01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Cooper: This L.A. is like

a wildlife series.

I got skunks, coyotes, cats

banging under my house.

At least somebody

is getting laid.

I wish I lived

in a civilized city.

Yeah, but how many pirates

are they casting

out of Buffalo, Coop?

You got to be here.

I'm done busting my a*s.

Yesterday, I had my first

audition in four months.

I drove two hours across town

to say three lines.

By the time I got back

to my car,

I was told they're going

in a different direction.

You know what direction

I'm going?

Back to Buffalo

to open a bar.

Open it here.

Why?

So you could drink

all the profits?

Yeah, but when

I sell my pitch

"When I sell my pitch."

I'm telling you Brandon!

No one wants to see

a Christian zombie movie.

"Army of the Unwanted"

is more like

a spiritual thriller.

It has a message.

Well, if that's the only offer

on the table,

I'd rather grow a man bun

and work at a co-op.

Did you find

everything alright?

That's actually

very healthy.

Mary: Cooper!

Jesus Christ.

David is gonna be here

in four minutes.

You can't even

take out the trash?

Clean up for David?

Why?

You told me he was bringing

what's his name from the studio.

Kris.

Kris Latimer.

When has David ever come

through on anything?

He came through on an eighth

of Kush last night.

This sh*t

is super strong.

Maybe that's why

I don't feel so good today.

What if he does show up, Coop?

You're never gonna work again

if he thinks

you are a degenerate snob.

David wants me to pitch

this place

to Kris Latimer

as a TV show

"Cooper's Bar."

Nobody's gonna buy that.

With me in it.

Doing what?

Acting.

I'm an actor.

Oh, yeah.

Anyway

this Kris Latimer

is one of the biggest dicks

in Hollywood.

He'd never come here.

You ever met him?

Hell, no.

He's some dweeb from Seattle.

Yeah. Tech guy thinks

he could run a studio.

No, thanks. David met him

at Armenian boot camp.

Are they all Armenian?

No!

What? Are you

That's a little r*cist.

Anyway, this Kris Latimer

is never gonna hire me.

They'll They'll give it

to a name

or, uh, Danny DeVito.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

Go easy on that, man.

Why are you so worried

about being recast

in an imaginary show

anyway?

Kris Latimer

is not coming.

No, he is not.

Yeah.

No. What?

I don't know why

it's called a Dandie.

I just know

it's a vegan marshmallow.

Okay?

Hey!

No, you need to get them by EOD

because Sybil's coming over

to play with my daughter

this weekend.

And Sybil's father is the most

important director in Hollywood,

and Sybil's father told Sybil

that she's a vegan.

So now we have to accept

that as a fact, right?

Can you stop crying

and just do your job?

It's not that har

Alright, hang on.

No, no, no, no. I got another

call coming through.

I got to take it.

Hi.

No, but I am going

into a meeting

with Amy Schumer right now.

- Get off the g*dd*mn phone.

- Hang on.

I think

I just found the valet.

I could not find you anywhere.

I had to self-park.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You moved my garbage can,

and now my trash

won't be picked up.

Okay, back off, b*tch.

No, just some crazy person.

No, listen. No, the Amy thing

all happened last

Oh, holy shi-i-t!

Go ahead. I'm listening.

Yeah, her agents told me.

Right, I know.

Yeah, but No, well

Well, Amy Schumer's agent

said

Hang on.

I will read it to you.

"She wants to play a total loser

who thinks they're cool."

Yeah, I know we don't have that.

I cannot find this place.

I'm just gonna tell her

that we have it.

Alright. I'll call you after.

Jesus, I cannot believe

I just climbed over a recliner

in the street.

I think I got HPV.

Sorry.

Is this, uh, Cooper's Bar?

Hell yeah.

This is Cooper's Bar.

Why don't you let me

pour you a goblet

o' Cabernet?

Oh, hell yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

This place is, uh,

amazing.

Thank you.

My grandfather,

father and myself,

all bartenders in Buffalo.

So I built this place.

Mmm.

You have so much stuff.

I'm here every night.

That's one thing I'd like

to get rid of.

Oh. One of your neighbors

is a real crazy b*tch.

Well, that's L.A. You get

a designated as*h*le per street.

It's not gender specific.

Cheers to that.

Yeah.

So where's

you know who?

Kris Latimer? Yeah.

He ain't coming. What?

I'm I'm sorry.

You are?

Come on. f*ck off.

Where's Amy Schumer?

That woman called me a b*tch.

Oh, that is the crazy as*h*le

I told you about.

Kris Latimer

and Cooper Marino!

I knew you'd hit it off.

David.

Kris Latimer?

Yes!

Oh, sorry.

We didn't realize That you'd have t*tties.

Wait.

Who is Cooper Marino?

Kris Latimer.

Hey!

Hey! Hey.

I thought you said

Kris Latimer

was the biggest d*ck

in Hollywood.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I have the biggest d*ck

in Hollywood.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We just didn't believe

David could get a real exec

like yourself

to show up at my bar

Yard to pitch our show.

David, you told me

we were meeting Amy Schumer.

We are?

Oh, yeah.

She's here

practically every night.

Isn't that right,

Mary Poppins?

Well, yeah. Oh, David. Come on.

I saw her once getting coffee

in our neighborhood.

- Alright, I'm out of here.

- Kris, please.

J-J-Just 5 minutes.

I mean, Cooper's great.

This bar is amazing.

I can't feel my eyelids.

Just sit down,

and Cooper is gonna give you

the whole pitch.

David: Pitch.

Me?

Well, I

I got this.

No.

I got it. Brandon, please.

It's called "Army

of the Unwanted."

It's a Christian

zombie-vampire movie.

Oh, God. About all

the aborted souls

of the babies

who returned to Earth

seeking their revenge.

Alright.

David f*ck you.

Wait, wait.

Hold on a sec.

Oh, I don't feel so good.

Cooper: Oh, sh*t.

David, call 911.

Cooper, do chest compressions.

Kris, count the compressions.

His chest is like

a garbage can.

Oh, God. Just move.

Oh, wait. He's just

regained consciousness.

Hang on.

Brandon, you okay?

Actually, don't come.

He's fine.

Gosh, that was brilliant!

I think that's

how I'm gonna end

the first episode

of "Cooper's Bar."

I got to do damage control.

Amy Schumer.

Don't you see it?

It's this place.

These people on the show,

on the telly.

A show about a bunch of total

losers who think they're cool?

Really?

What? What? Wait.

What pitch is that?

It's our pitch.

It's "Cooper's Bar."

Yeah. Yeah, that might work.

I mean, it's sure as sh*t better

than his Mike Pence

baby zombies crap, right?

I was high.

Lots of people are high,

and no one else is pitching

steaming piles of sh*t.

Okay?

you three, call my office.

Set something up.

I got to fly.

It's like the Bills/Oilers game

all over again.

It's the greatest comeback

since the comeback!

Oh, sh*t.