01x03 - Dudley Gets Shot

[bunniefuu]

- You know,

I remember being a kid,

and you'd watch

your favorite show in the '80s,

and they'd always have

this very special episode.

It was, like,

the one serious episode

of "Diff'rent Strokes"

or whatever,

where something happened

to Dudley.

You're a kid watching

a f*cking sitcom.

I wanna see Arnold.

I wanna see, "What you

talkin' 'bout, Willis,"

and, like, "Nope.

Today we're, talking about

getting molested, kids."

Well, this

is that episode for me.

You gotta understand,

a pandemic is just

one more thing for us.

There's a lot of pandemics

for n*gg*s.

[g*nshots and shouting]

- Get down!

[tires squeal]

[people screaming]

- Yo, you all right?

You all right? You good?

- Bro, I think I'm shot.

- Aw, f*ck.

- I don't wanna die, man.

- You're not gonna die.

You're not gonna die.

I'm gonna call an ambulance

right now.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

Don't call the ambulance.

Don't.

- Why not?

- They're gonna charge me,

like, $8,000.

f*ck that.

- What? n*gga, you got shot.

- I know, but me and my lady

trying to get this house.

I don't want that

on my credit right now.

Just call a Lyft. Trust me.

- Are you sure?

- Yes.

It's gonna be faster.

- All right, all right,

all right, whatever, whatever.

- They just caught me slipping

and tried to assassinate me

on Grand Street.

- Yeah, I know man.

You're gonna be all right,

though, man.

- My boy calling a Lyft

'cause the ambulance gonna

take too slow.

That's a real n*gga

right there.

- n*gga,

who are you talking to?

- My Live.

- Why are you

on Live right now?

Don't put me on, man.

What's wrong with you?

- I got 34 people watching.

That's the most I ever had.

- 34?

- Yeah, lookit.

Remember Porsche?

- Yeah.

- Look. She in there.

What's up?

- I am helping him right now.

- You know how we do. [laughs]

[spacey guitar music building]

♪

[pensive bass line]

- No matter

how hard you try ♪

You can't stop me now ♪

[light music]

[gavel banging]

- Now, before we start

this town hall meeting,

I just wanna take

a moment to acknowledge

all the fine townspeople

we've lost this past year,

far too soon,

for reasons

beyond any of our control.

It's a damn shame.

We thought it would be

a nice gesture

to keep their memories alive

with this short video tribute.

- These masks are literally

the work of Satan,

and every single one of you

obeying the devil's laws

is gonna be arrested by God.

- I will remember you ♪

- More people die

from a regular flu every year

than from COVID.

- Will you remember me? ♪

- The mask makes you breathe in

your own carbon monoxide!

- Don't let your life

pass you by ♪

- There's a little thing

in this country

called the Constitution!

- Weep not

for the memories ♪

- I can't see anybody's

face anymore.

I can't tell if

a baby is smiling at me!

- Weep not for ♪

The memories ♪

- Okay.

First order.

We have a motion

to make masks mandatory.

[people shouting]

Order!

Order!

[bangs gavel]

Order!

[shouting continues]

[bellowing] Order!

- Could you imagine

that there's people out there

who would rather die

than deal with the consequences

of having a high hospital bill?

They're more worried

that they have to pay

for this f*cking ambulance

than that they might die

in this moment.

Isn't that f*cking crazy?

- Jesus Christ.

[laughs]

I never thought

I'd say this on this show,

but I think I'm gonna have

to take

the cop's side on this one,

Wil.

I don't think that's

a likely scenario.

[laughs]

- Yo, yo, the Lyft's here.

The Lyft's here, yo.

Act like you're not shot.

- All right. All right, cool.

Cool. Cool.

[grunts]

[groans] Walk straight.

- So just act like

you're good.

Just shut up, man.

- Lyft for Michael?

- Yeah, yeah.

We just going

to the hospital right quick.

- Yeah,

just run all the lights.

- Is he okay?

- Yeah, yeah.

He's all right, man.

He just feels a little sick.

That's all.

- Hey, man, he's not going

to sh*t or puke in my car?

- No, man. He's fine.

- Just open the door!

- Then why are you holding

your stomach like that?

- I got shot!

- What? Call an ambulance.

- We can't call an ambulance,

man.

- I'm trying to get a house.

- [sympathetically] Oh.

You can't have

all that on your credit.

both: Yeah.

- Okay.

- Okay.

- Get in. But!

Put your masks on first.

- We don't got masks.

- You've got to wear a mask

if you want to be in here.

- Open the f*cking door, man.

- It's mandated!

People are dying.

- Oh, my God.

I'm shot!

- Uh-uh!

- He's dying now.

- No ride without a mask.

- Now what, man?

I'm gonna die out here.

- No, man,

you ain't gonna die.

Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna call Calvin now.

- Why?

- Because he gets shot

all the time.

He's gonna know what to do.

- n*gga, I can't help y'all.

I just did 11 years.

I ain't trying to go

back for no bullshit.

Yo, take the train

or something.

- The train?

The--he's shot, man.

He could die on the platform.

- Man, that ain't my problem.

I'm an entrepreneur now.

I'm making workout videos.

- What?

- Oh, matter of fact, when

you guys are done with that,

you need to come holler at me.

I got, like,

three clients over here now.

sh*t is litty.

- Calvin, what the f*ck

are you talking about, man?

This n*gga's gonna die.

- Yo, I'ma die out here.

It's a wrap for me.

Don't unfollow me!

- You're not gonna die.

- Calvin, this n*gga

is gonna die, man.

What the f*ck are you doing?

Please help us.

- [laughs]

Let's go!

- I don't know if this

is just a New York thing,

but there's always n*gg*s

just doing pull-ups

on the light poles

and on "don't walk" signs

and sh*t.

They use bricks for dumbbells,

two gallons of water.

They will work out on anything.

That's when you know

the hood is ruined,

when white girls

are doing pull-ups

on stop signs.

Then you're like,

"It's time to move.

Rent's going up soon."

[lasers sh**t]

- My name is Calvin.

And I'm here to get

your body in shape

by Calvin!

- Body's by Calvin.

- [barks]

- The latest

urban workout craze

taking the industry by storm.

- I started working out

when I was locked away

in, uh, college.

So I was thinking to myself,

"Why not become

a personal trainer to women?"

- Calvin's workout combines

high-impact squats

with intense stretching

and massaging

to target

all your problem areas.

See how flat that a*s is?

Now, that's a problem.

- I told him my goal

was to lose 20 pounds,

and he asked me,

"What do you wanna lose

that for?

That's the Gucci."

So far we've just done

a bunch of stretching

which is fine by me.

- Right, ladies,

now we're gonna do the shank.

all: Shank! Shank! Shank!

- b*tch!

- And yo, you can cancel

that expensive gym membership

because Calvin's

one-on-one workouts

will get you the results

you're looking for

in the comfort

of his sister's apartment.

- That's it.

You can get

one-on-one service

or one-on-two service

with me and my boy

from college, Cliff.

- What up, y'all?

- He's not built,

but he used to be.

So he knows what to do.

- That's a fact.

- How much you think all this

training costs?

$200?

$100? Not even close.

It costs $800.

- I just wanted to tone

my upper body a little bit,

but Calvin said

the only thing wrong with me

is that I don't have a donk.

So he has me doing

a ton of squats,

and then we stretch

while Cliff takes video.

- Reach.

Reach for freedom.

I'm tired of you ladies

on these dangerous diets.

You need to eat real food,

like lasagna, oxtail,

chicken parm.

Then you do squats.

That's how you get the cake.

- I showed up

to Calvin's workout class

with a jacket around my waist

and he told me

not to do that anymore,

said he couldn't see nothing.

I told him

I'd rather leave it on,

and he asked me to leave.

- Do you feel bad

about your body?

Well, come show it to me.

I guarantee you,

I'm gonna make you feel good

about your body

in just six weeks.

Just six weeks. [chuckles]

'Cause we ain't trying

to stay in nothing long term.

- That's a fact.

- Yeah, because--

I think n*gg*s think

that books are only in jail.

[crew laughing]

[laughs] They're like,

"You don't know

what this sh*t is.

n*gga, this is like TV,

but slower and in your mind."

You're like, "A book?

Yeah, sure.

I know what that is."

I can't believe that Calvin

did us dirty like that, man.

Just left us f*ck' hanging.

You all right, man?

- Yo

I think I see Pop Smoke, yo.

- n*gga, you not dying, man.

- No, no.

Right there.

- [chuckles] n*gga do kinda

look like Pop Smoke.

- Yo.

If I die,

promise me something.

- You're not gonna die, man.

Stop talking like that.

- But if I do,

promise me

you will not let Alex draw me.

- Draw you?

- Yo, every time he do a mural

of somebody dead,

they ain't got no hands.

He don't know

how to draw hands.

They hands in they pocket

or they holding something.

- Well,

hands is hard to airbrush.

But where are you

getting that, man?

- He stinks, man.

I want Tony drawing my mural.

His shits be fire.

And tell him to make

my earrings shine bright.

And give me

that "Dragon Ball Z" hair.

- That would be kind of dope.

- That sh*t be fire.

- You ain't gotta worry

about that, man.

You ain't getting a mural

because you're gonna make it,

man.

We're almost at Mount Holyoke

right now.

- The fancy hospital?

No, man, no.

Take me to Tubman's.

- Tubman's?

You trying to die?

That sh*t is ghetto as hell.

- But they way cheaper.

A hospital is a hospital, bro.

- I don't know

about Tubman's, man.

It's weird to say

that something

is a Black hospital, because

I don't think Black people

own hospitals.

When they say "Black hospital,"

they just mean

"a hospital that

Black people go to," you know?

Like, Black neighborhood.

We all renting.

A lot of nurses and doctors

like to work in Black hospitals

because they get

to see more trauma.

It's f*cked up.

A Black hospital is, like,

where you learn how

to take care of white people.

[laughter]

We're like frogs

in the 6th grade, man.

They just practicing

on us and sh*t.

[emotional music]

[distant overlapping voices

and devices beeping]

- Mr. Williams.

How are you feeling today?

- Um, nervous.

- Nervous?

Let me guess.

It's your first prostate exam.

- Yeah.

- Listen

[clears throat]

Brother to brother

you got nothing to worry about.

- If you say so.

- I get that it's scary

and it definitely doesn't seem

like the most masculine thing

in the world,

but that's why a lot of us

don't get checked out

and end up very sick.

See, prostate health

is very important at our age.

So you gotta learn

to move past that fear.

And it's a, uh, big step

that you're making this

effort,

definitely.

- Yeah.

- So, first,

I want you to take off

your pants and your underwear.

Bend over that bench.

♪

- I guess

- Oh, wait! Okay.

What the f*ck are you doing?

- I'm taking my pants off,

like you just said.

- I--I see that,

but I'm still in the room.

You don't see me?

- Yeah, but I'm confused.

I thought you was

about to do the exam.

- I'm trying to,

if you'll let me finish.

- I don't know

what's going on.

You said put the pants down.

That's what I'm doing.

- So after I leave the room,

I want you to take

your pants off,

bend over that bench,

then you're going to wet

your right index finger

and put it as far as you can

up your an*s.

You should feel a little--

- Wait. Wait a minute.

You want me to do it?

- I don't see nobody else

in here.

- But you're the doctor!

- You thought I was here

to stick my finger

in your a*s

[chuckling]

And you signed up for that?

What you on, bro?

- You know what, man?

Forget it.

- Oh--

- Forget it.

- No, no, let's not forget it.

Angie! Come in here.

- Everything okay, Doctor?

- Hell, no.

This nasty-a*s n*gga thought

I was finna

stick my finger in his booty.

- [gasps] Ew!

He look like he weird, too.

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, if I'm gonna do it

by myself,

what the f*ck

am I paying you for?

- Oh.

- Whoa, whoa.

My man.

Don't do that.

Don't get c*ck, okay?

I am a f*cking

medical professional.

I make high six figures.

I own two vacation properties.

I drive a G-Wagon.

I have a beautiful wife

and I'm tapping

beautiful b*tches on the side.

- [cracks gum]

- Ain't no amount of money

can pay me to finger you.

- You need to f*ck him up, Doc.

- Mm-hmm.

- And who are you?

- Oh, I'm Patrice.

- That's just Angie's friend

Patrice.

- Why are you filming me?

- This for my Live. Yeah.

Y'all,

look at this nasty-a*s n*gga

trying to get fingered

by a doctor.

[laughter]

- I am not!

- [laughs]

- Stop filming me, yo.

- Are you crazy?

It's 32 people up in this live.

- Finger-in-the-booty-a*s

n*gga.

- Calvin is ready.

He's ready to get

this workout--

♪

- Yo, when I die,

if any ugly b*tches

try to post me on the 'Gram,

I want you to comment.

I want you to be like, "Yo,

he didn't even f*ck with you

like that for real,"

especially Nicole.

I don't want n*gg*s

to think I smash.

- But you did smash.

- So?

I don't want n*gg*s

to think I did.

- Stop talking like that, man.

You not gonna die.

- But don't you ever think

sh*t like this happens

for a reason, bro?

Like, maybe it's just my time.

- You're gonna make it, man.

- Everybody get poked.

It might just be

my time to go, man.

I don't know.

I'm just tired.

[exhales]

- Kev, you ain't going out

like that.

- Hey.

Hey!

- What?

- Look.

- No.

- There's a pandemic out here,

and it's people like you

that's making sh*t worse

for everybody else.

- Hey, man,

I'm not looking over there.

Just stop talking to us.

- Why? Because I'm homeless?

- No, because

you butt-a*s naked.

- You just don't get it.

Germs don't care about

how much money you make

or what color we are

or who's butt-a*s naked.

Germs only care

about one thing: masks.

- Doesn't make any sense, man.

- Hey, he's right.

You two

should be wearing masks.

- You know something?

You're putting every

single one of us in danger.

- Thank you.

- I just got shot, everybody.

- Okay, and that's your right.

But not wearing a mask is like

you sh**ting all of us.

- Yup. That's right.

- Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

She said it.

[applause]

- Look, we don't have masks.

- I got extra.

- If you don't get

that nasty sh*t away from me.

- It may not be brand new,

but it still works.

- Where did you

even pull that from?

- My pocket.

- You're not wearing clothes,

man.

- And why are y'all worried

about us, okay?

Y'all are wearing masks,

so y'all should be fine.

- White privilege

strikes again.

- Hey, do we look white to you?

- Well, yeah, white.

- Yeah.

Refusing to wear a mask

makes you a Karen.

- You are worse than a Karen.

- Let's post these Karens

on my Live.

- Yeah.

- Where did he pull

that phone from?

[downtrodden music]

- When you feel like

this is how you could die

That becomes

what your priority is.

Like, I think a lot of people

in the Black community

don't take COVID seriously

because they don't believe that

that's how they're gonna die.

Even if

they've seen it happen--

I've seen it happen.

It's happened in my family.

I've seen some--

I've lost somebody to COVID,

and it doesn't feel real.

But a m*therf*cker getting shot

seems very real,

seems very likely,

and I bet there's

a lot of people

who are afraid of COVID

who don't even consider

that they could possibly

be gunned down somewhere

when there's m*therf*ckers

in inner cities

all over this country

that can't imagine a scenario

where they're not

shot to death.

[medical devices beeping,

overlapping voices]

- "Cut this, suture this."

Ooh.

[exhales]

- Doc, is he okay?

- Oh.

Ooh.

I'm so sorry.

I, um

don't know how to say this,

but

I don't remember

who you brought here.

- Kevin. Kevin Jones.

- Right, right, right,

right, right.

Mr. Jones.

- Yeah.

- g*nsh*t, right?

- Yes.

- Abdomen, right?

- Yes, abdomen.

- Ah.

So sorry; I mean,

it's been a crazy night.

Have you ever went

a whole day without eating?

I mean, I--

- Is he okay?

- No. He's dead.

If you would have gotten him

here sooner, maybe.

Hey,

the cops will probably ask,

but did you happen

to see who shot him?

- No.

They were

they were wearing masks.

I

- Oh! That's good.

I'm so proud of our city

being so careful

during this pandemic.

Oh, speaking of which

Yeah, um

you have to wear this

if you wanna be in here.

It's not brand new,

but still works.

Yeah.

Um, sorry for your loss.

[exhales]

- I will remember you ♪

Will you remember me? ♪

Don't let your life ♪

Pass you by ♪

Weep not for ♪

The memories ♪

Na-na, na-na ♪

Weep not for ♪

The memories ♪

- You ever had

a g*n pulled out on you?

- Yes, I have.

- When you grow up in New York

and you getting robbed,

you can't be crying,

you know what I'm saying?

- Because you cry,

you know what I'm saying--

'cause there might be someone

in the hood that's robbing

you,

you know what I'm saying,

and then he'll go back.

- Wil, Wil.

I know what you're saying.

You can just tell the story.

- I mean, no big deal,

you know what I'm saying?

It's like

- No.

I know what you're--that's

what I'm trying to tell you.

I know what you're saying.

You don't have to say,

"You know what I'm saying"

every time.

- It's more like a comma,

you know what I'm saying?