing it!

[Laughs]

♪

I'm glad we're doing this.

First "no Freddie" outing?

It's kind of a big moment.

Oh, sorry you got stuck with me.

No. What are you talking about?

So, tell me about your work.

How did you become

a social-media influencer?

Ah, classic story

I went to undergrad at USC

for Communications and Media Studies.

But then Selena Gomez liked

my post about soap brows,

and, well, you can imagine

what happened after that.

Did you want to order something?

Um

How is the avocado toast?

No idea. I don't think

anyone's ordered bread here

in four years.

I'll try it.

Um, I'm good. I'm doing

an intermittent fast today,

so I'm only allowed to have

bone broth or Mexican tequilas.

♪

Wow, if you were willing

to eat that on camera,

you'd make a lot of money.

[Sighs]

Never mind.

Oh, my Oh, my God. Clark?

If that is Clark, I'm going to k*ll him.

He told me that he was in New York.

Would you mind if I said hi really fast?

Mm, um

[Cellphone ringing]

Mm.

[Ringing continues]

[Ringing continues]

Mmrelo?

DANNY: Hello? Jean?

Mm.

Hello? Is this Jean Raines?

Yep, yep. I'm here.

Sorry. They make carbs

difficult to eat in L.A.

What's up?

What's up? Well, um,

I-I just wanted to apologize

about this morning.

I understand that must have

been strange for you.

I don't know what you mean.

Oh, unless you mean

when I met your wife.

Hmm. And you introduced me

as "just a renter."

Yes. That's what I mean.

You know, I don't know

many people who are separated

that are still going to

marriage counseling.

But it's none of my business.

But that's the thing.

The marriage counseling

is about the separation.

I mean, it should really

be called separation counseling,

not marriage cou

Yes, it is it is

it things are complicated.

It's complicated counseling.

Yeah, but here's the thing: I'm simple.

I don't like complicated.

It's just that when Cheryl

feels threatened, she

she can be pretty mean.

And why were you married

to someone who's pretty mean?

I didn't notice the mean until

I got the pretty pregnant.

You know what?

Uh, we don't really have

anything to talk about.

And my battery's dying.

I got to go. Bye.

Mm. Why did I do that?

♪

Um Excuse me.

Hi. Uh, there was a little country lady

with old-timey clothes

and a face that still moves

sitting here a few minutes ago.

Did you see where she went?

No. She just finished her toast,

everyone clapped, and she left.

[Whimpers] This is not good.

Freddie's going to k*ll me.

I was supposed to watch her.

See? This is why I can't

have cats anymore.

[Ringtone plays]

Hey, babe. I know you're working

and I wouldn't bother you

except I think you'd want me to.

It doesn't matter.

I mean, what am I doing?

I'm just playing video games, I guess.

You know, i-it really

bothers me that my family

doesn't respect my career.

Did my mom say anything about it?

She didn't.

Um, so, remember

how I used to have cats?

What?

I lost your mother.

What?!

She wandered off like my cats.

- Celia!

- I'm sorry!

She wasn't at the restaurant,

she wasn't at the valet,

she wasn't at that cute vintage

store across the street.

I I just have no idea

where she could be.

- Um, okay.

- [Ringtone plays]

Hold on. Jackie's calling.

Maybe she's with her.

I'll call you back.

Hey, uh, are you with Mom?

No, she left me a voicemail saying,

"If I'm at Hollywood Boulevard

standing on Jackie Gleason,

should I take a left or a right?"

But then I called her back

and it went straight to voicemail.

I thought she was with your girlfriend.

Yeah, she was. But she's not anymore.

Your girlfriend lost our mom?

Your boyfriend's old!

We're not doing that right now!

Oh, my God. O-Our mom

is lost in Los Angeles!

You lost our mom in L.A.!

♪

Oh. Excuse me?

How can I help you?

I'm lost, and I didn't

know where else to go.

So I came here, because it's

a school and I'm a teacher,

and the smell of chalk

and sweaty children

makes me feel safe.

I'm not from here. I need to

get back to West Hollywood.

That's easy. I live in West Hollywood.

Where are you trying to go?

I know the street is Spanish.

There's a pot shop, some palm trees,

and a rainbow flag.

It's near a Starbucks

and an acting school.

Okay, I can give you general

directions back to WeHo.

That's what we call it.

And we call North Hollywood "NoHo."

They don't call Hollywood "h*."

I'm trying to get that going, though.

[Laughs]

So after I leave here

Yeah, you just jump on the 10

I'm actually on foot.

I don't understand.

I'm I'm walking.

Like in New York?

My son's girlfriend

ditched me at brunch.

I-I-I'm from Iowa.

But I came out here to be with my kids.

But nobody wants to hang out with me.

Aww, that's so sad.

And my avocado toast was so expensive

that the credit-card company

called to check on me.

It felt nice to talk to someone.

I think I'm lost in a couple of ways.

Shh, it's okay.

Consider yourself found.

I'm Amy.

I'm Jean.

Like a jacket.

This keeps getting more sad.

♪

Mom! Mom! Are you here?

- Mom?

- Mother Raines?

How did you lose my mom?

She was across the table from you!

Jackie, chill.

If anything happens to her,

I don't know what I'll do.

Wow. You met her like a day ago, dude.

Our connection was powerful.

And why are you mad at me?

I didn't lose her. Your girlfriend did.

[Gasps]

Sorry, sorry, love you to pieces.

I'm frantic.

Okay, if she's anything like

my cats, maybe she'll go back

to the restaurant because

they fed her there.

[Door opens]

Hey, guys. Everything all right?

No. My mom is missing.

She's out there all alone.

- What?

- She is terrible with directions.

But overly confident.

She's like that about a lot of things.

We've lost a lot of family talent shows.

Oh, God. It's all my fault.

She came over this morning

to hang out with me,

- but I just blew her off.

- No, Jackie, it's my fault.

I mean, why couldn't she

just sit on the couch

and watch me play video games?

That is what I do for work!

It's not a job for a big boy!

No, I should have called in sick.

I work retail. Who cares?!

Let them count their own ponchos!

Ponchos are back, by the way.

No, you guys, it's my fault.

She was my responsibility.

Actually, I think it's my fault.

Phew, okay, good.

That was a lot to hold.

I think she was upset about

meeting my wife this morning.

I'm separated. But Cheryl

that's my wife

she can get really jealous.

And I think when she met Jean,

she sensed the palpable heat

between us and sh

Oh. Okay. Interesting.

Foreign married landlord

talking about the palpable

"heat" with my mom,

whom he keeps in his guesthouse.

She's not missing, guys. She's escaped.

♪

And now I'm here, and no one

wants to hang out with me.

So I'm left just sitting around,

waiting for my landlord to decide

if he's done with his wife.

There was an almost-kiss.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Chuckles] I'm dating my plumber.

Nothing almost about it.

I guess if I'm going to stay here,

I should probably have something

going on in my own life.

Maybe I should get a job.

But I don't understand

what people do here.

They put soap on their eyebrows

and pay people to eat on camera.

Hey, Jean, do you believe in signs?

Because I do. I think

the Universe is always

trying to tell us something.

You just have to listen.

Oh, no. Are you one of those?

Sharon warned me about this.

Are you going to make me

tell my secrets into a box?

[Scoffs] Lady, no!

I'm just saying there's

a reason you were sent to me.

You were lost.

I'm a teacher, you're a teacher.

I think I'm your sign, Jean Jacket!

No, uh, uh, it's Jean Raines.

Jean Raines Jacket?

What was wrong with your parents?

Look, I have a job for you.

I started a college counseling business.

Applications roll out pretty soon.

And I could use some help.

I'm not a college counselor.

And I'm not technically

licensed in California.

We all got stuff.

You're a teacher. You like kids.

You have a rich, buttery voice.

You're perfect.

You just met me.

Yeah, but I have a feeling

about you, Jean.

I have a feeling that I could hire you,

cancel all my other interviews,

and go to Palm Springs this weekend.

I do like the idea

of guiding young people

towards a brighter future.

I like that.

You see what I'm saying?

I can't say crap like that

with a straight face anymore.

You'd be perfect for my business.

♪

And she's too trusting.

We just met and we're

already best friends.

I mean, it's sweet,

but she can't do that

out on the streets.

She's very chatty,

even with enormous amounts

of food in her mouth.

And she's always making us

her famous muffins

or her famous meatloaf

or her famous quiche.

Why were they famous?

She thinks they're like Kevin Costner.

Because they're hot

and everyone loves them.

Hey, you have to help us find her.

She's, like, the nicest.

When she asks how you're doing,

she's not just being polite

she makes eye contact.

It's weird, but it's like

she really wants to know.

You know?

I just need a description.

I got this. She's about 5'5".

She's smart, she's funny, she's sexy.

She's got this rich, buttery voice.

Uh, she got a magical smile.

It just lights up the whole damn room.

We've already identified him

as our suspect.

It's not funny when

there's a real cop here.

Come on, man.

♪

Hello?

Did I miss my own party?

Mom, you're okay! How did you get home?

I took a bus.

Mom. That's nuts.

How'd you know how to do that?

I'm finding there are some

serious gaps in your upbringing.

Mother Raines.

Ooh, no, no.

- Oh!

- Oh!

He doesn't share, does he?

No, not his Mommy.

Thank goodness you're okay.

I'm sorry I lost you, Mother Raines.

- I don't think so.

- Yeah, that's mine.

That's okay, Celia.

You were the only one who

offered to hang out with me.

And yes, you ditched me

and I had to make my way back

from the middle of h*, but that's okay.

It needed to happen.

It made me realize this

situation isn't working.

What?

It's fine. I-I'll be okay.

Wait, so you're

you're going back to Iowa?

- No!

- Actually, I

Mom, I'm so sorry.

I shouldn't have sent

that boundaries e-mail.

It was stupid.

I got it off PsychologyToday.

- Jackie

- And now you're going back

to Iowa and if I could do it again,

I'd have breakfast with you every day.

- Aw.

- I'd have breakfast for dinner,

dinner for breakfast, lu

Lunch, we would just

we would have regular lunch.

Mmm.

And my home would be your home.

My home would be your home, too, Mom.

I'd give you half my couch.

Wow, you guys.

You're going to be really

excited about my news, then.

Because I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, thank God! [Chuckles]

I thought I lost you.

What do you mean you're

not going anywhere?

I got a job. I'm going to

be a college counselor.

That's right. Thanks to

your rejection this morning,

I found work on the streets.

Mm, that happened to my friend Nutmeg.

Don't worry, you guys.

I know you have your own lives.

I don't expect you to be

around whenever I want.

In fact, I'm going to be busy, too.

I found a job and a friend.

I may not have time for you.

That's not true.

I'll always have time for you.

Do you want to get dinner?

Mom, we have to go back to work.

It's 3:00 in the afternoon.

There are no seasons here!

How can you tell?

We'll meet up with you

later, though, Mom.

Bye, Freddie's mom!

- Love you!

- Bye. Love you.

[Door closes]

- Jean

- Danny, you don't have

- to say anything.

- No, no, no, I-I want to.

- [Stammers]

- I-I-I [Chuckles]

I really like you.

What's not to like?

It's just the thing is, I-I

Look, I-I I'm going to

let you off the hook here.

- Yeah.

- You've only been separated

for two months.

You're not ready to start

fooling around with anyone.

I wasn't fooling around.

Well, you called Cheryl your wife.

You called me "just a renter."

You've got some stuff to sort out.

And I have some college to counsel.

Looks like we're both

gonna be counselors now.

I don't really understand my new job.

I don't suppose you want to

wait till I sort my stuff?

I don't like waiting.

Got it. Don't like complicated.

Don't like waiting.

If you're making a list,

I also don't like walnuts,

chauvinists, or people

who tell me to relax.

It's a good list.

Mm. [Chuckles]

[Whispering]

You're doing the right thing.

You're protecting yourself. You're fine.

You're great.

You're a college counselor.

What?

Have a muffin.

[Sighs]

The whole damn room.

[Sighs]

Ooh, what a day you had.

You got a job,

you made a friend, all your plants died.

Oh, girl, I forgot to water your plants.

That's okay.

They're as dry as my love life.

What happened?

I met his wife.

Is she tall? Is she famous?

Is it Elizabeth Hurley?

I read she was dating an Australian guy.

She's not famous. But she is pretty.

Like, L.A. pretty.

Like, if she went to Iowa,

she'd be Corn Queen.

Hey, I don't want to hear

you talking like that.

No one can compete with you.

You got your famous muffins

and your bag of trick.

Thanks, friend. I'll be okay.

And I have a confession to make

My muffins are my trick.

I love those muffins.

[Laughs]