01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

[discordant piano notes]

‐ Coronavirus crisis
explodes across the nation.

‐ Stay home and save lives.

‐ In Los Angeles,
officials managing

the emergency response
say the power to beat COVID‐19

lies with every American.

‐ President Trump wants
to reopen the country

by Easter Sunday.

[piano intensifies]

[The Band's "The Weight"]

♪ ♪

‐ ♪ I pulled into Nazareth ♪

♪ Was feeling
'bout half past dead ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I just need some place ♪

♪ Where I can lay my head ♪

‐ Hello?

Annie? ‐ Ben!

Hi! Wait, it's not 8:30 yet.

‐ You said 8:15.

‐ No, I 100% said 8:30.

‐ You did? [laughs]

That's it.

My mind is broken.

‐ No, it's okay,
your mind's not broken.

‐ I put my running shoes
on this morning

before I hopped in the shower.

‐ Oh, yeah, maybe your mind
is a little broken.

‐ It's broken.

All these stores are closed.

I can't even go get it fixed.

‐ Well, since I have you here,

I wanted to run something...
‐ Wait.

‐ By you.
‐ Then why are you here?

‐ Honestly, I keep this on
for company sometimes.

‐ You keep a live video chat on
for c‐‐why?

In case the FBI gets bored?

‐ It's like an aquarium!

‐ In what sense?

‐ In that it's rectangular,

you know, and maybe one of you
will swim by, bloop bloop.

‐ That's the saddest thing
I've ever heard in my life.

‐ Ben, it's 2020.

What, are you trying to jinx us?

‐ Last night, I fell asleep
playing solitaire.

‐ Last night,
I put on Lana Del Rey

and slow‐danced with myself.

‐ Sometimes I prop up
my jiu‐jitsu grappling dummy,

put him in a chair,

and have lunch with him.

‐ Sometimes, I stuff pillows

in one of my jumpsuits
and take a nap with it.

‐ Wait, these are fake, right?

These are fake or real?
‐ No, all of mine are real.

'Cause I'm real.

‐ ♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

‐ How's Jazmin?

‐ Probably gonna say "bad."

‐ Yeah, I was gonna say,
"Not good."

‐ Are you drinking
butterscotch schnapps

straight out the bottle?

‐ Oh, this is
butterscotch peach.

‐ How are you?

‐ Oh, I've been better.

Lot of me time, you know?

‐ Oh, I do.

‐ I just wish I had
a roommate or something.

‐ About that, I‐‐
‐ What are you listening to?

‐ Oh, The Band.
‐ Yeah, which one?

‐ No, that's the name
of the band.

‐ Seems kind of lazy, but okay.

‐ I don't know, old music,
old movies, old TV shows.

It's kind of the only thing
soothing the anxiety.

Also, I'm rewatching "Cheers"
from the beginning.

‐ "Cheers"!
That's what your background is!

‐ Sam Malone, represent!

‐ Sam Malone did not
wear an apron!

‐ [as Sam Malone] Carla.

Get Norm here a beer
before he drives home!

‐ I'ma call mayday

on that Mayday Malone
impression.

‐ I almost didn't do it.

But you have to live life
on the edge.

Plus, I'm more of a Carla,
anyway.

‐ Oh, come on,
you're definitely Diane.

‐ You think so? ‐ Hell yeah.

I always thought Sam
should've moved in

a little faster on her.
‐ I agree!

Anyway, how you holding up
with the whole...

‐ The whole "Paz dumping me

before a global pandemic" thing?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Yeah, not great,
if I'm being honest.

Kind of a weird time
to be super extra alone.

‐ Yeah, I feel you.

‐ You know what
I was thinking about today?

‐ Global human extinction,
buying me an aquarium...

‐ Chicago.

‐ Aw, Chicago. ‐ Remember?

‐ Of course, I remember!

That was such a good time!
‐ That was such a weird day.

‐ Uh... why was it a weird day?
‐ I‐‐I don't know!

I was there visiting
my dumb friend

who flaked on me.

You were on that crazy
ten‐hour layover

on the way to see your dad...

‐ What's crazy
about saving $1,000?

‐ Nothing!
I'm just saying it's weird

we both ended up there
separately

with a whole day to k*ll,

walking around a city
neither of us are from.

‐ The pretzel vendor
who thought we were newlyweds.

‐ The guy that scammed us
for 20 bucks,

said his wife was
"in the hospital"

and he "needed to get there."

‐ We don't know
that he scammed us.

What if it was real?

‐ Right.
I mean, it totally wasn't.

‐ But what if it was?
What's worse?

‐ Right. It was a good scam.

‐ It's probably karma
for the free pretzel.

What made you think about that?

‐ I don't know.
Just popped in my head.

‐ Well, speaking...

of things popping into heads,

I kind of have a crazy‐‐
Pradeep!

‐ Shh! Shh! Shh!

Shut up! They'll hear you!

‐ Is someone in your house?

‐ [screams]

kids: We found you,
we found you!

You're stupid, Daddy P!
‐ [laughs]

Okay! I'm stupid.

Ya found me!

Now go find Daddy R now, okay?

[laughs] I'm gonna hide again.

Now, remember, I never hide
in the same place twice.

So don't come here!

[laughs] Go get Daddy R!

Go get him!

‐ Where's Daddy R hiding?
‐ In the trunk of the car.

He's got a book,
that son of a b*tch.

‐ How are you doing, Pradeep?

‐ Well, I've been better.

[laughing]
I think I hate my kids!

‐ Nah, you love your kids.

You've got great kids!

‐ Oh, I used to think that, too,

because until recently,

I didn't spend
all my time with them!

Richie's the home parent,
and Richie knows what's what.

He's been worried about our kids

being jerks for a while,
and I'd be like,

"No, they're not,"
'cause honestly?

Most of the time when I'm home,
they're asleep.

But now I've got
the full picture.

And I don't like who they are.

[whispering]
They're not nice people.

‐ You love them!
You're just sick of them.

It's a cabin fever thing.

‐ Sure.

Ellis!

‐ Hello. ‐ Ellis!

‐ You okay over there?

‐ I've been better.

Is Jazmin really gonna join?
I'm worried about her.

‐ I know. We all are.

She's been M. I. A.
Since this whole thing started,

so when she replied
to the group chat tonight

that she was
actually gonna join,

I was kind of, like, relieved
but also nervous, you know?

‐ I'm worried about you, Ellis.

You seem a little off.

You wanna talk? ‐ I don't know.

It's stupid.

[groans]

I know there are real problems
in the world.

‐ Hey, no,
the world is on fire right now.

Every problem
is a valid problem.

‐ It just, um...

You know, it slammed
into me today.

The NBA is not coming back
this year!

‐ Oh, my God‐‐ ‐ Oh.

‐ I said I know
there are bigger problems!

‐ Every problem‐‐
every problem is bigger!

‐ You are not a Clippers fan,
Ben.

You don't understand.

‐ You're right,
I don't understand!

‐ They have been my team
for 15 years, all right?

Ever since I moved here.

15 years of brutal, relentless,

humiliating disappointment.

‐ Weren't the Lakers
ahead of the Clippers?

‐ Oh, it was still
the regular season.

You think Kawhi is gonna go
full‐out before the playoffs?

That is not his way, Annie!

That is not his way!

‐ Come on, it's just one year,

and then they'll be back
to their ba*ls.

‐ And it's not just
the Clippers.

All right,
I need sports in my life.

I think my brain is always
thinking about sports

in the background in a way
that's actually

very therapeutic for me,

and now that I don't have
any of them,

all that extra brain space
has just diverted back

into anxiety and neurosis.

‐ What about those marble races
on YouTube?

‐ Rigged.

Blue Swirly wins way too often.

I can't invest.

‐ Guys, I miss
our Sunday dinners.

I just need
to feel like an adult

for, like, five seconds, please?

‐ You wanna feel like an adult?

How about paying me
that 20 bucks you owe me?

‐ Will you relax
with the 20 bucks, Ellis?

I will get you the 20 bucks!

It‐‐it's just that Richie
handles the Venmo,

and I haven't asked him yet.

‐ I think
you're still too scared

to tell him you lost at poker.
‐ No!

I don't even like poker!

I just do it
for the socializing.

‐ The game is virtual,
but your debts are not.

All: Garret! ‐ Hi, everybody.

Did we miss Jazmin?

I have been having
some crazy stress dreams

about her and Greg.

He told me that she moved
to another part of the house.

That's insane.
‐ She hasn't joined yet.

You're good. ‐ Okay. Great.

Uh, I gotta go.
Michelle is getting out

of her sound bath,
and I have to shock the noodles

in cold water,
or the whole dinner is ruined.

I'll be back in a bit, okay?
‐ What does that mean?

What are you making?
Can I have some?

[phone ringing]

‐ Oh... hold up. Uh...

actually, I'm gonna take this.
I'll be right back.

‐ Ben, Ben, Ben! Be‐‐

Annie, did you ask him?

‐ Not yet. ‐ Wait, ask him what?

‐ Annie gave Ben
an earlier start time

so she could ask him
to move in with her.

‐ What? Annie!

We're supposed
to be social distancing!

What are you, our parents? ‐ Oh!

[laughing] I think it's fine.

Kids: Found you again!
‐ Ah! I'm not here!

Go look for spiders
in the attic!

Ben is incapable of being alone.

If we wait too long,
he's gonna end up marrying

a Postmates driver.

‐ Yeah, but asking him
to move in with you

is your opening move?

‐ It's not some stranger,
Ellis, it's Ben!

We've been friends
for four years,

and we‐‐and we've always
had this thing.

We just... we've never been
single at the same time, so...

what if we just move in,
and then we see what happens?

‐ I support you?

I guess, is what I'm doing?
‐ Thank you.

‐ It just seems like
a very intense way

to start a relationship. ‐ So?

It's intense!

[laughing] I love it.

I think it's great.

‐ He was with Paz
for way too long.

‐ Way too long.
‐ You know, that b*tch

never asked me
a single question about myself?

Two years together
and not a single question?

All right, she is selfish.
She's boring!

I never got the allure.

‐ She is qualitatively hot.

‐ Ugh. ‐ No!

‐ No, that's
not what we're doing.

‐ One, no she's not.
Two, it wears off.

‐ Nuh‐uh‐uh‐uh‐uh.
She is vapid hot.

That doesn't fade.

‐ So what happened, Annie?
You chicken out?

‐ No, we just got caught up
talking about schnapps

and Jazmin and Chicago,
and then Pradeep logged on.

‐ I'm sorry!
How long does it take to say,

"Ben, will you move in with me?"

There you go.
‐ Maybe it's a sign.

Maybe it's fate
that I just shouldn't do this.

‐ No, no, no, no, no, no.
You are doing this.

Annie, this is
the most interesting thing

in my life right now!

Do you want us to log off

so you can ask him? ‐ No!

No, no, no. That'll be weird.

No. I'll just do it at‐‐

♪ The first Noel ♪

♪ The angels did scream ♪

Hey, Ben.

I'm just singing "First Noel"
to everyone.

‐ I don't think
that's how that goes, though.

‐ That was Paz.

She wants to move back in
with me.

Oh! I think you guys are frozen.

Oh, never mind. You're back.

[piano notes]

[piano notes]

‐ Wait.

Paz wants to move back in
with you

in the middle of a pandemic.

‐ I mean, it'd be nice
to have someone around.

‐ Totally! Someone for sure.

Like maybe, um...

and this is just, like,
off the top of my head here...

‐ So‐so‐so, like, have you guys
been, uh, talking, or, uh...

‐ I mean, a little.

I've been pretty lonely, and...
you know.

She's had some time
to think recently.

‐ Oh, has she?
Has she had some time?

‐ Yeah, she thinks maybe...

breaking up was a mistake.

‐ That's what she said?
She said "maybe"?

‐ Yeah.

She called and said that maybe

she should move back in.

Look, I know we weren't
perfect together, but...

going through all of this alone
isn't exactly...

I mean, I don't know.
Maybe I can't wait on perfect.

What do you guys think?

‐ I mean, what we think
is kind of secondary‐‐

[laughs] I don't know, Ben,
this is your life.

What does your sense of dignity

and self‐respect tell you to do?

‐ Honestly, where the world
is at right now,

I'm‐‐I'm kinda leaning towards‐‐

‐ Ah‐ah‐ah‐ah‐ah‐ah‐ah.

I will say this.

I feel like a lot of people
are making

poor decisions right now.

‐ 100%.

I just ordered a PlayStation 4

so I can watch the computer
play "NBA 2K20."

‐ [stammers]
They're stressed out!

They're anxious
about the future, they're...

‐ Horny. ‐ Lonely.

‐ [stammers] Lonely, yes.

It's like 11:00 p. m.
On prom night.

Like, a lot of bad decisions
about to be made.

‐ Also, I don't like
this whole "maybe" part.

Maybe breaking up
was a mistake. Mm‐mm.

‐ Plus, she has
those night terrors.

Remember the time she punched
you in the Adam's apple?

‐ So you all think
this is a bad idea?

‐ Eh... again.

This is your life.

Your rela‐‐no! kids: Hi!

But knowing what you know,
what do you think?

‐ What do you think about what?

‐ Oh, my God, Rufus,
what is happening over there?

‐ Rufus, you okay, buddy?

‐ Uh... I've been better.

‐ Are you wearing a mask
indoors?

‐ Yeah. You're welcome.

‐ Rufus, we've been over this.

Masks are for outdoors.

‐ No, no, no, no, no.
We've been over this.

Masks are for surviving.

‐ Should I be wearing a mask
indoors now?

[together] No!

‐ Well, I don't know...

Do you want to die? 'Cause...

‐ No! Rufus!
Stop scaring everybody!

‐ As you will recall, flashback,

about a month ago,

I said we should be
wearing a mask

whenever we leave the house.

And what did you do?
You laughed at me.

You laughed!

[in high‐pitched voice]
You laughed!

‐ We‐‐we didn't laugh.
The CDC said we didn't have to.

And then they said we did!
‐ Ah, yes, the CDC.

Your beloved CDC!

Oh, well,
guess who got it wrong?

I have it
on very good authority,

mask on, all times.
I sleep in this.

‐ Pretty sure that's not safe.

‐ Maybe you should
put some pillows

over your face,
really smother the virus out.

‐ Where are you
getting this information?

‐ I have a friend.

A very direct friend.

Who knows a guy very high up
at the CDZ.

‐ You mean the CDC?

‐ No, Ben, the CDZ.

The Cody Dawkins Zone.
It's a podcast.

‐ Wait, who's Cody Dawkins?
Is he a doctor?

‐ He was. He was a doctor.

‐ No! Annie, don't list‐‐

Rufus, stop it!
You're wrong about this.

You were wrong about
the sipping hot water thing,

and the laying the clothes
out in the sun thing.

‐ Neither of those
have been disproven!

The virus is surrounded
by a very thin layer of fat‐‐

‐ No, you're wrong,
you're just wro‐‐

[children laughing]
Ah! Halloween candy!

Kids: Candy! ‐ Rufus!

Take off that mask!

I'm tired of talking about this!

Ben!

What are you gonna do?

‐ I don't know,
I'm probably just

gonna keep wearing mine outside.

‐ Not about the mask!

About Paz!

‐ What's happening with Paz?

‐ She wants to move in with Ben.

‐ No, I'm sorry,
I can't allow that.

‐ Um... ‐ I guarantee you, Ben,

Paz has not been
keeping a tight quarantine.

‐ Yeah, I mean,
if we were talking

about someone like... Annie...

you know,
that'd be totally fine!

‐ Okay, we don't need
to talk about this anymore!

‐ What? It's a compliment!
Annie keeps a tight Q! Respect!

‐ Hi, guys! Sorry we're late.

‐ Oh, my God, what is that?

‐ What is that? Is that takeout?

Why don't you just go lick
a glove from a shopping cart?

‐ No, Garret made ramen.

Like, he spent all day
making noodles from scratch.

‐ Yeah, the secret is that
you have to bake

the baking soda first,

and Michelle is making
these amazing pastries.

‐ Yeah, and he keeps
eating them.

‐ I found a recipe
for croissants

that I was gonna try.

But I didn't.

Yeah, I didn't do it.

‐ Well, we're gonna
make you some.

As soon as everybody
can have dinner

together again,
this is first up.

‐ I mean, I feel like you can
just send it to us now

if we just wash our hands
and socially distance.

‐ No. ‐ How are you guys doing

over there?

‐ You know, we've been better.
‐ We're okay.

‐ Have you? ‐ What?

‐ Been better?

All the cooking,
the date nights.

The yarn wall thingies.

Both: Macramé. ‐ Right.

It kinda seems like you guys
are thriving.

‐ No, I wouldn't go that far.
‐ Thriving?

‐ No.
‐ I wouldn't say "thriving."

‐ This is peak
Garret and Michelle. No hate.

‐ Michelle, you're my sister,
I love you.

Everyone is having
a different experience.

It's okay if yours
happen to be a good one.

‐ Quarantine is super dope!

Ah! Sorry!

‐ Okay, no, no, no, no!

That sounds really, really bad.

We‐‐we know that there is

a lot of hurt right now. ‐ Yes.

‐ And we are giving
a lot of money to charity,

and Michelle is making masks
for the hospital.

‐ Oh, they're so cute!
‐ And needed!

‐ So cute and so needed!

‐ But if we're being honest...

‐ We needed this!

‐ So bad!

I am so thrilled
that I get to spend

every day with my wife,

doing all of my passions;

cooking, gardening,
fixing this place up.

‐ You know, we've got this,
like,

homesteader vibe going on.

We're like New Age
frontiers people.

‐ I don't want it to end.
Is that weird to say?

I know parts of this
are very, very bad,

but some of this
is so great for us right now!

‐ Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late.

The Wi‐Fi in my basement
is terrible,

so I decided to try you
from the hospital

before I head home.

‐ Hey, Jazmin. How are you?

‐ I've been better.

[somber piano notes]

[all speaking at once]

‐ I miss you guys.
I miss you so much.

What's great for you, Garret?

I could use some great
right now.

‐ Garret, Michelle,

were you guys
just saying something?

‐ I don't recall.
‐ No. Absolutely not.

‐ Y'all were so excited earlier.

‐ Yeah, Michelle,
you were talking about, like,

homesteading, and...
‐ No, I was not, Pradeep.

We just got here also.

‐ Okay.
Well, what are you eating?

That looks amazing!

‐ It's not great.
‐ It's trash. I hate it.

‐ How's New York?

‐ You don't want to know.

‐ Yeah. Yeah, we do.
How you holding up?

‐ How am I holding up?

Uh, well... [laughs]

I haven't hugged my kids
or kissed my husband

in four weeks.

I get up three hours
after I go to bed.

And... each shift starts
with a meeting

where we go through
all the things we don't have

and what our plan is
to deal with that.

And those meeting last

a really long time
because we don't have anything.

And I'm trying
to be clinical and objective

where I need to be,
and sympathetic

and compassionate
when I can be, but then...

all of a sudden,
I have to decide

who gets a ventilator
and who doesn't.

I mean, do you give it
to the old guy?

In bed number 13?

Because he probably
needs it more.

And because old people
have as much right

and desire to live
as the young people do.

And even though you don't want
to admit it to yourself,

there's a small part of you,
every time you look at him,

you think, "Holy hell.
He looks just like my father."

Or do you give to the woman
in her 40s in bed number 7?

Who just got remarried,
and is spending her honeymoon

in the ICU, even though
she's probably got

a better shot at surviving
without it.

But then, also,
what if she doesn't?

You know, just imagine that.
For a second.

And then you stop,
and you think,

"What an insane question

"for a doctor to have
to ask herself

"in the middle of a hospital

in the middle of a city
in America."

But then, suddenly, surprise.

You don't have to make
that decision after all

because another ventilator
has suddenly become available,

and you try
not to think too hard...

about why that might be.

You just say, "Great."

You know, "Tell the vent tech
to hook them both up

"when he's back from whatever
extended dinner break

he's taking,
and I'm going home."

And you try to sleep
for three more hours,

and then you get up,
and you do it all again.

Only when you get to work,

you find out that
both your patients are alive,

but neither of them
have been ventilated,

and when you ask why that is,
they say,

"Because one of the things
you don't have today

is a vent tech."

And when you ask why that is,
they say,

"Because...

[voice breaking]
he's in bed number three."

[crying]

[sobbing] And also...

It just hit me like a piano
smashing down on me that‐‐

[sobs]

The Clippers are not
coming back this year.

We had momentum.

We had the team,
and I had really good tickets

for when they play
the Knicks and the Nets.

And all of that
is just gone now.

It's not coming back.

‐ Those were really great seats.

‐ Right?

‐ When I came to visit
and you took me,

I felt like pre‐ "Lemonade"
Beyoncé.

‐ Me too!

We were like
double‐2003 Beyoncés

watching Kawhi
dunk on everybody's heads.

Rufus, take that thing off
your face

before I reach
through the screen

and rip it off myself.

‐ Thank you! ‐ Thank you.

Thank you.

‐ Ah, you know, Ben's thinking

about letting Paz move back in.

‐ No! What? Don't do that!

‐ That's what I said!
That's what I said!

‐ How short is your memory?
Has history taught you nothing?

What are any of us doing?

Annie, tell Ben
you love him already.

‐ [gasps] ‐ Uh‐‐

‐ Oh, my God! ‐ Ben, I didn't‐‐

I never said‐‐ ‐ I'm so sorry!

‐ Wait, wait,
what's wrong with his fac‐‐

Oh, he's frozen.
‐ Ben, can you hear us?

‐ I don't think he can hear us.

‐ Oh, thank God.

‐ Jazmin! ‐ I'm sorry!

I told you I was tired!
It just came out!

‐ It's okay!
But maybe put it back in.

‐ Annie, I would never!

‐ No, it's fine, I know. I know.

I can't even imagine
what I would be saying

if I was you right now.
‐ [laughs]

‐ I do! I love him! I love Ben!

I just want to tell him when...

♪ When Annie was
in Egypt's land ♪

♪ Let my Annie go ♪

Hey, Ben.

I was just singing
"Let My Annie Go."

‐ Sorry,
my internet crapped out.

‐ I'm telling you,
if we could get phones

on this Verizon network,

our connection would be awesome.

‐ Uh, Ben,
where'd we lose you, buddy?

What was, uh...

what was happening
at that point?

‐ You were threatening
to beat up Rufus

through your phone screen.

‐ Oh, yes! ‐ Oh!

Terrific! ‐ Bad Rufus.

‐ That's great.
‐ 'Cause Rufus is the worst.

‐ Excuse me?
‐ I'm sorry, you're the worst.

I love you,
but you're the worst.

‐ I love you, too. ‐ Hey, guys?

This is...

this is gonna end, right?

Like, we'll do another month
or so of quarantine,

and then we'll go back
to normal,

and we'll go back
to hanging out in person.

Right?

'Cause I really miss you guys.

‐ I mean,
that's the plan, right?

I mean, how much worse
could it get?

‐ You guys!
You're bringing down the room.

‐ We're bringing it down?

‐ Garret! ‐ Come on!

‐ Talk to me about this broth.
Spare me no details.

What are we talking?
Shoyu? Tonkotsu?

Hit me. ‐ Okay, so...

‐ ♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ Take a load for free ♪

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And... ♪

[singers harmonizing]

both: ♪ You put the load
right on me ♪

♪ ♪

[song concludes]