01x07 - Day 226

[bunniefuu]

[discordant piano chords]

Whoo! Let's pregame.

Uh, no "whoo" for me. I have no time.

Everyone is so busy.

Ellis is getting ready for the party,

Pradeep is setting up

Halloween for his kids

So I'm the last one you called?

Last and best. Obviously.

I have to finish work

and an episode of "Selling Sunset"

before the party tonight.

I haven't even started

thinking about a costume.

What's the theme again?

- Universal classic monsters.

- [groans]

Ellis!

Why do we have to do a big,

complicated Halloween this year?

Complicated? It's classic costumes!

Plus, you and Garret are the masters

- of quarantine crafting.

- [laughs] Not anymore.

It has been seven months,

and we are burnt out.

Do you know what we had

for dinner last night?

Stew.

Not a carbonnade a la flamande,

not a niçoise soup, stew.

I don't think we have a fancy Halloween

- in us this year.

- I mean

do you have to watch an

episode of "Selling Sunset"?

Uh, yeah, I do.

Garret and I were watching together,

but then he asked if he

could watch one without me,

and I said, "Yeah, sure, I'll catch up,"

but then I watched one

without him, and then

- Michelle.

- I know!

We're stuck in this catching up loop,

but that show is like an ill*gal drug.

I know it's bad for me,

but I just can't stop.

I am so tired.

- [doorbell rings]

- Who's that?

Oh that's the other

reason I'm drinking.

You know how my internet is the worst?

Annie, I told you to get Verizon 5G.

It is what we've been waiting for.

No, I actually have

Verizon 5G, thank you,

but this is for my home internet.

I asked them to fix it,

and they sent a person.

This is the first human

to step into my apartment in months.

I mean, what if they're

not wearing a mask?

What if their mask is down here?

[whispering] Oh I

can hear them breathing.

Hello? Anyone home?

Ooh

Cable guy. Permission to breach?

- Yes, please.

- Yes.

[curious music]

Are you drinking hand sanitizer?

Oh, no, I distilled it back to mead.

But you're using the same bottles?

Yeah, 'cause I'm not a monster, Ben.

- Save the Earth.

- Whatever. I'm calling about Annie.

Oh, so you finally

believe what I said

about her liking you?

Honestly, I don't even believe

that's not hand sanitizer.

But I gotta at least sh**t my shot,

and this party is the

perfect time to do it.

- I'll just pull her aside

- Problem.

It's a virtual party.

There is no "aside" or "pulling."

Solution. I asked Ellis

to use the breakout room,

and she was covered in cobwebs,

but I'm pretty sure she said, "Yes."

She might've been swearing in Yiddish.

Either way, once I get Annie in there,

I'ma put on that Boyz

II Men voice and say

[deep voice] That I've been thinking

about her lately.

That I wanna know how she's doing.

You know, maybe sliding

some compliments like,

"Hey, Rufus.

I been meaning to say you

look good in them glasses."

Not to diminish the power

of your Michael McCary impression,

because I did just feel something,

but a virtual party? Not a real party.

And Annie is not the kind of shallow

micro-influencer you're

used to hitting on.

This is not what I need to hear!

I'm nervous! I need a plan! I mean

What if I waited too long already?

Also, Paz was a mid-range influencer.

Have you considered

writing her a letter

about your feelings?

Do I look like Zora Neale Hurston?

Every woman I have

written a love letter to

has kissed me at least once.

In fact, I'm writing a

letter to a woman right now.

22 pages. Double-sided.

This is what romance looks like, Ben.

Yeah, there's definitely

some sanitizer left in that bottle.

I am starting to taste it, yeah.

- Zach! Hi!

- What?

When you told me that

you were decorating,

I thought, like, maybe

one jack-o-lantern,

but this looks like Marilyn

Manson's laundry room.

Excuse me, in this

house, we are feminists,

and we make Jill-o-lanterns.

Oh, wait. Check this out.

[ghoulish scream]

Meet Zom-Bea-Arthur.

Okay, this all seems

like a lot of actual work

for a virtual party.

I do love the COVID bats, though.

I'm my friend group's Halloween czar.

Every year, they come over,

we coordinate costumes,

play games, sing karaoke

when we drink too much,

and I will be queen of the damned

if I let a little pandemic

mess with our tradition.

I even sent everyone decorations

so we all look like

we're at the same party

for our group photo.

Ooh, you're basically a saint.

Basically Mother Trans -resa.

What are you doing tonight?

Uh, probably just

watching "Hocus Pocus"

while eating a whole bag

of gummi bears by myself

'cause I'm a grown

man, and I'm worth it.

What? But you love

going out on Halloween.

Yeah, going out,

where people aren't just

seeing me from the nips up.

I mean, I get that

that's how it's gotta be,

- but I'm trans and I

- Wait, you're trans?

Surprise!

I care about my presentation.

And every day, I groom myself,

I put on my binder, I feel good!

And then I pop into a work chat

with cis people in sweatpants

who basically rolled out of bed,

looked in the mirror and was like

"This is fine."

Oh, come on, not all

cis people are like that.

Mine have actually

been really supportive

during this tough time. They get me.

And at least you're being seen.

I mean, think about how I feel.

I put on hair and

makeup to go deliver food

to people who cannot and should not

even open the door.

But tonight is different.

It's Halloween!

[exaggerated] The most wonderful time

of the year!

[speaking normally]

And, like, the one time

since March that literally everyone

has a reason to dress up.

Tonight, no one is calling it in.

Well, actually,

everyone's calling it in,

but you know what I'm saying.

I have been waiting for this night

for a year! And nothing!

Not even Zom-Bea-Arthur

is gonna keep me

from living my nips-up vampire fantasy!

[dramatic piano chords]

- Pradeep.

- Annie!

- [voices chattering]

- I told you, I can't drink.

I'm too busy decorating

for home quaran-treating

with the kids!

I need a drink right now.

Richie just asked me to

prepare different characters

for when I "answer the door."

I should have never

married a theater minor.

- Pradeep, it's the cable guy.

- What?

Was he not wearing a mask?

Was his nose uncovered?

No, he was hot and funny,

and he asked me out on a virtual date.

Did you just call me to brag?

No, I called you to

panic! I said, "Yes"!

And I blanked on Ellis'

Halloween party tonight!

Because cute boy wear mask good.

Well, why don't you

just "Doubtfire" it?

Yeah, uh, pull up the date

chat and the party chat

on the same computer and go between 'em.

It's easy.

You know, the software is built

for switching from meeting to meeting.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Wow

this is, like, an actual

benefit of quarantine.

Hey, and I will text you with updates

- so you don't miss anything important.

- Amazing.

I need a second costume

too. "Phantom of the Opera."

Lot of mask, not a lot of sexy.

Man, "Doubtfire"-ing is hard.

[laughs] Yeah. He

gets caught in the movie.

Wait, he does? Why

am I doing this, then?

Okay, bye!

I have to go make my

children's eyes magical!

[haunting piano chords]

Hello?

Yes! Sing, my angel of group chat!

[as Dracula] I vant

to suck your blood.

Wrong character, but

I dig your enthusiasm.

- Good evening!

- Rufus, where's your costume?

- I'm in costume. I'm modern

-day Frankenstein.

Then where are your neck bolts?

Okay, Frankenstein was the doctor,

not the monster.

I even messed up my hair a little bit

to make it look more mad scientist-y.

I'm a lab right now!

- Hey, hey!

- Hi!

What, no one's wearing costumes?

Is everyone Rufus-ing?

I thought Rufus-ing was when

your nose bleeds during sex.

- Okay.

- I'm the Invisible Man.

Just at the beginning

when he was visible.

Yeah, and I haven't

shaved my legs in a while,

so I'm going as the Wolfman.

Yeah, I'm growing

out my beard, so I'm

- I'm Wolfman too.

- Oh, my God.

From womb to tomb.

Must you always copy me?

- Hi.

- Oh, finally.

- Someone in an actual costume.

- No.

This is just what happens

when two sugar-high children

find your toilet paper stash

and wanna turn daddy into a mummy.

Well, at least toddlers understand

how Halloween works.

Look, no one's in costume.

Fine, whatever.

We're here celebrating

Halloween together,

and what better way to commemorate that

than with our annual group photo?

Sorry, sorry, before we do that,

I've been drinking hard seltzer all day.

I gotta hit the coffin.

You're the Phantom, not Dracula,

and go, you got two

minutes. I'm timing you.

[computer chirps]

[lightning crashes]

Come on, that at least

deserved an "ooh."

All: Ooh

[jaunty piano chords]

♪

Hi! Sorry I'm late.

Hey, hey, no, it's okay.

I only just started to think

you were standing me up.

Oh, no, can you ever forgive me?

I don't know

normally, I wouldn't,

but for a sexy cat

[chuckles] I promise I'm not normally

late for things

well, okay, I am, but

not important things.

Is this important?

Yes is that weird?

No, no, I I think

it's important too.

So if it is, we can

just be weird together.

You look great.

Thanks.

I know, sexy cat is

what every girl wears

when she forgets to plan a costume

and remembers she has

cat ears in her closet,

but it's my truth.

Well, not to blow my own spot,

but Han Solo is literally

the male equivalent

of sexy cat, so

- It is?

- Yeah.

It's simple, you probably have it

in your closet, and come on,

everyone looks good in a vest, right?

I mean, just because you do

[phone chimes]

Uh, Annie?

Annie, are you still there?

Sorry, my internet is being weird.

Really? It was great when I left.

Yes, right.

That is what you came here to fix.

It's actually it's my laptop.

Let me reboot it and I'll be right back.

♪

Ben, Garret, focus.

Every year, he rises

from the pumpkin patch

he thinks is the most sincere.

- Al Roker.

- Ed Sheeran.

- The Great Pumpkin!

- Correct!

But that was way more than two minutes.

I had to reboot my computer.

I thought you said you

had to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, that's what I call it.

Hooray! Point for us. Your turn.

Where's Pradeep?

"Visage ate too many sour candies

"and puked all over her Elsa wig.

I have to go help Richie clean up."

Says he likes the rainbow

tint it gives the room, though.

Garret, can you

please wake up your wife?

Are you watching something?!

Hmm?

Are you watching "Selling Sunset"?

- I need to catch up!

- No, I need to catch up!

Are you sure? What

episode are you on?

Have you gotten to Mary

and Romain's wedding yet?

Mary and Romain actually get married?

Son of a

How is that a spoiler?!

They're such a weird couple!

I figured something would go wrong.

Uh, okay, guys. Uh, BRB.

[phone chimes]

Um, one second.

What is happening?!

Well! That wig is ruined.

Also, I have a lot of

questions about the food dyes

we're putting into

our children's bodies.

[groans] Too bad.

Richie spent forever styling that thing.

Oh, did he?

Did Richie spend forever

putting a look together

only to have it go to waste?

That is too bad.

[dramatic piano sting]

Hey. What's up?

Oh, uh, nothing. I've just

[in deep voice] been

thinking about you lately.

And wanted to see how you're doing.

Uh I think my internet

is still messed up.

You sounded insane.

[clears throat] Sorry.

I was just saying

I've been thinking about you lately,

and I wanted to see how you're doing.

Oh. I'm doing good.

Thank you for asking.

Your hair looks

great, by the way. I

That pink really brings out your

brown eyes.

Thanks. It's

it's been pink a while.

Yeah, well, it

Still looks good.

I'm sorry we haven't

been talking much lately.

I feel like things have been crazy.

- It's okay. You know, if you

- [phone chimes]

If you don't mind,

I would I would

Love to talk more often.

Definitely. Reboot.

What?

Yes. Talking.

- I love talking.

- Great!

[phone chimes]

Sorry, I gotta go.

I'll see you back at the party, okay?

Great.

[in deep voice] Guess I'll

talk to you later, girl.

[speaking normally] I do sound insane.

[haunting piano music]

So I'm the only one who cares

about Halloween anymore or what?

- No!

- This is fun.

Come on, you guys.

You're acting like it's J.lo's

Oscar nomination party in here.

- Ben, where's Annie at?

- I honestly have no idea.

Michelle, Garret, y'all okay?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, couldn't be better.

All right, I don't believe you,

but if we can all just stay

in one place long enough

for Annie to get back so

we can get that group photo,

that would be amazing.

All right, besties!

Time to get this party back on track!

Who is drunk enough for karaoke?

I know I am!

Whaa ♪

"Paddington 2"?

Well, you asked for hidden

gem movie recommendations!

People are sleeping on "Paddington 2."

Oh, no, I've seen it.

I mean, it's basically a perfect film.

Then why are you making fun of me?

Because it's an

incredibly uncool movie

to bring up on a first date.

What, so you'd rather be with a guy

who brings up "Audition"

or "Memories of m*rder" or whatever?

No, I wanna be with

a guy that brings up

- "Paddington 2," really.

- [phone chimes]

Oh. Oh oh!

I think I have something at the door.

Y-you think? But

[phone chimes]

Please hold. I

just I I gotta put

I gotta pop out real quick.

I'll just, uh

I'll be BRB. Yeah.

No. No, no, no. Mute, not merge!

Ah!

Mute, not merge!

Annie! You're ruining my Garth-mena!

And why are you a sexy cat?

Uh. hello?

Mute, not merge!

Who is this guy?

Annie, what what

What's going on?

- Wait, you know him?

- Oh, n-n-no!

This must be one of those video

chat bombs I've heard about.

Interloper!

Okay, I'm just

I'm just gonna go.

No, wait, Cameron, don't.

I can explain to all of you.

My friends are having a

virtual Halloween party tonight,

and when you asked me out,

I didn't want to say, "No,"

so I've been switching back and forth.

You've been

what?!

Yeah, I figured something was up

when it took you 25 minutes

to reboot your computer.

Yeah, I was trying to switch back,

but I hit merge, not mute.

I'm sorry. I'm a bad liar.

No, that's

That's a good quality.

Guys, this is Cameron.

We're on a date tonight.

- At least, we were.

- I'd say we still are.

So things are going well?

They're going interesting.

Uh, but yeah, I'm into it.

Into Annie.

I know it's a little quick

to say something like that,

but I always feel that

if you're into something,

you should go after it right away.

That's so sweet.

So Cameron, tell us about yourself.

Age and blood type. Go.

Sorry, they're a lot.

Uh, my name is Cameron.

Uh my day job is cable guy,

but I also host a Clippers

basketball podcast.

Really? What's it called?

"Slam Dunk with Cam Funk."

- Never heard of it.

- What Ben

What are you talking about?

He's Cam Funk!

- We love your podcast!

- Not ringing a bell.

I bought you a Cam Funk

t-shirt for Christmas!

You said you wished it was a pillowcase!

Well, it is if you

put a pillow in it.

Oh, you're that Cam Funk.

Hey, you know how you

said the Clippers lost

in the playoffs because

Kawhi and Paul George

did have enough time to gel?

Yeah, I I think the pandemic

- just messed up their chemistry.

- I agree, Cam Funk!

I think they could've

been a great couple

who found lasting success

if an outside force

hadn't came along and

Cam Funk'd everything up!

Enough!

I have had enough!

Is this party ever gonna happen?

Because it seems like

every time it starts,

something interrupts it.

A fight or a secret date

or a child's sugar OD.

Have all of you lost

the Halloween spirit?

There's no costumes, no participation,

and I was gonna let this go,

but how did not one of you

put up the decorations I sent?!

I mean, I literally bought

and mailed them to you!

And I know everyone's busy

and stressed right now

I'm busy and

stressed right now

But gourd-damn it, would it k*ll you

to put in a little effort?!

I thought you said what was important

was being together.

Yeah! Together.

Not checked out.

Not hopping in and out of the group chat

like Scooby-Doo in a hallway of doors!

No, no, no, no.

I can't even get you all together

in one place for a simple group photo,

which is now a moot point anyway

because Annie is a sexy cat,

and she brought along some rando

who looks like Ethan Hawke

at the end of "Daybreakers"!

I'm Han Solo, actually.

Sorry, I can leave.

No, Cam Funk. This

is not your funky fault.

I love your podcast.

I've never been so hurt

and starstruck at the same time,

which is honestly very confusing for me,

but as for the rest of you!

I must have found

Halloween's old tweets,

because this party is canceled!

Ugh!

[computer chimes] [lightning crashes]

[Zom-Bea-Arthur screams]

I can't right now Bea.

[light piano music]

Morning. Anyone else feel

terrible about last night?

- Yep.

- Uh, ya think?

- I feel like a jerk.

- Real bad. Real bad, yeah.

I think Ellis is mad.

I texted her earlier;

she left me on "sent."

She's not talking to me, either.

I know how much this party meant to her,

which should have made

it mean more to us.

Well, what do we do?

You know, she's always there for us,

and last night, we were

literally not there for her.

[computer chirps]

All: Hey! [overlapping chatter]

- Hey, gorgeous!

- You look great!

- You wear a hangover well.

- Oh, shut up.

I know I look good.

That's not the point.

I'm trying to show you

guys what I look like

when I put as much

effort into my appearance

as you all did last night so

you can see how much effort

I actually put in all the time.

I know you guys aren't trans.

I know you don't think

about what you look like

the same way I do,

but if I could do hair

and makeup every day

to go on a video call or deliver food,

the least you could

do is throw on a mask

or some face paint for

our Halloween party.

Ellis, you don't have to

do all that stuff for us.

You are beautiful no matter what!

Michelle, that is

very nice, and very cis,

but I am not doing this for you.

I know I look good

without a wig and mascara.

I've been rocking this look

at protests all summer long.

But those are the things that actually

make me feel like myself.

I mean, that's the reason why Halloween

was always my favorite

holiday growing up.

It's, like, one of the few nights

every year that Janice's boyfriend

could get away from his

wife, and she'd be so happy

she didn't even notice

what I was wearing.

I could be Jessica Rabbit

or Xena the Warrior Princess

or hell, Mrs. Potato Head,

whatever woman I wanted to be.

And now that I actually

am the woman I wanna be,

Halloween is special

for a different reason.

'Cause it's a night I get to spend

with my chosen family.

Maybe it was just a party to you guys,

but this year, I really needed it.

It's November already!

Quarantine was supposed to be two weeks!

I am tired of putting my life on hold.

I just wanted one good

memory from this year.

One Halloween group photo I

could put up with the others

to remind myself that

we didn't just let 2020

slip through our fingers.

I lost 26 years of my

life being in the closet.

I'm not gonna lose another one.

Ellis, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have

"Doubtfired" your party.

Annie, it's 2020.

We call it "Hannah Montana"-ing now.

Ah! That's my bad.

I keep forgetting.

I think we're all sorry, Ellis,

and I'm sorry to you too, Michelle.

I never should have watched

"Selling Sunset" without you.

No, I shouldn't have watched

"Selling Sunset" without you.

Can we just keep

this about me? Please?

- Yes, absolutely.

- Yes, 100%.

Ellis, how can we make it up to you?

Do you want to do

virtual Friendsgiving?

What about the eight

virtual nights of Hanukkah?

Yes and yes!

But I am not planning either

of those two things, you ingrates!

I will, however, plan our

next year's Halloween costumes.

Do you think BTS will still be popular?

Or actually, more importantly,

you think we'll still be alive?

- Yes and yes!

- Well, remains to be seen.

- Maybe.

- You know I'll be alive.

Not if you catch COVID.

[laughter]

[uplifting music]

Okay, Rufus.

Or should I say, "Dr. Frankenstein"?

No, no, no, I'm Rufus now.

Oh, really? I couldn't

tell the difference.

That's exactly the point.

That's what "Frankenstein's" all about.

Who's the monster? Is

it the reanimated man?

- Or the doctor who made him?

- Are you calling for a reason?

Or are you just Rufus-ing?

Now, that is how you

use Rufus-ing properly.

Thank you.

Uh, no, I I've just been

thinking about you lately,

and wanted to see how you're doing.

I'm fine.

Managed to get some space

from my complete and

utter disappointment,

and as much as my feelings were hurt,

I know you guys didn't mean to do it.

We really didn't.

And in my defense, I never dress up.

- I

- No, I get it.

I went out and did my

deliveries like this today,

and it is so freeing

to not care at all what you look like.

Okay, well, I do I

do I care a little

about what I look like.

Well, I care a lot.

I just miss living in a world

where that actually matters.

Okay, I'm not doing

what Michelle did earlier

and saying that you

look good no matter what,

but I am thinking it against my will.

Well.

Thank you.

You've done your cisgender

good deed for the day.

Actually, now I have done

my cisgender good deed for the day.

Wha oh, my God! Rufus!

It looks just like the Kardashian/Jenner

holiday photo! I love it!

I just thought it would be a tragedy

not to have photographic evidence

of how incredible and

incredibly film-accurate

you looked in your

"Dracula's Daughter" costume.

- Thank you!

- I mean, wow!

Can you believe you

are the first person

to actually compliment me on my costume?

I cannot. You looked amazing.

I worked so hard on it. Ugh!

Well, I know it's a day late, but

Happy Halloween, Ellis.

[sentimental music]

Happy Halloween, Rufus.

♪