01x06 - The Art Auction

[bunniefuu]

- (TALI) Excuse me.
- (CAR HOOTING)

(TALI) Mind, please.

(SCREAMING)

(GASPING) Monique is such a b****!

- (CAR HOOTING)
- (TALI) Ashley, come back to me!

(SOBBING)

(WHIMPERING) You're a mess!

You idiot! What are you looking at?!

What are you looking at
in that stupid jacket?!

Pull it together, pull it together,
Tali.

(SNIFFING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(TALI) HOWZIT, GUYS? IT'S ME, TALI.
HOW ARE YOU?

I'M A JOBURG GIRL
LIVING IN CAPE TOWN,

BUT NOW I'M MOVING BACK HOME
WITH THE FAM.

- Everybody say "Jozi"!
- (ALL) Jozi!

(TALI) THIS IS MY BABY,
THIS IS MY CHILDHOOD HOME,

AND THESE ARE MY GIRLS.

NOW THAT I'M BACK
IN THE CITY OF GOLD,

I'M INVITING YOU TO
FOLLOW ME ON MY JOURNEY.

THIS IS MY LIFE,
AND THIS IS MY JOBURG DIARY.

(TALI) Okay,
so now when you're drawing the face,

really think about what it looks
like. It's like a big circle...

Maybe some eyes?

Oh okay. You know what, let's...

- I think let's start again.
- (MICHELLE) Ja.

Let's get a new piece of paper. Okay.

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

JAYDEN IS GOOD AT MANY THINGS,

BUT UNFORTUNATELY HE IS NOT SO
ADVANCED IN THE ART DEPARTMENT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS.

I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I'M
SUPPOSED TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS.

NONSENSE, TALI.
I'D HANG THIS UP, HEY?

WHERE? UPSTAIRS IN THE
BATHROOM BEHIND THE CURTAIN?

What is it exactly
that you've drawn here?

- (JAYDEN) A paint splat. I told you.
- A big paint splat.

IF A PSYCHOLOGIST
LOOKED AT THIS PICTURE,

THEY WOULD SAY
WE HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS.

- (MICHELLE) Oh that's beautiful.
- (JAYDEN) That's the sun.

- (MICHELLE) Yes.
- Oh it's the sun?

- (MICHELLE) Ja.
- (TALI) Mm.

He obviously got
Darren's drawing genes. Shame.

I like the red, Jay.
What about a bit of pink as well?

- Let's just define this.
- This is not helping, Michelle.

ANYWAY, THE PROBLEM IS, OKAY,

IS THAT BEAKY-FACED MONIQUE HAS
ORGANISED AN ART AUCTION

WITH ALL THE CHILDREN'S ARTWORK.

AND WHAT'S WORSE, SHE'S DONE IT WITH
THE HELP OF ASHLEY.

- WHAT?!
- YES.

THAT LITTLE b*tch. SHE MUST HAVE
HATED YOU ALL THAT TIME, HEY, TALS?

- YOU KNOW WHAT, SHE PROBABLY DID.
- (GASPING) WHAT IS SHE WITHOUT YOU?

EXACTLY.

- SHE'S GONE OVER TO THE DARK SIDE.
- SHE HAS!

- HEY?
- SHE'S A NUMBER.

- COMPLETE NUMBER. JA.
- AND I MOULDED HER.

ANYWAY, WE CANNOT SUBMIT JAYDEN'S
ART LOOKING LIKE THIS,

- BECAUSE WE NEED TO WIN.
- JA.

- NO ONE'S GONNA BID ON THE SCRIBBLE.
- WELL I'D BID ON IT.

NO, BUT YOU CAN'T BID ON
YOUR OWN CHILD'S ART.

THAT'S ONE OF THE STUPID RULES.

Go take this puzzle and go and do it
on the dining room table. Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay. Off you go, my baby.

Just gonna..
Just gonna help finish it.

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(TALI) AND WE HAVE GOT TO
DO WHATEVER IT TAKES

TO BEAT THAT BEAK-FACED b*tch.

(SCOFFING/WHISPERING) b*tch.

- (NORMAL VOICE) CAN I?
- YOU CAN TAKE IT.

- CAN I HAVE IT?
- YES.

(DARREN) Les, is this a bad time?

(LES) Darren, if this is about me
firing you and Rael from Shapro,

you understand you left me no choice,
hey?

(CHUCKLING) No, no, it's cool.

You just did what you had to do and I
just think the universe had a plan.

Oh, but it was my plan.
I'm the one who fired you.

And you did us a favour.
You set us free.

No, actually I just wanted to
sneak a peak at the shirt.

Oh right. The shirt. You like
the shirt, don't you, Darren?

I don't like the shirt, Les.
I love the shirt.

And the great man,
Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela,

who led our
Rainbow Nation to freedom.

(LES) OH THIS ISN'T JUST A SHIRT,
HEY. IT'S LEGACY.

IT'S THE ONE THING I HAVE THAT
HAS NO PRICE. ALMOST.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(TARYN) Here is your freezo.

Unfortunately,
I was not able to do foam art,

because a freezo does not use foam.

But that is no biggie.

- Is everything okay?
- I'm fine.

I'm just a bit distracted,
because there's a Little Angels'

art auction later and there is
a lot at stake.

Isn't that just, like, dumb kid art

that's 100 percent gonna get
auctioned off to their rich parents?

No, because parents are
not allowed to bid

on their own children's artwork,
which complicates things.

And make no mistake, Taryn,

the child that
fetches the highest price

will crown their mother
queen of Little Angels,

and therefore Johannesburg.

(MONIQUE) Tals, see you at the
gallery for the walkthrough!

- Don't be late, hey!
- Wouldn't miss it for the world!

Hope you're enjoying your new job,
Ashley!

PS, turns out the only thing you were
good for was getting me coffee,

and, look, look,
I can get my own coffee now!

Taryn, I have spilt my freezo.
You didn't give me a lid.

We don't have those kind of lids.
So Ashley changed masters?

- Ouch.
- Ashley can go to hell.

- I don't need you, Ashley!
- Yes, you do, Tali.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

But that's okay, because maybe
I could be your Ashley.

Do you really think you have what it
takes to be my Ashley?

Try me.

What does my hand want?

Impressive.

What am I thinking about right now?

Revenge. And Jayden crushing little
Jackson at the art auction.

Very good.

But, Taryn, can I trust you to do
whatever it takes to make Jayden win?

No matter the obstacles or
the hardships we face?

I have done sh*t that would
make your eyes water.

Also, I don't know if I ever told you
this, but I freaking worship you.

- Okay. When can you start?
- Right f*cking now.

Oh...

But you only have me for, like, 24
hours, until my shift starts again.

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(DARREN) Les, do you have a moment?

♪ Shosholoza, shosholoza ♪

♪ Kulezontaba ♪

♪ Stimela siphuma South Africa ♪

♪ Wen' uyabaleka ♪

Jesus*! sh*t! Ah! (GROANING)

(LES) Les here.

Yes, yes.
I'm logging on now for the meeting.

Give me a minute.
I'll be with you guys.

- Just heading to my study, okay?
- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(LES) Send the link through to me,
Pedro.

I can't find it on my account.

I know. I know. Great, okay, okay.

Alright. Ping me that video again.
Will you, Pedro? Go ahead.

- (LAPTOP CHIMING)
- (LES) Hello. Can you hear me?

- (SHIRLEY) We can hear you.
- Oh, Shirley. Where you? Hong Kong?

- (SHIRLEY) No, I'm in Qatar.
- Okay. Buckle in.

It's gonna be a long night.

(RAEL) Taryn, I think there might...

Taryn? Taryn?! (SCOFFING)
Where could she possibly have gone?

She's been here for four...

(CHLOE) Why are you avoiding me,
Rael?

(RAEL) What? No, what?
I'm not avoiding you.

I'm just looking for Taryn.
She's disappeared somewhere now.

- Are you seeing another mom?
- What? Of course not.

No. No, you're my mom. I mean, you're
the only mom that I care about.

It's just the wife thing that I'm
worried about with being in business

with your husband and everything,
it might be concerning.

- That's why it's so hot.
- It is hot. It is so hot.

It's just that, you know,
if someone sees us or...

(HARPER) Hi, Mommy, hi, Rael.

Hi, Harper. Would you like a rusk or
maybe a babyccino, perhaps?

- You're weird.
- Okay.

(WHISPERING) Call me.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(ASHLEY) Hi, there.
Please place your phones in the bowl.

- (TARYN) Oh f*ck that.
- You're dead to me, Ashley.

Welcome, welcome, everybody!

As you can see, the art auction is
going to be absolutely gorgeous.

And all the proceeds are going to
a very, very good cause.

(BARBARA) What can I say? You're not
just looking at a class mom,

- but a super class mom, hey?
- (MONIQUE) Thank you.

- (BARBARA) Well done.
- (MONIQUE) Thank you.

Stop it, really.

But I'm sure you all want to
know where your little Picassos

are gonna be exhibiting their art,
so let's get started.

With right at the back we have...

Oh. Jayden Nudelman Shapiro
at lot number 25.

(TOILET FLUSHING)

No, I am sorry, Monique.

Over my dead body is
Jayden exhibiting his artwork

next to the toilet, okay?

Tali, let's not make a big deal
out of this.

The placements were randomised
by the gallery owner.

- Weren't they, Ashley?
- Yes, they were.

Oh why don't you f*ck off
back to Geppetto's workshop,

- you little puppet.
- (WOMEN GASPING)

(WHISPERING) Okay. Taryn, too much.

(NORMAL VOICE) You know what,
Monique, you think you've won,

but you haven't.

Oh no. You just wait and see.

- Jayden's art will rise.
- (MONIQUE) Okay.

It will fetch the highest price.

Let's get out of here, Taryn.

(MONIQUE) Um... (CLEARING THROAT)

We'll get someone to clean
that up right away.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(TALI) You know what, if Monique
wants w*r, I will give her w*r.

If we gonna beat Monique,

we gotta figure out how
she's rigged this thing.

- (GASPING) Do you think it's rigged?
- Of course it's rigged.

"The child whose art
fetches the highest price

will crown their mother queen?"
We know this.

And if Monique hates anything,
it's to lose.

Therefore, she has no choice,
she rigs it.

Question is, how?

- Well I don't know.
- I don't know either.

- But I know someone who does.
- Who?

- Stacey.
- Who's that?

Monique's assistant, Stacey.

(GASPING) That is a brilliant idea,
Taryn.

- (TARYN) Thank you.
- Where do we find her?

- She's probably somewhere here.
- She probably is here.

(LES) Their pain, our gain.
Good. Lovely.

- (NAIL CLIPPER CLIPPING)
- Put Saven and Sorroto on this.

I want this contract ironclad. Okay.

(VACUUM CLEANER WHIRRING)

(VACUUM CLEANER STOPPING)

(SIGHING)

Money, money, money.

(WHISPERING) Sharp.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(STACEY) What do you guys want?

Relax, Stacey. Just a chat.

Just chill out, Stacey.
(WHISPERING) Just a little chat.

We need to know what your former
boss is up to.

- How she's rigged the art auction.
- How, Stacey?

You better start talking,

or I'm gonna take that
little cardigan of yours,

and I'm gonna twist it up and I'm
gonna choke you with it.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Stacey, do you know
what Stacey rhymes with?

- What?
- Puisie.

Which is a pimple in Afrikaans,

and I'm gonna squash you
like a little pimple...

Okay, okay, Taryn, thank you so much.
Thank you.

- Please stop breathing all over us.
- (TARYN) Well she's scared now.

(TALI) Well all we need to know is
how, how does Jackson win?

- And what do I get in return?
- You don't die!

You get to work for me, okay?

And I'm the baddest mommy b****
in the business.

Does it come with medical aid?
(CLEARING THROAT)

- (SCOFFING)
- Yes.

- What?
- But not Discovery.

- We can work towards that, though.
- Fine.

Monique has added an
extra prize to Jackson's art.

Whoever buys it gets a two-night
stay at Londolozi Game Reserve.

What the actual f*ck?

- That is not even that good.
- It is. It is fancy, Taryn.

It is one of
the fanciest game reserves.

- It really is, ja.
- (TALI) People are gonna want that.

Oh.

(TALI) TARYN AND I HAVE BEEN
RACKING OUR BRAINS TO TRY AND FIND

SOMETHING TO ATTACH
TO JAYDEN'S ARTWORK.

AND WE'VE COME UP
WITH THE PERFECT THING.

A ONE-ON-ONE DINNER WITH A
HUGE SOUTH AFRICAN CELEBRITY.

DO YOU WANNA SAY WHO IT IS?

(BOTH) MAPS MAPONYANE.

HE IS SO HOT. I LOVE HIM.
I HONESTLY LOVE HIM.

IF I WAS NOT MARRIED TO DARREN,
I WOULD...

HAVE SEX WITH HIM.
AND A RELATIONSHIP.

OKAY, WELL JUST A WORD OF WARNING.
MAPS IS SUPER INTO ME.

- NO, HE'S NOT.
- YES, HE'S LIKE OBSESSED WITH ME.

- IT'S ACTUALLY.. YES.
- MAPS? MAPS MAPONYANE?

IT'S EXTREMELY ANNOYING.
HE WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M SURE, I'M SURE. WHATEVER.

(MAPS OVER CELLPHONE) Anyway,
I am just happy to be supporting

such a good cause.
Kids charity, right?

That is exactly right and we are so
excited to have you on board, okay?

All you're gonna have to do is have
dinner with one of the parents.

Take some selfies.
That kind of thing.

Sounds fantastic.

Taryn, you look gorgeous as ever,
girl.

Have you done something to your hair?

No, but thank you.

What did I tell you?

(CLICKING TONGUE) Okay.
Thank you so much, Maps.

We gonna be in touch, alright? You
are a legend and we love you so much.

Bye.

(DARREN) Um.. I've got an important
shirt that I need reframed.

I can be there in about ten minutes.
Can you do it today?

(SIGHING) Okay. Awesome.
I will see you now now.

(KNOCKING ON WINDOW)

Les, what's up? How's it?

We need to talk, Darren.

Les, you know, if this about you
firing me from Shapro.. (SCOFFING)

- It's water under the bridge.
- No, no, no, no.

It's about much more than that.

Why don't I take a drive with you
to the auction together,

and we have a little chat, okay?

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

- (ANDERSON) Rael, how's it?
- Hi.

(ANDERSON) We still need
to celebrate our partnership.

You should come round to
the house for dinner.

- That would be nice.
- (RAEL) Um...

- This week is chock-a-block for me.
- Next week.

- Are you seeing someone?
- No.

- (ANDERSON) You should bring her.
- Okay, I will.

No, I mean, I will not,
because I'm not seeing anyone.

I'm in fact very single.

Well I'm sure Chloe can set you up
with one of her single mom friends.

- Hey, Chlo?
- I've got just the person in mind.

How's next week Tuesday
for a pot roast?

- Brilliant.
- Ja.

It's done.
See you there. (CLICKING TONGUE)

(RAEL) Thank you. Thank you.

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

What's in the bag, Darren?

Uh.. tie-dye.

I'm getting my tie-dyed
shirts dry-cleaned,

'cause I don't
want the colours to run.

But I thought that
was the whole point.

What did you wanna talk about again,
Les?

Ah things. Things that get broken and
they're very hard to fix.

Like trust.

Les, look, I just wanna say,
I didn't mean to...

To infiltrate my company
and brainwash my employees

with your hippy dippy sh*t?

Well you've done a pretty good job,
Darren. I underestimated you.

I thought the unfinished highway was
as far as our little w*r would go.

But you've done one better and shown
me up on my own turf.

What happened to your hands?

Gardening.

(SCOFFING/CHUCKLING)

You are a crazy b*stard.

(LIGHT-HEARTED MUSIC)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(TALI) No, man, guys,
why are we all wearing black?

- Because it's slimming.
- (MIKAELA) And I am heavily pregnant.

(TARYN) Because I wear what you wear.

(RAEL) Taryn,
where the hell have you been?

(TARYN) I'm temping for Tali now.
Back off, Rael.

Wow. It's the Witches of Eastgate.

(TALI) Oh hilarious, Monique.
Careful.

We might cast a reverse plastic
surgery spell on you.

Your nose will grow back.
And you look like a mermaid.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(MONIQUE) Mermaid's very trendy,
you know?

Lovely. Thank you so much. Mmm!

- Hi, Rael.
- Hi, Chloe, how's it? How you doing?

I'm still waiting for that d*ck pic.

- Di...? Ja, no, I...
- I wanna see it ASAP.

- (ANDERSON) Rael!
- Oh my goodness. Anderson.

Take your hands off my wife.

No, I was not.. There were..
No, I've got...

- No hands. I'm hands less.
- Just kidding, buddy!

That's funny. Is Harper...?
Has she got work...

- She does, she does.
- Is it?

- Can we expect a bid?
- Yes, you can definitely expect a...

- Big?
- Big bid? Yes, a big bid.

Big.. Absolutely.

That's my friend, Darren Nudelman.
My best friend.

And I'm going to talk to him,
so lovely to see both of you.

And enjoy the rest of the show.
Please. Okay.

- (SIGHING) He's such a great guy.
- (SIGHING) I love him.

(WHISPERING) Um.. Tals, I've got a
bit of a sitch with your dad.

Babe, I am at capacity right now,
okay? I cannot help you.

(RAEL) Daz,
I got a bit of a sitch with Chloe.

- Husband's on to me, I think.
- Is Les following me?

- He knows something's up.
- Is something up?

Cover me, okay?

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(AUCTIONEER) Renoir,
why did you become an impressionist?

Renoir, I did it for the monet.

(GUESTS CHUCKLING)

- I don't get it.
- No, neither do I.

This guy's jokes are pathetic.
I should be up there.

(AUCTIONEER) Moving right along,
lot number one, Jackson Silver.

(MONIQUE) Yes! Thank you so much.
Thank you, thank you.

Before we start the bidding
for Jackson's amazing art,

can I just say you won't only be
bidding for a painting.

Oh no, no. You're also be bidding
for, drum roll please,

an all inclusive
two-night stay at Londolozi.

- Oh!
- (GARREN) It's stunning!

Londolozi was my hook up!

(AUCTIONEER) Alright. Why don't we
start the bidding at a thousand rand?

(MONIQUE) Well let's make it a
little bit more interesting?

How about 10,000?

(MICHELLE SCOFFING) You little b****.

(AUCTIONEER) 10,000? Do we have...?
We have 10,000.

Do we have 15?

Okay, 15. Do we have 20?

Come on, okes! It's Londolozi!

- 20, I see, 20.25?
- What is happening right now?

Don't worry. We got Maps, baby.
We got Maps.

(AUCTIONEER) Good.
Somebody give me 50,000.50,000?

- I see 50,000.
- (CELLPHONE RINGING)

- Oh speak of the devil. It's Maps.
- Answer it.

- (SIGHING) Okay.
- (MAPS OVER CELLPHONE) Tals, listen,

I'm sorry, but I have to go
to Dubai on short notice,

so I kind of need to pull out
of that charity auction thing.

What?!
We haven't even set a date yet.

(MAPS) And what with Dubai and my
schedule changing all the time,

we just.. we never know.

And, shame, I hate to let you down.

Please then just don't.
Just don't let me down.

- (MAPS) Sorry, reception is really...
- Maps, Maps.

(MAPS) Can you..
(IMITATING BAD RECEPTION) Tals?

S***. We've lost Maps.

(AUCTIONEER) 80 is in the house.
Do we have 90?

- Oh my G**, we're chasing 100,000!
- Taryn!

Do something!

(TARYN) Why don't you offer a dinner
with you as the prize?

Trust me,
I would k*ll to have dinner with you.

I'm sure a lot of people in
this room would too.

Okay, Taryn, you can just have dinner
with me anytime I'm available.

That's not a big prize.
Please stop being so creepy!

- And figure this out!
- Okay. I'm on it.

(AUCTIONEER) 120? 120!
120 going once. 120 going twice.

- And sold!
- (MONIQUE) Whoa!

(AUCTIONEER) Oh my G**! 120,000!

And it's all for charity!

(TALI SIGHING)

Lot number nine, Harper Anderson.

Her work is so secretive,
you'd swear it's an IPP contract,

because no one is allowed to see it
until the last moment.

And she wants
to introduce it herself.

So, ladies and gentlemen, please,

a huge round of applause for
the talented, Harper Anderson.

(CHLOE) Oh!

(AUCTIONEER) Hey, Harper.
You ready? Let's do the reveal.

There we go.

Wow.

That's pretty weird.

(AUCTIONEER) It looks
like a beautiful family.

- But who is this creepy guy?
- Uncle Rael.

(AUCTIONEER) Uncle Rael, oh.
Is he your uncle?

No.

- Then who is he?
- My mommy's special friend.

- (GUESTS GASPING)
- (AUCTIONEER) Oh Uncle Rael.

I'm having an affair with the
coffee truck guy, Rael Rosen!

That's not me. That's really..
That's not me in the picture.

- (GUESTS GASPING)
- (ANDERSON GRUNTING)

(CHLOE) Don't hurt him!

I love him.

What will it take for you to
not go to Dubai?

Well if you'll be my girlfriend,
I'll stay.

(SCOFFING) Well that is absolutely
out of the question.

That's literally
no chemistry between us.

- You don't know that yet, babes.
- Actually I do.

Jesus, he is so needy.

(DARREN) Taryn, look,
I need your help, okay?

I need this
Nelson Mandela shirt reframed

before Les notices that it's gone.

Please can you take it to
the framers for me?

- Is it valuable?
- Taryn, it's Nelson Mandela's shirt.

It's priceless.

- I'll take care of it.
- Thank you.

Sweet.

(LIGHT-HEARTED CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(AUCTIONEER) Lot number 25,
Jayden Nudelman Shapiro.

His mother says that
when he gets older

his art is going to be worth more
than this entire gallery.

Everything in it,
including yourselves.

- I never said that.
- I know, I know.

(AUCTIONEER) Let's start
the bidding at R5,000.

(TALI) Wait, wait! Hi, guys!

There is actually an extra prize
attached to Jayden's art.

The highest bidder will also win
a one-on-one dinner with

with...

- (TARYN) Mandela!
- (GUESTS GASPING)

- What?
- (TARYN) Yeah. You heard it.

A signed shirt that once
belonged to Tata Madiba.

- Where the hell did she get that?
- That's Les'.

Oh wow.

- What?
- (GARREN) 10,000.

What, babe? It's Madiba.

- Do we have...
- (MAN) 20,000!

20,000! S***, I don't know, 30,000!

40?! 40,000?!

- Ask for 50! Ask for 50!
- (AUCTIONEER) 50!

- (MAN) 60!
- (AUCTIONEER) 60!

Do we have 70,000?!
Do we have 100,000?! 100,000!

- I'll do 120!
- Hey, do we have 200,000?!

- Wow!
- Oh my G**!

Yay!

(TALI) AM I SURPRISED
THAT JAYDEN'S ARTWORK

BLEW THE ROOF OFF THE AUCTION?

- NO.
- NO.

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- Sold, 250,000!
- (TALI) Yay!

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (GUESTS CHEERING)

Bye, Monique. Bye.

(TALI) AND MONIQUE
WAS RIGHT ABOUT THIS.

IST NOT JUST ABOUT THE ART.
IT IS ABOUT SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

LIKE CRUSHING OUR
OPPONENT INTO THE GROUND.

NO MATTER THE OBSTACLES THAT
STAND IN YOUR WAY.

NO, TARYN, IT'S NOT ABOUT THAT.

IT'S ABOUT CHARITY AND COMMUNITY.

AND POWER.