02x07 - Where'd You Go, Bridgette?/The Erotic Awakening of A.P. LaPearle

[bunniefuu]

[ Cellphone chimes, vibrates ]

[ Yawns ]

♪♪

♪♪

Hey!

♪♪

[ Grunts ]

[ Screams ]

♪♪

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

[ Truck crashes ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sirens wailing ]

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

Pearle?

What's going on?

I'm bailing you

out of here.

Ugh, not again.

♪♪

♪♪

You have a problem,

Bridgette.

You can't put down

your phone.

That's not true,

you're being ridiculous, byeeee.

Whoa.

I was here the whole time

and you didn't even notice!

It's time to call this

what it is.

An addiction.

You need

a no-phone detox.

Uh, no.

This is not an addiction.

I'm perfectly

in control -- Hey!

I was in the middle of texting

Alex to never text me again.

Oh Oh my

Oh, my God!

Oh my God,

what's happening to me?

Your body needs time

to adjust.

But don't worry, nothing bad

ever happened

from not using your phone

for two minutes.

Ohmigod!

Guys, Bridgette hasn't texted

in two minutes.

-What?!

-Bridgette is dead?!

No.

I'm sure she's --

She hasn't posted

in half an hour.

look at the last text

she sent me.

That's exactly

what she'd type

if someone was throwing

a pillow case on her head

and pulling her

into an unmarked van!

We gotta call the cops!

No!

They won't do anything

until she's gone

for at least 48 hours.

If we want to get

Bridgette back

we're on our own.

Where'd you go,

Bridgette?

Where'd you go?

♪♪

[ Panting ]

Pearle, you can give it

back now.

I'm good.

Really good.

I just want to hold it

in my hand, you know?

I'll give it back when I know

you can handle it.

Here. You can't let your fingers

go cold turkey.

[ Beeping ]

[ Sobbing ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Roars ]

Bridgette, get ahold

of yourself!

[ Grunting ]

That's the withdrawal

kicking in.

Let's get you a bucket.

44 minutes

since her last update.

Okay, we're ready to post.

Are we sure that's the most

appropriate picture?

It's the one she told me to use

if she ever went missing.

[ Ding! ]

What's happening?

Bridgette's going viral.

Her lifelong dream.

[ Tablet ringing ]

Someone's FaceTiming me.

It's Kristen and Gina

from Podnapped!

Hello?

Hi, Emily?

We're from Podnapped, it's a

podcast where we get buzzed

and talk about

terrifying abductions.

I know!

I've heard every episode.

I have all your merch!

This was a bad gift.

We think our devoted audience

of abduction-istas

could help figure out

who took your friend, Bridgette.

We'd like to record a special

live episode about her.

At. Your. House.

[ Screams ]

Oh my, God. This is so awesome!

I mean helpful.

For finding Bridgette.

Who's missing.

Very sad.

♪♪

How long since

she's checked her phone?

Hour and a half.

Good God.

[ Slow motion ]

Bridgette.

[ Stammers ] Oh, no.

[ Chirps ]

Twitter bird?

Why haven't you checked me,

Bridgette?

I'm just taking a break.

[ Sinister music plays ]

♪♪

No one takes a break!

Feed me content!

Agh!

Get away from me!

♪♪

Come on!

Take a selfie.

You know you want to use

the filters.

Well, I guess one filter

couldn't hurt.

♪♪

Ew, I don't like

that filter!

[ Laughs ]

It's no filter.

What, where am I?

Where are my friends?

He, they're all dead.

We tried to tell you, but you

just kept looking at your phone.

Time to take your medicine.

I don't want to!

[ Screams ]

No!

[ Cellphone ringing ]

♪♪

She was a 26-year-old

stay-at-home influencer.

Then one day

she was gone.

And now, let's hear a theme song

we recorded

while getting trashed

in a Trader Joe's parking lot.

Kristen and Gina,

Gina, Gina, Kristen ♪

Kristen and Gina

on Podnapped! ♪

Man: Hey, get out of the way!

[ Horn honks ]

Come on!

Welcome to a very special

live episode of Podnapped!

We're here with Emily,

Alex, Josh,

and our good friend,

Pinot Grigio.

Emily, when did you notice

that your roommate,

BurningBridgette94,

was missing?

I clocked it right away.

I'm a total podnapper.

Well, then you must know

that 94% of abductors

turn out to be

the victim's best friend.

What?

I didn't do this.

Bridgette was everything

to me.

Ooh, "was", past tense.

That's a slip up.

Pretty much a confession.

Wait, wait, wait.

What qualifies you

to accuse people?

I do warm up for "Conan."

I wear vintage dresses!

So, you guys did it,

right?

-No!

-Liar!

Okay, I love your guys's show,

but none of us took Bridgette!

See how they're protecting

each other?

Exactly what I would expect

from the "Eastside Three."

Cool name!

Eastside Three swag is available

in our store right now.

-How did you?

-We used Pod Swag.

But the real question is

Has gingivitis abducted

your mouth?

Subscribe to Flosslocker

and receive

a new artisanal

dental floss every week.

We actually use this.

[ Whispering ]

We totally don't.

♪♪

I don't think I can do it,

Pearle.

Bridgette, if I can get clean,

anyone can.

You had an addiction?

Oh, I couldn't

live without it.

My whole body was on fire

until I got that next fix.

Oh, my God.

Heroin? Meth?

Six flags.

Magic Mountain.

No, I know what it is.

I had a season pass

for years.

Any ride,

you bet I rode it.

Crazanity, Dive Devil,

Green Lantern First Flight.

I was ridin' that sweet dragon

on the daily.

Then I learned, it was making me

miss out on my real life.

Real life?

You mean that stuff

I take pictures of?

Whoa.

-My theory?

Emily two-buck-chucked

Bridgette into the pot,

while Alex cooked her up with

some mussels and white wine,

and Josh played video games

on the couch.

Case closed.

We didn't eat Bridgette!

You lay out

a pretty airtight case.

So, what do you think,

podballs?

Did they eat her or is she

duct taped to a radiator

waiting to be set free?

Not to mansplain

how podcasts work, ladies,

but I'm pretty sure

you can't hear your listeners.

Oh, we can hear them.

Crowd: Set Bridgette free!

Lock up the Eastside Three!

Set Bridgette free!

Lock up the Eastside Three!

Our fans are the best.

Set Bridgette Free!

Lock up the Eastside Three!

Bridgette, what do you remember

about this picture?

I used the Nashville filter

to make it pretty.

It got 67 likes.

It probably would have

gotten more

if I posted it

later in the day.

But, do you remember

what this latte tasted like?

Wait. Have I ever actually

had a latte?

[ Slurps ]

[ Gasps ]

♪♪

[ Horn blares ]

♪♪

Whoa!

What else have I been

missing out on?

Crowd: Set Bridgette free!

Man:

They took BurningBridgette94,

get 'em!

Oh, no.

Hey!

I'm right here.

I wasn't abducted, I was just

at Pearle's for a couple hours!

I pinot disagree-gio.

This woman looks nothing

like BurningBridgette94.

Yeah, that's not her!

Where'd

the Eastside three go?

k*ll them!

Glad to see you're okay,

Bridgette! Gotta go!

[ Chuckles ]

Cool, street justice!

[ Chuckles ]

You won't find

BurningBridgette94,

so stop looking for her!

She's not real.

She's a phony, chasing likes.

I've lost the last 10 years

of my life to my phone,

and I bet you all have, too.

I like this Bridgette --

in the flesh --

and that's the only like I need.

-Boo!

-She's an imposter!

You're not the real

BurningBridgette94!

Wait!

BurningBridgette94 posted!

I don't know where this is from,

but it's definitely her.

You won't find

BurningBridgette94,

so stop looking for her!

What?

I didn't post anything.

Aww.

You posted it?

I didn't want people to miss

what you had to say

just because they were too busy

looking at their phones.

BurningBridgette94's

right.

We need to stop

looking at our phones,

and start looking

at life.

[ Gasps ]

Hey, check out that dog.

Pics or it wasn't cute!

-What breed is it?

-Check Wikipedia.

-Oh, he's fast!

-I'll call an Uber.

What a twist that

she showed up alive.

Oh my, God. That never happens

on Podnapped!

Sorry we accused you,

Emily.

Well, it was wrong what you did,

but since we're besties now,

we can totally hang out

and --

Now that was a podcast!

Yeah, eat sh*t,

Marc Maron!

I'm good.

Where are you going?

I'm going to the bathroom.

Without my phone.

♪♪

[ Horn blows ]

[ Indistinct shouting ]

[ Door banging ]

♪♪

[ Gasps ] Oh!

♪♪

Oooh!

Lady Saveria, I am Rothgar

of the Northern clans.

Legend of your beauty

hath traveled cross the sea.

And legend of your

longsword hath

traveled here.

Lady, thy boldness--

Shusheth!

[ Both moaning ]

♪♪

Rothgar of the Northern

clans

plunder me with your massive

Viking c--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Alex!

You didn't tell us

your new book was dirty!

Uh, 'cause it's not?

"The Rigid Helmet"

is historically

accurate Viking erotica.

[ Murmuring ]

What? You wanna tell me

I'm a pervert or something?

No, I want you

to keep reading.

Really?

You think it's good?

Good? I think you reversed

my menopause.

Now I believe you left off

at Rothgar's big ol' ding dong.

♪♪

♪♪

Pearle: Thanks for letting me

tag along to your big meeting.

Harlot House publishes

all my favorite sexy books.

It's the least I can do.

If you hadn't supported me,

I never would've submitted

my manuscript.

Trust me.

"The Rigid Helmet" will be an

Ophira Book Club pick for sure.

The world's gonna know the name

Alex Dunkleburg.

It's Dorpenberger.

No sh*t?

Wow

The house that horny built.

The Waif and the Whip,

Sir Colton the Hung.

Queen stud.

God no! I wouldn't touch

that deal

with a dollar-store dildo.

Okay.

Eat sh*t, Jason.

Alex!

Brienne Bishop.

I loved your book.

Um, hi, actually I'm Alex.

[ Retches ]

Sorry.

I assumed "Alex" was a woman.

The description of love-making

was so tender and feminine.

But you said

you loved the book.

Here's The Deal:

there's no market

for an erotic novel

written by a man.

Let alone one who looks

like a werewolf

that didn't finish

transforming.

Our female audience wants

erotica from someone

who makes them feel safe.

An E.L. James,

a J.Q. Guintel,

anyone,

anyone with two initials

who doesn't immediately

make them vomit.

That's how you get on

Ophira's Book Club.

Wait a second! What if we put

your face on the book.

But I didn't

write this book.

But you encouraged me.

Think about it.

You could go to fancy

literary parties.

You could meet Ophira!

Oh, now!

You had me at "you could

meet Ophira."

Perfect.

We can call you--

APLaPearle!

Stop.

A novel of hot Viking erotica

by an older black lady named

A.P. LaPearle?

Now that I could sell.

[ Applause ]

[ Clears throat ]

The "Rigid Helmet"

chapter four.

"The journey across

the frozen highlands

had been treacherous"

[ Groans ]

With no fire,

I fear we shall freeze.

The only fire we need --

is the fire in our loins.

Oh my!

We know what that means!

[ Laughter ]

"Saveria guided Rothgar

to her glowing embers.

[ Horse whinnies ]

Closer, closer, 'til her body

quaked in ecstasy

and she screamed --"

"Valhallaaaaaaa!"

They loved you!

Oh, please.

You're the book,

I'm just the jacket.

You practically got

that crowd pregnant!

Alex, you sex pig,

start typing.

I want five more of these

disgusting, beautiful books.

And I want you

on a book tour.

Ooh!

But I can't go without Alex.

Sure, Alex can be

your "assistant." Whatever.

A.P. LaPearle is about to become

the Stephen King of books.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

For the next reading,

should I do one scarf or two?

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, my goodness.

Thank you. everybody!

It's from Brienne!

"Great news, perverts!

Ophira read "The Rigid Helmet"

and slid off her chair!

We're talking book club,

you freaks!"

Oooh,

it's happening for me!

Technically,

it's happening for me.

Mm-hmm. Sure, sure.

We need that book.

You keep typing.

I'll care of this.

[ Grunts ]

Ooh, it's from

Washington State.

[ Grunts ]

Honestly, the pages

just come to me.

It doesn't even

feel like work. [ Laughs ]

I love how humble she is.

Ooh, ooh, tell them!

You know what,

I'm gonna tell them --

She's going to be

on Ophira tomorrow!

Reading from

her new work.

[ Crowd gasps ]

Oh, I'd give up my stepson's

Yale admission to get on Ophira.

My stepson got into Yale.

What's the new book about?

This one's about

the eternal schism

between the carnal

and the divine,

set against the Jute conquest

of the sixth century.

A.P., who is this werewolf

and why

is he answering questions

about your next book?

[ Stammers ]

They can not know

he wrote this book!

Because he's my

nosy assistant.

Carry on assisting,

assistant.

The writers are talking.

[ Laughter ]

And get me a pomegranate

La Croix!

And pull your pants up!

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Today we've got

A.P. LaPearle!

She's going to read

from her new book,

"The Throbbing Speeeeear!"

[ Cheers and applause ]

Hey, where the hell

is your assistant?

I think I may have gone

too far last night.

[ Door opens ]

Finally!

She's about to go on.

Give her the new pages.

No.

I'm gonna read them.

Oh, the frig you are,

buddy!

I'm doing

all of the work,

it's time I got

some of the recognition.

Alex, what's the matter?

You're the book

and I'm the jacket, remember?

Not anymore.

Either I read these pages,

or the pages and I walk.

Okay, bye.

Uh, wait, I di--

You don't think

I have a backup plan?

Harlot House designed an A.I.

that analyzed your novel

and every Wikipedia page

about Vikings,

and it generated a sequel that

is absolutely thigh-quaking.

And you are fired.

♪♪

Who's ready for some

Viking roooomaaance?

Please give a warm welcome

to my new best friend,

A.P. LaaaPeeeearle!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Come on, Ma,

where are you?

I don't know, this doesn't feel

right without Alex.

Pearle, your idol Ophira

is out there,

waiting to talk to you.

You're the magic behind

A.P. LaPearle,

not Alex Dunkleberg.

It's Dorpenberger.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Who wants to get hooooorny?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Ahem.

"The Throbbing Spear,"

chapter one.

[ Cheers and applause ]

"Rothgar and Saveria

leaned against

the mast of their ship"

Ooh. I was afraid I'd never feel

your longsword again.

There is no sea

that can keep us apart.

For we Vikings are a seafaring

people who during the 8th

to 11th century

explored wide areas of Europe

and sailed as far West

as Newfoundland.

"'Oh my God,'

Rothgar whispered,

referring to Odin,

the Norse God.

Then 4.92 milliliters

of his seed flowed,

and Saveria savored it like

a typical Viking meal of meat

and vegetables stewed

in a soapstone pot."

No! These are not the words

of A.P. LaPearle!

Get this lunatic out

of here!

This isn't right.

Ophira, I'm sorry.

A.P. LaPearle didn't

write this book

because A.P. LaPearle

doesn't exist!

Alex, get up here!

What is happennnnnning?

[ Grunts ]

I'm sorry.

Go on and show 'em.

Be the book

and the jacket.

Thank you.

He wrote it.

[ Retches ]

[ Audience retching ]

[ All retching ]

You lied to my viewers.

Irequire

vengeaaaaance!

They're in a horny rage!

♪♪

Say something sexual!

Um, supple flesh?

Dewey thighs!

Engorged member.

Insistent thrusting!

Nipple!

♪♪

[ Alarm ringing ]

♪♪

From beneath the pile

of bodies a hand shot out!

Saveria gasped.

The Gods had answered her cries.

Rothgar was alive.

And rock hard.

The end."

Oooh! Alex, that gave me

the ol' gooseflesh!

Thanks for sharing

your sequel with me.

Turns out the only fan

I needed was you, Pearle.

Yeah. We chose friendship over

money, like a couple idiots.

Okay, up top.

[ Glass shatters ]

Alright, that's enough.

♪♪