01x01 - O Rei do Cagaço

[bunniefuu]

"Billy the Kid's Wild West

wasn't worth the moths on the flour

Lampião made couscous with."

George Washington.

Get out of the way, dumbass!

Go, jackass! Outta the way!

A NETFLIX SERIES

Holy cow,

this city has more cars than people.

It's like Fast and Furious

without the fast, just the furious.

Speaking of furious.

Your crappy team's in overtime

and you're worried about food?

God, I hope it's not a complaint.

Crap, I swapped my lunch for his.

I'm definitely gonna be fired.

Oh, I miss the Northeast.

Warm couscous and eggs,

with butter melting on top.

Here we only have a sh*t sandwich,

prepared by the Devil himself.

Lord Jesus, please be merciful.

One hour?

I've been waiting for over a month

for Padre Cícero

to take me back to my homeland.

Hey, jackass! Out of my way!

Get out of the way,

you son of a b*tch! Go!

-Colonel!

-Where are you, Virguley?

You've had 12 complaints.

-It's because I was--

-Thirteen.

-I was stuck in traffic.

-Sixteen.

Are we playing bingo now?

Your ranking's plunged to the bottom

with all these negative reviews.

Enough! You're fi--

That was close.

If I don't hear it, I'm not fired.

Thanks, Father. Get stuffed.

Hey, Colonel! Captain Virguley

means fast delivery and no delay.

I ordered before the game started

and you get here when it's over?

Your team win?

Let's just focus on the food, shall we?

-It's gourmet.

-What's that, bro?

It's…

It's a hamburger in orange juice sauce.

If you could give me five stars,

I'd appreciate it. Thanks!

-Open it!

-Take care!

God bless!

Watch out, damn it!

Up yours!

Are you nuts, you wannabe cangaceiro?

God, grant me the strength

to not rip off this man's head.

Father, lead me on a route

that gets me to my next job on time.

São Paulo's driving me crazy.

Hold on tight, Father. Adventure awaits!

-g*dd*mn it, where were you?

-You're always in such a hurry.

What? We're late because of you!

Virguley, we have to be on time

to perform here.

Don't you know the saying,

"When it rains, it pours"?

It rained today, and I had no umbrella.

What, you're a poet now?

Come on.

You're such a pain the a*s.

I'm too old for this.

-Up yours. You're not my dad.

-Where are you going, dumbass?

Are you seriously drinking now?

Yeah, it's imported.

Why is this cachaça so slimy?

That's used vegetable oil.

Eat this to get rid of the taste.

These all have meat. I'm vegan.

Give me a shot of cachaça.

Fill it up. Pour it. Go ahead.

Virguley.

Shut it. Another. Pour.

Virguley.

It's worth the hangover. One more.

Virguley!

Holy sh*t.

You paying today?

-Put it on my tab.

-Again?

Ribanelson, I've had it.

Today's my last show. I'm returning home.

Where will you get the money?

I'll take my share from today,

sell my bike before the bank takes it,

then buy a bus ticket to the airport home

so people think I flew back.

My family is annoying,

but at least I won't be alone.

If I'm to struggle, I prefer to do it

where both he and I are from.

Who's "he"?

Lampião.

Thank you very much. Keep it coming.

They are tough men

They are Lampião's g*ng

Thanks. Keep it coming.

They come from the Hinterlands

Freeze!

Today, I will tell you a tale

of the King of Sertão,

Virgulino Ferreira da Silva, Lampião.

Everybody has a theme park these days.

An old mouse has a theme park,

princesses have theme parks,

that magic kid with glasses

has a theme park.

Lampião should have a theme park!

Lampião was a badass.

He knew capoeira, kung-fu, and karate.

He knew them all. Lampião was a master!

-Soap!

-Yes, Captain.

Let's show them.

Check out that technique!

Lampião was a badass!

He was respected all over,

even by his enemies.

You're an outlaw, Lampião.

You're a pig, you scoundrel!

Scumbag!

Speaking of scumbags, here comes trouble.

Act like you don't see them.

Crap.

Pretend you don't see them.

Now I'll tell you

how Lampião used to k*ll his victims.

If you have weak bowels,

close your eyes or you'll crap yourself.

-Soap, Jararaca, bring the man.

-Let's go.

No!

-On your knees.

-Have mercy, Captain!

I think he wants to act out

the scene with us.

-God. Let's get outta here then.

-Am I the kind of man to just run away?

I'm feeling brave today.

This was Lampião's dagger.

He used to stick it in right here, see?

Bottom of the neck,

through the collarbone.

He'd stick it in really slowly.

The steel would cut through the spine

like a hot knife through butter.

-Is that so?

-Wanna try it? Get this man over there.

Wait, what?

-Let's go, come on.

-Get over there!

Well, everyone,

this nice gentleman

will show us how Lampião used to do it.

-Go ahead.

-On me?

What I really want is your hat.

Oh. Why didn't you say so?

Let me just have my colleague back then.

Come here.

-Come on.

-Get back, pig!

This hat will look great on you.

It goes really well with your eyes.

See? Lovely.

You making fun of me, bro?

He wants the hat with the money, guys.

-No, not our money.

-No.

Maybe we could split the money evenly.

Did you forget who owns this square?

The people own this square. Am I right?

-Yes!

-Yes, it's the people's.

As Castro Alves used to say,

"Life is not easy here."

I can't pay my bills. Right, Ribanelson?

Yes.

I'm practically homeless.

-Right, Ribanelson?

-Yes.

-I'm drinking again. Right, Ribanelson?

-Yes.

People say I'm being cheated on.

Right, Ribanelson?

Yes!

So I'll let you have it,

but first I'd like to confess something,

something I can't tell anyone else.

Rub my hand.

-Could you lean down a little?

-Lean down?

I need to whisper it in your ear.

Suck on it! Let's go!

Run! Come on, guys!

Move it! Let's go, people!

Help me, Padre Cícero. What now?

-Too high to jump off.

-They're here!

Come on. Run!

Get back here!

Catch that thief! Catch him!

Move it! Thief my a*s.

-Move it!

-Out of the way!

-Catch him!

-No, that's mine!

Hey, wait!

Hurry, run!

-What do we do now, Virguley?

-Now it's every man for himself. Run!

I'm a f*cking fast runner.

Padre Cícero, I need your help.

Gentlemen, let's talk.

Like Lampião and Corisco?

Or like Lampião and Mr. Pereira.

Lampião and his wife, Maria Bonita?

There are only two ways out for you.

Dying,

or flying.

Flying?

First class to the Northeast, please.

You should work

on those wings, little chick.

We can make a deal, right?

Well, it's your lucky day.

Besides being a boxer,

I'm also a travel agent.

Wow. That's great.

Bro, rub my hand.

Here's your plane ticket.

A truly heavenly knockout blow.

Care for some in-flight service?

Now, hold on tight.

You're in for a thrill, Virguley.

I think I'm still drunk.

You're still here, clear as day.

I knew I shouldn't have drank.

Last time, I woke up at the circus,

in a lion's cage.

It was licking my armpit.

Since then, I swore to you, Padre Cícero,

that I'd lay off the cachaça.

I don't know if you're a mirage, Father.

-Where are my clothes?

-We're all born naked, Virguley.

Our clothes represent what we are,

or what we'd like to be.

Father, stop messing with me.

What am I doing here naked?

Where are my clothes?

Let this be a lesson

to never place a saint

inside your pocket,

close to your stinky armpit.

Fine, how about some money

for aspirin and a bus ticket home?

I'm way too hungover.

Didn't you say you wanted that to be

your last job in São Paulo?

I did

Didn't you say

you wanted to return to the Northeast?

I did

And didn't you say

you wanted to fly back first class?

You son of a b*tch!

I did. To the Northeast.

Not like this,

naked and in the middle of nowhere.

Son, I'm a priest, not a psychic.

You weren't specific. Deal with it!

Father--

Father?

How childish.

A man his age, playing hide-and-seek.

Father, where are you?

Father?

Oh, man, I'd better find a bush.

It's that vegetable oil.

Father?

Oh, thank God!

God help me.

Oh, nature's wet wipes.

Help!

So it was a prank.

They left their costumes

scattered all over, bunch of fools.

Oh man.

I'd love to take a dip

in that refreshing water.

But better not.

The river must be full of biting fish.

This is the Northeast's Sertão

A land of brave men

Only sertanejos can endure

Years of summer and drought

All the roughness of the ground

Toughens up the men who live here

There are cangaceiros

WELCOME TO CAATINGUEIRAS

Can you spare any money?

Can you spare any money, please?

Rowdy men with no limits

But there are no weak men

There are cangaceiros

Lampi--

Lampião?

But he doesn't walk or smell like Lampião.

Is he walking like that?

Then it's either lower back pain

or hemorrhoids.

ZÉ BOFÃO'S STORE

Dang

That's a brave man

Wow, it's Lampião!

Lampião!

Hello, friend.

-Do you have any anti-chafing balm?

-Where does it itch, Captain?

It starts at my toes,

goes to my knees, my back, neck,

-then back down to my--

-a*s crack?

Yes, around the vicinity of the butt-hole.

Right and the left sides.

Nineteen twenty-seven?

Oh man. I got it.

This is one of those vintage theme parks

about Lampião, isn't it?

Call it whatever you want.

It's all yours, King of Sertão.

This is all fake.

Fake?

Out of the way, boy.

If you're looking for anti-chafing balm,

they're out.

Could I have ended up

at Beto Carreiro World?

Hi. Can you tell me

where to get some water around here?

Thanks.

Oh, what a relief.

What a blessing.

Where in heaven's name am I?

I'm either dreaming,

or I drank spoiled cachaça.

I won't worry if I'm dreaming.

If it's spoiled cachaça,

then it'll wear off.

I might be going crazy.

If the cachaça wears off,

I won't be too concerned.

If I'm going crazy,

then I will be concerned.

What about you?

Are you real or a hologram?

Hey, my good man, how are you?

Have you seen a man named Ribanelson

or my g*ng by any chance?

-A bunch of people dressed as cangaceiros.

-How would I know about your g*ng?

That's kind of rude.

Well, have you seen them or not?

-A g*ng?

-Yes.

-Ribanelson?

-Yes.

I can't tell you, Captain.

Why not?

Because I don't know.

This is a park. He's a robot.

What are you thinking

using that tone with Lampião?

He's wiped out villages

because of idiots like you.

You're such an eavesdropper.

Always listening

to other people's business,

digging into people's lives,

aren't you, Ms. Zulmira?

Why do you think he's returned?

Alone?

And walking bowlegged like that?

Maybe he shat himself.

Maybe his ba*ls are too heavy

from dealing with blabbermouths like you.

Or rude people like you.

I have a lot of everything

and plenty of variety.

And what I don't have on this donkey

either doesn't exist, is sold out,

or the donkey forgot to bring.

How nice, a flea market!

-How are you?

-I'm fine, sir.

Man, this park is absolutely great.

-Your costume is flawless.

-Thanks, Captain.

I'm hungry. Where's the food court?

Do you have a park map?

Park map! Park map?

Sorry, Captain, they just sold out.

Don't worry. I'll get you one in no time.

God help me if I'm ever in debt to you.

Pray to Mary and all the saints.

-What flavor park map do you want?

-Flavor?

Man, this park is really impressive.

There was a robot over there

that was very well-made.

-Who owns this park?

-Colonel Tibúrcio.

-He probably has a lot of money.

-A lot of money and many armed men too.

Come on, confess.

I…

-I swap the mass wine for cachaça.

-Not that.

I'm talking about Lampião's money.

Did he say where he hid his stash

before he left for Mossoró?

If Lampião didn't tell you, his friend,

why would he have told me?

Don't lie to me!

I want to where he hid it.

I believe that when he comes back

loaded from his heist in Mossoró,

he'll stash it all in the same place.

I don't know why

you have a problem with Lampião.

Although he's violent,

he's never done anything bad

to the people here.

Everyone here respects him,

and he respects them.

They respect him out of fear!

That's a dangerous thing.

The people must respect only me.

And out of admiration.

A town like this one,

as small as a lizard's butt-hole,

has no room for two chiefs.

Be straight with me,

or there will be hell to pay.

And let me make something perfectly clear.

Whoever is on my side and obeys me

will be counting their blessings.

But whoever is against me

will have their nuts roasted in hell.

So?

My son,

given those two options,

how could I say no to heaven?

That's the spirit!

It'll take Lampião a while

to get back from Mossoró,

and when he does,

this place will be very different.

We have a deal.

-Let's pray the Our Father.

-Hail, Mary, full of grace…

-Our Father, who art in heaven…

-…the Lord is with thee.

…hallowed be Thy name…

Blessed art thou amongst women…

-…on earth, as it is in heaven.

-…and blessed is the fruit of Thy womb.

Thy will be done.

Get out of here, scoundrel!

-I'll pay!

-Go away, go!

Put it on Lampião's tab!

-What's up?

-Captain!

-I meant my brother's tab.

-No need to pay for anything.

I'm curious, do you like soccer?

If you do, I do, Captain.

Who scored the only goal for Brazil

against Germany?

I don't know that one.

But if Germany won,

it was either thanks to you

or Padre Cícero.

Hey, young lady.

Good morning, Captain.

Do you know where there's a cybercafé

or good internet around here?

-Sure. Ivonete!

-Hi.

She's really good.

Not only can she make coffee,

she knows how to flog a good sausage,

and will even cuddle afterward.

-Really well.

-I think you misunderstood.

-I need another type of connection.

-That's not a problem. Conceição!

I'm here, Ms. Escandalosa.

She's from the South.

Yeah. South of the border.

-She learns easily.

-Very easily.

-She can dunk your biscuit.

-And get it really wet.

-She can peel a banana.

-One-handed.

If you try her lobster tail

and roasted chicken breasts,

oh, Captain,

they're finger-licking good.

I'll lick them for you.

Thank you.

-I feel like I'm in a time travel movie.

-Newspaper for sale!

Hello, Captain.

What's the latest edition?

This one's just printed.

The ink's still fresh.

-It's about Washington.

-Washington, D.C.?

I don't know if he likes the sea,

I just know he's the current president.

Okay. Thanks.

News and poetry!

If Washington is the current president,

then this isn't a park.

Come in, sister. Come in.

Jesus Christ awaits inside.

Jesus Christ awaits inside.

Jesus Christ awaits insi--

-Father?

-Brother!

Jesus Christ! Captain?

Can you tell me

where I can find Padre Cícero?

Oh, he's probably down by Juazeiro.

Didn't you used to be

blind in one eye, Captain?

-Did I?

-Yeah.

I did. But Padre Cícero

performed a miracle via Wi-Fi.

A miracle by Padre Cícero?

But if God and the Virgin Mary

and San Antônio of Categeró

and all the other saints help,

he'll come

to our town patroness saint's fair.

Weren't you with him last year?

Juazeiro, 1926.

I really did go back in time.

You went back in time,

or you haven't gone yet?

And if you've yet to go, why?

I don't have time now.

I need to find a way out.

Later, Bishop.

Bishop?

-Hey, Brother.

-Bishop. Captain said I'm a bishop.

And did he say

if he gave up invading Mossoró?

He left here with a bunch of people

30 minutes ago and he's already back.

Did he lose something?

He lost nothing.

You should lose your curiosity

about other people's lives.

-How do you know about Mossoró?

-I don't judge, I only report what I hear.

Look, I'll make an exception

because this is an urgent matter.

Therefore, thou shalt gossip

in the name of Jesus.

But only once. Go tell Colonel

that Lampião is back.

Hurry!

Hurry up! You blabbermouth!

-Colonel, you don't have to go to church.

-Why not?

Tell me your sins

and I'll go confess them for you.

Rufino, my sin

is having to hear this every day.

-You're such an a*s-kisser.

-What?

-What are you saying?

-a*s-kisser.

You're not an a*s-kisser. Come on, man up.

Colonel!

Get ready! Here comes

the biggest gossip in the Sertão.

Colonel!

-Come on, spit it out.

-I have really important news.

What do you have to tell me

that wouldn't make me

feel like tying your tongue in a knot?

But, Colonel, I only came

because I thought you'd be interested.

I don't have time for gossip, Zulmira.

I came to tell you about Lampião's return.

-What?

-If you don't wanna know, I won't say.

-I don't like gossip.

-I didn't mean it. Is it really Lampião?

-Lampião.

-He's back now?

-He is.

-Who told you?

Nobody told me.

I saw him with my very own eyes.

And said it with Satan's tongue.

-Shut your mouth, Rufino!

-Sorry, Colonel.

If he's back, it's a chance

to find out where he buried his stash.

-What stash?

-Who said stash?

-You.

-I didn't. Did you?

-No.

-You did.

I said "S-T-A-M-A-S-H". Smash.

S-T-A-S-H, "stash."

-No, I said "smash."

-Stash.

-Smash.

-Stash.

-Smash!

-Stash!

Enough! Are you trying to confuse me,

you chatterbox?

Are you deaf as well as a gossip?

-Let's go, Rufino.

-Let's go.

Fine, smash.

-Come on!

-But you did say stash.

Go!

Let's go!

To hell with all of you.

Patty-cake, patty-cake

It's Mariá!

-Let's see what she brought us.

-Mariá!

-Mariá!

-Mariá!

-Mariá!

-I know you brought us rapadura.

There's no rapadura today.

There's something else.

-Who likes cornbread?

-Me!

Here. But be careful. It's hot.

Now go eat and play.

I have lots to do at Colonel's farm.

Did you come alone through the forest?

Without an escort?

Do I look like I need an escort?

Ever since I was as little as you,

I took care of myself.

Let me tell you a secret.

I didn't come alone.

Jaguars followed me the whole time!

-Bye, Mariá!

-Bye!

God bless you!

Maybe being in the past is not that bad.

There's so much beauty.

So much grace, so much playfulness.

-Your blessing, Lampião!

-Your blessing.

God bless you, little goblins.

I'll give you a real if you tell me

who that beautiful lady is.

Oh, it's Mariá, the seamstress.

But she's out of even your league.

-What's a real?

-It's like a dollar, but worth less.

Less than the price on your head?

My head?

-Where are my clothes?

-No idea, Captain.

Who was the son of a wench

who dared take the clothes

of Virgulino Ferreira da Silva,

also known as Lampião?

I really am in the past.

-I'm screwed, I look exactly like--

-Lampião.

Look, Colonel Tibúrcio, it's Lampião.

-Good morning, Captain.

-Help me, Padre Cícero.

IN MEMORY OF