02x04 - Kissing Presumed Dead

[bunniefuu]

'A boy's testes will swell to

more than three times their size

'when they go through puberty.

'From the ages of 11,

'you'll start to notice

changes in your body.'

Sex education? HE SNIGGERS

There's hardly any sex

and barely any education.

No-one left those lessons knowing

how to, you know, "do it".

Quite frankly, I'm surprised

the human race didn't

die out after 1987.

'Having intercourse, though,

'could cause an

unwanted pregnancy.

'Many young girls are

ostracised by their own families

'and need to take

drastic action.

'Sexual attraction

between a man and a woman

'is nothing to be ashamed

of and completely natural.

'It may start with a

feeling of butterflies.'

Has anyone seen an ovary?

'A warm sensation, a

fizziness in your tummy.

'Sexual attraction

should be enjoyed.

'It is nothing to

be ashamed of.'

Found it!

BELL RINGS

Oh, I don't know, Kay.

Fizziness in your tummy?

I'm a boy, not a SodaStream.

I found it all a bit patronising.

Why show a cartoon vulva?

Vulva? I thought it was a pasty.

Oh, I've been meaning to ask.

Looking forward to

the disco, Alan?

Oh, yeah, I love a good dance.

What are you doing?

Walking like an Egyptian. Fun

and historically accurate.

If you like hieroglyphics

and dancing

BOTH: It's perfect!

No-one's going to dance, Alan.

We're gonna impress the ladies.

Yeah, Sarah Bedley's gonna get

the wettest kiss of her life.

I heard Nicola Barnes has

started wearing a bra now. Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

ALAN SIGHS

Are there any girls

on your mind, Alan?

The Bangles?

Actually, I've been preparing

a routine for the disco.

I hear there's gonna be

slow dances at the end.

I think people are

gonna kiss, Alan.

Take your mind out the gutter.

Can't people just kick

back and do the conga

without a tongue being

forced down their throat?

It's natural. You saw the video

- the fizziness, butterflies.

I also saw the bit on

unwanted pregnancy.

HE GROANS

Bad news, Alfie's out. Ankle

injury, could be broken.

What? No, not Alfie.

Surely not?!

I mean, we've got Preston

snapping at our heels.

Where's, er, Joy? I

need an insurance form.

I don't know. She walked out.

What?

Said she felt undervalued and

was sick of being talked down to.

Yada, yada, yada.

I caught her crying

over the photocopier.

Was she all right? I dunno.

But we had to get rid of

a whole batch of A4 paper.

It was wet through.

Oh, poor Joy.

Poor Joy? That paper

ain't cheap, Graham.

And this were top quality. Cut

yourself with it, you bleed gold.

HE GROANS

YOUNG ALAN: Mmm. Mmm

OK, I was intrigued

about this kissing thing.

I could perfect my kiss in

the privacy of my bedroom.

My forearm crease wasn't

gonna slap me around the face

for slipping in a bit of tongue.

And if I'm honest, I was probably

a bit scared about the kissing.

The only woman I'd ever fancied

was Maria from Guess Who,

and that was only

because she had a beret.

But interestingly, my eyes

would always find Bernard.

Any dirty washing, Alan?

No!

DOORBELL RINGS

You going? School disco.

School disco? Yeah, Nigel's

supplying his old DJ equipment.

Used to spin the decks.

Did all the big venues.

Cinderella Rockerfella, Slurps.

Oh, I didn't know

he was musical.

Oh, my God, you should

see him. He is effortless.

Are you going as well, then?

He can't perform

without me, Christine.

He's gotta be lookin' in

my eyes to feel the rhythm.

It's a kids' disco, Ange.

I know, I used to take

Charlie to all his gigs.

Whack the pram

against the speaker.

Knocked him right out,

he'd sleep through.

He's probably traumatised. I'll

keep an eye on Alan for you.

Who's he gonna be dancing

with, do you know?

Oh, he'll have a few

options, but, erm,

I think he's quite happy with

Kay. The little elderly girl?

That's nice.

Disco could be perfect

for him, actually.

Oh, my Alan's a good little

mover. Low lighting, loud music -

he might have more luck if the

girls can't see him or hear him.

Wish I couldn't see or hear you.

Well, I best skidoodle. Gotta give

Nige a leg up with his woofer.

Deely boppers.

GRAHAM: Hey, what's for tea?

"Oh, how was your day, Christine?

Do anything nice, Christine?

"Leave the house and get

any fresh air, Christine?"

Fish fingers. Oh.

So, what did we learn at

school today, lads? Impress me.

Hormones make you fizzy,

your testicles can swell

up to three times the size,

and a wet dream can

happen at any moment.

I've gotta be on my guard.

Christ. Three times?

I don't think they should be telling

kids all this. It scares 'em.

Let 'em have their childhood.

Vaginas - big deal,

we've all got 'em.

How was your day,

Graham? Oh, horrific.

Alfie's out, ankle injury.

Oh, and Joy left. Stormed off.

Oh, I liked Joy.

Think she had a breakdown.

Couldn't handle it, you know.

We're gonna struggle

without her.

Well, I can do it.

Don't be daft. Why not?

Well, it's a lot of counting.

I can count. Everyone's got

three fish fingers, ain't they?

Come on, give me a

go, I wanna do it.

Everywhere I look, I see women

taking control of their lives,

leaving the kitchen,

hanging up their pinnies

and making a real difference

to their community.

Well, I'm ready to

make that change.

I wanted peas, not beans.

And make that change, she did.

She was in that office before

you could say "suffragette".

A to C, they go first.

Followed by D to G.

Like the alphabet, you know.

Oh, and I'm guessing Z goes

oh, at the end?

Good girl. Ha, quick learner.

Well, so, do I get the job?

Let's see how well

you make a cuppa.

SHE LAUGHS

Are you being serious?

Oh, and she always hides

Garibaldis in here.

See if you can find 'em, yeah?

SHE SIGHS

I was confused.

I'd often heard Val bragging

about her vigorous sex life

and wondered if she

could enlighten me.

Val, what was your

first kiss like?

Did you feel fizzy inside?

Ooh, that takes me back.

My first kiss was Runny?

Er, yes, please.

It was with a boy called

Fred. He had lovely eyes.

The colours of Mushy peas?

And lips like Two fishcakes?

And then he whispered

in my ear

Could I tempt you

with a sausage?

Of course, he tried it on, and

if my father had found out,

he would have been Mincemeat?

There you go, my lovely.

And then he grabbed me, pulled

me onto the bed and said

Turnover? Apple

or plain? Plain.

There you go, my

lovely. Thank you.

And how did it make

you feel? Dripping?

More dripping! Yeah.

I just felt fizzy.

Well, I'm glad she

cleared that up (!)

Ron. Oh, Graham.

You won't believe

this. What's up?

It's more bad news.

They've given us a female linesman

for the game on Wednesday.

You are joking. I wish I was.

How can she be a linesman?

Women don't even watch football.

She won't know

which end is which.

Paddy, you can explain the offside

rule to her, because I'm not.

Women understanding the

offside rule? Never.

Never. Never.

Can youse hear yourself talk? You

sound like a bunch of Victorians.

I'll shut the door. And

don't shut the door!

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

And, Ron, you've got a daughter.

There are women

bloody everywhere.

You know, if someone had

told me back in 1961,

when I started playing,

that a woman would tell us what

was a goal and what wasn't,

I'd have laughed in their face.

They're taking over the

world. I blame Bananarama.

THEY CHUCKLE

BRENDA: Er, may I

hoover? Back off, Brenda!

Don't tell us what to do.

Enter.

Miss Gideon? Can I have a word?

Anything for you, my angel.

I need some advice.

You see

I wanna go to the disco, but

I don't wanna go to the disco.

Oh, I'm not making much

sense. But you love dancing.

It's not the dancing,

its everything else.

Everyone, all of a sudden, is

just talking about kissing.

Ah.

A strange thing, a kiss.

The Kiss Of The Spider Woman, A

Prelude To A Kiss, the band Kiss.

I've been in them all.

But it's who or what

the kiss might lead to

that's worrying you.

Now I just feel scared. I think

I'm just gonna stay at home.

Oh, listen, you're just feeling

the pressure of expectations.

You're still finding your

feet - you know, who you are,

who you might like to be, who

you might like to like.

But they need

help at the disco.

What if you could be

there and not be there?

When it gets a bit too

much - mop, mop, mop.

When you have a

feeling in your gut -

bunting, bunting, bunting.

And then, when you're ready

breathe, smile

and come back more

confident than ever!

But I don't FEEL confident.

Then fake it! What?

Well, when you were in Animal

Farm, the musical, you were a pig.

Are you a pig in real

life? Course not.

Then why can't you play

a confident young man?

You were a pig. SHE OINKS

Fake it. We're all faking it.

When did you fake it?

North Korea, 1984.

It was the opening night

of Starlight Express.

God, I couldn't sing, I

couldn't even roller skate.

I just clung to

the side and mimed.

Do you know what

the critics said?

It was the worst thing they'd

ever seen? It was a triumph.

Hm.

Fake it. Give it a go.

Bonne chance!

DISCO MUSIC

When I went to the school disco,

I only had one thing on my mind.

Boys, boys, boys I'm

looking for a good time

Boys, boys, boys ♪

Ah!

Slushies!

The blue one was my favourite.

These were like our

modern-day spice.

Where else could you get

brain freeze, a blue tongue

and mild hallucinations

if you had more than two?

They were a triple

threat in a paper cup.

He'll be off his

t*ts in five minutes.

Guess who? Hi, Kay.

YOUNG ALAN GASPS Nice beret.

Very Maria. Thanks.

Bernard?

You look so handsome

in your chinos. Thanks.

I wish my mum had put a

crease down the front.

That's how he wears them.

Nathan from Brother

Beyond? Poirot.

DJ: Next tune, The

Only Way Is Up.

Is it really, though,

when you're free-falling through

a life you have no control over?

ALAN: 'While we all

wanted to get on down,

'Mr Chapman was just down.'

Lovely turnout.

Maybe we could cosy

up on the crash mats.

This repetitive beat isn't

conducive to good conversation.

Oh, someone's tugging at

my bunting. Wait there.

Oh, there you are!

I just dropped Alan at the

disco and got your message.

What's so urgent? I

did all my filing.

Cups. What?

Clean cups. Eleven cups of

tea. The away team are parched.

And I don't know

how to work the urn.

Is it hot water, or?

You've dragged me halfway across

town to do the washing up?!

And make the tea.

I've got a million and one

other things to be doing.

Plus, poor Gary

should be in bed!

When is the modern

women gonna learn?

Either mother or businesswoman.

You have to make a choice.

I'll give you a choice.

Which testicle do

you want me to kick?

Ten minutes, lads.

Must be hard for her. What?

Getting her lippy to

match the corner flag.

MEN CHUCKLE Ron!

This was our first

dance and the last.

SONG: 'Don't You Want Me'

Are you lot gonna

dance, or what?

Dearie me. Oh, forget it.

HE GRUNTS, LAUGHTER

HE SOBS

Come on, big man. That's right.

SOBBING INTENSIFIES You're OK.

WAILING: I feel so bad.

Another one? I'll

be over the limit.

Do you think it

will be incremental,

or more of a fundamental shift?

What? The kissing.

The butterflies.

Sorry, Kay, Val wants me.

Don't you want me? You

know I can't believe it ♪

Alan. LAUGHTER

Don't you want me? ♪

Hello, Easton Lovell!

We having a good time?

Yes! Let's hear you.

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Yeah! Yeah.

OK, so, Mr Chapman's

not feeling very well.

He's just gonna go and get

a strong cup of coffee,

but in the meantime, get

ready for the Nigel Hudson

LOW VOICE: experience.

SONG: 'Never

Gonna Give You Up'

MR CHAPMAN SOBS

KNOCKING ON DOOR Yeah?

Hello, there.

I just wanted to say,

ignore those idiots.

Idiots? My husband

and the chairman.

They can come across as a

bit bit sexist, you know.

I don't listen. I just switch

off and try and stay focused.

Oh! Good for you.

What does your husband

think about you doing this?

I'm single. Aw,

well, that's a shame.

Oh, well, you might see

a nice man in the crowd

when you're waving

your flaggy thing.

Let's hope so, eh?

Oh, that's the spirit.

I know you're being all professional

and doing everything by the book,

but would you like a

cup of tea and biscuit?

Not before a match. Ah.

Oh, your outfit

really suits you.

I'm not just a linesman, you know.

I play football with other women.

Oh, and I thought

I was doing well

doing a bit of filing

here and there.

Well, you're doing your

bit, and that's what counts.

You know, women's football

is gonna grow and grow.

Well, keep dreaming, darling.

Yeah, baby, she's got it

I'm your Venus

I'm your fire,

your desire ♪

"I am two fools, I know

"For loving and for saying so."

What? Nothing, nothing.

Have you felt fizzy

tonight? Why? Have you?

ALAN: 'So, this was it.

Everything had led to this moment.

'My life was going

to change forever.'

Alan! Ms Gideon!

I've got a call-back!

A call-back? For what?

A musical! Big, huge, huge musical.

I'm down to the last three.

You didn't tell me

about a musical.

Well, I didn't

want to tempt fate.

The Scottish Play, break a leg,

never stroke a hamster

on a Wednesday, all that.

So, when will you be

doing this musical?

Rehearsals start in a

fortnight if I get it.

Cross everything. So

you'll be leaving?

Oh. Oh, Alan. Oh,

God, I didn't think.

CROWD CHANTING: Shoe

Army! Shoe Army!

Shoe Army! Shoe Army!

Right, come on. Hold

that line. Push up.

Come on, lads!

CROWD CHEER Hold that

line! Hold that line!

MAN IN CROWD: Who let

her out of the kitchen?

LAUGHTER, CHEERING

AND APPLAUSE

What will I do when you go?

You'll be fine. You're young.

Sometimes you've

got to trust yourself

and just leap into the abyss.

Look at me - I'm an actress,

a bloody good one

and I can't let this

opportunity just pass me by.

I'm not as brave as you.

Brave does as brave should be.

Tu es brava, non?

You do talk in

riddles, Ms Gideon.

MS GIDEON EXCLAIMS

I can't believe it.

Alan's getting off with

that mental teacher.

Are you all right?

Oh, not her as well.

SCOFFING: Mate.

I hope you don't mind,

but I've asked Nigel to

play Walk Like An Egyptian.

Thanks, but I'm

not in the mood.

MS GIDEON SIGHS What

have I told you, Alan?

Mop, mop, mop. Fake it!

Do you think The Bangles know

how to walk like Egyptians?

They live in California.

They wouldn't know a pyramid

if it slapped them in the face.

Come on, let's get

in there and dance.

I really hope you don't

get that part, Ms Gideon.

I hope you gave the

worst audition yet.

I hope you forgot your lines

and walked into scenery.

I hope every word

fell flat. Oh, Alan

SHE SIGHS as if that

could ever happen.

Come on, let's go.

DJ: 'And we've got

a request from Kay

'and our very own

Cleopatra's Canteen Val.

'This is Walk Like An Egyptian.'

SONG: 'Walk Like An Egyptian'

All the old

paintings on the tomb

They do the sand

dance Don't you know?

If they move too quick, oh-whey-oh

They're falling down like a domino

All the bazaar men by the

Nile They got the money on a bet

Gold crocodiles, oh-whey-oh

They snap their teeth

On your cigarette ♪

Come on! Whoa!

Whey-oh, whey-oh

Ooh-whey-oh, whey-oh

Walk like an Egyptian ♪

Oh! Kay!

Walk like an Egyptian ♪

PUPIL: Come on, everybody,

dance! We have to go!

Kay, you picked my

favourite song. I love you!

DJ: Thank God that's over.

And now the slow dance.

I see forever, oh, so clearly ♪

I've got butterflies.

What? Like we talked

about? Yeah, inside me.

I feel fizzy and

fuzzy. Oh, wow!

Our dreams are young

And we both know ♪

You've been practising, too.

Yes. But I'm ready now.

ALAN: 'So, THIS was it.

'Alan, close your eyes

and open that mouth.' Ooh!

HE RETCHES ALL: Ew!

Oh, Alan. LAUGHTER

It's all over my chinos.

'I guess Ms Gideon was right.

'Sometimes a kiss does lead

on to something unexpected.'

No, no, no, no! Finch,

come out, come out!

'We kiss for all

kinds of reasons.

'Sometimes, grown men kiss

when they score a goal,

'which makes me feel

uncomfortable.' No!

Graham, Graham, look, the bird.

CHEERING

And then, sometimes, you

get a big old smacker

Yes! For making

the right decision.

Yes! Oh! You beauty!

HE GROANS, CROWD GROANS

He deserved that.

FAN: Up the Cobblers, Graham!