01x03 - Headshot Time!

[bunniefuu]

Man: Is that even you?!

The studio exec said

your latest headshot

or the deal's off!

That's the best photo of me

that has ever been taken.

Yeah. It looks like you're going

to a disco in Brooklyn in 1977.

Sorry, I'm not one of these

actors who every time

they hit a rough patch, they go

and get a new headshots.

Well, you could have got one

in the right decade at least.

Did you audition for

"Scarface"?

People know who I am.

They want me, they can find.

We're not talking about

the IRS!

We're talking

about studio execs!

Antonia's bosses need to know

who she's fighting for.

The only way

this show happens.

Right. Set up a sh**t.

I'm available all next week.

Brandon's bringing

a photographer over today.

What?

This is bullshit!

♪♪

[Sniffing, exhales]

♪♪

[Camera shutter clicking]

Ah, this is bullshit.

So this is the Glendale version

of Annie Leibovitz?

Oh, this is more

than just a photographer.

It's a bloody

photo booth!

It comes with

amazing props!

You know, they generally fire

mall cops

for stealing

the photo booth!

I am not just

a mall cop!.

I'm the executive in charge of

social media for Cooper's Bar.

Oh

[Laughing]

You laugh!

But you know the kid

with the crazy nails

that came into the bar?

That's Billy Canasta.

He's a huge influencer.

And that new collab house

next door,

Flex House,

has 20 million followers.

Oh, and he's on

"Who's Got Krabz?"

Both: That's Billy Canasta!

Of course!

I was flipping sure

he was the one

that got crabs last week!

I always get that wrong.

That post he made of

Cooper's Buffalo wings

has been shared

100,000 times.

Cooper's is

blowin' up!

Come on!

I feel like I'm at a peep show.

Maybe give him some direction.

Yeah.

Oh, here comes the direction.

Have you ever seen

a shark

stalking

a hermit crab?

No.

Think, "Magnum, P.I."

Big mustache, little shorts.

You couldn't direct

sick into a bag.

Coop, mate,

just give us

something for the studio,

please.

Then admit you want something

more bullshit!

You want funzo Cooper,

right?

Ah!

How about this one,

De Niro as Frankenstein.

Aah!

[Chuckles]

Glamour, Cooper! Yeah!

Put that on!

And with the hat.

Scary Cooper.

Less Chucky,

More "Friday the 13th."

They owe you money.

Runway model.

There you go.

Ta-da! We're taking it

to a whole nother level.

I look like an undertaker.

You look like

a barman.

Which is how Cooper Marino

needs to look

If Cooper Marino

is going to play Cooper Marino.

Woman: Cooper Marino will never

play Cooper Marino.

You jizzwads.

I sent my semi-illiterate

dildo of development

over here

with just one job

just get Cooper Marino

to sign over his life rights.

[Whistles]

But she says Cooper Marino

won't sign the deal

unless we guarantee

that he plays the lead.

That's a gross

mischaracterization

of what happened.You would think that you don't

tell the rights holders

your plans

until after you get

their signature.

But here we are.

If you want this show to happen,

you need to sign this deal.

I didn't say I wouldn't sign.

I just have

a couple of comments.

Well, we've upped the offer

to $10,000,

so I assume

that addresses your comments.

Not about the money, Kris.Okay.

You can have meaningless

consultation

on all creative matters,

but the studio gets final say.

Our people never go for that.

Your people?

We threw your people out

in the Revolution,

you tea-sipping redcoat.

So how about you shut your hole

or I'm calling ICE.

Hey, that's r*cist!

David is not an ill*gal alien.

I'm just waiting for

the divorce to come through.

Then I can marry

an American.

Oh! They must be lining up

around the block

for a 50 year old Uber driver!

No, not so much?

Great. $12,000.

And that should help

with his divorce costs.

It's not about me.

I just want to get the role

of a lifetime

from my most talented friend.

This is not "RuPaul's Drag Race

for the AARP."

We're not casting a 60-year-old

never-been.

He's been in

50 movies!

I don't give a rat's a*s

about his background career.

First off,

it wasn't background.

Second, for some reason,

the biggest d*ck.

in Hollywood

pays a visit to this

never-been

to sign over

my life rights.

$15,000.I wouldn't sign sh*t, Coop.

Speak to Antonia first.Are you talking?

Let me educate you

on the entertainment industry.

Head of development

is a bullshit position

given to someone's

useless niece or nephew.

Like a priest

in 19th century England, David.

Oh, right.

Your boss

must really like this idea.

♪♪

$20,000.

Final offer.

Hey! Whoa, whoa!

50 feet, lady!

Did I ask you here?

I have a restraining order.

This is my house!

Cooper, there are some kids

outside trying to show me

their ID

I am not a g*dd*mn bouncer.

Brandon, would you be so kind

as to go tell them to get lost?

Uh, Miss Latimer

Brandon Washington, head writer.

Goblet Old Cabernet.

You remember me?

No.

Cooper

You will be allowed

on set

for one supervised visit.

[Scoffs]

And I'm upping

the offer

to $25,000.

Okay, fine!

Okay, fine.

You know what?

You're right.

You are right.

The head of the studio likes it.

Cyrus Long has read it?!

He says

it is the best idea.

He's heard

from me

in years.

And we've been negotiating

Amy Schumer's contract

for weeks.It's my life.

Cooper, come on!

Please!

If I don't give him

a hit,

I'm gonna

lose my job

and my reputation,

and my entire sense

of superiority.

Oh, something is wrong

with her.

Clinically speaking.

Cooper!

Cooper, listen,

you name your price,

and I'm going to

fight for you.

I don't have a price, Kris.

Both: Yes, he does!

You know what I want?

You are not playing Cooper!

Cooper!

Okay, fine.Okay!

Brandon is

the showrunner,

and David directs

the pilot.

That is possibly even worse

than you playing Cooper!

Take it or leave it.

♪♪

You know what?

You've been out of

this business so long,

you don't know when to pick up

your toys and just run home.

♪♪

I'm going to bury you.

Get out of my way, losers!

Brandon: Oh! Billy Canasta

is back in the house!

Coops, get this man

his usual.

Bacardi daiquiri, brah.

Oh, right!

I've been drinking

quite a few of these myself.

You should make it like

the house drink, right, man?

Ah! Yeah.Yeah.

Come on, Cooper.

The Billy Hive loves you.

Think you've just blown

a TV show?

Nah, I finally have

something they want.

She'll be back.

♪♪

♪♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪

Sometimes I feel like I can

turn the world upside down ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I can never be wrong ♪

Sometimes I feel like there is

something more than I want ♪

Sometimes I feel like

I don't have a reason ♪