03x01 - Hermits Unite

[bunniefuu]

JOHN LURIE: Previously on
Painting with John...

[ALL VOCALIZE]

♪ ["PAINTING WITH JOHN
NEW OPENING"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

-[BIRDS CHIRPING]
-Hello.

[VOCALIZES]

Welcome to Painting with John.

♪ ["HUM BA"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

[VOCALIZES]

♪ Ah, yeah, yeah
Ah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ah, yeah, yeah
Ah, ooh, hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah
Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

-♪ Hey! ♪
-♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Hey, yeah, yeah ♪

Oh, hello.

You know...

I don't know why
they gave me my own show

'cause I'm a mess.

Really. [CHUCKLES]

We started out doing this
as it was just gonna be

these little clips
that we posted on social media

to cheer people up but...

the world is getting
to me lately.

I really thought, by this point,

the human beings
would be doing better.

So I'm going
through a grim period.

And I can't even cheer
my own self up.

So you people are on your own.

Sorry.

♪ ["GB-14"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

JOHN:
We had to go back to New York,

and on the way back here...

First, we're taking
a Lyft to the airport,

and there's this guy
blocking three lanes,

like at the departure thing.

And the Lyft driver
politely asked him

to just move his car
a little bit

and he starts screaming.
And then...

we go to check in
at the curbside thing,

and they say,
"No, you have to go inside."

So we go inside, stand in line,
and get to the end.

"Now you have
to go back outside." Okay.

And this woman
with her luggage cart

just smashes into my leg,
into my Achilles, and--

I went, "Ow!"
And she looks at me and says,

"Well, you veered into me."

And then she laughs
and then kept walking--

I mean, it's just like, why...

So even if it was--
I had veered into her,

which I'm pretty sure I hadn't,
and it was entirely my fault,

that she hurt somebody else
and then just--

just a weird f*cking...

Then we get to the gate,
and the flight's two hours late,

and they call my row,
and so I go.

And there's a huge crowd
in front trying to, you know.

The attendant says,
"What are you doing?"

I said,
"Well, you called my row."

And she says, "Let me see!"

She takes my passport
and my boarding pass,

she says, "Wait right here."

But there's a lot of people
right here, and it's like...

[INHALES DEEPLY]
And so, I waited for ten minutes

and then I said, "f*ck this."
And I went back, you know.

And then I saw the crowd
sort of start to move forward,

so then I went back
to my spot and she goes,

"I told you not to move."

I said, "Well,
you know, there is COVID."

"Well, you're wearing a mask,
you won't get it."

I said, "Okay." And...

"Now, wait right here."
I go and wait right there

for another ten minutes,
and then they say, "Uh,

you know, the flight's
even more delayed."

So we go
and sit down in that area.

And I'm thinking...

"I think I'll never leave
the house again."

It's like the human beings
are just getting so ugly.

I... It's just... And this--

It's getting to me.

So across from us,
there's a family.

Muslim family.
She's-- Head's covered.

This daughter, young daughter,

sitting reading a book,
but she keeps falling asleep.

And the older daughter
is really uncomfortable.

She's too dignified
to lie down on the floor

and sleep.

They've obviously
been through something,

you know,
and they've been travelling

and they're
going through something.

And the father is just kinda...

Tough looking guy.

Whose strong
and has the face of,

if you were casting a movie
and want--

needed somebody to be a...

an enforcer for the Chechen mob,
you would hire him.

He was a tough looking guy.

And his daughter...

who...

is clearly exhausted,
and she sort of climbs

into his lap.

But now she's like

and this might have worked
two years ago,

but now, it's like,
arms and legs everywhere

and she can't get comfortable,
and he's trying really hard,

though he's clearly exhausted,

but to put his body in a way
that she can fall asleep on him.

And he's really
patient with her,

and it's kind of beautiful
to watch.

So finally she gets
into this position now

where she's comfortable
with one arm going this way,

and-- But, he's--
And he's sort of holding her.

But the sun is coming
through the window,

right into her eyes.

And this m*therf*cker, man,
it was so-- just so beautiful.

He takes his hand
and he holds his hand

about two inches
from her face to block the sun.

And then he just sat there,

for as long as
I was still there,

for, like, 45 minutes,
he sat there with it.

And I was like, "Okay."

And then I came back
a little bit on the humans.

I gave them another chance.

♪ ["TWO RED BIRDS
WITH MANY HANKS"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONTINUES] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

[INHALES SHARPLY]

Wow!

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

Well, look at this.

It's the face of Jesus.

Do you see it?

Oh, damn!

Ow!

It's Jesus again.

Two Jesuses.

♪ ["HERMITS UNITE"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

JOHN: I wanted
to show you this place...

because it's beautiful here.

We have this innate drive
once we see a place like this,

to build something.

A hotel, a casino, a car wash.

Whatever.

This impulse,
this drive to produce things,

to increase production,

has served human beings well
for a long time.

It improved our lives.

But now we have
to curb this impulse.

The planet wants no more of it.

Of course,
there are the horrors of greed

and corruption and oil spills.

But your job
for now is just to do less.

We have to slow things
to a halt.

Hermits unite.

Boycott everything.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

Vince Lombardi.

It-- It's Vince Lo--
Can you see it?

It's Vince Lombardi.
Clearly, you can--

Yeah? And you see,

this says "HOF",
which means Hall of Fame.

"Hall of Fame coach,
Vince Lombardi."

Can you read it?

[DOG BARKING]

"HOF coach, Vince Lombardi."

Yeah. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

I'm gonna save these.

This show got 100 percent
on Rotten Tomatoes,

which apparently is a big deal.

Yet we won no awards.

I have a feeling they don't know
how to categorize it.

My best guess is,
it's a variety show.

♪ ["HABBA HAPPATOO
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

JOHN: ♪ Hey, habba happatoo
Habba happatee, habba happatoo ♪

♪ Whoa, habba happatoo ♪

♪ Habba, ha, ha
Habba happatoo, happatoo ♪

♪ Have a happatoo, ha
Habba happatoo ♪

♪ Happatoo
Have a happatoo, happatoo ♪

♪ Have a happatee, happatoo
h*, h* ♪

♪ Happatee, happatee
Habba happatoo, h* ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

JOHN: Clams.

Clams.

Clams with tartar sauce.

And some fried fish
with tartar sauce.

Hmm.

Tartar sauce.

It's good.

♪ ["HELIUM BALLOON"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

[INHALES SHARPLY] Ouch! Ouch!

Well, that's Jimmy Hoffa.

Pretty sure.

Jimmy Hoffa.

Maybe it's not Jimmy Hoffa.
I don't know who that is.

Jimmy Hoffa.

Yeah, Jimmy Hoffa.

I would like to now warn you
about the horrendous dangers

-of binge watching.
-♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

I have been addicted
to several things in this life.

But there is nothing as heinous
as the perils of binge watching.

I understand how it can happen.
It has happened to me.

You come home,
you've had a hard day,

could've been a good day,
could've been a bad day,

but you're really, really tired.

But you're not the kind of tired
where you want to go to sleep.

So you think
you'll watch something

on one of the many
streaming services,

and you find
a show that has this actor

that was really compelling
in something else,

they were just marvelous.

And so you pick the show
that they're in.

And it starts, and the music,

right off the bat, the music
is bland and pedestrian,

and the writing
is just terrible.

And this actor
that you've seen before...

they're not so good in this.

They seem to have sunk
to the level of the other acting

and the writing.

And at the end of the episode,

there's a little box
that comes up that says,

"Next episode."

This little box is your enemy.

But you're not quite sleepy yet.

You're not ready
to go to sleep yet.

So you click on the little box.

Episode two is even worse
than episode one.

It's like the writers
put all the good stuff

into episode one
and now it's really bad,

but all these complicated plots
are introduced.

And...

at the end of episode two
is where your problems

really begin.

And it's not your fault.

It happens.

But when the box that says
"next episode" comes up...

you don't know why,
but you click it.

At six o'clock in the morning...

on episode seven,
when the little box comes up,

you pause it for a moment.

You rush to use the bathroom,

look in the mirror and see
you're not looking very good.

You send out emails,

cancelling all your appointments
for the next day.

The sun is going down,

and you're on season two,
episode four.

This goes on...

and on and on.

Next episode, "click."

You get up to use the bathroom
and you look a little worse.

You grab a bag of chips,
and you watch into the next day.

Days go by of this.

You don't answer your phone,
you don't answer your emails,

you don't respond to text.

Three weeks go by,

and your friends and family
come to do an intervention.

But you've boarded up the doors,
they'll never get in.

And it goes on like this,

into season seven,
and your life is ruined.

And you tell yourself...

that you just want to know
how the thing resolves.

That's what you want.

But that--
You know that's not really true

'cause you've watched
this kind of sh*t before,

and the last episode,
it's always--

Gets tied up really quickly
in some just ridiculous way.

"Oh, he k*lled 11 people,

but the police find out
the other guy was the bad guy,

so it's fine."

"Oh, the plane crash.
She wasn't on the pl--"

I mean,
it's just always nonsense.

They just tie it together
with nonsense.

And some part of your brain
is telling you,

"No. You are just avoiding life.

That's why
you're watching this."

The only advice I have here is,

if you're going
to watch something

on one of
the streaming services,

make sure it only has
no more than three seasons.

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

And my promise to you is...

there will be nothing
at the end of this show

that makes you want
to keep watching.

Except episode two,
I think, is really special.

-Next on Painting with John...
-♪ ["JOHN g*n WALK"
BY JOHN LURIE PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

♪ ["THE FIRST AND ROYAL QUEEN"
BY THE LOUNGE LIZARDS PLAYING] ♪

♪ [SONG CONCLUDES] ♪