01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

Freddie, it's your mom. Call me.

Freddie.Mom.Call me

Freddie, call me back.

Freddie. Freddie. Freddie. Freddie?

Oh, Freddie! Finally.

Nope. Not Freddie.

It's Jackie, your good child.

Oh, sh**t.

Thanks, Mom.

I'm sorry. I'm just worried

about your brother.

He's fine.

I'm sure he'll get back to you

when he stops being stupid.

Freddie's not stupid, Jackie.

Come on. The kid failed

"Spanish I" three times.

They were finally just like,

"No más, por favor."

Be nice. He's not like you.

By the time you were in L.A. for a year,

you had a job, boyfriend.

What does Freddie have?

Nada. He just doesn't know

how to say it.

Relax. I'm sure you'll hear

from him soon.

Okay.

I'm sure you're right.

Thanks, Sweetie.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too.

[Sighs]

So you're not going to tell her

you're flying out there to check on him?

No, she'd just try to talk me out of it.

It's been four days since

I've heard from him, Sharon.

I get it.

When Ted Jr. first got married,

I didn't hear from him for a month,

and I freaked out.

Turns out that nasty old wife of his

saved my name in his phone

as "Spam Risk."

But flying out to Los Angeles is insane,

even for you, Jean.

Sweetie, ever since you lost Mike,

if you don't hear back

from someone right away,

you immediately assume the worst.

You have issues, Jean.

This isn't a dead husband thing.

Trust me. I just know my own kid.

The reason Freddie

failed "Spanish I" three times

is because he couldn't ask

the teacher for help.

His silence is a scream.

So, how long are you staying out there?

As long as he needs me.

So, what are you thinking?

- Pornos?

- Oh!

It's California. He's good-looking.

Spells pornos to me.

Oh, for cripes sake, Sharon.

It's Freddie.

When was the last time you saw

a good-looking guy in a porno?

Not since everybody went hairless.

Really? I don't mind that.

Mm.

I don't know

who I'm supposed to be anymore.

If I'm not mothering,

am I still a mother?

If I'm not teaching anymore,

am I still a teacher?

I think you're overreacting.

Do we even exist, Sharon?

Well, maybe this is when we get

to slow down

and contemplate our quiet wisdom.

Maybe.

[Horn honks]

We're contemplating, ya d*ck!

Go around!

♪♪

♪♪

Ooh, well, hello!

Oh, who are you?

Oh, that's quite a face you have there.

You might want to get off the ground.

Ripper has a tendency to hump.

So do I.

Oh!

Hi. Uh, I'm Jean.

- I'm your renter.

- Hi. Ripper, inside.

I'm Danny. Uh, I'm your host.

Actually, I just became an Incredi-host,

which is, uh It's a pretty big deal

in the hosting world.

Um, they sent me a little sticker

for my water bottle.

Anyway, come on in. Come on in.

- [Camera shutter clicks]

- Everything okay?

I watch a lot of "Forensic Files"

nondescript white male

luring women to his guest house.

I just texted your photo

and address to my friend Sharon.

She's a security guard

at Ross Dress For Less.

She took a hanger to the neck

during Black Friday

and still finished her shift.

So, if you m*rder me,

you won't get away with it.

Okay. Lots to take in there.

Yet all I can really think about

is being described as "nondescript."

Ooh, wow!

This is nice.

Thank you.

I, uh I built it

for my wife's parents.

Unfortunately, my wife left.

But fortunately,

she took her parents with her.

So, you're divorced?

Uh, I'm en route.

My wife and I dropped

our daughter at college,

and I turned to her and said,

"Finally, it's our time."

And she said "God, no. It's me time."

And then her lawyers started

billing me for their time.

So, Airbnb time.

Anyway, clearly, I'm feeling

a bit sorry for myself.

My husband died

when my kids were 11 and 8.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

I really wish you'd gone first.

Told your story first, not died.

So, what brings you to California?

Uh, somehow both my kids ended up here.

You know, I think my son is in trouble.

He hasn't called me back in four days.

Four days?

And you flew all the way to Los Angeles?

My kids and I are very connected.

Honestly, I'd still be breastfeeding

if we lived in France.

[Laughs]

Okay. Uh, we got a full kitchen.

There is a separate bedroom,

much like my wife and I had

towards the end.

- Oh.

- She blamed it on my snoring.

I think it was more to do

with the 30-year-old lifeguard

she was sleeping with.

I don't know why I told you that.

Oh, people tell me stuff.

It's kind of a thing with me.

Which is why it bothers me so much

that I don't know

what's going on with my son.

Ah, well, you know,

sometimes you have to wait

for people to come to you.

Yeah.

I'm more of a hunt them down

and force my love on them

kind of person.

So when you watch "Forensic Files,"

whose side are you on there, Jean?

Always on the side of the mom.

♪♪

Just remember, whatever's going

on with Freddie, stay calm.

Even if it's hookers.

It's not hookers, Sharon!

You know I browbeat a healthy

respect for women into that boy.

I'll call you later.

Oh, thank God.

Freddie!

Mom! Oh, Mom!

Um, Celia, my mom's here!

Oh, my God, that's your mom?

Freddie, you didn't tell me

your mom was coming.

I didn't know my mom was coming.

Mom, what are you

what are you doing here?

I brought you socks

and the toilet paper you like.

You know, your door

was unlocked, Freddie.

And almost all my m*rder shows

start with an unlocked door

in a bad neighborhood.

This isn't a bad neighborhood.

There's a pot store on the corner.

It's Los Angeles, Mom.

There's a pot store on every corner.

Why haven't I heard from you?

I've been really busy.

Of course. I understand that.

Do you need help, Freddie?

I'm here now. Just ask.

What?

What? Oh, my God.

Mom, is this about Spanish?

Ms. Fuentes was there for you.

She offered to meet with you

after school,

but you kept saying, "I've got this."

But you didn't have it, Freddie.

You needed help.

Yeah, Mom, that was in seventh grade!

I'm 23 years old,

and I'm a grown-a*s man.

Grown-a*s men can fall

through the cracks.

A lot of them are

outside that pot shop right now.

[Camera shutter clicks]

Do you want me to tag you in this?

Who is this?

Mom, this is Celia.

Uh, Celia's my

Don't be dumb, Fred. Say it.

My Bae.

I am so happy to meet you.

Freddie talks about you all the time.

Really? Because I've never heard

about you.

But I'd like to.

Where are you from?

What do you do for a living?

Do twins run in your family?

No, no, no, no. We're not doing this.

Born in Cuba, raised in Laurel Canyon.

I'm a social media influencer.

Mom's a twin and so is my aunt.

- Mm.

- Hey, Mom.

- Yeah?

- I'm serious.

You can't just show up

to my apartment unannounced.

I'm not some visitor.

I birthed you.

You're part of my body.

A person doesn't have to call to say

they're visiting their left breast.

That's true.

It's not like I make a habit

of showing up unannounced.

I haven't seen you in months.

I've never even been

to this new apartment,

which is shockingly nice, by the way.

Why "shockingly nice"?

Hey, Mom, I've been

at a gaming convention

for the last five days.

I sold that game I've been working on.

- [Gasps]

- It's It's a big deal.

Oh, honey, you sold your game?

Oh, that's a huge deal!

Do the women look like real women?

Yeah, Mom, I took all your notes.

Oh, congratulations!

I'm so proud of you!

We have to celebrate.

Yeah, well, we kinda were. [Chuckles]

Oh. Oh!

Sorry. I guess I interrupted.

I-I'll, um I'll leave you guys to it.

Uh, Mom, I'm I'm sorry.

Wait. Uh, how long are you in town?

Maybe we can celebrate tomorrow?

Oh. Sure.

Um, I could cook dinner at my place.

I'll make my famous meatloaf.

And, you, Bae, are, of course, welcome.

Nope. [Chuckles] Her name is Celia.

Uh, I'll call your sister and Andy.

You have a sister, Fred?

She doesn't know Jackie?

Uh

Yeah, I don't

I don't really talk to Jackie

these days.

I have a cousin named Jackie

whom I also don't talk to.

That's weird, right?

What do you mean you don't talk to her?

She lives in Florida. Deep Florida.

I mean, she doesn't call me.

So, if that's the way that she wants it,

it's fine with me, I guess.

Why would she want it that way?

Because that's where her parents live.

♪♪

Sharon! Freddie is alive

and he has a girlfriend.

And get this. Freddie and Jackie

haven't spoken in months.

What? Those two used to be inseparable.

They used to take baths together.

I know. I got kicked off of Facebook

for posting the video.

How could anybody be offended

by that little dangle?

I'm at Jackie's. I'll call you later.

[Sighs]

Hello. I-Is Jackie here?

Whatever it is, she's not gonna sign it.

She doesn't believe in anything.

What? I don't like that.

I'm her mother.

You're Jackie's mother?

Yes. Jackie's mother.

At Jackie's apartment.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm Lane.

I live with Jackie.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Raines.

Ah.

Where's Andy?

Okay, um, Andy is

Jackie's ex-boyfriend, right?

Ex-boyfriend? Since when?

Well, before my time,

but I think the ghosting

happened four months ago.

Not ghost like "boo."

Ghost like "bye, boo."

A-Andy just left?

And now you two are dating?

Oh, no. I'm g*y.

Yeah, you couldn't tell.

I'm not really "L.A. g*y" yet.

I did okay in Wooster.

That's where I'm from.

I mean, it's very low-key h*m* there.

Like, the grooming shop at Petco

was kind of a scene,

but nothing like here.

Jackie's right.

You're very easy to talk to.

[Chuckles]

Why is Jackie keeping secrets from me?

She broke up with Andy and she's

not speaking to her brother?

Jackie has a brother?

What the hell?

Jackie's very private.

Like, I only found out

about her dating Hank

because the walls are so thin.

Wh-Who's Hank?

Her boss.

I shouldn't say more. He's old.

That's all you're getting out of me.

He drives a PT Cruiser.

Okay. That's enough.

Lane, you and Jackie are coming

over for dinner tomorrow night.

We're gonna get this

whole thing out in the open.

And I apologize in advance.

It could get ugly.

I came out to my parents

on the drive to Bible Camp.

You don't know ugly.

How did this happen?

I was always the mom who had

the special bond with her kids.

They used to tell me everything.

I was the first person

that Freddie called

when he thought he lost his virginity.

Hmm. So to answer your question,

uh, the Wi-Fi password is

on the back of the router.

It's "kookaburra."

Sorry. I guess that's a lot.

I just never wanted to be the mom

whose kids ended up in therapy,

talking to some overpriced quack

who wasn't smart enough

to be a real doctor.

I'm a therapist.

Kookaburra, you say?

Look, I know you want to be

close to your kids, of course.

But sometimes when we lose

someone prematurely,

like you have with your husband,

it can cause us to hold on

to those we love tighter

than we would otherwise

when what's really needed

is to let them go.

Wow, you're good.

[Knock on door]

They're here. Get out.

Yes, okay. I will I will leave,

but hey, don't please don't

let your time with family

affect your review, okay?

Just remember that your stay

here can still be five stars

even though your kids are like two.

Okay, I'll go.

- Hi.

- Mom, I can't believe you're here.

I-I can't believe you went over

to my apartment.

I can't believe you pumped

my friend for information

about my personal life.

Not pumped.

Charmed.

Jackie, why didn't you tell me

that you and Andy broke up?

Mom! Why did you invite Jackie?

Oh, you're Jackie?

You look nothing like my cousin Jackie.

Well, my cousin Jackie doesn't

even look like my cousin Jackie.

She got a new chin.

Oh, I love your house.

So many great backgrounds.

Jackie, say hi to your brother.

He really missed you.

- I didn't say that.

- Mm.

Well, she misses you.

I said he was stupid.

Come on, you guys.

You have to patch things up.

Oh, is this why you flew out here?

To butt into my life?

No. I flew out here

to butt into Freddie's life.

But then I find out that

somehow Freddie's doing great

and you're a mess.

Oh, "somehow" Freddie is doing great.

Thanks, Mom.

"Somehow" doing great in his

"shockingly" nice apartment.

Hi. Celia. Cute top. Cute bottoms.

Lane. Thanks.

Cute everything on you, too.

How long have you been

dating Fred's sister?

Oh, we're not dating. I'm g*y.

Don't worry that you couldn't tell.

Hmm, I could tell. I just didn't

know if you could tell.

We talk every day.

But I have to come here to find out

that you're dating an old man

and Freddie's dating

a brunette.

You guys, let me tell you a story.

When your dad died,

I felt completely alone.

But you know who showed up

for me every day?

My family.

Yep. With board games

and terrible, terrible food.

So much tuna hot dish.

And they they got me through it.

But you don't get to pick your family.

You think I picked mine?

Aunt Daphne the Flat-Earther?

My brother Jim

with the white stuff

in the corners of his mouth

or his wife with the rat in her pocket

or your cousin Liam

with the vibrating eye.

When it comes to family,

you get what you get.

And you two got each other.

And you got me.

And we are a village.

I'm going home.

No, you stay. I'll go home.

You guys, I am your home.

I am also still your mother

and neither one of you

are leaving until you make up.

Yeah, that doesn't work anymore, Mom.

Why?!

♪♪

[Exhales deeply]

I thought you were leaving.

I'm calling a Lyft.

Where's your car?

I don't want to talk about it.

I thought you were leaving.

I have to wait for Celia.

Sorry, your mom just stopped hugging me.

Nothing?

Okay, well, we'll see you

at Christmas then.

Come on, Celia, let's get out of here.

Fred, stop.

You are kind of being the worst.

We've been semi-serious for a month,

and super serious for two months,

and I didn't even know you had a sister.

I'm not going anywhere with you

until you deal with this family stuff.

Like a grown-a*s man.

You know how lucky you are

to have a mother

who cares that much?

My mother wouldn't fly out here

to throw holy water on me.

Am I the only one who was moved

by that village speech?

- Yes.

- Yeah.

I'm gonna go to work.

I have to livestream myself

buying oat milk.

You want to come?

You can be my fake date now.

Good enough for prom,

good enough for tonight.

[Laughs]

He wasn't my fake date!

Do you want a ride?

I want a beer.

♪♪

[Knock on door]

[Door opens]

Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for

You okay?

No.

I was I was talking to Ripper.

Hey, um, I, uh I heard

a lot of what went on

'cause your family's very, very loud.

I can't believe they walked out.

Yeah.

You were right.

They're done with me.

That's not quite what I said.

I've lived my whole life for those two.

Mm.

I have made serious personal sacrifices.

My only vacation was

dropping them at Astro Camp.

I got my bras

from my gym's lost and found.

And I think this one was lost

on purpose.

I cover up the grey in my hair

with a Sharpie.

Even now, I haven't had sex

in four years.

And it was four years before that.

It should be an Olympic sport.

You are a plain-talking woman,

aren't you, Jean?

This sucks.

You get 18 years of keeping them alive

around an inch of water,

and when they can finally do

something interesting,

you don't even get to enjoy

the fruits of your labor.

What's the point?

The satisfaction in knowing

that you raised

healthy, interesting,

relatively independent adults.

Big whoop.

I'm all alone.

Well, alone's not so bad.

You know, since Cheryl left,

I can cook fish in the house.

I can eat it in my undies.

Also allowed

to use the word "undies" now.

Cheryl had a lot of rules.

[Cries]

Oh.

Hey.

Thanks for being here.

You really are an Incredi-host.

I try to think of all the amenities:

you know, sulfate-free shampoo,

a welcome basket of fruit,

emotional support.

You have good lips.

Well, I was gonna say

you have good lips, too.

♪♪

I can't believe she came here.

You know the reason that she came here

is 'cause she doesn't respect me.

- [Scoffs]

- She just waltzed right into my apartment.

She didn't knock, nothing.

I'm a grown-a*s man.

Oh, please, Freddie. You love it.

What do I love?

Being her little baby boy.

She still buys your socks.

No.

So?

So that means all

the responsibility is on me.

For everything. The daily phone calls.

The birthday cards.

The endless computer

and smartphone tutorials.

I mean, how many times

do I have to show her

how to take a selfie?

And who is she sending the selfies to?

Of course.

Also, guess who's gonna take

care of her when she's decrepit.

So don't do it if you don't want to.

Okay, sure. Then what'll happen to her?

We just put her on a log

and float her out to sea?

Why are we talking about this?

I'm gonna have nightmares.

'Cause I'm the one

that thinks about these things

and makes a plan for the day people die.

While you play stupid video games.

Which is my career.

Yeah, 'cause you get to do

whatever you want.

And I'm not fun.

- What?

- That's what Andy said.

He said I was already a boring old lady.

And then he took the Nissan

and he drove away.

The car lease was in his name.

The apartment lease was in mine.

Critical error.

Not really.

It would suck to live in a Nissan.

Why'd you stop calling me?

I just wanted to see,

if I wasn't the one to call you,

if I'd ever hear from you again.

So, it was like a test?

Yeah.

Like a Spanish test.

- You suck.

- [Laughs]

I'm not in seventh grade

anymore, you know?

You're not? How are you different?

I go all the way with my girlfriend.

Oh, my God.

Is that all you've got?

Honestly, yeah.

[Both laugh]

I mean, what else is there?

It's called all the way.

- That's true.

- That's it.

Mm-hmm.

[Sighs]

You know, maybe we can just try

to have a grown-up relationship.

Where I-I'm not the loser little brother

and you don't have to be perfect

all the time.

Okay.

And maybe you can get Mom

the birthday card this year.

Yes, I totally could.

When's her birthday?

♪♪

This is probably a terrible idea.

It's absolutely a terrible idea.

I don't care. Do you?

Less by the second.

[Door opens]

- [Gasps]

- No!

- Oh!

- Oh, my God!

Ah! I haven't been kissed in five years!

I thought you said you

haven't had sex in four years?

But I haven't been kissed in five.

Mom!

We came back here 'cause we felt bad

about walking out on you.

And you're here making out

with a stranger?

Not making out. And not a stranger.

This is Danny, my Incredi-host.

Ew. I don't even want to know

what that means.

It's really just a sticker

for my water bottle.

Who are you?

I don't know!

If I'm not your mother, do I even exist?

[Sighs]

Okay. I'm gonna head off.

Uh it's really nice to meet you both.

I have heard so, so, so,

so, so much about you.

[Chuckles]

I always had this idea

that we should be a village.

Always here for each other

if we need something.

That's why I wanted to be close to you.

But you're adults now,

and if you don't want that,

I can't force it.

So just know

that I'm a phone call away

and that I love you.

And also: I'm sorry.

Sometimes I hold on too tight

because I'm afraid of losing you,

because, well, you know.

I got ditched by the person

I thought I was gonna marry.

I started sleeping with my boss

who's so old that people think

I'm his nurse.

It was hard to tell you on the phone.

Maybe it would have been easier

if you were here.

And Celia would totally leave me

if she knew I'd never bought

my own socks

or favorite toilet paper.

A-And maybe if you were here,

you could show me

where to get that stuff.

Really? I feel like

she could text you that.

Stop ruining my thing with Mom!

I could stay a while.

[Sighs]

I like this.

Yeah.

Maybe you could learn to knock, though,

- you know, instead of just walking in.

- Shhh.

[Chuckles] Two days in Los Angeles

and you're making out with a stranger

and you got a therapist?

Yeah, it was kind of a two-for-one deal.

You know how much I love those.

[Chuckles]

And we didn't make out.

We almost kissed.

Jeannie, I went to high school with you.

We both know an "almost kiss"

is a light beer away from antibiotics.

When are you coming back?

I don't know yet.

They need me.

If I don't call you for four days,

will you come check on me in Iowa?

Aww.

[Smooches]

[Sighs]

♪♪