01x04 - The World's Oldest Profession

[bunniefuu]

[in English]
Chop, chop!

Yes, coming.

[clears throat]

-European Association of Banks.
-Yes, and?

I have a lobbyist badge
but my trainee doesn't.

She should be listed
as a visitor for the day

under MEP Frantz Kurz.

Frantz Kurz.

-Oh, yes. Rose Pilkington?
-Yes.

-I'll need an ID, please.
-Ah, yes. Here you go.

Am I registered on your thing?

-Yes, why?
-No, nothing.

f*ck.

-Everything Okay?
-Yes.

I just used to work here,

so I thought maybe conflict
of interests.

We all used to work here.
No worries.

But you've quit
your assistant job, right?

Yes.
Yes, I handed my resignation.

Yeah, it's more
of a privacy thing for me.

I know.

Transparency
is getting out of hand.

Soon they'll be testing us
for STDs. Hopefully not.

But for now, we're all
under the Lobbyist Register,

as will you be if you pass
this trial and join the European

Association of Banks:
"Your credit, our mission."

Banks!

Okay,
here is your accreditation.

Thank you.

MEP Kurz is waiting for you.

Appearances are everything.

We are the face,

the pretty face, if I might
say so, of an industry.

Millions of jobs, plenty
at stake. From the trader

in London worrying
about his year-end bonus,

to the banker
at your local branch

who's dying to say
"yes" to that man

who really wants
to start a business.

Or to the indebted family

who really wants to offer
their last son a future

and pay for university fees,
or a new kitesurf for Christmas,

we're not here to judge.

We are here for them.

MEPs have been hyperventilating

since the 2008 crisis.

They want to regulate banks
to death.

Right now they're fixated

-on retail banking.
-Yes, interesting.

They've been churning out
amendments like mad.

And we want them
to drop those, yes.

-God, no!
-No.

[chuckling] Not at all.

For every problem, there
are several possible solutions.

There are some we like
and some we don't like.

Influence, persuade, convince,

lobbying has always been
necessary in every society.

My boss says that lobbying is
the world's oldest profession.

Loosen up a bit, girl.

We're not going to church.

Oh, darling. How are you?

Sorry, I just...
Can I get my shoes, please?

I've got some shoes in there.

-Chop, chop, chop!
-Yes.

I'll come back for my shoes.

[gasps]

[in French]

[in English]
What are you doing here?

-Well, I was waiting for you.
-Why behind the door?

To scare you.

[in French]

[in English]
Are you here in behalf

of Ingeborg to make sure I've
untabled the finning amendment?

Yeah, man, that's it!
Oh, thank you!

I was waiting behind that door
for so long, I forgot.

I zoned out.
Zoned out. I'm sorry.

Did you untable it?

Not yet.

I don't know, man.

For a minute, I thought
I could make a difference.

Where are you going?

Where's your MEP?

He went to Fiji or something.

I love when MEPs
are on international trips.

It's like the film where
Macauley Culkin is forgotten

by his parents and gets molested

by these two creepy
home invaders.

[in French]

[in English]
That's not what happens

-in the movie.
-Dude, just drop that amendment.

Do like me, take some good time.
Enjoy your youth.

When people say, "enjoying
their youth", they mean

going to Thailand
and taking MDMA.

Most people have lousy dreams
they got from denim commercials.

That's probably the most
intelligent thing you've said.

Bingo!

We have another MEP
from the Greens in five minutes.

One floor up, 11.

Then two socialists in a row.
I thought we could see all three

at the same time,
do a group thing, but then

I thought it would be a bit
intense for your first day.

Perhaps, yeah.

[clears throat]

So who's next?

-The next one is rough.
-How so?

He likes playing hard.

[in French]

[knocking on door]

[in English]
Hello, hello, Mr Jaager.

Come in, come in.

[in French]

[in English]
Come in, please.

Thank you.

-Take a seat.
-Yes.

Okay.

[clears throat]

Okay.

-This is for my webpage.
-Oh, sh*t.

I publish all my meeting
with lobbyists.

[camera clicks]

[in French]

[in English]
As you know,

I never meet you guys alone.

-Let's go.
-Yes.

Okay.

Shall we?

-[grunts]
-[clatters]

What are you doing, Torsten?

It's just so not cool

that nobody got him
a corkscrew as a gift.

It's so simple.

We're not gonna drink wine.
It's not even 10.

It's sweet,
the perfect breakfast wine.

There's no such thing
as a breakfast wine.

And there's nothing
to celebrate.

-I've not given up on finning.
-I do not understand

why you put yourself in such
a state over a little pawn.

[bangs]

What are you doing?

I saw it on YouTube.

What do you mean "a pawn"?

It's...

The finning is just a pawn
to get a castle

on Ingeborg's chess game.

Can you explain it?
What do you mean?

One, two, three, four, five.

-Really?
-Yeah.

[sighs]

Don't put your feet
on my amendment.

Don't put it beneath my feet.

Let me explain to you something.
It's called "a b*mb".

You put something expl*sive
in a report you don't like

to defuse a b*mb
from someone else

in another report you do like.

You Spanish want
to f*ck with my pet project?

Well, I've got this finning
amendment that I can blow up

and it's gonna f*ck
your constituents hard.

It's like a bargaining chip.

-A chip, a pawn, a b*mb...
-That's it.

I never knew how good I was
at metaphors.

That's so creative.

I'm not gonna untable
the amendment and doom

a whole species for your boss's
little political agenda!

-Are you texting Ingeborg?
-Yeah.

Wait, I might not untable it.

-I just have to think about it.
-Wait.

Wait, she's writing back.

Okay, I'll do it.

I just have to make up my mind
and that's fine.

She's inviting you for lunch
at the MEPs' restaurant.

Well, that's... scary.

[in French]

[thudding]

[clears throat]

[laughs]

[clears throat]

[in English]
The issue is more

with the article
on safeguards, Article 43.

-44.
-Yes, sorry, Article 44.

That's why we think
your amendments on Article 76

-would be bad for business.
-Yes.

But would it be bad for

people?

The damage that
this kind of regulation

could do to the sector...

I think the banking sector has
been causing more damage than...

That wasn't
your initial position.

I like to try different

positions.

You have to pick one in the end.

And you know
what's best for me, I suppose.

We could find a position
that satisfies us both.

That would require
some level of creativity.

All right.

I think we're done here.

I could come again with our
association's detailed proposals

-That won't be necessary, Miss.
-Okay.

You do the lobbying,
I do the law-making.

Okay.

Thank you.

-Goodbye.
-That was great. Bye.

Thanks for coming.

Oh, goodbye, sorry.
I was distracted.

-Rose?
-Yes, coming, sorry.

[sighs]

That was tough.

I like it like that.

God, I love it like that.

Okay, each to their own.

-Rose?
-What? Yes.

I haven't untabled it yet.
I will do it after lunch.

She convinced me. It's over.

And she did not even invite me
for lunch, man!

Yeah, she doesn't eat.

Really? She never has lunch?

I have never seen her ingest
anything solid. Ever.

-Like... Ever.
-Yeah.

-Ever.
-Yeah, I get it.

That's because she gets
all the nutriments

from the children's blood
she sucks every day

in her dungeon. [laughing]

-She's a vampire.
-Yeah.

And probably it's just babies,
you know?

With, like, little penises.
[laughing]

Samy.

[in French]

[tense music]

Food fight!

[sighs]

[chuckling]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music continues]

[in English]
What?

Well, you look... different.

You're not wearing trousers.

And yet you look more
uncomfortable than me. [laughs]

I'm on a try-out for a new job.

They asked me
to dress like this.

"What, you're an escort?"
Very funny and clever.

I didn't say anything.

Plus, I'm the one who's not
wearing trousers. [chuckles]

-So, you're an escort now?
-Stop it.

I'm on a try-out
to be a lobbyist, so...

This is painful.

I didn't know you smoked.

Well, you know, I'm trying
it out. Fits the character, no?

I'm no expert but isn't it like
highly ill*gal to be both

an MEP assistant
and a trainee lobbyist?

Regarding conflict of interests?

I quit my job as
an assistant first, of course.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I sent Sharon
a resignation email.

She's in Fiji and I'm in charge
of checking her emails, so...

So, you can actually get your
job back by deleting an email?

-Yeah, something like that.
-[chuckles]

[sighs]

Nice purse.

Thanks,
it was a gift from a client.

So...

And what's up with you?

I was thinking, I might not drop
the sharks in the end.

-Really?
-Yeah.

Let me guess.
You ran into a lobbyist?

Well...

[quirky music]

[sighs]

Rose?

Rose?

-Rose!
-No!

Okay, I did!
But not that kind of lobbyist!

-Yeah?
-Yeah!

They said that there are
no unimportant struggles,

how sharks don't deserve to die

simply because they don't vote,
that kind of thing?

Okay, Guido is a lobbyist,

but he actually advocates
for fishermen, so...

Guide Bonafide?

He works for a consulting firm.

So?

So he's a g*n for hire.

Yesterday he was working
for fishermen,

today for an environmental NGO.
In fact,

I can check, because...

[laughs]

-What?
-Yeah.

He actually is, since yesterday.

It's on the Parliament
Lobbyist Register.

Since yesterday.

[in French]

[in English]
Yep.

I hate this place. Wait, Rose.
What should I do?

-Maybe put some pants on.
-[fake laugh]

It's funny. Seriously,
I'm lost. Can you help me?

No, I can't.
I have to go and meet

a client at Crowne Plaza.

For a drink, so...

-For a normal...
-I didn't say anything.

Okay, good, cos I didn't mean
anything by that.

-Yeah, okay. Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

Have a nice evening.

[upbeat music]

[door clanging]

[in French]

[in English]
Anyone have the key

for the door?

[in French]

[knocking on door]

[in English]
Make way for the People's Army!

Rose?

Rose?

There you are.

-Hi, Sharon.
-Hello.

-How are you?
-Good.

Yes? How was Fiji?

Did you know those people
are ours? I didn't know that.

Well, they're members
of the Commonwealth, but...

So... [sighs]

It's so nice to be home.

Did anything special happen
while I wasn't here?

-No, nothing, business as usual.
-Good.

Cos during one of those
boring meetings in Fiji,

I was checking on my emails...

Yes, I actually have got
a gift for you. [chuckles]

A little welcome-home gift,
thought you'd like it.

That's nice!

-That's very nice.
-Yeah?

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

-That's a lovely purse.
-I've got work to do.

A very nice bag.

Thank you.

I like it.

[clears throat]

[exhales]

Eamon?

[tense music]

[in French]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[upbeat music]