01x04 - Stud

[bunniefuu]

♪ We fade to grey
Fade to grey... ♪

'Fade To Grey' by Visage

Are you sure it's southbound?
Here, check the fax.

Here.

Adam Dunkirk, 7pm,
outside t'toilets.

When Fourth Division
football players

were being transferred
in the '80s,

football managers liked
to pick somewhere neutral

for them to do the swap,

and sometimes, Switzerland was
just a little bit too far away.

This Watford Gap
Services, it's a dump.

Many footballers' careers
were made and destroyed

under the inane smile of the
Watford Gap Happy Eater logo.

What's he looking at? Birds.

Oh, that blonde by the Cortina?

No, actual birds.
Birds with feathers.

Oh. A pelican escaped
from Twycross Zoo.

Even got a mention in
The Chronicle and Echo.

I must have missed that. Hm.
It was under the horoscope.

You get a £2 book token if
you spot it and get a photo.

£2! Wow.

You know, Alan, one
day, it could be you

being picked up by
men in a car park.

What? I saw you
kick that ball.

It went in the wrong direction,
and it hit that bloke in the face,

but, boy, the power.

Aw! He's got strength.

Aye, we're working on it, eh,
kid? Just gotta get him focused.

Sometimes, all it takes for someone
to fall in love with the game

is a little nudge.

Yeah.

Bloody hell! Sorry, mate.

No money. No wallet.

Poor!

Oh, give him 10p
for a cuppa, Graham.

All right, mate.
It's me, Adam.

Adam?

Yeah, me manager dropped
me off northbound.

I've... I've been waiting there
about half an hour, an hour, like.

Oh, Adam! Well, welcome
to the Cobblers.

Er, jump in
t'back, mate. Yeah.

Oh, you stink of f*gs and booze.

Alan, don't be so bloody
rude! Sorry, Adam.

What are the binoculars for?

Looking at that redhead
with the massive knockers?

No. A pelican. Ignore him.

Up the Cobblers! Yeah.

Christine. Ange?

I've got my begging
bowl out here.

What's your living room
doing tomorrow morning?

What? Well, you know I host
my book club every Tuesday?

Well, the community's
double-booked with a beetle drive,

and we're having our carpets
shampooed - don't ask.

Nigel can make such a mess
when he's had the lads round.

So, I was wondering -

could we use your living
room, just this once?

Well, it's a bit short notice.

Only gonna be a couple of us,
unless you wanna join as well.

Such a giggle.

Do you wanna know
what we're reading?

The b*tch. D'you know it?

Yes, I do.

Hello, could I speak to
the PE teacher, please?

Mr Chapman? Graham Carr.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry
to hear that. Well...

Well, that's... between
you and your ex-wife.

But I'm calling about Alan.

Now, I know when it
comes to football,

he's maybe not shown much
of an interest so far

but... you know, I wonder
if all it might take,

between the two of
us, is a little nudge.

I mean, after all,
football's in his blood.

That is an excellent idea.

Thank you, Mr Chapman.

Bye-bye.

It's just so exciting!

You get a £2 book
voucher if you spot it.

So keep your eyes
peeled, my love.

And if you see it, I'll
split the winnings with you.

Oh, Alan...

Alan. Alan, your name.
It's on the board.

Mm? What board?

This board. You're
on the football team.

Inter-schools.

'The Four Seasons:
Summer' by Vivaldi

It's a wind-up. Remember
Harvest Festival,

when someone put me
forward for May Queen?

Cruel, building me hopes up.

You're actually
on the team sheet.

Charlie's right.
You're in the team.

Oh, come on! Ha!

Where is he? What?

Jeremy Beadle! Beadle's about.

It's no joke, son.
You're in the team.

Training, tomorrow.
Bring your kit.

But tomorrow's drama club.

Drama club? Drama?

Try getting married to a borderline
sociopath if you want drama.

See how you like it then.

I'll stick to football,
mate. It's much safer.

A football isn't gonna hang
on to the axle of your car

and try cosh you with
a dumbbell, is it?

I'm here if you need to talk.

I appreciate that.

Oh, my God.

'There it was, not
in blood, but worse -

'black felt-tip pen.'

- Come on!
- Push up, push up.

- Show for it, Dennis. Go on!
- Jesus.

Go on, yes, finish it!

All the way, son. All
the way, all the way.

Come on! Oh!

What do you reckon, Graham?
Hat-trick on Saturday?

Oh, let's hope so. Right,
lads! Hit the bath.

Adam? Well played, son.

I'm gasping. There's
some water over there.

Water? I'm on about a beer.

Do you fancy a night out, show
me the sights of Northampton?

New lad out on the lash?

Gaffer will have your
testicles as earrings, mate.

Get an early night, Adam.
Early night? Are you joking?

I'm as stiff as the
Express Lift Tower.

Well, more totty for me,
then, I suppose, innit?

Is that you, Alan? Yeah.

How was your day,
all right? Yeah.

Any news on that pelican?

Someone said they saw
it down Bridge Street

eating a Pop Tart out the bin.

Really? Yeah...

It can go anywhere in
the world it chooses,

and it comes to Bridge Street?

Silly bird.

'This from a woman who holidays

'in Great Yarmouth every year.'

Mum? Mm-hm?

I'm in the football team.

You're what?

Oh, someone's in a good mood.

Oh, we've just signed a player

that's had one of the best training
sessions I've seen in a long while.

There's something
about him, Chris.

Well, I'll give you
one better than that.

Alan? Tell your dad
what you just told me.

Alan? I'm in the
school football team?

Are you?

Pfft... Well, I never.

What about that, then?
Th-That... That's great.

Why's he put me in
the football team?

Well, they... they have
clearly seen something.

Football, Alan.

You'll learn more on that pitch
than you will in any classroom.

Ah, your bird-watching,
your drama classes...

they're not a patch on the
magic of the beautiful game.

Let's go down the carvery.

What? Yeah. Come on.

Let's celebrate in style.

This is nice.

Isn't it just?

Ah, Graham Carr.

They've been here since
four, bloody nuisance.

Can you sort this out?

'Ey up! Here he is!

All right, boss? What're
you having? What the...?

Oh...

Why's he licking the carpet?

Give us a hand, Chris.

- Oh, come on, lad.
- 'Ey up.

All right. Here we go.

State of it. Here you go. Oh.

Oh, God.

'Maneater' by Hall & Oates

Come on.

Right!

'Ey up.

Get your hand off
my arse. Oh, sorry.

If this is the saviour
of the Cobblers,

then I'm supporting Kettering.

♪ Whoa, here she
comes Here she comes

♪ She's a maneater... ♪

So, not only... are
you giving me wedgies,

throwing my packed
lunch box in the river

and snapping my shatterproof
ruler, you're now doing this.

We didn't. Yeah. It's good
to have you on the team.

What?

I've been looking for someone I
can practise slide tackles on.

You steer clear of my shins,
I bruise like a peach.

Hang on... has he had
his initiation yet?

Initiation? What?

See you later, Alan. Ow.

Ow!

You've forgotten,
haven't you? Sorry?

Someone's had a late
night. Come on, girls.

Stick the kettle on,
would you, Chris?

- Hiya.
- Hello.

Hello. Nice carpet.

Lovely.

I found Fontaine Khaled
incredibly likable.

She's so exotic.

I actually, erm...
identified with her.

Would any of you have liked the sex
scenes to have been more graphic?

No. No, yeah, thought not.

Nor me.

Just checking we all agreed.

But what did we think
of lovable rogue Nico?

One-dimensional.

Men in this book tend
to be pieces of meat

for the women to fawn over,
which I think is a disgrace.

Amen, sister. Amen.

'Addicted To Love'
by Robert Palmer

Where the hell am
I? Morning, Adam.

There's coffee in the
pot. Help yourself.

Where's my jeans?

I took 'em off you last
night. They're in the wash.

Sorry, Ange. Where were we?

♪ You're addicted to love. ♪

Carr. Where do you wanna play?

Anywhere... as long as it's
away from that dog poo.

Building a time machine
and faking me own death

hadn't worked, surprisingly.

So I guess I had to pop
on me pumps, get involved

and deal with the
trench foot afterwards.

Alan said he wants to
play in the back four

but, at a push,
will go up the wing.

Great. Just like his father.

Right! Come on, lads!

Yes!

Right... which bit's
the wing again?

All right. Look after yourself.

- See you.
- Bye, Ange.

Chris, I just wanna
say a big thank you

for letting us use your lounge.

Bye, Ange!

And also, you know... Yeah?

Good for you. Sorry?

Good for you.

Two's company. Three's a party.

I've dabbled. Started
with a couple in Guernsey.

One minute, we were in
a hot tub, the next,

we were playing a clothing-optional
version of Twister.

Oh, I don't know what you're
talking about, Ange, love.

Oh, come off it, Christine.

I've seen that piercing look in
your eyes when you're watching Adam.

Which is why I thought next
week, we could read this.

Jaws? Oh, sorry, my mistake.

The Graduate. Sound
like your sort of thing?

How's your hangover?
Yeah, gone.

Had a few swigs of
Christine's hock this morning,

I feel a million dollars.

Don't make a habit
out of this, son.

As long as I score goals,
it's all that matters, innit?

Well, that can
only last so long.

Look at Georgie Best.
What's he doing now?

He's probably having an ice-cold
beer in the Costa Del Sol

motor-boating fit birds in
bikinis morning, noon and night.

What's your point, Gaffer?

You've got a talent.
Don't waste it.

That's all I'm saying.
Yeah. All right, boss.

I'll make it up
to you. Good man.

Right, I've got a little
stop-off to do on the way home.

Do you wanna come with me?

Yeah, course. Are we
off to the bookie's?

- Switch your game!
- Try defending!

'The Four Seasons:
Summer' by Vivaldi

Run up the wing! All right!

I've got mud on my
boots. Wait there.

Man on. You what?

Man on! Yah!

You nearly had
my leg off! Ref!

The ball's on the other
side of the pitch! Dad?

All right, settle down, lads.

Mr Carr? Pleasure
to have you with us.

Mr Chapman. Nice to
finally meet you.

How are the lads
doing? Well, you know.

Lads? This is Adam.
He's our new signing.

You'll get to see him play
tomorrow against Crewe.

Fourth Division
loser. 'Ey, pipe down.

What did you say, mate? Fourth
Division loser. Are you deaf?

At least you won't be able to
hear the boos tomorrow. Ha!

Don't mess with him,
Adam. He's bad news.

Chuck us that ball,
pal. Nice one.

Just, er, remember
he's 12, yeah?

Right, come on, then. Come on!

Nearly. Nearly had
me then. Try again.

Mm! Not so great.

Tasty, eh?

'The Four Seasons:
Summer' by Vivaldi

Yeah, you might wanna
go and get that, pal.

Off you pop, Leslie.

Great to see you
out there today.

He's got the makings,
don't you reckon, Adam?

Who? Alan?

Yeah, without a doubt.

Why don't you come
back to the house?

Chris'll make you some dinner.

Actually, boss, I've got a
couple of things to do in town.

Oh, right.

But I'll see you back at the
house, though, yeah? OK. Er...

Just... remember
what we spoke about.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely.

Me and Adam popped along
to his training today.

Oh, did you? When's your match?

Tomo... Tomorrow.

Inter-schools against,
er... Who is it?

Another school? Haven't
you got a game tomorrow?

Yeah, we do.

Aye, shame I won't get to see
this one in action, but...

first of many, 'ey, son?

You know, Chapo putting
you in that team's

just the little
nudge that you needed

to set you on the road to being
a proper little footballer.

It's in his blood.

Shall I put Adam's dinner
under a bit of cling?

Nah, he shouldn't be too long.

'And finally tonight, no
news still on the pelican

'that escaped recently
from Twycross Zoo.

'Some reports have
suggested sightings

'in and around Pitsford Reservoir,
although these remain unconfirmed.'

I knew it! Pitsford
Reservoir, of course!

Open water, they love that.

What? The pelican!

Someone thinks they've seen
it down Pitsford Reservoir.

Can we go? No, we cannot.

The car park up there's full
of wrong 'uns after dark.

Gary, what's that?
'Ey up! Yeah...

Don't say owt. It's Adam.

Oh...

Ugh... Speaking of wrong 'uns.

Argh!

Do you think he's
got a drink problem?

Ah, I thought we'd
turned a corner.

And he's got a game tomorrow.

Can I ask you something?

Why do you think that teacher at
Alan's school's put him in the team?

Just seems odd, doesn't it?

Oh...

Oh! Sorry, boss. Wrong room.

You all right? Er, yeah.

Fine. Listen, I'm
sorry about everything.

I really am.

I don't know, I...

I think what it
is... It's late.

We've got a match tomorrow.

Get yourself a decent night's kip,
and we'll talk in the morning.

Yeah. I'm just gonna
get a drink of water.

Touch my Blue Nun,
and you're out.

Well, he is.

Why are you still up?

Just thinking.

Oh, right?

About the, er...

About the game tomorrow?

Er... yeah?

- You looking forward to it?
- Yeah?

Your dad's excited about it.

Oh, I know.

Did your dad want you
to be a footballer?

I didn't know me dad.

And me stepdad,
that's another story.

He'd drink, and I'd just... stay
out of his way down the park.

That's when I got
good at football.

Are you looking
forward to your match?

No. What?

I've had enough, mate, I have.

Of football? But
you're really good!

Yeah, but I hate it. What?

That's why I drink.

It's the only time I ever
get any peace up here,

you know, when I'm
smashed out me skull.

Sometimes, I just... wanna
escape, you know what I mean?

I didn't know you
felt like this.

We're so similar.

You reckon?

How about we watch an
episode of the Golden Girls?

No, we're not that similar.

Night-night, mate.

- '- Charming.
- Thank you for being a friend'

'Fade To Grey' by Visage

Anybody seen Adam? No. No?

Paddy. Adam? I've
not seen him, boss.

♪ We fade to grey... ♪

Here, Alan. Want a
little bit of drink?

I know that's wee. I
wasn't born yesterday.

Can you stop being so paranoid?

Is it any wonder I'm paranoid?

Something's not right. Why am
I in the team when I'm crap?

Oh, being the son of Graham Carr

wouldn't have anything
to do with it, would it?

What? Come on, let's
get this over with.

Hey, Chapo, why is
Alan on the team?

Well, football's in
the lad's blood...

somewhere.

Did my dad tell you that?

What?! I don't know what
you're talking about, mate.

Get on.

'Ah, the penny had dropped.

'It was a trap!'

What's that? What?

'It was MY time
to escape.' Hey!

What are you doing?

Getting myself a
£2 book voucher!

Hey, shut up!

Hey, gormless, give
me some of that drink.

♪ Crack that whip! ♪

'If I'm honest, I've
been unhappy for a while.

'I'm sorry to let you down,

'and I appreciate everything
you've done for me.

'Maybe a catch-up
for a pint sometime.

'Nah, only joking - I'm
chucking the booze in as well,

'so you can tell Christine
her Blue Nun's safe.

' 'Ey up, keep an
eye on your Alan.

'He's a good lad, even if he
ain't much cop at footie.'

Have YOU seen Adam?

Aren't you supposed to
be at the inter-schools?

Why didn't you go?

Just didn't feel right.

Don't know why Chapo wanted
me on the team, anyway.

Why not?

Oh, football's in
your... In my blood?

You know, football isn't
just about kicking a ball.

It's more than that.

Now, when I was in a team...
I instantly had ten mates.

Ten lads that I could
trust and rely on.

Ten lads that...

..that had me back.

I want you to have that.

Any sign of your pelican?

Nah. It's probably
gone to Africa.

Right. Come on, let's go home.

This place brings out the
worst in people after dark.

'Sunglasses At
Night' by Corey Hart

Why are they flashing
their lights at us?

Ignore them, son.

Hello there.

Christ, it's Graham. Ooh!

No.

'They weren't looking
for a pelican.'

Bloody perverts!

Still got it.

♪ I wear my sunglasses at night

♪ So I can, so I can

♪ Forget my name While
you collect your claim

♪ And I wear my
sunglasses at night

♪ So I can, so I can

♪ See the light that's
right Before my eyes... ♪