01x03 - Teen Eggs and Scram

[bunniefuu]

- Margot!

- Dare me to dive into
these sharp rocks?

- Hell yes!

- I heard sharp
rocks don't exist!

- Sharp rocks are a hoax

invented by the Chinese dude.

- [ Screams ] [ Body thuds ]

[ Baby crying ]

- ♪ I'm not as crazy
as I used to be ♪

♪ Some of my devils
up and left me free ♪

♪ To find a quiet space

♪ I'm not as out of place

♪ And I'm coming home again

♪ It's been too long a time
gettin' back what's mine ♪

♪ And I can't remember
why I went away ♪

♪ But it's lookin' now
like maybe I can stay ♪

Is that any good?

[ Air horn blows, cheering ]

- Wow, Baba.

Spring break is
always lucrative,

but this might be our
busiest season yet.

- Yes, my grandchild.

The co-eds are
dropping like flies.

If flies had alcohol poisoning

and fatal water-sports
accidents.

- Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!

- Kyle died like he lived.

Playing jet ski beer pong.

[ Sniffles ]

Stay swole, bro.

- Stay swole!

- How much extra to add
honey to the slide n' slip?

- $5 Flori-dollars a head.

- I think Kyle would
have wanted it that way.

Weeeee!

- Hey, party boy!

I waxed my pubes in the
shape of a solo cup.

Wanna sip?

- No thank you, ma'am.

- Ma'am?!

Annie, I need you
to cover my forehead

with the curtain of youth.
- No!

Don't attempt home bangs;

the potential for
trauma's too high.

Baba trimmed my bangs when I was
and Child Protective Services

made me live in a group home
for months till they grew back.

- So Baba's willing
to do it? Thanks.

Annie tells me you can make my
forehead go from here to here.

Got a minute?
- [ Sighs ]

Okay, daughter, but
bangs on woman your age

is very shameful cry for help.

- What's Baba doing?
- Trophy wanted bangs.

- [ Gasps ]

- [ Shrieks ] What did you do!

My forehead is big enough
to have its own a*s!

- Relax, it grow back.

Three months. Value haircut.

- You did this on purpose
to ruin my Spring Break.

You just love screwing things
up for me, don't you old woman?!

- Stay still,
desperately vain corpse.

Baba fix.

- 911. Yes, I'd like to
report a child being abused

by a non-maternal
crone-like foreign woman.

Yes, the child is
a very youthful 33.

- 911, my pathetic, promiscuous
daughter is elder abusing me.

Send your most
sadistic cop ASAP.

They all sadistic?

Choose the one in
least-happy marriage.

[ Siren wails ]

- SXPD! Freeze!
[ People gasps ]

Pardon the interruption
folks, we received two calls

from suspected white
women in distress,

so we're gonna need you
all to line up right quick

according to immigration
status and bra size...

- Hold on.

I'm seeing the bangs
of a psychopath.

Must be our perp.
Cuff her, Monotonee.

- No, I'm the victim!

You're looking for ill*gal-alien
Edward Scissorhands over there!

- Let's see what
forensics say, ma'am.

Hold out your hands.

- But I also victim!
- Sorry, ma'am.

[ Beeping ]

Officer Infinitee,

she's coming up positive

as an accessory
to this bang trim.

- You made me ugly on purpose!

If I had a hot daughter,
I'd never do this to her!

- Yeah, well, if you
had stronger chin

you'd look quirky and carefree!

[ Both grunting ]

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

Watch the bangs!

- That's it! You're
both under arrest!

[ Handcuffs click ]

[ Siren wailing ]

- Who wants to wrestle in jello

as a tribute to the
recently deceased?!

[ Cheering ]

♪♪

- Step forward.

Baba and Trophy
Fantasy Felony Coiffe.

- She's the true
offender, your Honogram.

These bangs make my face
look like it's sandwiched

between two necks!

Make her pay for
what she's done!

- It does look like
your forehead's

trying to climb out a window.

Mm, mm, mm. Proceed.

- She's armed and dangerous,

and what's more,
she's undocumented!

I'm her daughter, and I don't
even know where she's from.

- I have told you many
times! Old Country!

- Okay, Grandma, your turn.
- Sir. [ Clears throat ]

My ungrateful daughter request
hair management service and Baba

do cost-effective, timely job.

I should get paycheck, not jail!

- [ Screams ]

[ Both grunting ]

- [ Hisses ]

- I think these are yours.
- Lemme get this straight.

You called the cops
over a bad haircut?

- Bang trim!
- Bang trim!

- Trophy, Baba,

due to your penchant for
drama and your ability

to read a b*tch, I
hereby sentence you both

to be contestants on our
new spring break TV show:

"Top Felon."

Hope you enjoy
that bang, ladies!

[ Panicking ]

Girl, I am freaking
out without Baba here.

How do you stay so eerily calm?

Annie?
- It's easy, Uncle Pete.

I just distance myself
from my emotions.

It's a self soothing
technique I've been doing

since Trophy abandoned
me as a newborn.

- I think your re-abandonment

has caused you to
totally lock up.

You have to embrace
your feelings.

Especially if they're painful!

- I am feeling like I
don't like you doing that.

- Hmmm. I don't taste a thing.

Annie, to fix this rigidity,

you'll have to have a
big emotional release.

- But... I'm fine like this.

- Whoopsie.

Let me help you, Annie.

I happen to be a
professional grief processor.

Watch.
- [ Sobbing ]

- Let's see what we're
dealing with here.

Acidic. Notes of FOMO with
a finish of self-pity.

These are the tears of sorrow
that you won't have access

to Kyle's beach
house anymore. Huh?

- His hot tub had
a strobe light!

I'm gonna miss it so
much... Him, so much.

It, him, it, him...

It him it him it him!
- Wow!

How did you know that?

- Just a simple tear-tasting.

I've expanded my empathy
receptors and refined my palate

to the point that I can detect
exactly what someone's feeling.

- Like a sommelier
but for feelings.

- When someone needs to cry,
the brain first sends a signal

to the tear scrotum,
causing tears to brew.

Next, the tears get steeped in
emotion, forming their flavors.

The most pungent feelings
are set aside in reserve

to be barrel-aged.

These are known as "old wounds."

But most tears get quickly
eye-jaculated onto the face.

I think if we can teach you to
taste these simple feelings,

it might help you begin to
process your abandonment issues!

- Then will I be able to
experience human connection?

And eventually maybe
even play tennis?

- Mmmm, baby steps.

♪♪

- And now let's
bring out our host.

You know him from his hit single

"Let Me Knock You Up At
Sea World", old dirty

Broward County himself,
your big Flori-daddy

and the governor of the
franchise territory of Florida,

Little Flor-Ida!

- Awww sh*t, y'all,
welcome to TF!

The show where spring
break's sexiest,

wildest lawbreakers compete
for a chance to be pardoned!

By who? By me!

One lucky felon can get
back to spring breaking.

The rest will be sent
to prison labor camps

stuffing them little cotton
ba*ls into bottles of medicine.

Thanks to last year's losers,
them hoes is still fresh.

Now let's meet our felons!

Meet Daiquari!

- I'm here to make bail,
not to make friends.

But I'm also open
to making friends.

Memories are important.

- We got Orange!

- I'm juicy. And toxic to
certain breeds of dogs.

German Shepherds...

yellow labs... and pugs.

I k*lled a pug. She
was so cute though.

- Let's meet Jacuzzi!

- My parole officer said
this is my last shot,

so I'm not gonna waste it.

[ Retches ]

- This hoe's not so fresh.

Trophy!

- I'm dead inside and out!

- And finally, Baba!
- Need funeral?

We can do tie-dye coffin,
ombre coffin, glitter coffin...

Get 20% off tender
endings with discount code

Trophy bad daughter.

- Stay tuned as
these ladies face off

in their first challenge,

right after these trade
school commercials!

- We'll start with my
basic tear collection.

These are your most
common flavors:

your "sads," your
"afraids", your "alones."

I keep my most valuable tears

in a safe deposit
box down at the bank.

You can try those once
you've gotten the hang of it.

Here, try one and tell me
what feeling you taste.

- Where did you get these?

- Luckily you can't
taste that part.

Go on, just tell me what the
tear says to your tongue.

There are no wrong answers.
- Okay.

Um. Pepper?

- Pepper's not a
feeling, sweetie.

These are tears of a
bride left at the altar.

Just relax. Who do
these belong to?

- Um, a retiree?

- A baby.
- Oh, right.

A baby... who's hungry?
- No!

A baby who saw a
balloon and now doesn't

see a balloon and
wonders where it went!

"Hungry"? Jesus Christ.

- Sorry.
- Okay, alright, here.

This one is impossible
to get wrong.

- You're right.
I know this one!

A kid who got bulled on
their first day of school?

- Are you kidding me?!

It's a kid who got bullied
on their last day of school

after being really
popular all year!

What kind of freak are
you to not get that!

- Maybe I can't taste tears
because I can't make them.

Sometimes I think
I'm going to cry,

but then tiny salt
cubes come out instead.

- Huh. I guess you're
that kind of freak.

- My whole life I've
only shed a single tear,

and it was over mom's corpse,
right before she got struck

by lightning and reanimated.

- Damn, that's
one powerful tear.

When you start weeping,
we're gonna have

a real downpour of
distress on our hands.

It might even turn into
a heartache hurricane.

Uh-huh, follow me!

[Air horn blaring]

- At least admit it's
your fault we're in here,

then I can get back to
a more sustainable level

of hatred for you.

- Everyone in Old
Country say, "Oh, Baba,

you never go to labor
camp, you good gymnast.

Your body strong, you
have good babies."

But no! Turns out I
have low-rent tacky baby

who can't pull off
high fashion haircut.

- Felons! For challenge #1,

you'll each need to
climb your stripper pole

covered in baby oil,

grab the beach ball
hanging from the top,

and toss it into the kiddie pool

filled with Robitussin
and Monster Energy.

- But watch out: as you
make your way to the top,

you'll need to avoid
the drunk tourists

throwing handfuls
of coins at you.

- Listen to DJ D.O.J., ladies!

The nickels hurt the most.

Now on your mark, get set, h*!

[ Air horn blares ]

Oooh, it's a miss!

Gonna have to try it again.

[ Screams ]

- Death powers!

- Um, I don't know who
needs to hear this,

but old girl's pole
is a pile of bugs.

- [ Grunting ]

- Climbing fast for single
mother with bad haircut!

- Ahh! My bangs look like a
scarecrow made of dog fur!

[ Screams ]

- [ Grunts ]

[ Air horn blares ]

- Baba! That floppy
chest is prehensile!

Tell us how you did it!
- Lots of sauerkraut.

Fermentation is fitness.

[ Grunting ]

- Now, I'm going to show
you some familiar items

that should produce a
strong emotional response.

- Flopsie the bear!

Trophy left her in my crib
when she abandoned me.

- Right.

But what if I told you that
Baba and I actually won this

at a claw machine
outside of a hockey rink

and made up that
story about Trophy?

- I'd... I'd be
completely fine with that.

- Interesting. No tears
or moisture build-up.

Okay, how about this?

- That's the tiara Baba won
at the "Most Stern Woman"

contest from the old country.

She passed it down to me.
- Exactly.

But what if I told you Baba
and I actually won this

at a claw machine
outside a hockey rink?

And that Baba would never part
with her real prized tiara

that she hasn't even let me
see except in photographs?

- Totally fine.

Totally fine.
- Hmm.

Okay, here's a video from
your tenth birthday party.

♪♪

Cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, cry!

Aw. What are you doing?

- The school therapist
calls it Turtle-ing?

They're still
looking for a cure.

- The cure is crying, Annie!

I know what'll get those
peeper pipes flowin':

let's take a
tear-school field trip!

- Over the break,
each of our felons

chugged enough malt liquor

to get their blood
alcohol level over .15.

Now they've gotta talk
their way out of a DUI.

I wanna see that.
You wanna see that?

Let's go! [ Siren wails ]

- Hi, officer.

I guess I didn't notice
I was speeding cause

I can't see the odometer
over these big boobies!

Do you see them?

[ Ding! ]

- Mr. Officer, could you put

a little something at
the end of the line?

I tend to be pretty
goal-oriented.

- Uh, sure. Here.

- Ooh, I love keys!

That's super helpful.

[ Ding! ]

- You know what really
makes me puke, officer?

People who drink and drive.

Just the thought of
them really makes me...

[ Buzzer, siren wails ]

- Do you know why I pulled
you over today, ma'am?

- No. Baba excellent driver.

- Then you won't
mind trying to say

the alphabet backwards for me?

- Not problem.

Z. Y.

- And then what?
- Puerto Rico?

- Alright, you're
under arrest, Baba.

[ Buzzer, siren wails ]

- This is all your fault,
just like my inability

to tolerate intimacy!

- Baba's conscience is
like forehead: clear!

- Two down, two to go.

Stay tuned for our speed round,
where our final contestants

take amphetamines
and fold pizza boxes!

[ Ducks quacking ]

- I can't swim
either Uncle Pete.

Trophy said she'd teach
me once scientists develop

a bathing suit that
flatters my body type.

- Someday, Annie.
But stay focused.

Whenever I really need
a good cry, I come here.

- Aw. A duck funeral.

That is sad.
- Not that, Annie.

Ducks die like everyone else.

Get used to it!
Look over there.

That duck is the one in charge
of arranging the funeral,

and his mother is telling him...

what a good job he did.

[ Sobbing ]
- I understand.

That makes you sad because you
wish Baba praised you more.

- What? No, Annie!

It makes me sad because I've
always wanted a corkscrew p*nis!

How do you keep missing
the point so badly!

- I told you I'm a lost cause.
[ Ducks quacking ]

Thanks for showing me this
world of ducks, though.

- [ Sighs ] I was hoping I
wouldn't need to resort to this,

but you have left me no choice.

Back in the hearse!

♪♪

- [ Grunts ] [ Whistle blows ]

- Cotton ba*ls down, ladies!

Please take your spots
in the share circle.

It's time for court
ordered group therapy

with our new vacuum slash
facilitator, Elizabeth.

- Okay, focus, everyone, focus.

Today I want to talk
about why you're all here.

- I am here because of her.

She gave me these bangs
to ruin my spring break,

my life and my face.

She made me look like a
hamburger without a bun.

You missed a spot.
- Girl, I can relate to that.

The bad bang trim my mom

gave me put my
self-esteem in the toilet.

And that led to drug
use, prostitution,

and becoming an op-ed writer
for the Washington Post.

- Yeah, I was a
prep-school honors student

until my step-mom cut
my bangs the night

before my Princeton interview.

After that rejection, I
figured, why not inject meth?

- My old boss grabbed
a pair of scissors

when I was strangling her.

I thought she was going to
stab me in self-defense,

but instead... she did this.

It would've been
kinder to k*ll me.

- Baba, how do you feel hearing
everyone play the blame game?

- Hm? [ Sighs ]

One harsh winter when I
little girl, it was big day.

Papa finally come home
after 10 year in labor camp.

Baba want to look
special so I beg

Momushka for cute bangs.

She not want to, but I insist.

When Papa come home...

- [ Groans ]

- he take one look at me...

- [ Screams ]

- and flee.

I never see my Papa again.

- I feel that.
- It's so sad.

- It's so relatable.

- My mother also wh*re.

May have been that.

- Yes, this cycle of
intergenerational trauma

and all its manifestation...

Chunky bangs, piecey
bangs, feathery bangs...

Can only stop when we
begin taking responsibility

for our own bad hair choices!

- You heard her.
It's all your fault.

- But you still pretty to me.

Hair grow back in time,
like your forgiveness.

- Well, I hear Baba seeking to
repair your connection, Trophy.

Can you name something about
Baba that you appreciate?

- Well, she has taught me a
lot about how to deflect blame.

And that's... that's
come in handy.

- My stubborn girl.

- Mama! [ Sobbing ]

- This my daughter!

- Well, that is lovely.

End session 21942.

♪♪

- Annie, welcome to Tear Club.

No one gets out dry.

Meet Sad Sal and Weepy Willy.

They're what's known
as ultra-criers.

They specialize in
tear stimulation.

- Nice to meet you.

- Wah.
- Wah wah.

- See, the boys here, they're
gonna prime my deep-down tears.

One taste of this
emotional concentrate

will either bust open your
floodgates or k*ll us all.

Pump me!
- [ Grunting ]

- [ Sobbing ]

♪♪

Here it comes, Annie!

- I hope you know how to swim!

- Huh.
- Oh, no!

Can you taste it Annie?!
Can you taste it Annie?!

- Oh, my gosh.

I can taste your pain!

Your first day of
school, when you realized

Baba wouldn't be your teacher!

That time at mortician college
when Baba stood you up for prom!

That Christmas when Baba
didn't buy presents,

so you pretended you'd asked
Santa for a niece named Annie.

[ Machine beeping ]

- Do you feel anything yet?

- I don't think so.

Wait. W-W-What's going on?

What's happening to me?
- Stand back!

- She's about to eye-jaculate
for the very first time!

- Help! Help!

- Well, hey, new mommy.

Says here you named
her Euthanasia.

Is that correct?
- Uh, yeah.

Because she makes me want to
put myself out of my misery!

Can I get some more painkillers?
- [ Sobs ]

- Why don't I get a
bottle filled with milk?!

Why does Annie get
everything she wants?!

- There, everybody happy.
- Ah, help!

Before I was the girl
with a runaway mom,

but now I'm gonna be the girl
with the dead runaway mom!

I wish you never came back!

♪♪

- [ Screaming ]
- Watch out!

- Salty!

- It burns!

- [ Sobbing ]

[ All screaming ]

♪♪

[ Sobbing stops ]

Oh.

I feel, I feel so... so...

thirsty.

Hey, I can cry!

And fully swivel
my rotator cuff!

Thanks, Uncle
Pete! You fixed me!

- Annie, the force of your
sorrow is too powerful.

I never thought I'd say this,

but maybe when it
comes to crying,

just because you can
doesn't mean you should.

- Kinda like how they
brought back the dinosaurs

in Jurassic Park.

- Never again!

Never! Cry! Again!
Little girl.

[ Door slams ]

- He's right, Annie.
- Of course.

Haha. It was silly of me to
take up space with my emotions.

- Yeah, and pretty messy, too!

Now, since, Baba and Trophy
don't get out of jail

for another week, who's down
for a half-price slide and slip?

- Over here.
[ Should creaks ]

But I might need a push.

- ♪ You say you cut your bangs

♪ I'm calling your bluff

♪ When you lie to me,
it's in the small stuff ♪

♪ You say you cut your bangs

♪ I'm calling your bluff

♪ When you lie to me,
it's in the small stuff ♪