02x04 - Haunted Couch/Man Up

[bunniefuu]

[ Rock music plays ]

[ Cellphone blips ]

[ Door opens ]

♪♪

[ Moaning ]

♪♪

[ Cellphones blipping ]

[ Cellphones clicking ]

[ Blipping continues ]

[ Tattoo g*n buzzing ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪♪

[ Blipping continues ]

♪♪

[ Record scratches ]

[ Choir vocalizing ]

♪♪

[ Cellphone dings ]

Derek!

[ Cellphone chimes ]

[ Groans loudly ]

Not now, Beyoncé!

♪♪

♪♪

I got ghosted again!

Why is it so hard to find a guy

who won't leave?

Trust me, one day you'll

find your perfect match.

I did!

[ Door opens ]

-We got a street couch!

-Oh, hell no!

We agreed --

no more garbage furniture!

[ Whining ] But I want it.

Oh, we got that savings account

you wanted

But we needed that!

[ Exhales sharply ]

Fine.

Yes!

Excuse us, ladies.

[ Josh and Alex laugh ]

I can't believe we carried it

15 blocks!

It's gonna feel so good

to sit on it.

h*-h*, man.

Okay, here we go.

Gotta get this right.

Gotta get this right.

Gotta warm up my cheeks.

Just like puttin' a

fish in a fishbowl, you

know what I'm saying.

Guys, can you please tone

it down a little.

Bridgette just got ghosted.

[ Wailing loudly ]

Ooooh, sorry.

You know what might help?

[ Laughs nervously ]

The healing properties

of a comfy street couch.

Whoa!

-[ Sobbing ]

[ Springs slam ]

Oh, actually, I was

thinking we could all

sit on it right now.

[ Bridgette wailing loudly ]

Ohhh, noooo!

I-I-I-It's cool.

I can wait.

[ Crickets chirping ]

[ Exhales heavily ]

You all look like

you're going to ghost me, too.

[ Sighs heavily ]

Beautiful mademoiselle,

why so sad?

[ Screams ]

Forgive me, mon chérie.

I've not properly

introduced myself.

My name is

Henri Dubois Moureau V.

My father was

the Duc D'Orléans.

Um, I'm -- I'm Bridgette.

Uh

My father is a pharmacist.

Well, he must be the king

of the pharmacists

because he raised

a princess, hmm?

[ Moaning chuckle ]

Oh! [ Giggles ]

Okay, everything about this

is working for me.

But, you're, like, dead, right?

What's that all about?

Henri: I was once France's

premier furniture designer

[ Harpsichord playing ]

[ Crowd gasps ]

and it's greatest bachelor.

♪♪

I made love to beautiful women,

and in return,

they made love back to me.

[ Woman ohh's ]

But I was unfaithful.

[ Moaning ] Ohh. Oh! Oh!

And some became jealous.

[ Screams ]

[ Scythe shinks ]

I died on this very couch.

So you're tied to this couch

forever?

Until I complete

my unfinished business,

whatever that may be.

And you,

why is it that my couch

is stained with your tears?

Oh, I was sad because guys

keep ghosting me.

No offense.

Ghosting?

What is this "ghosting?"

It's when a guy dumps

you without telling

you and vanishes.

This is, how you say,

outrage!

I would never ghost you,

sweet Bridgette.

Oh, really?

So, um[chuckles]

what are you doing later?

[ Crowd cheers ]

[ Crowd gasps ]

[ Smooches ]

♪♪

♪♪

[ Riders screaming ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

♪♪

♪♪

Your new boyfriend

seems awesome.

Henri and I have so much

in common.

He also hates fake b*tches.

-Excuse me, Candice.

-I've heard worse.

Well, I'm glad

you found someone.

Ok, just to be clear,

this is not a relationship.

This is a haunting.

I knew you were gonna be

like this.

You don't like him

because he's French.

It ain't helping, but it's

mostly because he's dead.

I mean how are you even

gonna have sex?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Whoa ♪

[ Knock on door ]

Come in.

[ Door opens ]

My love ♪

Thank you for agreeing

to be our vessel, Randy.

Anything for

a friend-slash-tenant.

Let's do this.

I've hungered for ♪

Your touch ♪

A long ♪

Lonely time ♪

Mmm.

[ Both moaning ]

Ooh.

[ Randy shouting rhythmically ]

And time ♪

Goes by ♪

[ Shouting continues ]

[ Screaming ]

So slowly ]

Did she move

the couch in there?

I haven't had a chance

to sit on it yet.

And time ♪

Donotgo in there!

[ Sobbing ]

Can do so much ♪

Are you ♪

[ Snoring ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Humming sleepily ]

[ Coughs ] Ew, gross.

[ Murmuring in sleep ]

Gross. [ Grunts ]

Ew.

Bonjour, mon chéri.

[ Chuckles ]

What a beautiful morning

after such a beautiful

evening of love-make.

Yeaaah, it wasgreat.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm just used to

sleeping alone.

Well, you will never

have to again.

Uh, I need to go in here.

Pardon,

is everything alright?

Yeah, it's fine.

Great.

♪♪

Did I say you could leave

a toothbrush in here?

[ Chuckles ]

No, but, uh, I, um,

how you say, assumed,

uh, since we live together.

[ Humming ]

You knew the word

was "assumed."

[ Door slams ]

Bridgette, I apologize

if I've done anything to offend.

[ Harpsichord playing ]

I -- I hope

you can forgive me.

Yeah, gross.

I'm not really into chocolate.

[ Door closes ]

[ Cellphone clicking ]

Bridgette

[ Couch scraping ]

I have

a beautiful surprise

for a beautiful lady.

Greeeaaat.

More dead things.

[ Harpsichord continues ]

Bridgette, I have expressed

my passion for you

through the medium

of painting.

I've also written an opera

about your face.

Uh-huh.

[ Sighs deeply ]

I guess it does not matter.

[ Chuckles ]

Nothing I do

seems to matter.

[ Monotone ]

What do you mean?

You're the best

Yay

Is that why

you put up zis?!

What?

It's my favorite movie.

[ Cries ]

Why have you grown so cold?

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Ooh, sorry.

I'm getting a call.

Ah, zere it is!

Classic Bridgette.

Zings get le tough

and you le run away

to ze fake phone call!

[ Whispering ] Shh!

You're being a d*ck!

Yes, I do have time

for a survey.

Ah! Bridgette!

You are tearing me apart!

[ Ughs ] Whatever.

Like I don't have three more.

No, no, no.

You're not going anywhere

until you tell me

why you are so upset with me.

Hey guys, is it cool

if I sit on the

[ Indistinct arguing ]

Aw, man

Upset?

How could I be upset about a

dead guy who's chained to a

couch and can never leave?!

Is zat what you wish?

You wish I could, uh,

ghost you?

Please!

You're being ridiculous!

Why would I want a guy

to ghostme?

Hey, I was thinking,

maybe I could leave

a toothbrush

at your place?

Yuck.

Take me to Wetzel's

and don't embarrass me.

[ Whispering ] Psst,

I bought a toothbrush

to leave at your place.

[ Gasps ]

[ Straining ]

Bridgette, I have something

I want to keep at your place.

What -- What are y--

Bridgette, I love you!

Oh, sh*t. I'm the d*ck.

So, I'm sorry

for how I behaved.

You know how women

are conditioned to be

non-confrontational

with guys

so they don't get m*rder*d

or locked in a basement?

Oui, of course.

I've realized that's why

I sabotage relationships

when I just want them

to be over.

Instead of just

breaking things off,

I force guys to ghost me.

So, you want to break things

off avec moi?

You are a really,

really great ghost.

And if I was ready,

or if you were alive,

maybe this would be

different.

[ Sighs ] I understand.

You do?

Are you sure you don't want

to yell at me

in the back of an Uber

or something?

No, no, no.

I am done disrespecting women.

When I was among ze living,

I was a cad, a cheat.

I hurt every woman I ever loved,

and it k*lled me.

Hurt peoplehurt people.

Ohh

I don't want to hurt you.

Nor I you.

I want you to be happy.

[ Crying chuckles ]

I can't believe

how mature this breakup is.

[ Whooshing ]

Mon dieu!

What's happening?

My unfinished business!

I must have needed to have

a healthy breakup!

Or to make love to a woman

by possessing

a shirtless man's body.

Either way, farewell, sweet

Bridgette of House Pharmacist!

Goodbye, Henri!

Thanks for not freaking out

when I broke up with you!

No, I broke up with you!

I broke up with him.

Couch? No! No!

[ Sobbing ] No!

Oh, God

I never got to sit on you

[ T-Rex roars ]

Teller:

Next customer, please.

You excited to open your

very first savings account?

Yeah!

Coin purses are for kids.

[ expl*si*n ]

[ Crowd screaming ]

[ Metal shinks ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Roaring ]

[ Screaming continues ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Bones rattle ]

-[ Growls ]

-[ Screams ]

What do I do?

What do I do?

Run!

Josh?

♪♪

Here at

First Bank of Hollywood,

our interest rates

are out-of-this-world!

[ Camera shutter clicking ]

♪♪

Wow, ha, guess you, uh, would

expect high-production values

from Bank of Hollywood,

huh?

You know what we didn't expect?

For you to bail

on your family!

Hey, Earthling.

Here's a free coin purse.

We also have super-low interest

rates on our divorce loans.

Here's my card.

[ Gagging ]

♪♪

♪♪

Of course I want to be

the kind of guy

who'll protect his family

if sh*t goes down.

You wanna be John McClane.

Exactly.

But when it comes to

"fight or flight,"

my body just

always picks flight.

So

More of a John McLame?

Nailed it.

-Haha, points!

You hush up, Randy!

Not everyone's born brave.

sh**t, at the police academy,

we'd have recruits

come in all jumpy as hell,

scared of their own peckers.

Oh, we called

handguns "peckers."

Penises we called

"shotguns,"

and shotguns we called

"long dongs."

Anyway, with my training

I'd built 'em up

into tough-a*s L.A. cops.

Wait, Pearle, could you

do that for me?

Train me to be brave

when my family's in danger?

Pearle?

[ Both shout ]

[ Thuds ]

We've already begun.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man.

This is gonna be so sweet.

[ Dog growling, barking ]

[ Screaming ]

Oh! Oh, nooo!

Randy?

Woof, woof!

[ Panting ]

Tastes like fear!

Lesson Number One:

Danger's gonna come at you

from every direction.

Now, Alex made a scale replica

of Candice

out of eggs that you have

to protect at all times.

[ Button clicks ]

Daddy! Help me!

I made an Emily, too.

That's so many eggs.

Your coward gut is gonna

tell you to run,

so you've gotta listen

to your brain and fight!

[ Groans ]

Ha!

Your dong's

telling you "owww!"

Your environment

is your weapon!

[ Grunting ]

[ Shouting ]

[ Both grunt ]

They can't get you

if they can't see you.

[ Chuckling ]

But don't ever apply

fence varnish to your face.

And finally,

when you expect danger,

danger can't expect you!

[ Straining ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Shouts ]

Now your dong's

telling you ow.

[ Screaming ] Oww!

Yes!

I'm brave!

Simmer down, Thin Diesel.

This backyard stuff

was just phase

one of the training.

Phase two's gonna come at you

in the real world

when you least expect it.

And boy is it gonna blow

yourmind.

Bring it on.

[ Grunting ]

[ Eggs squishing ]

[ Saxophone playing ]

Deck the halls

with Q4 profits ♪

Up 13% year after year.

[ Saxophone continues ]

[ Glasses shatter ]

[ Crowd exclaiming ]

Whoa

Hey folks, it's been a heckuva

year for Food Corps!

But next year'll be even better

when we unveil

the Barbecue-Cumber!

Narrator: We took a pig

and a cucumber

and combined them.

[ Pig squeals ]

The Barbecue-Cumber.

Cool.

Hot as a cucumber.

I mean a cucumber that tastes

like pulled pork?

Ka-ching!

[ Grunting ] Hoo, ha!

Hyah! Ha!

And that, my friends,

is how you disarm

somebody who's holding

a churro.

[ Chomps ]

Yeah, real awesome, Josh.

Tell me, did Pearle teach you

how to disarm a fake alien?

Oh, ha ha ha.

I can take your sarcasm

'cause

I am a changed man, Em.

[ Pops ]

[ Screams ] g*n!

[ Groaning ]

[ Breaks squeaking ]

♪♪

Ha, wow, could you be

any more t*rror1st-y?

Huh, wow.

Could you be

any more dying now?

[ Water slamming ]

Damn it, Josh.

All that training and for what?

Ah man, my best white slip-ons!

[ g*nsh*t, glass shattering ]

Geez, they really

like champagne.

Jan: Now punch that one

over there!

[ Punches ]

Wait, That's not the sound of

people enjoying sparkling wine.

[ People screaming ]

[ Gasps deeply ]

♪♪

Phase two's gonna come at you

in the real world

when you least expect it.

Phase two!

Pearle's simulating

a t*rror1st takeover

just like in "Die Hard 2,"

except in a building!

Alright, Josh, let's do this.

[ Sleigh bells ringing ]

♪♪

[ German accent ] Hey!

Where you think you're going?

[ Chuckles ]

To save my family.

[ Growling ]

Whoa, you're really

going for it.

Love the commitment.

What are you

babbling about?

[ Chuckles ] So good.

Hoo! Ha! Hyah!

[ Shouts ]

[ Grunting loudly ]

Oh, my God

Pearle hired

professional stunt men!

You want

the Barbecue-Cumber?

But it's not

even available yet.

Exactly,

Mr. "Shark Tank" CEO.

That is why you will be

opening your vault

to be giving us

the genetic sequence.

What are you, some kind

of environmental activists?

Capitalists.

A vegetable

that is tasting

like smokey barbecue?

[ Chuckles ] We will be selling

to highest bidder.

Probably Whole Foods.

You'll have to k*ll me for it!

No, no, don't, don't.

I was just kidding.

We're insured

for this sort of thing.

Okee-dokee, let's get that vault

open before the k*lling.

Emily, what's my password?

I don't know, Mr. Salt.

That's okay.

We've got a protocol

for this type of situation.

"Who was your best friend

in grade school?"

Oh, geez, how could I choose

just one?

Are you even to be

kidding me right now?!

Josh, remember,

your environment

is your weapon.

[ Squashes ]

They can't get you

if they can't see you.

Jan: Juergen, we might needing

start blowing ze up the vault.

Juergen, comings in.

Juergen!

Josh: Sorry, pal.

Juergen just got creamed.

Who is this?

Your worst nightmare.

Oh, man,

that was so badass!

Oh, gotta unsqueeze

the button --

[ Static ]

Daddy?

[ Josh grunting ]

Who is this Green Day

American idiot?!

I-I honestly don't know.

Just some super-sexy

hero type?

I just

remembered it!

"My name is Mr. Salt,"

and the "E" is a three.

[ Vault chiming, beeping ]

♪♪

[ Sniffs deeply ]

[ Exhales deeply ]

The Barbecue-Cumber.

Soon I am being a billionaire.

[ Hose clanking ]

[ Punching ]

Final boss time!

Not another step,

Mr. George W. Cowboy.

Daddy!

It's okay, sweetie.

Daddy's crushing

this simulation.

What simulation?!

You know, this.

Pearle was training me

to be brave.

These guys

are all a part of it.

Josh, no, this is real.

These guys

are real bad guys.

Suuure, Em.

And I bet this paintball g*n

shoots real b*ll*ts, too, huh?

This is real!

[ Sizzling ]

And it was Karl's

first day on job.

Well, internship.

Oh, man. Oh, man.

Josh!

Keep it together!

So pathetic.

And now,

Mr. Chocolate Chip Coward,

it is being time

for you to die.

[ Slo-mo laughter ]

[ Slo-mo panting ]

Run!

Let's get outta here!

No, we fight!

Right?

Don't look at me,

I'm just your dong.

I vote we run!

Well, if we have to run,

at least run

in the right direction!

[ Electricity crackling ]

[ Panting ]

[ Slo-mo laughter continues ]

[ Slo-mo panting continues ]

[ Squishes ]

No!

I wanted no part of this.

[ Straining ]

[ Slo-mo ] Nooo!

[ Grunts ]

[ Popcorn popping ]

[ Electric guitar "Jingle Bells"

plays ]

Oh my, God, Josh!

You're shot!

Where's --

There's -- There's no blood.

Whoooaaa

Saved by

out-of-this-world savings.

Man, if this is what

they do for Christmas,

I've gotta be here

for New Year's.

Hey, wait a minute.

I wonder what phase two

really was.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, man.

He's gonna sh*t!

♪♪