01x01 - A Very Debra Christmas

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Welcome to Lemoncurd,

a charming town
full of charming people

leading charming lives
and eating charming food.

In this town
live three very busy women

who are all named Debra.

And that's not all.

Oh, wait! Yes, it is!

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Debra, your hilarious story
reminded me

that I have
a better one.

It's so funny,
and it's so long!

So, my husband went to
the doctor and found out

that we have
a cholesterol problem.

As a result,
we started eating oatmeal!

Debra, that is so funny!

You have to stop.

I just remembered something
that happened on the way here.

I forgot because I was so busy
walking inside.

So,
what happened is that...

♪♪

♪♪

[ Shrieks, giggles ]

[ Shrieks ]

♪♪

[ Cars dinging ]

We k*lled
your pool boy!

He died instantly.

Did you at least
clean up the mess?

No. I figured the pool boy
would clean it up.

He didn't?

Oh, he is so fired.

[ Sighs ] Thank God the cars
are fine, but, Debras,

I can't believe
you could be so careless.

[ All chuckle ]

Oh, oh, oh,
well, well, well,

looks like we got quite
a little mess here, huh?

You know what we do with women
who make a mess in public?

We turn a blind eye?

We tie their tubes!
It's the law.

But a Debra must be able to
conceive at a moment's notice.

Well, you should have
thought of that earlier!

Once I report you to our heroic
law enforcement,

it's only a matter of time

until the town tube-tier
comes a-knocking.

Have a blessed day.

Thank you!

He's so nice!

I love the way
he talks to us.

Get serious, Debra!

This is serious.

Our legacy
is on the line.

We only have a couple hours
to make this go away.

Of course. I'll take care
of the cops.

I met one once.

Both: Wow!

[ Panting ]

It would be my privilege
to dispose of the body.

I love garbage.

And I'll honor
the pool boy's memory

by replacing him
immediately.

Debra, what happens
if we get caught?

It's my house.
It's my brunch.

I'm the reason we're all here
in this position today,

so if someone needs to take
the fall and get her tubes tied,

I think
it should be you.

Me too.

There's nothing in my life
worth saving.

Yeah.

Whatever.

♪♪

Hi.

I'm Debra.

Nice to meet you.

Hello! How may the police
help you today?

I would love to talk my way
out of trouble.

Of course!

Fill out this form.

Ah!

Man:
Now let off of this, okay?

I want it so bad,
I can taste it!

Here you go.

Make sure
you take care of this.

[ Laughs ]

Time to take matters
into my own hands.

I don't care what you do.

♪♪

Ah!

[ Clattering ]

♪♪

♪♪

I've never disposed of someone
so handsome before.

Don't judge me.

It's not usually this messy
in here.

[ Laughs ]

Do you know my husband?

He's also dead.

Israel or Palestine?

No wrong answers.

You're crazy.

I hope I'm not
coming on too strong,

but I haven't connected
with someone like this

in a really long time.

[ Grunting ]

[ Groans ]

Looks like we're gonna need
a bigger purse.

[ Whistle blows ]

Okay, men!

Only the strongest will prevail
to become my next pool boy.

It's an honor
just to be nominated.

I can lift a car!

But can you [bleep] me
like a car?

That's right.
I'm cheating on my husband,

and that's okay
in my world.

♪♪

Let the games begin!

♪♪

Careful, kid.
Don't fall in love with me.

Let's dance.

♪♪

Sorry, sweetheart.

I'm too old for you.

Get out of here.

[ Sniffing ]

There's something I like
about you.

♪♪

Thanks!
I really needed this!

My brother died today.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

It's perfect.
I'll take it.

Are you sure?

It's really expensive.

I know it's expensive.

Why else do you think
I came to an emporium?

♪♪

Exact change, nice touch.

Would you like this bag
delivered to your house?

Of course!

Bob!

Whee!

Good work, boys,
guys, men.

Everybody is
looking at crimes.

I'm a cop.

I need this for a case,
you know, cop stuff.

Of course I know cop stuff.

[ Both bark ]

Man: All hands on deck!

We got a 1, 2, 3, 4
and a 5, 6, 7, 8 --

big female mess
on Boulevard Lane.

I never thought
I'd see the day!

All my years
on the force.

♪♪

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry.

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

♪♪

Wait for me.

Debra #1: Hurry up!
We got to clean up this mess

before the law arrives!

That pavement better shine
like the top

of the Chrysler Building!

[ Laughing ]

♪♪

Dispatcher approaching
the 1, 2, 3, 4

and 5, 6, 7, 8.

-Copy.
-Paste.

[ Panting ]

They're closing in on us!

Those Debras made a mess!

Tie them up, boys!

Not so fast!

I don't see a mess
anywhere.

All I see is a genuine
sheepskin rug

and a gorgeous woman
in the prime of her life.

Well, I'm convinced.

Nothing to see here.
Case closed.

And you, you wasted
valuable resources

and falsified
a police report,

and for that, you get a medal,
Mr. Cool.

Yeah!

Yeah!

At this rate, you'll be
the mayor in no time.

Debras, I did it!

I hid the body,

the dead body
of the pool boy we k*lled.

[ Crying ]

[ Fire crackling ]

♪♪

We did it, ladies.

No, we did it.

Well, thank God
this is over

because now we can finally
hear the end

of Debra's
awesome oatmeal story.

Oh, yes! Where was I?

You know what? I better just
start from the beginning.

Yes! Yes!

So, my husband
went to the doctor

and found out that we have
a cholesterol problem.

As a result,
we started eating oatmeal!

I measure out the amount
every morning,


and 1/3 cup of...

I'll get your tubes tied
if it's the last thing I do!

Why?

Because I'm mean.

[ Laughter ]

The oatmeal was
the wrong amount.

Oh!

By the way, Debras,

Merry Christmas!

-Ah!
-Oh!

[ Squeals ]

[ Camera shutter clicks ]

So, what's for brunch
tomorrow?

Yesterday's eggs.

Does that make them
today's eggs?
Yes.

Both: Oh, hello, Debra!

Debra looks amazing.

I, like,
want to [bleep] Debra.

♪♪

♪♪