01x09 - The vag*na Monologue

[bunniefuu]

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(TALI) Hi, guys.

Hello, every.. Oh, Margie.

- (MARGIE) Hi.
- Howzit, guys. Hi.

Oh wow. This feels so good.

Hello.

Guys, my name's Tali Shapiro.

For those of you who don't know me,
I'm the class mom.

Do you mind if I sit here?

(TALI) SINCE MONIQUE'S vag*na
WENT VIRAL

IN MOMS' WHATSAPP GROUPS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY,

I'VE REALLY HAD TO STEP UP
AS CLASS MOM.

I know that Monique probably wasn't
the best class mom.

I know that she wasn't.

She probably never even
came to the classroom

and connected with you guys.

Margie, wouldn't you be a sweetheart
and make me a flat white?

- Thank you.
- Uh...

- What about some instant?
- Oh no.

Maybe you could just run down
and get me one?

YOU KNOW, AND IT'S NOT LIKE
I CAN CALL HER UP

AND ASK HER ABOUT THE ROLE,

BECAUSE SHE'S BASICALLY
DISAPPEARED INTO THE ETHER.

SHAME.

(TALI) There are a few changes that
we're gonna have to make around here.

Beep-beep.

I know that you guys can embrace it.

'Cause you're teachers.
You've got beautiful minds.

You know, I just think we can
run things a bit better.

Aesthetically and otherwise.

Starting with this
funny little tablecloth.

Don't know whose idea that was?

And the felt.

I mean, when I walked in here, guys,
I was blinded by that primary blue.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S FOR THE BETTER.

MONIQUE COULDN'T CONTINUE TO RULE
AS CLASS MOM AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.

(TALI) We need the staff room
to feel like a.. spa.

Because you guys are stressed out
being teachers, aren't you?

But nothing is more stressful
than being class mom.

I am stressed out. Do you know how
much magnesium I'm having to take?

A lot. A thousand milligrams.

You guys are dealing with the kids,
I'm dealing with the parents.

THIS SCHOOL IS FINALLY FREE.

WELL NOT THAT KIND OF FREE.

IT IS HONESTLY THE MOST EXPENSIVE
SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY.

(TALI) HOWZIT, GUYS? IT'S ME, TALI.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M A JOBURG GIRL
LIVING IN CAPE TOWN,

BUT NOW I'M MOVING BACK HOME
WITH THE FAM.

- Everybody say "Jozi"!
- (ALL) Jozi!

(TALI) THIS IS MY BABY,
THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD HOME,

AND THESE ARE MY GIRLS.

NOW THAT I'M BACK
IN THE CITY OF GOLD,

I'M INVITING YOU TO
FOLLOW ME ON MY JOURNEY.

THIS IS MY LIFE,
AND THIS IS MY JOBURG DIARY.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(TALI) Thank you, all,
for coming on such short notice.

Thank you, also to Margie,

for giving us this beautiful space
to work in today.

And I would actually like to say

thank you for officially welcoming me
as your new class mom.

Thank you, guys.

So the first thing I wanted to chat
about is the WhatsApp group.

I started a new one,

it's broadcast only because of what
happened with poor, poor Monique.

(NTHABISENG) Did you see
the one with the dinosaur?

(CHANTAL) I love the one
that's singing.

Guys, please, please, there is a time
and a place for that. Okay?

Mrs Shaggysaurus.

- It's not that "shaggy", Nthabiseng.
- Uh...

(RUSHIDA) I guess we all know
what part of her body

- she didn't get any work done on.
- (NTHABISENG LAUGHING)

I beg your pardon, Rushida!

Is that anyway to talk about someone
else's vag*na? No, it is not.

- I am so sorry, Margie.
- No, no, no, no.

I actually like the one that looks
like a little pink canoe.

Guys!

Shut up, please.

Can we get back to the agenda.
Item number two.

Family Fun Day.

(RAEL) Lipschitz's over-revved.

Everyone's drinking
the Kool-Aid,

but that oke built on quick sand.

(DARREN) He built something
beautiful, Rael.

- (DOOR OPENING)
- It was just too visionary

for its time.

(TARYN) Now, is this foam art
or is this foam art?

- Is it a bear?
- Is it a bat?

It's a bear and a bat.
It's a bear-bat.

You know we drink black Americanos.

Well I can't make foam out
in black water, Rael.

- (CELLPHONE CHIMING)
- Crypto group's flaring up again.

(GASPING) No.

- Wow.
- What?

Garren Silver's wife sent a picture
of her vag*na to the WhatsApp group.

Well that is definitely
not Tali's vag*na,

if that's what you're thinking.

- Why would you say that, Taryn?
- What did I literally just say?

I mean, if it was Tali's vajayjay,

you'd obviously would recognise it,
so...

Like the back of my hand.
It's like a orchid.

Cute little beauty spot
on the bottom right.

- Oh my God.
- Oh my God.

Rael, put your phone down.

Bru!

(BARBARA) So unlike Margie
to do something like that.

I mean, she usually gives all
the children equal attention.

Oh. These comments. This is bad.

- Tali? Are you listening?
- Hm? What?

Oh yes. Sorry. What were you saying?

We've actually had
a sensitive situation come up

- in the Busy Bee class.
- In Jayden's class?

- There's been a report of bullying.
- (GASPING)

One of the children is biting
the other children,

no one's talking,
but everyone's crying.

So maybe you can use
your journalistic skills

- and solve the problem?
- Absolutely, Mrs B.

I can sort it out. We cannot have
a biter in the Busy Bee class,

- or in any class for that matter.
- Exactly.

And in my experience,
bullying is genetic,

so find the bully parent,
you'll find the bully kid.

(DARREN) You're pacing, Rael.
Stop pacing.

(RAEL) Darren,
I've got a confession to make.

In the last couple of weeks,
I did the unthinkable.

- I sent a d*ck pic.
- Okay.

It was an act of passion, Darren.

Also, it's the social currency of
modern sexuality.

- Why am I telling you this?
- I wish I knew.

Because if there is a picture of
Tali's vag*na

going around the internet,
it can only mean one thing, Darren.

Tali's having an affair.

- Impossible.
- Is it?

- There's only one way to find out.
- What is that?

- Ask her.
- Right, right.

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(TARYN) Have you guys seen the one

where it's dressed up all gangster?

- Notorious V-A-G?
- (WOMEN LAUGHING)

(NTHABISENG) What about
the badly stuffed kebab.

- (CHANTAL GASPING)
- (LAUGHING) Oh ja, that's good.

(CHANTAL) This one looks like
a yawning hippo.

- Oh ja, it does.
- (WOMEN LAUGHING)

Have you seen the baby shark one,

but the mommy shark's just, like,
a vag*na?

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Guys, come on!
Is this what it's come to?

Oh so funny. Standing around, looking
at pictures of another mom's vag*na

and laughing about it all day?

Not cool, guys. In fact,
you know what we need to do?

"Do you want to delete?"
Yes. "Deleting".

You just deleted all the photos
on my camera roll, Tali.

All the pics of my kids.

Well it's better than going to
prison, Nthabiseng.

That's right, guys.
It's a criminal offense, okay,

to share private images
without that person's consent.

- I thought you hated Monique.
- I do, Chantal!

I hate her. A lot.

But I still don't think it's fair
that her vag*na has gone viral.

People are sharing it all over the
country, guys. Did you know that?

It's bullying. And in fact,
there is a plague of bullying

sweeping through this school.

- Stop it.
- (NTHABISENG SIGHING)

Now run along and do whatever it is
you moms do all day.

(SIGHING)

- (SOFTLY) Taryn, what are you doing?
- I'm creating a viral sensation.

- Or a vaginal sensation. Am I right?
- That is not funny.

Taryn, put your hand down.
This was never supposed to go viral.

Need I remind you, this is my vag*na.

Oh ja.

Oh well should I stop
making memes then?

Yes, Taryn! This whole thing has got
completely out of control.

Stop it, immediately.
Delete that! (SCOFFING)

Just one more. (LAUGHING)

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

Who are you texting, Tals?

I'm working on a social post, Darren,
and it's taking me ages.

- Looks like you're texting someone.
- I'm not.

It's because I'm typing. I can see
how that could be confusing for you.

Tali, there's no easy way
to say this,

so I'm just gonna come out with it.

Are you having an affair?

Darren, please.

Do you honestly think I have got time
in my day to be having an affair?

Come on! I don't know if you've
noticed, but I am class mom now

and I literally do not have
a second to myself. Okay?

So you're telling me that this isn't
a photo of your vag*na?

(SCOFFING)

No! Obviously not. That is the vag*na
that got Monique cancelled.

But, I mean, it has a cute little
beauty spot exactly where you do.

Well that is obviously just a very
wonderful coincidence, Darren, okay?

Because if that was my vag*na,

that would mean I would've had to
have stolen Monique's phone, okay,

posted a photo of my own vag*na
in the mom's WhatsApp group,

in order to cancel Monique
and to rule as class mom.

Do you honestly think
I am that kind of a monster?

Darren! Maybe I should
have an affair, Darren,

- if that's what you think of me.
- No.. (STAMMERING) No.

- Maybe I will.
- No, it's not your vag*na...

- Do you think I'm a monster?
- No, I...

Do you wanna be married to a monster?
Maybe I will have an affair.

With, I don't know,
that hot dad at swimming.

- Which hot dad?
- Mark.

- Firstly, I don't...
- Maybe I'll send him a picture

- of my vag*na, my actual vag*na.
- Well...

Maybe I'll do that,
if you think I'm such a monster.

- Mark's not hot.
- If I'm such a monster, Darren.

And if I wanted to have an affair,
I could have one, like this.

I promise you, I'll put it
on my socials. I will.

I will have.. The men will be
lining up at my door.

Now let it go, please.
That is not my vag*na.

- Gone.
- Gone.

- (DARREN) Gone.
- (MICHELLE) Tals?

You are not gonna believe the sh*t
that happened at school today.

- Show them, my boy.
- (TALI GASPING)

- A bite mark?
- (MICHELLE) Ja.

Do something! Mikaela, go get the
tea tree oil, or the burn shield!

My God, do you think we need to
get a tetanus?

- (MICHELLE SIGHING) I don't know.
- Oh, Darren...

- Who did this to you, my boy?
- (JAYDEN) I don't know.

- You must know, boy. You can tell us.
- I don't know.

There is a plague of bullying
sweeping through the school,

and I honestly do not have time
for this.

There is a parent-teacher meeting
happening,

and, Darren, you need to step up
and do some parenting for once

and get to the bottom of this.

(MICHELLE GRUNTING) Let's have
a look. Shame, my boy.

(TALI) Oh my gosh.

(RAEL) So have you asked Tali
about the affair yet?

- Ja. She said it's not her vag*na.
- What about the beauty spot?

Turns out, Monique has a cute little
beauty spot too.

Hey, Darren, level with me here.

When was the last time you saw
Tali's vag*na?

(DARREN) Rael,
it is not Tali's vag*na, okay.

Let's get down to the business of
finding this class bully.

Okay. You be good cop,
I'll be bad cop.

Rael, these kids are, like,
four years old.

Exactly. Master manipulators.

Keep your wits about you.
Let's rock 'n' Rael.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

- Howzit? Rael Rosen.
- Darren Nudleman.

- (RAEL) Nice to meet you.
- (DARREN) Just, could you perhaps

tell us what happened to Elsa's head?

(GIRL #1) Anna took Elsa's head.

Anna? And who exactly is Anna?

We're wondering if you could perhaps
roar for us, like a lion.

- Who bit Jayden?
- (BOY) Justin Bieber.

- Justin Bieber?
- Okay, so Justin Bieber apparently

- attends the school of Hyde Park.
- Sjoe.

(RAEL) Tell me exactly, where were
you last Thursday, at around 16:00?

- What about a cat? Meow!
- (GIRL #2) Meow!

- (RAEL) Okay.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(DARREN) Mm. Hm...

- Not sure about that.
- I think it's quite telling.

Well what kind of things
do you like to bite into?

Uh.. Food?

- Food.
- Food. Okay.

- So, what, apples? Bananas?
- Yes.

- People?
- No.

- (DARREN) No. No flesh.
- (RAEL) No. Okay. That's a hard no.

(DARREN) We wanna keep the school
safe from biters.

- So who was it?
- Avi.

- Avi? Wow.
- That's a new name.

Because last time,
you actually said Justin Bieber.

So now you're changing your story
a little bit,

which is very interesting to me.

- Do you know Jayden Shapiro?
- Yes.

And how does Jayden taste?

Okay, very good. Well we've got
all the information we need.

Okay, I'm Rael Rosen and you can just
take one of these.

If you have any information,
any information at all,

you give me a call.

Well I'm on to you. Both of you.

And just to let you guys know,
you are both guilty

until proven innocent.

And that is the South African
justice system,

just to remind you, right there,
okay?

Well that was a terrible idea,
Darren.

- Awful.
- I'm exhausted.

Isn't that Monique's husband,
Garren Silver? He's coming over.

- (GARREN) Darren.
- Garren.

- You well?
- Ja.

- You well?
- No, well, thanks.

Listen, apparently you guys are
trying to find the class bully?

Ja, we've been talking to
all the kids.

Oh you literally cannot believe
a single word they say.

Well Jackson here said
he saw something,

and I'll tell you one thing,
kid doesn't know how to lie.

Tell him what you said in the car,
boy.

- (JACKSON) Jayden bit me.
- (RAEL) Okay,

well that's exactly what you would
expect the actual bully to say.

- So obviously...
- No, no, no. You don't understand.

We taught him how to only tell
the truth.

Mommy takes happy pills
every morning.

(GARREN) Okay. Okay, Jackson,
just go play over there, boy.

(DARREN) Look, I'm sorry about
the whole viral picture thing.

All I know,
that is not Monique's vag*na.

I'd know. Spent a fortune
on the thing.

Listen, I gotta bounce.

- Check you okes.
- (RAEL) Check you.

Should've asked young Jackson
if his mommy's got a beauty spot

on her you-know-what,
if you know what I mean.

(MARGIE) Hi there.
Are you Jayden's dad?

(RAEL/DARREN) Yes.

Okay, well can you come with me,
please. There's been an incident.

Okay, guys, we are gathered here
today to talk about the bullying

that is happening in
our children's class.

And it's not just the kids, guys.

It's the adults too, and I think
you all know what I'm talking about.

It's terrible what has happened
with Monique.

Ja. They really pulled the rug out

- from underneath her.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Okay, that is enough with the
vag*na puns, please, guys. Alright?

(LYLE) Apparently, she features in
the new "You" magazine. Full spread.

- (ALL LAUGHING)
- (TALI) Sis, Lyle!

That is disgusting
and not very funny.

It's actually a crime
to have even shared

those pictures of Monique's vag*na,
alright?

Which, might I add,
is a lovely vag*na, I think.

Classic in shape.
Who here thinks otherwise?

(MONIQUE) I do.
And that's not my vag*na.

- Hi, Monique.
- Hi, Tali.

Um.. It.. We all know it is
your vag*na, Monique.

But I was just telling these guys
that I think it's quite lovely.

That's a lovely thing to say, Tali,
about your vag*na.

- (TALI) My vag*na?
- (MONIQUE) Mm-hm.

- Well it's not my vag*na.
- (MONIQUE CHUCKLING)

It's.. It's not my vagi..
It's definitely not my vag*na.

Oh do you remember the Cookie Queen?

She might not be good with faces,
but...

(COOKIE QUEEN) Always remembers
a vag*na.

(CLEARING THROAT/CHUCKLING) I can
verify that this vag*na

does definitely not belong to you,
Monique.

- Thank you, my queen.
- This vag*na belongs to Tali Shapiro.

(TALI) Okay, okay. She doesn't know
what she's talking about, firstly.

Secondly, you are not a Cookie Queen,

- you're a Cookie Monster.
- (COOKIE QUEEN) What?

(TALI) Yes, that is the worst wax
I ever had! Honestly.

- That was the best wax of your life.
- (TALI) It wasn't, it was painful.

It was very painful.
And you know what else?

- You are under NDA.
- So sue me.

- Oh maybe I will.
- (COOKIE QUEEN) Okay.

(TALI) She is under NDA.
You signed it on my phone.

- Just stop it, baby.
- Stop scrambling.

- You're breaking the law.
- (MONIQUE) You've lost.

- I haven't! Oh my gosh.
- (MONIQUE) You've actually lost.

- Oh my gosh.
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- (TALI SCREAMING)
- (ALL GASPING)

(MONIQUE) My nose!

(MARGIE) Thanks for taking the time.

We've been trying to get to
the bottom of who the biter is.

- So have we.
- Unsuccessfully.

I mean, the evidence is pointing to
Justin Bieber at the moment.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this,
but it is Jayden.

- (RAEL SCOFFING)
- That's impossible.

Because Jayden was the one
who was bitten.

He's the bitee, not the biter.

Well that's the thing.
I found Jayden biting his own arm.

Charlie bit Charlie's finger.
Do you understand?

Who's...?

I also found Elsa's head
in his locker.

Okay. So it definitely wasn't Anna.

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(BARBARA) I don't even know
what to say.

- She started it.
- She broke my nose.

Oh come on, Monique, have it fixed.

You obviously have a plastic surgeon
on a retainer.

(BARBARA) Ladies!

This is a very perplexing case.

Tali, you could be charged
with online bullying

for sharing pictures
of Monique's vag*na.

But it was actually your vag*na,
so technically you bullied yourself.

And since it's not officially
a crime to bully yourself,

there is very little I can do here.

Yes, but everybody thought
it was my vag*na, Mrs B.

You know, there's only one way
to solve this problem.

Both of you are barred
from being class mom.

- (BOTH) What?
- Are you actually not

gonna expel her for what she's done?

After the emotional trauma
she's put me and my family though?

- Actually being very difficult...
- Well done, Meryl Streep.

Brilliant performance.

What you both need is
to spend some quality time together

and iron out your differences.

And I have just the thing.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(GASPING)

Shame, pathetic. Pathetic.

Well I.. here.. this.. I..

What the actual?
Don't actually do that.

- You hit me with that one.
- You started first, Tali.

Well take that,
this is disgusting chocolate milk.

- What is that?
- Oh.

(GROANING)

Do not come near me with that.
Do not come near me with that.

- (MONIQUE) Ag. Ah.
- This is disgusting.

This is disgusting, Monique. Stop it.

- Take it, Tali.
- You take it.

- (MONIQUE) This one.
- Boy, you know what, I hate you.

- Well I hate you as well.
- You're a b*tch.

- (MONIQUE) I hate you, Tali.
- And you're a bully.

- Ah you're the b*tch, bully.
- Ow!

(BOTH GRUNTING/GROANING)

(MONIQUE) Tali.

Stop it. Ah just stop it.

- Well...
- (CRYING)

Don't.. don't cry now, Monique.
For God sakes.

There, there.

There, there.

Ah. Just this
isn't going according to plan.

- (TALI GROANING)
- I mean, there you.. there you are,

suddenly, after all these years.

Tali Shapiro.

- I was obsessed with you.
- What?

Well I didn't know that.

- Why didn't you say something?
- Because you tormented me.

I wanted to be your friend, but you
kept calling me Monique "The Beak"

- behind my back.
- Well that wasn't just me, you know?

Everyone was calling you
Monique "The Beak" behind your back.

But you made up the name!

- Did I?
- Yes!

That's the reason why
everyone called me that,

and the reason I had to have
a nose job.

You destroyed me in school, Tali.

And, fine, now I wanted to
destroy you as well,

but I couldn't
because I'm actually a good person,

and you're not. You're a bully.

You were a bully then,

and you're a bully now.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

- Howzit, babes.
- Hi, babe.

I need a hug.

- What's up, Tals?
- I have had a day.

Monique accused me of being
a bully

which is so weird

because I was actually really nice
to the nerds at school.

I mean, I don't think I'm a bully.
Am I a bully?

Tals.. sending a picture of someone's
vag*na to a WhatsApp group...

- Ag...
- is bullying,

even if it's your own vag*na
which is beautiful by the way.

Thank you,
that is actually the nicest thing

anyone has said about my vag*na
since this whole thing started.

Speaking of bullying...

Tals, there's something
I need to tell you.

You having an affair, aren't you?

No, we've found the class bully.

Oh let me guess, it's Monique's
precious little psycho Jackson.

Actually, it's our precious
little boy, Jayden.

(GASPING)

Oh my God.

Jayden is the bully

which means I'm a bully!