04x08 - Squirrels and Fat Cats

[bunniefuu]

All right, everyone.
I'm heading out early

for my dentist appointment.

Clean teeth are happy teeth!

Good luck, boss.

Oh, um, I thought that
the bite suits would be

back by now from the dry cleaners.

If they're delivered by EOD,
would you guys mind

putting them in the closet?

- Mm-hmm.
- [PATEL] Absolutely.

- Yeah, totally.
- Okay.

Whatever you want.
Bookie's closed. Let's go!

[GROUP CHEERS]

[PATEL] Come on, Frank!

How are you not falling down?

I've got a foot and 25
pounds of muscle on you.

Low center of gravity, baby.
This weeble won't wobble.

[SHRED AND FRANK GRUNT]

[SHRED GROWLS]

Hey, no biting!

Actually, I guess that's
kinda what the suits are for.

That's okay. Chomp away!

Hey, guys, I just forgot my wall...

Do you guys ever work, even a little?

You know, in many ways,

this is your fault, for trusting us.

♪ [VOCALIZING]

[EMILY] Okay, one more thing.

I have noticed that
some of our adoptable cats

are getting a little bit chunky.

Okay, let's not body shame the animals.

Trust me, the shame is not with the cat.

Okay, uh, meeting adjourned.
Unless anyone has anything else?

I got something. Why are you
drinking Shred's coffee?

Oh! Whoops-a-doodle-doo.

I must have picked up the wrong drink

in the kitchen earlier.

- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
- [SHRED] Yeah.

- So... ah!
- Been looking all over for this.

- Here you go. Mm-hmm.
- Just get these cooties off.

- Right?
- Right. Mm-hmm.

[GASPS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Forgot I ordered six

- shots of espresso.
- Yeah.

- [SHRED] So good.
- Now you remember.

[EMILY] Okay. We're done here.

Uh... Frank.

I still need your paperwork for
the 24 animals you brought in

for the Jack Bauer.

I would do it, but... stapler's broken.

Okay, you have been
making excuses not to do

this paperwork for weeks now.

Each moment I waste on paperwork,

another animal dies.

You're making this office into
a Sarah McLaughlin commercial.

That's inaccurate and also
very dark for 8:00 AM.

I just need the paperwork
by the end of the day, please.

And find another stapler.

W-w-wait. You don't think
I've thought of that?

Because they're all broken.

That's not possible.

[EMILY] Oh my God!

This one's just a top?

What are you guys doing to these things?

Okay, well, you don't need
a stapler to finish

the paperwork, but I will
put in a written request

to the supply warehouse.

Can't you see?
We are hostages to bureaucracy.

Filling out forms to get stuff we need

to fill out forms we don't want to.

We can't live like this!

We have to rise up!

Who is with me?

I'm not with you.

Because it's a stapler.

Just do your paperwork.

I'm in.

You missed the moment, Patel.

I mean, we had momentum.

Okay, that coffee cup snafu?
Way too close.

Yes. Listen. Next time, I will make sure

they don't write my name on both coffees

when we have a sleepover.

I am just really scared that
we're gonna get sloppy,

and then people are gonna find out,

and then I'm gonna
have to wear the scarlet P

for power dynamic imbalance.

- Okay, hey.
- [EMILY GASPS]

You're spiraling a little bit.

Might be the gallon of coffee
you drink every day, huh?

I'm literally vibrating right now.

That's 'cause you're
a candy-a*s green tea boy.

I'm so sorry. I think I'm in withdrawal.

It's okay. Victoria's
the only one that knows,

and she's a vault.

Yes, but that's only
'cause she doesn't have

anyone to gossip with.
I mean, it's the exponential

rule of gossip.

When two people know something,
they talk, someone overhears,

and then the rumor mill
is fully operational.

[EMILY] Oh, God.

Hello. What the hell was
that coffee cup fiasco?

Might as well take your tops
off and motorboat each other.

You guys are so lucky that I have no one

to talk to about this.
If I could, I would.

I'd be yappin'.

What did I just say?
Exponential rule of gossip.

- She did just say this.
- Lock it up. Okay?

And stagger your exits.

- We know.
- Okay, we're not that sloppy.

[EMILY ON RADIO]
Hey, Truck Eight.

I just got a call from
Wellington Prep and they...

Do they want my blood?

I paid my tuition, I know I did!

Actually, there's a loose
squirrel in the building.

Oh, well, how did the squirrel
get in for free?

Dude, talk about something else.

Please. Let it go.

Yeah, Patel, I know
that's your kid's school.

Do you want the call, or is that weird?

[PATEL] No, I want it.
I 100 percent want it,

actually, 'cause I can't wait
to go and see the...

- Addy?
- No.

God... no.

There's a cannon that
they fire at high noon.

Right? They should point it at
the squirrel and save us a trip.

But then we'd wanna see
that too, wouldn't we?

That'd be nice.

♪

I finally got the rhythm
for this hold music down,

watch this.

So, you're still on hold
with the supply warehouse?

Supply warehouse?
No. What are you doing?

We're cutting through
the red tape of bureaucracy

with a 10-year-old
pair of rusty safety scissors.

You do not call the supply warehouse.

Okay, Arnie, the warehouse manager

has to be handled very delicately,

or he buries your request
at the bottom of the pile.

I'm gonna get this done.
That's why you brought me in.

I didn't bring you in. Jiminy crickets,

I am this close to getting
the Scandinavian label maker

that I requested four months ago.

It does fonts.

And... are we in Blue Man Group?

Could you just stop drumming maybe?

Sorry. I forgot I was doing it, so...



Play me out, then follow.

[TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY]

Whoa! This place is so nice.

All of the toilet stalls
still had their doors.

Vice Principal Richardson.

- Hello.
- Nice to see you.

Don't worry, we've, uh,
captured this interloper.

You, straight to detention!

Mr. Patel, I'm glad you're here,

and not just for the rabid squirrel.

Oh, no, this squirrel isn't rabid.

She's just in heat.

Probably ran in here
to hide from all the males.

I wanted to express my condolences

on the loss of your uncle.

I hope Addy's back in school soon.

Well, thank-thank you
so much for saying that.

I will pass it on to her.

Good seeing you.

I didn't know your uncle died.
I'm so sorry.

Oh, he's perfectly alive.

I just didn't want her
to know that I'm raising

a filthy little liar.

- No.
- Mm-hmm.

She's at a muffler shop.
That little... no.

It's moving. She's at a... a boutique.

Addy's skipping school to go shopping.

Maybe I do like her.

Nah. I don't.

[SHRED] So, I had a crazy idea.

For lunch, instead of going to a bar

and watching TV like we usually do,

we get a booth,
maybe make a little eye contact.

- Talk about...
- Shred, we're not going to lunch.

We have our most dangerous assignment.

- What?
- Acquiring a state-issued

eight dollar stapler without paperwork.

Emily specifically said
not to talk to Arnie.

You know, blind devotion
to me used to be

your greatest quality,
but something changed.

Something shifted.

Like, when did you start
drinking espresso?

I'm very cosmopolitan, actually.

You think that focaccia is a country.

Six espresso shots
is Emily's unhinged order.

No, no, no. T'was but a barista's error.

Wait, and another thing.

You used to spend, I'd say


pining over Emily.

But now that you're both single,

not a peep.

No. No, I'm just over her, man.

Okay, like I-I watched her
blow her nose and look at it.

It was freakin' gross.

Does espresso make you sweat? Is that...

- What?
- Where'd you get that?

From home.

That's like an adult, regular bandage.

You only wear Ninja Turtles.

Whose is that?

Mine.

Emily's.

You're having secret sex with the boss.

Ahhh! [THUD]

[LAUGHS]

I'll take that as confirmation!

Okay. Thank you for picking me up.

That hurt a lot more
than I thought it would.

All right, here's the deal.

I'm gonna need you to not say
anything about me and Emily.

You are underestimating
just how disinterested

I am in your love life.

Yeah, brother, I need you
to sheath that sarcasm sword,

and I need you to promise me

you won't tell anybody,
especially Emily.

This whole thing's
already got her on edge.

Oh, I won't tell.

I mean, if you go
to the warehouse with me.

Frank. Blackmail?

Come on, you're better than that.

I'm not.

Hi, Frank Shaw. Precinct 22.

This won't take long, just need a box of

full strip staplers in tundra gray.

Interesting. I didn't see
a requisition form come through.

No, I didn't submit one.

Not really a paperwork kinda guy.

That's unfortunate.

I mean, is it necessary? It's just a...

- stupid piece of paper.
- [ARNIE SCOFFS]

Now you insult my forms.

I'm gonna have to politely
ask you to leave.

Or?

Or...

[WESTERN STANDOFF MUSIC PLAYS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Um, sorry, this is
kinda freaking me out.

Can we just leave and maybe
I'll buy you a stapler?

I'm in the middle of
a staring contest right now,

and you just made me realize
how dry my eyes are, damn it.

- Yep.
- Let's go.

Are you sure she's here?

'Cause, like, these clothes
are quite cool.

See, that blue's so interes... oh.

Hi, ma'am. Can I offer you something

from our you should be
in school collection?

I knew I should have left
my phone in my locker.

You tell me why you're not
in school right now,

or I'm gonna do the K-pop dance
right here for everyone.

- Oh, you don't...
- Oh my God. Stop!

Fine. I'm being bullied.

By Zoe.

She's, like, the most popular
girl in school.

Dad, her mom lives in France.

Yeah, and I live in constant fear

that your pants are on fire

because you are a liar, liar...

- What?
- [VICTORIA] Can I talk to you

- Yeah.
- By the socks for one second.

I can see exactly what you're doing.

- Stay there.
- Over here.

- These are lovely, aren't they?
- What are... what are you doing?

Addy's 100 percent getting bullied.

Oh, don't be a sucker.

She just wants to waste my
money in a different location.

You wanna know how I know this?

And it might blow your mind.

I was a bully.

Yeah, that's...
I just assumed that you were.

And I would've gone
after Addy on day one.

Look at her.

[PATEL] Yeah.

She's wearing both halves of
a best friends necklace.

And I just see a really normal
girl with a really hot dad.

Okay. I know what I'm talking about

'cause I was a monster.

They wanted to make
a documentary about me.

♪

Okay.

- Grr!
- Well...

yeah, it's a tough break.

But, hey, let's go get that bro lunch.

We're not going to lunch
until I pry open the window

of government inefficiency
and take what I deserve.

Wait, are you talking about
breaking and entering?

A B & E?
You're talking B & Es right now?

I can't do a B & E, Frank.

Oh, yes, you can.

Unless you want me to tell your
very neurotic girlfriend

that I know a secret
that'll rip her world apart.

What is your end game, Frank?

I mean, let's say you get the stapler.

You're still gonna have
to do that paperwork.

No, I won't.

I got thousands of excuses.

Hand cramp, religious holiday,
back cramp.

I can kick this down
the road until retirement.

You're insane, brother.

And it sounds like
you're cramping a lot.

We gotta get you some
potassium supplements

- or something.
- What I gotta get...

is an accomplice.

Fine.

Let's get this over with.

Okay. You got this, kid.

Eww, God. Dad.

All right.

Stay strong.

- Aww.
- Yeah.

I really hope she crumbles,
because if she

transfers schools, I save so much money.

You don't know what Zoe
could do to her long-term.

To this day, I still get
messages from women saying that

Little Vicky ruined their lives.

Well, I certainly don't
want that for Addy.

- Yeah.
- God, you know, it just wrecks me that

all this swagger, like,
skipped a generation.

- Right?
- The, the swagger...

Zoe. Lookin' fire.

[VICTORIA] That must be her.

You know what? I'm gonna go
talk to the vice principal,

ask her to make an announcement
Stop. Stop. Sweetie.

To the entire school
and then they all find out...

It is like you have a playbook

on how to create scarring memories.

You've gotta stop.

I'll talk to Zoe.

Cool girl to cool girl, you know.

[WHISPERS] Why are you
doing that with your hair?

Hey, girl.

You are so dope.

I love, I love that fit.

Um... Question.

And this is, like, super cringey. Um...

Do you think you could be, like,

chiller to Addy?

Are you somebody's mom?

- Is somebody missing their mom?
- Nope.

No, I'm not that much older than you.

I'm, like, borderline big sister age.

Maybe you need to spend less time

looking up teen slang on ChatGPT

because it's giving you a tech neck.

Wrinkles in the front.

Hump in the back.

You're a humpback whale.

Humpback.

[STUDENTS CHANTING]
Humpback, humpback, humpback!

Humpback, humpback, humpback!

What did you do?

[VICTORIA] I hate my neck!

God. You gotta push, Shred.

- With your feet.
- [SHRED] I am pushing!

Put your hands above your head.

[SHRED] I am.

Perfect execution.

Okay. I'm up here.

Frank, where's your hand?
Frank, your hand?

My relationship's exposed.

I'm being blackmailed.
Committing a crime.

Caffeine's a gateway drug, Frank.

[FRANK] There they are.

This is it.

[FRANK LAUGHS]

And preloaded.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[WHISPERS] Shred?

[WHISPERS] Frank, that was too close.

[BUBBLEWRAP POPS]

Stop!

[GASPS]

- Stop!
- I can't!

Stop.

I asked you to leave.

He asked you to leave.

Now you don't get to leave.

Now, you don't get to...

- Johnny, let me have my moment.
- I'm sorry.

Now you don't get to leave
and swarm. Unbelievable.

Frank? Swarm?

[BUBBLEWRAP POPPING]

[FRANK GRUNTS]

All I wanted

was a little bit of lunch with my bro.

Soup.

Half a sandwich.

Regular stuff.

And now I'm here.

Prisoner of a w*r I wanted no part of.

We are all prisoners
in the w*r against bureaucracy.

I'm glad you're finally
figuring that out.

[ARNIE] Look upon my things.

Look upon my beautiful things

and despair.

You know, I'm pretty sure
this counts as kidnapping!

I mean,

I don't wanna victim blame,
but we did break in.

It's kind of a legal wash.

[ARNIE] The squeak-less
dry erase markers.

Magnets so strong

they could hold up even your ego.

And it could've all been yours

if you just filled out
the proper paperwork.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Arnie?

Um, it's Emily from, uh, Precinct 22.

Thank you so much for calling me

instead of the police, and...

I'm so sorry about Shred and Frank.

It was disappointing.

Oh, it is definitely disappointing,

and I certainly hope it won't affect

what I feel is a wonderful
working relationship.

You put in for the Copenhagen
label maker, didn't you?

Mmm. Yes, I did, and I am excited.

Ah...

Ah! Hmm.

- Hmm?
- Oh. Yep, that's the one.

That's me. I filled it out in,
uh, blue ballpoint ink,

just like you requested.

[WHISPERS] Oh, God. No.

[WHIMPERS]

Oh, God.

Realistically, I'm looking
at 2027, aren't I?

If things break your way.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that girl was mean.

- Are you, uh...
- Trying to fix my hump?

Yeah, I am.

Zoe destroyed me.

And now I know what all
the girls I tormented felt like.

First time experiencing empathy?

From this day forward,
I'm turning over a new leaf.

I'm never gonna be mean ever again.

Well, you can't become
a better person just yet.

We still gotta figure out
what to do with Zoe.

Nah, I'm outta the game.

It's just... it's not who I am anymore.

If she's making you feel like this,

imagine what she's doing
to all those kids at Wellington.

We need to stop her for Addy.

Meh.

Okay, well, maybe we need to do this

for all the kids
tormented by Little Vicky.

So, what do you say?

One last job?

[PATEL] Why do we need
to find Zoe's car?

[VICTORIA] How about we leave
the revenge to Little Vicky.

Found it. Now what?

Oh, great. I don't even
have to break in.

Huh?

Wait until the male squirrels
get a whiff of these pheromones.

Wha... nah, it's not gonna...

Come and get it, boys!

[VICTORIA LAUGHS]

[SQUIRRELS CHITTERING]

You're a sick genius.

[SQUIRRELS CHITTERING]

[VICTORIA] Ah, this is so good.

The real prank's on these horny boys.

All that anticipation just to
end up alone with a towel.

Hittin' too close to home?

Oh, yeah.

You know, I expected this
out of you, Frank.

You expected us to get kidnapped
by an office supply warlord

in pleated pants?

Never mind. But, Shred?
I am really disappointed in you.

I have been working
my tush off for months

to get that label maker,
and you know it.

My drawers, they're unlabeled.

My file folders,
they're handwritten tabs.

The spot on my desk where
a label maker should be,

that's empty, Shred.
There's nothing there.

Emily, he knows.

That I'm your boss
and you're my employee

in a normal working relationship?

Emily, he knows
we're star-crossed lovers.

What? You... you told him?

No, I didn't tell him,
he figured it out.

He's too good at noticing.

Wow.

Okay.

That's that.

Everybody's gonna find out,
and oh, my God,

I am the Harvey Weinstein
of Seattle government.

So, I am so glad that
I have a pre-written apology

to the city on my Notes app.

- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
- No. No. Hey. No.

If you go down, I'm going down with you.

Although I don't... I don't
think we should use the phrase

"going down" in any official capacity.

All right. All right, guys. Guys.

I'm not gonna tell anyone.

As long as...

As long as what?

Don't take the bait, Emily.

Okay, it's a slippery slope.
He never stops taking.

I'm a man of honor,

and I would never abuse this new power.

[SHRED] Nuh-uh.

He says stuff like that
and he doesn't mean it.

[SHUSHES] Quiet,
the big boys are talking.

All right, Frank.

Name your price.

Remember, those have my name on them,

so half-a*s it the same way I would.

Wait, remind me.

Why are we doing
Frank's paperwork, again?

Yeah, well, you know, Frank's rescues

really benefit all of us.

So, it only makes sense that

we should all share in the act of...

Look, I don't know, I'll just
buy you guys pizza, okay?

For myself, I will have
a green goddess salad

with dressing on the side.

Uh-huh.

Addy says the whole school
thinks I squirreled Zoe's car,

so now I'm cool!

- We did it, we did it!
- Take that, Zoe.

Being popular is the best.

It's like being mayor,
but you have actual power.

Good thing high school
goes by prison rules!

[VICTORIA] Whoo! We did it!

♪

Frank.

I saw that little look
between you, Shred and Emily.

I know you know.

- I know nothin'.
- Right. Yeah.

I forgot you're a terrible detective.

You'd never be able to piece
that together on your own.

Okay.

I knew for months before they told me,

but that's not a confirmation.

You have to gossip with me
because I have had nobody

- to talk to about this.
- And you still don't.

No! You're no fun.

All right. Yeah.

They're not the worst couple
in the world.

Wow. That's so lovely.

But your best man speech will
have to be better than that.

Well, obviously,
I would be the officiant.

If they make it that far.

But office romances never end well.

I think if it's for the right person,

it's worth the risk.

Imagine risking it all for Shred.

I'm sensing a little bit of jealousy.

Are you jealous?

I could steal him from her
in a heartbeat.

Only if you're willing to do
what Emily does with him.

Which I'm assuming is some
very intense hand-holding.

See ya, Sands.

I love your backpack.
What time do you jump?

[FRANK] Shut up!

[KNOCKING]

- Hey.
- Uh...

I was hoping I could have off...

I know what you're doing.

You're gonna blackmail me
to get what you want... forever.

Great. You get it.

So, about the next 36 Fridays.

See, that's where you're wrong,
because I am, in fact,

reverse blackmailing you.

Shred, lights!

Sorry, Frank, but also... ha-ha!

[FRANK SINGING] The greatest

magicians have something to learn

from Mr. Mistoffelees'

magical turn!

Oh! Well, I never!

Was there ever a cat so clever

as Magical Mr. Mistoffelees?

Oh! We...

Should I keep going?

Very good.