01x07 - I Was a Teenage Lawbert

[bunniefuu]

-[gentle music playing]
-[bells tinkling]

[spaghetti Western music playing]

[distant bird screeches]

[squawks]

We got one!

[cheering]

-[joyful music playing]
-Happy Thanksgivin', fellas!

-[all cheering]
-Yeah!

[♪ "Wang Dang" by Bob Destiny playing]

Welcome to What Happens in Vegas
in the Morning, A.M. Edition.

I'm Margo Wahlburger.

Today I'm joined by local exotic dancer,
Barry Chandelier.

If you haven't seen his p*nis,
you've definitely seen his face

in commercials for the legal firm
of Gumb and Flambé.

Barry, welcome to the show.

It says here that
you also collect vintage license plates.

-[laughter]
-Oh, we'll get to that, Margo!

But first, I wanna talk
about a cause very dear to me.

Our ignorant,
antiquated age-of-consent laws!

-[audience murmuring]
-[woman] No!

[Lincoln] Jesus.

I know. This is bad, right?

Maybe it'll blow over?

Says there are people
outside Barry's house,

shouting for his arms
to be tied to one plane

while his legs are tied to another

and both planes take off
in different directions.

We can't afford a new commercial,

but we should sh**t ten new seconds
to replace Barry.

Sheila, as creative director,
you take the lead.

[burst of "Blinded by the Light" plays]

-The lead?
-Ooh! And I can help.

All teens know
how to edit video now. [laughs]

It's weird!

Of course. I fully trust both of you.

Kevin, a word? I don't trust them at all.

I need you to watch these two maniacs
like a hawk

and make sure they don't bankrupt me
and/or k*ll anyone.

Oh boy, that's a lot of pressure.

You know,
back when I was defusing bombs in Iraq...

Don't let me down on this, Kev.
You're my guy.

Your… guy?

[burst of "Blinded by the Light" plays]

Guess that just leaves you and me, Glem.
Sort of a father-and-son situation.

You're not my dad.

So what crazy adventures
are you up to today?

[scoffs] I'm conducting jury selection
for an upcoming case.

You know I actually work here, right?

I'm not just
this generation's Ralph Wiggum.

Jury selection, huh?

Why don't I tag along?
See how the ol' sausage gets made?

It's not from dogs!

I mean, sure, you can come.

Good luck fixing the ad, guys.

Remember, just replace the Barry part.
Don't go nuts.

♪ Blinded by the light ♪

-[music ends]
-Bye, Lincoln! Have fun!

We need an all-new ad

that shows off exactly what
Sheila Flambé brings to the firm,

both Razzle and Dazzle, which,
as you know, are the names of my t*ts,

but also my showmanship.

And a big stunt at the end,
like someone leapin' off a building!

Guys, call me, heh, "trad,"
but what about a commercial

where someone looks straight
into the camera and says,

"Gumb and Flambé.
Call us if you need a lawyer"?

Kevin, I would slap you,
but you don't deserve the b*ner.

So, Sheila, I was thinkin', uh, maybe,
you know, to replace Barry in the ad,

maybe… maybe we could have
a little mascot for the firm,

like Grimace or The General or somethin'.

-You know, no big deal.
-Irene.

Not only is that a good idea,
but it made me think of a joke

where I say, "The General Grimace
would be a good nickname for you."

Sure, draw somethin' up.
He can say the phone number at the end.

Yes! Can I buy a tablet to draw him on?

Sure! Money is no object.

Actually…

Do not enjoy that!

[Glem] Okay, so this is how it works.

There's 20 potential jurors,
which we have to narrow down to 12.

Each side gets to veto four
of the opposing counsel's selections,

so the whole thing is an intricate dance,
like hate sex between two porcupines.

You're overthinking this.
I crush with juries.

We just need to weed out any weirdos

who randomly hate me,
Lincoln, the protagonist.

Well, if it isn't Phlegm Blorchman.

And Little Lincoln Dumb.

Is Baby conducting
his very first jury selection?

Babies are precious angels
whose brains are always growing,

so thank you for the compliment.

-What's with the getup? [laughs]
-Yeah! Robocop called.

He had nothin' to say
about your computer-lookin' a*s,

but he did mention
he porked your stupid wife!

I'll have you know
this is the top-of-the-line

in CBS's Bull-style
jury selection technology.

It analyzes body language,
facial expressions,

and basically knows
what anyone is thinking.

Oh yeah?
What am I thinking about, as*h*le?

[whirring]

[computer] The scene in Ally McBeal
where she kisses Lucy Liu.

Hey, that's because of law stuff!

-Good luck, children. You'll need it.
-[gadgets whirring]

Don't worry,
gadgets and gizmos are no match for Glem.

Watch this.

Ladies and gentlemen,
voir dire means to speak the truth,

and the truth is a bit of a tricky thing,

and in that spirit,
my first question for you is

who likes roaches?

-[yelps]
-You! Excused!

You can't fool me. Those roaches are fake.

Those were fake, but these aren't!

[screams] Real roaches!

-[all gasping]
-Also excused.

[computer] He's blowing it.

[Irene] Why are we recasting
Uncle Lincoln?

Because he's not here,

and he's got a terminal case
of Pete Buttigieg energy.

Whenever you're ready.

-[bleep]
-Mayor George Wallace.

I'm six feet three inches tall,
willing to shave.

Ahem. I'm Lincoln,
and I think corn is too spicy.

[bleep]

Howdy, I'm Lingus Bung.

I'll never shut up
about how great Paddington 2 is.

Well, everyone's off book so far.

-[bleep]
-Shagadelic, baby!

[slow clapping]

We have found our Lingus Bung.

Shagadelic, baby!

[Kevin] Of course it's a masterpiece,

but Paddington 2 couldn't exist
without Paddington 1.

What did you say?

We need to talk, Sheila.
We're ten grand over budget.

That's it!
That's exactly what Lincoln would say.

You're our Lincoln.
Hit the bricks, fake Austin Powers.

[American accent] Gah! Don't call me
Austin Powers. I'll get sued.

My name is, uh…

[British accent] Houston Abilities, baby.

But, Sheila, I've never acted.

Actin' is easy. Just say some words
and think you're better than everyone.

Especially hardworking cartoon writers.

[burst of tense music]

Plus, it'll save us some money,

which I can use
for the big money-burning scene.

-How's it going with the mascot, Irene?
-[laughs] Oh, great!

I'm giving him the warmth of Elmo,
the quiet dignity of Frankenstein,

the revolutionary spirit of Bob Marley,
and eyeballs, like Mozart.

Yeah, Mozart did have eyeballs. Nice work.

But he'll need some kinda law name,
like Gavelicious,

or Cordo the Legal Lawyer, or, uh…

[both gasp] Lawbert! Perfect!

I'll get to work on the costume!

[chuckles] Thanks
for lettin' me help, Sheila.

We make a great team.

I will definitely remember
we shared this moment.

Okay, next audition. Stuntmen!

[burst of "Three Blind Mice" plays]

-[electronic music playing]
-[whirring]

According to your Internet history,
you've reviewed the Happy Poppy Café as,

and I quote,
"A hidden boho gym," end quote.

Oh, man, I love that place. They do these…

[both] …baked eggs in little ramekins.

According to another review by Lincoln G.

Computer, please,
identify personality type.

[computer] Juror is an L7 meanie.

Excused, Your Honor.

Computer, thanks for using outdated slang
someone my age can understand.

Anchors away, home slice.

That son of a b*tch.

He just deprived me of a sympathetic juror

and a PBP, potential brunch pal.

Oh, can we go already? I'm bored!

I'm a rich businessman,
and if I'm away too long,

my son will try to have sex
with his beautiful stepmother.

Wow, you are rich,
and have a ton of unpaid parking tickets.

Who cares? The law should be used
to punish poor people!

I side with the most powerful person
in any argument!

[Steve] Works for me.

He stays, Your Honor.

That guy is gonna hate me.

Glem, Steve is stacking the deck.
We gotta do something.

Easy, tiger. I know what I'm doin'.

[sighs]

[gentle country music playing]

[tinkles]

Ladies and…

Ow! Oof! Ugh!

[wailing]

[screaming] Ah! Help me!

[gasping] That wasn't part of it!

-Oh God! Oh God, my teeth!
-[murmuring]

My teeth!
Why isn't anyone helping me? How do I…

[groans] Oh!

Oh, thank you, kind stranger.

-And… there's the door!
-[gasps]

You're outta here!

Now, who else wants to be a hero?

Overruled! You're the most
boring lawyer I've ever seen.

Lincoln Gumb is missing
a crucial counterpart.

It's true, sir.

Can I go cry in the bathroom
and pretend like I didn't,

even though everyone could hear me?

No! I sentence your clients
to death! From boredom!

I object! To business as usual.

[rock music playing]

[cheering]

[tires screech]

-I am saved!
-And so are you, honey.

Just call the law offices
of Gumb and Flambé.

Woo-hoo! Flimity-flam!

I'm Lawbert, God's perfect law baby!

It's Lawberin' time!
Call 1-800-LAWBERT-DOT-COM!

♪ Ba-da-ba-ba-ba! ♪

I'm Lawbin' it!

Cut! Irene, what was that?

You said, like, four catchphrases

and didn't even say
the right phone number!

And it was incredible!
This is what we needed!

Lawbert should be the whole commercial!

-[gasps]
-♪ Blinded by the light ♪

♪ Revved up like a deuce... ♪

-[music stops]
-♪ La-la-la-la-la ♪

Okay, people,
we are startin' from scratch!

Take five hours on the clock
while I talk to my star!

-[bell rings]
-Oh, and talk to Kevin about overtime.

He's Lincoln's guy.

[burst of somber music plays]

Okey-dokey!

-[wistful music playing]
-Hey, Glembo!

Change of plans today.
Why don't I take point?

Give you and the roaches a day off?

Yeah, are you sure?
I… I know I make it look easy, but…

I'm gonna make these people love me.

Why don't you sit back
and read a physical newspaper

like one of those guys right by
the front door of every laundromat?

Fair enough.

[gasps] Someone shot Reagan?

Sup, guys? I'm just like y'all.
I don't wanna be here either.

Rather be watching Monster Trucks

on my flat-screen I can't afford
with my needy spouse.

-This guy knows what I'm talkin' about.
-Uh… I… do I have to…

You're in, my man. Dilly-dilly.

Man, this guy sucks.

[scoffs] As if. Your Honor,
I've had enough of this hater.

I hereby excuse...

Diarrhea!

Your Honor, I have incredible diarrhea

and I request a dia-recess.

Ugh! Let's just be done for the day.
We'll wrap this up tomorrow.

Glem! Jesus, even for you this is...

Come on, let me buy you a drink.

-[buzz of voices]
-[urgent music playing]

[camel bellows]

-Irene, Sheila needs you on set.
-[door opens]

-[dance music playing]
-Lawbert, call me Lawbert.

Okay…

[sniffs] Have you been
sleeping in the suit?

[laughs] Lawbert doesn't sleep, silly.

He runs on cotton candy and human fear.

Let's go!

[growling]

My name is Lawbert.

But I have another name.

Justice!

-[bell rings]
-Cut! More frolickin'! You're Lawbert!

No!

[roaring]

[Irene] They called me
God's perfect law baby.

[bellowing]

-[crack]
-I wonder whose god they meant.

-[Sheila] Cut!
-[bell rings]

Let's do it again
with more unsimulated injuries.

[bear roars sadly]

-[bell rings]
-[Sheila] Cut!

-[bell rings]
-[Sheila] Cut!

Cut!

[dramatic music playing]

[Irene] Sh! The law is listening.

Cut! I gotta go to the bathroom.
That was close enough.

You two burn yourselves with
these cigarettes to stay in the zone.

[Irene] Close enough?
What's that supposed to mean?

Ugh. Irene, we all agree
Lawbert is a star,

but behind every star, there's a great
director makin' their life miserable.

You're my Leo,
and I'm your Michael Pressman,

director of Ninja Turtles II:
The Secret of the Ooze.

Now I need you fully committed
and despondent

for the big roof-jump stunt.

-No.
-No?

You've been riding Lawbert all day.

Lawbert is tired! And needs a cotton candy
machine for his dressing room!

We just got you the Carnival Pro Plus,
with the stainless-steel basin.

Lawbert's asked for commercial grade.

Commercial grade
doesn't come in candy-apple red,

you bean-shaped dickhead.

Now go jump off that roof
before I throw you off it.

Guys, can we just get
this overpriced mess in the can?

I am so mad, I can't even make
a overpriced mess in the can joke.

-Do the shot, Irene.
-Never!

This is beneath Lawbert!
Lawbert quits, you pig!

-[thump]
-God damn it, Irene.

-[heartbeat racing]
-No, not Irene.

[sing-song] Lawbert!

What are you doing out there, man?

[sighs] Lincoln,
you need to leave jury selection to me.

Why do you think you're on a hot streak?
I'm the one pickin' your juries.

Nuh-uh! If we're dividing up the credit,
it's half Sheila,

and then the rest is some combo
of my hard work and talent,

and, of course, the Lord Jesus Christ.

-[choir singing]
-The Lamb. Praise his name.

But a jury isn't just some random blob
of people,

like the one I found in the ice cave.

It's a chain reaction until everyone lands
right where you want 'em.

Under a pile of roaches?

The roach thing weeded out a coward
and a know-it-all.

And the bloody mouth?

Vulnerability to emotional manipulation,
one of Steve's specialties.

-If you don't believe me, gimme a dollar.
-[sighs] Glem, we talked about this.

If you're gonna panhandle,
adjust for inflation.

Manipulating people is how I survive.
Now watch.

I'm gonna make that guy fight that guy
without talkin' to either one of 'em.

["Give Me a Reason to Stay" playing]

You might wanna move over here.

♪ You know the reason… ♪

My Dolores and I used to dance
to this record in our stockin' feet

before she got bit
by that radioactive rodent

and got rat powers
and got k*lled by that Superman.

-Life's too short.
-♪ You've got another… ♪

-It is. It really is.
-♪ Waiting for you ♪

[gasps] I love you, Colby.

Make me Mrs. bin Laden,
and then let's both change our names.

What the hell, Sandra?

I told you I was gonna propose
just as soon as I got rich

from gettin' hit by lightnin'
and suin' the damn weatherman!

I think you've had enough, pal.

You're damned right I've had enough!

[both grunting]

Holy sh*t, what are you,
some kind of boy witch?

Warlock, and no.

That song was top of the country charts
when the geezer was 22.

He's a degenerate gambler,
but he hasn't pawned his wedding ring,

so he's a romantic.

Waitress and bartender have been makin'
Jim-and-Pam eyes all night,

and that sh*t-kicker downed six beers
since his team started losin' an hour ago,

which puts his blood alcohol at 0.11.

It's like bowling.

The ball knocks over the first pin,
then the rest knock down each other.

Incredible. Except the bowling metaphor.

The pins don't knock each other over.
The ball does.

It's not like the ball
just hits the first pin

and then stops rolling.

What? It's exactly how bowling works.

You tip over the first pin you hit,
and then they fan outward.

-Right, but the ball keeps going through.
-[keys jangle]

Otherwise, it wouldn't come back
in the rolly thing.

Sure, but the ball keeps rolling
because the pins knock each other down

and clear the way.

The ball doesn't zoom around
hitting every pin.

[Lincoln] No, I'm saying
the momentum of the ball

means it's knocking down
as many or more pin…

-[heavy metal music playing inside]
-[Irene] Begone, man boy.

Uh, Lawbert?

I'm supposed to tell you

that we got those discontinued
Dr Pepper flavors you demanded.

[Sheila] Hi, I'm Lawbert.

I love the Royal Family

and going to the Swarovski crystal store
at the airport.

I love Marvel movies
and vote blue no matter who.

Blasphemer!
You make a mockery of my works!

Look, Irene, I don't know
if this is some ironic bit you're doing

or if you've actually gone insane.

I never know, and I don't care.

You and I have created something
truly beautiful here,

and I'm not gonna let you destroy it.

Either you do that stunt tomorrow,
or this Lawbert will.

-Lawbert will k*ll you!
-[Sheila grunts]

[cheerful electronic music playing]

[both grunting]

[Lincoln] I can't believe
we won the Midnight Bowling Championship.

Ten Pin Dan and Turkey Tina thought
they were so cool, but we crushed 'em.

[laughs] And I can't believe
Back Alley Annie fell in love with you.

And it turns out we were both
kind of right about the bowling analogy.

Yeah. Sure, the answer was so obvious.

Why were we even arguing
in the first place?

[in unison] Jury selection!

[moaning]

One more push, my angel.

[screams]

[baby crying]

It's a girl! Girl number six!

[all] Hooray!

[phone ringing]

Hello, you've reached the Kevin household.

Nameless PA? Everything all right?

Of course.

Go, my love. [panting]

You're Lincoln's guy.

I got here as fast as I could.

-What's the very expensive disaster?
-[Irene] Flimity-flam!

[both grunting]

[Kevin] Stop! Stop!
We're gonna get in trouble.

Thanks for lettin' me help, Sheila.
We make a great team.

[Sheila] I will definitely remember
we shared this moment.

Oh, were we ever so young?
Look at how much fun we were having.

We got so caught up
in makin' incredible art,

we forgot why we make art to begin with.

To replace a stripper in a local TV spot?

To connect with each other.

I'm sorry, Irene. Lawbert is your vision.

I was tryin' to use my own greatness
to make it even greater.

I'm sorry, too. Let's forget this whole ad
and go get waffles.

Sounds good. Everyone is fired. Goodbye!

-[roars] No!
-[all gasp]

Kevin, where did you get a g*n?

At this job, I opened a drawer.
I was looking for tape.

You think you're bailing
on this commercial

after everything you put me through?

I almost missed the birth of my daughter.

I took a second mortgage
on the house my mother died in.

My pubes have gone completely white.

Whoa, cool! Cool? Yeah, cool.

We're getting the last shot of this ad,
even if I have to direct it myself.

I am Lincoln's guy!
Now get on the roof. You!

Okay, Lawbert is feeling isolated here,
so I'm thinking low and wide.

-[whimpers]
-Let's try the 85.

We could get an anamorphic master and…

-Quick! Put him in the suit!
-Are you sure? There's only one Lawbert.

There's a little Lawbert in all of us,
especially his stuntman, Kevin.

No! No!

[muffled] No, no, no!

Sorry, Your Honor,
but this shouldn't take long

now that I've learned
a very important lesson.

Oh, here we go.

Exactly. Here we go.

I only have one more question
for you, sir.

What the hell is your problem with me?

Uh, Lincoln, this is the exact opposite
of the plan we talked about.

Cram it, Glem!
I've had enough of your weird voodoo.

I wanna know
why I shouldn't veto this as*h*le

and keep the heroic lady astronaut

who's been here the whole time
but hasn't said anything.

-Ah, yeah. Let's rawdog some data.
-Do it.

Veto me so I can get back
to playing golf in Las Vegas.

Do you have any idea
how unforgivable that is?

This planet is dying,
but I only care about making deals.

Well, here's the deal.
Your Honor, I hereby dismi...

He doesn't mean it, Your Honor.
I need another dia-recess.

I ate something at Subway
other than a cookie.

Let go of me, Glemily.

You know,
I can't believe I let you gaslight me

about that whole bowling pin thing.

The ball keeps going!

Because the pins get out of the way!

[both grunting]

[computer] Stupidity error.
Motives irrational.

Why friends fight, Father?

Argh! Ugh.

Enough of this bullshit.

By which I mean this sh*t I bought
after seeing the show Bull.

I want the guy who hates Lincoln,
and dismiss the space lady.

[both laugh]

You fell for our trap, you fool.

We wanted the juror who hated me
all along!

But he hates you.

And the rest of the jury will hate him.

Oh, he's right. We do.

They're gonna g*ng up
and One Angry Men his a*s.

Pins knock over other pins.

Steee-rike!

Then why did you do any of this?
I was obviously going to pick him.

Yeah, you would, but that computer
of yours was the X factor.

And I know I can't outsmart a computer.

My ATM card is still inside
a Coca-Cola Freestyle machine.

Steee-rike!

You already said that, moron.

Whatever. This week was a waste
of Steve Nichols. Audi 5000.

-[gavel bangs]
-[woman] We, the jury,

declare the winner of this trial to be…

[whirring]

…Steve Nichols.

-God damn it.
-Mmm…

If I'm reading you correctly,
you're not that mad,

and you still think
I'm really smart and good.

Hi, I'm a magician.

[laughs] And I'm Lawbert!

♪ Lawbert, Lawbert, do the Lawbert ♪

Lawbert!

Lincoln Gumb. My best friend.

Lincoln Gumb. I'm Barry Chandelier.

[slowed] Lincoln Gumb.

Lincoln Gumb loves Barry Chandelier.

[wailing]

[wailing slows]

Call 1-800-LAWBERT.COM!

And tell them Lawbert sent you.

Flimity-flam.

-Shhh-eila.
-[jingle plays]

What the hell was that? Who is Lawbert?

How is Barry Chandelier in it more now?

-How did that cost half a million dollars?
-[phone rings]

-Hello?
-Hi, my name is Kelsey Papitas.

I'm a very important person

who constantly requires
the services of lawyers.

Is this the Lawbert firm? I just have
to work with God's perfect law baby.

[chuckles] Flimity-flam!

-I… One sec, I'm getting another call.
-[bleeping]

I need a lawyer to divorce my wife
for not lovin' Lawbert enough.

Wow! I… Let me call you back.

Sheila, Irene, you did it.
I'm sorry I doubted you.

-We did it!
-We really did!

I was talking to Razzle and Dazzle,
but we also did great.

All of you. Except you, Kevin.
I'm very disappointed.

You are not my guy.

No!

[woman on TV] And a clarification
on an earlier story.

It turns out the locally hated nudity man,
Barry Chandelier,

wanted to raise the age of consent laws,
not lower them.

So anyone who took any action
based on that story at all

did so for no reason.

[Kevin, groaning] No.

[dramatic music playing]

[phone ringing]

[music stops]

Cardinal Ballotini, ciao.

[man] The Dark One has shown himself
in the American West.

[dramatic music resumes]

Mamma mia.

[whispering voices]

[Irene] Flimity-flam. Do the Lawbert!

[theme music playing]

Chirp.