01x02 - Hi, My Name Is

[bunniefuu]

Dad?

"Did that kid just say 'Dad'?"

Toni thought to himself.

Did you hear what I said?

Uh… I'm your son.

"Did that kid just say, 'I'm your son'?"

Um, are you slow,

or do you just panic about everything?

Kid,

out of the road!

Both, I guess.

- Do you know where your parents are?

- Well, you're here, and Jana is gone.

Oh, you're Jana's kid, okay.

I don't know what she said,

but I'm not your father.

- You are.

- I'm not.

- You are.

- I'm not!

He is.

This is Toni's son, Charly Schrammel.

CRAP HAPPENS

VERONICA FERRES

COMPREHENSIVE SCHOOL

THE ONLY SCHOOL IN SCHITTEN

Charly Schrammel, a 7th grader

at Veronika Ferres Middle School

in Schitten-on-Havel,

was a happy kid.

Hi.

Maybe the happiest kid in all of Schitten.

Hi!

Good morning.

Charly loved going to school.

GERMAN

If Veronica Ferres has four apples

and shares them fairly among six children,

how much does each get?

He loved Veronica Ferres studies.

However the Shining Sun

Veronica Ferres happens to feel about it.

That's what's fair.

Our Shining Sun, Veronica Ferres.

Our Shining Sun.

Take out your geometry books.

Today, we're studying the angles

Veronica Ferres finds beautiful.

Yeah!

SCHEDULE

And he loved music.

SCHOOL BAND PRACTICE

He loved spending his afternoons

playing in the school band…

…which was run

by Toni's old school friend, Paule.

Love hurts

Love scars

Love wounds and marks

Take a lot of pain

Oh, take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud

Causing a lot of rain…

Charly was on a high.

Everything was amazing right now

because Charly was in love.

In love with…

Love hurts

Um, no.

In love with Sascha.

Sascha.

It was that kind of all-consuming love

you only feel when you're 13.

Consume me, oh, love.

f*ck my life, that was so good.

Band practice is over.

And tonight, it was finally happening.

At 9:00, they were finally going to kiss.

Still up for tonight?

Of course I am, yeah.

"Nothing is going to spoil

my good mood today."

That's what Charly promised himself.

VOTE FERRES

Charly believed some people

are simply meant to be together.

His grandpa and grandma, for example,

were together for 70 years.

They even worked next door to each other.

He was a hairdresser,

she was a funeral director.

Charly inherited their tandem bicycle,

and his responsibility-loving mother Jana…

Responsibility rules.

…took over both businesses

after her parents died.

She tore down the wall between them,

and Fune-Hair-Al Parlor was a hit.

Such a big hit

that Charly had to help her out.

Every weekday, without fail,

he washed Gossip Gabi's curls…

Is that okay?

Mm. Good.

…and Body-shaming Babsi's curls.

- Hello.

- Hi.

I have an appointment.

Tint or tragedy, my friend?

Um…

Tragedy, I'm afraid.

- Sorry to hear it.

- I'm sorry.

Please have a seat.

Everything was in perfect balance.

SCHITTEN COURIER

- Until…

- Did you hear that Wera's son…

God rest her soul… is in Schitten?

- No, Toni?

- Yes.

Who's that?

Toni Fleischer.

He's some kind of "repper."

I have no idea what that is,

but he got fat doing it.

Oh, Jana, are you two

back to bumping boots?

She wants to know

if you two had sex again.

Like on Wera's birthday. Ow!

So sorry.

You mean that time when

Jana and Toni got busy in a golden Trabi

on Wera's 50th birthday?

I remember. Oh, my, my, my, my, my.

My goodness, that was

14 years ago.

Fourteen years.

- Fourteen years.

- How time flies.

You're a spitting image

of that fat old blimp, aren't you?

He looks just like him.

One moment.

So this is my father?

- Mm.

- A rapper?

Mm-hmm.

Nice!

Mm…

- He know about me?

- No.

- I wanna meet him.

- Why? What for?

- 'Cause he's my papa?

- Don't call him that.

Mama?

- Hmm?

- I just wanna meet him, all right?

You don't need that right now.

At this point,

they dive into a complex discussion

about the performative

construction of fatherhood

and the appeal of parenting models

outside heteronormative

frameworks of individuality.

FERRES CAUSEWAY

But let's be real, you probably forgot

how the sentence started.

Yep. So let's skip ahead.

THREE (EMOTIONALLY COMPLEX) HOURS LATER

And everyone…

Everyone else at school has a father,

- I'm the only one who--

- Cut the act!

- I will go see him.

- You won't.

- I will.

- You won't.

You've left me with no choice, then.

No.

Oh!

Please.

Come on. That's it.

Okay, you get the idea. Moving forward.

14 BREATHLESS MINUTES LATER

You drive me crazy!

You're being so difficult!

You wanna meet him, do ya?

And that's when Jana reluctantly accepted

that her son had a right

to make his own mistakes.

Fine.

I knew that this day would come, actually.

It's all in there.

Fresh clothes for a week, a toothbrush,

and a pocket knife.

And this is for me.

Why?

He won't take care of you

if he can help it.

He's probably trying to leave town

as we speak.

So what's your plan?

We'll force him.

Sounds like fun.

FLEISCHER 24-HOUR TOWING SERVICE

I think.

What? You stay out of this.

Get lost!

What a stubborn kid!

Listen up, kid.

I'm a rapper, okay? I know the game.

You saw me at the funeral and you thought,

"Oh, Toni, such a swaggy dude."

"He's got everything I want.

He's cool, with his gold chains

and his cool drip and sh*t."

"I'mma get some money out of him

for… licorice."

Licorice? How old do you think I am?

Yeah, or fentanyl,

whatever you kids are into these days.

The thing is…

I mean, I'm too broke to help you out.

Brokest rapper ever.

"Brokest" isn't a real word, Papa.

I'm… I'm not your papa! You can't

just go around saying sh*t like that!

Aw!

Take care.

- Ah!

- Oh my God, you have a tiny duck?

Dude, just get out of here!

But I…

My mommy left…

…without a word, just like that.

And I'm really hungry, and…

I brought you a little present.

Ugh.

THE BEST DAD (IN SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL)

Well, it's too early to say that, maybe,

but I'm feeling pretty optimistic.

Okay, that's enough. You win, kid.

Here, my last ten euros.

- Happy now?

- I don't want your money.

- You do.

- All right.

Now get out.

I'm off to Berlin, and I'm losing time.

So, that wasn't ideal, but, oh well.

"Nothing is going to spoil

my good mood today."

Okay.

Toni was glad

he finally got rid of that weird kid.

But then he started having doubts.

"Could that really be my son?

I mean, yeah, the math is right,

but Jana and I definitely used protection

when we had sex in that golden Trabi."

"Right?"

She didn't leave him, okay?

Why would she leave her kid like that?

He is not my son.

I don't have a son.

Can we please not talk about this?

I need to concentrate.

No more distractions.

ONLY ROAD TO BERLIN

He needs to write.

All right, let's focus.

The beat?

Still there.

The flow? Still there.

Now just stay on it.

And the lyrics…

God.

Papa!

Papa!

Ugh.

Why won't you take care of me, Papa?

Meeting you was a disappointment,

and you're a bad rapper.

Papa.

You can't just lie on the road like that.

I always do everything wrong.

Here's your ticket. You better pay it.

Next time, make sure

you have a permit, okay?

Okay.

Hey, what the hell happened?

AN HOUR EARLIER

If I should be

throwing myself in front of a truck,

probably one hauling dolls

on the country road right now,

then give me a sign, sweetheart.

Papa.

I need your mother.

I can't live without her!

I have to join her!

Wera! I'm coming!

Tow that thing, Kaia's waiting.

What? No. I'm going to Berlin.

- That soon?

- Yeah.

- Rave?

- Uh… Rave?

No. I have to write songs.

I got a great opportunity.

The chance of a lifetime.

Cool. First you bring that truck back,

then you rave.

- I'm not going to rave.

- You people are filthy.

And take Johnny with you!

JUNKYARD 2.5 MILES

- Johnny.

- Yes?

Cry quietly.

Okay.

JUNKYARD

DRIVING SCHOOL

Kaia, can you pick up the pace?

Yeah, okay.

All right, let's have a look

at this little , shall we?

Can I sit down and write somewhere?

It's urgent.

You just wanna off, don't you?

Fine. Just do it.

Step into my office.

This family is insane. Jesus.

Okay, let's write a hit,

right here, right now.

Beat? Check.

Flow? Check.

Now focus on the lyrics.

Uh. Check, check. 'Kay, hear me out.

sh*t!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t!

All gone.

Ugh!

Uh!

Ow…

Ahh…

- Oh, teddy bear.

- Ahh…

I invited the family over for dinner

to apologize for

all the stress I caused today.

Are you, uh, coming too?

I'm not hungry.

Uh…

I'm making Königsberg meatballs.

f*ck it, I'm in.

Yeah-- Oh. I thought…

The whole family at one table.

Wera would've been so elated.

You cry, you're out of here, Johnny.

Back to your spot.

Bon appétit.

Königsberg meatballs!

- Mmm.

- Mmm.

- Mm-hmm.

- Mmm.

What's up with your hair today?

- Something's different.

- Mmm.

Mama.

- Mmm.

- Aunt Karo looks like dad's armpit,

and it's grossing me out.

Mm-hmm?

- I'm calling my doll "Baby Karo."

- Papa.

No, your doll's name is Jörg.

You don't wanna make Papa sad.

Hey, didn't you have a hair appointment?

Yeah, but Jana's not there.

Not there?

What do you mean?

Disappeared. Gone. The salon's closed.

You just get out of here!

My mom left, so I have to stay with you.

Get lost!

Since the tender age of four,

Königsberg-style meatballs

had been Toni's third favorite food.

But he had a bit of a quirk.

Whenever Toni had a guilty conscience…

You have a guilty conscience.

…he just couldn't get a bite down.

Nah, don't be silly.

Then eat.

It just wasn't possible.

Eat.

Papa, I told you so.

Mommy's really gone, and I'm hungry.

Ah, damn!

Bring me food.

g*n!

Toni, what have you done?

I knew you were gonna change your mind.

Come on, I'll show you my room.

Actually, I just wanted

to bring you some food.

Oh.

I'm not hungry.

It's Königsberg meatballs.

f*ck it. Count me in.

Where did Jana go?

And for how long?

Kid, you can't just sit back

and shrug your shoulders all day.

Oh my God!

I came home from school,

and she was gone, I mean, just like that.

And did you try calling her or something?

The person you are trying to reach

is unavailable.

Come on, she had to have said something.

Just that you're my papa.

- No, that's bullshit. I would know.

- How?

A man can sense these things.

Well, anyway.

- Enjoy.

- Mm.

Whoa.

We're not exactly the same.

That doesn't mean anything.

Are you gonna take care of me?

I can't even manage

to take care of my laundry.

But somebody has to take care of me.

Sorry, who is this little ?

- This is Charly.

- His son.

Your son?

Uh, supposedly.

Charly is Jana's kid.

Jana just disappeared and left him alone.

I have three cousins?

Four. The eldest isn't here.

Well, then.

Charly, family, family, Charly.

I'm Charly.

Bye now.

What?

Charly, kids… Go play.

Yes!

Toni, sit down.

- Yay!

- Go play, then.

Where are you going?

Berlin.

The chance of a lifetime and all that?

What?

Jana's the one who left,

it's not my fault, is it?

Go full manhunt if you have to.

If I have to?

Yeah, Interpol or whatever.

Well, if anyone loves a manhunt, I do.

She loves manhunts, all right.

Mmm.

I really love manhunts.

But…

As an adult in full possession

of her mental and physical faculties,

Jana has the legal right

to choose where she wants to be,

as long as Charly has

a caregiver to take care of him.

And in this situation,

that's you, Toni Fleischer.

And I will not allow you

to leave this poor little boy alone.

Nancy…

I have to get going now.

Don't you have anything to say?

I'm with Nancy. Brother, you're a little .

Karo.

Remember when tequila was,

like, "the drink" for about five minutes?

In that tiny window,

Jana let it slip to Karo

in a tequila haze

that Toni is Charly's dad.

And Karo had to promise

never to say a word.

But Police Chief Inspector

Nancy Bärbel Fleischer

always knew when someone had a secret.

So you were aware of all of this?

And you never said anything?

Yeah, I'm not a damn snitch.

Yeah, that tracks.

Perfectly logical.

Fleischers never snitch!

But anyway, that's awesome.

So Karo can look after him now.

No, that's your responsibility.

Well, let's assume… he's really my son.

Which one of you actually thinks

I'd be a decent father figure?

Charly thought so.

Someone who grew up in such a cool house

with such a cool family

could only be cool.

Cool.

- Hello.

- Hi.

- Hm?

- What're you doing here all alone?

They kicked me out

because I was crying too loudly for them.

Mm…

You're the kid

who played at Wera's funeral.

That was lovely.

What are you doing here?

I think he's trying to get rid of me,

but I'm actually Toni's son.

Mm. He didn't tell me that.

I'm his daddy.

Cool. Hi, Grandpa.

Huh… Huh…

Grandpa?

None of Nancy's daughters

has ever called me Grandpa, actually.

I'm so happy I could cry!

That's so nice!

Grandpa! Grandpa!

That was beautiful!

That didn't go as planned.

Toni's about to leave.

Charly was down to his last option.

So he used the most cunning,

most manipulative,

and only real weapon a child possesses.

And it worked.

In that moment, as they hugged,

Toni felt affection

and a sense of responsibility.

- And a little bit of hunger.

- Okay.

I'm staying. You can live with me.

Yes!

- Until Jana's back, then I'm gone.

- Cool.

- But it's writing time.

- Check.

Now give me my ten back,

you little scrounger.

Aww…

And now let's go party, you !

Yeah!

And that's one more ticket.

Whoo!

Everything was going

just how Jana planned.

Is it all going as planned?

Mm-hmm. They're all really, really great.

- Even Toni?

- Mm-hmm.

So, are you meeting

your girlfriend tonight?

Yeah.

- Still don't wanna tell me who she is?

- Mm-mm.

Just like you still won't tell me

about where you went.

- Right.

- Salud, señora Jana.

Snuggle bug, gotta go.

- You take care, okay?

- Okay, yeah.

- I love you.

- Love you too.

- Bye.

- See you!

So far, the day was a solid 12 out of ten.

I have to go.

And the best was yet to come.

Papa? Uh, I gotta go,

but I'll be back by ten.

Not a minute later.

Whatever.

Later.

And that's when it hit Toni…

"I'm a dad."

Closely followed by,

"So how does one 'dad'?"

Toni never wanted to be a dad.

And he had to write,

but now there was

nothing left in his head.

No lyrics. No beat.

Just… "Papa."

Charly's day didn't exactly

end on a high note either.

Scene of the crime,

Schitten's iconic make-out spot.

Time of the crime, 8:59 p.m.

Seriously, Mom. You're all

such a pain when you're together.

No, you don't have to come by

to check his papers, are you crazy?

Mom? I really have to hang up now, okay?

- Hi.

- Hi.

Okay.

It's nine on the dot.

Let's go.

- Mm?

- Mm.

- Wow.

- Wow.

How was your day?

I finally know who my dad is.

And not just that. I have a grandpa,

and I have four cousins.

And then there's Aunt Karo

and Aunt Kaia and Aunt Nancy.

- What?

- And a grandma, but she's already dead.

What?

This Aunt Nancy?

Why do you have a photo of her?

This is my mother.

D-does that mean we're…

Yeah, we're cousins.

- I have three cousins?

- Four.

The eldest isn't here.

Ah, gotta love small-town Germany.

VOTE FERRES & WIN

SCHITTEN

WE ARE FAMILY

"Nothing is going to spoil

my good mood today."

Coolest day of my life.

Love hurts

Love scars

Love wounds

And marks

Any heart

Not tough

Or strong enough

To take a lot of pain

Take a lot of pain

Love is like a cloud

Holds a lot of rain

Love hurts

- Ooh-ooh, love hurts

- Ooh-ooh, love hurts

I'm young, I know

But even so

I know a thing or two

I learned from you

I really learned a lot

Really learned a lot

Love is like a flame

Burns you when it's hot

Love hurts

Ooh-ooh, love hurts