02x02 - Clyde & Clyde, Pt 1

[bunniefuu]

Dawg, you better not
f*ck this interview up, alright?

Tell me what you're gonna say.

- Fine. How about, "Hi, my name's Julio
and I've lost the will to live,

but also can I get a job?"

Oh, I'm all f*ck' sad.

- Shut up.

- Hey, but for real,
I talked you up earlier, alright?

So just as long as you don't tell John

that you think Roger Moore
is the best James Bond,

you should be good.

- Man, f*ck James Bond.
I'm on that John Wick sh*t.

- Dawg, do not bring up
John Wick to that fool.

I'm serious.

Alright.

Hey, OG.

This is my cousin I was telling you about.

Hey, what the f*ck is all this?

- The landlord sold
the building to developers

and ended my lease.

The best suit store in LA
is gonna be turned into

luxury condominiums
owned by Chinese billionaires.

- Damn.

Hey, uh,

I'm sorry, John.

Oh, don't worry about me, young blood.

Everything happens for a reason,

especially in this city.

Ohh, LA can be a cruel mistress.

One day, she's giving you fellatio

in a bathroom stall at Dodger Stadium.

The next, she's stealing your wallet
on Hollywood Boulevard.

But I wouldn't trade
living in this great city

for nothing in the world.

- So, what are you gonna do now, OG?

- Get the hell outta this rotten town.

I can't afford to live in this trash heap.

I'm going to where the grass is greener

and the rent is cheaper.

Detroit.

Goodbye, Luis.

And good luck to both of y'all.

- f*ck.

I'm unemployed.

I'm a f*ck' bum like you are.

- Don't worry about it, playboy.

We'll find jobs tomorrow.

Today, we ain't got no jobs,
we ain't got sh*t to do.

Let's go get f*cked up.

- Alright then, f*ck it.

Damn.

It's alright.

- Hey, fool, we gotta pick up
my lady real quick.

- Damn, dawg.

It's been three weeks
and you're already sprung.

- Yeah.

You know what?
You're a bitter-a*s hater.

- Nah, you're just
being that annoying fool

that invites his lady
to kick it with the homeys.

- Oh, I'm sorry, did you want
a little more one-on-one time with me?

I get it, fool, you want me
all to yourself, huh?

Well, then give me some casco.

Come on, real quick.

- Get off of me, dumbass.

- Hurry up. Let's go.

- Oh, let's get the f*ck outta here!

sh*t.

Get the f*ck outta my way, b*tch!

Erika!

Erika!

f*ck.

- Hey, Muhammad.

Why you got a liquor store
if you can't drink?

- My name is not Muhammad.

- Man, shut yo a*s up, Muhammad.

- I hate this f*ck' city.

- Ooh, I know what I want.

- You f*ck with sour cream and onions?
Yeah.

- Damn, your breath's gonna be all nasty.

- You like it, though.
- Yeah, I do.

- You two disgust me.

Oh, shut up, Julio.

You look like you like oven-baked chips.

- Luis, you're gonna let your lady
talk to me like that?

- Hey, my lady can speak for herself.

- Yeah, that's right.

But also I am not his lady.

- What do you mean you're not my lady?

- What do you mean what do I mean?

We've only been kicking it
for like three weeks.

Yeah, but I mean,
we're like exclusive and sh*t, right?

Like you're not gonna go to Norway
and smash on some big-a*s Viking fool?

Are you?
I don't know, am I?

What the f*ck?

Everyone on the f*cking ground.

She got married to Julio Teambién?

Hey.
Huh?

- I said get the f*ck on the ground.

You f*ck' deaf?

- Hey, homey,
you better ask f*cking nicely.

- Luis, get the f*ck down.

- Alright, I'll get down
but only outta respect for my lady.

- I am not your lady.

- Ruby, g*dd*mn.

- Hey, both of you shut the f*ck up.

You, Muhammad,
where the f*ck's the piece at?

Where's the p*stol?

My name is not Muhammad.

No p*stol.

- Back up!

Lie to me again,

and I'll blow you f*ck' away
with your own p*stol.

Get the f*ck back here
and get on the ground.

f*ck.

Hey, you.
Danny Trejo-lookin' fool, get up.

Huh?
Come on.

- What?
- Come on, get up.

- Oh, no. Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

- f*ck!

- Hey!

I got hostages.

Anybody tries to come in, I start
k*lling m*therf*ckers, you hear me?

- I got a shot.

f*ck. f*ck' safety.

What the hell are you doing?

Put your f*ck' g*n down, Rookie.

We gotta call for backup.

We hear you loud and clear.

No one's coming in there. Okay?

Just don't hurt anybody.
- Don't k*ll me.

- Come on, let's go.

Ah, f*ck.

Oh, f*ck!

Are you f*cking filming me?

This isn't TikTok.
Give me your f*ck' phone.

- Why? The cops are already here.

- Shut up.

Damn, you all dramatic and sh*t.

You like a amateur, huh?

- Do I look like a f*cking amateur to you?

- Kinda.

How much you wanna bet I'ma escape?

- Uh--

Whatever.

Everybody give me your f*ck' phones.

- I'ma die a f*ck' hostage.

Dude, shut the f*ck up.

Nothing's gonna happen as long as
you m*therf*ckers don't try anything.

Hey. Don't worry.

I can be your hero, baby.

I don't need you to be my hero.

Just don't get us k*lled.

I appreciate what you're saying,

but it's kinda hard
to tell a hero not to be a hero.

- Get off me.

...please record your message.

- Erika. Baby, where are you?

sh*t got f*cked up but, uh,
I'm at a liquor store right now

and I got some hostages,
but I'm gonna get outta here

and, uh, I'll meet you at the spot, okay?

Uh, just, you know, call me back.

And te amo.

Uh, who's Erika?

- She's my f*ck' Bonnie
and I'm her Clyde.

This bank was supposed to be our last lick
and we were gonna head out to Costa Rica

but sh*t got f*cked up
and I gotta get the f*ck outta here.

Hey. Muhammad, any other exits?

- No.

- Isn't that a f*cking code violation?

- Isn't bank robbery a crime?

- Oh, you got jokes, huh?

- Stop. Just turn yourself in now
before it gets too crazy.

Right? It's just armed robbery.

Even if you get like ten years,

you'll probably get out in five
for good behavior.

And you seem like a well-behaved homey.

- I am not going back to f*cking prison.

I am going to Costa Rica!

- Uh, but you don't got a plan.

- I got a plan.

- You don't look like you got a plan.

- Well, eh-- Fine.

Everybody get up.

Get up!

Alright.

Here's my plan.

We're gonna rush those f*ck' pigs.

Huh?

Yeah, I'm gonna countdown from five,

and we're gonna go out there
and we're gonna f*ck' rush 'em.

- What the f*ck?
That's the LAPD, homey.

Those fools are gonna just start blasting.

- There's only two
of those juras out there, man.

They can't f*ck' k*ll us all.

f*ck!

Alright, uh--

Look, the longer we wait,
the more cops are gonna show up.

So, everybody get in line
and let's-let's do this.

Come on, let's go.
You up front, let's go.

- Alright.
Come on!

Vámonos pues.

Come on.

Okay, alright. Okay.

Alright. Okay, here we go.

Ready?

Five,

four,

three...

...two.

one--
- Ask for a plane.

- The f*ck did you just say?

- Ask for a plane.

You have hostages.

You've got the power here.

Let's get the f*ck outta this city.

f*ck LA, dawg.

We can all go to Costa Rica together.

Hey, this is how you get back to Erika.

I'm telling you, ask for a plane.

- You're right. You're right.

We're gonna get a f*cking plane, huh?
Right.

Yeah. Yeah!
- I'm gonna get a f*ck' plane.

- Let's get a f*ck' plane.
- Let's get a f*ck' plane.

Hey, shut the f*ck up. Be right back.

- What the f*ck?

- Please help me.

He's gonna f*ck' k*ll me, he's crazy.

But you fools know what?

He can probably be reasoned with.

Alright, listen up.

I want a plane to take me
wherever I wanna go.

Should we ask for anything else?

- Maybe a pizza.

We're gonna get hungry.

- You're smart as f*ck, dawg.

Hey. And a pizza.

I want a pizza and a plane.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Look, we wanna give you
everything you want, okay?

But we're just lowly policemen.

And this situation
is way above our pay grade.

What you need is a negotiator.

- Well, okay then
give me a f*ck' negotiator.

Okay.

But you gotta do something for us first.

How about, uh,

how about you give us a hostage?

- Isn't this negotiating?

- Well, how would I know that?

I'm not a negotiator.

- Oh, f*ck.

- I'm mad because I got this
pepper spray app on my phone

but he got the phone,
so we can't even use it.

We need to distract him--

- What's good with your boy?

Luis, what the f*ck are you doing?

- Getting warmed up.

When they come back in,
I'll tackle that fool

and you guys walk outta here, alright?

Then I'll beat his a*s
and walk outta here myself.

Done. Easy.

You're welcome.

- Yo, my baby brother's
bigger than you and he's 13.

- So, what the f*ck you trying to say?

- Luis, it's just
that he-he just looks really muscular.

Right?
- So the f*ck what?

Muscles ain't sh*t
when you got what I have.

And that's density.

- What the f*ck are you talking about?

- Look, I'm low to the ground already,

so I get good balance
and I'm dense as f*ck,

like a bowling ball.

Try to move me.

- Bowling ba*ls are easy to move.
That's what they do.

- Alright, a f*ck' boulder then.
Go ahead, try it!

Yo, what the f*ck? I wasn't ready!

- The women are right.

You are weak and you're short.

- Luis, listen, listen.

We need to think of a better plan

than you just trying to beat him up, okay?

- So, you don't think
I could take him, huh?

- Honestly? No.

- Wow.

Okay then, it's settled.

We'll get you that negotiator
soon as you give us a hostage.

- Alright, it's a deal.

But then I wanna start talking about
my plane and my pizza.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anything you want.

I mean, we're on your side.

- Alright. Let's go, come on.

- Wow.

This guy's a f*ck' idiot.

He might actually give us a hostage.

- Hey, Sarge.

I think if I hide over there
next time he comes out,

I can get a clean shot.

Oh, yeah?

Can I give you some advice, Rook?

- Yeah.

- Don't be a hero.

That's how people get k*lled.

- With all due respect, Sarge,

I didn't join the force
just to stand around and do nothing.

- You wanna do something?

- Yeah.

Alright, here.

Why don't you put up some yellow tape?

The citizens of Los Angeles
paid a lot of money for that yellow tape.

Good money.

It's our duty to put it up.

Go serve and protect, young man.

- Alright, one of you lucky m*therf*ckers
is gonna get to leave.

So, who's it gonna be?

Icka, bicka, soda, cra--

Hey, where's the little homey?
I'm not that little, homey.

- Oh, sh*t.

- Bye, b*tch.

I told y'all I was gonna escape.

Whoo!

I'm a hostage, don't f*ck' sh**t.

Hey, hey, hey, big dawg.

Take a joke, alright?

I was just testing your center of gravity,

and you're dense as f*ck.

You should be proud.

- You're a f*ck' dead man.

- No, no, no, no!
Don't sh**t him, don't sh**t him.

We have to give up a hostage anyway.

And this f*ck' idiot's my cousin.

- Your cousin?

Hey, whose side are you on, man?

You m*therf*ckers plan this sh*t?
- No, no, no. I'm on your side.

Look, playboy.

Oh, f*ck!

You f*ck' b*tch.

- We need these hostages alive.

- You're crazy as f*ck, huh?

I like it.

Alright.

Tie this little m*therf*cker up then.

- Come on, get your a*s up.

Get your a*s up.

- I don't know
what your plan is, but I don't like it.

- Hey, I just saved your dumb a*s.

You coulda got everyone k*lled.

- Yeah, but you didn't
have to f*ck' sock me.

Hey, qué te dije?

I told you not to do that sh*t.

That's what you get.

- Oh, so I personally free a hostage
and now I'm getting punished for it?

This isn't how heroes should be treated.

Oh, sh*t.

Erika.

...eastbound 10...
- It's Erika.

...where inside this white SUV

are a man and a woman

who just this morning
robbed a bank in downtown Los Angeles.

The Internet is abuzz with this couple

whom everyone is now referring to
as Bonnie and Clyde.

- What the f*ck?

They're not Bonnie and Clyde.
I'm f*cking Clyde.

- Hey. I thought it was just
you and Erika. Who's that other fool?

It's me, Erika, and my road dog, Ernie.

He's our getaway driver.

You know, he's... he's our third wheel.

We're like a f*ck' tricycle.

I-I gotta call Erika and figure out
what the f*ck is going on, man.

- How'd you guys get separated anyways?

- It was an accident.

We came outta the bank at the same time
and Erika got in the car first

and then f*ck' Ernie peeled out
before I got a chance to get in.

He got like spooked or something.

- Why, were the cops sh**ting at you?

- No, no, they hadn't shown up yet.

Just, you know, Ernie's--

I don't know.

Your call has been forwarded--

- Huh.
Rang twice and went to voicemail.

...at the tone.

Hmm.

- And what's this "hmm" about?

- I don't know, it just seems like
she sent you to voice mail.

- Or maybe her f*ck' phone's dead.

- If her phone was dead,
it would've gone straight to voicemail,

but it rang twice.

So--

- Ah, sh*t.

- You trusted your woman with another man?

- f*ck' of course I trust Ernie.

They're just friends.

Matter of fact,
they hang out all the time.

Sometimes I don't even have to be around
for them to hang out.

They're just friends.

- You, my friend, are a cuckold.

Yeah, dawg.

I hate to be a bad news bear,

but they're probably smashing right now.

- They're f*cking driving.

So?

You ever heard of road head?

- I was right there.

He just had to wait an extra second
to let me in, but

they f*ck' left me.

What the f*ck am I gonna do now?

- k*ll yourself, you coward.

- Nah, nah, nah, dawg.
Just turn yourself in, alright?

I served my time, got out,
got my f*cking life together.

Even have a new lady now.

- Not your lady.

- Alright, f*ck' fine, whatever.

All I'm saying is
prison ain't that bad, homey.

You get to read books and sh*t.

Just turn yourself in.

Maybe you're right.

Erika left me.

I ain't got no reason to be out here.

- No.
Stick to the plan.

We can still get outta here.

- Julio, what the f*ck?

- No, yeah, for real.

What's your f*ck' deal?

- Dawg, I just found out
my ex-lady got married

to some loser with my same name.

My Bonnie betrayed me, too.

- So, Maggie married some other fool, huh?

That's why you've been acting
so f*ck' crazy.

- Shut up, Luis.

Dawg, I'm the only m*therf*cker in here

who really knows
what you're going through, okay?

f*ck your Bonnie.
f*ck my Bonnie.

f*ck all the Bonnies in the world.

We can still get outta here together.

You and me, dawg.

Clyde and Clyde.

You with me?

Come on.

- f*ck it.

I'm in.

- Julio, I swear to God,
I'm gonna f*ck you up!

- Shut up, b*tch!

Hey, they probably
got our negotiator by now.

Let's go out there
and get that f*ck' plane.

- You're right.
- Alright.

- Go, come on, let's go.

- Hey, put the g*n to my head.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

- And let's make it look real this time.

Life's a stage, playboy.

- Look at you. Alright, okay.

Oh, I'm gonna f*cking k*ll you.
Alright, let's go.

Who the f*ck wants it?

- Oh, so now you're that fool's lady?

- Do you wanna get outta here or not?

- f*ck.

- So where the f*ck is my negotiator?

Hey!

Mr. Negotiator here.

What can I negotiate for you?

- Isn't that the same guy from earlier?

- Yeah, yeah, aren't you
the same guy from earlier?

- No. What?

I'm a different guy.

I'm from New York City.

The Big Apple.

But you can probably tell from my voice.

Ohh!

- You know what, dawg,
I've been to New York once.

He sounds pretty legit.

- Well, okay.

I don't know if you've heard,

but I want a plane and a pizza.

Just a plane and a pizza?

Easy peasy lemon squeezy.

Yeah, you just give us a hostage
and we'll get those right over to you.

Bada bing, bada boom.
- Goddammit.

You know what? f*ck you!

I'm not giving you sh*t
until you give me what I want.

- You know what?

You drive a hard bargain, my friend,
but fair enough.

You just hang tight, alright?

But listen, between you and me,

you shoulda held up a liquor store
in New York City.

It's the only place
you're gonna find good pizza.

But I'll see what I can do.

I'll see what I can do.

It's the moozadell.

It's all in the mooza--

Damn, dawg,
that negotiator sucks at negotiating.

Hey. The f*ck are you doing?

- Your-your phone was on the ground
'cause you threw it at my head

so I was just putting it here
with the other phones, okay?

Yeah, but also,
can we please get our phones back?

We're bored as hell.

- Yeah, go ahead.

- Alright, you can give
everybody their phones back.

But, hey, sit the f*ck back down.

- Hey, give me my phone.
Sit your a*s down.

Hey, hey! Look at you.

You get to be a hero today
after all, huh, Rook?

- What are we waiting for?
When are we gonna get in there?

- You really don't get it, huh?

I got two words for you, Rook.

It's called O-T.

You like money, right?

Well, we need this situation
to last as long as possible.

I got a new deck I gotta build, buddy.

Johnson's getting a divorce.

And he's at fault, poor b*stard.

We all need buttloads of cash

and none of us know
how the stock market works.

- He has hostages in there.

He's gonna k*ll them.

- Aw, what about the hostages?

I'm a little baby who's also a cop.

Pew, pew, pew.

What do you think is gonna happen
if we barge in there right now, Rook?

Some of those hostages are gonna get shot.

They'll pin it on us,
they'll sue the city,

and we'll be riding a desk.

So, keep your rookie mouth shut

and start thinking about
where you wanna spend your OT money, huh?

Maybe on some diapies.

For your bum-bum.

I think he's mad.

Police have blocked off

entrances and exits to the 10.

This event is causing
major traffic jams across the city.

Forget about
Brad and Jen getting back together.

This Bonnie and Clyde situation
has turned into

the love story of the year.

Wow, the speed is unbelievable.

- Dawg, Erika just text me.

- What she say?

- "I'm sorry I couldn't answer your call.

"f*cking cops are chasing us.

"Didn't mean to leave you behind.

"I love you so much, baby.

I'm still your Bonnie,
you're still my Clyde."

Aha! I knew it. Okay.

- Wait. Wait, wait, wait.
Dawg, what are you texting?

Don't text back a crazy long paragraph.

Play it cool.

One line sentences.

No periods, alright?

You don't wanna come off thirsty, alright?

- Alright, alright. Yeah.

Catch you...
- Oh, sh*t.

Now my ex is texting me.

- Oh, w-- What the f*ck is she saying?

- "Hey, I know
we haven't talked in a while

"and you probably saw
on Instagram that I got married

"but I think I made a huge mistake.

I can't stop thinking about you"?

- Damn, dawg,
what are you gonna write back?

- You know what?
I'm just gonna give her the thumbs up.

I'm gonna play it cool.

- Smart boy.

Oh. Uh, okay.

The plan is still on.

We're gonna meet in Costa Rica.

All I gotta do is get outta here

and she misses my big d*ck.

That's nice.

- Oh, sh*t.

Now my ex is texting about my big d*ck.

Oh, no way.

- Hey, dawg, they say
it's all about the motion in the ocean

but doesn't hurt to have a big-a*s boat.

- Ahh.

I knew there was a reason
that we were homeys.

Let's see.

- "I want to be yours forever angel baby"?

Maggie don't talk like that.

It's Ruby!

She's the one texting us.

Sonny, behind you! The g*n!

- Oops.